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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666820">Love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lerena/pseuds/Lerena'>Lerena</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Listen to me [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ableism, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Autism, Eddie Kaspbrak is autistic, F/F, F/M, Gen, Good Parents Maggie &amp; Wentworth Tozier, Homophobia, M/M, Recovery, Richie Tozier Has ADHD, Richie Tozier's Internalized Homophobia, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:20:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>177,192</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24666820</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lerena/pseuds/Lerena</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Most stories end with an "and they lived happily ever after", as if being in love with someone was the simplest thing to experience. Richie and Eddie definitely know better. </p><p>Lack of experience, internalized and externalized homophobia, sensory issues, dealing with trauma, working on communication... so many obstacles to overcome. Still, after everything they've been through, it should be the easy part, right? Right?</p><p>But love is more than just romantic love. Love is the bond between friends, no matter how far they are. Love is what clueless parents deeply feel for their son. Love is a whole new adventure. </p><p>And they're both ready for it.</p><p>Written by an autistic author</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Mike Hanlon &amp; Eddie Kaspbrak, Mike Hanlon &amp; Richie Tozier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Listen to me [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1701829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>432</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! That's it, we're beginning the third new installment of this series! I really hope you'll like it, I'm so happy I'm able to share this adventure with you all! Thank you all for your support and for being there after all this time. I really hope you'll like this new story.</p><p>Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for casual homophobia<br/>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for homophobic slurs<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for self-harm</p><p>I think that's all. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Eddie woke up after his first party, he vaguely remembered that they had to go back home because of something urgent. When he joined Richie, Maggie, and Wentworth downstairs, they hesitated for a second before showing him what happened. Eddie couldn’t believe it. Bowers actually broke in their home, only to leave a hateful message and… and to tear one of Richie’s signature shirts in pieces? It was… It was so fucked up.</p><p>Between the two of them, Richie was the one who was shaken up the most, shivering with fear, his gaze filled with a primal terror. He couldn’t stop reading the letter that Bowers wrote, again and again, the words flooding his mind and erasing every rational thought he was able to form in his brain. At some point, he had grabbed Eddie and hugged him closely, curling up against him, hiding his face in his chest. Eddie hugged him back, caressing his hair with one hand, the other repeating the soothing gesture that his therapist taught him to avoid hitting himself.</p><p>Eddie wasn’t scared. Maybe he was, a little. But most of all, he was<em> furious. </em> Furious that Bowers had violated their intimacy, their safe place, to spit his hatred and bring back the traumatic memories that they were both still recovering from. Disgusted that the cops classified it as a “stupid prank from the neighborhood kids”, nothing worth investigating. Disgusted, but not surprised. </p><p>After all, from what Maggie told them, it was Bowers’ father himself who took their deposition. He probably already knew what happened and did what he could to cover his son’s actions. Just like he used to when they were all teenagers, years ago… No matter what, Henry Bowers would never get punished or locked up for his offenses, for his crimes. And it was unfair.</p><p>More than anything else, Eddie was worried. Bowers wanted to remind them that he was still a threat, no matter the efforts they put in to avoid him, and he clearly succeeded. Richie was terrified, and Eddie didn’t know how to pull him out of this state. He kept hugging Richie, trying to keep his thoughts clear, to chase away the rage that wanted to invade him and get the better of him. He had to be strong. He had to be.</p><p>Maggie and Went seemed just as lost as he was, trying to be there for Richie and reassure him when they were both scared and shaken up by what happened. What if they were still home when Bowers was there? What would he have done to them? </p><p>Eddie couldn’t stand seeing Richie reading this letter anymore. He took the paper from his boyfriend’s hands, causing him to whimper as a protest, tearing it up in pieces before throwing it to the garbage. Coming back to Richie, he typed quickly, focusing on his breathing to keep himself calm:</p><p>“<em>It’s bullshit, Richie. We shouldn’t dwell on it.” </em></p><p>“Eddie’s right, son.” Went put his hand on Richie’s shoulder, adding with a reassuring smile: “It’s bullshit. Don’t worry, your mom and I aren’t going to believe any of this. We know you.”</p><p>That wasn’t what Richie needed to hear, and Eddie knew that. He felt his throat closing up when Richie hugged him even more, a broken sob coming out of his lips. Eddie shushed him softly, trying to comfort him as much as possible. But he knew very well that he wouldn’t be able to do that, not without having an open conversation.</p><p>He sighed, caressing Richie’s hair. First, they needed to get out. To leave this suffocating atmosphere, this place in which his boyfriend couldn’t feel safe anymore. To get away from his parents a little while, who clumsily tried to comfort him, but put Richie even deeper into the closet that he had locked himself in.</p><p>Eddie didn’t really know why or how he was able to detach himself from the situation at hand. Bowers’s letter was also addressed to him. He could still remember his hands over his skin, tackling him against the ground, hitting him, hurting him, making him feel weak and small.</p><p>As much as Bowers’ words were a punch to the gut for Richie, it wasn’t the case for Eddie. He wasn’t carrying this fear of people acknowledging that he loved his boyfriend, this terror that pushed Richie to close their curtains when they were in their bedroom kissing each other, who drove him to let go of his hand as a reflex when his mother knocked at the door, the day before.</p><p>Eddie was still struggling with his self-esteem, but if there was something that he was confident about, it was how much he loved Richie and how proud he was of the fact that Richie loved him back. Eddie didn’t care about being called a faggot. But he cared a lot about Richie’s reaction, and Richie was wrecked over it. And Eddie needed to be a rock for him, someone he could rely on.</p><p>That’s why he pushed back his anger and decided calmly to call Mike, leaving Richie for a minute and going to the bathroom for some privacy. He reassured him first, informing him that none of them had been hurt, but that Bowers intruded their house and left a threatening message, in the form of a letter and a tore-up shirt.</p><p>“<em>Can you meet us at the library? Just you, Richie and I. We need a quiet place.” </em></p><p>Mike didn’t insist on bringing the others with him. Eddie didn’t know how much he understood from their situation, but Mike did tell him that he would find an excuse for the others and meet them in ten minutes or so. </p><p>Okay, so that was settled. Now, they had to go there. And Richie had to drive them to the library, Eddie still being unable to do so in his stead.</p><p>But Richie was devastated, and he grabbed Eddie as soon as he came back to him, making himself way smaller than he was, flinching whenever his parents tried to comfort him or to get his attention. Eddie had to send a quick text to Mike for him to pick them up, and soon, they were out of the house, Mike driving them to the library.</p><p>The short trip was filled with a heavy silence, only broken by Richie’s sniffles and Eddie’s nervous hum. His whirling emotions were starting to get to him, and he was struggling to keep it under control, to stay the steady rock Richie needed him to be. </p><p>He was awfully relieved when they arrived at the library, Mike helping Richie up, guiding him to what was now their safe place. Eddie took a deep breath, grazing the books on the shelves with his fingers, keeping himself grounded, thanks to the soothing feeling.</p><p>Mike led them to a restroom, preparing them a hot chocolate. Richie let himself fall onto the nearest chair, and Eddie sat on his knees, hugging him tightly, caressing his hair, cupping his cheeks so that he would only see him and how much he loved him. That, no matter what, Eddie would still be there for him. Richie’s sniffles quieted down slowly, until he wasn’t sobbing anymore.</p><p>He was eerily silent, which was definitely worrying coming from Richie. Eddie wanted to hear him talk, laugh, use one of his terrible Voices, anything that let him know that his Richie was there and was okay. He wasn’t used to being in this position, trying to be strong for Richie, to pull him away from his bad thoughts and anxiety-riddled brain. But thank god, he wasn’t alone in this. Mike was there too. Mike, who knew about Richie’s secret and was about to discover that Eddie shared the same one…</p><p>Eddie described what happened to Mike in more detail than what he had been able to do on the phone, worrying that Richie’s parents might hear him. Bowers’ clear threat, the fact that, once again, they couldn’t rely on the police to do its job, and Went’s words. Mike grimaced hearing that and Eddie clutched Richie’s hand in his, using the other to type quickly:</p><p>“<em>We needed to get away for a while. We needed you, Mike. I know you understand. You’re the only one who knows.” </em></p><p>“Of course, Eddie. I’m sorry it happened.”</p><p>He offered a soft smile to him, then to Richie, who barely reacted:</p><p>“I know it’s not the best moment to say that, but I’m glad for you both. You… uh… You deserve to be happy.”</p><p>“Bowers’s coming for us. I wouldn’t call us “happy”, Mike.”</p><p>Richie’s tone was somber, defeated. He sipped on his chocolate, a weird grin on his face:</p><p>“What can we do? He’s going to kill us because we’re a bunch of fags. He’s gonna hurt me, then Eddie, and it’ll be my fault.”</p><p>Richie chuckled, and this inappropriate emotional answer caused Eddie to worry even more. He clutched to Richie, his heart beating faster, his breathing getting ragged.</p><p>“But don’t worry, it’s not like anyone’s going to believe we’re faggots, right? It’s bullshit. It’s ridiculous. Bowers’s just going to kill us because Eddie and I are good pals. No biggie.”</p><p>“Richie...”</p><p>“What? The message is pretty clear. And it’s not like I can defend Eddie, he fucking beat him up right in front of me to prove that.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head, starting to write something on his lightwriter, but Richie didn’t let him finish, too worked up to have the patience for that:</p><p>“But it’s okay because I’m not a fucking fag, right? It’s fine because I’m just a nice, straight guy who happened to have a very good male friend, and not a dirty queer. Because we’d deserve it if it was the case, uh? It’s all dandy and fine until <em>they </em>know, until <em>they </em>discover the truth.”</p><p>His father’s words. Beyond the anxiety that Bowers’ threat caused, beyond the terror over Eddie being hurt, this what stung the most. For Richie, Wentworth just confirmed every single one of his fears, his complexes, and his worst nightmares. He was there for him as long as he thought that his son was not “a faggot”. He was there for him because he didn’t believe Bowers’ words.</p><p>And Eddie didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. He could only hug Richie, Richie who wasn’t hugging him back. Who wasn’t brushing his hair, as he always did whenever they were close like this. Even though Eddie was touching him, even though he could hear his heart beating, Richie had never seemed so far away from him as he was right now. And Eddie was scared. So scared.</p><p>He didn’t realize immediately that he had started to hum loudly, his fingernails scratching the palm of his hands. Eddie had to do something. Eddie had to be strong for Richie. He had to.</p><p>Eddie jumped a little when he felt Mike’s fingers on his shoulder. He turned back to him, and Mike was holding his arms open for him, ready to offer him what he desperately needed at the moment. Something to ground him. To soothe him. But Eddie had to be there for Richie. He had to.</p><p>He tried to say something, to use his lightwriter, but as soon as his fingers grazed the keyboard, his thoughts stopped making sense. Nothing he could turn into words. He had too much to say at the same time, and it was all garbled, mixed-up. He wanted to tell Richie that he loved him, that he didn’t care if the whole universe was against them, that, maybe, Went had just been clumsy in his words, that he was there for his boyfriend and that he would always be there… But everything wanted to come out at the same time, and it was so, so overwhelming.</p><p>His humming became louder, and Eddie started to hit his temples with the palm of his hands, as if it would allow him to put some order in his cluttered mind. That was when Richie finally reacted, stopping him from doing so. But he didn’t have the strength to support his boyfriend, as he needed to. He could… He could…</p><p>“I’m here, Richie. I’m here.”</p><p>Mike said so with a soft voice, inviting his friend to trust him and opening his arms again for Eddie. And Richie let him go, and Eddie threw himself at Mike, who prevented him from hurting himself again, rocking him gently, doing everything he could to soothe him and help him calm down. </p><p>While doing so, he looked at Richie, who was trying to avoid his gaze, hugging himself, curled up in his chair. His expression was full of kindness and understanding, everything they both needed at this instant. As much as Eddie was trying to be strong for Richie, in the end, he was scared too, even though it wasn’t quite for the same reasons. He needed help. They needed help. And Mike was there, as he always was.</p><p>“You’re not alone in this. If you think for an instant that I’m just going to stand by and let Bowers hurt you, then you’re wrong, Richie. And I’m pretty sure every Loser will agree with me. We’re all in this together. No matter what.”</p><p>Richie bit his bottom lip, raising his head for a second. When he saw Eddie’s stressed out behavior, the way he started to suck nervously on his fingers, he felt guilty and dropped his head once again, hugging himself even more.</p><p>“I don’t want you to get hurt. It’s… It’s my fault. He… Bowers always knew about me, and I… and now, Eddie...”</p><p>“It’s not your fault, Richie.” Mike’s voice was firm, not allowing any kind of retort. “Bowers hates us. He always had.”</p><p>“Then why did he broke into our house? Why us? Why <em>me? </em>”</p><p>Richie hid his face in his hands for a short moment, a whine coming out of his throat. He raised up his glasses, rubbing his eyes, admitting with a low voice:</p><p>“I’m tired. I’m just so fucking tired. I… We’re finally happy, Eddie and I. Yesterday was so perfect and now, I… we…”</p><p>Richie sighed longingly, curling up so much on his chair that his muscles were aching:</p><p>“I don’t know. I… I’m scared. I’m… I’m really, really scared.”</p><p>Eddie was far from relaxed, but Mike’s soothing gestures helped him to get a grip. He got away from his friend’s embrace, getting closer to Richie. Kneeling down next to him, he looked at him with the most dedicated expression he could muster, signing intensely:</p><p>“<em> I </em> … <em>love… you </em>...”</p><p>Richie let out a choked sob at his declaration. Helping Eddie up, he sat him on his knees, kissing him softly, resting his forehead against his.</p><p>“I love you too, Eds. I’m sorry. I… I should be stronger. For you.”</p><p>Eddie sighed at his words. He grabbed his lightwriter, typing slowly on his keyboard. His thoughts were still confused, but he knew what he wanted to say, even if he couldn’t tell it to Richie as quickly as he usually could.</p><p>“<em>No. You can rely on me. I’m here for that too. I won’t let him hurt you. And if Went says something like that again, I’ll kick him in the nuts.” </em></p><p>Richie chuckled at Eddie’s words and hugged him tightly:</p><p>“Please, don’t kick my father in the groin. Even if he’s homophobic.”</p><p>“You should talk to him. And your mom too.”</p><p>Eddie and Richie looked at Mike, who was scratching his neck nervously:</p><p>“I mean… You don’t have to do that right now. But the love that you’re feeling for Eddie, it’s a big part of you. It matters. And it’s the same for you, Eddie. What you’re feeling for each other… You shouldn’t have to keep it as a secret.”</p><p>“Yeah, I was actually thinking about buying a shirt saying “I’m a faggot for my Eddie Spaghetti”, I’m sure it’s gonna go smoothly. Dad will love it.”</p><p>Richie whined painfully when Eddie pinched his cheek, his eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>“<em>Stop with those words. They’re mean. You don’t have the right to be mean against yourself, especially when I’m here.” </em></p><p>Eddie didn’t expect Richie to swat his hand away with such aggressiveness. He wasn’t ready either for the harsh tone he took while he retorted immediately:</p><p>“They might be mean, but they’re true. How do you think Mom and Dad are going to feel, if we tell them about what’s happening between us? You really think that they’re just going to let us sleep together and give us their blessing? Or maybe Mom “I bet you have a girlfriend” and Dad “Don’t worry, I know that you’re not a faggot” are gonna act like the <em>good </em>parents that they are and put me in fucking conversion therapy? Hey, you could have a ride as well, I’m sure they’ll love to tell your therapist how much I fucking tainted you!”</p><p>Richie’ s motormouth took over his reason, and he barely had the time to register what he said before every word was enunciated. Eddie detached himself from him, his lips quivering, his eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know. He didn’t know how Maggie and Wentworth would react, but he wanted to believe that they would be supportive, because they had been so good to him, because he loved them so much.</p><p>Eddie… Eddie didn’t even know what conversion therapy was. He just knew that it sounded bad and that Richie thought that he was dirtying him. Eddie knew that he was stupid. Stupid and naive. That’s what Richie thought of him. And he was right. He was right.</p><p>“E… Eds...”</p><p>Eddie whimpered as an answer, letting himself fall on the ground and crawling under the table, curling up there. He put his hands on his ears and started to hum loudly, rocking back and forth. His hum turned into a scream whenever Richie or Mike were trying to reach him, his fingernails digging into his skin when they got closer.</p><p>Richie and Mike had no choice, but to let him be, keeping an eye on him. Richie felt awfully guilty, pulling nervously on his hair:</p><p>“I… I didn’t mean to. I… It’s not his fault, I...”</p><p>Mike’s arms suddenly engulfed Richie, and he let himself melt into the touch, furiously needing the heat and support that his friend could provide at this moment.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Richie. I’m sorry that you have to go through that. I… I wish I could do more. I don’t know how to help. I don’t know what to do.”</p><p>Mike’s voice broke during his last sentence and Richie hugged him back, shaking his head:</p><p>“You’re perfect just the way you are, Mikey Mike. Trust me. You’ve been there for us all of those years, I’ll never be able to thank you properly for that. You… It’s okay. It’s enough. You being there. It’s more than enough.”</p><p>Richie detached himself from Mike, even though he wanted nothing but to stay in his firm grip for the rest of his life, safe and protected. Someone else needed him.</p><p>“I… I have to apologize to Eddie.”</p><p>“You probably should, yeah. But don’t be too harsh on yourself, Richie. What you’re dealing with… it’s heavy. You need help.”</p><p>Richie laughed sadly at Mike’s words:</p><p>“Yeah, thank god I already have a therapist, right?”</p><p>Mike shrugged with a clumsy smile, probably unsure of what he was supposed to say. Richie took a deep breath and got down on his knees, looking at Eddie. He stopped pressing his hands over his ears, sucking once again on his fingers, rocking back and forth. His gaze was slightly hazy, but still vivid enough for Richie to see how much he had been hurt. And how little he wished for him to get closer.</p><p>“I’m not going to touch you, and I’m not going to force you out. I… I just want to sit next to you and to talk. Is it… is it okay with you?”</p><p>The minute that followed was the longest Richie ever experienced. At the end of it, he was relieved when Eddie nodded, allowing him to curl up under the table as well. Richie wasn’t too fond of tight spaces as Eddie was, but if Eddie felt safe under there, then he would stay with him as long as necessary.</p><p>Fiddling with his glasses, Richie stayed quiet for a moment, not knowing how to organize his thoughts. He finally whispered with a shameful voice, unable to look at Eddie while doing so:</p><p>“I’m sorry, Eds. I shouldn’t have said those awful things to you. You don’t deserve to be treated like this.”</p><p>Richie sighed, letting his glasses rest on his nose, his fingers playing harshly with his hair, tugging on it:</p><p>“I spent so much time hating myself that I just don’t know how to let you love me. You… You’re not ashamed of your feelings, and you’re right because you don’t have to be. It’s just me, I… I think that there are some parts of me that I’m not ready to accept yet. And… And Bowers’ threat and my father’s words, it was just too much, you know?”</p><p>Richie felt Eddie’s hand on his, and he squeezed it, his throat closing up. How could he be loved by someone as wonderful as Eddie? How could his partner be so kind and forgiving, after Richie treated him like this? Eddie deserved better than him, Richie was sure of that. But Richie couldn’t resist being selfish and wanting to keep Eddie for him, to be his partner, the lucky receiver of his beautiful love…</p><p>“I’m really scared. I… I don’t want you to be hurt. But the truth is that I’m mostly scared that others will know about us and that they… they're going to hate me for that. Because you’re a wonderful person and you have so many qualities, but I’m just Richie, and if they know that I’m a fag, I… They...”</p><p>And that’s what it was all about. Richie didn’t want to lose his friends, his family, and he honestly thought that the fact that he was gay would be the last straw. That they only tolerated him for now, because truly, he didn’t deserve better than that. If they knew about his sexual orientation, they… they…</p><p>Eddie hugged him. Tightly. Strongly. His lips grazed his own, the soft heat causing Richie to melt on the spot, shivering from the chaste and tender embrace that was granted to him. Once he stopped kissing him, Eddie pulled Richie from under the table and grabbed his lightwriter, typing as quickly as he could, while Mike was rubbing his eyes, trying to dry his tears:</p><p>“<em>You’re not just Richie. You’re Richie, and I love you for that. You’re funny, you’re strong, you’re intelligent, you’re kind, you have so many qualities that I can’t understand how in god’s name you can think so lowly of yourself.” </em></p><p>Eddie threw his hands in the air while the device was articulating those last words, trying to make up for the fact that the robotic voice was so emotionless. Richie laughed at the sight, ruffling Eddie’s hair.</p><p>“Eddie’s right, Richie. You’re not “just” Richie, you’re our friend, and we all love you dearly. You being gay, it’s just another piece of you. And I love every part of you, man, you know that.”</p><p>Richie had a nervous laugh. Not quite knowing how to react, he resorted to his usual jokes, cooing exaggeratedly:</p><p>“Aaaw, you love me, Mike? I’m sorry, but I’m afraid our bed won’t support the weight of another person. We’ll have to buy another one.”</p><p>Mike smiled, shaking his head:</p><p>“Yeah, no, thank you. I’m not sure Eddie would appreciate the idea, anyway.”</p><p>As an answer, Eddie pouted, hugging Richie tightly and possessively. Richie hugged him back, patting Eddie’s head:</p><p>“Our tiny angry gremlin is not too keen on sharing. A shame for all of the hunks dreaming of getting a piece of my wonderful ass and a taste of my huge dick...”</p><p>Mike let out a “Beep Beep Richie”, sighing deeply, while Eddie groaned and flicked him on the forehead, clearly flustered. He hid his red face in Richie’s neck, while Richie was rubbing his back softly, enjoying the feeling and trying to keep away the guilt that wanted to eat him entirely, preventing him from being happy with Eddie. Guilt for what he said to his partner. Guilt for being not enough. Guilt for being who he was.</p><p>“We’re all going to stay at Beverly’s place for the rest of the holidays. Stan and Patty have been basically deemed undesirable at Mr. Uris’s house, Ben’s staying with Bev and Bill isn’t too keen on spending too much time with his parents. And I… I just want to enjoy everyone being there as much and as long as possible.”</p><p>Mike scratched his neck nervously, an embarrassed smile on his lips.</p><p>“Maybe you should come too? Beverly’s house is big, and it has a good security system. You don’t have to tell exactly why you want to stay there, if you don’t feel like it. I’m sure they’re all going to be happy to have you both there. The Losers club reunited, just like before in our clubhouse.”</p><p>Richie looked at Eddie for a moment, his hand caressing his hair softly:</p><p>“What do you think, Eds?”</p><p>Eddie shrugged, answering quickly:</p><p>“<em>I want you to be okay, Richie. If you want to spend some time away, I’d be happy to.” </em></p><p>He kissed Richie, adding with a cheeky smile on his lips:</p><p>“<em>Besides, we still need to top off our wonderful sleepover. This time, I’ll choose the movie, because I don’t want you crying like a baby because you’re scared of a stupid clown.” </em></p><p>Richie let out an offended gasp, while Mike was laughing:</p><p>“I didn’t cry, and I wasn’t scared! I’m very brave, mind you! You were the one being scared, we stopped the movie because of that!”</p><p>As a single answer, Eddie raised his eyebrow, as if to say, “Yes, of course, Richie, that’s toootally how it happened.”. Once they stopped joking and teasing each other, it was decided. Richie and Eddie would spend some time away from home, with the Losers, giving themselves the time to unwind and to think about the situation more clearly.</p><p>Right now, Richie only wanted to get away from Derry as soon and as far as possible, but he knew that it would mess up Eddie. He needed time to adjust, to plan what was going to happen, to accept this significant change that they would have to deal with. They couldn’t just do that on a whim. If Bowers didn’t hurt Eddie, this would do the job and threaten the fragile balance they manage to achieve, after all these months. Richie couldn’t risk it.</p><p>So, for now, they were going to enjoy a few sleepovers. Try to forget about the rest of the world for a while. And Richie… Richie would be brave again. For Eddie. For the man that he loved so much.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's the end of the first chapter. I hope you liked it. I really wanted to portray Richie's struggle with his internalized homophobia, especially now that he's in a relationship with Eddie. I abhor the idea, that you can often find in fiction, that as soon as you're getting with someone, everything is just fine and every problem is solved. As much as Richie loves Eddie and is being loved by Eddie, he still has many issues he needs help with, and it's the same for Eddie. And that's okay.</p><p>I also wanted to portray how hurtful casual homophobia can be. Wentworth didn't mean anything bad, he was just trying to reassure his son and, misguided as he is, he didn't know any better. It doesn't make what he said right, far from it. Richie is very much entitled to feel hurt by his father's clueless words and that's something I wanted to explore for a while. I already hinted at it in the first installment, with Maggie teasing her son about his potential girlfriends and wondering if he had girl issues (if I remember correctly).</p><p>Mike being the best, as always. What would they do without him?</p><p>Anyway, thank you all for your support. Don't forget to subscribe if you want to be warned as soon as possible when a chapter is released!</p><p>Don't hesitate to comments and/or leave kudos, I'd love to know what you thought about this chapter, the first chapter of this new installment!</p><p>Take care, be careful and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Thank you all for your support and for still being here for this new story! Here's the second chapter, I hope you'll like it. It's so easier to write on the weekend, I can rest plenty after. But only writing one chapter per week? Ugh, I don't want to! I hope I'll be able to stick to my current updating schedule for a while.</p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of homophobic violence<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for emetophobia</p><p>I think that's all. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Richie was fiddling with the straps of his bag, his head resting against Eddie’s shoulder, while Mike was driving them to Beverly’s house. They had stopped briefly to their home so that they could grab some clothes and stuff for the next days to come. The shards of glass had been cleaned up, and Maggie told them that they called someone to replace the window. </p><p>They didn’t talk much, to be honest. Richie could barely get himself to look at his parents, feeling their judgment, knowing now that they would probably hate him or try to cure him if he ever decided to talk about his sexuality. He’ll just have to keep it as a secret, just like before. But it was harder to do, now that he was with Eddie.</p><p>Richie felt Eddie’s fingers caressing his hair softly, and he sighed, leaning a bit more into the touch. He loved him. He loved him so much. And god, Richie would like to scream it to everyone who might hear him, how much he loved Eddie and how lucky he was that Eddie loved him back. He was proud of that. But he couldn’t shake off the shame that came with this feeling. The shame of loving in a way that wasn’t accepted. The shame of being too different for people to tolerate him.</p><p>Richie didn’t ask for more. Just to be tolerated. But he knew that wouldn’t be the case if he were proudly out, no matter how much Mike and Eddie tried to reassure him. It would be… too much. So, he just hid that part of himself. It’s not like he could do otherwise. Richie couldn’t last long on his own. He needed other people’s attention, his friends’ presence, his family’s support. And he needed Eddie.</p><p>Eddie was so brave, it was almost unbelievable. While Richie was turned into a blubbering mess by Bowers’ letter and threat, Eddie was standing strong, keeping him safe. Protected. Richie needed that. He really needed that. And, instead of thanking him properly for everything he did for him, instead of being the loving partner that Eddie deserved, Richie… Richie lashed out at him. And he made him cry.</p><p>Richie couldn’t stop seeing it, the way Eddie’s eyes started to shine with tears, the pain in his expression, how he couldn’t comprehend why Richie answered him like that, with such violence in his tone, in his words. He hurt Eddie, and Richie hated that. He promised himself he would be there for him, that he would be the support his partner needed, and instead, he… he…</p><p>Eddie’s lips brushed the top of his head, his hand holding his gently and tenderly. Richie didn’t deserve any of that. And yet, Eddie was giving him it all. The love, the affection, the touch that Richie was craving so much… He felt guilty accepting it, knowing that he shouldn’t get any of that. He hurt Eddie, and he was going to hurt him again, in the future. Richie knew that. He knew that, but… but Eddie made him feel so good. Good in a way that he had never been. He needed that. Richie really needed that.</p><p>Richie jumped slightly when he heard Eddie let out a pained groan. He straightened up, looking at him with worried eyes:</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, massaging his head. He finally answered, grimacing slightly:</p><p>“<em>My head hurts. I feel nauseous. Didn’t realize it before.” </em></p><p>Oh… Of course, that’s how Eddie felt. Yesterday was his first party ever, and Eddie had drunk way too much for someone who wasn’t used to alcohol. Now that they weren’t tensed anymore, Eddie could probably finally feel what his body was experiencing, and it was definitely not good. Richie caressed his cheek gently, a playful smile on his lips:</p><p>“Well, my Eddie Spaghetti, you’re experiencing your first hangover. Congratulations!”</p><p>“<em>I don’t like it. I feel bad and gross.” </em></p><p>Mike chuckled at Eddie’s words, informing him with a comforting voice:</p><p>“Beverly has some Advil, she was taking one when I left to get you. You could take some once we get there.”</p><p>“<em>I don’t need meds. Thanks.” </em></p><p>Richie raised an eyebrow at Eddie’s words. That’s not something he was used to, coming from Eds. He still remembered his little Eddie Spaghetti, with his fanny pack filled with medicine, dutifully taking his pills whenever he “had” to. Of course, things had changed since then, and Eddie had learned that he never needed any of that. But he did need some meds to make his hangover easier to handle…</p><p>“You’re sure, Eds? I’m probably going to take one as well. Most of the Losers will, I guess. Last night was wild.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head as an answer, whining painfully and clutching his temples. Fearing to upset him to the point of self-harm, Richie dropped the subject, for now, letting Eddie rest on his shoulder, caressing his hand lovingly. He couldn’t help but worry about his boyfriend, once again.</p><p>They never really had a moment where Eddie might have needed some medicine, until now. And Eddie’s answer was concerning. He seemed adamant not to take any meds, even though he clearly could benefit from doing so. That wasn’t something they talked about, before. And they probably should. What if Eddie refused to take any kind of medication? Richie didn’t like this idea. He didn’t like it at all.</p><p>But no time to worry more. They finally arrived back at Beverly’s house. Richie felt relieved, seeing the familiar walls, knowing that they would be safe here for the next few days. It was where his friends were, the Losers club. Together, nothing could stop them. That was probably a silly and childish thought to have, but that’s how Richie was thinking of them all. When the Lucky Seven were reunited, they all get stronger from it.</p><p>Knowing that he would stay with them, Richie wasn’t so afraid of Bowers anymore. But he was still scared about how his parents and his friends might react towards his sexuality. He couldn’t prevent it, it was just there, gnawing at him, invading his mind, reminding him again and again how easily he could lose every single one of the people he cared so much about, because of who he was.</p><p>“Richie?”</p><p>Hearing Mike’s voice, Richie jumped, startled, a bit confused. He must have zoned out for a moment, because Eddie was looking at him with concern, a soft whine coming out of his lips. Richie forced a smile, ruffling Eddie’s hair, apologizing when his partner grimaced painfully.</p><p>“Sorry, I won’t touch your head for now. But I’m fine. Just tired. I could use some Advil and a good breakfast. And some rest too."</p><p>They were all there in the kitchen when Richie, Mike, and Eddie entered Beverly’s house, sitting around the table in various states of tiredness. Patty was yawning, her hand caressing Stanley’s knee while he was looking at his beverage, too zoned out to drink it for now. Ben was preparing a toast for Beverly, who was resting her head on her arms and looking at him with tired, tender eyes. As for Bill, he was taking some Advil, throwing the box at Richie when he saw him. Richie barely caught it, thanking him for that.</p><p>“We’re back. We’re gonna squat here for a while, if you don’t mind.”</p><p>“Nah, it’s fi-iiii-ne.” Beverly yawned, rubbing her eyes and raised her head. “Come sit down. There are toasts, hot chocolate, orange juice, eggs, whatever you want. Ben had prepared it all, our savior.”</p><p>Ben laughed nervously, handing Beverly her toast, who answered with a kiss on his cheek. Eddie, Richie, and Mike sat down, taking part in this late breakfast. Richie took a pill, handing the box to Eddie, who immediately passed it to Mike, as if simply holding it was burning his skin. Okay, he definitely didn’t want to take them. Richie would have to talk to him about it. But not now.</p><p>“Are you two okay? You just left early in the morning, then Mike left too, and we have no idea what happened.”</p><p>Richie didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want them to know what was worrying him so much. But he didn’t have to tell them everything. Just tiny snippets of what happened. That’s why Mike and Eddie were staying quiet, allowing him to answer if he wanted to. They were giving him free rein to share what he felt like sharing. Richie truly loved his friends. And his boyfriend.</p><p>“I… uh… Bowers broke our bedroom window last night. Or at some point, we don’t really know when. He tore up one of my shirts, and he left us a note to wish us Happy New Year.”</p><p>Richie didn’t expect his friends to suddenly wake up from their stupor, all of them asking various questions at the same time, displaying so much worry and concern for them that Richie started to feel overwhelmed. He looked at Eddie, who was clearly not ready to handle this level of noise and agitation. He began to put his hands on his ears and hummed nervously, shaking his legs under the table.</p><p>“Guys, guys, let’s all calm down, okay?” Mike, as always, was the voice of reason. Everyone quieted down at his words, which seemed to relieve Eddie. “The police has been warned, even though it’s likely they won’t do much. Eddie and Richie are staying here for now, until they feel like they can come back home.”</p><p>“Of course, you’re welcome as long as necessary.” Beverly put her hand on Eddie’s shoulder, who jumped at the touch and whimpered. She took it away, an apologetic smile on her lips. “My aunt won’t be back for a while, and if needed, I’m sure she’ll be okay to let you stay there. She really loves you, Richie. And your stupid jokes.”</p><p>“Hey! My jokes are amazing, mind you!” Richie pouted exaggeratedly, sipping on his drink. “Right, Eddie?”</p><p>Eddie didn’t answer. He was massaging his temples, a pained expression on his face. Patty tried to hand him the Advil box, but Richie stopped her, knowing that it might make him even more upset.</p><p>“Come on, Eds, you need to hydrate yourself and eat a little. After that, I’ll take you back to the room we slept in, and you could rest for a bit, okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded slowly, munching on the toast that Bill was handing him, a frown on his face. Visibly, he didn’t want to eat at all. But he needed to have something in his stomach, especially if he started to throw up… Richie hoped it wouldn’t happen, Eddie would be disgusted by the smell, the taste in his mouth and the feeling in his throat, which wouldn’t help at all. He let his hand rest on Eddie’s knee and, when it was clear that Eddie was accepting it there, he rubbed it gently, hoping to provide some comfort.</p><p>With hushed voices, so that they wouldn’t overwhelm Eddie once again, the Losers started to talk, exchanging concerned looks:</p><p>“We c-can’t just let Bowers get away wi… wi… with that. We have to do somethi-thi-thing.”</p><p>“What are you suggesting, Bill? I’m partial to jumping on him whenever possible and bashing his head with a baseball bat.” Stanley suggested dryly, grimacing when Patty gently pulled on his hair. “What? It’s just a proposition.”</p><p>“That would make you a criminal, ahuvì, and I can’t let you do that.” She smiled, adjusting her glasses. “Although, I guess we could push him down some stairs… Accidentally, of course.”</p><p>Richie laughed at her words, not expecting this type of humor coming from her. But after all, Patty was dating Stan, so they must have this kind of thing in common.</p><p>“More seriously, I think it would be better if we could stick together for now. If you need to get out, Richie, Eddie, you should probably have one or more of us going with you. In case he tries to get to you. I’d be happy to accompany you.” Ben suggested, a shy smile on his lips.</p><p>Richie grimaced at the thought. So, basically, they should have a babysitter whenever they felt like leaving the house? Wonderful. It was already annoying enough that they had to give up on walking anywhere in Derry, taking the car so that they could speed up and avoid Bowers if necessary, but this… Richie didn’t like it. But what choice did they have, for now? It’s not like they could really count on anyone else to protect them or put Bowers away.</p><p>Richie was tired. They didn’t need that, on top of everything else. As happy as he was to be in love with Eddie and have him love him back, they both had issues to work on. Bowers was adding up to the pile, and Richie felt like he was about to collapse under the weight of their troubles. He just wanted some peace. Was it too much to ask?</p><p>He sighed, rubbing Eddie’s knee, resting against him. He didn’t want to hear about Bowers anymore. He needed to forget it all, for a little while.</p><p>“Can we talk about something else? Please?”</p><p>They all agreed, even though it was clear that they still had a lot to say and a lot to ask. They all knew better than to insist when it wouldn’t be appropriate. Bill started to talk about the second story he was beginning to write, and they all participated in the conversation, suggesting a thing or two, laughing at Bill’s outrageous ideas to end it, even before knowing how it would adequately start. </p><p>Richie didn’t talk much, but he listened to everyone and tuned out his bad thoughts as much as possible. But it wasn’t easy to do. They kept coming back, swirling in his mind, reminding him how much he could lose and how quickly he could find himself alone. His friends turning their back on him. His family disowning him. Eddie choosing everyone else over him, because how could he follow him in the dark, when he belonged to the light, with their friends, with his family, with everyone that wasn’t him?</p><p>Richie zoned out at some point, cutting himself entirely from the conversation happening around him, from the rest of the world. He could hear Bowers’ cruel words towards him, towards Eddie. He saw him pinning Eddie to the ground, using his trauma against him to hurt him, to keep him under control. He remembered how powerless he felt, how weak he was, unable to help, unable to comfort, unable to protect Eddie.</p><p>And now, what could he do? He was still weak. Bowers wouldn’t get arrested. His father was there to make sure that his son would get off scot-free in the end. He would hurt Eddie. Maybe kill him. His blade against Eddie’s soft skin, tearing it up, as viciously as he tore up his shirt last night. A warning. A sick warning.</p><p>Richie hadn’t realized that he started to hyperventilate, closing up on himself, little sobs coming out of his throat. He only managed to get grounded when Eddie got up and hugged him from behind, letting out a worried whine. Richie noticed how everyone suddenly got quiet, looking at him with concern, and he forced himself to laugh, saying with a broken voice:</p><p>“Hey… Hey, guys, what’s up with the long faces? I’m fine, I promise. I… uh… I...”</p><p>Richie lost his words, while Eddie was hugging him even tighter. He managed to say, lowering his gaze, ashamed by how weak and emotional he suddenly was, in front of everyone else:</p><p>“I… I’m tired. Can I… Can we…?”</p><p>Beverly got up immediately to lead them back to their room, while Mike and Ben were taking their bags for them. She provided them with a water bottle filled to the brim, wiping Richie’s cheek, which was wet from the tears he was currently crying:</p><p>“We’re here, okay? We’re all here for you. I can stay with you, if needed.”</p><p>“Bev, that’s nice, but I need to be alone for now. Eddie will be there. It’s… It’s fine.”</p><p>It wasn’t fine. But she nodded, helping them to prepare their room and to order their stuff. She told them once again that they could count on them and to call whenever needed, before closing the door on Eddie and Richie, Ben and Mike following her back downstairs.</p><p>That’s when Richie finally cracked completely. A broken sob came out of his closed-up throat, and he dropped on the floor, curling up on himself, wailing desperately. Eddie immediately took it upon himself to hug him and rock him slowly, just like Richie did when he tried to comfort him, to remind him that he was <em>there </em>for him. No matter what.</p><p>Richie cried and sobbed for god only knew how long, unable to stop himself, unable to calm down. He was so fucking scared, so fucking terrified. He was going to lose everyone. At some point, he was going to lose them all. Whether it was because of Bowers or because they’ll know about his sexuality, Richie was going to be alone. Utterly alone. And he couldn’t bear this thought. He’d rather die than to have to live like that.</p><p>He started to apologize under his breath, repeating that he was sorry, even though he didn’t know exactly why. Sorry for being so weak. Sorry for crying like that. Sorry for forcing Eddie to support him, when he knew very well how tired his partner was. Sorry for being disgusting. Sorry for being Richie Tozier and nothing more.</p><p>Richie pulled on his hair, and Eddie stopped him from doing so, holding his hands in his, shushing him softly. He kept on hugging him, rocking him, letting Richie know that he was there, that he was keeping him safe. Richie closed his eyes, allowing himself to melt into Eddie’s touch, to be so small and so weak when he wanted to be a rock for his partner. Fuck, he was so pathetic...</p><p>He must have fallen asleep at some point, because, when he opened his eyes, Richie was under his blanket, his glasses on the nightstand next to him. He reached out for them, feeling utterly exhausted. He blinked and realized that Eddie wasn’t there in the room with him. As tired as he was, Richie forced himself to get up, awfully worried.</p><p>Where was Eddie? What if he decided that he didn’t want to be with Richie anymore, whether as a friend or a boyfriend, and was doing his best to avoid him? Richie suddenly heard a retching sound coming out from the bathroom, and that’s where he saw Eddie, knelt on the floor, emptying the content of his stomach in the toilet bowl, while Stan was next to him, whispering supportive words, caressing his hair.</p><p>“That’s it, let it out. You’ll feel better after that. And you’ll probably drink less, next time we’re partying.”</p><p>Richie couldn’t help but laugh at Stan’s last sentence. That was indeed the Stanley he knew, not missing an opportunity to play the lesson-giver, even while trying to comfort his hungover friend. Hearing him, Stan turned his towards Richie, silently wondering if he was okay. Richie wasn’t, not really, but Eddie was sick, and Richie was always able to find his strength back whenever Eddie needed him.</p><p>“I’ll take it from here. Thanks, Stan the man.”</p><p>“No problem. Eddie’s my friend too. Take care of him and ask for help if needed. I insist.”</p><p>Stanley patted Eddie’s head awkwardly, before leaving them. Richie rubbed Eddie’s back, reassuring him as much as he could. When he was finished, Eddie was pale and shivering, his hair sticking to his skin with sweat. Richie helped him up, holding his lightwriter as well, that Eddie had let on the ground.</p><p>“Come on, let’s brush your shark teeth and take a shower, okay? I’ll put you to bed after that.”</p><p>Eddie managed to brush his teeth on his own, but he was shaking too much to be able to take off his clothes or to wash himself. A reassuring smile on his lips, Richie helped him gently, shaking his head when Eddie tried clumsily to do it all alone, unable to unbutton his shirt.</p><p>“Don’t worry, Eds. Let me help you this time, okay? It doesn’t mean anything. You’re hungover, and you just threw up, it’s okay if you need help. I’m here for that.”</p><p>Richie invited Eddie to sit in the bathtub, showering him as gently as he could. He regularly checked the temperature, avoiding to look too much at Eddie’s body, focusing on his hair, that he massaged thoroughly. Eddie sighed happily, rocking slowly back and forth, closing his eyes.</p><p>Richie smiled at this sight, thinking about how cute Eddie was. He liked taking care of him, when Eddie needed him to do so. Richie learned when to step back and when to be there, and he genuinely liked it when Eddie allowed him to assist him. Besides, it made it easier to forget about his own issues for a while.</p><p>He knew that it wouldn’t last and that he definitely needed to talk about it, notably with his therapist, but for now, Richie was just enjoying this loving moment with Eddie. He let him wash his most intimate parts on his own, and Eddie did so. One day, maybe, they’ll take a shower together and take care of each other like that, but now wasn’t the time. Richie wasn’t ready. And he doubted that Eddie was either. Later. Not before they’ll discuss it.</p><p>When they were finished, Richie brought his pajamas to Eddie, who managed to put them on all alone. He let Richie guide him to their bedroom, laying down on their bed, drinking from the water bottle Beverly gave them earlier. When that was done, Richie covered him with the blanket, curling up next to Eddie.</p><p>“You’re feeling better?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, reaching out for his typewriter. He slowly answered, sacrificing a few words in the process, too tired to type full sentences:</p><p>“<em>Tired. But better. Thank you. Felt disgusting.” </em></p><p>“Don’t thank me, Eds. I’m here for you, just like you’re here for me. I should be the one thanking you. And I’m sorry for breaking down like that. It won’t happen again.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He caressed Richie’s cheek, a soft and tender gesture that Richie loved so much.</p><p>“<em>Don’t. You can cry. Get upset. It’s okay. Here for you. Always here for you. Love you.” </em></p><p>“I love you too, Eddie Spaghetti.”</p><p>Richie was about to kiss him, but Eddie frowned and shook his head, keeping him away.</p><p>“<em>Don’t. Disgusting. </em>”</p><p>“You’re not disgusting. You just brushed your teeth, and I scrubbed you everywhere. Well, not everywhere, but you know. You smell like vanilla and a soft hint of lemon, I wouldn’t call that disgusting. No, you’re delicious. And I really want to eat you whole.”</p><p>Richie opened his mouth widely, as if he was going to bite Eddie’s hand. He closed his lips on it, but merely sucked the skin, which caused Eddie to giggle at the feeling.</p><p>“<em>Don’t eat me, please!” </em></p><p>Richie stopped, only to answer:</p><p>“I’m the Big Bad Wolf, and you’re the most delightful Little Red Riding Hood I ever came across, how could I resist? I’ll start with your pretty face. So yummy!”</p><p>Eddie chuckled, and Richie kissed him, softly, tenderly, gently. There was no best feeling in the world than the feeling of Eddie’s lips, Eddie’s skin. No, just Eddie. Eddie was the best feeling Richie ever experienced. Being next to him, near him, hugging him, kissing him. It made Richie feel all sorts of warm, happy things. Most of all, it helped him feel strong. Safe. Loved.</p><p>A knock on the door. Richie immediately scooted away from Eddie, telling whoever it was to enter.</p><p>“My hands are fu… full. Can you help?”</p><p>Richie got up, opening the door for Bill, who was holding a tray, filled with a broth bowl and a yogurt. He took it from Bill, thanking him with a smile:</p><p>“Thank Patty for that. B-buh-best remedy for a hangover, she said. She’s cooking downstairs, with Ben, you can come with us when… when… whenever you want.”</p><p>“Thank you for the offer, Bill. I’m not hungry for now, but I’m sure Eddie is. And if he’s not, it’s best to fill his stomach a little, anyway.”</p><p>Bill nodded, hesitating for a second, before putting his hand on Richie’s shoulder:</p><p>“You don’t have to figu-gu-gure it out on your own, Richie. We’ll help. We keep you both safe. Promise.”</p><p>Bill smiled brightly, and Richie felt his throat closing up. If he weren’t holding the tray, he would have jumped on Bill to hug him tightly. It felt good, knowing that they were there. That he wasn’t alone.</p><p>“Take care of Eddie, okay? And take care of yourself too. We’ll be d-downstairs.”</p><p>Bill gently closed the door behind Richie, since he couldn’t do it with his hands full. He returned to Eddie, who straightened up on the bed, allowing Richie to put the tray on his legs. Richie took the spoon, filling it with the broth. Seeing that, Eddie raised an eyebrow, and Richie begged him playfully:</p><p>“Please, just once! I’ll let you do it on your own after that, I swear. I always dreamed of doing that.”</p><p>Eddie sighed, but he nodded, giving up on a fight he wasn’t ready to take on. Richie let out a triumphant “Yes!”, spilling the content of his spoon back in the bowl. He immediately filled it up again, before waving it cautiously in the air:</p><p>“Whoosh, ready for the plane to take off! Delta Tozier to Spaghetti, requesting clearance to land!”</p><p>Eddie only looked at him with a judgmental stare, while Richie did a few figures and more mouth sounds, before putting the spoon between Eddie’s lips. He let it go, allowing Eddie to grab it with one hand, using the other to type:</p><p>“<em>I hate you so much, Richie.” </em></p><p>But Eddie laughed as soon as he took away the spoon from his mouth, amused despite himself by Richie’s antics. Slowly, he ate the broth, while Richie was sitting next to him, babbling about everything he could think of. His hands were always touching Eddie in some way, as if to make sure that he was right there, next to him, allowing him to be so intimate with him. It wasn’t a dream. Eddie was there. Loving him. Supporting him. Trusting Richie to help him as well. It was all Richie ever needed.</p><p>When Eddie was done, Richie put the tray away, and it wasn’t long before Eddie’s eyelids started to flutter. He struggled to type on his lightwriter a single word, that brought back some of Richie’s earlier concern:</p><p>“<em>Plush </em>”</p><p>It had been a while since Eddie had truly needed his teddy bear. Sometimes, he would hold it for comfort or as a sensory thing, but he barely brought it with him when they were leaving the house anymore, and he spent most of his time without feeling the need to hold it. When Richie pulled it out for him and gave it to Eddie, Eddie instantly curled up, hugging it tightly, and started to chew and suck on his ear, the one Beverly fixed.</p><p>It reminded Richie that, as much Eddie was being brave and strong, he was still scared. Scared enough to need his comfort object just like he did weeks, heck, months ago. Richie caressed Eddie’s hair, trying to fight back the deep worry that was trying to take over him right now. At least, Eddie seemed to sleep peacefully, even if he needed his plush to do so. It was a good sign, right?</p><p>Richie could only hold to this thought, listening to Eddie’s breathing and the chewing sounds he was currently doing. He had to be there for Eddie. Maybe he wasn’t expressing his pain and anxiety as obviously as Richie was presently doing, but it was there, and Richie couldn’t just ignore it or force Eddie to be there for him when he needed Richie to fill this role and support him.</p><p>It wouldn’t work for long. They both needed their support system. Their friends. Their therapist. And, as much as Richie hated this thought right now, their family. Maggie and Went always knew what to do to help. They needed them. Their love. Their presence. Their support. Even if it was conditional. Even if it meant that Richie would have to hide who he was for the rest of his life. Eddie needed them. He needed them.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ah, I just love being able to write the Losers again, it's been so long! I'm going to enjoy that as much as possible. Richie and Eddie both have their issues to work on, but they're well surrounded right now and with the Losers Club, they have all the strength they need c:. </p><p>I hope you liked this chapter. I really liked writing it anyway. Particularly the part where Richie played with Eddie's broth, I couldn't stop giggling at the idea x). </p><p>Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos! And subscribe if you want to be warned as soon as possible for an upcoming chapter c:. Thank you all for your support, even after all this time.</p><p>Take care of yourself and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Here's the third chapter, I hope you'll like it! Thank you for your support and your comments. Don't hesitate to tell me if there's something you didn't like, I'm writing so that you can have a good time, so it's important for me to know that you're satisfied (or not).</p><p>Anyway, here are the trigger warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for mention of abuse</p><p>I think that's all! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Eddie opened his eyes, he forgot for a minute where he was. Everything was different. The blanket's feeling against his skin, the size of the bed, and the colors on the wall… He took a deep breath, long enough to allow his brain cells to catch up with the rest of the body. He was about to freak out when he remembered why he wasn't waking up where he usually was.</p><p>Eddie and Richie were staying at Beverly's house. They were not home. Eddie repressed the scream that he was about to let out, now that he knew where he was, biting on his plush's ear to do so. Doing his best to calm his furious heartbeat, Eddie slowly tried to get used to the fact that things changed. Even if it was just temporary, it wasn't an easy thing to do.</p><p>Eddie was a creature of habit. Always had been. The transition between his previous life and the one he led with the Toziers had been quite complicated, but he managed to build a routine, a schedule, something stable enough for his mind to relax and handle the rest of the day. But now, all of this was just thrown out the window. And, as much as he tried to rejoice at the idea to spend the next days with his friends, Eddie couldn't help but feel anxious.</p><p>He wanted his usual blanket, the sight he woke up with in the morning, the particular smell of his house, everything that defined home as <em> home.  </em>But there wasn't any of that there, and Eddie had to accept the idea. He needed to. Because Richie wasn't ready to go back.</p><p>His gaze landed on his boyfriend, who was sleeping next to him, a peaceful expression on his face. Eddie was still shaken by the sudden breakdown that Richie displayed, the day before. How, as soon as they were both alone, he just fell on his knees, cried and wailed, raw emotions that Eddie couldn't control or make go away. But he hugged his partner and stayed with him, as long as necessary. Because that's what he was supposed to. Because Richie had been there for him when he was in this state. Because they were there for each other.</p><p>Eddie couldn't understand what Richie was going through. He tried, he tried, but he just couldn't. Eddie didn't feel this shame towards his sexuality. Heck, if it was only up to him, he would have already told everything to the Losers and to Richie's parents. But Richie wasn't ready. Richie was scared. And Eddie wasn't about to betray him and force him to confront all of that when he didn't want to.</p><p>Until then, Eddie had to be strong, patient, and considerate. And he certainly shouldn't whine about not having his usual blanket or anything as stupid as that. Shaking his head to chase away the anxiety that was gnawing at him, Eddie decided to take matters into his own hands. Even if he wasn't in his usual room, he could still follow his routine, right? First, he had to take a shower. Then breakfast. After that, everything would be fine and set in motion. </p><p>Carefully, slowly, Eddie got up, making sure that he wouldn't wake up Richie. He almost put his lips on Richie's forehead, but fearing that he might stir up, Eddie blew him a kiss, his cheeks getting slightly red at the thought. It was so weird, how stupid he felt now that he was officially in love with Richie… Everything made him feel hotter, weirder. The tiny attentions, the looks exchanged, Richie's hand in his, and so on. Soon enough, Eddie wouldn't be able to think straight at all. </p><p>He smiled at the thought. Thinking straight. No doubt Richie would have made a pun. Eddie should keep it in mind, in case he could use this line again. There was nothing he loved more than being able to make Richie laugh. It was just the most beautiful sound in the world. And no, Eddie wasn't accepting any criticism!</p><p>Eddie wandered for a short while until he found the door to the bathroom. He tried to open it, but he couldn't. Raising an eyebrow, he rattled the knob, until he heard a feminine voice, belonging to Beverly:</p><p>"Sorry, occupied! It's not gonna be long, promise!"</p><p>Eddie whined softly, sitting next to the bathroom door. That wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Eddie could always take his shower whenever he had to. He just had to enter and to do it. Sometimes, Richie would be there, waiting for him and making sure that everything was okay, while letting him do it all on his own. But Beverly was currently in the bathroom, and Eddie couldn't enter. He just couldn't.</p><p>Battling his nervousness, Eddie fiddled with his lightwriter, keeping his hands occupied as much as possible. It wasn't fair. It wasn't supposed to be like that. How long would he have to wait? He couldn't do anything else if he hadn't taken his shower, and if it took too long, everything would be thrown off. Eddie didn't like that feeling. He didn't like it at all.</p><p>A part of him wanted to rattle the doorknob again and ask Beverly to be more precise about the time she would need to wash and prepare herself. But it wouldn't be polite, right? He wasn't supposed to do that. He didn't like it when people bothered him when he was showering, so Beverly surely didn't appreciate it either. Besides, it was her home. If she wanted to use the shower, she shouldn't have to stop herself from doing so.</p><p>Eddie started to hum, rocking back and forth, his head grazing the wall at his every move. He was stuck. And he hated that. It reminded him of his early days at the Tozier's house, when he could barely do a thing without Richie's guidance. He didn't want to bother him for something so stupid. He just had to wait. Be patient.</p><p>At some point, Eddie put his fingers between his lips, sucking and chewing on them, his humming getting louder. How long was it? Eddie didn't have a watch, and he forgot his cellphone in his bedroom, on which he could have seen what time it was. It felt like hours, but it was probably only a few minutes. Eddie was getting frustrated. He was about to hit his head, raising his free arm to do so, when someone called out to him.</p><p>"Hey, Eddie. Everything's okay?"</p><p>Eddie stopped his movement, feeling ashamed at the idea that one of his friends just saw him acting like that. He nodded, even though he knew perfectly that it wasn't the case. That it wasn't okay, because everything was different, because he couldn't take his shower, because he had to be strong when he definitely wasn't able to. Ben smiled him kindly, holding out his hand to him:</p><p>"Why are you sitting here like that? Don't you want to join us for breakfast?"</p><p>Eddie shook his head, humming once again. Forgetting temporarily that he could use his lightwriter, he pointed at the bathroom door and let out an annoyed whine. He had to go to the bathroom before doing anything else. That was how it worked. He needed that, if he couldn't be at home as he usually was. </p><p>Ben was considering his options when the door opened, revealing Beverly, her hair slightly wet, her eyes glistening with affection as soon as she looked at Ben. She saw Eddie and was about to say something, but he didn't let her the time to do so. As soon as the door was opened, Eddie was on his feet and running towards the bathroom, closing it too brutally. He was focusing on undressing when he heard Beverly's voice:</p><p>"Eddie, are you okay? Do you need help?"</p><p>Eddie huffed, getting upset that his process was interrupted like that. Now, he had to pause and think about what he was going to say. Biting his bottom lip, he typed on his lightwriter, so that the voice could tell Beverly:</p><p>"<em>Fine. I have to shower. See you later. </em>"</p><p>His answer was less than ideal, but Eddie wasn't able to think of something else to say. While Beverly and Ben got away, telling Eddie to call out to them if necessary, Eddie took another deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts. Fuck, what was he supposed to do now? His clothes. He had to take off his clothes.</p><p>Eddie struggled to do so, getting more and more frustrated as time went by. When he finally managed to get naked, he stepped into the shower and turned the water on, sighing with relief. Okay, back on track. Even if he didn't have his usual shampoo. Even if it smelled and felt different than it generally did. Things were starting to make sense again. Okay. Okay.</p><p>Eddie could handle it. He was getting better with this kind of thing. He wasn't going to have a meltdown because he wasn't able to shower immediately. It would be childish. And Eddie wasn't childish, in spite of what his mother thought of him. Resting his head against the shower cabin, Eddie's thoughts led him back to the woman who raised him all of these years and meticulously tried to break him. What would she say? What would she think of him?</p><p>Eddie didn't know. He didn't want to know. He groaned, focusing on the task at hand to make her memory go away far, very far. He didn't need her. He never did. She was dead, anyway. She would never be able to tell him anything ever again. And it was for the best, right? Right? Eddie groaned once again at the thought, sliding his fingers between his lips to bite on them furiously. </p><p>Stop thinking about her. Stop getting upset without any good reason to do so. Eddie was over this stuff, he worked very hard on it. So why was he still angry? That was stupid. That was so stupid. Forcing himself to pull out his fingers, Eddie kept on washing until he was done. At the moment he stepped out of the shower, he realized something: he hadn't brought the clothes he was supposed to wear today with him. </p><p>Why? Because Richie usually did it for him, most of the time. He thought about those things that Eddie forgot. And Eddie didn't manage to think about it on his own this time. A distressed whine came out of his throat, and Eddie pulled on his hair furiously, viciously, as if to punish himself for his carelessness. Stupid, stupid, stupid! And now, what was he supposed to do? He couldn't put back his clothes on, they weren't clean! He would get dirty again, and he would have to take another shower, but he couldn't, because he already took too long, and he had to join the others for his breakfast and…</p><p>Eddie's thoughts came to a halt. Mouth agape, he let himself fall on the cold tiles and curled up there, naked, shivering. He was supposed to… He had to… He didn't know anymore. He wanted to go home. But Richie didn't want to. Richie was scared. Eddie was supposed to be strong for him. But he wasn't. He was stuck. Stuck. Stuck.</p><p>Oh, Eddie bear, you see that you can't do anything on your own. You know that you need me. Mommy would help you if she was there. Mommy would bring you your clothes and dress you up, because you can't do that. You can't do that, Eddie bear. You can't do anything. You…</p><p>"Eddie, it's Richie! I'm here!"</p><p>Eddie suddenly came back to reality, startled by his partner's voice and the way he was banging against the door. He hadn't noticed how loudly he was humming, so loudly that he could be heard outside of the bathroom. Richie was there. Why wasn't he by his side? Why was he still away?</p><p>"Eddie, please, the door is closed. Let me in. Let me help."</p><p>Oh. Eddie locked the door. He forgot about that. He should open it, right? That was what he had to do, right? Yeah. He just had to… do that. And Richie would be there. Next to him. Open the door. Open the door. Why wasn't he moving? Why was he still lying on the floor, his body shivering, his teeth chattering?</p><p>"Eds, please! Come on, you can do it. Talk to me, do something, anything!"</p><p>Richie was getting scared. Eddie didn't like it. He was supposed to prevent it from happening, right? Because Eddie was brave. And he wasn't scared of Bowers or the Tozier's reaction to his sexuality. But he was afraid of something else. And he couldn't exactly tell what. And it made everything else so hard to accomplish. So complicated.</p><p>Eddie suddenly heard a "clink" and the door was opened. Richie had managed to push the key out of the lock and to slide it back to his side, using it to unlock the door and get back to Eddie. Eddie, who was still curled up on the floor, utterly confused and awfully cold. Richie immediately draped him in a towel, cautiously warming him up.</p><p>"You're so cold… How long did you stay like that?"</p><p>Eddie didn't know. It could have been very short or quite long, he had no idea. Everything seemed so fast and slow at the same time, he just couldn't get it. Eddie wasn't in sync with the rest of the world. He was supposed to shower, dress up, and eat his breakfast, and none of that had happened the way it usually was. </p><p>Richie helped him up on his feet, and Eddie followed his partner, pliant in his hands. He looked at him with his big brown eyes, a hazy gaze reflecting his mind's current state. A mess. It was a mess. </p><p>"I brought you your clothes. Can you put them on?"</p><p>Can you put them on? Can you put them on? Eddie mouthed the words quietly, unsure of what he was supposed to. His mother was supposed to do that for him, right? That's how it happened. Or did it? Eddie wasn't sure. It was just so… so confusing. When he was at his mom's flat, she was the one who dressed him up. When he was at the Tozier's house, he had to do it all alone, but Richie would help if he really needed to. But here? What was he supposed to do?</p><p>As a single answer, Eddie parted his lips and started to suck on his fingers. He didn't know. He was lost. He needed help. He needed his mom. His mom would know. His mom would know. His mom would know. He couldn't stop thinking that. He could already hear her, feel her hands all over him, putting his clothes on for him. At some point, she pulled on his arm so that she could put his shirt on. Eddie allowed it, used to this kind of thing. He was so out of it that he only realized that Richie helped him once he was entirely dressed up. </p><p>Eddie stared at him, getting more and more confused. Where was his mommy? She was there, right? Why was everything so confusing? Richie started to say something, but Eddie couldn't understand him anymore. The words weren't making sense. Nothing was making sense. He wanted his mommy. She helped when things were so confusing. She always did. She… She…</p><p>Eddie blinked, whining softly when music invaded his ears. Richie had brought him back to their room and put his headphones on his head, turning on his tape player. David Bowie's voice filled his mind, and he mouthed the lyrics silently. Meanwhile, Richie was holding his hands, moving them up and down in a relaxing and soothing motion, providing the sensory outlet that Eddie needed right now.</p><p>Slowly, everything started to make sense again. Eddie's gaze got more vivid, his thoughts less confused. He realized what he had just done and felt awfully ashamed. Pulling out his hands from Richie's, he hid his face, whining under his breath.</p><p>"Hey, Eddie, it's okay. Everything's okay. Don't worry. Can you understand me?"</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, then he stopped hiding his face, nodding to show that he indeed understood Richie. Richie, who seemed utterly relieved to see that he was answering and interacting with him. Richie, who was cautiously approaching his hand from Eddie's cheek, not daring to touch it. Eddie allowed it to happen, getting near Richie's hand and enjoying the soft feeling, a sigh coming out of his lips.</p><p>"Okay, that's good. You're back, Eddie Spaghetti. What happened? Can you tell me?"</p><p>Eddie wasn't sure. He was still a bit hazy. He just knew that he was supposed to take a shower, and he couldn't right away. He said so, typing slowly on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>Bathroom occupied. Couldn't shower. </em>"</p><p>"Oh… Oh!"</p><p>Richie was bewildered at first, but he almost immediately understood what Eddie meant. He smiled softly at his partner, caressing his cheek gently:</p><p>"That's how it's happening, right? Shower, then breakfast. But someone was already in the bathroom, and you couldn't follow your schedule to a T. Am I right?"</p><p>Eddie nodded. It was precisely that. Beverly was in the bathroom, and he had been stuck for too long. His anxiety was rising, and it just exploded when he stopped taking his shower and realized he forgot to take his clothes with him. It was too much. And it shouldn't be. Avoiding Richie's gaze, he typed on his lightwriter, mortified:</p><p>"<em>Sorry. Won't do it again. Not stupid." </em></p><p>Richie shook his head at Eddie's words, brushing his forehead softly with his lips:</p><p>"You're not stupid. And I'm the one who should apologize. I know that you need a schedule and stability, but I just let you handle all of it on your own, when I should have prepared that with you and everyone else. I'm sorry, Eddie."</p><p>Eddie didn't know what to say. He wasn't expecting Richie to apologize. He wasn't sure he was supposed to, to be honest. Eddie should have known better. He had progressed a lot, he should be able to wait to take his shower without getting stupidly upset over it. Eddie moaned shamefully, and Richie opened his arms for him. Eddie immediately hugged him, and Richie caressed his hair, whispering to his ear:</p><p>"It's okay, Eds. It's new. Everything's new. You're not used to it, and it's stressing you out. It's okay. I… We can go home, if you want. It's okay."</p><p>Eddie protested, an angry whine coming out of his lips while he hugged Richie even tighter. No, he wasn't going to force Richie to face his demons when he wasn't ready to do so! He needed time away from his family, and he would come back if Eddie did so, he just knew it. Eddie had to be brave.</p><p>Richie chuckled at his opposition, kissing his head once again:</p><p>"Okay, we're staying. But in exchange, I want you to ask for help if you're struggling with something, alright? It doesn't matter if I'm sleeping or if I'm reading or even beating the meat..."</p><p>Richie winked, and Eddie got awfully red at his words. He whined furiously and shook his head, trying to chase away the embarrassment that invaded him and took over most of his thoughts. Ugh… Richie was so NOT funny, sometimes! Not funny at all!</p><p>"I want you to come to me, okay? If you can't talk, then we'll figure out together what to do, Eds. You can also ask the Losers for help. I'm sure they'd be happy to be there for you. Just as I am."</p><p>Asking his friends for help… Eddie cringed at the idea. Could he really ask Stan or Mike to help him put on his clothes, if he couldn't do so himself? Could he go to Ben and ask him for a tight hug for comfort? Would he be able to reach out to Bev or Bill and have them figure out what he needed, when everything was too confusing? And Patty? It was just so… so awkward. He shouldn't need that much help. He shouldn't.</p><p>"<em>Not stupid. Can do it alone." </em></p><p>Richie sighed, caressing Eddie's hair:</p><p>"Again, I'm not saying that you're stupid. I'll never say or think that of you, Eddie. I swear. We all need help sometimes. Stan relies on Patty when he has his bad days. Bev and Ben rely on each other as well. And we're all there for the others. It was always like that. Why wouldn't you be allowed to get help when needed, Eddie?"</p><p>Eddie shrugged, unsure. He didn't know. He was just convinced that it was too much. That he shouldn't bother them like that. But he didn't have an answer to give to Richie, so he finally nodded, rolling his eyes at Richie's victorious expression:</p><p>"You see? I'm always right, Eddie Spaghetti. Come on, let's go get our breakfast. After that, Bev has planned a game of Uno. The losing team is supposed to cook for everyone and wash the dishes. I don't know you, but I'm superbly lazy today, so I don't intend to lose!"</p><p>Eddie chuckled at Richie's enthusiasm. Breakfast, then a card game. Okay, he could manage it. Everything would be fine. Richie was there. His friends too. He wasn't alone. He wasn't with his mom either. Everything was okay. Getting up from the bed, he followed Richie downstairs, reassuring everyone on his mental and physical state. He was fine, just tired. And hungry!</p><p>Eddie happily munched on his toast, listening to the discussions happening around him. He wasn't quite ready to participate, but getting to hear them all was enough to make him smile. Mike, Patty, and Stan were debating over books, as they were now used to, while Ben and Bev were exchanging loving looks and words. Richie was trying to convince Bill to give up on his stupid "clown killer" idea, his hand resting on Eddie's knee. Just to let him know that he was there. To ground him.</p><p>Eddie was so lucky to have such a wonderful boyfriend. And his friends were awesome as well. When they realized that he never played Uno before, they immediately explained to him the rules and played a fake game so that he could understand it in context. They were all so kind and understanding… Despite everything, Eddie was the happiest man on earth.</p><p>The battle was quite intense. Eddie, Richie, Bill, and Mike had teamed up against Patty, Beverly, Stanley, and Ben, who were quite decided to NOT have to cook for everyone else. Eddie pouted when his friends won the first round. Richie noticed it immediately and got his attention. Eddie looked at him, raising an eyebrow. And then he started to… sign. Discreetly, to let him know what cards he had, what cards he needed Eddie to use.</p><p>Okay, it was cheating. But if they didn't catch them doing so, they would win and wouldn't have to cook and do the dishes, so it was fine, right? Besides, they were merely using their wits to win the game. When Eddie thought about it, he wasn't really cheating, right? He and Richie were just too clever for their own good.</p><p>Eddie and Richie couldn't stay discreet for too long. Mike noticed their "strategy" and, being the good person that he was, called them out on it. Richie denied vehemently, but he admitted his defeat quickly, a cheeky smile on his lips.</p><p>"You're the worst, both of you," Beverly said, distributing the cards for another game. "It doesn't matter what happens next, I'm voting for Eddie and Richie to cook and do the dishes. Punishment for the cheaters."</p><p>They all raised their hands, Richie and Eddie excepted.</p><p>"Motion agreed to." Beverly laughed, sorting her cards. "Don't you dare sabotage our meal, Richie."</p><p>"As if I would do such a thing! Eddie and I are going to cook the best dish you ever tasted, and you're going to regret calling us such bad names! Cheaters, how dare you?"</p><p>"It's a fitting name, you did cheat." Patty quipped, smiling and playing her hand. "And not very discreetly, I might add..."</p><p>"<em>We still won a game! </em>"</p><p>"And you're the one who always accused me of cheating when I won against you while playing chess..." Stanley shook his head, a jaded expression on his face. "I'm going to crush you both during this game. I don't care if I'm not winning any prize, I just want you two to experience the bitter taste of defeat. Sorry, Mike, Bill."</p><p>Mike chuckled, and Bill retorted that he wouldn't let him do so. Despite Bill's determination, they still lost. And Eddie and Richie ended up in the kitchen, tasked to feed everyone else. Eddie didn't mind it. He was getting to spend more time with Richie and to help him as well.</p><p>Aside from a cake and some cookies, Eddie didn't have much experience in cooking, but he was eager to assist Richie. He was decided to prepare spaghetti bolognese (with a side accompaniment for Patty and Stan) for everyone, the idea of it making him laugh out loud:</p><p>"Eh, cooking spaghetti with Eddie Spaghetti. Isn't that just perfect?"</p><p> Eddie rolled his eyes at his words, but he smiled nonetheless. He followed Richie's instructions, proud whenever his friend praised him for his efforts. It wasn't a very elaborate dish, but it smelled delicious, and everyone else seemed to agree, getting near them to try to get a taste of Richie's sauce.</p><p>Richie swatted away Beverly's hand, who pouted exaggeratedly as an answer:</p><p>"Our kitchen, our rules! And no, you're not allowed to get a taste before everything's done. Go back with everyone else, you non-cheater!"</p><p>"As if it was an insult. Be on your guard, Mighty Cook, because I'll be back!"</p><p>Beverly stepped back with a dramatic expression, Richie laughing at her antics. It was so good to have them all back. To have fun with them. To laugh with them. As if nothing happened. As if everything was fine.</p><p>But everything was indeed <em>fine.  </em>When they were together, the Losers could face everything. Reunited, they were stronger than ever, ready to take on the world if necessary. A smile on his lips, Richie looked at Eddie. His gaze became tender, noticing how focused his Eddie Spaghetti was on his task.</p><p>Richie didn't know what took over him, but he boldly kissed Eddie on the forehead. As soon as he realized what he did, he looked around him, panicked, but no one seemed to have noticed. He sighed, relieved, and patted Eddie's hair.</p><p>"You're doing good. It's almost over."</p><p>Eddie smiled, flapping happily. Doing so, the sauce on his wooden spoon flew everywhere, landing on Richie's cheek. He was afraid that Eddie would get upset, but Eddie merely laughed, cleaning Richie's face and the surfaces on which the tiny drops of sauce landed. Eddie was stronger than he thought. More than everyone else thought. Very soon, he would be adjusted, and they could all enjoy those times together.</p><p>Richie wished it could just last forever… A never-ending dream. But one day or another, they'll all have to wake up...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Eddie's dealing with change and it's quite difficult for him, on top of everything else, but he has Richie and the Losers supporting him, thankfully c:. </p><p>Honestly, change can be hard sometimes, even the slightest one. I had almost a meltdown once because my mother threw away my old pillow and replaced it with another one. I needed more than a week to get used to it, it was just awful. I wasn't ready for it. Eddie wasn't either, but he's with people who get him and are ready to accommodate him. Sometimes, that's all you need, a bit of help and understanding c:.</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to leave kudos and/or comments, whether to say good things or if you have some stuff that you didn't like much. I'm open to discussion c:. </p><p>Take care, don't push yourself too much and see you soon :D.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay. I noticed some of my AO3 mails arrived very late, so I'm guessing some of you haven't been warned that my story had been updated xD. I hope you'll be all catching up quite soon. Thank you to those of you who commented, kudosed and bookmarked my fanfic, it really means a lot c:. Those are basically the only ways I have to know if you're still interested in my story or not, so it's pretty important for me :D.</p><p>Anyway, I hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the Trigger Warnings:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of sexual abuse<br/>TW for mention of pedophilia<br/>TW for mention of bullying<br/>TW for mention of a suicide attempt</p><p>I think that's all, tell me if you would like me to tag something else. </p><p>Before leaving you, I have to warn you that I might not update my story as usual in the next days. I'll talk about it more at the end of the chapter.</p><p>Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Richie lighted up his cigarette, letting the smoke invade his lungs. It’s been a while since the last time he smoked. Eddie didn’t like the smell, and his parents weren’t too fond of it either. Richie frowned at the thought and chased it away as quickly as possible. If he didn’t stop right now, it would get worse almost immediately. Richie knew very well how easily his mind could betray him, forcing him to handle his emotions at full intensity, everything at the same time. And he wasn’t ready to deal with that. He didn’t want to deal with that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie was alone, from his own volition. Something good with the Losers was that they didn’t need to be stuck together every second of the day to enjoy everyone else’s presence. They all needed their time apart sometimes. Richie smiled, thinking back to his youth and how oblivious he could sometimes be, insisting again and again to help, be there for his friends, and make them laugh, when he should have noticed that they definitely needed him to calm down and step away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie hadn’t changed that much since then. Especially with Eddie. He felt better, knowing where he was, how he was doing, being sure that he wasn’t hurt or scared or trapped in his memories. He was getting better with this kind of stuff, but his progress was slow. Too slowly for his liking. And Richie clearly felt that he was regressing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bowers’ threat had set them back, both of them. Eddie had resorted to his previous coping mechanisms, sleeping with his plush held tight, biting on its ear. Sometimes, he would spend the entire day with it, never putting it down if he could avoid it. Richie wasn’t about to take away from Eddie his comfort object, but the fact that he needed it more than he did in the last few months was worrying him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it was precisely how Bowers’ threat affected him. Richie was worried about Eddie. Constantly. The fact that they were there in Beverly’s house was a significant change to handle for him, even if it was temporary. Although he got better at handling it, far from the shutdown he experienced the first day he woke up there, it was apparent that Eddie still had some troubles, here and there. And he hesitated to rely on Richie or his friends.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it didn’t justify the constant ache Richie felt when he wasn’t near Eddie, the pain that he was experiencing right now. Actually, he forced himself to step back, letting Eddie join Stanley, Patty, and Ben to play in the snow. Richie knew that Eddie was safe, that his friends were there for him, but he was still worried, and it wasn’t good. Richie couldn’t allow himself to be overbearing as he was before. Eddie deserved better from him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s why he retreated on the balcony, smoking to calm his nerves, looking at the horizon without really appreciating the landscape. Years before, they used to spend time there, all of the Losers minus Eddie, who never had the opportunity to come to Beverly’s house before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Auntie Marsh, as they called Beverly’s aunt, was always welcoming and happy to see her niece having fun with her friends. Richie kind of missed the eccentric lady, who was actually gone for the holidays and wouldn’t come back for a while. She had never been ready for parenting, but she did her best when Beverly needed her, even buying a property in Derry to make sure that her niece could stay with her friends, giving her the time to heal properly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now, they were all there again, just like before. Well, aside from Eddie being actually able to join them… Richie smiled, his eyes wandering towards the backyard, where Eddie enjoyed the snow with his friends. Richie could see him digging his fingers in the snow, appreciating the feeling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Inhaling his smoke, Richie allowed himself to admire him, his heart beating fast for the man that he loved so much. The person he was so lucky to have as a partner… Often, Richie wondered if he deserved it. But if Eddie was happy with him, Richie would do his damn best to make sure it would always be the case. No matter what happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Care for some company, Richie?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie raised his head, turning it to look at Beverly. Warmly dressed, she was holding a cigarette between her fingers, playing with it distractedly. He smiled at her, nodding immediately:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come freeze with me, Bev. Or die from lung cancer, both options are valid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She laughed, leaning on the railing next to Richie. A cheeky smile on her lips, she held out her cigarette to Richie so that he would light it up. He did so, bowing slightly to her:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“M’lady...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As an answer, she poked him on the forehead, before turning her gaze towards the landscape in front of them, smoking her cigarette. She sighed softly, a thoughtful expression on her face:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s been a while since the last time we smoked together, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you can say that. I missed it. Not the smoking part, although I was definitely craving for a cig, but, you know...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly nodded, smiling at Richie. He smiled back at her, enjoying her friendly company. As fiery as she was, she always managed to calm him down when they were together and weren’t decided to wreak havoc. Sometimes, they would spend hours lying down on the floor of either of their rooms, looking at the ceiling and talking about everything and anything. Richie missed that. He missed it very much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you, Richie. And for Eddie either. I… I should have done something. Said something. I don’t know...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie shook his head, putting his hand on Beverly’s shoulder:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t apologize. I’m the one who should be sorry, who should have reached out to you all. I wasn’t there when any of you needed me. I wasn’t even there for Stanley when...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie found himself unable to finish his sentence. He remembered how, many years ago, he witnessed Stanley’s first suicide attempt. How he stopped him and tried to do everything he could to help him, to pull him out of his hysterical state. He hadn’t been there for him, this time. And he could have died. For real. Richie’s stomach churned at the thought.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly sighed, a heavy sigh that seemed to carry the entire weight of the world:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We weren’t there either. We didn’t see it coming. We should have. As much as we were there for him after that, he was all alone when he found himself desperate enough to make his attempt. It’s a miracle he’s still with us, to this day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiled, looking at Stanley warming Eddie’s hands, Patty right next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And we have to thank Patty for that. She was there when we couldn’t be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s awesome, right?” Richie inhaled his smoke, fiddling with his glasses with his free hand. “Just the right person for him. I’m glad for Stanley.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly nodded quietly, brushing away a lock of hair in front of her eyes. Her gaze seemed far away, lost between the past and the present. For a while, they both stayed quiet, not feeling the need to fill the silence between them. Beverly was the first to talk again, her fingers tightening on her cigarette:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s always so weird, coming back to Derry. I can never get used to it, despite the years passed. I… It’s like there’s something in me, trying to crush me from the inside. To make me feel small.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie stepped closer to her, so that Beverly would feel that he was there for her. That she wasn’t alone, as she used to be in her father’s flat, when she was still under his custody. She shivered and, Richie knew it, it wasn’t from the cold weather.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s like </span>
  <em>
    <span>he</span>
  </em>
  <span>’s still here. I mean… I know he’s rotting in jail, it’s just… I’m not sure. I’m stupid.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not, Bev.” Richie held her hand in his, squeezing it tightly. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you went through. Coming back here, it can’t be easy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can say that. The first time I came back after I left for my studies, I threw up and I fainted, as soon as I saw the sign at the town’s entrance. Auntie had to drive me to the nearest hospital, she was panicking so much...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She laughed, a laugh that wasn’t very happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel safe in my home. But outside… I always feel like he’s watching me. I can’t even get near our old building. After all of these years, I feel like I should, you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked at Eddie, smiling fondly while he was trying to build a snowman, helped by Ben:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I was as brave as him. When we did our Derry Tour and he just stepped out of the car to face his old house, I couldn’t believe it. After everything she did to him, he… he just...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Putting out her cigarette on the ashtray, she stepped away from the railing, looking back at her house. Her arms closed on her own body, hugging herself tightly. Richie immediately hugged her as well. She was so tiny in his big arms, it reminded him of Eddie. And yet, it felt so different. Warm, sure. But not the same kind of warmness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I couldn’t stop thinking about this fucking documentary, when I saw Eddie for the first time after all of these years. I… It’s hard not to think about it, even now. I look at him and I… I see her treating him like a toddler or some kind of dog, while getting everyone’s approval. It’s… It’s disgusting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She took a deep breath, facing Richie so that she could hug him back. Richie appreciated it. It’s been a while since he thought about this documentary, but he never forgot what he saw. How lifeless Eddie seemed to be, letting everyone handle him as if he was nothing more than a doll, a pretty doll to manipulate and show off. So different from the tiny angry gremlin that Richie knew and loved so much… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But after all of that, Eddie was still there. He fought so hard against his past and conditioning, all of those limits that his mother made him believe were his forever… And despite everything and everyone, Eddie was now happy, communicating, thriving in a world that tried to convince him that there was something wrong with him. Eddie gave the middle finger to all of those who didn’t believe in him, and Richie couldn’t be prouder than he already was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly sighed, detaching herself from Richie, pacing on the balcony:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel shitty. I shouldn’t think about those things, but I am. You probably don’t want to hear about that either...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie shrugged, patting Beverly on the head:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s a lot to take in, I get it. When Eddie got back to me, I was afraid I would break him, you know? That I would do the wrong thing, say the wrong stuff, and just… just make everything worse for him. I’m still thinking like that sometimes, it’s hard to shake it off.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly smiled at his words, squeezing his hand in hers:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I can imagine. Hard to beat your overbearing nature when it comes to us. I remember that clearly.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m trying not to. I’m working on that with my therapist as well. Eddie is still regaining his independence, and if I don’t allow him to do so, then he can’t feel better in his skin. I’m trusting him. I have to. I want to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie needed that from him. From his partner. Someone who trusted him, who allowed him to walk on his own, but was ready to help him as well. It was a fragile balance to achieve it, but Richie was prepared to do anything to maintain it. Especially now that they were sharing this new relationship, that they still had to figure out…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly rested her elbows on the railing, looking at Eddie once again. Richie did the same, gazing at his boyfriend. He seemed to have fun, as if everything was just fine, as if Bowers wasn’t around there, waiting for the opportunity to hurt them once more. Just as he did before. Richie took a deep breath. No, he couldn’t let his bad thoughts invade him again. He had to be strong. He had to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been legitimately surprised by how well he was doing, contrasting with what I saw on the documentary. He’s really thriving, Richie. And it’s thanks to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie felt his cheeks reddened, and he shook his head, avoiding Beverly’s gaze:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“N… No, I just… Eddie’s my best friend, so, of course, I had to be there for him, but my parents and Mike were there too and… and he did most of the job himself, on his own, and...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly poked him on the forehead, forcing his words to a halt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shh, Richie. Stop trying to make it look like you haven’t done anything. I saw it all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie gulped at her words. Saw it all? What did she mean by that? Did she… Was she…?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re his lighthouse in the middle of the night. Ben has been like that for me too. He still is. He’s always so kind and understanding. He’s not getting upset with me when I find myself flinching at some of his motions. He’s patient when I’m crashing down, and I feel like I’m still “Daddy’s little girl”...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shivered as soon as she said the words out loud. Richie opened his arms for her, and she took refuge in his hug, visibly relieved that he didn’t try to force it on her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I need that, you know? How gentle he is with me whenever I can’t answer back to his affection, how he keeps asking me for my consent, and making sure that I’m always okay with whatever he’s doing to me… I need that. And he’s also so nice when I push him back, when I’m in the mindset that I don’t need him, because I don’t belong to anyone. And certainly not to a man. He’s a treasure.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly smiled fondly, looking at her partner. Exactly like Richie with Eddie. Something inside him wanted to talk. To say something. To admit it out loud. But he couldn’t. The words were stuck, stuck in his throat, stuck in his mind. He was scared. He was too afraid to embrace it fully. To tell his friend, his dear Beverly, that he was in love with Eddie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course, I’m there for him too. As much as I can. Ben is so sweet and kind that this world would crush him mercilessly if I wasn’t there to keep him safe and fight his battles for him. Can you believe that he actually apologized to a waiter who poured soup on his lap? He felt so embarrassed, as if he should have sat somewhere else to avoid him any troubles...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both chuckled, Richie rolling his eyes with an amused expression on his face:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I can definitely picture it. Ben is too kind for this fucked up world. And yet, he would rise up for you, as the goody-two-shoes knight that he is…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He would do that for all of us. Not just me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kind-hearted Ben, hiding his poetic nature shyly, not daring to reveal the beautiful worlds written in his notebooks… Did he woo Beverly with one of his poems? Richie would have paid a lot to see it happen. He couldn’t imagine doing the same for Eddie, maybe while joking, but there were many ways he was able to express his love. And many ways Eddie loved him back as well. Richie enjoyed every single one of them and was eager to discover them more as time went by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly leaned her head on his shoulder, and Richie allowed it, appreciating the way they would casually show each other the love they shared. And he knew that Ben wouldn’t get jealous, because that wasn’t how it was, between them all. The bond that was linking them all went beyond the relationships they created between each other, beyond Ben and Beverly’s love, beyond Richie and Eddie’s love. It was strong, unwavering, something out of this world. Something Richie desperately needed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so glad you’re all here.” Richie sighed, fiddling with his glasses: “Too bad you’ll have to go back to your lives in a few days.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly grimaced at his words, visibly upset by the idea:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wish I could stay here longer. I really do. But...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you have something out there, and it’s awesome. Really. I get it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly patted his arm in a comforting gesture:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll find that someday, I’m sure of it. You, Eddie, Mike. You can’t just stay stuck in Derry for your entire life. There’s something better waiting for you out there, when you’ll be ready for that. I believe in you, Richard Tozier. I believe that you can thrive, away from this fucked up town.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly flipped off the horizon, and Richie did the same, smiling and laughing. He wanted to believe her. He really wanted to. But even if something was waiting for him out there, Richie wouldn’t leave until Eddie was ready and eager to follow him. And, judging by how he reacted at the fact that they were temporarily away from home for a couple of days, it wasn’t going to happen right now… But Richie was patient. He was okay with that. He was less okay with the fact that Bowers lived here as well. And that he was perfectly able to break out in their room and attack Eddie…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Noticing how tense he became, Beverly guessed his trail of thoughts and squeezed Richie’s hand:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s going to be okay. You and Eddie can stay here as long as needed. Auntie will be glad to have you there, she loves you, Richie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, it’s just… It’s not home for Eddie, you know? He’s doing better, but I’m pretty sure he’s set on the idea that we’ll be back very soon. If we stay too long, he might… it could be bad. I don’t know...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Talk with him. Figure out what you’ll be doing after all of that. When the holidays are over. Eddie would have to go back to work. I’m guessing you too, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie sighed:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah. My boss is understanding. Really. Probably for the wrong reasons, but anyway, if I’m not back after the holidays, he’s definitely going to fire me. I need this job.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even if he loathed the idea to be away from Eddie for so long, especially given the context… If they weren’t back home by then, Richie would have to rely on Mike to be there for Eddie. Eddie hadn’t been all alone yet, and he doubted he would appreciate it so soon, in an environment that he was barely familiar with. He could probably have Eddie at his workplace here and there, his boss wouldn’t mind. And maybe Greta…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie shook his head at the thought, grimacing. Beverly raised an eyebrow at the sight, confused, and he explained himself. She laughed at his weird idea, patting his head:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Greta, for real. You really think either of them would like to spend so much time all alone together?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, certainly not. They’d definitely fight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly chuckled, nodding at Richie’s words. She stayed quiet for an instant, deep in her thoughts, before adding with a pensive voice:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, I crossed Greta’s path, these last few days. She… She apologized to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie knew that it was something that Greta wanted to do, but he didn’t expect her to actually accomplish it. He stayed silent, allowing Beverly to continue:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was a real apology. She didn’t insult me or anything like that. She said that she was sorry for the awful things that she told me all these years, for everything that she did to me. That I didn’t deserve any of that and that she was just acting bitchy because she was jealous of me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly had a sad laugh:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She definitely had nothing to be jealous of. I told her that, and she agreed. She knows better now. But she didn’t, back then. She asked for my forgiveness. For a second, I really wanted to say no. She hurt me pretty badly, you know? School could have been my haven, but she made it another hellhole in my shitty life. Just because she could.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie remembered it very well. How mean Greta could be, especially with Beverly. The way she would destroy her stuff whenever she could, insult her, put gum in her hair, and tear off her clothes… She could be awfully cruel, and Beverly, as tough as she was, often found herself crying when she thought no one could see her or when it was too much for her, relying on her friends for the comfort she desperately needed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But I forgave her. I’ll never forget, but I decided to acknowledge and accept what happened. I think she needed it more than me, you know? But it still felt good, somehow. It’s like I definitely freed myself from the little girl I used to be. I’m not this Beverly anymore. I’m stronger. I can handle whatever shit life has decided to throw at my face.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie nodded at her words. Beverly had always been strong for him. She lived through the abuse her father forced her to handle, through the bullying, through everything. And she was thriving in her classes, in her field, and Richie was sure that, soon enough, everyone would want to wear something created by the wonderful Beverly Marsh. She built herself from scratch and, god, she did a fantastic job.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, you’re strong. Really. I’m not sure I could have forgiven Greta, if I were you. She definitely hates me, anyway.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think she does. It’s just the way she is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie shrugged. He doubted they would ever be close, Greta Keene and all of them. Too much stuff between them. But she was trying to be better, and who was he to stop her from doing so? People were allowed to change. Especially if it was for the best. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly straightened her arms, yawning softly:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should probably head back. I left Mike and Bill together, I bet they’re still talking about Bill’s book. Seriously...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They’re real nerds. If we weren’t there to stop them, I bet they would have retreated to Derry’s library until the end of the holidays. Totally forgetting about their dear, old friends!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Richie wiped an invisible tear, causing Beverly to laugh at his antics:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not wrong. But it’s good that they’re so passionate. Bill needed that. And Mike is happy to have someone he can share his love for books with. It’s obvious.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s glued to his library. It’s like his baby or something. It’s cute in some way. And creepy too. Can you imagine what he’s doing with his books? I bet he’s sticking his dong between the pa...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly flicked him on the forehead immediately, stopping him in his sentence:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Beep Beep, Richie! No, I definitely can’t. You’re disgusting. You’re still awfully disgusting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie laughed at her words, adjusting his glasses:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you know me, Bev. Once Trashmouth, always Trashmouth! That’s my motto, babe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t call me babe. Or I’ll start calling you Richie Rich.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie gasped at her threat:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t! I hate him! He’s like a tiny Donald Trump, I’m nothing like him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly stuck her tongue out childishly, winking at Richie:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dare me… Richie Rich.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie let out another gasp, running after Beverly when she fled. They passed by Mike and Bill, who interrupted their heated discussion to look at them with a bewildered gaze. Beverly jumped on the couch and grabbed a cushion, throwing it at Richie. He stepped away, the fluffy and soft object flying directly towards Mike, who reacted too late to avoid it. He gave a quick look to Bill and, soon enough, they were engaged in a cushion fight, not one of them ready to wave the white flag.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It became even worse when the rest of the Losers went back home, surprising them in their battle. Stanley tried to be reasonable, but he gave up as soon as Richie threw a cushion at him. He and Patty teamed up to bring down Richie, while Eddie ran to his side to protect him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the end, they all collapsed on the floor, lying on the pillows, laughing and breathing erratically after this wild fight. Richie definitely felt better, surrounded by his friends, having fun with them as if they were still the kids they used to be. Even if they all grew up, even if they all changed, even with Patty as a new addition to the group… Their bond was there. Still strong. Powerful. Unbreakable.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wanted to write a Beverly/Richie centric chapter for so long and it's finally here! I'm so happy. I missed writing Beverly, she's awesome. Too bad they didn't show her full potential in the second movie, what a missed opportunity. I hope you liked it!</p><p>Anyway, I'll have to go back to my parents' home for a few days. I'm not gonna get into too much detail, but there's going to be a wedding and I doubt I'll be able to have enough energy left to write my chapter as usual. I'll see what I can do, but I can't promise you anything. I'll be back on Monday and I'll have a full day to rest on Tuesday, before going back to work. I'll see if I can upload then, if I didn't during the last few days. Thank you for your understanding.</p><p>Oh, and one last thing: I started to think about a new fanfiction and I wondered if some of you might be interested in the idea. It's a Barry (HBO) fanfiction, centering on Barry and NoHo Hank, and it would be an AU. </p><p>It would be focused on this simple concept: what if Barry was a shady bodyguard instead of a shady hitman? He would have been tasked to protect Noho Hank, dear nephew of Goran Pazar, the eccentric man who suddenly took an interest in acting and decided to pursue his dreams in Gene Cousineau's acting class, despite the number of people who would like to see him dead. And while protecting him, Barry would discover that he loves acting as well and find new purposes to his life.</p><p>I don't know when I'll start to write it, if I'll wait to finish this installment and/or series or not, but I'm really interested in diving in this new fandom and I wondered if some of you might be interested in the idea. </p><p>That's all for my fanfiction idea xD. Thank you all for being still there after all this time. Don't forget to comment and/or leave kudos if you feel like doing it, it would mean a lot to me! </p><p>Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I managed to write the fifth chapter of this fanfic, phew. I'm exhausted, though. I'll just thank you all for your support and put the Trigger Warnings, before I'll start to fall asleep.</p><p>So, here are the Trigger warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for sexual content<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of abuse</p><p>I think that's all. Thank you and good reading c:.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That was the moment of the day Eddie preferred. When the moon was high in the night sky, and he and Richie were in their room, looking at each other, basking in the other’s presence. It was familiar. It was reassuring. That was the only stable thing that remained from what they temporarily left behind them. No Maggie, no Went, not the bathroom he was used to, not the odors he could generally smell, nothing like that. But when they were in bed, together, Eddie felt like home.</p><p>Of course, Eddie was happy to get to spend so much time with his friends. For so long, he had thought that he would never see them again. That they might have forgotten him, after all this time. But now, he finally got to enjoy their presence once more. It felt like before, when they were all teenagers, them against the rest of this cruel world. Spending time with Stanley, Ben, Bill, Bev, Mike, and Richie, away from everything… It was everything Eddie dreamed of, all of those years. And now, it was real.</p><p>But it wouldn’t last. Eddie knew it. They all had their lives to come back to, their studies, their ambitions. Who would he be to squander that, to force them to stay in this town where they couldn’t be who they wanted to be? If they all stayed there, Derry would kill them, slowly, mercilessly. It would hurt them in the way it hurt Eddie, Richie, and Mike, even though he was happy with his job.</p><p>Mike was tolerated because he could make himself <em>useful. </em> Eddie had heard people whispering horrendous things about him, words that he wouldn’t even dare to think about, just because he didn’t look exactly like the typical Derry inhabitant. Fuck them. Fuck them all. Mike was kindness incarnated, and he poured all of that into his work, making the library a safe space for whoever wanted to enter it and enjoy its content. But they’ll never appreciate it as he deserved it.</p><p>Eddie was pitied. And he hated it so much. All of their looks, their words, the way they would dumb down their speech or talk to anyone besides him, as if he couldn’t understand them… He would rather have them insult him directly and frankly. Although he didn’t like it either. Eddie thought about Bowers and grimaced. Henry Bowers and his gang never pretended to be nice to him. But their words stung, even more than their hits. Just thinking about it was enough to make his flesh crawl. </p><p>But there was something that made his blood boil, and it was how they all treated Richie. How they made him feel small, annoying, hated. The words written on the bathroom stalls at their old high school. The snickering. The insults. None of them could see how awesome Richie was, and it was plainly absurd for Eddie. No, more than that. Infuriating. And Bowers was the worst of them, being able to squander Richie’s fragile self-esteem so easily. To make him feel ashamed of who he was and how he was loving.</p><p>Eddie would lie if he pretended that he didn’t feel at least a smudge of pain whenever Richie would act, fearing that anyone could guess the nature of their relationship. How he would let go of his hand, get away from him, putting some distance between them… Eddie did his best not to show it, because he knew that it wasn’t Richie’s fault. But it still hurt.</p><p>And since he didn’t want to be angry against Richie for something he wasn’t ready to handle, then he could very well be furious against Bowers and his friends. After all, they were the ones who entertained Richie’s self-doubt, the fear he had to be rejected for who he was. Who made him so afraid to be seen as the person that he was, when Eddie could see very well how wonderful Richie was.</p><p>Derry was killing them all. And Eddie knew that they had to get away from here, sooner than later. And he wanted to, but… but it was hard. He just experienced what change could feel like, and he was barely able to handle it, even though he knew that it was only temporary, that it wouldn’t last. But what about a <em> real </em>change? Something that they couldn’t go back from? Eddie felt anxious at the simple thought, resisting the urge to scratch his skin raw as much as he could. </p><p>It would be easy to pretend that he was okay with moving out. But once it would be done, Eddie would crash. He knew it. And Richie would give up on everything they started to build. And it would be worse, because he finally got a taste of what freedom and the outside world were like, only for it to be snatched from him. Eddie had to be ready. And for that, he had to work on himself. A lot. </p><p>And he was going to do it. He was specifically going to work on that with his therapist. Eddie was decided to do so. That way, they could be happy, away from this awful town. And if Mike came with them, it would only be better. Finally, no more Loser in Derry. No more. But now wasn’t the time. At the moment, Eddie was enjoying this quiet time with Richie, bundled up under their blanket, holding his hand in his.</p><p>Eddie shyly kissed Richie on the lips, enjoying the sweet feeling. He could do that for hours. Feeling Richie’s breath on his skin, his taste on his lips, the way his cheeks would get flushed whenever they kissed… Eddie just loved it. But tonight, Eddie wanted a little more. Just a bit. And he wasn’t sure how to say it. Or what he desired precisely.</p><p>When their lips parted, Eddie sighed softly, a whine escaping his throat. He looked at Richie for a second, before looking away, and gazing once again at him, repeating this ballet enough times that Richie started to get intrigued, raising his eyebrow:</p><p>“Is everything okay, Eddie Spaghetti?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, drumming on Richie’s hand with his fingers, trying to find his words, to make sense of his thoughts. His breathing was slightly ragged, and he felt strangely hot. A tug in his heart, in his guts and… and <em>elsewhere </em>for something he couldn’t quite grasp. Richie caressed his cheek in a concerned gesture, and Eddie found himself moaning in a way he never heard himself moan. Clasping his hands over his mouth, Eddie avoided Richie’s gaze as much as possible, but Richie was still looking. And his face was definitely red.</p><p>“Eds… uh… you… you want…?”</p><p>Richie was struggling with his words as well, fiddling with his glasses, stammering and hesitating. It was almost amusing, how inexperienced and awkward they both were when it came to their love. It probably wasn’t surprising for Eddie, given how much his mom repressed him, but with how Richie always bragged about his performances and his sexual jokes… Eddie guessed that he was probably the only one, aside from Mike maybe, who knew how lost Richie was about all of this.</p><p>And it was kinda endearing. It would be something they’d both discover and tame, at the same level. Eddie appreciated the idea of not being the one guided, for once. Even though it made things difficult for both of them.</p><p>Eddie took a deep breath. He straightened up on the bed, grabbing his lightwriter. For a moment, his fingers hovered over the keys while thinking about what he wanted to say. Richie stayed silent, offering him the time he needed to arrange his thoughts in cohesive and coherent words. Eddie was thankful to him, for how understanding and patient he always was. </p><p>A shy smile on his lips, Eddie finally typed, an embarrassed whine sliding from his mouth:</p><p>“<em>I wanna try something else. More than just a kiss.” </em></p><p>Richie gulped, hearing his words. He straightened up on the bed as well, playing with Eddie’s fingers, his eyes downcast to hide how awkward he currently was. Without much success.</p><p>“M… More than a kiss? You… You mean…?”</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, precising his thought now that everything seemed a bit clearer:</p><p>“<em>Your tongue. In my mouth. I wanna feel it. </em>”</p><p>Richie seemed strangely relieved by his words. He smiled, caressing Eddie’s hair, looking more confident then he was at the beginning of this conversation:</p><p>“Oh, yeah, a french kiss. I am very <em>bon </em>with <em>le baiser</em>, my <em>cher</em> Edward!”</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes at Richie’s gratuitous french and his awful accent, but he was unable to stop himself from giggling helplessly. He sighed softly, caressing Richie’s hand with his own, using his other hand to type:</p><p>“<em>Your french sounds terrible. And I don’t speak french at all.” </em></p><p>Richie exaggeratedly gasped, putting a hand on his heart:</p><p>“I am offended, my dear<em> Monsieur</em>! You’re wounding my fragile <em>corazón</em>, I might as well put an end to my life right now. Oh, the tragedy!”</p><p>“<em> Is that even french anymore? I’m pretty sure it’s not.” </em></p><p>As a single answer, Richie winked at Eddie, before cupping his face with his hands. Eddie’s breathing got a little bit faster, his heartbeat getting more intense as well. They stayed quiet and still like this for a short while, until Richie managed to articulate:</p><p>“So… uh… I… I guess I’m going to kiss you without the tongue first. Then you can count to three in your head, and I’ll… I’ll put it in there, right?”</p><p>Eddie chuckled nervously, not knowing how to react. Trying to lighten up the mood, he typed on his lightwriter, smiling cheekily:</p><p>“<em>That sounds so romantic, when you say it like this. Put it in there.” </em></p><p>“And how exactly would you like me to say it? My dear Eddie, I would appreciate it very much if I could titillate your uvula with my muscular organ, is that what you wanted to hear?”</p><p>Eddie frowned his nose at Richie’s words, causing him to laugh at his expression. Richie ruffled his hair, resting his forehead against Eddie’s. They were so close… So fucking close. Eddie was scared, but curious at the same time. And his eagerness to discover even more of Richie was enough to make him want to overcome his fear. Inhaling deeply, Eddie finally managed to type, his face redder than ever:</p><p>“<em>I want to try it. Like you said. On three, after we started kissing.” </em></p><p>Eddie whined softly, a bit apprehensive. He raised his head towards Richie, who offered him a reassuring smile. And then, they started kissing. Eddie counted in his head, but it wasn’t enough to brace himself for the sudden wetness on his lips. He let out a distressed moan and reflexively got away from the feeling, putting his hands over his mouth. Wet, too wet. He whined again, ashamed of his own reaction. </p><p>Richie warned him, told him when it would happen. But it wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t it enough? It should be, it should be, it should be! Eddie pulled away one of his hands from his mouth, starting to hit his right temple. Richie stopped him right away, holding his hand in his, shushing him slowly:</p><p>“It’s okay, Eddie. Breathe. Nothing bad. Nothing wrong. You don’t have to like it. We don’t have to do it. It’s fine.”</p><p>But Eddie wanted to… it was just… He didn’t know. Maybe it wasn’t enough to start on three? Eddie forced himself to breathe slowly, so that he would be calm again. He curled up on himself, rocking back and forth in a soothing motion, while Richie caressed his hand. The movement allowed him to appease his thoughts, to put some order in his mind.</p><p>He needed to anticipate it. To be truly ready for it. No matter how much he wanted it, he and Richie wouldn’t be in perfect synchronization, and “on three” for Eddie wasn’t exactly the same “on three” for Richie. He needed a clearer signal. Something more solid. </p><p>“<em>I wanna try again. But I want you to tap on my right cheek with your finger before you start to pull out your tongue. I’ll get myself ready and open my mouth. Okay?” </em></p><p>Richie listened to him attentively, nodding at Eddie’s demand. It was a genuine relief, knowing that Richie wouldn’t mock him, that he wouldn’t make a joke out of his unusual request. Eddie had a different way of functioning, and he had to work with it so that they could evolve happily in their new relationship. And Richie respected it. Eddie couldn’t ask for more in his life.</p><p>“Right cheek, tapping it, putting my tongue in your mouth. Duly noted, Eddie Spaghetti. Whenever you’re ready.”</p><p>Okay. Eddie was going to do it. His first french kiss. Eddie gulped at the thought, his heart beating faster. He felt like a teenager, and he was probably not too far off the mark. That was the kind of experience he should have been able to have, years ago, if his mom didn’t force him into this life that wasn’t a life. If she didn’t make him her doll to show off to everyone else. But it wasn’t too late. He had the time to discover that. With Richie.</p><p>Eddie whined softly, took a deep breath, before putting his lips on Richie’s. For a moment, they just kissed chastely, lips against lips, the kind of kiss Eddie was used to and loved very much. Then, Richie tapped his cheek, and Eddie braced himself, parting his lips open. At first, Richie’s tongue felt like an intrusion in his mouth, and Eddie’s arms hugged his boyfriend a bit too tightly, his hands tensing on his pajamas. </p><p>Eddie whined weakly, managing to relax slowly while Richie was caressing his hair softly with one hand, being careful and slow while tipping his tongue in Eddie’s mouth. Tentatively, Eddie moved his own tongue to meet Richie’s. He shivered when it did. It was weird, of course, but it was also… something else he couldn’t quite word. </p><p>Eddie moaned, caressing Richie’s tongue with his own, gripping his partner’s clothes even more. His breathing got choppier, his body agitated with the slightest shivers, while he was getting used to this more than intense feeling in his mouth, in Richie’s mouth, in their mouths mixed. It was getting hard to tell where Eddie started and where Richie ended. Eddie got a little bit bolder and eager, so much that their teeth clinked. </p><p>Eddie’s eyes widened, and he shuddered, parting from Richie’s lips, putting his fingers on his teeth. He hummed nervously, wiping his teeth, again and again, trying to shake off the awful and almost painful feeling that his eagerness caused. Meanwhile, Richie cautiously hugged him against his chest, tightening his grip when he noticed that Eddie was leaning into him, guiding his boyfriend into rocking back and forth, so that he could focus on this soothing stimulation.</p><p>Progressively, his nervous humming died down, and Eddie managed to chase away his discomfort, resting against Richie. He sighed softly, holding Richie’s hand in his own, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I’m sorry. I liked it before our teeth clinked.” </em></p><p>“Really?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, flustered, still a bit shaken by the sensory uneasiness he just experienced. He had no idea that his teeth were so sensitive, and he definitely didn’t want to touch Richie’s ever again. Not like that. Too brutal. Too… Too weird. But the rest… Oh, god, the rest! Eddie hid his face in one hand, whining longingly and embarrassingly. It was… It was… Did he even have the words to describe it? He loved it. Loved it. Loved it. He had to tell it to Richie.</p><p>“<em>Yeah. It was awesome. I don’t know. I want to do it again. Now.” </em></p><p>“Now? You mean, now, now?”</p><p>As an answer, Eddie kissed Richie once again, not hesitating a second before sliding out his tongue, adventuring into Richie’s mouth. Richie was more than happy to let him take the wheel, hugging Eddie, squeezing his hand, struggling to get some air while still kissing his partner. Eddie started to play with his hair, tugging it slightly when Richie’s tongue twisted gently his own. Richie couldn’t stop himself from moaning at the feeling, discovering how sensitive he could be to this kind of touch. Eddie tugged again cautiously, and Richie shuddered, squeezing Eddie’s hand firmly as a reaction. </p><p>One hand in Richie’s hair, Eddie tentatively explored his partner’s face with the other, caressing his cheek, brushing his neck. His body so close to Richie’s, Eddie felt something pressing against his crotch. They parted for a second to allow themselves to breathe, and they kissed again, Eddie focusing on the feeling between his legs. He was getting more and more curious, flushed, full of a desire he couldn’t quite comprehend or control. </p><p>His hands started to get lower, progressively, slowly, until he touched <em>it,  </em>through the fabric of Richie’s pajamas. Eddie felt it twitch, and he opened his eyelids, just in time to see Richie widening his eyes, pushing Eddie away as a panicked reflex. Richie turned his back on Eddie, breathing ragged, curling up on himself. His hands instantly hid his crotch, and Eddie heard a soft sob coming from Richie.</p><p>Worried, he let out a concerned whine, only getting a multitude of “Sorry” as an answer from Richie. Not knowing what to do, Eddie tentatively put his hand on Richie’s shoulder, only for him to tense at the physical contact. Eddie stopped touching him, humming nervously, putting his fingers in his mouth to suck on them anxiously. He did something wrong. Why did he do that? Why the fuck did he do that? They should have just kissed, it was wonderful, it was amazing! Richie… Richie was upset, and it was his fault. Eddie shouldn’t have touched down there. It was dirty. His mom told him so. Dirty, dirty, dirty. </p><p>You dirty, naughty boy. Mommy told you not to touch it there. It’s wrong. It’s disgusting. Mommy is so disappointed, Eddie bear. You know how dirty it is, but you still tried to touch Richie. Look at what you’ve done! You did bad. You were bad. Mommy would have told you. Mommy would have let you know. You can’t do anything without your mommy. You can’t…</p><p>Eddie progressively heard Richie’s voice calling out to him. He blinked, coming back to reality, retching noisily over his fingers stuck too deep in his mouth. He slid them out, coughing and breathing shakily, tears on his cheeks. Richie shushed him and caressed his back gently, giving him a water bottle when Eddie’s coughing fit got better. Eddie took a long sip, sighing with relief when the water eased the pain in his throat. When it was done, he smiled clumsily at Richie, who wiped his forehead in a reflex:</p><p>“Phew, Eddie, you… Are you okay? I’m sorry, I should have talked. I was upset, I...”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He didn’t know how long he had been out of it, but it was long enough for Richie to look less flushed, although, Eddie could see it, his crotch was still showing a bit of excitement. He tilted his head on the side, intrigued by the sight. Did Richie feel good? Or bad? Was he supposed to do something to help him? Or did he want to take a shower, maybe?</p><p>Richie noticed Eddie’s gaze, and he instinctively tried to hide his crotch, his cheeks red, rambling with an awkward voice:</p><p>“I… uh… I’m not ready. I can’t. It’s… It’s too soon. I wasn’t… I didn’t think you would...”</p><p>Richie stammered for a moment, before forcing himself to be quiet, unable to utter a single cohesive sentence. As much as he tried to, Eddie couldn’t stop looking at Richie’s crotch. A part of him wanted to touch again. To understand what was in front of him in the way he always did, sensing it under his fingers, getting a feel of it. Something inside him really wanted that to happen. And there was this other part that repeated him that he was disgusting for that. That he shouldn’t touch it, no matter what. And he was definitely not supposed to touch his own dick, even though he could feel it getting itchy and weird and hot…</p><p>“Hmm… Eds? I… uh...”</p><p>Richie laughed nervously, fiddling with his glasses:</p><p>“I never thought I would get to utter this sentence in my whole life, but… uh… my eyes are up here.”</p><p>Eddie let out an embarrassed whine, and he raised his head, looking at Richie’s face. Richie, who was awfully uneasy. Because of him. Eddie bit his bottom lip, managing to type on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Sorry. Don’t know why. Feel weird.” </em></p><p>He could barely get himself to type more than a few words. It was… It was a lot. It was so much. Too much. Once again, Eddie put his fingers in his mouth and sucked on them, doing his best not to bite them, even though he really wanted to. Eddie had the feeling that he wasn’t quite able to connect his brain and to think at his full capacity. He felt… stupid. Hot. Weird. And mortified. </p><p>“It’s okay. We’ll… We’ll find our rhythm. Just… don’t touch it again, unless I explicitly tell you to do so, alright? It’s… uh… Richie Jr is sensitive, y’know?”</p><p>Richie had a forced chuckle. Eddie took the bait, trying as hard as he could to help his partner to relax, after causing him to feel so nervous and uneasy:</p><p>“<em>Richie Jr? The fuck?” </em></p><p>“Yeah, he’s like, super eager to meet Eddie Spaghetti Jr, but it’s not time yet. I just have to make him understand that, because… uh…”</p><p>His dick was still erected, forming a bulge under his pajama pants. Richie’s breathing was ragged, just like Eddie. </p><p>“I should… I should probably go to the bathroom. Beat the meat, calm it down, shut up the horny Richie that is definitely not ready for all of that. You should probably do that too. I mean, Eddie Jr seems pretty eager too.”</p><p>Eddie lowered his head, noticing that his dick was erected as well, twitching slightly. Eddie moaned uncomfortably, shifting in his position, feeling awfully awkward, but also terribly dirty. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good. He needed to take care of that. To make it disappear. To… To…</p><p>“Eds, uh… You can relax. It’s fine. It’s not… It’s not disgusting or anything like that. It’s normal. We… I...”</p><p>Richie hesitated noticeably, biting his bottom lip, tapping the mattress with his fingers. He finally whispered, unable to maintain eye contact with Eddie:</p><p>“We could… We could sit next to each other and… uh… relieve ourselves. If you know what I mean.”</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused. He wasn’t sure he truly understood, to be honest. Richie sighed, fighting against his awkwardness to tell Eddie clearly:</p><p>“We could, you know, beat the meat. Masturbate. You and me, next to each other. Not touching the other or what. You… You can look, if you want, I guess. I… uh… I don’t want you to feel like your body is dirty or what. I want you to feel safe and, and, and to appreciate the experience. It’s… uh...”</p><p>Richie tugged on his pajama pants, lowering them slightly. Eddie, who has been forced to unlearn any kind of modesty, stared unbashfully, so intensively that Richie cleared his throat, clearly embarrassed:</p><p>“Eds? Too much. I… uh… Maybe you should focus on what’s between your legs. For now.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, ceasing to look at Richie, who shyly started to touch his cock, getting used to the idea that he was doing that right next to his boyfriend. </p><p>He couldn’t get himself to do it. Whenever his hands got close to his crotch, he could hear his mother’s voice in his ears, telling him how disgusting he was, the awful illnesses he could catch, how bad of a kid he truly was. Eddie didn’t want to be bad. He was a good, nice boy. A good boy who obeyed and got his treats and…</p><p>Richie’s elongated whine interrupted Eddie’s current thoughts. He turned his head towards his boyfriend and saw how flushed he was, eyelids closed, stroking his dick quickly, intensively. Eddie felt his mouth watering at the sight and, his eyes focused on Richie, started to touch his own dick. He shivered and twitched at the feeling and how intense it was. But soon enough, he found himself stroking, stroking, stroking.</p><p>It wasn’t long before Eddie came for the first time in his life. Richie hadn’t yet finished, but Eddie was already experiencing his first orgasm, hazy gaze, eyes widened, a long moan making its way out of his throat. He arched his back, putting his hands away from his dick to dug his fingernails into the mattress, breathing shallow and irregular. And there was something… something sticky… Sperm, that was it, right? Like in the books he read in his (mediocre) sex-ed lessons, in middle school.</p><p>Eddie found himself paralyzed, his mouth opened, his thoughts confused. He felt… he felt… Dirty, whispered his mother’s voice in his ear. So, so dirty. Look at what you’ve done. Look at the mess you’ve done. You’re a pervert, Eddie bear. You’re a pervert, and you’re going to get punished for that. </p><p>But, as much as his mother was whispering directly in his mind, Eddie also felt… blissed. And, frankly, quite tired. He couldn’t find out what he was supposed to do now, stuck at the moment, stuck in all of those feelings, so much that he found himself drowning into this whole mess. His lips were still parted in a hazy expression when Richie finally came as well, his breathing hitching, his body twitching. </p><p>Richie was quicker to shake off the feeling, grabbing a tissue to clean himself, looking in Eddie’s direction without daring to look directly at him. His voice was barely audible, as if he was trying to disappear into whatever hole he had dug for himself:</p><p>“You’re okay, Eds?”</p><p>Eddie couldn’t answer. There weren’t words in his mind for now. Nothing that made sense. Cautiously, Richie started to clean him up, before realizing that it wouldn’t be enough for his boyfriend. He would get nervous, knowing he was basically sleeping in his own cum. He would get anxious, maybe to the point of a meltdown. And, even if the walls were thick enough to have masked their whines and all to the Losers in their own rooms, Richie doubted they wouldn’t hear Eddie screaming. </p><p>How to explain what set him off? “Oh, guys, it’s nothing, we just experienced collective masturbation, and Eddie’s upset because the bed is dirty and his mother made him think that everything related to sex is the worst thing in the world”, was that was he was supposed to say? Yeah, no, thanks a lot. Richie sighed, helping Eddie up, guiding him discreetly to the bathroom. </p><p>What was he thinking? Why did he even offer to do that? It was… It was… Richie didn’t like any of the words that came to his mind, thinking about all of this. He wasn’t ready. It was too early. But… But Eddie finally allowed himself to touch his cock, to experiment with his body and… and maybe it was worth it. Still. Richie felt… awful. And exhausted. He wanted to sleep it off and forget it for a little while, pretend it didn’t happen.</p><p>But first, cleaning. He and Eddie showered, Richie washing Eddie cautiously until Eddie had managed to come down of his bliss enough to do it himself. They barely looked at each other while doing so, an awkward wall built between them, something that couldn’t be seen, but that they could both feel. </p><p>They changed the sheets, and Richie curled up on the bed, right next to Eddie. He was tempted to just close his eyes and try to push all of it in the back of his mind, but Eddie was braver than him. Hugging his plush with one hand, he used the other to type on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Sorry. Thank you. Not ready to do it again. Too much.” </em></p><p>Richie felt relieved. Relieved that Eddie wasn’t angry against him, that he didn’t want them to do that again so soon, that he wasn’t trying to push him. Richie whispered, reaching out cautiously to Eddie to caress his hair:</p><p>“Don’t apologize. It’s fine. I’m not ready either. We’re just starting, we… we need to take things slowly. Kissing is fine for me. French kiss too, if it’s not too long. And no hands on the lower part of my body. And you?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, to make him know that he understood it all.</p><p>“<em>Kissing good. French kiss too, need to be warned. Touching cheek. Don’t know about my lower part. Feel weird. Good and awful at the same time.” </em></p><p>“Yeah, I get it. Kinda feel the same thing. If you’re not sure, let’s just not do it for now, okay? We’re not in a rush.”</p><p>Eddie nodded once again. He yawned for a while, his eyes blinking slowly. He tried to fight sleep, but Richie shook his head, hugging Eddie:</p><p>“Don’t. Just sleep, Eddie. Everything’s fine. I’m glad we talked. And… And that we tried these things. Even if it wasn’t all good. Thank you, Eddie.”</p><p>His only answer was a soft snore, coming out from Eddie’s lips. Richie chuckled, putting Eddie’s lightwriter on the nightstand, as well as his glasses. Okay, so… definitely a jarring experience. Not one he was ready to do again yet. But… But it was with Eddie. And Eddie… Eddie made him feel safe. Reassured. </p><p>One day, they’ll be ready. Both of them. And Richie couldn’t wait for it to happen.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I haven't written this kind of content in years. And the content I used to write when I was younger was awfully cringy. I hope I managed to get better at it. I really wanted to portray how awkward these things could be, especially on your first time and when you'll have to deal with your issues as well. Eddie and Richie's personal experiences in this fanfic wouldn't allow them to have an easy and healthy sexual life from the get-go. They're trying to go too fast, don't really know what to make of the other's reaction, have trouble putting aside their own fears and anxiety to discuss these things with their partner. </p><p>Long story short, it's complicated. But they're working on it. And they'll take their time, because they were definitely not ready yet for what they tried to do in this chapter. </p><p>I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to review and/or leave a kudos if you want to, it really means a lot to me. I'll see you as soon as possible, which might not be right away, since I have this wedding tomorrow and family stuff the day after and ugh I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed, just thinking about it. Anyway, thank you all for your support and for being there after all this time.</p><p>Take care! See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay. Welcome to the sixth chapter of this fanfic! I'm myself exhausted, but I'm keeping myself awake to type those few words and thank you all for your support, whether by your words, your kudos or the simple fact that you're still there, reading those lines. Thank you so much.</p><p>Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of homophobia<br/>TW for homophobic slurs</p><p>I think that's all. Don't hesitate to let me know if you want me to tag something else! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Richie, it’s Mom. I hope you’re doing okay. Your room is cleaned, and the window is repaired. Everything’s ready for Eddie and you to come back. We miss you. Can you call me back? I’m worried. I love you, honey. Call me, please.”</p><p>Richie sighed and let his arm fall down, his fingers tensing on his phone. It wasn’t the first voicemail his mother left for him. She also tried to reach out to Eddie, but Eddie didn’t answer either. Richie told him that it was okay if he did, but Eddie was hellbent on waiting for Richie to be ready to talk with his parents to do the same afterward. Richie knew very well how much he must be missing Went and Maggie, but Eddie was still putting him first. It was touching… and a little concerning too.</p><p>Richie felt guilty. He knew how much his partner loved his parents and had built his routine around them. He didn’t spend a day without seeing them both, especially his mother. She and Eddie were very close, so much that she was undoubtedly more of a mom for him than Sonia Kaspbrak ever had been. Eddie probably wanted to see her and talk to her, but he was holding himself back for Richie’s sake. And he shouldn’t.</p><p>But Richie wasn’t ready yet. Especially after what happened last night. Richie couldn’t stop blushing, thinking about it. The way they kissed and, more than that, how they… they… Richie took a deep breath, trying to calm his troubled heart. It had been too soon for him. He wasn’t ready, and he certainly didn’t anticipate that Eddie would be so curious and eager. If anything, he thought he would be the one to take everything too far, faster than Eddie could handle.</p><p>He underestimated Eddie and how unbashful he could sometimes be. His eyes on his body, on his dick, that stare so fucking intense… Richie felt incredibly self-conscious, thinking about it. And yet, it also felt flattering. How Eddie couldn’t stop looking at him, glancing at Richie, as if he was under the influence of the One Ring, unable to escape his power over him. Richie shivered at the thought.</p><p>He didn’t know what he would have done or said if Eddie wanted to take things to the next step right away. He couldn’t help but feel like a coward, knowing how relieved he was that Eddie told him it was too intense for him and that he needed it to be slower. It shouldn’t be like that. Richie was supposed to guide Eddie, to reassure him, to be the pillar he needed him to be in their relationship… Or maybe not.</p><p>It was so complicated. Richie had been used to be the one Eddie could rely on most of the time, but these last days, Eddie had been his rock, and it made him feel nervous. His partner was already dealing with so much trauma and underlying issues, why should he have to carry his weight as well? Richie sighed once again, looking through his bedroom’s window.</p><p>Eddie was still sleeping for now, but Richie had been too agitated to stay in bed with him. But he didn’t want to leave the room yet either. He just… He needed to think. He couldn’t stop hearing Eddie’s soft whines, seeing the ecstatic expression on his face, experimenting truly for the first time what it was like to pleasure himself. He came quickly, and he was so dazed that Richie basically had to walk him to the bathroom and wash him thoroughly. Eddie was so sensitive, it was almost overwhelming to think about it.</p><p>Richie didn’t want to hurt him. Or to risk to touch him in a way that would be way too much for Eddie. Would he be able to communicate clearly what he was feeling? Would Richie be lucid enough to manage to listen to his partner properly? He didn’t want to fuck it all up, because he was too much in the moment to realize that Eddie was doubting or hurting. Richie fiddled nervously with his glasses, his mind full of questions he had no answer to. Now that they were together, in this new relationship, he had so many things to anticipate and to think about…</p><p>Richie jumped, startled, when two arms hugged him from behind, but he relaxed quickly, letting himself melt in Eddie’s hug. Eddie whined sleepily, resting his head against Richie’s back. Richie caressed his hands gently, a smile on his lips:</p><p>“Hello, kitten.”</p><p>Eddie moaned as an answer, hugging Richie even tighter. On the tip of his toes, he kissed Richie on his head, rubbing his face against his body. He was happily humming while doing so, causing Richie to laugh tenderly:</p><p>“You seem in a good mood today, Eds. Is it going to be like that whenever you put your hands on Eddie Kaspbrak Jr? Because trust me, I’m not going to complain if that’s the case.”</p><p>Eddie groaned at his words and stopped hugging him. Richie chuckled, turning his body and facing Eddie, who had a pouty expression on his face. Richie ruffled his hair, a smile on his lips:</p><p>“Come on, don’t stop what you were doing. You’re so cute when you do this kind of thing, Eddie Spaghetti. I love it.”</p><p>Richie kissed Eddie on the forehead, hugging him in a gesture full of affection. God, he truly loved him so much. It was almost overwhelming. Richie felt heavy and floating at the same time, full of contradictions and paradoxes that he couldn’t quite handle for now. It was new. Everything was new. He just needed to get used to it. If only he didn’t have everything else to worry about…</p><p>“<em>Who was it on the phone?” </em></p><p>Eddie had taken his lightwriter, typing slowly on it, still too sleepy to be as quick as he usually was with the device. Richie raised an eyebrow, shrugging with what he hoped seemed like a chill expression on his face:</p><p>“I thought you were asleep. It was nothing, just mom. She left a voicemail, she wanted to be sure everything was okay.”</p><p>“<em>And is everything okay?” </em></p><p>Richie thought that Eddie would ask him if he wanted to talk to his parents, why he wasn’t ready yet to do so, but he wasn’t expecting him to voice his concern like that. Caught off guard, Richie stammered an answer, clearly far from the reassuring words he would have liked to produce:</p><p>“Uh… yeah… I guess? I mean, I’m fine, I’m super, mega fine. Totally okay.”</p><p>Richie chuckled nervously, knowing immediately that Eddie wouldn’t be fooled. And he was right. Tilting his head to the side, Eddie looked at him with a raised eyebrow and his lips pursed, expressing what the robotic voice from his lightwriter couldn’t emote:</p><p>“<em>I don’t like it when you’re lying to me, Richie. I can’t always see it and when I can, it hurts.” </em></p><p>Richie bit his bottom lip, eyes downcast, feeling ashamed under Eddie’s intense stare. Twisting his fingers painfully, he rambled, not thinking much about his words:</p><p>“I’m sorry, Eds, I know that you don’t like it. I just don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to worry about me either. I… uh… It’s fine. I swear.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He caressed Richie’s hair, before cupping his cheek in his hand, smiling clumsily:</p><p>“<em>I’m always worried when I feel you don’t want to tell me certain things, Richie. I want to be there for you.” </em></p><p>“You are, Eddie! You are there for me. I… I just feel like I should be there for you more, you know? I… I thought I would be the one to help you figure it all out, but I’m lost and… I don’t know. It’s… ugh. I don’t even have the words for it.”</p><p>Richie hid his face behind his hands, but Eddie invited him gently to stop doing so. Richie couldn’t believe how patient he was with him. Did he really deserve this kindness? This devotion? Richie didn’t feel like he did.</p><p>“<em>Together. We’ll figure it out together. Our relationship, Bowers, your parents. Together. Not just you protecting me. You and me, together.” </em></p><p>Eddie signed this last word, “together”, with an extremely serious expression on his face. He meant it. Even though he was still far from being fluent in ASL, Eddie had taken the habit of using it whenever he wanted his words to have a weight, a particular significance. That’s why he signed to Richie that he loved him, whenever he felt like doing so. Richie appreciated more and more every single time.</p><p>Richie wanted to protest. To tell Eddie that it was okay, that he was handling it, that he didn’t need to be so strong for him. But he couldn’t answer that, not when Eddie was giving him this look, full of intensity, love, and determination. Richie sighed, a shy smile on his lips:</p><p>“What did I do to deserve you, Eddie Kaspbrak?”</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes at Richie’s question, flicking him on the forehead before yawning for a while, still sleepy. Richie laughed, ruffling Eddie’s hair:</p><p>“Okay, let’s start the day properly. Bathroom, then breakfast. It’s early, everyone is probably still asleep for now.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, following Richie to the bathroom. They had placated a paper on the door, Eddie putting a mark on it whenever he had finished taking his shower. He was always the first to use it, so that they would avoid stressing him out any further by depriving him of what was left of his routine. Richie was thankful to their friends for agreeing immediately to accommodate Eddie and his needs. They were so lucky to be part of the Losers…</p><p>Richie was about to sit on the floor as he always did, waiting for Eddie to be finished, when his partner stopped him, letting out a needy whine. Richie raised an eyebrow, confused.</p><p>“Are you okay, Eds? Do you think you need my help? You seem fine, maybe you should...”</p><p>“<em>Can we shower together?” </em></p><p>Richie had stopped his rambling right when Eddie’s lightwriter uttered those words. A hot and weird feeling invaded him, while Eddie was looking at him with his big, brown eyes, a stare that meant a soft “please”, a blatant begging.</p><p>It wouldn’t be the first time they showered together, far from it. But Eddie was mostly out of it, and Richie was only taking care of him whenever it happened. Here, it would be… different. Eddie would touch him as well. Everywhere. And he would get a good look at him, something he didn’t quite get in their bedroom last night. This idea made Richie felt awfully vulnerable, so much that he started to stammer:</p><p>“I… I don’t know, I...”</p><p>Maybe he should just say yes? It was obvious Eddie really wanted it. Besides, they were in love, right? It was normal, right? Richie tried to convince himself, but he was still scared, and he couldn’t utter the “yes” that Eddie was probably hoping. Richie nodded silently, putting his hands on his own clothes, but Eddie stopped him, kissing his fingers before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Someone wise told me not to do something if I wasn’t sure I wanted it. I’m just asking, you don’t have to say yes to make me happy. You shouldn’t actually, because it would be a lie and I hate lies. Do you want to do it or not, Richie?” </em></p><p>Eddie whined gently, to show him that he was not angry nor upset, caressing Richie’s flushed face. Richie hesitated for a second, feeling a bit self-conscious from the fact that he was so intimidated by all of those things that Eddie seemed okay with. But he finally answered, fiddling with his glasses:</p><p>“I’m sorry. I don’t want to yet. I… I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I’m… uh… I don’t know. I’m scared, I think. It’s… It’s stupid, right?”</p><p>Eddie pouted at his words, shaking his head insistently:</p><p>“<em>Not stupid. You’re not stupid, and I love you. I’ll wait for you to be ready for this kind of thing. You said it yourself, there’s no rush. In the meanwhile...” </em></p><p>Eddie had stopped writing, his fingers hovering over the keys, clearly hesitating. He finally added, before putting his device aside and unbuttoning his shirt slowly:</p><p>“<em>You can watch if you want.” </em></p><p>Eddie wasn’t modest. He wasn’t trying to look sexy or anything like that. Richie had always been the one who averted his eyes, who forbid himself from looking as much as possible, because he thought Eddie deserved better than a perverted friend. But Eddie was his partner now, and he explicitly told him that he could watch.</p><p>And Richie did. He watched Eddie taking off his clothes, slowly, cautiously, a bit clumsily. Eddie was too focused on his task to allow himself to look at Richie, but Richie was clearly staring, his cheeks red, his heart beating way too fast for it to be healthy. He couldn’t believe that he was allowed to look at Eddie’s body. To see his soft skin that Richie dreamed of kissing endlessly, his chest rising slowly to the regular rhythm of his breathing, his delicate legs that seemed strangely long, despite Eddie being so small.</p><p>More than Eddie’s body, though, it was his face that Richie really loved looking at. His freckles, the way he would scrunch up his nose while he was focusing on his task, his messy brown hair, slightly damp with sweat… But Richie could see Eddie’s face whenever he felt like it. But what Eddie was revealing to him, though… Richie allowed himself a good look, and he felt all tingly, his breathing getting ragged.</p><p>Compared to the models in his magazines, Eddie was clearly average, but Richie couldn’t care less about his porn stash when Eddie was <em>there </em> , revealing himself to him obviously, clearly and voluntarily. When Eddie turned his back on him to head to the shower, Richie got a good look at his ass and felt his throat getting strangely dry, millions of visions crossing his mind. He saw himself grabbing the soft skin, pinching it gently, fondling it, hearing Eddie whine just like he did the night before…</p><p>Richie wasn’t surprised at all when he noticed how excited he was, his dick forming a bulge under his pajama pants. He breathed as slowly as he could, trying to calm his excitement and how horny he was. Geez, he felt like a fucking teenager… But, but, but Eddie’s ass…</p><p>Richie swallowed his saliva, holding back the high-pitched, needy whine that wanted to come out of his throat. Why was his body so eager when his mind kept holding him back? It would be easier if both of them could just accord with each other, but it wasn’t the case, and it left Richie profoundly confused. Did he want to do it or not? His body was saying yes, but his mind was screaming no, in ways less than pleasant.</p><p>Richie curled up on the floor, hiding his face behind his hands, trying not to think about the aching need he felt to put his fingers on his crotch and massage his erect cock. But when he wasn’t thinking about it, he was seeing Bowers, hearing his words, his insults towards him. He could also see his father and how disappointed he would be if he knew his son was a f… a fag…</p><p>Richie bit on his fingernails at the thought. He didn’t want to lose those he cared so much about. But if they weren’t able to like him for who he was, then did they ever truly loved him? Mike and Eddie were the only ones he was sure about. Liz too, but she didn’t really count, she already knew that he was not straight before even talking to him.</p><p>But the others, the Losers, his parents… How would they react? Would they hate him, think that there was nothing worth loving about him? That they shouldn’t make an effort, since he was clearly doing everything he could to set himself apart? Wasn’t it enough, being naturally unbearable? Why did he felt the need to add all of that on top of it? Why was he so… disgusting?</p><p>Richie didn’t know. He was tired of these thoughts, tired of his doubts, but he couldn’t shake it off. They were still there, as powerful than ever. But while Richie was usually alone to deal with them, it wasn’t the case right now. A wet hand caressed his hair, and Richie raised his head, looking at Eddie, who moaned gently to catch his attention. He was now dressed and clean, ready to head out for breakfast. But Richie clearly wasn’t prepared, between his mind full of self-doubt and anxiety, and his body which was about to explode from the sights he had just witnessed.</p><p>Eddie signed briefly, focusing on getting the words right:</p><p>
  <em> You okay? </em>
</p><p>Richie shook his head. Eddie wanted him to be truthful, and he was trying to be. Even though it was difficult to be sincere, when it meant that he was allowing Eddie to see how vulnerable he could be:</p><p>“I’m… I need some alone time. I’m sorry, Eds, the day barely started, and I already ruined the mood. I...”</p><p>Eddie put his index finger on Richie’s lips to shush him, frowning his eyebrows. He grabbed his lightwriter, typing quickly and almost furiously:</p><p>“<em>Stop saying sorry. You don’t have to be sorry, because I’m not angry. I’m happy that you’re trusting me and telling me the truth, no matter what it is. Don’t apologize for saying what you want to say.” </em></p><p>Eddie whined sadly, cupping Richie’s face briefly, hugging him with one arm:</p><p>“<em>You spent the last months telling me that I should feel free to make my own choices and to own them. That I didn’t have to let anyone tell me what to do, nor to obey them if I didn’t feel like it. Now, I’m telling you the same, Richie. I don’t want you to pretend to be ready if you’re not. I’m still figuring it out too, okay? I don’t know when it’s too much or when I’m getting overwhelmed. I need it slow too, alright?” </em></p><p>Richie remembered once again how dazed Eddie was after his first orgasm. He doubted his partner was able to emit a single coherent thought at the moment, lips parted in an ecstatic and confused expression, lower body covered with his own cum that he couldn’t even clean himself. Eddie didn’t know he would end up like this. He didn’t notice how intense it was for him until it was too late, and he was already overwhelmed.</p><p>Richie felt too cautious and slow, but maybe it was what Eddie needed of him. Someone to balance his impulses, to help him to take things progressively, so that it wouldn’t be too much too soon. Richie couldn’t imagine what it would be like, if Eddie had a partner that didn’t care as much as he did.</p><p>Someone who would carelessly lead Eddie to experiment things he wasn’t quite ready to go through, not caring if Eddie was getting overstimulated, getting upset if Eddie was having a meltdown or a shutdown when it seemed like he asked for <em>it.  </em>Who would understand Eddie’s difficulties? Who would be aware of Eddie’s underlying trauma, how his mother tainted for him what should have been something he could have experienced safely during his youth?</p><p>Eddie could barely touch his own dick without sliding back into the role his mother forced him into. He needed Richie to ground him, and Richie needed Eddie to understand him. To be patient with him. And that’s what they were both trying to do, even though it was quite a struggle, even though they both had their issues with communication.</p><p>Richie felt ashamed whenever he had to admit he was vulnerable, on top of his whole “internalized homophobia” problem, and Eddie’s disability made the entire process of communicating difficult. Not just talking audibly, but being able to analyze his thoughts and feelings, understand them, and put words on them… It wasn’t easy. And it was even more difficult with something he had so little experience with…</p><p>But they still tried. And for now, it worked. Despite their struggles, they were more in love with each other every day passing by. Richie’s feelings towards Eddie kept growing, growing, growing so much that he felt like he was about to explode. As for Eddie, his eagerness and his words were clearly expressing his affection, although maybe a bit clumsily. Richie liked it, how imperfect and awkward it was. It was <em>them. </em>Loud, obnoxious, weird, unique. This relationship, it was them, and Richie loved it so much. If only they could be allowed to experiment it more freely…</p><p>Richie knew that they would have to go back into hiding as soon as they’ll join the others. To pretend they were friends when they were something else, a relationship taboo, rejected by so many people. Bowers first. His words kept repeating in his head whenever Richie thought about it. But he didn’t want to think about Henry Bowers. He wanted to think about Eddie and how awesome he was.</p><p>Eddie kissed Richie on the nose, letting him know that he was going downstairs for breakfast and waiting on him. As soon as he closed the door, Richie undressed and hopped in the shower, stroking his throbbing dick with one hand, using the other to lean against the shower cabin. He bit back a moan, his mind filled with images featuring Eddie, Eddie’s naked body, Eddie caressing his own cock, Eddie moaning, Eddie smiling. Simply put, Eddie being Eddie.</p><p>Richie came with a low-pitched humming, his breathing ragged. He finished washing himself, trying not to listen to the awful voices in his head, reminding him how dirty he was. They were wrong. They were wrong. They were wrong. He repeated it, again and again, trying to convince himself. After all, he was thinking about Eddie when it happened. And Eddie wasn’t disgusting, far from it. He was the most beautiful person Richie ever came across, from the inside or the outside. He was his love, and Richie wasn’t ashamed of him. But he was still ashamed of himself, no matter how hard he tried not to.</p><p>Sighing, he put his clothes back on, heading out of the bathroom. His cellphone vibrated, causing Richie to jump. He took it, curious, feeling his heart skip a beat when he read the message displayed on the screen:</p><p>
  <em> Miss you, son. I hope you’re okay. Dad. </em>
</p><p>His father had never been very good with words, but he tried. And he was actually reaching out to him, when his mother was usually the one who handled this kind of thing. Richie bit his bottom lip, trying to convince himself to call back. To tell them everything and handle what would happen. They were his parents. They would love him no matter what, right? Right?</p><p>But he couldn’t. His finger hovered over the button, but he didn’t manage to press it. Hearing his parents’ voice, he couldn’t handle it right now. Richie would bawl, for sure. And he didn’t want to worry his parents even more. Or Eddie. Sighing, he patted his face, taking a deep breath before joining Eddie downstairs.</p><p>Everyone was still asleep. Eddie had prepared Richie’s breakfast and his as well, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to eat and drink without him. When Richie arrived, he immediately noticed Eddie’s nervous pacing around the room, trying to wait patiently for his boyfriend to arrive. Hugging Eddie tenderly, he whispered to his ear:</p><p>“Thank you for waiting, Eddie. But you won’t have to, next time.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I want to. Breakfast without you is not breakfast. It’s sad.” </em></p><p>Richie chuckled at his words. He was about to kiss him when he heard footsteps approaching. He stepped away from Eddie, sitting on his chair, saluting Bev when she arrived, still sleepy. She yawned while wishing them good morning, sitting ungracefully on her chair:</p><p>“Ben’s in the bathroom. ‘Join us in a few minutes.”</p><p>She started to drink her coffee, and Eddie and Richie did the same. Feeling self-conscious about how he just pushed back Eddie, Richie reached for his hand under the table and squeezed it softly, relieved when Eddie answered back, squeezing his hand as well. He was so lucky to have someone so understanding, so kind, so patient. But… But he couldn’t force him to lie eternally. Especially to their friends.</p><p>Richie knew how much Eddie hated to lie and, even if he wasn’t uttering the words “I’m not in love with Richie”, he was still forced to hide the truth in some way. And, Richie could clearly see it, it was slowly taking its toll on him. The way Eddie’s fingers would twitch hesitantly, how he kept getting closer and getting away from him every two seconds whenever they were standing close, how he hesitated, hovering his index finger over his “I love you” key on his lightwriter when he felt like saying it to Richie, which was actually quite often…</p><p>Eddie needed to be able to live truthfully, even if it wasn’t permanent, even if it was just with their friends. And… And maybe Richie should be strong about that. It wasn’t sexual, it wasn’t intimate, it was just… just admitting to his friends the most shameful secret he ever had, this part of his life that he never quite dared to share with anyone else. He didn’t reveal his sexuality on purpose to Mike, and Eddie had been the one to take the first step. He only talked about this topic voluntarily in a more or less safe space, with people who already knew about it, and he didn’t have to fear the reaction.</p><p>Richie felt like he was standing over a cliff, just like they were a few days ago. That time, he had been the one to give Eddie the courage to jump. Maybe he was the one that had to be inspired now… For Eddie. For Eddie. For Eddie. When the other Losers came downstairs as well, and they agreed on a visit to the clubhouse, Richie knew that he had the perfect opportunity to pour his heart out.</p><p>The clubhouse had always been their refuge, the place they were the only ones to know about. He felt safe, protected, loved down there. If there was somewhere Richie wanted to be to talk about his feelings, it was there. But could he really do it? Was he ready? As they were preparing themselves for this trip, Richie was unable to formulate a clear answer to all of these questions. He knew just one thing: Eddie was there. And made him feel stronger. Something he definitely needed, right now...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, Richie is learning to accept the fact that he might need more time than Eddie to be ready about a lot of things and it's not easy. He's so used to be the one Eddie's counting onto that having to be the one to share his worries and his difficulties is quite complicated. He has to be vulnerable and it's not his forte. Thankfully, Eddie's there for him. And his friends too. Is he gonna be ready to tell them everything? Suspens x).</p><p>Thank you all for reading. Don't hesitate to leave kudos and/or comments, I'd love to read what you thought about this chapter and how you think things are going to happen in the next chapters ;). Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone! I hope you're doing okay. I'm finally back home, just in time for the seventh chapter! I hope you'll like it c:.<br/>Thank you all for your support and thank to those of you who took the time to comment. It's really the most obvious I can know if you like this story or not and your words mean a lot to me. So don't hesitate to comment, even if it's just to say a few things, I'll answer to you as soon as possible.</p><p>With that said, here are the trigger warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for homophobic slur<br/>TW for ableist slur<br/>TW for r-word<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for mention of abuse<br/>TW for mention of emetophobia</p><p>I think that's all c:. Don't hesitate to let me know if you want me to tag something. Thank you and good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie took a deep breath, clutching to Richie's arm. It was cold out there. Eddie was fully dressed for the weather, but he still felt it, assaulting its body, making him shiver slightly. But that wasn't why he was so eager to grab Richie, make him feel that he was there with him. No, it was because Richie needed it. He clearly needed it.</p><p>Just before they left, while they were dressing up to go outside with the others, Richie told him that he was planning on telling the Losers about their relationship. And that he needed to do it himself, even if he found himself unable to speak his mind, once they'll be at the clubhouse. Eddie wasn't always very perceptive, but he could easily see how tense Richie was, hiding his nervousness behind a smile and his jokes, swinging anxiously the bat that he was holding in his other hand.</p><p>Richie had gotten a few looks from his peers when he decided to bring Beverly's old bat with him, but none of them tried to dissuade him. On the contrary, Stan even nodded, which was not surprising, considering he had been the one suggesting not so jokingly to bash Bowers' head whenever possible. Eddie didn't really know what to think about it. He was just hoping they wouldn't have to use it. As far as they know, Bowers never really hung around the clubhouse, which made it a safe place for them, but they couldn't be sure.</p><p>Eddie squeezed Richie's hand, who pressed his back and offered him a weak smile. If only Eddie could make it easier for him… When Richie told him that Eddie shouldn't talk for him, he didn't quite understand why. He always trusted Richie to say things when he couldn't get his point across, when it was getting difficult for him to communicate in a way other people could understand.</p><p>But this was personal, Richie told him. That was his issue, and he needed to be the one to solve it. If Eddie intervened and came out for the both of them, Richie would always remember this moment as the instant when he didn't manage to talk. He wouldn't be able to go back and be the one to come out. This moment would be taken away from him, and he needed it to be his. So, Eddie wouldn't intervene. He didn't fully understand, but Richie trusted him, and Eddie wasn't about to betray him, even if that would mean the secret was finally out.</p><p>For Eddie, it would be ridiculously easy. <em>Richie and I are dating. </em>He wouldn't hesitate or fumble on his words, because that was only the truth, and he didn't see what was wrong with it. He knew theoretically that some people were bigoted and wouldn't accept his relationship with Richie, people like Bowers or his mother. But the Losers were their friends. Surely, they wouldn't mind, right?</p><p>But Eddie remembered Went's words and how much they hurt Richie, even if he didn't mean to. It wasn't as simple as that, unfortunately. Maybe one of them could say something like that as well. He couldn't imagine any of the Losers reacting strongly or outright rejecting Richie and himself for their love. It just didn't sit right in his mind. But it was Richie's issue, Richie's troubles, and Eddie could only be there for him and hope for the best.</p><p>Ben was the one who first found the entry to the clubhouse. He opened the latch, inviting Beverly to descend first:</p><p>"After you, my dear."</p><p>Coming from Richie, Eddie would have known immediately that he was joking. But Ben was really like that, all sweet and syrupy, as if he was a lovestruck knight taken away from his medieval legend. Bev had laughed at his words and whispered something to his ear that made him blush awfully. He stammered out loud, flailing his hands with embarrassment:</p><p>"N… No, you can go first, I'm not going to… to go down the ladder first to get a good look at you, it's… I'm… it's not..."</p><p>"Ben, Ben, I'm joking. I'm going first, okay, Benny? You're too sweet."</p><p>She kissed him on the cheek and went down the ladder. Ben followed after, still red and awkward, and after a short while, they were all down there, in this chilly refuge that was theirs. The clubhouse. Eddie felt his breathing getting stuck in his throat, looking at his surroundings. His fingertips caressed the walls, the hammock, the ropes of the swing, while everyone else was taking possession of the place, reminding themselves the good times.</p><p>Eddie barely remembered the first time he came down there. He was as high as a kite, after having carelessly decided to smoke on Beverly's joint, just because he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn't fragile. He smiled at the thought, sighing softly. He could be such an impulsive kid, sometimes, despite his mother's education. Or maybe it was because of it. Most of the reckless things Eddie ever did was a way for him to detach himself from the fragile kid his mom wanted him to be. Because Eddie wasn't fragile. And he wasn't his mother's doll.</p><p>He did remember the other times he went to the clubhouse. How he would lay on the hammock with Richie, both reading comics and bickering wildly, so much that they would tire everyone else. Eddie brushed his throat, thinking back to the time when he could actually keep up with Richie's motormouth.</p><p>His device made it easier, but he would lie if he said that he didn't miss being verbal in the slightest. Eddie didn't know when was the last time he articulated a word correctly. Oh, he clearly remembered when was the last time he tried to talk, how could he forget his attempt at begging Bowers to leave Richie alone? But enunciating a word properly, forming an understandable sentence with his vocal cords… Eddie was a bit shocked to realize that he didn't actually remember it.</p><p>Maybe it was a good thing? He was so used to his current way of communicating that he left the old one behind entirely. To be honest, as long as his friends, family, and Richie were okay with the way he was expressing himself, Eddie would be fine as well. He was getting more and more at ease with his lightwriter, still learning his ASL, and he was working on putting emotions in his voice whenever he felt like vocalizing, whether by whining or groaning. None of the people that mattered to him tried to push him needlessly to be verbal, so Eddie focused on things that actually made him happy.</p><p>Still… Sometimes, he would just like to launch himself into one of his rants, just to see Richie look at him with his loving eyes, barely listening to what he was actually saying. But Richie always gave him this kind of stare, no matter what Eddie was doing. And as much as it could be embarrassing, Eddie really liked it too. </p><p>Eddie wasn't paying attention to the other Losers at the moment, to the way Stan recalled to Patty his childhood, since she never came to this place before. Eddie was actually taken away by his mind to explore his memories. He barely noticed the way Richie caressed his cheek or heard the conversations his friends were holding. Sitting on the swing, he suddenly remembered the last time he went there. The last time he saw his friends, before his mom took him away… </p><p>Eddie clutched the swing's ropes, a low humming sound making its way out of his throat. He remembered the way they sat him down to tell him that his meds were fake. That his mom lied to him all this time to keep him under her thumb. And he didn't believe them. He didn't believe them because they talked about his mommy, and his mommy was always trying to do what was best for him. How could he be so ungrateful? She sacrificed so much of her life for <em> him.  </em>Because he needed her. Because he couldn't do a single thing without her. Mommy… He needed his mommy. And she wasn't there anymore. She was dead, and it was because of him. She… He…</p><p>Eddie struggled when he felt arms closing around him, taking him away from the swing and hugging him tightly. He couldn't understand what they were all saying, words that didn't make sense in his brain at the moment, because Eddie was stupid, because he needed his mommy, because she was the one who helped him for every step he needed to make. He whined for her, calling out to his mommy without being able to utter the words, only letting out a long "Mo" full of desperation. She would know what to do. She always knew what to do with him. Because he… Because he was…</p><p>Eddie suddenly found himself lying on the hammock, who was swinging slowly. Richie was caressing his hair with one hand, using the other to push the hammock. He was saying things, things that Eddie couldn't understand. His confused brain let him know that he was supposed to do something whenever words weren't making sense. He pushed a button reflexively on his lightwriter, the robotic voice informing Richie and the Losers:</p><p>"<em>I can't understand words." </em></p><p>That was something Eddie immediately learned how to say, because he needed to be able to signal whenever communication was out of his grasp. He couldn't talk, and he couldn't understand people's words. With a push of a button, Eddie was able to say so, so that people around him would stop talking to him needlessly and overloading his senses. Richie understood and shut his mouth, caring for Eddie patiently.</p><p>The motion of the hammock and Richie's tender touch helped Eddie to progressively come out of his tormented mindset. It was disturbing to realize how easily he could slip back into his traumatized shell, how quickly his brain was able to convince him that he was still his mom's Eddie Bear and that he couldn't survive without her. All he needed was a little push… Even though he clearly progressed, Eddie was far from being liberated from his past. He needed to talk about that to his therapist. God, he had so many things to tell to Dr. Park, since the last time he saw her…</p><p>But first, he needed to focus on the present. The Losers were talking with each other, with a hushed voice so that they wouldn't hurt Eddie's sensitive hearing. Slowly, their words started to make sense again, just in time for Eddie to catch up to Stanley and hear him reassuring Patty.</p><p>"… It happens, we just have to let him the time to..."</p><p>Eddie whined softly, to catch Richie's attention and make them all understand that he was back. Richie caressed his cheek gently, a tender smile on his lips:</p><p>"Hey, Eds. Back with us?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, rubbing his eyes. He straightened up on the hammock, putting his feet on the ground. He always felt a bit out of it whenever he experienced those crises, even if they were short and quick like this one. His lips were slightly parted, and he was having a hard time focusing, typing slowly on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>Sorry. Remembered last time I was here. Screamed at you all. </em>"</p><p>"Don't apo… apo… You don't have to say so-o-orry."</p><p>Bill took a deep breath, visibly emotional over the whole thing. He muttered one of the sentences he used to repeat again and again to train himself out of his stuttering, Eddie hearing something about ghosts and posts. Once he was calmer, Bill managed to articulate, getting closer to Eddie and Richie:</p><p>"We should have known that your last memory of this place wasn't… wasn't the best. Do you want to leave?"</p><p>Eddie shook his head, whining protestingly. He didn't want to leave. Not yet. Richie hadn't talked yet, and Eddie didn't want to take this opportunity away from him because of his own issues. Whether Richie decided to share his secret or not would only depend on him and not on Eddie's state of mind. They didn't have much time left to share with the Losers before they would all go back to their lives, so it was basically now or never. This place had always felt safe and secure for Richie. If there were a place and a time for him to allow himself to be vulnerable, it was here and now.</p><p>Eddie would bear it all a little longer. For Richie's sake. His partner sat next to Eddie, offering him to rest his head on his knees, a smile on his lips. Eddie agreed immediately, sighing happily when Richie started to caress his hair. He closed his eyes for a second, feeling so good and loved that he could actually purr. He was so lucky to have Richie as a boyfriend, to have the Losers as his friends. They were all so understanding and patient with him, accepting his difficulties and accommodating them as much as possible.</p><p>Even Patty, who just met him, was so nice and comprehensive, not looking at him as if he was a freak show, never pitying him ever. She wasn't dumbing down her words for him, something most people tended to do as soon as they realized that he was disabled. It was even worse when they witnessed his meltdowns, the way Eddie would scream and hurt himself involuntarily. They never tried to get it. To understand why he acted the way he did. That would imply that Eddie could think for himself and perceive the world around him, and they couldn't accept it.</p><p>But that's not how his friends, how his family, how Richie saw him. They knew that he was more than the violent expression of his issues and his trauma, that he was thinking for himself and wanted to communicate and take part in this world that constantly rejected him. They knew that, and they helped him to do so, while still allowing him to retain his independence. Eddie would never be able to thank them as much as they deserved it.</p><p>Sliding his fingers between his lips, Eddie sucked on them, listening distractedly to his friends, appreciating Richie's hand in hair, on his cheek, on his skin. They all seemed so happy to be down there… For them, the clubhouse wasn't carrying this heavy meaning. It was the place they used to go whenever they needed to get away from the world and the people who hurt them. They all found comfort in there, a safe space where no one could find them.</p><p>Including Patty, they started to share their memories of this place. How Stanley would sit on the swing and recite the content of his favorite ornithology book whenever the pressure that his father inflicted on him was too much to bear. How Ben would take refuge there to write his poems and be sure that his notebook wouldn't be taken away from him or ripped apart, as it happened way too often when he was in school.</p><p>He managed to find one of them hidden under a plank of wood, opening it and sharing its content with Beverly, still too shy to dare reading them out loud to anyone. Beverly mouthed the words silently, before raising her head to look at Ben and cupping his face to kiss him tenderly. Eddie could only dream of doing the same with Richie, of being able to express his love as openly as Beverly and Ben or Stanley and Patty were. But it was Richie's choice. And Eddie wouldn't force him to be open if he didn't feel ready for it.</p><p>Mike also went there whenever he wanted to get away from his grandparents' farm or to forget for a while about the prejudices he was suffering from. People's words and actions towards him stung, but here, there was no one to judge him based on the color of his skin. He could be himself, without having to fear that some people might think that he was too "noticeable" or anything like that. Here, he was safe.</p><p>Bill came here as well when his parents were too much on his back, when they didn't allow him to grieve properly for his brother. He would spend hours in the clubhouse, folding paper boats, again and again, begging Georgie for forgiveness. If he just didn't pretend that he was sick, if he didn't make him afraid to tell him that his boat was down the sewers, George wouldn't have tried to get the ridiculous thing. He wouldn't have drowned all alone, where no one could hear him, where no one could save him. That was how Bill tried to cope with his grief and guilt, since he couldn't do so at home.</p><p>And Richie… Richie considered the clubhouse as his refuge too. Whenever Bowers would hurt him, whether by his words or his hits, he would come there and dream of a better tomorrow.</p><p>"I used to rest on the hammock for hours, imagining tons and tons of scenarios which usually ended with Bowers' head on a pike or something like that. It's still pleasing to picture that, honestly. I could grab him by his stupid mullet and perch him on the pike…"</p><p>Richie chuckled at the thought. He fiddled with his glasses, muttering awkwardly:</p><p>"I… uh… I also came down there when I… I needed to… When I was… When I felt like..."</p><p>He was trying to say it. He was really trying. But he couldn't get himself to do it. The words were stuck. Eddie knew this feeling way too much. He left his previous position, straightening up and holding Richie's hand in his, letting out an encouraging whine. Richie took a deep breath, parted his lips and… gave up.</p><p>"Never mind. It's nothing, don't worry."</p><p>The Losers didn't press him any further. They never did. They were always ready to listen to each other whenever needed, but they knew better than to force anyone to talk. Even when Richie used to insist that Bill shared his grief or that Stanley spoke about his issues, he always backed off when they made it clear that they didn't want to talk. Not yet.</p><p>That's what allowed them to feel safe to share whenever they were ready to do so. Just like Bev did when she talked about his father or when Bill confessed why he was feeling so guilty towards his brother's death. They both knew that their friends would listen and that they would be there to support them. That they wouldn't judge them for what was tormenting them so much, no matter what. In the safety of the clubhouse, they talked. Shared. Cried. Screamed.</p><p>It wasn't like that for Eddie. But he understood. His safe place was Richie's arms. Whenever Richie was hugging him, he felt like no one, and nothing could ever hurt him. He was able to talk about his feelings, admit his difficulties, and allow himself to be openly vulnerable. Richie's arms were his clubhouse.</p><p>He was playing gently with Richie's fingers when his partner said out loud, interrupting everyone's mindless chattering:</p><p>"I need to show you something. I… uh… Can you follow me outside?"</p><p>They looked at each other and, without any hesitation, they all nodded. Richie smiled, a shy smile that was so different from the bold expression he was usually sporting. None of them assumed he was joking or trying to make a fool out of them. Even though Richie often went too far, the Losers always knew when he was being serious. When he needed them to take him seriously. Now was this moment.</p><p>Getting up and helping Eddie on his feet, he whispered to his ear:</p><p>"It's for you too. I never showed it to you, but it's important."</p><p>Eddie nodded, raising an eyebrow in a curious expression. What did Richie want him to see so much? He didn't know, but he was now getting impatient. While Richie grabbed his bat, he climbed up the ladder, followed by everyone else. They all scratched their head with a grimace, Stanley mumbling that he should have thought about giving them the shower caps he brought years ago, to protect their hair from the spiders crawling down there. Eddie shivered at the thought and messed his hair even more, in case one of those awful creatures took refuge on the top of his head. Ew, ew, ew!</p><p>Richie promptly reassured him, looking at his hair, ruffling it a bit, telling him that there was no spider there. Eddie sighed with relief, relaxing and holding Richie's hand in his. He squeezed it tightly as if to say that he was there, supporting him, no matter what.</p><p>They all followed Richie, a bit nervous when they left the forest. They were in the open, easy to notice. If Bowers and his gang were around, they would definitely try to attack them. But it seemed they were lucky, because they never crossed his path.</p><p>They arrived to what was commonly called the Kissing Bridge. Richie squeezed Eddie's hand firmly, looking at his friends, before kneeling in front of a section of the bridge. He looked at it for a while, at something that Eddie couldn't quite see before turning towards the Losers:</p><p>"Do any of you have a pocketknife or something?"</p><p>Mike did. He gave it to Richie, who used it for a few seconds, standing still in front of something they couldn't see, before getting up and stepping aside, allowing them all to finally witness it.</p><p>R+E. Eddie gasped softly at the sight, kneeling down to touch the letters carved in the wood. R+E. R+E. He couldn't stop touching them. Playing nervously with Mike's pocketknife, Richie started to ramble, admitting out loud:</p><p>"I… uh… I carved that when I was thirteen or so. Bowers… Bowers humiliated me in front of everyone, calling me a fag. I didn't manage to retort a single thing, so… uh… I thought I needed to do something. Something a bit bold and stupid as well."</p><p>Richie chuckled anxiously, caressing the blade of the pocketknife. Eddie was actually starting to get worried that he might cut himself in the process.</p><p>"R+E. Richie plus Eddie. I… I was in love with Eddie back then. And… And I still am."</p><p>Richie went silent, eyes downcast, unable to look up, and see what everyone was thinking of him. Eddie got up, holding Richie's hand in his, using the other to type defiantly:</p><p>"<em>I love him too. We're together." </em></p><p>For a moment, no one said a single thing. Eddie was getting nervous as well, unable to interpret his friends' facial expressions. He knew that Mike was supportive, but it was nothing new. The others seemed mostly… surprised, maybe? Bev had a different expression on her face, something Eddie couldn't quite pinpoint.</p><p>Richie raised his head slowly, muttering with a shameful voice:</p><p>"Guys, can you say something? I'm going to hurl if you don't."</p><p>A retching sound came out of his throat. Eddie immediately caressed his back, staying by his side no matter what. Even if he were to throw up. The germaphobic in him was screaming at Eddie to get away, but he forced him to shut up, so that he could be there for Richie. Because he needed him. Because he loved him.</p><p>"Richie..."</p><p>Beverly was the first to talk. She took a step towards him, putting her hand on his shoulder:</p><p>"I… You kept that secret for so long. I… I wasn't quite sure of it, and I didn't want to confront you if you weren't ready to tell it."</p><p>"You knew?"</p><p>Richie's voice was shaking, and Eddie could hear a hint of betrayal in his tone. Beverly took a step back and shook her head, immediately assuring him:</p><p>"No, nothing like that! I… I just saw how close you were with Eddie, back at my house. And when we talked with each other on the balcony, I… I don't know. I… I didn't "know", but I felt… I felt there was something you weren't telling me. And that it was about Eddie. It's… It's complicated."</p><p>"Yeah, tell me about it. Complicated. This is just fucking complicated."</p><p>Richie sounded incredibly bitter. He squeezed Eddie's hand, so much that it started to hurt:</p><p>"So what? You all knew? Or you didn't, and you just don't want to talk to your fag friend anymore? Don't worry, Eddie and I won't bother you for long."</p><p>"Beep beep Richie."</p><p>It was Mike who shut him up like this. He took a step towards Richie and Eddie, a soft smile on his lips:</p><p>"Breathe, okay? It's fine. I'm sure everything is fine. Right, guys?"</p><p>That's what they needed to step out of their stupor. Bill spoke first, his voice wavering, thanking Richie for trusting them with this. He grabbed them both in a tight hug, an embrace that soon became collective. They all had something to say, something sweet, something kind, something reassuring. Richie felt his defenses crumbling one by one, hearing their words, feeling their arms around him, knowing that he was out. And that it was okay. Soon, his legs couldn't hold him up, and he fell on his knees, Eddie following him immediately. And he sobbed. He sobbed, sobbed, sobbed, unable to stop himself.</p><p>He sobbed for the boy he used to be and who had been made to believe that he was wrong for being who he was. He cried for the man that he was now, so scared to lose his friends, everything that mattered to him, because he dared to talk, dared to be truthful, and dared to be brave. And he sobbed for Eddie as well, Eddie, who was ready to leave with him if his friends weren't accepting them, who would have followed him even if it meant losing everything dear to him. Eddie, who was so brave. Eddie, who loved him and that he loved back so, so much.</p><p>When Richie managed to calm down, his eyes were red and puffy. At some point, he had tightened his fist on the blade of his pocketknife, so much that he had started to bleed a little. Seeing that, Eddie let out a worried and angry wail, immediately reaching out for his tissue to wrap it around Richie's hand, while Mike was relieving him from his pocketknife. He muttered furiously while doing so, whines and groans that weren't making sense, but who managed to express how concerned and exasperated he was towards his careless partner. Richie laughed, using his other hand to pat Eddie on the head:</p><p>"I'm okay, Dr. Kaspbrak. I swear. It's nothing. I just… I… Thank you all."</p><p>As an answer, Stanley hugged him once again, whispering to his ear:</p><p>"It doesn't change the fact that you're my best fucking friend, Richie Tozier. I love you."</p><p>Richie felt his throat closing up at Stanley's words. He fought his incoming tears, not wanting to cry again so soon, and started to joke:</p><p>"Come on, Stan, don't be such a sap. I know you love me, dude, but I doubt Patty will agree to a <em>Ménage à trois. </em>Well, four, since Eddie is there too..."</p><p>"Idiot."</p><p>But Patty was too busy to react to Richie's jokes. She had grabbed Mike's knife and was carving two letters on the bridge, right next to Richie's. P + S. Stanley blushed at the sight, and she kissed him, holding out the knife for Bev and Ben:</p><p>"Who will do the honors?"</p><p>Ben immediately grabbed it, the romantic in him too happy to express his love in another way once again. Beverly caressed his neck while he was carving their initials, to the left of Richie and Eddie's. There.</p><p>B + B.  R + E. P + S. Richie caressed the letters, unable to believe that they were there. Acknowledging his love. Making him feel normal. Accepted. He reached out for Eddie's hand, squeezing it tightly. He loved him. He loved him so much.</p><p>"Having fun, fucking Losers?"</p><p>Richie felt his heart missing a beat. Reaching out for his baseball bat, that he left against the bridge, he instinctively shielded Eddie, who reacted by trying to put himself in front of him and protect him as well. Bowers was there. All alone. Covered with bruises. He wiped his bloody nose, a wicked grin on his face. He had pulled out his own knife, pointing it towards Eddie:</p><p>"Hey, retard! 'Hope you liked my note. 'Bet your boyfriend had to read it to you."</p><p>Eddie whined angrily, typing on his lightwriter and giving him the middle finger:</p><p>"<em>Fuck you, Bowers." </em></p><p>Bowers snickered, taking a step closer:</p><p>"Oh, you got a new shiny toy, retard? I'll break your fucking hand with it. I'll bash your brains with it."</p><p>Trembling slightly, he started to scream, rage carrying his voice:</p><p>"I'll bash all your fucking BRAINS!"</p><p>"Don't come any closer, Henry Bowers."</p><p>Patty was the one who talked. She showed him her cellphone, the number 911 clearly visible.</p><p>"Who the fuck are you?"</p><p>"Someone who will make you regret it if you come any closer. Your father is the chief of police, right? And from what I've been told, I'm guessing he's the one who beat you up like that?"</p><p>"Shut up, bitch!"</p><p>Richie was stunned, looking at the way Patty, as small and non-threatening she seemed, was carrying herself. She didn't flinch, hearing Bowers' screams. She wasn't even trying to talk loudly. Her voice was calm and collected, as if she was actually trying to handle one of her future schoolboys and not someone who could very much stab her right now.</p><p>"If you get any closer, I'm calling the police. You won't have the time to stop me, and you're going to get in big trouble if you do. You're alone, and there are eight of us. We have a bat and a knife, and we will defend ourselves if you come at us. No one has to know what just happened. Nothing happened, actually. Turn back, walk away, and leave us alone. Deal?"</p><p>He wasn't going to agree to that, right? Eddie was bracing himself for Henry Bowers to run at him, to try to stab him or Richie. But Bowers, for once, thought before he acted. He turned around and started to walk away, not before pointing his knife towards Richie and Eddie, claiming angrily:</p><p>"It's not over! I'll fucking stab you, you retards, you fags!"</p><p>But he was gone. He was gone, and Patty dropped her phone on the bridge, her legs giving up on her. Stanley immediately held her in his arms, supporting her weight:</p><p>"Hey, hey, it's okay. It's over."</p><p>Stan kissed her on her right temple, and Patricia chuckled nervously, shaking like a leaf:</p><p>"Oh fuck, I… I don't know what came over me. I don't feel so good..."</p><p>They collectively decided to go home, Stanley helping Patty to stay on her feet, trying to calm her down after her adrenaline rush. She just started to cry and laugh at the same time, still shaking wildly. She had probably been terrified, but she acted. To help them. To protect them.</p><p>Just like Richie tried to protect Eddie and Eddie tried to protect Richie. They were all there for each other. And it made them stronger. Stronger than Bowers and his empty words.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And now the Losers know :D. I wasn't planning on them knowing so soon in my third installment, but I guess it was the good moment. And I wasn't planning on bringing them to the Kissing Bridge either, but that happened xD. Same for Bowers, everything just escaped my control x). </p><p>Anyway, I hope you liked it c:. Don't hesitate to comment if you feel like it, I'd love to read your words and what you thought about this chapter! You can also leave kudos if you feel like it, but don't feel obligated to do so.</p><p>Have a nice day! See you soon and take care!</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Here's the eight chapter of this fanfic! Thank you all for being there after all this time. I hope you're doing well in those difficult times. Don't forget to take care of yourself! </p><p>I hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the trigger warnings for this one:</p><p>TW for emetophobia<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for ableism<br/>TW for mention of homophobia</p><p>I think that's all. Take care and good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time flew by. Once Richie was out to his friends, he was able to relax and feel less anxious whenever he was hanging out with them. He didn’t have this moment of doubt anymore whenever he was openly affectionate to Eddie, holding his hand, ruffling his hair, allowing him on his knees. He wasn’t about to kiss Eddie in front of them, though.</p><p>He couldn’t. He wasn’t ready. Richie knew that they wouldn’t mind, but he was still scared. Scared to see them flinch, even for a second. It would be enough for him to try to go back into his closet and never even dare to hold Eddie’s hand in public again. Still, he let himself be more tender and have a few loving words for his partner in front of anyone else.</p><p>And they talked. A lot. About when Richie realized that he was into boys, his sexuality, Eddie’s, when they got together, and so on. Richie was clearly confident in the words he wanted to use to label his sexuality, but Eddie less. While Richie explained that he considered himself gay, Eddie could only shrug, typing on his lightwriter that he “<em>l</em><em>oved Richie”.  </em></p><p>Richie reassured him about that, telling him that it wasn’t something he had to figure out right away, that he could take his time. He even suggested to bring him to the LGBT center he was a part of at some point, an idea that Eddie immediately agreed upon, excited to discover a little more about Richie’s world… Well, his own world too, actually. </p><p>“Maybe you could just be Richiesexual, you never know. I’m totally irresistible, after all.”</p><p>Eddie had snorted when Richie made this joke, before flicking him on the forehead. He didn’t know, to be honest. Richie was the first person he ever loved. He was never particularly attracted to women, but not to men either. Although, Eddie had recalled silently, he did felt more at ease only looking at the male models on Richie’s porn magazine than at the women featured on those pages.</p><p>But he couldn’t be totally sure. It was complicated. And from what Richie told him, sexuality was even more diversified than “being gay or straight”. Eddie didn’t know what to expect, but he was clearly curious. And eager to learn. That would be their thing, together. The kind of stuff they couldn’t really talk about with the Losers, although they would be willing to listen to them. At the center, Eddie could find people who might relate to his feelings, to his needs, who could answer his questions. Because he had tons of them. But he wasn’t the only one.</p><p>Richie also had a lot to ask, so many things he needed to know, he wanted to learn. He was decided to be a good boyfriend for Eddie, and he had to be more knowledgeable in order to do so. For now, he felt like an awkward teenager, unable to figure out what sex was in real life, relying on pornographic content to get the gist of it. But some of the stuff he read and saw kind of freaked him out, and he wasn’t sure he would ever be at ease enough to do any of this with Eddie… </p><p>But that wouldn’t happen yet. They were still enjoying their holidays with the Losers, Patty included, who was truly one of them. It was like she always belonged with them. Richie had trouble picturing the Losers without her, and he was pretty sure he wasn’t the only one. The kindness and sweetness she brought were so valuable. And it helped that she could be as cheeky as he was, keeping up with his trashmouth.</p><p>Everything was perfect. But it couldn’t stay like that forever. They all had to go back to their life, outside of Derry. Far away from them. Bill was the first one to leave. For a long, long time, Richie hugged him, making him promise to send him his book as soon as possible and telling him that he would call more often. Bill and Eddie shared a long embrace, exchanging words that Richie wasn’t privy to. And then, he left.</p><p>Eddie wasn’t dealing well with goodbyes. Each time one of the Losers left, Richie had to prevent him from self-harming, trying to calm his screaming fits, to pull him out of the awful mindspace he was going in, despite his best efforts. It was useless to explain to him that they would try to see each other soon, that it was only temporary. </p><p>Every time it happened, Eddie’s brain was right back to the last time he saw Richie before they split up, Mrs. Kaspbrak taking her son away from him for the next five years. He couldn’t help it, it was just too intense, too heavy to handle properly. That’s what he explained to Richie, once he calmed down enough to manage to put his feelings into words. </p><p>He cried and wailed for Stanley and Patty’s departure as well. Richie wasn’t in a better state, to be honest. He clutched to Stanley, making him promise to call him whenever he felt like he needed to, swearing to him that he would take the next plane if Stanley needed him close. </p><p>“Don’t leave me, Stan. I don’t know what I would do without you.”</p><p>It was selfish to say, probably not the wisest thing to tell a person with suicidal tendencies. But Richie hadn’t been able to hold back the words, and they just came out in a begging whisper. Stanley had hugged him back and swore, but only if Richie promised him the same thing. Which Richie did.</p><p>And they were gone. Richie cried. Eddie screamed. Hurt himself. It was hard to see, hard to stop. But they were all there for Eddie, until they weren’t anymore. Until Mike was the only one left. But he had to go too, at some point. To help his grandparents at the farm, as he occasionally did, to prepare the library so that it could open to the public after his holidays. </p><p>That’s how Eddie and Richie found themselves all alone in Beverly’s aunt’s big house. Beverly assured them that it was okay, that she warned her aunt and that she would be happy to see them whenever she would come back. Still, it was… weird. It didn’t feel so much like home, now that everyone else was gone. It was so big, so… so empty. </p><p>The first day they were all alone, Richie and Eddie barely left the bed, only for Eddie to follow the usual schedule he had in the morning. Bathroom, breakfast. Then they were back in their room, Richie hugging Eddie through his shutdown, reassuring him as much as he could. Eddie wasn’t handling this sudden loneliness well. He just started to have some habits, and now, it was all gone. Back to square one.</p><p>He wasn’t screaming, but he wasn’t reacting much either. Eddie was mostly sucking on his fingers or on his plush’s ear, eyes glassy, curled up against Richie. He followed him wherever he went and barely managed to maintain his autonomy, having to be reminded that he could put on his clothes all alone or that he didn’t need help to eat. He got a little bit better the next few days, but Richie was still worried. How long until he would feel at ease? Would he even be able to do so? What was he planning to do?</p><p>Richie spent some nights looking at the ceiling, unable to sleep, trying to untangle the messy thoughts in his brain. Eddie probably needed to be back home, return to his usual routine, and be able to rely on Richie’s parents as he generally did. But doing so would mean that Richie would have to go back home too. And… And he didn’t feel ready. Not yet.</p><p>He would have to see his father and to keep hidden the conflicted feelings he was harboring towards him. Although things went much better than he thought with the Losers, Richie wasn’t ready to be out with his parents. Just picturing himself uttering the words “I’m gay” to Maggie and Wentworth Tozier was enough to make his stomach churn, close to throwing up. And for what? To witness his mother’s frustrated tears? To hear his father’s frank disapproval? Richie’s dad wasn’t one to mince his words, and he was scared of the kind of things he could tell him if Richie was out. But, even more than that, he was afraid for his mom. What if his coming out triggered something in her? What if it was enough to push her to drink again, after all of those years of abstinence? He would never forgive himself, if it was the case. He… He just couldn’t.</p><p>But Eddie… Eddie needed his routine back. And Richie wanted him to feel safe, in an environment he could handle and control. He really wanted to. Everything was so fucking complicated. If only his father didn’t have those few words for him… Richie couldn’t forget them, no matter how hard he tried. He felt hurt. Betrayed, even. And he wasn’t ready to face it. He didn’t feel strong enough to bear this burden and hide what he was feeling. </p><p>So, for now, they were stuck, unable to find their comfort, to establish a proper routine, something Eddie could hold onto. And it hurt them both. Eddie stayed silent on the matter for a moment, but after a while, he started to ask, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>W</em><em>hen are we going back home?” </em></p><p>And Richie always gave the same answer, which was the truth:</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>Eddie wasn’t very good with uncertainty. He liked to plan things, know where he would be and what he would do in the next hours, days, weeks, or even months. Right now, he felt like he couldn’t prepare himself for anything to happen, and that idea was obsessively gnawing his brain, causing him more and more trouble. He was zoning out more often, stopping dead in his tracks, suddenly still, except for the way he would sway on his feet, back and forth. Whenever he was back to reality, Eddie was unable to explain clearly his thought process or what caused him to zone out like that. </p><p>He also got upset over the tiniest things, whether it was the whistling of their kettle or the feeling of Richie’s chapped lips over his own. He tried not to, but he couldn’t control it. Sometimes, he was able to find the time to lock himself into the bathroom, to prevent Richie from seeing him like that. But other times, he couldn’t and he was a wailing mess, Richie doing his best to calm him down. It broke his heart, whenever he saw Eddie like that. </p><p>But he still couldn’t find the strength to go home, as hard as he tried to get himself to say the words, to prepare his stuff. At some point, he managed to put some of his things in their bag, but as soon as he closed it, Richie had to run to the bathroom, retching painfully, throwing up as a result of his uncontrollable anxiety attack. And that’s how they were now, a whole week after the Losers’ departure. Beverly’s aunt was still on her trip, Eddie and Richie being the only ones to live there. </p><p>Eddie was even more agitated than usual. He was antsy, unable to stay still, pacing around the room, humming loudly. When Richie tried to get close to him, asking him what was happening, Eddie pushed him away and grunted. Richie respected his wishes, staying far from Eddie, but he still tried to communicate with him, to get him to talk:</p><p>“What’s wrong, Eddie? Can you use your lightwriter to tell me?”</p><p>“<em>No.” </em></p><p>That’s all he answered, pressing a button, before putting back his fingers in his mouth, sucking on them, humming anxiously around them. Richie sighed, trying to remain calm:</p><p>“No, you can’t? Or no, you don’t want to?”</p><p>“<em>No.” </em></p><p>Relax. Relax. Richie fiddled with his glasses, going with the idea that, maybe, Eddie couldn’t find the words to explain what he was going through:</p><p>“Can I do something to help? I’m here for you.”</p><p>“<em>No.” </em></p><p>Richie started to get pretty annoyed with this single word. He sat on the couch, his legs agitated, his hands tensing while he was digging his fingers in the leather:</p><p>“Eddie, I can’t do anything if you don’t tell me more. You can tell me everything, you know that.”</p><p>“<em>No.” </em></p><p>“No what? No what, Eddie?”</p><p>Richie’s tone must have been pretty harsh, because Eddie stopped his pacing immediately, looking at him. Richie felt immediately guilty, seeing how Eddie started to squirm, whining softly, his fingers hovering over his lightwriter without pushing a single key. Richie took a deep breath, forcing a smile on his lips:</p><p>“Sorry, Eddie. I’m not angry. I’m just worried. I want to help you. I love you.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, but he didn’t say a single word. He tried to stay still, but he started to get anxious and found himself pacing once again, walking back and forth, humming. The sound was beginning to get on Richie’s fragilized nerves, but he pushed that feeling back in his guts as much as possible. He promised himself to never stop Eddie from stimming, aside from preventing him from hurting himself. And Eddie clearly needed it, even though Richie couldn’t get why.</p><p>“Is it about us going home? That’s what stresses you out so much?”</p><p>Eddie took some time to answer. Richie was expecting something a bit more longer, maybe the beginning of an explanation, but once again, he was met with a single “<em>N</em><em>o” </em>, Eddie humming louder and louder. Richie didn’t know what to do. It was the first time Eddie reacted like that with him. He didn’t even let him get close to him. Usually, Richie managed to calm down his panic attacks, meltdowns and shutdowns by hugging him tightly, helping him to stim in a soothing way. But Eddie took a step back whenever Richie got close, leaving the couch, and he didn’t want him to feel cornered.</p><p>“Okay, Eddie, I get it. Not about us going home. Although, excuse me if I can’t totally believe you, because that’s basically the only thing you talked about those last few days...”</p><p>It was a low blow, and Richie knew it. He shouldn’t have said that. But he was getting antsy, pissed off, worried, anxious, too many things at the same time, and he couldn’t rely on anyone else to help him right now. Usually, he could count on his parents to take over, if he was too worked up to be there for Eddie properly. But Richie was on his own. And not in the best mental state to handle something like that.</p><p>Eddie’s eyes started to fill with tears at his words. Richie apologized sincerely, feeling awfully guilty, and tried to get close once again. But Eddie took a step back and, this time, hit his head. Harshly. Then he pushed this cursed button on his lightwriter, the robotic voice enunciating:</p><p>“<em>No.” </em></p><p>Richie couldn’t stay calm. His thoughts were swirling in his mind, too many at the same time, preventing him from handling things reasonably or even from stepping away from the scene. He was so awfully worried for Eddie that he couldn’t just leave him on his own. He needed to know. He needed to help. Eddie only had to tell him what’s going on! Why wasn’t he doing so?</p><p>“No what, Eddie? No fucking what, Eddie? I don’t get it!”</p><p>“<em>No no no no no” </em></p><p>Eddie pressed, again and again, the key on his lightwriter with one finger, using his other hand to hit his left temple. His blows were strong, too strong. Richie could see him staggering on his feet, his fear leading him to get closer to Eddie and grab his hand. Eddie started to scream, trying to get away from him:</p><p>“I can’t let you hurt yourself that way, Eddie, it’s dangerous! Please, tell me what’s going on, let me help you, please, please, please!”</p><p>Richie was begging, tears rolling down his cheeks, blurring his glasses. But Eddie still didn’t talk. And he was probably too worked up now to even be able to put a single one of his thoughts into words. Too late. Too late to help. Too late to understand. Eddie was screaming and screaming and screaming, squirming to get away from him, letting go of his lightwriter to slap his own cheek. Richie barely managed to catch it before it touched the ground, which would have probably broken it into pieces.</p><p>He couldn’t believe what just happened. This device, it was everything for Eddie. It had been so difficult to find it, get it to be programmed just for him, to hope for it to arrive after all this time. And Eddie… Eddie just dropped it. To hit himself.</p><p>If Richie wasn’t so distressed, he could have understood that it wasn’t Eddie’s fault, that he couldn’t control these things when he was having a meltdown, that he would have been awfully pained if Richie hadn’t managed to catch the device. But right now, Richie’s brain was in overload mode, filled with anger, anxiety, and sadness, and it got the best of him. He got up on his feet, putting the lightwriter on a piece of furniture next to them, before grabbing Eddie’s wrists harshly, screaming at his face:</p><p>“What is WRONG with you?”</p><p>That’s what finally got Eddie to react. He stopped squirming, screaming, trying to hurt himself. His eyes widened, looking at Richie like a deer caught in the headlights, his lips wobbling. And then he just… fell. Like a disarticulated doll. Richie had been quick enough to catch the lightwriter, but not to prevent Eddie from falling.</p><p>For a second, Richie stayed paralyzed, looking at Eddie’s unmoving form on the ground. He managed to utter, his voice shaking with worry:</p><p>“Eds?”</p><p>Richie got himself to kneel down, his mind filled with horrible thoughts. What if Eddie hit his head? What if he was… What if… But Eddie’s eyes were open, blinking slowly. He didn’t seem to be hurt, his head landing mostly on the soft carpet taking so much space in Beverly’s aunt’s living room. But he wasn’t moving. He wasn’t reacting. Richie called out his name softly, but Eddie didn’t respond.</p><p>He wasn’t even sucking on his fingers or any of the things he usually did when he was distressed. He was… still. Blinking. Mouth slightly agape. Richie choked up when he started to see him drool. He tried to help him on his feet, but to no avail. Eddie’s legs weren’t responding. His arms neither. When Richie managed to sit him down and let go of them, his arms fell down to the ground, as if he just cut the threads of some puppet.</p><p>“Eddie, come on… Don’t do that to me. Please. Please, you promised.”</p><p>Richie was rambling, helping Eddie on the couch, laying him on his side, keeping his mouth open. That’s what he was supposed to do, right? So that he wouldn’t choke on his vomit if he…? But Eddie wasn’t his drunk mom. He didn’t even know what’s going on.</p><p>He knelt down in front of Eddie, kissing him, trying to get him to react in any way:</p><p>“Eddie, I’m so sorry, please. Please, don’t go where I can’t follow you. I need you. I need you so fucking much.”</p><p>Why? Why was he like that? What happened? Was it really because they weren’t home right now? But Eddie told him that it wasn’t the case? But was it even true? Or was he already so worked up that he didn’t even know what he said or was supposed to answer?</p><p>Richie didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t call the hospital, they would take him away, put him in an institution. Even if Eddie got better, they wouldn’t let him out. Not after such an episode of… of whatever it was. He needed help. He needed fucking help.</p><p>With shaky hands, he reached out for his phone, calling the only person who could probably get Eddie out of this terrifying state. Richie sighed with relief when he heard her voice, but it was far from enough to alleviate him from his anxiety:</p><p>“D… Dr. Park? It’s Richie. Eddie… Eddie is… I...”</p><p>He didn’t even know how to describe what happened. Richie was wheezing, his stomach churning, his whole body shaking like a leaf.</p><p>“Richard, you need to calm down first. I’m here with you. Breathe in, breathe out, slowly. Follow my rhythm.”</p><p>Richie needed time to manage to calm down. Too much. What if it was already too late for Eddie? Caressing Eddie’s cheek, who barely blinked as a reaction, he started to tell her what happened, feeling awfully guilty. He shouldn’t have gotten so upset. He should have stepped away. He should have… He should have…</p><p>“What’s done is done, Richard. We need to focus on the present, to help Edward. Can you describe to me his current state, as precisely as possible?”</p><p>“He… He suddenly fell down. He’s not responsive. I tried to get him up, but his legs collapsed instantly. He can’t hold his arms up either. I don’t know if he can hear me or not, if he can understand me. He’s just… he’s just blinking. I don’t even know if he’s looking at something, if he’s thinking about anything, if he’s okay, if...”</p><p>“Breathe, Richie. Breathe. I’m here. You’re not alone. I’m here to help.”</p><p>She asked a few more questions, and Richie answered as much as he could, holding Eddie’s hand in his so strongly that he was probably hurting him. But Eddie wasn’t reacting. He wasn’t reacting, for fuck’s sake!</p><p>“I think I know what’s happening. I feared Edward might someday experience something like that. It’s possible that it’s not the first time he went through such an episode, especially when he was with his mom, but I can’t confirm it for sure.”</p><p>“What is it, Dr. Park? What can I do?”</p><p>He heard her sigh, and his heartbeat got faster:</p><p>“It’s very likely that Edward is actually experiencing a catatonic episode. They happen to less than 4 to 17 % of autistic people, and they could be an intense reaction to stress. You told me that he seemed to be particularly anxious about something?”</p><p>Richie caressed Eddie’s hand with his thumb, nodding:</p><p>“Y… Yeah. I tried to get him to talk, but he kept saying “no” with his device. I wasn’t… I couldn’t… I shouldn’t have pushed him so much, I…”</p><p>“Richard, now is not the time to dwell on what happened. So, if I understood correctly, you’re not home actually, and Edward’s stressed out by this change. I believe it might be a cause for his episode, but maybe not the only one. Is there anything that could have triggered his episode? Anything that might have upset him even before he started to pace and manifest his anxiety?”</p><p>“I… I don’t know. He… I don’t know what happened.”</p><p>What a good partner he was… Eddie couldn’t even rely on him when he was stressed. He should have been able to tell him everything, to count on him, but… but Richie was the worst, and he… it was his fault. It was his fault.</p><p>Richie started to sob uncontrollably, hiccuping. Using his sleeve, he cleaned Eddie’s face, who was currently drooling, while Dr. Park was trying to calm him down:</p><p>“Richard, I need you to be strong right now. Edward could have been triggered by many things. A taste he can’t handle, something that reminded him of his past, some habit that he needed to pursue, but can’t...”</p><p>“I… We followed his usual morning schedule. Bathroom, breakfast. He… It helped him to feel relaxed. I don’t… I don’t know...”</p><p>“Is there something missing, Richard? Something he should have done, but couldn’t? Maybe something unusual, that doesn’t occur on a daily basis?”</p><p>Richie couldn’t think of a single thing. Until he did. He clutched Eddie’s hand, asking with a hurried voice:</p><p>“What’s today’s date?”</p><p>“Uh?”</p><p>“Today’s date, Dr. Park, please!”</p><p>She answered him, and suddenly, everything was clear. Today… Today was Sonia Kaspbrak’s birthday. That’s what was upsetting Eddie, on top of everything else. And he couldn’t tell Richie, because… because he was too anxious to form concrete and complete sentences, and Richie hadn’t been able to ask him the right question. When he asked him if the fact that he wanted to go home was the factor of his anxiety, Eddie had said no… because it wasn’t the only one. The major one. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.</p><p>“It’s… It’s his mother’s birthday. He… Eddie… I remember, he… he missed a school-day once, because of that. I thought he might be sick or something, but his mother just took him out of school to spend the day with her. He was so fucking annoyed when he told me so. It happened every year, and it always started with them… with them watching those stupid shows on TV!”</p><p>Richie grabbed the remote, turning on the TV, with a sick hope in his heart. He zapped, zapped, until he found the talk-show that Sonia Kaspbrak loved so much. He turned back to Eddie and, for a moment, he was scared to see him non-responsive. Was he wrong? Was it too late?</p><p>But then, Eddie… Eddie started to whine softly. He curled up, slowly, clumsily, putting his fingers in his mouth, sucking on them noisily. He still wasn’t reacting to Richie’s presence, but… but he just moved, and he was making noises and soothing himself, he… he…</p><p>“He… He’s watching it. He just curled up on the couch, and he’s sucking on his fingers. I… He’s...”</p><p>“Stay near him. See if he reacts positively to your contact, to your voice. Be patient. It might take a while for him to fully come out of his state. He might even start to sleep at some point. Let him be, if that’s the case. Call me back if he’s still unresponsive by the end of the day or after he woke up.”</p><p>Dr. Park paused for a second, before pursuing her sentence:</p><p>“You know what? Call me back even if he’s responsive and seems well. Our next session is planned in a few days. Will it still happen at your home, or should I come wherever you currently are?”</p><p>Richie took a deep breath. Eddie needed structure. Stability. After that, he couldn’t… he had to be strong. For him. For Eddie.</p><p>“No. We’re coming back home tomorrow. You don’t have to change anything.”</p><p>When she finally hung up, Richie slumped right next to Eddie, on the floor. He put his phone back in his pocket, hiding his face in his hands. For a minute, he sobbed, sobbed, sobbed, until he didn’t have any tears to spare anymore. Carefully, he took hold of Eddie’s hand, who whined softly, but didn’t try to move. His eyes were still glued to the TV screen, watching this stupid talk show with a strange intensity.</p><p>Richie sighed, squeezing Eddie’s hand:</p><p>“I… I don’t know if you can hear me, but… but I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m truly sorry. I should have known, I should have remembered earlier. I could have helped you. I could have...”</p><p>Richie held back another sob, wiping his cheeks:</p><p>“I love you so much. I don’t know what I would have done if I just lost you. I’m… I’m sorry.”</p><p>He truly was. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way he screamed at Eddie, about the awful words he had for him. It reminded him of how cruel he had been to his mother, all those years before, accusing her of being responsible for Eddie’s brutal leaving.</p><p>Sometimes, Richie hated his motormouth and how he still didn’t manage to control what was coming out of his mouth. He knew better than that, he should have stepped out for a while to calm down, he would have been reasonable enough to figure out the situation and help Eddie. Instead, he just made things worse…</p><p>But he would do everything he could to make sure it won’t happen again. Eddie deserved better from him. Infinitely better.</p><p>“We’re coming home tomorrow, Eds. I’ll never tell you those horrible things again, I promise. I love you so much. I don’t deserve you...”</p><p>Richie kissed Eddie’s hand, noticing that he had fallen asleep at some point. He was snoring lightly, breathing through his fingers. At some point, he let out a noise, something that was close to “Mom”. Richie’s heart broke, hearing that. He should have been more careful. </p><p>Of course, Eddie would have been affected by her death this day, and even more with everything that happened to them. Their new relationship, Bowers, being away from home and his usual routine… How could Eddie handle all of that at the same time?</p><p>Richie took a deep breath. He would do better. He had to. For Eddie.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, yeah, I had an episode of catatonic once. It wasn't fun to experience. If I recall correctly, I was in my dorm room, either installing myself there for the first time or leaving it, I can't remember precisely. The point is that I was experiencing some major change to my routine and I was basically all alone to handle it. </p><p>I suddenly fell on the ground and I couldn't get up. My thoughts were awfully confused and I couldn't move an inch. I don't know how long it lasted, it could have been a few seconds or minutes, but no one noticed and I was awfully shook when I managed to get on my feet. I had to sit on my bed for a while, barely able to stand on my legs. I had no idea I was autistic back then, so I didn't have any explanation for what happened. I didn't dare to share that with anyone because I thought that people would mock me or told me that I was "faking" or something. But yeah, scary.</p><p>Anyway, I basically planned this scene, and for Sonia's birthday to be a trigger, almost at the beginning of "Broken". It was supposed to happen at some point during Home, but I never managed to put this scene. So... It's finally here x). I felt it was important to portray how stressed out Eddie and Richie were and how their various issues could sometimes hinder them from handling these situations properly. They still love each other dearly and they'll talk about it afterward, but in the heat of the moment, both experiencing stress and anxiety they aren't quite equipped to handle, they couldn't communicate.</p><p>That's something they'll be working on with their therapists as well. Eddie has to learn to put words on his feelings and to rely more on those who can help him, while Richie has to learn to step back when he can't handle the pressure and his feelings are too strong to control for him. He also needs to rely on his friends and his family more. He didn't even think to call Mike, in the heat of the moment, because he thought that he was the only one who could help Eddie. Which is not a healthy behavior to display.</p><p>Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. Feel free to comment it or to leave a kudos, I'd love to read your thoughts about it. I promise, I'll do what I can so that the next chapter will be lighter and fluffier c:. Thanks again for being there and all. Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Here's the ninth chapter of this fanfic, I hope you'll like it! Thank you so much for your support, it really helps me to keep writing and maintain my schedule for now, despite being back at work. Writing for you makes me so happy, it's awesome!</p><p>I hope you're doing okay. Take care of yourselves and be careful. My thoughts are with you, whatever you're going through.</p><p>With that said, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of emetophobia<br/>TW for self-harm</p><p>Don't hesitate to let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie barely remembered what happened the day before, after his dispute with Richie. When he tried to, everything that came to his mind seemed garbled, confusing, a mismatch of feelings, sounds, and pictures that didn't seem connected.</p><p>Richie tried to explain that to him, while preparing their stuff to go back home, but Eddie couldn't recall any of it or understand why he reacted so strongly. But there was one thing he was sure of, and that was how guilty he felt to have scared Richie like that. And how he was basically forcing him to come home now. </p><p>That's what Eddie, who was sitting on their bed, told Richie, who stopped ordering their stuff to look at him and give him a reassuring smile:</p><p>"Eds, don't apologize. It wasn't your fault. I screamed at you, and I shouldn't have. I should have left you your own space and not escalate the situation."</p><p>"<em>But you were right to be angry. I was only bothering you. I'm the bad one." </em></p><p>Richie sighed, sitting next to Eddie, taking his hand in his, squeezing it softly:</p><p>"You're not bad, Eddie. I just wish you would have told me what was bothering you like that, before it was too late. I would have helped you. I'm there for you, remember?"</p><p>Eddie grimaced, avoiding Richie's gaze. He shook his legs nervously, looking for the answer he wanted to give him. He was having a hard time grasping words, translating his thoughts into proper sentences. His catatonic episode, that's how Richie called it, took a lot out of him and, even after a full night of sleep, Eddie still felt tired and a bit out of everything. He finally managed to type, while Richie was waiting patiently, giving him a kind and loving smile:</p><p>"<em>I thought I could handle it. When I remembered that it was Mom's birthday, I started to get anxious, but I didn't want to bother you with that. Because it was stupid." </em></p><p>"It's not stupid, Eddie, and you talking about your issues is never going to be a bother for me. I promise."</p><p>Eddie let out a negative whine, using his other hand to hit his leg in an anxious motion. Richie shushed him softly, holding both of his hands in his own and kissing them gently, before moving them up and down in a soothing gesture. Eddie managed to relax a little, and he started to write, once Richie let go of one of his hands:</p><p>"<em>No, it was stupid. Yesterday, I missed my mom, and I shouldn't have, because she hurt me. I know that she hurt me, but I still missed her. So, it's stupid." </em></p><p>"Eddie, I really don't think it's stupid. But you should probably talk about those things to your therapist. She's going to help you to make sense of your feelings. Until then, I'm asking you to trust me if you feel bad, okay? Whenever you start to get antsy or nervous or whatever, just say it to me right away. Fine?"</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip. A part of him wanted to say "yes". Despite their dispute yesterday and Richie's outburst, both events he profusely apologized for, Eddie trusted him more than ever and really wanted to rely on him as he offered him to. But… But it wasn't that easy.</p><p>"<em>You have your own problems. You shouldn't have to deal with mine on top of that. And now, because of me, we're going back home, even though you're not ready. It's selfish of me to force you to do that." </em></p><p>Eddie whimpered sadly. That's what made it all worse. He knew very well that Richie didn't want to go back to his parents. He clearly saw how stressed out he had been whenever Eddie asked him when they were supposed to come home, his violent reaction when he started to pack their stuff, only for Richie to run to the bathroom to empty his stomach's content. He seemed less anxious now, but he could just be trying to hide it from Eddie, so that he wouldn't feel guilty about all of that…</p><p>Richie squeezed Eddie's hand, bringing it to his lips to kiss it, holding it against his cheek. His fingertips grazed Richie's skin, while his partner assured him, offering him a gentle smile:</p><p>"It's not because of you, Eds. It's thanks to you. I needed that push to take a step forward. We couldn't stay cooped up here forever, even though I kinda wanted it to happen. I knew how much you needed your stability back, but I still tried to convince myself that it was okay, that we could stay here indefinitely. If anything, I'm the one who had been selfish all along. I..."</p><p>Eddie interrupted him, kissing him tenderly. His tongue tipped out, and Richie parted his lips, welcoming it gladly. Eddie's hands grabbed Richie's clothes firmly, his cheeks flushed, his heart beating fast. He laid down Richie while doing so, a soft whine escaping his throat once they parted their lips. Eddie was sitting on Richie's body, who could only look at him with eyes full of wonder and love. His breathing slightly ragged, he typed on his device, having grown so used to it that he wasn't forced to stop gazing at Richie to use it:</p><p>"<em>You're</em> <em>not selfish. And I love you." </em></p><p>"I love you too." Richie blurted, his face red, putting his hands carefully on Eddie's sides. Eddie let him do so, a smile on his lips. Richie started to laugh nervously, his body heating up, and he awkwardly asked:</p><p>"Can you kiss me again? And… And grab my wrists while doing so? Wait, let me take off my glasses..."</p><p>Richie fumbled to do so, his hands shaking slightly. Eddie chuckled and nodded, while Richie nervously joked:</p><p>"I love kissing Blob Eddie. HD Eddie is fine too, but Blob Eddie is so mysterious. I can't even tell what your facial expressions are like, I… Okay, you're getting closer, you…!"</p><p>Richie couldn't help, but moan slightly when Eddie held his wrists in a gentle, but firm grab. He leaned down and put his lips on Richie's, who was the one who deepened the kiss first this time. He didn't know exactly why, but whenever Eddie was taking control, Richie found that incredibly sexy.</p><p>The way Eddie would get bold and confident, despite his inexperience and how innocent he seemed to be sometimes, being the one who, between the both of them, was always the most curious, willing to experiment, to try to take it a step further… Richie tightened his hands into fists at the thought, a smothered gasp trying to make its way out of his throat. </p><p>When they finally parted, Eddie put his glasses back on Richie's face, in such a tender move that Richie could only get even more turned on by the idea of being treated so delicately, so lovingly. It didn't help that, from his current point of view, he could clearly see that Eddie was excited as well, his erect cock forming a bulge under his pants, while he was panting slightly. From what he was feeling between his legs, Richie was basically in the same state. He grimaced, letting out a sigh:</p><p>"We're both hopeless. And horny as fuck. It's a disaster. How are we supposed to go home right now?"</p><p>Eddie laughed as an answer. He released Richie's wrists, so that he would be able to type on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>We should take care of this." </em></p><p>Richie gulped at his words. His body responded eagerly, but his mind was still holding him back in some way, making him feel incredibly nervous. He stammered anxiously, fumbling with his glasses:</p><p>"W… What do you mean, E-Eds?"</p><p>Eddie caressed his cheek gently, before answering:</p><p>"<em>It's up to you. Do you want to touch me?" </em></p><p>And Richie wanted that. Truly. He loved Eddie and wanted to know everything about him, about his body, and how he would react to his touch. He wanted to hear him moaning, coming apart from the way Richie would care for him, getting to be the first to make him experience an orgasm… </p><p>But as attractive this idea was, Richie couldn't bring himself to do it. He tried to get his hands close to Eddie's crotch, but the deprecating voices in his head were too strong, and he just couldn't.</p><p>And he couldn't allow Eddie to touch him either. It was… It would be… Richie hid his face behind his hands, muttering a sad "Sorry". Eddie immediately stopped straddling him, lying down next to him, resting his head against Richie's shoulder.</p><p>"<em>It's</em> <em>okay. We don't have to do that. We can take our time. Do you want us to touch ourselves like we did last time, or do you want to take a cold shower?" </em></p><p>Richie stopped hiding his face, looking at Eddie. Eddie hated to see him so scared at the idea that he wasn't enough for him. Richie was perfect just as he was. He didn't want to hurt him by forcing him to do something he wasn't ready for. And, to be honest, Eddie wasn't entirely sure he was prepared for all of that either. He basically knew next to nothing about sex and didn't want to hurt Richie or himself by being careless. And what about health issues? What if he did something that could put Richie in danger?</p><p>No, it was best for them to truly take their time. They didn't have to rush it off. And that's what Eddie was trying to make Richie understand, offering him clear options, letting him know that there were no wrong choices. When Richie asked for a shower, Eddie nodded, an understanding smile on his lips. He kissed Richie shortly, before grabbing his hand and leading him to the bathroom.</p><p>Eddie just started to take off his clothes when Richie stopped him, putting his hands on his:</p><p>"Can I… Can I do that for you? And… And do you want to do the same for me too?"</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow, slightly confused. Richie was always encouraging him to do this all alone. And he never asked him for help either. He let out an interrogative whine, perplexed, and Richie chuckled nervously, explaining himself:</p><p>"I… I think I should get myself to be more at ease with your body. With me touching you and you touching me. It… It seems like a good compromise, you know? And… And we could try taking this shower together as well. If… If you're okay with that, of course."</p><p>Eddie nodded. He put Richie's hands on his buttoned-up shirt, allowing him to undress him. Richie did so slowly, cautiously, seeming incredibly nervous. Eddie didn't really know how to help him relax, because he started to get tense too. It was different from all of those times Richie helped him take off his clothes. He wasn't caring for him because Eddie wasn't in a mental or physical state to do it on his own. He was doing it because he wanted to and Eddie as well.</p><p>Eddie let out a needy moan when Richie accidentally grazed one of his nipples, a slight shiver shaking his body. Richie raised his head towards him, mouth agape, chuckling awkwardly:</p><p>"Okay, I'm keeping this piece of info in mind. Eddie Spaghetti, nipples sensitives. Hey, I have a new nickname for you: Eddie Spaghettits!"</p><p>Eddie groaned as an answer, rolling his eyes, and Richie let out a more natural laugh. Eddie couldn't resist for long and accompanied him as well. Soon, they were more relaxed, and Richie managed to undress Eddie completely without fumbling too much. He took a deep breath, before inviting Eddie to do the same:</p><p>"Y… Your turn."</p><p>Eddie nodded and immediately started to do so. He loved it whenever he was the one who could take care of Richie. Usually, he was the one other people cared for, helping him whenever he was unable to do something. Being the one in charge was so nerve-wracking, but also so rewarding. Eddie loved it so much. He didn't think that the act of taking someone's clothes could be so exciting, but doing so for Richie made him feel all hot and tingly, even more than their kiss before. He wanted to jump him and kiss him further, but Eddie restrained himself, taking a deep breath. Richie wasn't ready. Not the time.</p><p>The last thing he did was taking Richie's glasses off. Richie let out a shuddered breath once he did so. He always felt vulnerable without his glasses on. His sight was truly horrible, and what he was able to distinguish was nothing more than a few blobs of color. The fact that he wasn't even sure where Eddie discarded his glasses made him even more nervous, knowing that it made him unable to grab them whenever he wanted, and he uttered, with a ragged voice:</p><p>"… Can't see..."</p><p>Eddie cupped his face, caressing his cheek. He took Richie's hand, leading him to touch his glasses. There. They were there. Richie sighed with relief, allowing himself to trust Eddie entirely. How did he always seem to know how to put him at ease? Eddie was a treasure. And he loved him so much.</p><p>Eddie led Richie to the shower cabin, turning on the water. And the moment they shared together was the most intimate thing both Eddie and Richie ever experienced. The way they would care for each other carefully, gently, washing, caressing, reassuring… It was so much more pleasing than any of them thought it would be. Eddie loved the way Richie was exploring his body with his hands, making sure that he wouldn't hurt him. It saddened him to see how Richie kept avoiding to get near his crotch, getting antsy whenever he did it accidentally, but Eddie didn't pressure him. Richie needed time to deal with his issues, and forcing him to confront them wasn't the answer. That wasn't what Eddie wanted either.</p><p>At some point, Richie started to poke at his ribs, and Eddie squealed, squirming under his touch. He retorted, tickling Richie's armpits, who let out an uncontrollable laugh and tried to escape him. They only calmed down when Richie almost slipped, managing to stay up thanks to Eddie and how he leaned on the shower cabin to maintain his balance. They were still laughing and shaking slightly after that, Eddie resting his head against Richie's chest under the cold flow of the water. They stayed still like that for a while, Richie hugging Eddie, Eddie clutching gently to Richie, listening to his heartbeat, appreciating the way Richie's torso would rise at his every breath.</p><p>Eddie sighed happily, his arousal completely undone. He just felt… fine. Right where he belonged. They finished showering, Eddie helping Richie to dress up. He put his glasses on his nose and Richie adjusted them, looking at Eddie with an appreciative stare:</p><p>"You're so beautiful, my Eddie Spaghetti."</p><p>Eddie went red at his words, but he didn't try to hide himself. He didn't feel the need to do so. It wasn't only because he was unable to be modest, thanks to his fucked up education, but also because Richie's gaze didn't feel intrusive. His eyes were full of love, tenderness, kindness, and Eddie loved the way they would linger here and there, appreciating his body. He truly felt beautiful, just as Richie said, with how he looked at him and what a wonderful feeling it was.</p><p>After gazing at him for a while, Richie put Eddie's clothes back on, before hugging him tightly, whispering to his ear:</p><p>"Thank you, Eddie. Thank you so much."</p><p>Eddie could only whimper as an answer. He hugged him as well, sighing, caressing Richie's back. It was the best thing he ever experienced. And Eddie felt more relaxed than ever, ready to face anything and everything. How could he not, when he was loved and cared for that way?</p><p>"I never want to shower without you, Eds. Don't care if you're not there for a few days. I'll stink until you come back."</p><p>Eddie couldn't prevent himself from laughing at Richie's words. He detached himself from his boyfriend, typing a "<em>Gross"  </em>on his lightwriter, poking his forehead with his index finger.</p><p>"<em>You will not. I won't allow my boyfriend to be gross like that when I'm not around." </em></p><p>It was the first time Eddie used that word in such a possessive manner. Richie let out a soft "Oh" hearing so, his heartbeat rising slightly. He smiled, a wide and happy smile, holding Eddie's hands in his own:</p><p>"I promise. I can't just let down My germaphobic boyfriend by stinking more than Pepé Le Pew. You deserve better from me."</p><p>Richie gently kissed Eddie's hands, muttering a sincere and affectionate "I love you" while doing so. Eddie smiled as well, freeing his hands to sign him back as an answer:</p><p>
  <em> I love you too.  </em>
</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie had tried to be restrained and calm, once they went back to the Toziers' house, but when he saw Wentworth and Maggie, he just couldn't control himself. He ran to them and threw himself into their arms, hugging them tightly, soft whines escaping his lips. He missed them so much. So, so much. They only spent a few weeks apart, but it felt like an eternity. They were such an essential part of his life, Eddie realized it right now. And he was so glad to be back with them.</p><p>Richie stayed behind, fiddling with his bag's straps. When his mother motioned for him to get closer and be a part of the hug, he relented, tense at first, but managing to relax once his mom closed her arms around him. He missed them too. Even if his heart was still hurting and fearing for their reaction, he truly missed his parents. And he was glad to be back, despite everything.</p><p>Maggie kissed them both on the forehead, letting them know with a cheerful voice:</p><p>"We cleaned everything in your room, it's like nothing happened."</p><p>Richie chuckled nervously at her words. Yeah, just like nothing happened. He had been insulted and almost outed by Bowers' message, he came out to his friends, and their bully threatened to kill them on the kissing bridge, but yeah. Nothing happened. </p><p>It's not like he could let them know, anyway. Everything that happened with Bowers would worry them needlessly and… and he was definitely not ready to talk about his sexuality. Not yet. </p><p>"We missed you so much. The house is not the same without you two. Tell them, Wentworth!"</p><p>Went was less expansive than his wife could be, but he nodded, ruffling his son's hair:</p><p>"I missed your jokes, son. I missed you."</p><p>He pulled Eddie and Richie into a firm hug, sighing and whispering to them:</p><p>"I missed you so much. I don't know why, I almost felt like I would never see you again."</p><p>Richie's throat closed up at his father's words. He wasn't totally wrong. At some point, Richie didn't even know if he would be able to come back. It was only because he cared so much for Eddie that he found the strength to do so. And he didn't regret it, even though he was still hurting and doubting. He loved his family so much, despite his father's careless words, despite his mother's insistence for him to have a secret girlfriend. He loved them so much.</p><p>"You can go upstairs to put your stuff in your room. I'm definitely going to batch some cookies and pull out some fruit juice, we have to celebrate you being back! I'm so happy to see you again."</p><p>Eddie nodded happily, an enthusiastic whine coming out of his lips, while Richie smiled weakly, answering to his mom:</p><p>"I'm happy too. We'll be back in a few."</p><p>He kissed her on the cheek, before leading Eddie to their room. He was relieved to be able to crash on their bed, extending his arms on the mattress. Eddie followed him soon, curling up against him. Richie caressed his hair gently, smiling softly:</p><p>"Happy to be back?"</p><p>Eddie nodded and whined approvingly, but his face showed signs of concern, and he reached out for his lightwriter to type, straightening up to look directly at Richie:</p><p>"<em>Are you okay?" </em></p><p>Richie didn't really know. On one hand, he was happy to see his parents back and have a home, to know that Eddie would feel better here, back to his routine, back to his usual life. But… But he still felt scared. Forced to hide himself. To be someone that wasn't completely him. He bit his bottom lip, letting out a sigh:</p><p>"I don't know." Richie wanted to reassure Eddie, but he would have to lie to him, and he knew how much his boyfriend hated that. "I don't know, but I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. I'm glad to see everyone. I'm happy to be back."</p><p>Eddie nodded, caressing his cheek gently:</p><p>"<em>I'm</em> <em>here for you. I'm here to help." </em></p><p>"I know. Thank you, Eddie. It's going to be fine. We're going back to what was our normal daily life. You'll be back in your work at the library in a few days, I'll finally start working again at the video store. You could come with me here and there if you want to. I'm sure you'll like it. And my boss won't mind."</p><p>Eddie signed an enthusiastic "Yes!", nuzzling his face affectionately against Richie's neck. Richie chuckled, appreciating the feeling and how tender Eddie could be with him:</p><p>"I'll tell them. Not now, but I'll find a way to do so. I'm going to work with my therapist to be able to come out. And I'll also reach out to the people at the LGBT Center to help me. To help us. I'm sure they have a lot they can teach us."</p><p>"<em>About sex, for example?" </em></p><p>Richie choked on his saliva, before laughing out loud at how bold and frank Eddie could sometimes be.</p><p>"Straight to the point, I see! Yeah, they can help with that too. I'm sure you love it there. I'll take you out in a few days, once you're settled back and feel ready to leave the house for a while."</p><p>Eddie nodded, reaching for Richie's hand and squeezing it. Richie hesitated for a minute, unsure if he really wanted to talk about this subject, before he asked with an embarrassed voice:</p><p>"Do you… Do you think you'll be ready for us to move out at some point? I mean, not now, but… but..."</p><p> Richie stammered, a bit awkward, and Eddie listened to him patiently, squeezing his hand gently:</p><p>"You… You really had trouble adjusting to Auntie's house and having to settle into a new routine and… and being away and… I don't know. I don't want to ever hurt you, and if moving out is too much for you, we… I'll stay here. If mom and dad allowed me to do so, anyway."</p><p>Richie laughed nervously at the thought. He doubted his parents would want him to leave if it was better for Eddie to stay with them. But if they knew that he was gay and in love with Eds, they might… they could…</p><p>Richie's breathing started to get wheezy, and Eddie shushed him softly, caressing his hand with his thumb. He used his other hand to type, thinking for a while about his answer:</p><p>"<em>It's</em> <em>different if it's permanent. It was difficult at first when you welcomed me to your house, after all this time spent with my mom. It was stressful and complicated. But I got used to it, and now, it's home. But Beverly's aunt's house wasn't home. I knew that it was only temporary, and not knowing when it would end made things incredibly difficult. I couldn't adjust." </em></p><p>Richie grimaced at Eddie's words. He should have been more careful. He kept saying "I don't know" whenever Eddie asked him when they would be back, and it probably didn't help with his anxiety, on the contrary. It was true that he didn't know, but he… he should have been brave enough to give himself a clear time limit. Something Eddie could have held onto.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I promise that I won't let you in the dark anymore as I did. Whenever we'll leave, if it's not permanent, you'll always know as much detail as I can give you. That's how we'll plan our trip to Disney World, for sure. I want you to feel happy and in control."</p><p>Richie kissed him on the forehead, and Eddie did the same, brushing Richie's neck with his lips. They remained calm and restrained, not wanting their bodies to get too heated and excited. Not when they were supposed to come down to Richie's parents in a few minutes…</p><p>"<em>I want to move out with you at some point. Maybe even Mike, if he's okay with it. Leave fucking Derry behind and start a new life. It'll be difficult at first, but I'll manage, okay? I need you to trust me." </em></p><p>"I trust you, Eds. I trust you more than anything else and anyone else in the entire world. The size of my trust is almost as big as the size of my di…!"</p><p>Eddie muffled Richie before he could finish his sentence, hearing him laugh behind his hand. Eddie sighed and rolled his eyes, getting away from Richie:</p><p>"<em>Idiot. You're such an idiot. Why do you always have to talk about your dick?" </em></p><p>"Hey, it's not my fault if it's taking so much space! Richie Jr. is very big and loud, pretty hard to ignore. You saw it, you must know!"</p><p>Eddie's cheeks reddened at Richie's words. He flicked him on the forehead, hiding his embarrassment pretty badly behind a joke:</p><p>"<em>It's nothing compared to what I saw in your magazines. Now, that was a big dick!" </em></p><p>"Shh, Eddie!"</p><p>Richie put his hands in front of his crotch, whispering urgently:</p><p>"Richie Jr.'s sensitive, don't let him hear that!"</p><p>Eddie looked silently at Richie for a second, before his lips started to tremble. Soon enough, he was unable to hold back the almost hysterical laughter that came out of his throat. He couldn't stop laughing, tears rolling down his cheeks, holding his ribs in a tight grip. Richie was laughing as well, although not as violently as Eddie. He opened his arms for Eddie to rest against him, and he did, laughing, snorting and wheezing, his face more flushed than ever.</p><p>It took him a while to manage to calm down, his breathing still out of control. Richie gently caressed his hair, letting him the time to be back to his usual self:</p><p>"I love seeing you laugh, Eddie. Never stop."</p><p>Eddie nodded, hugging Richie tenderly. They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Richie's mom called out to them:</p><p>"Coming, mom! Come on, Eds, I'll put our stuff in our cupboard, and then, we're going to eat so many cookies that we'll both explode. You're fine with that?"</p><p>Eddie nodded happily, doing his best to help Richie despite how tired his laughing fit made him feel. Soon enough, they were downstairs with Maggie and Went, feasting on Maggie's cookies and talking enthusiastically. Eddie didn't let go of Richie's hand, squeezing it gently to show him that he was there. That he wasn't alone.</p><p>He could see it, despite Richie's smiles. He was nervous. Uneasy. But Eddie was by his side, no matter what. And he could rely on him. Eddie promised himself to be strong enough for Richie. To be there for him. And he certainly didn't need a time limit for that. Whatever might happen to them in the future, Eddie would be there for Richie. He was sure of that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Would you believe me if I told you I didn't plan to write most of this chapter xD? At first, it was supposed to be them talking and packing their stuff, before spending most of the chapter on them being back with Went and Maggie, but my mind directed me elsewhere and... well, that is the result xD. I hope you liked it c:. It was really fun to write.</p><p>Thank you again for your support. Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos, that's how I know if you liked (or not) my story. I'm always so happy to read your thoughts on what I've written c:.</p><p>Take care and see you soon! Bye!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay. Welcome to the tenth chapter of this fanfic! I haven't heard from a lot of you since the last chapter, I just hope nothing wrong happened. Take care and don't overwork yourself or anything like that, if you can!</p><p>Anyway, thank you for still being there after all this time. I hope you'll like this chapter. Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for ableism<br/>TW for r-word<br/>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of emetophobia<br/>TW for mention of self-harm<br/>TW for infantilization</p><p>I think that's all. Don't hesitate to let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were back home. It was probably a good thing, after all. They couldn't stay at Beverly's aunt's house forever, and he doubted Eddie would have handled well meeting Auntie and getting used to her eccentric personality. At least, he could settle back into his routine and find some peace. That's what Richie tried to tell himself. It was for the best.</p><p>After a few days, he was back to work, for the first time after many, many months. His boss had been more than understanding, but Richie knew that his patience was wearing thin. He would have been out of a job if he hadn't come back right here, right now. Ordering the shelves of the video store, Richie's mind was entirely somewhere else, focusing on Eddie. He wondered if he was doing okay.</p><p>As much as he tried to, he couldn't stop thinking about his catatonic episode. The way Eddie just fell on the ground, his face as blank as a doll, his body unresponsive… Richie couldn't help but shiver at the thought. It had been terrifying, and Richie was horrified at the idea that it might happen again. He had warned his parents about this, if Eddie ever went through another episode like this one, but would it be enough? Richie had thought that Eddie was lost forever, because of him…</p><p>But they were back. Eddie was clearly doing better. The first day they woke up, he reflexively tried to go where the bathroom at Beverly's aunt's house would be, but he found back his marks soon enough, and he was clearly thriving. Richie wanted to be happy for him. He really wanted to. But he couldn't stop worrying.</p><p>It wasn't just about his parents and how afraid he could be of their reactions towards his sexuality. Sure, it was a part of it, how could it be otherwise? Despite his best efforts, Richie still felt nervous around his folks, especially his father, as if he would be able to guess everything about him and hate him for that.</p><p>But, mostly, Richie was scared to be back in their room, knowing that Bowers managed to break into it easily. During his first night, Richie was jumping every time he heard the slightest noise, convinced that their bully was lurking around them, ready to attack at any moment. Unable to find proper sleep, Richie had hugged Eddie tightly against him, determined to protect him no matter what. He would die trying, if necessary…</p><p>But Bowers never came. And the following nights, Richie, exhausted, managed to find some sleep. It helped that Eddie was there, more perceptive than Richie thought, helping him with his anxiety. Eddie was always ready to let him know that he was there, that he was okay, that Bowers wasn't in their room and that they were safe. That no matter how horrifying Richie's nightmares could be, Eddie was always there for him whenever he would wake up.</p><p>And now, Richie was back to work. Eddie too, although he wasn't at the library today. He was still working once a week and was currently seeing his therapist. God only knew how much he needed it… Richie hoped he would be able to find some answers to his doubts and that Dr. Park would help him deal with his mother's lingering presence in the back of his mind.</p><p>As much as Eddie had progressed, Sonia Kaspbrak was still a sore subject, and, seeing how he reacted during her birthday, he clearly needed to find some closure. That would be the only way he'd managed to really move on and start a new life. Mrs. K. needed to be put back where she belonged: in her grave, as a memory Eddie would simply accept and detach himself from. But Richie knew that it wouldn't be easy… She had such an influence on Eddie during all those years, even before she started to exploit his autism…</p><p>"Richie? I think this shelf is ordered enough."</p><p>Richie snapped back to reality, apologizing to his boss. The man shook his head, a smile on his lips:</p><p>"Don't worry. It must be hard to leave your protege at home. Thankfully, your mom is there to take care of him, right?"</p><p>Richie knew that his boss didn't have any bad intentions, but he still disliked the way he would talk about Eddie. As if he was some pet that Richie had to handle or a helpless child… If he knew the kind of things Eddie and he had started to do, the man would certainly never think of him as an "innocent angel" ever again. Richie blushed at the thought, shrugging as an answer to his boss's sentence.</p><p>It's not like they could really do much more than they already did for now, though. Careful to lock the door behind them, Richie was now showering with Eddie, exploring his body and letting him do the same, being as quiet as possible in case his parents might be nearby. During the night, they would kiss and hug, keeping it platonic so that neither Richie nor Eddie would start to moan suspiciously.</p><p>Richie didn't know if it frustrated him or reassured him. There was a part of him that really wanted to explore his relationship with Eddie more, to please him in all those ways he had yet to discover. But Richie couldn't deny that he needed it to be slow, and living again with his parents was the perfect excuse to do so. He knew that he didn't need one, that Eddie was more than understanding and willing to wait for him at every step they would take, but still. For now, he could at least be in denial and reject the fault on his family for the way their relationship wasn't moving forward.</p><p>But what would happen afterward? If his parents accepted them or if they moved out to be on their own? Would he ever be ready? Richie didn't know. And frankly, it scared him. He wanted nothing more than to be the perfect partner for Eddie, the lover he deserved to have, and he always felt like he wasn't enough. First, Richie was unable to see how anxious his boyfriend was. Then, he allowed himself to be selfish and ignore his partner's needs, because he was too much of a coward to do otherwise. He also lost his cool and screamed at him, when Eddie only needed him to be understanding.</p><p>No, Richie was clearly the worst. That Eddie still loved him at this point was beyond his comprehension. Richie sighed, forcing a smile on his lips when a customer came up to him, asking him for advice. Work was actually doing him some good. It wasn't a dream job, but getting to talk about his favorite movies and chat with the customers helped him think about something other than his shitty personality and the way he was continually ruining his life and Eddie's.</p><p>People liked him there. They appreciated his knowledge and how quickly he was able to put them at ease. Richie wasn't one to judge, and he had learned to keep his humor in check, so that he would still have a job at the end of the day. Not like he really felt joyful enough to joke constantly, back when he was still working, and Eddie wasn't there…</p><p>At some point, he took a smoke break, soon joined by his colleague. She wasn't a bad person, per se, but they never managed to click. Not like it seemed that she was really trying, anyway… She was only there for her paycheck, and Richie could respect this work mentality, kind of close to his own. Although he still tried to do a good job, while she was only doing the bare minimum required…</p><p>"So, back with us, Tozier? You still remember my name, after all those months?"</p><p>Richie rolled his eyes, smiling widely.</p><p>"Gertrud, is that it?"</p><p>She chuckled, inhaling her smoke:</p><p>"I hate you so much, sometimes."</p><p>Richie was only messing with her. Of course, he remembered his colleague's name. Sarah. He found himself enjoying their small talk, as superficial as it was, until she broached the subject he really didn't want to discuss with her:</p><p>"So, that's it, you're done changing Eddie Kaspbrak's diapers?"</p><p>Richie tightened his fist on his cigarette, so much that he crushed it. He cursed, throwing in the trash the useless thing, staring at Sarah with an angry glare:</p><p>"It's not your fucking business, Sarah. You don't get to speak about Eddie Kaspbrak. You don't even know him."</p><p>"I know what the papers said. I read his mother's books too. After what I saw on TV, I had to, y' know?"</p><p>Morbid curiosity. That's what Richie had speculated when he had known that Sonia Kaspbrak's books were still bought, despite her being revealed as a quack. He shuddered, thinking about the kind of stuff that was probably written about Eddie. He did tell Richie that he didn't care about it, but did he really know what was in those books? The kind of stuff people thought about him?</p><p>"It's bullshit. All of this, it's fucking bullshit. You don't know him."</p><p>Sarah was smiling, a smug expression on her face. Richie's opinion about her clearly changed in a matter of seconds. He thought she was okay at first. But now, he clearly hated her and the way she seemed to enjoy tormenting him, talking shit about Eddie… Thank fuck he wasn't there at work with him. Richie wasn't so sure he was willing to bring him there now, to be honest…</p><p>"I don't care about him. I'm just curious. He's probably the most exciting thing to happen to Derry those last few years. Well, that and the kid Denbrough's death, I guess. Although I was hoping for a serial killer or what, something a bit exalting. It was just an accident in the end."</p><p>"What the fuck is wrong with you, Sarah?" Richie couldn't believe it. He would be incredibly furious if he wasn't so shocked. "You're aware that you're talking about human beings? Real human beings?"</p><p>"Fuck off, Richie. Derry is so fucking boring, not my fault if your retard was the only mildly amusing thing around..."</p><p>Richie impulsively punched the wall, just next to her. Sarah flinched, but she didn't move, paralyzed, looking at her colleague as if she never saw him before. His stare was intense, angry, furious, while he was warning her, voice laced with contempt:</p><p>"Don't talk about Eddie. Don't ever repeat this fucking word. If I hear you say that again, you'll regret it."</p><p>As frightened as she seemed first, Sarah gained back her confidence, straightening up. She blew her smoke in Richie's face, raising an eyebrow:</p><p>"Oh yeah? What are you going to do? Punch me? You'll lose your job. And I'll file a complaint. I'm pretty sure they'd put you in jail for that."</p><p>Richie was seriously pissed off, but he wouldn't have hurt her. When he couldn't control his emotions, his physical violence was always redirected towards himself or various objects. He could count on his right hand's fingers how many times he ever punched someone. Well, he did break his old phone on Bowers' nose, but it was mostly self-defense, right? Bowers wanted them dead, he made that very clear.</p><p>He wouldn't do anything like that to his colleague. No matter how despicable she could be. That wasn't him.</p><p>"Go fuck yourself, Sarah. From now on, we'll take our breaks separately. I'm not talking to you, you're not talking to me. Especially not about Eddie."</p><p>"Come on, I bet you have some juicy stuff to share. He's like twenty or something, right? And you're still bathing him like some kind of toddler? That's fucked up. He should be in an inst..."</p><p>"SHUT UP!"</p><p>Richie had just screamed, tightening his fists, struggling to keep them by his sides. She finally seemed to take the hint, going back to smoking silently, while Richie went back inside, trying to focus on his work. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe how anyone would just… would just speak about someone else like that. It was like Eddie wasn't human anymore, barely a curiosity to chatter about.</p><p>The idea made his stomach churn, his fingers gripping the VHS he was currently holding. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. His boss came to see him, making sure he was alright after hearing him screaming and seeing him like that. Richie bit his bottom lip, finally managing to say:</p><p>"I don't want to talk about Eddie, okay? Not to you, not to Sarah, not to anyone else. I just want to do my job. Is that too much to ask?"</p><p>His boss offered him a comprehensive smile, putting his hand on Richie's shoulder:</p><p>"Of course not, Richie. I'll have a chat with Sarah. It feels better when you can leave your issues at home, right?"</p><p>Richie had grimaced at the man's words. That wasn't like that. If he could, Richie would talk about Eddie for hours, gushing about how amazing he was, but that wasn't the case here. They were only picturing him in the way medias portrayed him: fragile, helpless, lost. He was so much more than the doll his mom had forced him to be, so that she could be praised for "handling" him.</p><p>Eddie was smart. Chatty. Energetic. Sensitive. Kind. Determined. Bold. Brave. He wasn't Derry's precious little angel. He was no one but himself, and, for Richie, it meant the whole world. As he was tydying up the place, trying to calm himself down, Richie could only think about how much he was impatient to get back to him. To hug him, forget about the rest of the world, and enjoy his presence.</p><p>As he often did, Richie left his workplace with a few VHS he borrowed, movies he already watched and wanted to share with Eddie, films that he hadn't seen yet and really wanted to discover with his boyfriend. He couldn't believe Eddie hadn't seen "Jumanji" once, he had to fix this awful mistake. For sure, Eddie was going to love this movie… And many more to come, with Richie by his side to watch them with him. He hoped their parents would leave the house at some point, for them to enjoy a movie night all alone. Richie would be able to hug and kiss Eddie however he wanted, not having to worry about his family for once. Yes, it would be perfect…</p><p>The trip back home wasn't very long, just enough for Richie to turn on his tape player and sing along at the top of his lungs, managing his wild surge of energy that way. He needed to calm down. He didn't want to worry Eddie and even less to tell him why he was so pissed off… Eddie shouldn't have to hear those horrors. Even though he was probably used to this kind of treatment at this point, Richie wanted nothing more than to spare him for this pain. He deserved so much more than that…</p><p>When he went back home, Eddie wasn't in the living room. His mom informed Richie that he had fallen asleep after his therapist's appointment and hadn't left the bedroom since. She checked on him a few times, but he was always asleep whenever she came. Saluting his parents quickly, Richie got up the stairs, joining Eddie in their room.</p><p>Eddie was awake this time. His right cheek was red and swollen, clearly having been slapped too violently. Head down, he was fiddling with his blanket, tightening and relaxing his fists on the fabric, humming softly. As soon as he heard Richie, he stopped doing so, a broad smile on his lips. The sight managed to reassure Richie a bit. Eddie was genuinely happy to see him, it wasn't something that he was able to fake convincingly. Smiling like that, it must have meant that he was handling whatever happened to him much better than he did on other occasions.</p><p>Eddie whined, opening his arms. Richie was more than enjoyed to join him, pulling Eddie into a tight hug.</p><p>"Hey, Eds. Are you okay? What's up with the cheek? You look like Rocky Balboa."</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow at Richie's words, confused. Richie gasped dramatically, ruffling Eddie's hair:</p><p>"Come on, you haven't seen the Rocky movies yet? Scandal! Heresy! We'll fix that very soon, promise. Long story short, he's a boxer and… yeah, he took quite a few punches."</p><p>Richie put his index finger under Eddie's chin, inviting him to raise his head a little more. It wasn't pretty. It seemed treated, though. His parents wouldn't just let him in this state without giving him proper care. Richie could count on them for that. They genuinely loved Eddie and cared for him. He wanted to think that they were feeling the same for him, but he wondered if they would really still love him if he told them about his sexuality…</p><p>Chasing those thoughts as quickly as possible, Richie focused on Eddie, kissing him on the forehead.</p><p>"Your therapy session has been quite intense, right?"</p><p>Eddie nodded. Yawning, he took his lightwriter, typing carefully on it:</p><p>"<em>We talked about mommy. Difficult." </em></p><p>Richie grimaced, caressing Eddie's hair gently, hugging him tightly. Of course, it was difficult. Sonia Kaspbrak abused him in ways Richie was absolutely sure he barely knew about. How she infantilized him, forced him to be a prop to her sick ploy in order to be loved and respected as a mother, lied to him constantly… The tiny bits Richie had been able to witness were already too much for him to handle.</p><p>But Eddie was the one who lived through it. Who survived it. He was so strong, smiling despite everything he had to handle, thriving in his own way. Progressively, he was breaking himself free from his mother's influence, her brainwashing, but the process was long and ought to be painful. Kissing Eddie once again, Richie whispered to his ear:</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>Eddie clearly hesitated, but he nodded, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>Not everything. Don't want to be triggered. Dr. Park said I should rest and allow myself to think about something else. But I wanna talk with you about it. Just a bit." </em></p><p>"That's fine by me, Eds. So, uh, what do you want to talk about?"</p><p>Eddie didn't seem to know where to start. His fingers were hovering over his lightwriter's keys, unable to begin a sentence, to know what he was going to tell Richie. He had to grab his plush and hug it firmly to finally find the courage to type, eyes fleeting, hands trembling slightly:</p><p>"<em>Talked about before. When mom gave me those pills and all. And my inhaler. It was easier to talk about that." </em></p><p>Richie could understand. It was still abuse, but that was something Eddie had been used to since his childhood or so. At this point, he had never lived any other way. The meds were a familiar ritual he could rely on. He had managed to convince himself that his inhaler was helping with his anxiety attacks, even though it was clearly not the case. He spent more time in his life being treated like a sick kid than being infantilized and showed off proudly to anyone willing to believe Sonia Kaspbrak's lies about him.</p><p>"<em>Still a lot. Started to think about what happened to mommy and I had to slap my face. Dr. Park managed to stop me, but I already hurt myself. Bad. I shouldn't have done that." </em></p><p>Richie hugged Eddie, shushing him softly:</p><p>"Shh, don't say that. You're not bad. Your mom, it's a triggering topic. It's hard. I can't say I know what you went through, but I've been triggered quite a few times during my own sessions. I even threw up in Dr. Norton's trashcan at some point."</p><p>Eddie scrunched up his nose at his words, with a face that clearly expressed "Gross" without him having to even type it. Richie chuckled, rocking Eddie gently, happy to notice how he melted in his arms, a relaxed humming escaping his throat:</p><p>"I'm dealing with that kind of thing a bit better now. Well, not in a praiseworthy way, but it's less bad, I guess. You need to cut yourself some slack. It's okay if you don't handle it like a champ on the first try. You don't have to. You shouldn't have to."</p><p>Eddie nodded, showing that he had understood what Richie meant. He didn't seem decided to say more about his mother and his session, so Richie dropped the subject, not wanting to push Eddie too much. He would confide whenever he felt like it and if he wanted to. As much as he wanted to bear Eddie's burden with him, Richie knew that there were many things that might always stay between him and his therapist, probably for the best. Richie could only be there and support him as much as possible.</p><p>Eddie asked him about his workday, and Richie responded to him, skipping every moment Eddie had been discussed. He didn't have to hear that. He didn't have to know that. Eddie listened to him attentively, dropping his plush to grip Richie's clothes, fidgeting gently with the fabric. At the end of his speech, Richie showed him the VHS he borrowed, and Eddie clearly perked up, especially when he noticed that his boyfriend had taken a western movie for him. He flapped his hands enthusiastically, moaning happily.</p><p>Richie couldn't help, but think about how his boss and his colleague would have reacted, if they saw Eddie acting that way. To him, it was just endearing. He loved seeing Eddie happy and freely expressing his positive feelings, his whole body talking in ways his vocal cords couldn't. But Richie knew very well how they would frame Eddie's behavior, how they would see him. And he hated it. He hated them so much for that. Eddie wasn't a child. He wasn't a re… He wasn't like that.</p><p>He was an autistic adult, his Eddie Spaghetti, and Richie loved him dearly. As much as he wished he wouldn't have had to go through what he had to handle, Richie never wanted him to be anyone else than who he was. He was the Eddie Kaspbrak Richie knew and adored…</p><p>Eddie poked his cheek, and Richie snapped back to reality, noticing that Eddie had tried to say something to him. Patiently, Eddie used his lightwriter again, looking at Richie with expecting eyes:</p><p>"<em>Can I come with you to your work tomorrow?" </em></p><p>Richie grimaced at his words. Eddie pursed his lips at his expression, guessing what would be the answer. He typed on his device, clearly pouting:</p><p>"<em>You told me that I could. I'm not working tomorrow. I want to be with you." </em></p><p>"Yeah, but… uh… it's… it's noisy… people keep chatting… you wouldn't like it there."</p><p> Richie was stammering, fiddling with his glasses, clearly uneasy and unable to lie convincingly. Eddie bit his bottom lip, getting away from Richie's hug to face him, a deadly serious expression on his face:</p><p>"<em>Don't lie. I don't like it when you're lying to me. And you know it. Why don't you want me to come? What happened?" </em></p><p>"I… It's just… uh..."</p><p>"<em>Richie, please." </em></p><p>Eddie took his hand, squeezing it tightly. Richie sighed. He didn't want him to know. But he didn't have a choice in the matter. He didn't have to detail everything, but… but he had to inform him. To let him know why it would be best for him to stay at home.</p><p>"Hmm… My… My boss is going to infantilize you, if you come. And my colleague's probably gonna ask stuff. Private stuff. Stuff that your mom put in her books."</p><p>He didn't want Eddie to have a meltdown because of the awful things she might tell him. And he didn't want to force him to handle his boss's misguided attempt at kindness either. Eddie had been mistreated so much in his life. Could they just leave him alone now? Or finally notice how awesome and amazing he was?</p><p>Eddie pondered on Richie's words, rocking slightly, humming thoughtfully. At some point, he slid his fingers in his mouth, sucking on them. Richie was a bit scared that he might bite on them, but he merely soothed himself as he always did, finally taking the time to answer:</p><p>"<em>It's okay. I can handle it. I have to get used to it. People will treat me like that constantly." </em></p><p>"Eds..."</p><p> Richie's throat had closed up at his words. He tried to say something, anything, but Eddie stopped him, using his lightwriter before Richie managed to find the proper words he wanted to use:</p><p>"<em>It's</em> <em>true, don't deny it. Most people will just take one look at me, and they'll think that I'm hopeless. They'll talk to you exclusively because they'll think I don't understand them. That's how it is and that's how it's always gonna be." </em></p><p>Richie was definitely upset by Eddie's words, but Eddie seemed resigned. Not in a sad way, just like he made peace with this idea. He played with his boyfriend's fingers, using his other hand to type:</p><p>"<em>That's okay. I mean, it's not, but you know. I used to just accept it because I thought it was right. Now, I need to get used to hearing this kind of thing, when I know it's wrong. And I'm ready to fight back if necessary. To let them know that they're wrong. But I need you to trust me for that." </em></p><p>Eddie smiled gently at Richie, who was trying to remain calm, despite the nervous tears he could feel trying to come out:</p><p>"<em>You can't protect me forever. You need to trust me to handle this kind of stuff. If we're moving out at some point, I'm gonna have to spend some time on my own too and I need to know that you're not gonna constantly worry about me, Richie. Okay?" </em></p><p>Richie nodded silently. What could he say? Eddie was right. He needed to trust him. He knew that he was strong and that he was able to handle much more than everyone thought he could. But he didn't want him to be hurt ever again, not after everything he went through.</p><p>"I… I know that I can't protect you, Eds. That you need to fight your own battles. I just… I just wish you didn't have to face so many obstacles, you know? You deserve so much better."</p><p>Eddie brought Richie's hand to his lips, kissing it delicately. Richie felt himself blushing slightly at the tender gesture. Eddie always knew how to make him squirm, that was for sure…</p><p>"<em>You can protect me sometimes, Richie. I like to feel safe in your arms and to know that you're there for me. I'm protecting you too, you know? But I know that I can't fight your battles for you and I need you to understand the same for me. You're my boyfriend, not my caregiver, not my parent, not any of those things. Alright?" </em></p><p>Toning down his overprotective side, it wasn't going to be easy… But Richie was going to do his best. For Eddie. He still grimaced, asking with a hesitant voice:</p><p>"You're sure you want to do that tomorrow, Eds? I mean..."</p><p>Eddie shrugged.</p><p>"<em>The earlier, the better, right? They'll see me, the real deal, they'll stop pestering you with their remarks. I hope so, anyway. I can handle a few insensitive comments, trust me." </em></p><p>"I trust you, Eds. I promise."</p><p>Eddie smiled happily, getting closer to Richie, resting his forehead against his. Richie loved it so much, whenever he and Eddie were close like that, as if they were only one. Eddie kissed him first, even though Richie really wanted to do so. He snorted and pulled off when Richie jokingly and gently nibbled on his bottom lip, chuckling as if Richie just tickled him. Which was probably not too far off.</p><p>"<em>What was that?" </em></p><p>"I don't know, I tried something. Did you like it?"</p><p>Eddie laughed, wiping his lip, getting familiar with the strange feeling. He poked Richie on the cheek, curling up against him:</p><p>"<em>You're so weird." </em></p><p>Richie nodded at his words, hugging Eddie lovingly. He was okay with being weird. Especially since Eddie seemed to like that about him...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm guessing my new OCs aren't going to click with you the way Liz did xD. I just thought it was important to portray the different ways ableism could manifest and how Eddie knew that he would have to deal with that from now on. Now that he starts to like himself, it's getting harder to handle people treating him badly, something he knows now that he doesn't deserve to have to go through. But he's determined and he's not going to let anyone walk all over him anymore. </p><p>As for Richie, he clearly needs to learn to trust him to be strong enough to face his own battles all alone from times to times. It's just hard to let go of that mother hen side of his, especially with everything that happened to them. But he's learning x).</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos. I hope you're all okay and doing fine c:. Thanks again for being here after all this time. Take care and see you soon!</p><p>Edit: Oh, I almost forgot! I started a Reddie specific blog on Tumblr. Here's the link if you're interested c: http://reddie-4-more.tumblr.com/ </p><p>Thank you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone, I hope you're doing okay! Thank you for being here. I'm glad to see some of you back in the comments, to know that you seemed okay. Take care of you and don't exhaust yourself, okay?</p><p>Anyway, here's the eleventh chapter. I hope you'll like it! Here are the trigger warnings for this one:</p><p>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for mention of homophobia<br/>TW for mention of infantilization</p><p>I think that's all. Don't hesitate to let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were back home. Eddie was a bit ashamed to admit it, especially since he could see that Richie wasn't totally at ease with the idea, but he was awfully relieved to be here again. After a short moment for him to adjust back, Eddie had fallen back into old patterns and felt way more relaxed, zoning out less often, being able to calm himself down more easily whenever he was getting worked up by something.</p><p>He couldn't even bring himself to be scared by Bowers, unlike Richie, who was clearly nervous that he might attempt another break-in at some point. Here, Eddie felt strong. It was his place, his home, and he would defend it fiercely. His house and those who lived in it, Eddie would protect them no matter what. Maybe it was a bit naive of him, but Eddie felt brave enough to take on the whole world if they wanted to steal away from him what he loved so much.</p><p>He tried to be there for Richie, as much as he could, offering him his discreet support whenever they had to venture out of their room, expressing his love in ways that suited his partner as soon as they were hidden from the rest of the world. Eddie did his best to be mindful of Richie's boundaries, not wanting to hurt him by pushing too much when he wasn't ready for that. It was difficult to know how to walk this fine line.</p><p>There were things that Richie would be okay with one day and not the next. Eddie didn't really get it, but he wasn't about to force Richie to do something if he didn't want to do so. He knew way too much what that could do to a person, and he refused to be for Richie what his mother had been, albeit in different ways.</p><p>He just had to be patient and attentive. To stop whenever Richie said "no" or when Eddie could see that he was upset. It wasn't always easy to notice, Richie was very good at hiding his discomfort and Eddie had trouble deciphering his facial expressions. But Eddie was okay with that. If only Richie could trust him enough to allow himself to be vulnerable, to accept his difficulties and know that it didn't make him less…</p><p>Even though it was more complicated than what the movies had shown him of love, Eddie wouldn't give that away for anything in the world. He loved Richie too much for that. He cherished the times where they would hold hands, hug, look at each other like they were both the most precious treasure this planet ever carried… The sexual aspect was just a bonus. And if they had to let that go for Richie to be at ease, then Eddie would do it. No questions asked.</p><p>But now wasn't the time to ask himself those questions. After they had been able to adjust back to their daily life, Richie and Eddie had reinvested their workplace. Eddie was only working a day per week, but Richie was scheduled to work most days of the week. It was the first time they would spend so much time apart. And it felt weird, but Eddie knew that it was for the best. If he wanted to be able to move out, he had to get used to the idea that he and Richie wouldn't be together as much as before. That Richie would need to work, and maybe he would have to do that as well, more than what he was now.</p><p>Eddie had to get comfortable with a lot of things before he's going to be able to leave his home for a new one, but he was determined to find the strength. He wanted nothing more than to be happy with Richie, and this goal clearly necessitated that they left Derry behind at some point. Most of the Losers already did so, except for them and Mike. They probably should talk to him about it and see if they could convince him to leave as well. This town had nothing to offer to Mike, and the few things he had could easily be found somewhere else. They just had to make him realize that…</p><p>Right now, Eddie was waiting on his therapist to arrive, fiddling with his lightwriter, Maggie sitting next to him and chatting him up energetically. He missed her. He missed Went and Maggie so much. They were now an essential part of his life, and them being out of the picture so suddenly had been quite jarring. Especially Maggie, since they spent most of their days on their own, enjoying the presence of the other.</p><p>He felt her hand in his hair, and he sighed happily, Maggie smiling at the sight.</p><p>"I'm so glad you're here. It hasn't been the same without you or Richie. I missed you."</p><p>"<em>I also missed you. And Went too." </em></p><p>She caressed his hair a bit longer, before withdrawing her hand, looking at him with eyes full of affection. She hesitated for an instant, trying to find the words for what she wanted to say:</p><p>"Do you… I mean… Is Richie okay? He's been a bit… how can I put it? A bit weird since you both came back. He'd probably tell you if he had a problem, right?"</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip. He was really tempted to just let the cat out of the bag and see how Maggie would react. Maybe he had too much faith in the Toziers, but he honestly thought that Maggie and Went would accept them as they were. That they would accept their relationship and let them live their life however Richie and Eddie wanted to. But he made a promise, and he wasn't going to break it. He promised Richie.</p><p>Eddie shrugged and Maggie let out a heavy sigh, putting her hand on his:</p><p>"Sometimes, it can be hard to reach out to Richie. To get him to open up. He's stubborn, and he doesn't like to be cared for too much. He probably thinks that it's making him weak. But I just want the best for him. I want him to be happy."</p><p>And that's what Eddie wanted to. It would only take a few words, and this weight would be lifted from his shoulders. Richie could know that the love his parents felt for him wasn't conditional. But it was his choice to make, and Eddie wasn't going to take it away from him. For a moment, he held Maggie's hand in his, before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>You should talk to Richie directly. Tell him what you just told me." </em></p><p>That she wanted the best for him. That she wanted him happy. He needed to know that, and he needed it to be true, no matter what. Maggie was about to retort something, but it was too late. Dr. Park was here. Enthusiast, Eddie got up and ran towards the door, opening it and using his lightwriter proudly to salute her:</p><p>"<em>Hello, Dr. Park. It's nice to see you again. I hope your holidays were nice." </em></p><p>Eddie flapped his hands, swaying on his feet, more than happy to show off his device and how smoothly he could talk, now that he was using it properly. His therapist seemed genuinely impressed, looking at the device, then at Eddie, offering him a sweet smile:</p><p>"I'm glad to see you too, Edward. My holidays were great, thank you for asking."</p><p>She greeted Mrs. Tozier as well, before following Eddie to his room, where they would be at peace to speak and start their session. Eddie sat on the bed, cross-legged, fiddling with his lightwriter. Oh, he had so much he wanted to say! He didn't even know where to start… Or maybe he did. Even before she was installed properly, Eddie immediately blurted, typing quickly on his device:</p><p>"<em>I'm dating Richie!" </em></p><p>His therapist was surprised, to say the least. Eddie wasn't really sure how to interpret her facial expression, but he didn't care about it for now, too happy to tell her how it all happened. Their kiss under the water, how he confessed once again and Richie reciprocated, and how happy all of it was making him feel. Between the feeling of pride he felt towards his lightwriter and how overjoyed he was about his relationship with Richie, Eddie was getting too excited, humming loudly, agitating his legs.</p><p>His breathing started to get wheezy when Dr. Park interrupted him, guiding him into a relaxation exercise. Trusting her completely, Eddie complied, managing to calm his overwhelming feelings, to not work himself up to a meltdown. Once they were finished, Eddie started to suck on his fingers to soothe himself, using his other hand to type on his device:</p><p>"<em>I really love Richie. We're taking things slowly because it's better that way." </em></p><p>"That's probably for the best." Dr. Park smiled gently, looking reassured by the fact that Eddie was clearly happy and not coerced into doing something he wasn't ready to. "There's no need to rush those things. You're both young, you have all the time in the world to figure out all of this. And I'm available for any questions that you might have, of course. I'll do my best to help you with that."</p><p>Eddie nodded, relieved to know that he could count on her. He really liked his therapist and being able to talk to her about his relationship safely, knowing that he could ask her anything, even if it seemed silly, it was truly reassuring.</p><p>"<em>It's</em> <em>a secret for now. We told our friends, but not Richie's parents. Richie doesn't want to." </em></p><p>Eddie let his fingers hovering over the keys, but he decided to stop his sentence there, a bit uneasy. Observant, she completed it for him, knowing what he was trying to say:</p><p>"… But you don't understand why, right?"</p><p>Eddie blushed and nodded, letting out an embarrassed whine.</p><p>"<em>Went and Maggie are the nicest people I know. Went has been a bit clumsy with his words when Bowers intruded our room, but he means well." </em></p><p>Dr. Park raised an eyebrow at his words, looking at him with a concerned gaze:</p><p>"I'm sorry to change the subject, but what do you mean by "Bowers intruded our room"? He's your childhood bully, if I remember it correctly?"</p><p>Eddie nodded and proceeded to tell her what happened. She seemed horrified and worried, two expressions Eddie wasn't used to seeing on his therapist's face.</p><p>"Edward, have you warned anyone about what happened?"</p><p>Eddie shrugged. They did call the police, but they treated it as a "stupid prank" and they wouldn't follow through. He knew very well why. Bowers had always been able to avoid any kind of punishment, thanks to his father. Eddie knew how the man treated his son afterward, he had seen Bowers sporting bruises that looked awfully painful. But that wasn't how this kind of thing should be handled, how Henry Bowers should be treated, no matter how much Eddie hated him.</p><p>But there wasn't much he could do. Eddie could only hope for the best and try his best to adjust to the idea of moving out. That's what he told his therapist, who nodded, while still looking worried. She sighed, composing her professional face once again:</p><p>"Then we'll work on that as much as possible, alright? The sooner you leave this town, the better it'll be for Richard and you. You need to involve yourself fully in this process. Think about where you'd like to settle in, the kind of accommodation that might be useful to you in the long term, and the places you would like to live in… The more control you'll get on all of this, the more you'll feel at ease with the idea of moving out."</p><p>A kind smile on her lips, she added:</p><p>"For so long, people have decided for you what you should do, where you should live, and how you should act. You're now free to choose your own path, Edward. It must be exciting. And pretty scary too, I suppose."</p><p>Eddie grimaced at her words. She wasn't wrong. As thrilling his future seemed to be, it was full of details that he wasn't able to grasp. He knew that so many things would change, that he would make mistakes, and that he wouldn't be able to rely on an authority figure to pull him out of this. Eddie wasn't used to that. His mother always handled his problems for him, and, as much as the Toziers were trying to help him gain autonomy, he was still relying on them a lot in his daily life. Something he wouldn't be able to do when he and Richie would leave Derry, living on their own…</p><p>"So, before I changed the subject, we were talking about the fact that you didn't understand Richard's reluctance to talk to his parents about your relationship. Let's try to frame that into something that you experienced yourself, alright? It'll probably be easier for you to get it, that way."</p><p>She took a minute to think about the subject, before asking Eddie:</p><p>"When people know about your autism, they tend to act differently, I'm guessing?"</p><p>Eddie sighed and nodded. Of course, they did. As soon as they saw him acting in a "disabled way" or noticed that he was nonverbal, their whole demeanor changed.</p><p>"<em>They're</em> <em>treating me like a baby. They're talking to me or about me as if I can't understand them." </em></p><p>"But that's not something they would do if they didn't know about your autism, right? People tend to be prejudiced towards what they're not experiencing themselves directly, whether it's disability in general, sexual orientation, race, or else. When given a piece of information, they will act a certain way according to what they think they know about it. When it comes to your disability, they're immediately assuming that you're unable to get them and that you need them to "dumb" down their words in order to understand them. That's the same with Richard."</p><p>She bit her bottom lip quickly, composing herself a more neutral expression afterward:</p><p>"You heard the kind of slurs that some people might use, based on your sexuality. You've both experienced the violent side of prejudice. But sometimes, it's not that blatant, but it still hurts. I don't think Richard is afraid that his parents might beat him up for his sexuality, for your relationship. But they might have some ideas that could clash with the love they have for their son."</p><p>"<em>But they're so nice! And if they really love Richie, then it shouldn't matter, right?" </em></p><p>"I really hope it's the case, Edward. I really do. But no matter how nice a person seems to be, you can't be absolutely sure that they're not prejudiced against something or someone. You immediately trusted me and told me about Richard and your relationship, but I could have acted very differently. I could have told you that there was something wrong with you, that you needed another kind of therapy to deal with your "urges". Which is not how I'm thinking about any of this. My objective is for you to be happy and able to stand on your own, no matter what it's implying. If being with Richard makes you happy, then I'm encouraging your relationship, and I'll gladly talk about it with you."</p><p>Dr. Park took a deep breath, while Eddie was trying to process her words. He hadn't thought for one second that she might do something like that. But she could have. And she could have told Richie's parents as well. Eddie whined, sucking nervously on his fingers. He was too trusting. Too naive. He shouldn't be.</p><p>"You're assuming the best of most people you're coming across. That's a precious mindset to have, Edward, but you should always take the time to think about what you feel comfortable sharing or not and with whom. But that's not something you should feel guilty about or try to get rid of altogether. It means that you have a kind heart and it's a good thing. I assure you."</p><p>Eddie nodded, but he wasn't totally convinced. He just wanted the best for Richie, but if he caused him trouble by being too careless and naive… He sighed, rocking slightly, trying to get a grip on his feelings. He needed to be more careful. He had to.</p><p>For a while, they talked about Eddie's holidays, his friends, what happened during all this time Dr. Park and he hadn't been able to see each other. Eddie managed to relax a little, to get less upset about what they talked about previously, but that wasn't going to last for long. Dr. Park decided to lead the conversation into a territory Eddie wasn't sure he was ready to cross:</p><p>"I'm glad to see you're doing well. Richard kept me updated after your catatonic episode, but I'm relieved that I can finally talk to you face to face. Do you remember what happened?"</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He had flashes of the talk show Richie put on for him and, if he focused really hard, he could hear him sob, but he wasn't sure if he was merely imagining it, based on what Richie told him, or if he really remembered.</p><p>"<em>No. Richie told me. I remember we had a fight. And I woke up in our bed at some point. But nothing much between those two events. I don't like this feeling at all." </em></p><p>"Your anxiety went through the roof and was too much for you to handle. When Richard snapped at you, it was the tipping point. Your brain basically said "no, I can't anymore" and cut you from the rest of the world for a while. We have to work on making sure it doesn't happen anymore. This means that you have to learn to be more aware of your own feelings and allow yourself to rely on your friends or other people you can trust whenever you feel that things are too much. But working on coping techniques will only take you so far. We need to address the root of your issues."</p><p>Eddie knew what she was going to say. And he didn't want to hear it. He whimpered, almost begging her not to do it, when Dr. Park told him, with a compassionate expression on her face:</p><p>"I think it's time we really start to talk about your mother, Edward."</p><p>His reaction was immediate. He put his hands on his ears, as a reflex, and shook his head, a scared whine slipping from his lips. He didn't want to. He wanted to forget. It hurt too much. What good would it do? He just needed to leave it behind. To not think about it anymore. It was too much. Too complicated. He didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to deal with the feelings he was holding for his mom. Eddie was too ashamed for that. Too confused.</p><p>Dr. Park gently put her hand on Eddie's leg to get his attention. She had written on a piece of paper, knowing that he might not hear her correctly if she tried to talk:</p><p>
  <em> We'll be doing that at your pace. We'll talk about whatever you're comfortable sharing. Whenever you want to change the subject, we'll do it. It's going to get easier progressively, I swear. </em>
</p><p>She granted him a gentle smile, and, slowly, Eddie put down his hands, picking at his skin, humming nervously. He looked at her shortly, before typing hesitantly:</p><p>"<em>It's</em><em> necessary, right?" </em></p><p>"I'm afraid it is, Edward. Your mother has been a crucial part of your life. You need to be able to frame the events related to her how they really are and not how she wanted you to perceive them. Being able to free yourself from her influence will be necessary to truly allow you to move on and start a new life with your partner."</p><p>Eddie moaned nervously, hugging himself, rubbing his arms in an attempt to soothe himself. She let him do so, as long as he wasn't directly hurting himself.</p><p>"This process, it's going to be painful and messy. It might set you back, but know that I'll always be there to help and to keep you safe and steady. I can be physically present, and you can also call me whenever you need it, just like Richard did. If we're starting to do that, it's because I trust that you're ready to handle it. To get through that. I'm sincere. You progressed a lot since the first time we met. You can be proud, Edward."</p><p>He smiled weakly at her words, too anxious to truly let the feeling get to him. He'll be happy about it another time, but for now… He was just scared. He took a deep breath, rocking back and forth, using the soothing motion to organize his thoughts. After a while, he finally typed, a bit ashamed:</p><p>"<em>I don't want to talk about what happened when I left Derry. I'm okay to talk about before." </em></p><p>"It's fine with me." Dr. Park instantly reassured him, a soft smile on her lips. "It's a beginning. And it's your recovery. You're handling it however you feel most comfortable to. If you don't feel like talking about her during one of our sessions, then we won't. But for now, we'll talk about your mother and your relationship with her when you were younger. Would you like me to direct this discussion and ask you some questions, or do you want to start it yourself?"</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>First option. I don't know where to start." </em></p><p>"It's fine. It's perfectly okay. I'll help you, and then, we'll see how it goes, alright? So, first thing first, can you relate me a typical day for you and your mother? Whether it's a weekend day or a school day, walk me through it."</p><p>And Eddie did. He started by his weekdays, explaining how his mother would always drive him to school no matter what, fastening his seatbelt for him, insisting for him to be openly affectionate to her.</p><p>"It must have been pretty embarrassing when you became older."</p><p>Eddie nodded, his cheeks reddening. He remembered how ashamed he felt, how angry he was against everyone else, and mostly himself, because she kept treating him like a child, even when he was a teenager.</p><p>"<em>The others, they laughed at me, they called me names. I didn't like it, so I insulted them, and I even tried to fight some of them. I know it's not a good thing, but no one was reacting, and I didn't know how to deal with my feelings." </em></p><p>"I'm never going to discourage you from defending yourself, Edward. If you can deal with your problem, whatever it is, without relying on violence, then you should definitely do so. But sometimes, you don't have much of a choice. And you need to think about your own safety, first and foremost."</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow, surprised and confused. That wasn't what most adults told him to do. They usually told him to go to a teacher, and when he said that he already did and it didn't change a thing, they merely shrugged and told him to "get over it", whatever it meant. It was the first time an authority figure said to him that it was okay for him to defend himself. It was so… weird. But relieving at the same time.</p><p>"<em>Mom often pulled me out of school. I just had to sneeze, and she used that to keep me cooped up in my room for the rest of the week, fussing about my health. I felt fine most of the time, but whenever she got overly worried, I started to feel those symptoms she described to me, and I thought I was truly sick. I kept having what I thought were asthma attacks, and I thought my inhaler helped." </em></p><p>"It's not uncommon for people to feel like they're experiencing symptoms if they manage to convince themselves that it's the case. The brain can influence the body in many ways, and with how much your mother forced you to obsess about your own health, I'm not surprised in the slightest about what you're saying."</p><p>Eddie was still a bit obsessed with it. He was most rigid when it came to hygiene and would likely get a meltdown if he was unable to brush his teeth for one day, even if everyone told him that it was okay and that he wouldn't have any issues from that. He remembered the pictures his mom showed him, the rotten teeth, how hurtful it seemed. Never. Never.</p><p>"<em>She kept telling me that I was fragile. Right now, I know that it's not the case, but back then, I truly believed her. I thought that everything ought to hurt me, to kill me. I started to think that everyone else was, as well. That they only wanted to hurt me. I trusted my mom. I really did. I believed her when she said that she needed to be the one to wash me to make sure that I would stay healthy, when she started to feed me herself, when she..." </em></p><p>Eddie started to lose his words. His mind was getting filled with memories that he wasn't ready to handle. How much she was infantilizing him, taking away from him his autonomy bit by bit. How she dressed him up and undressed him more and more, until he wasn't allowed to do it himself anymore. How she stopped letting him wash on his own, until he forgot that he didn't need her to do so. How she took his fork for him and put it in his mouth, while he was obediently parting his lips for her to feed him. How she… How he…</p><p>"Edward, can you look at me?"</p><p>He barely understood his therapist's words. His mouth was agape, his fingers hovering over his lightwriter, having suddenly forgotten how to use it. He couldn't talk. He couldn't speak. He was too stupid for that. He needed his mommy. He needed his mommy for everything. And his mommy wasn't there. It was her birthday a few days ago, and Eddie hadn't been able to celebrate it with her. Bad, bad, bad, bad!</p><p>Eddie screeched and let go of his lightwriter, plunging his fingers deep in his scalp. He tried to call his mom, but only managed to scream out a long and desperate "Mo". He needed her, and she wasn't there. She wasn't there because Eddie was not a nice boy and he had to be. He had to! Mommy… Mommy…</p><p>Mommy was dead. Because of him. As soon as this thought hit his mind, Eddie started to slap himself, violently. Again and again and again. Dr. Park had tried to calm him down without touching him, but Eddie was too far gone. Relying on her training, she managed to stop him, leading him to close his arms around himself in a tight position, calling out to him calmly and reminding him where and when they were. He wasn't back with his mother. He wasn't a kid anymore. He was an adult, living with the people he loved, and he was safe. Safe.</p><p>At some point, Maggie entered the bedroom, trying to help, but the therapist let her know that she was controlling the situation and that she should let her handle Eddie's meltdown. Reluctantly, Mrs. Tozier left the room, while Eddie was slowly calming down, coming back to reality. He blinked multiple times, confused, tired, his cheek hurting quite a lot.</p><p>When Dr. Park knew that it was safe for her to do so, she released Eddie, and he maintained the posture she guided him to adopt, the pressure helping him to relax and get a grip on reality.</p><p>"I think we shouldn't overdo it. You started to talk, and that's very brave of you, Edward. But for now, let's breathe together, okay?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, following her instructions. He felt pretty guilty, knowing that he hurt himself when he should have been able to use the motion she taught him instead. But he didn't. He dug his fingernails in his head, and he slapped his face so hard that he could feel his cheek throbbing. He shouldn't have. He shouldn't have.</p><p>Noticing his anxiety, Dr. Park paused their exercises to reassure him:</p><p>"I told you that it was going to be hard and messy. I was expecting this kind of reaction. What you're willing to deal with is extremely complicated to handle, and your brain is trying to bring you back to a more comfortable state, when you didn't have to think much because your mother did everything for you. But you know that you're not under her influence anymore, and it's creating a conflict in your mind, in your body. My job is to help you reconcile these parts of you, and that's what we're going to do together. But one step at a time, alright? No need to rush carelessly."</p><p>Eddie managed to smile, relieved that she wasn't angry at him for hurting himself. He'll try not to, next time. Until then, he just had to breathe. Slowly, steadily. They practice their usual exercises until Eddie felt utterly relaxed and even exhausted. His eyelids seemed incredibly heavy, and he didn't understand his therapist's last words, while she was leaving him. Maggie took over, treating his cheek, covering him with his blanket. He whined for his plush, and she gave it to him, caressing his hair gently.</p><p>Eddie curled up on his bed, hugging his teddy bear, sighing and humming under Maggie's soft and comforting touch. It wasn't long before he was asleep, snoring lightly, whining here and there. He only woke up a few minutes before Richie came home, still a bit dazed. And at the end of their discussion, it was decided that Eddie would accompany him to his workplace the next day.</p><p>Eddie would lie if he said that he wasn't nervous about it. Richie's coworker would likely be openly ableist towards him, while his boss might infantilize him in a way he hadn't been used to in a while… But that was necessary. Eddie needed to confront this world and those who lived in it. To let them know that he was strong, brave, and that they were all wrong about him. But mostly, he needed to prove to himself that he could handle it. That he was now confident enough to not crumble under their words, their actions, whatever they might do or say.</p><p>He would be okay. And Richie would be proud. That was all that mattered.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm sorry, Eddie being at Richie's workplace won't happen until next chapter, I had to spend more time than I thought I would need on Eddie's therapy session. He's now starting to talk about his mother, something that he truly needs to do in order to move on from his past. And of course, he had to tell Dr. Park about his relationship with Richie, because he's just so proud of that. If he could, he would probably tell everyone x). They have a lot to discuss, but helping Eddie to deal with his past is their priority for now. If he needs to talk about his relationship though, he knows he can c:.</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter. Thank you for still being there after all this time. Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos, let me know what you thought about this chapter!</p><p>Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the twelfth chapter. Thank you for your support and your kind words. I'll keep this section short, I'm still recovering from an awful meltdown and a terrible day. Writing helped me to process it, but it probably influenced the way I wrote this chapter, so be warned. </p><p>With that said, here are the trigger warnings:</p><p>TW for ableism<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for infantilization<br/>TW for bullying<br/>TW for self-harm</p><p>I think that's all. Don't hesitate to tell me if you'd like me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Richie had kind of hoped that Eddie might have changed his mind. That, maybe, he would have thought again about his idea to accompany him to his workplace and decided that it wasn't worth it. Come on, he could have spent some time with his mom playing chess, watching the movies Richie rented for him, or he could have visited Mike! Anything would have been funnier and better than coming with him, right? Right.</p><p>But Eddie was stubborn. That's also why Richie loved so much his tiny angry gremlin. Once he had decided something, it would be pretty hard to make him change his mind, especially now that he started to be more assertive and self-assured. And Eddie really wanted to accompany him this day. Richie wouldn't be able to make him give up on this. He might as well make sure that he would go there in the best conditions, with a great mood.</p><p>Richie especially took care of Eddie during their morning ritual, massaging his scalp, kissing his skin, hugging him gently and tightly. Eddie sighed happily under his soft touch, letting out an ecstatic moan. He was squirming a little, swaying on his feet, his body expressing through his stimming how relaxed and trusting he currently was. Richie could feel his heart melt at the sight.</p><p>He just wanted to spend the rest of the day taking care of Eddie like that, massaging him, caressing his hair, hugging him, while watching one of those western movies that he loved so much. Richie would also batch some cookies for him and watch him eat them with a fond and loving gaze.</p><p>But that would have to wait for another time. For now, Richie had to end their shower, letting Eddie put on his clothes, trying to calm down the anxious feeling that was starting to rise in his mind. Putting his glasses back on his nose, Richie just had the time to finally see Eddie's face in high-definition before his boyfriend kissed him, caressing his skin. As he always did whenever he was the one taking the initiative, Richie put his hands on Eddie's face, tapping his cheek.</p><p>It was their signal for him to know that Richie was about to deepen their kiss. Eddie parted his lips to let him do so, shaking slightly under his touch. They didn't last long, mostly to avoid becoming overly excited. Once they were split, Richie realized that Eddie hadn't brushed his teeth yet and that he still took the initiative to kiss him, allowing him to penetrate his mouth with his tongue.</p><p>It was a big deal, for his germaphobic boyfriend. But Richie knew better than to point it out insistently to him. Maybe Eddie didn't notice. The less Richie reminded him of his fears, the easier it would be for him to get over it. Probably. Smiling at him, Richie took Eddie's hand, leading him out of the bathroom. His mom wasn't awoken yet, and his father was already gone for his workday, which meant that they were on their own during breakfast.</p><p>Eddie took this opportunity to sit on Richie's knees, eating breakfast in this less than practical position. But none of them really cared about how messy it was. They just wanted to be close to each other, and it seemed to be the best way. For them, anyway. Anyone mildly reasonable would probably think otherwise.</p><p>Finishing his toast, Richie hugged tightly Eddie, who almost spilled his coffee in the process. He rolled his eyes and groaned, while Richie was chuckling, letting him know cheekily:</p><p>"Hey, you could always sit on the chair over there, if you don't want to risk staining your clothes."</p><p>Putting his mug on the table, Eddie turned his head towards Richie, granting him a jaded look, before shaking his head, moaning disapprovingly and using his lightwriter to communicate:</p><p>"<em>No. If I'm staining your clothes, it's your fault. You just have to be still. A comfortable seat." </em></p><p>Richie let out an offended gasp, putting his hand dramatically over his forehead:</p><p>"What? Am I nothing but a piece of furniture for you? Eddie Spaghetti, I'm so deeply hurt!"</p><p>A playful smile on his lips, Richie hugged Eddie a bit more, shaking him gently back and forth:</p><p>"From now on, I'm your rocking chair. Still want to drink your coffee like that, Eds? Hey, I can also be a massage seat, for the right price!"</p><p>Richie poked at Eddie's ribs, and his partner snorted and laughed, putting his hand over his mouth and squirming on his knees. He tried to use his lightwriter, but didn't manage to make it say anything understandable, giggling too much.</p><p>Richie stopped it quickly, not wanting Eddie to be too agitated before they left. He just loved to hear him laugh so much… And that little snort, that always seemed to make Eddie blush… Richie just adored it. He was almost cooing, just hearing this sound. Guiding Eddie into a breathing technique so that he would calm down, Richie rested his head against his partner's body, appreciating to feel him against him. If only they could stay like that…</p><p>But they had to leave. Once they were ready, Richie led Eddie to his car, opening the door for him. Eddie rolled his eyes, but it was with an enamored face that he told him:</p><p>"<em>My knight in shining armor." </em></p><p>Richie laughed at his words, sitting next to him, turning on the car:</p><p>"Hey, no, don't get it wrong. You're my knight in shining armor, remember? I'm merely your devoted squire."</p><p>"<em>Bullshit." </em></p><p>Richie chuckled even more, hearing the robotic voice swearing like that. He certainly didn't regret insisting for Eddie's lightwriter to let him express himself as roughly as he would like it. He couldn't imagine how his partner might have felt if his communication had been restricted like that, just because they thought that someone like him shouldn't be allowed to swear… If Eddie wanted to cuss like a sailor, nothing should prevent him from doing so. And certainly not the device that was supposed to help him express himself.</p><p>The drive wasn't long. If it wasn't for Bowers, Richie would have gladly walked with Eddie to his workplace, but he couldn't risk it. Even now, he was antsy, looking all around him before opening the door and letting Eddie know that he could leave the car as well. Okay, they were there. Deep breaths. Richie patted Eddie's head, grimacing slightly while thinking about what might happen once they'll be in the video store:</p><p>"Eds, I'm sorry if anything goes wrong. If they're not decent with you. You don't deserve that."</p><p>Eddie shrugged at his words. He seemed calm, but Richie had learned to see the more subtle ways his partner could express his nervousness, when he wasn't yet in full-blown meltdown. Pulling on the soft cord around his neck, who was allowing him to bear the lightwriter's weight without having to carry it constantly, Eddie used his other hand to tell Richie:</p><p>"<em>I know what I'm getting into. You're not responsible. I am. Don't intervene if I don't specifically ask you to do so, okay?" </em></p><p>Richie grimaced even more. What if Sarah insulted him as she did the day before? What if his boss started to baby talk to him? Richie was just supposed to let them do so?</p><p>"<em>Please, Richie." </em></p><p>Richie sighed. He couldn't resist to Eddie's puppy eyes. He reluctantly promised that he wouldn't intervene, knowing fully well that he wouldn't stay on the sidelines if it was clear that Eddie was losing control of the situation. He was willing to let him fight his own battles, not to abandon him while he was having a meltdown. In front of an audience, nonetheless.</p><p>Okay, they were entering. Sarah wasn't here yet, but his boss was. Richie had warned him that Eddie would be there and the man greeted them with a bright smile:</p><p>"Hello, Richie! And that's Eddie, right? I'm Randy, nice to meet you!"</p><p>The tall man put his hands on his knees, bending slightly to look at Eddie, who was visibly cringing at this moment:</p><p>"Are you happy to be here?" Richie's boss asked, using a chirpy tone to address Eddie. He turned his head towards Richie, wondering:</p><p>"Is he happy? I can't really tell. Do you think he'd like candies?"</p><p>Richie was about to say something, when Eddie used his lightwriter to express himself, interrupting his train of thoughts:</p><p>"<em>Hello, Sir. Thank you for letting me stay here today. I'm feeling just fine and I don't want candies. They cause cavities, which might lead to teeth decaying. But it's very nice of you to have offered so." </em></p><p>Richie clearly noticed that Eddie took a bit more of his time to type proper sentences and eloquent words, establishing right away that he clearly understood what was said to him and that he could answer as well. Richie's boss seemed a bit taken aback by this answer, clearing his throat, inviting Eddie to either sit on a nearby chair or to check out the shelves to see what was in store. While Eddie was looking at the VHS, amazed to see all of them neatly shelved, Randy took Richie aside, asking him, his tone laced with curiosity:</p><p>"Did you rehearse or something? He doesn't seem at all like he was on TV or in the newspaper."</p><p>Richie sighed, fiddling with his glasses. This day was going to be long, very long…</p><p>"No, we didn't rehearse. Eddie can express himself without any help, and he can understand you as well. If you have other questions like this one, go ask him directly. He'll either answer you or tell you to fuck off if he's getting cranky. Don't take it the wrong way, though."</p><p>His boss chuckled nervously. Richie knew that another person might have gotten upset by his words or that he could even have experienced some trouble, but Randy wasn't like that. He wasn't a bad person, he was just… clueless. Awfully clueless and prejudiced.</p><p>"O… Okay, I won't. I let you handle the cash register, Richie."</p><p>Richie nodded, focusing on his work, giving a few looks here and there to Eddie. His partner was intensely focused on a VHS box set, reading the summary. It was a movie titled "Maverick", which was, of course, a western picture. Richie chuckled at the sight, especially seeing Eddie's awed expression and how his free hand started to flap happily, something he didn't seem to have noticed yet.</p><p>"You can rent it if you want, Eds. We'll watch it tonight."</p><p>Eddie jumped at his words, his focus breaking. He needed a bit more time for Richie's sentence to make fully sense in his brain, but once it did, Eddie whined enthusiastically, flapping his hand even more, bouncing on his feet. Strangely enough, Richie's boss seemed more at ease with this version of Eddie, immediately going back to his previous behavior, as if he had totally forgotten what his employee had just told him:</p><p>"You like cow-boys, champ?"</p><p>Eddie was too overwhelmed by his happy feeling to notice how Randy had started to infantilize him once again. He was just too joyful at the idea to indulge in one of his favorite hobbies, especially with Richie at his sides. He could pull on his sleeve at his favorite scenes, laugh at Richie's poor attempt at a Texan accent and just enjoy this moment with him, without a care in the world.</p><p>He only answered by cooing enthusiastically, hugging the VHS against his chest with a big smile. He didn't hold this expression for too long, Randy taking the initiative to suddenly ruffle his hair. Eddie wasn't expecting that. Strangers didn't touch him like that anymore. Only Richie and his parents, as well as his friends. Not good. Not a good touch. Rough. Unwanted. He whined, taking a step back and caressing his own hair nervously as if to erase Richie's boss's touch.</p><p>Richie hesitated to intervene, Randy looking uneasy, Eddie starting to scratch his scalp harshly. But he seemed to get a hold of himself, breathing deeply, hugging the VHS that he just rented tightly. Biting his bottom lip, Eddie typed on his lightwriter, informing Richie's boss:</p><p>"<em>Don't</em> <em>touch me. I don't like to be touched." </em></p><p>"Yeah, uh, sorry for that. I just… I..."</p><p>Randy stammered, clearly at a loss with what he supposed to do or to say right now. He was relieved when the door opened, revealing a customer. He immediately jumped on the opportunity to greet them, while Richie was signaling to Eddie to approach. He registered Eddie's rent, smiling apologetically:</p><p>"Sorry for Randy. Are you okay?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, smiling him back, his expression slightly forced:</p><p>"<em>Don't</em> <em>worry. I'm handling it. Thank you for the movie. Have you seen it already?" </em></p><p>"Not this one. I'll discover it with you this evening, if you're up for it."</p><p>Eddie gave him a thumbs-up as an answer, before going back to skimming the shelves, looking for other movies that might interest him. While he was doing so, Richie noticed that his boss was finished with his customer and that the man didn't seem particularly interested in the movies he could rent. He was looking at Eddie intently, while Eddie was focused on what he was doing, caressing the VHS boxes' backs with his fingertips, humming softly under his breath. For fuck's sake… As soon as the man got near Richie, he knew that he wasn't about to ask him for advice on their movies:</p><p>"It's Eddie Kaspbrak, right? That's crazy, he's just like on TV. Can you keep him here or something? My camera is in my flat nearby, I just want to take a picture. I bet I could sell it to the Derry Herald for a nice price."</p><p>Richie did everything he could to keep his professional voice and not flip out at the man, who was awakening a part of him that Richie knew should stay dormant:</p><p>"Are you here to rent a movie or are you leaving, Sir? If you're bothering our customers, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."</p><p>"I… uh… I'm here for a movie, of course! I… uh… let me just check around here, right?"</p><p>The customer took a step back, trying to immerse himself in his search, his gaze being inevitably attracted to Eddie in the process. Richie sighed deeply, a smile taking place on his face once his partner finally noticed the customer's behavior and gave him the middle finger as an answer. Still feisty, his tiny angry gremlin…</p><p> The man left the store quickly, after having rented a random movie that he probably wouldn't even watch, just to avoid embarrassing himself even further. Richie ordered the mess left behind by the customer. He turned around when he felt a tap on his shoulder, taking a step back when Eddie shoved a VHS box set in his face, almost hitting him in the process:</p><p>"<em>Look, look, do you remember that?" </em></p><p>Richie grimaced, putting away the cursed tape. How could he forget? That stupid movie with that stupid clown doll… Eddie grinned at his reaction, letting him know with a cheeky expression on his face:</p><p>"<em>There's a sequel, you know? I could borrow it too! I'll watch it with you. </em>"</p><p>"That's a fantastic idea, Eddie. If you do that, you're sleeping in the attic. Permanently."</p><p>Eddie gasped at Richie's words:</p><p>"<em>That's</em> <em> so mean!" </em></p><p>"You can either remain in your room or rent the movie with the stupid clown doll. Your choice, Eddie."</p><p>Eddie pouted, crossing his arms around his chest.</p><p>"<em>You're</em> <em>no fun, Richie." </em></p><p>"Not true, and you know it. Why would you want a movie with an ugly clown when you have one living with you? A sexy clown, might I add..."</p><p>Richie heard Randy laugh at his joke. The man was used to Richie's raunchy humor and didn't think about it twice. Eddie rolled his eyes as an answer and pretended to mope, a mask he wasn't able to keep for long, too excited by what was surrounding him. Richie was just back to the cash register when the door opened once again, revealing Sarah.</p><p>He didn't know if he should have told her or not that Eddie was coming. In the end, he decided that it was best to inform her, to avoid her reacting too strongly, being caught by surprise. Randy had talked to her about her behavior, it was gonna be okay, right? Right… As if he didn't know what was going to happen.</p><p>Taking off her jacket, she saluted them, smirking while looking at Eddie, who was reading a horror movie's summary on the back of a VHS box. She took it away from him, raising her hand in the air. He whined protestingly, trying to grab it back, without much success:</p><p>"The children's section is over there, you know?"</p><p>Eddie groaned as an answer, too focused on the idea to take back his box, slipping back into the role of the bullied teenager that he used to be, as if he was facing Belch holding up his precious fanny pack. She laughed at his loud protest, letting him grab it back when her boss called her out on her behavior:</p><p>"Come on, Randy, I'm just joking, you know me. The kid already loves me."</p><p>She tried to ruffle his hair, and Eddie hissed reflexively, his body reacting despite him to people who kept trying to touch him without his consent. She pulled out her hand, a hesitant expression on her face:</p><p>"Okay, okay, I got it. Geez… He's biting too or what?"</p><p>"<em>Get closer and I'll show you." </em></p><p>Eddie had managed to type so on his lightwriter, even though he was pretty agitated by what just happened. Richie openly laughed, while Sarah didn't push her luck, starting her workday. Meanwhile, Richie approached Eddie, who was visibly fighting the urge to suck on his fingers, not wanting Richie's colleague to see him like that. He called out softly to Eddie, getting him to raise his head to look up. Richie pointed at a backdoor, informing his partner:</p><p>"Our break room is there. You can go relax here whenever you want."</p><p>He whispered, so that no one else but Eddie would hear his words:</p><p>"Please, don't hurt yourself, okay? If you feel this urge, let me know immediately, and I'll follow you there to help you calm down, alright?"</p><p>Eddie nodded. He didn't hesitate for too long before going to the break room, closing the door behind him. Richie sighed with relief, before looking at his colleague, who was clearly proud of herself:</p><p>"Leave him alone, Sarah."</p><p>"I told you, I was just joking. If he's really as smart as you think he is, he'd get it, right?"</p><p>He hated her. He hated her words and how cruel they could be. She probably would have been one of their bullies, if she wasn't too old for them to have been in the same classes. Richie couldn't believe how petty she was.</p><p>"If that's your best joke, then it's fucked up, Sarah. We're not in middle school anymore."</p><p>"Fuck off, Richie. I was just teasing him, that's how normal people interact with each other, you know? People who can understand what it's like to have a sense of humor."</p><p>Randy intervened before it started to truly degenerate. Richie focused on his work as much as he could, fuming. How dare she? She didn't know a thing about Eddie. Eddie could be downright hilarious, more than she'll ever be. And he understood Richie's jokes just fine, because they were actually funny, unlike Sarah's childish bullying. Well… Most of the time, anyway.</p><p>At some point, Eddie came back with them, ignoring Sarah as clearly as possible. He flipped her off when he asked for the bathroom, and she let him know that he could just do it in his diapers. Eddie slammed the door behind him, and Richie saw tears starting to roll down his cheeks, humiliated by Sarah's words, in front of an audience composed of his partner, Randy, and a few customers.</p><p>Once those were gone, Eddie still in the bathroom, Richie confronted her, doing his best to contain his anger:</p><p>"That's fucking it, Sarah! Randy, for fuck's sake, why aren't you saying anything?"</p><p>"I… uh..."</p><p>His boss had a crush on Sarah, and she knew it. That's how she could get away with a lot of her behavior and her being late every day or so. His lecture on her words towards Eddie the day before was the most Richie could probably expect from Randy, and Sarah clearly didn't care about it.</p><p>"I'm joking, boss, you know that. If it's bothering him so much, he just has to leave. He's not on a leash, right? Derry's not so big, I'm sure baby Eddie can find his way back home, since he's so smart."</p><p>Richie clenched his teeth, his fists tightening.</p><p>"Fuck off, Sarah."</p><p>"What? He can't? I thought he was an adult or something, why does he still need a babysitter to go anywhere? Don't tell me he never left your home alone, Richie… Oh my god!"</p><p>She laughed, mocking Eddie gleefully. Richie was about to retort something when he heard a bang coming from the bathroom. He cussed, running to the bathroom and unlocking it with their spare key. Eddie was sitting, his back against the door, throwing his head against it harshly. Richie promptly got him on his feet, hugging him tightly so that Eddie wouldn't hurt himself more. Eddie struggled in his arms, moaning, trying to get away from Richie.</p><p>Sarah didn't seem so amused anymore. But her face was laced with a very different feeling than the pity Richie could see his boss manifesting. Contempt. Disgust, even.</p><p>"Take him to the break room, he's gonna make us lose customers if he stays there. He shouldn't even be here, for fuck's sake!"</p><p>For once, Richie agreed with her. It was a bad idea, it was such a terrible idea, why did he let Eddie convince him of such bullshit? Especially after his session with his therapist, his partner clearly wasn't in the right mindset to handle something like that. What if he had a catatonic episode again? Richie's stomach churned at this idea. No, he wouldn't let that happen. He wouldn't!</p><p>Leading Eddie to the break room, he sat him down on one of the chairs. Eddie took this opportunity to slap his forehead, grunting with frustration, his lightwriter hitting his chest again and again due to the way he was moving. Richie shushed him gently, taking Eddie's hands in his, shaking his arms gently up and down in a soothing motion. Eddie ceased to struggle after a while, keeping his head down, visibly ashamed. </p><p>He managed to type on his device, once Richie let go of his arms:</p><p>"<em>Sorry. Bad." </em></p><p>Richie shook his head, putting his finger gently under Eddie's chin to lift it slightly:</p><p>"Hey, hey, none of that. You're not bad, okay? Sarah can really be a bitch sometimes. I don't know why she's so mean towards you, but it's not your fault, okay?"</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, sniffling. He was struggling to talk, one of the telltale signs that he was back in a regressive headspace, back to the Eddie his mom forced him to be:</p><p>"<em>Joke. Should know. Stupid Eddie. Bad. Know I'm bad. Should be punished." </em></p><p>Eddie's mouth was slightly agape, his gaze reflecting how lost and confused he currently was. Richie felt his throat closing up at his words. It's been so long since he heard those words, coming from Eddie. Punished. He should be punished. As if he was a stubborn pet or a misbehaving child… Fuck. Richie should have been more careful. Pull him away as soon as Sarah started to bother him.</p><p>"Eddie, Eds, you're not bad, and you don't have to be punished for anything, you remember? We told you, right? You're Eddie Kaspbrak, you're twenty years old, and you're an adult, not a kid anymore."</p><p>Eddie only looked at him with a faraway stare, his mouth still agape. Did he even understand Richie's words? How far was he gone? Dr. Park had mentioned that he might regress due to his current therapy, but Richie didn't think it would happen so soon and so… so blatantly. Sarah's words must have triggered him pretty severely. Richie was definitely the worst.</p><p>He tried to remember Dr. Park's various pieces of advice to pull him out of this state, asking Eddie with a worried voice, fearing the answer:</p><p>"Eddie, where are you right now?"</p><p>He didn't want to hear what he was about to type. Eddie's motions were hesitant, clumsy, as if he was progressively forgetting how to use his device:</p><p>"<em>Home. With mommy." </em></p><p>His answer broke Richie's heart. He was about to say something when the door opened, revealing Randy. He looked at Eddie, who shoved his fingers in his mouth, sucking on them mindlessly, before turning away from him with a guilty expression on his face, gazing at Richie:</p><p>"Hey, Richie, uh… Everything's okay? I mean… uh… You can take the day off if you need it. I… uh… I'm sorry for what happened."</p><p>"… It's fine."</p><p>It wasn't. But there was nothing Richie could do about it. He sighed, caressing Eddie's face, taking his hand in his.</p><p>"I'm taking him home. I'm not coming back. Not today, not tomorrow, never."</p><p>"Richie, come on, you just returned to us, don't do that… I'll talk to Sarah, I'm sure I'll..."</p><p>Richie cut Randy in his rant, helping Eddie up, caressing his cheek when he started to bite on his fingers. He relaxed his jaw reflexively, while Richie insisted:</p><p>"I'm not working with her. It's Sarah or me, and I know very well who you're going to choose. Thank you for your kindness and understanding during all those months I wasn't there, but I can't do that anymore. I can't."</p><p>Eddie squeezed his hand, and Richie squeezed him back, unable to look at him at the moment. If he did, if he saw this expression that he hadn't seen on his face for so long, he would cry, and he didn't want to break down in front of his ex-boss:</p><p>"Don't worry, I'll bring back the tapes in time. Take care, Randy."</p><p>Dragging Eddie with him as gently as he could, Richie left the store, only to crash into someone else. He was about to apologize when he heard a familiar click, cursing when he noticed who he was facing:</p><p>"Oh, for fuck's sake, not you! What the fuck are you doing there?"</p><p>The reporter smiled, looking at Eddie, who stared him back with his confused gaze, drooling all over his fingers:</p><p>"I've been tipped off. Nice to see the progress Eddie Kaspbrak's making since the last time I saw him. Clearly, you're doing wonders for him. This article is gonna be a hit, I'm sure of it!"</p><p>The reporter raised his camera again, pulling his keys from his pocket to agitate them, trying to get Eddie's attention. That was the tipping point for Richie. Grabbing the camera, he threw it violently to the ground, Eddie whimpering fearfully, biting on his fingers. The reporter shrieked in protest, but Richie couldn't care less. Fuck everyone.</p><p>Fuck Sarah, her bullying, her petty words, the fact that she was undoubtedly the one who called the newspaper to tell them to send their reporter. Fuck this guy, who clearly didn't care about Eddie as long as he could get a good picture of him. Fuck Randy and how spineless he could be. Fuck the customers. Fuck everyone.</p><p>Richie led Eddie to his car, opening the door for him, gently guiding him into sitting down when he didn't move. He had to buckle his seatbelt for him, Eddie currently not in the right mindset to do so. He was looking at Richie, but it was like he wasn't seeing him. It was like he was staring right through his body, looking at something past Richie. It was heartbreaking to see. </p><p>Richie turned on the engine, driving for a bit so they could get away from the reporter and everything else, before stopping the car, sighing heavily. Eddie was still looking at him, expecting something from him. Richie knew too well what it was:</p><p>"I'm not going to punish you. I'm not going to hit you. You did nothing wrong. I'm not your mom, Eddie. I'm not going to treat you like her. Please, come back to me."</p><p>Eddie stopped sucking on his fingers, trying to use his lightwriter. The robotic voice started to repeat pre-recorded sentences that had nothing to do with what was happening, which probably meant that Eddie had totally forgotten how to use it right now. Great. Fucking great. Folding his hands neatly in his lap, standing as straight as he could, Eddie attempted to enunciate, grimacing:</p><p>"B… Buh… Buh..."</p><p>Eddie whined, biting harshly on his bottom lip. Richie stopped him from doing so, trying his hardest not to cry and make the situation even worse.</p><p>"You're not bad. I can understand what you want to say, Eddie, and you're not bad. You were very brave. I'm proud of you."</p><p>Richie repeated that, again and again, to make sure that Eddie would truly get it, that he wouldn't think otherwise. In the meantime, he caressed his hair, the cheek that Eddie didn't hit so harshly the day before, looking at him with his gaze filled with love and concern. He was going to come back. It was only temporary, right? But Eddie was too far gone right now, and Richie could only drive him back home, hoping that the familiar environment might help him to snap back to reality.</p><p>It didn't last long, but it was enough for Richie to feel all the weight of his exhaustion on his shoulders. Fuck. He had just quit his job, and Eddie was regressing. Fuck, fuck, fuck. If only… If only he just had… Richie rested his head against the wheel, sighing. Eddie's hand caressed his hair clumsily, pulling on it unwillingly, causing Richie to wince. But the gesture, that was meant to be comforting, managed to get a smile out of him. Eddie grinned back, a facial expression that was closer to a grimace than anything else.</p><p>Richie unbuckled Eddie's seatbelt, guiding him out of the car. He opened the door, causing Maggie to yell with surprise and reach for a knife, only to notice that her son and Eddie were back, Eddie clearly not in his normal state. She led Eddie to the couch, sitting him down when he stayed on his feet, caressing his face in a soothing and worried motion, her questions fusing with a panicked voice:</p><p>"What happened? Are you two okay, Richie, Eddie? Is it Bowers? Did he hit you?"</p><p>"Mom, it's f..."</p><p>It wasn't fine. Richie broke into sobs, hiding his face behind his hands. Maggie immediately pulled him into a hug, sitting on the couch, guiding him to sit down as well:</p><p>"I quit my job. Sarah, my colleague, she… she bullied Eddie and I… I didn't pull him out of this situation because he told me that he had to handle it, and I didn't know what to do, and there was this reporter and… and..."</p><p>His mother shushed him, holding him close. Another pair of arms hugged him tightly, and Richie sniffled, trying to calm down, his hand reaching for Eddie:</p><p>"I'm okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."</p><p>"Don't. Let me take care of that, alright, Richie?"</p><p>"But..."</p><p>"I'm your mother, Richie. I love you. Let me take care of you and Eddie."</p><p>He didn't have anything more to say. She kissed him on the forehead, doing the same for Eddie. She stayed in her thoughts for a minute, thinking about the next step, before being struck by an idea. She prepared a hot chocolate for Eddie, bringing him his plush as well. Then she turned on the TV, putting a tape in their video recorder. As soon as he heard the first sounds, Richie knew exactly what she had put on and smiled:</p><p>"You're a genius, mom."</p><p>He hugged Eddie, who started to focus intensely on the movie, mouthing the lines that he remembered. Slowly, he managed to come back to his senses, helped by this feeling of familiarity, and how safe he was in Richie's arms, in their dear home. At some point, he started to use his lightwriter again, quoting the movie:</p><p>"<em>Don't</em> <em>rush me sonny, you rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles." </em></p><p>Richie chuckled at Eddie's words, feeling incredibly relieved to know that he was progressively back to his usual self. He kissed him on the forehead, not caring for a second that his mother was right next to them. Fuck, he was so relieved…</p><p>"I knew that "Princess Bride" would do wonders." Maggie was triumphant, caressing Eddie's knee gently. "Are you okay, honey?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, rubbing his eyes, yawning longingly:</p><p>"<em>What happened? A bit confused. And tired." </em></p><p>Richie bit his bottom lip, but decided against lying to him. He told Eddie what happened, although he didn't detail it too much, not wanting to trigger his partner once again. Eddie listened to him attentively, whining softly at the end of his sentence. He typed on his lightwriter, cheeks red:</p><p>"<em>I'm</em> <em>sorry. I was weak." </em></p><p>"You were very brave, Eddie." Richie pulled him into a hug, smiling when he felt him relaxing in his arms, sighing deeply. He was probably going to crash sooner more than later. "You did what you could, and that's enough. On top of that, yesterday's session was pretty rough, and you're still recovering from it. It's fine. It's more than enough."</p><p>Eddie let out a tired "Uh uh" as an answer, yawning once again. He tried to fight sleep, to no avail. In less than a few minutes, he was snoring, sucking on Richie's shirt, chewing on the fabric reflexively. Richie let him do so, getting him into a more comfortable position. </p><p>"Richie? Is everything okay?"</p><p>His mom was looking at him, with eyes full of concern. Richie wanted to spill the beans, to tell her everything. But he already let her take care of him, see how vulnerable he could sometimes be. Time to build back the walls. </p><p>"Fine. Just tired."</p><p>She was about to say something else, but she stayed quiet, watching the movie without really focusing on it. Richie did the same, playing gently with Eddie's hair. For a moment, it seemed like it was exactly like before, when Richie wasn't constantly afraid of losing his family's affection. </p><p>But before wasn't a time Richie wanted to go back to. Before was a time where Eddie was scared, confused, forcibly docile. A time Richie would definitely give up on, even if it meant never having his loving family back. Even if it meant that this awkward and heavy silence would linger between them, for the rest of their life...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, uh, yeah. That chapter was probably influenced a lot by my current mood and state of mind. Is it obvious that I needed Eddie to be told that it was okay to fail sometimes? Sigh... Anyway, yeah. I'm doing better, don't worry. I just need some sleep and to relax while indulging in my special interests. I'll get better during the weekend. Lots of things to think and worry about, but I'll manage it c:. </p><p>I hope you liked this chapter. Eddie did his best, but he was tired from his previous session and he doesn't deal well with cruel infantilization and bullying, too close to the things he experienced in his past. Not to say that Richie's boss's behavior was better,  but Eddie is better equipped to deal with this kind of thing for now, unlike Sarah's kind of ableism. It'll get better with time.</p><p>Thank you for still being there. Don't hesitate to comment, I'll try to answer as quickly as possible. I'm always happy to read your words and what you thought about this chapter.</p><p>Take care, everyone. I'll see you soon, hopefully in a better state of mind. Bye!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 13th chapter of this fanfic! Thank you for your support and your kind words, I'm feeling a lot better since Friday. Still a bit tired, but I'm doing okay. I hope you're doing fine as well and that you'll like this chapter! I really liked writing it. Anyway, here are the trigger warnings:</p><p>TW for the N-Word<br/>TW for mention of hate crime<br/>TW for racism<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for mention of R-word</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you want me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once Eddie managed to extract himself completely from the fog that was clouding his mind, he realized what Richie had just done for him. Because Sarah bullied him, because Eddie reacted so badly, Richie… Richie quit his job. He was finally back, after all this time he spent taking care of Eddie, and now, he was unemployed. Eddie couldn’t help but feel that he was to blame for that. If he hadn’t insisted on following him to his workplace, Richie wouldn’t have seen him like this and wouldn’t have followed his foolish impulse.</p><p>He tried to discuss it further with Richie, but Richie only said that it was his own decision and that Eddie shouldn’t worry about it. That he was happier spending time with his partner than with his asshole colleague and his spineless boss. And, sure, Eddie was always enthusiastic whenever he could enjoy Richie’s presence, but still. For now, they were living with Richie’s parents. But once they’ll be on their own, what would happen if someone at Richie’s work started to badmouth Eddie? If he heard something unpleasant towards people like Eddie, would Richie just quit as well? They wouldn’t be able to make it work, if that was the case.</p><p>And that’s what Eddie was ranting about all day to Mike, while they were working together, typing too fast on his lightwriter, whining and grunting, his legs agitated. Mike was doing his best to keep on listening to what he heard three or four times already, while trying to calm down Eddie and helping him to focus on his task. Both of those things he was clearly failing at.</p><p>“<em>Can you imagine? He just quit! He quit his job because I was a whiner and I should have handled these things in a better way and...” </em></p><p>“You’re not a whiner, Eddie.” Mike sighed, putting a book back in its rightful place. “You were upset and for good reasons. What Richie did is his own choice, you have nothing to do with that.”</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes at Mike’s answer, putting a book on the shelf. Mike put it where it truly was supposed to be, Eddie too focused on his rant and his anger to accomplish his job correctly. It was going to be a long day…</p><p>“<em>Of course, I have everything to do with that! I told him I could handle it and it wasn’t the case! I should have stayed home, because it’s obvious that I’m not ready for that, but I thought I was, and Richie quit his job because of me and...” </em></p><p>Eddie grunted furiously and hit himself on the forehead. Mike immediately intervened, taking his hand in his, caressing the skin:</p><p>“Okay, that’s it. We’ll finish this shelf, and we’re taking a break. We’re going to talk about this, and we’re going to do it calmly, alright, Eddie?”</p><p>Eddie whined and tried to use his other hand to hurt himself, but Mike prevented him from doing so, repeating while squeezing Eddie’s hands:</p><p>“Calmly. In the break room.”</p><p>Mike let go of his hands after a minute, and Eddie went back to work, trying to keep his agitation in check. It was easier, knowing exactly when he’ll be able to finish his task and talk about what was bothering him. Just this shelf and then, they’ll be done for now.</p><p>Mike was the best boss Eddie could have dreamed of. He was understanding and patient, and he was doing his best to adapt to Eddie’s issues and find ways to work around it. He seemed to get him even when Eddie didn’t really understand what was stressing him out, being able to calm him down and prevent him from losing himself into his meltdowns. That was why Mike didn’t suddenly interrupt their task for Eddie to take a break. Eddie needed time to switch from an activity to another, and Mike understood that. Eddie loved working with him.</p><p>While Eddie was trying to determine how in the hell a cooking book had found its way in the sports section, he heard Mike sighing deeply. Raising his head, he let out a surprised noise when he noticed what Mike was holding. The book between his hands was ravaged, its pages torn apart, its back sliced. But more than its pitiful state, it was what was written on the cover that angered Eddie, the word that Mike seemed stuck on, reading it quietly again and again. A slur. A violent and terrible word.</p><p>Eddie took the book from Mike’s hands, hiding from his view the N-word, before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Break. Now.” </em></p><p>Mike nodded. His eyes were glistening with tears, and Eddie could clearly see that he was trying his hardest not to break down in front of him. Fuck. Who did that? Who dared to do that? Tightening his grip on the ravaged book, Eddie grabbed Mike’s hand, leading him into the break room. While doing so, he threw the book in the trash, so that Mike wouldn’t have to look at it ever again. Fuck them. Fuck them all.</p><p>Eddie sat Mike down and poured him a cup of tea, taking care of his friend just like Mike had probably planned to care for him. His own issues seemed far away now, something Eddie couldn’t be bothered about. Not when Mike was so visibly hurt, fighting the tears, trying to smile and failing at it quite ostensibly. Once they were both served, Eddie sat next to Mike, putting his hand over his, letting out a compassionate whine.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Eddie. It’s nothing, I swear. We can talk about Richie, if you feel like it.”</p><p>His voice was shaking slightly. Eddie grunted disapprovingly, typing quickly on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Fuck Richie. I mean, no, not really. Let’s just drop that for now and focus on you, okay? I’m listening.” </em></p><p>Eddie wasn’t going to bother Mike with his problems when he was so visibly upset. What mattered now was to make sure his friend would feel better. Eddie couldn’t believe what just happened and how people could be so cruel, so intolerant, so… He didn’t even have the words to describe what this person, whoever it was, had done.</p><p>Mike had laughed weakly at Eddie’s words, taking a deep breath:</p><p>“Thanks. I’m sorry, Eddie.”</p><p>“<em>Stop apologizing. You’re my friend, you’re upset, I’m here for you. That’s how these things work. It’s not just you listening to me.” </em></p><p>Eddie squeezed Mike’s hand, a determined expression on his face. Mike had been there for him again and again, bringing him down from his meltdowns, listening patiently to his rants, offering him advice that Eddie truly needed… Eddie doubted that he could be as supportive for Mike as Mike had been for him, but he would try. Mike needed a shoulder to lean on, and Eddie was there for him.</p><p>“It’s the third book this week only. I regularly find books that have been damaged, pages tore off, or covered with stuff that I can’t identify and that I don’t even want to touch or think about, things written on it. Most of these books are so ravaged that I can’t even hope to fix them. The cost for the library is high, I don’t know how...”</p><p>Eddie interrupted him, flicking Mike on the forehead. Mike whined reflexively, putting his hand on his pained skin, looking at Eddie with a confused gaze:</p><p>“<em>I don’t give a fuck about how much these things hurt the library’s finances or whatever. We’re talking about you. You’re what matters now. Not this fucking library or the budget or the town hall or whatnot. You.” </em></p><p>Eddie sighed, wiping his face in a nervous motion. Mike had just been insulted in the vilest way Eddie could think about, and he was still worrying about all of those pesky subjects. Geez… Derry truly didn’t deserve Mike. Mike was too good for this fucked up town.</p><p>Mike took a sip of his cup of tea, managing to pull off an awkward smile. It was obvious that he wasn’t used to people caring about him, an idea that caused Eddie to feel guilty. He should have been there for his friend more often. Mike had his own issues, things he most likely needed to talk about and, instead, he just let everyone else poured their problems to him, as if he was nothing more than a wishing well to fill to the brim. Mike deserved better from them. He deserved better from anyone else.</p><p>“That’s kind of you to say, Eddie. But I’m still worried about the library. There must be a reason why this person or these people, whoever they might be, are so upset that they feel the need to defile the books that way. Something I could fix or… I don’t know.”</p><p>Eddie groaned at Mike’s words.</p><p>“<em>Yeah, there’s a reason. They’re racist as fuck. Come on, Mike, you can’t seriously think that you’re doing something wrong or that it’s somehow your fault if they keep damaging the books like that!” </em></p><p>“I don’t know. Maybe I should...”</p><p>Eddie put his index finger on Mike’s lips, shushing him authoritatively.</p><p>“<em>Mike. Mike Mike Mike. You’re exhausting yourself for this fucking library. People love coming here, reading, studying, and listening to the stories you’re reading to them. You’re working so much that I’m worried that one day, I’ll be coming to work, and you’ll be buried under a pile of books or something. You’re doing more than your best for this establishment. If you were to do more, you’d already be dead, Mike.” </em></p><p>“I… I mean, I could...”</p><p>“<em>One more word, and I’m calling Richie. Do you really want to have Richie on your back right now? Richie and his overprotective mode? He’ll probably offer to camp at the library with a baseball bat to catch the fucker who did that. And I’ll agree with him. But right now, I’m the reasonable one. Do you want to deal with Richie fucking Tozier right now, Mike?” </em></p><p>Mike chuckled at Eddie’s words, something that he hoped to achieve and was happy to have managed to do. Everyone in the group was aware of Richie’s mother hen instincts, even himself. Of course, they’ll talk to him about what happened, but Mike would be calmer and able to deal with his overprotective tendencies, to get him to give up on his wild ideas to avenge Mike’s honor or whatever he might think about. Right now, Eddie wanted Mike to focus on himself. To get better.</p><p>“Fine, Eddie. If you really think so, it’s not my fault.”</p><p>“<em>I really think so, Mike. Seriously, you need to realize how amazing you are. I’m sorry I haven’t told you that enough. Anyway, you said it was the third time this week. So it happened before, right?” </em></p><p>Mike nodded, a long sigh slipping past his lips:</p><p>“Yeah. It didn’t happen too often before. I would find a book on a table torn apart here and there. I tended to assume that it might have been a misbehaving child and that the parents didn’t want to assume their responsibility or whatever. But it started to happen way often this year, after our holidays.”</p><p>“<em>You think it could be Bowers’ fault or something? We really pissed him off on the bridge.” </em></p><p>Mike shrugged, playing distractedly with his spoon, tapping on the cup. He stopped when he noticed Eddie’s reflexive grimace, apologizing quickly.</p><p>“Bowers never set foot in this library. Not when we were kids and not now. Have you ever seen him read something, Eddie?”</p><p>“<em>I guess you got a point. Plus, I suppose you’ll notice it right away if Bowers was in the library. He’s not exactly discreet.” </em></p><p>“He knows I wouldn’t hesitate to call his father on him. Mr. Bowers wouldn’t be able to get him off so easily if he attacked me here. It’s a public establishment, and I’m a municipal employee. Mr. Bowers would have the mayor on his ass if his son tried anything here. I’m pretty sure he made sure that Henry wouldn’t even think to enter here.”</p><p>Eddie grimaced at the thought. Derry was fucked up in so many ways… He couldn’t wait to be able to leave it entirely.</p><p>“<em>So, maybe it’s not him for once. It’s not like he’s the only fucked up person in Derry anyway. It’s just so infuriating! You’re doing everything for this library, for this fucking town, and people just, they just...” </em></p><p>Eddie didn’t even have the words to express how angry he was. He was starting to get too agitated, and he knew it. He didn’t want to force Mike into a caring role when he was the one who should help his friend. He inhaled deeply, closing his fist on his thumb multiple times to avoid hitting himself. Relax. Relax. He needed to relax.</p><p>“I… This word, it hurts. It always hurts. I feel like no matter what I’ll do, they’ll only see me that way. They’ll see the color of my skin, and they’ll judge me for that.”</p><p>Eddie could relate in some ways. He wasn’t going to pretend that he could put himself in Mike’s shoes, their issues were totally different, and Eddie would never be discriminated against for the color of his skin. If anything, it would probably have been harder for Mike if he was autistic like Eddie. Maybe he wouldn’t have been diagnosed at all. Perhaps he would be in an institution right now. Or he could have been shot on sight, because he acted in a way that people deemed <em>suspicious.  </em></p><p>As much as Eddie hated the way he was treated, at least, people gave him the benefit of the doubt. He was able to work, to go out and interact with others without having to fear directly for his safety.</p><p>Of course, some people, like Sarah, treated him terribly, as soon as they noticed his stimming, the fact that he couldn’t talk or the way he would express himself. Others stared and whispered things that they thought Eddie couldn’t hear or understand. But they didn’t think of him as a potential threat. They weren’t going to call the police on him. Eddie was aware of that.</p><p>But still, he did know what it was like to be deemed <em>different </em>right away and to be treated accordingly. That’s what he told Mike, putting his hand on his, squeezing it gently:</p><p>“<em>People give you one quick look, and they decide who you are. I know that feeling. That’s on them, not you. Your worth isn’t based on their prejudices. Mike, you’re the most selfless, hardworking, kind person I’ve ever known. You deserve the whole world, but you’re too humble to see it. If anything, it’s the world that doesn’t deserve you. Derry particularly.” </em></p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, hesitating on his next words. Meanwhile, Mike was looking at him with his eyes widened, as if he couldn’t believe what Eddie just said. He smiled, tears finally rolling down his cheeks. Wiping his face, Mike mumbled, having trouble to speak with his shaken voice:</p><p>“Thank you, Eddie. Sincerely. I don’t know what I did to deserve that from you.”</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes at Mike’s modesty, groaning audibly:</p><p>“<em>You should know. Fuck, we really don’t tell you enough how much we love you, Mike. I’ll make sure to tell you that at least once a day from now on. Starting now: I love you, Mike, and you’re an awesome person.” </em></p><p>Mike chuckled, sniffling. He took a deep breath and, with a gentle expression on his face, answered back:</p><p>“I love you too, Eddie. I’m lucky to have you as a friend. After all this time, I’m still so happy that you’re back with us. I really am.”</p><p>Eddie blushed at Mike’s words. He whined embarrassingly, scratching his neck, not knowing how to react to this sudden declaration.</p><p>“<em>We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you, Mike. About what happened and what we can do to help you. I’ll talk to Richie about that, and you could call the others, see if they have ideas about how to deal with that. The sooner we’ll catch this fucker, the better it’ll be. I wish I could do something, anything so that you won’t have to deal with that or to read this awful word ever again… I… I’m sorry, Mike.” </em></p><p>Eddie let out a sad moan, sincerely frustrated to feel so powerless. Mike didn’t deserve any of that. No one deserved that treatment. If anything, this town should praise and worship Mike for everything he did to bring people back to the library, to offer them this safe and relaxing place where they could forget about the rest of the world for a while. Instead, they were shitting on Mike and his relentless efforts, because… because they deemed him unworthy. Different.</p><p>Eddie took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure if it was the right time to tell Mike, but he couldn’t just stay silent on the matter. Mike deserved to know.</p><p>“<em>Mike, Richie and I, we’re going to leave Derry, sooner or later.” </em></p><p>Eddie felt his throat closing up when he saw the look in Mike’s eyes. For a second, he looked deeply, utterly hurt, in a way Eddie had rarely seen him. But he quickly hid it, forcing a smile on his lips:</p><p>“Oh. That’s… That’s good for you, I guess. You won’t have to deal with Bowers and everyone else anymore. Richie’ll be happier too. You deserve that.”</p><p>“<em>We were thinking that you could come with us.” </em></p><p>Mike was about to add something when he fully realized what Eddie told him. A “What?” was all that he managed to come up with. He clearly never thought that they could want him to join them, and Eddie was beating himself up for that. They really, really needed to make Mike realize his own worth, because he certainly didn’t see it.</p><p>“<em>Derry sucks. You deserve better than this hellhole. Come with us.” </em></p><p>“I… Eddie, I can’t… That’s very nice of you, but… but...”</p><p>Eddie couldn’t believe it. Mike wanted to stay here? Willingly? Really?</p><p>“<em>Why?” </em></p><p>“Eddie, I love my job. I love this library and what I managed to do of it. If I quit, they don’t have anyone else to replace me, and if they do find someone, it won't be the same. I’m fighting again and again for every scrap they’re willing to give, I’m investing so much of my time for this place to feel alive and attractive. It was about to close when I took this responsibility, and I did what I could to make sure it wouldn’t happen.”</p><p>Mike sighed, tightening his grip on his cup:</p><p>“I always wanted to work here. I should have worked on the family’s farm, but I fought tooth and nails to have this job, and now that I do have it, I don’t want to give up on it that easily. I don’t know where you’re planning to go, Richie and you, but I can’t follow you, Eddie. I can’t.”</p><p>Eddie started to protest, whining frustratingly, but Mike interrupted him:</p><p>“I have made my choice, Eddie. Please, I’m asking you to respect it. And I don’t want to talk about what happened for now either. If we took this break in the first place, it was because you were upset. You still want to talk about Richie, right?”</p><p>Eddie groaned. No, he didn’t want to talk about Richie right now. He wanted to convince Mike that he definitely deserved better than the scraps that Derry gave him and that he could be happier anywhere else. That he didn’t have to rot in this stupid town and this stupid library for the rest of his life. But Mike asked him to respect his choice, and Eddie didn’t want to make him feel like his opinion didn’t matter.</p><p>He sighed deeply, longingly, before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Okay. Fine. Richie. I don’t know. I’m not even pissed off anymore. Not about that anyway.” </em></p><p>Mike chuckled at his words. He washed his cup, before sitting back on his chair, looking at Eddie with an amused gaze:</p><p>“That’s a good thing, right? That means you admitted that it was only Richie’s choice and not something you’re responsible about.”</p><p>Eddie let out an offended noise at Mike’s words, typing so quickly on his lightwriter that the device had some trouble to keep up with his speed:</p><p>“<em>Of course not! I’m still angry at Richie for making this foolish choice, but it’s on me! I shouldn’t have come in the first place. Things would be better. And… And he wouldn’t have had to see me like this.” </em></p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip. That’s what was really bothering him, among all of that: the fact that Richie saw him regress like that. He wanted to prove to Richie that he didn’t have to worry about him and, instead, he made it all worse. Whenever he thought about what happened, it all seemed so far away, out of his grasp, almost like he was thinking about somebody else. Someone that wasn’t him.</p><p>It was difficult to describe, mostly because Eddie didn’t totally understand it. When he was like that, Eddie… Eddie felt like he was kinda out of it. Aware of what was happening, what he was doing, but not entirely. It was like walking through a deep fog, having trouble making sense of his surroundings. His brain felt sluggish, his thoughts were confusing, and his body was clumsy. It was awful. But the worst feeling was after all of that. When he realized that he regressed and what everyone else saw of him. Especially Richie.</p><p>“<em>I’m getting better. Really. But now that we’re working on my mom with my therapist, I… I don’t know. The nightmares are back. One night, I woke up under the bed, and I couldn’t remember how I got there. I feel nervous when I don’t have my plush nearby.” </em></p><p>Eddie blushed, admitting shyly and awkwardly, avoiding Mike’s gaze:</p><p>“<em>I brought it here. It’s in my bag.” </em></p><p>“Eddie, it’s okay. If you ever need to hug it, don’t hesitate on my behalf. It’s not going to change anything about my opinion of you, whether as a friend or as your boss. I promise.”</p><p>Eddie knew it. He knew that none of his friends would think badly of him for that, but he still felt ashamed to need this coping mechanism again. He thought he was past this.</p><p>“<em>I forget stuff. Sometimes, I don’t remember how to put on my clothes or how to use my device and I… it’s like my mom’s there. Listening to me. Talking to me. I can hear her voice. I can feel her presence. It’s… I hate it.” </em></p><p>Eddie curled up on his chair, hugging himself tightly. He hated it, sure, but… but mostly, he was scared. Scared of what he was going through. Afraid of feeling his mother so close to him, when he didn’t think so much about her these last few months. Dr. Park told him that it was essential, and he agreed with her. But it was still a terrible feeling. And Richie was there to see him struggling. And, more than that, to see him fail.</p><p>Eddie felt Mike’s hand ruffling his hair gently, and he sighed, raising his head:</p><p>“We’re here for you, Eddie. No matter what. You can count on us. You can lean on us. I’m glad you told me. If you feel like you’re slipping, let me know immediately, okay? I’ll help. I could even call Richie if necessary. He won’t mind.”</p><p>Eddie grimaced, shaking his head:</p><p>“<em>That’s the issue. I don’t want him to see me like this ever again. I’m ashamed. I’m embarrassed. And he’s never going to believe that I can handle myself if he keeps having to help me again and again. And he has his own issues to deal with. He still hasn’t talked to his mom or his dad. He keeps insisting that he’s okay, but he’s not, and I know it.” </em></p><p>Eddie wanted to help. To speak for Richie if necessary. But Richie wanted to keep his sexuality secret and not to talk about it with his parents, too afraid of their possible reaction. He was stuck, trapped in this never-ending cycle of anxiety, unable to move on. It was going to explode and get messy at some point, and Eddie didn’t want to see Richie in this state. He wanted to help him before it came to this. But he had his problems too, and he was bothering Richie with them, and he didn’t know how to deal with all of that and…</p><p>Eddie had started to pull on his hair, humming nervously. Mike took his hand in his, before giving him an object. A Slinky. Curious, Eddie looked at him and at the toy, his fingers already starting to play with it:</p><p>“I figured you might need something to keep your hands busy when you’re agitated. I bought this a few days ago, I forgot to give it to you until now. You can take it home if you want, it’s not the only one I bought.”</p><p>Eddie nodded distractedly, playing with the object, mesmerized by the way it would move between his hands. The urge to hurt himself had vanished quickly, replaced with this warm feeling in his guts, while he was playing with the Slinky, again and again. He whined happily, causing Mike to chuckle:</p><p>“Okay, so I guess it was a good idea. I’m glad you like it.”</p><p>Eddie actually had a pretty hard time focusing on anything else than the toy. He shook his head to chase the mesmerizing feeling that took him over, putting the Slinky away to focus back on the discussion he was having with Mike. He should probably talk about that to his therapist. He just… He really liked this object. He didn’t remember ever feeling that kind of thing, how just <em>right </em>it felt to look at the Slinky while he was playing with it, the way it would fold and unfold between his hands…</p><p>Eddie realized that he was still zoning out and whined apologetically, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Sorry. Didn’t mean to do that. Thank you for the gift.” </em></p><p>“It’s fine, Eddie. You don’t have to apologize. And you don’t have to feel guilty about asking for help either. If you really don’t want it, it’ll stay between us, and I won’t tell Richie if you were to regress while working, but only if you promise me that you’ll talk about it to your therapist. Deal?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, a smile on his lips. He was relieved. Richie didn’t need to know about every single of his slips-up, especially if he couldn’t be here right away to help. Eddie knew Richie, he would abandon everything to get to him, even if it put him in danger. Agitated as he could be, he would crash his car into a tree and still crawl on his bloodied arms to make sure that he was there for Eddie. Eddie grimaced at the thought. No, he definitely didn’t want that to happen.</p><p>Arms closed suddenly around him, and Eddie let out a surprised yelp, relaxing when he realized that Mike was hugging him. Okay. That was an okay touch. No, it was more than that. Eddie liked it. He loved Mike’s hugs. He loved Mike. He hugged Mike back, who whispered to him:</p><p>“Thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being there. I needed it. I… It’s just hard sometimes, you know. It’s… Thank you.”</p><p>Eddie whined gently, caressing Mike’s back. He shouldn’t have to thank him for that. Mike was his friend, of course he was there for him. He just needed to remind him of that more often. Mike was always so selfless, ready to drop everything to help those in need, trying to solve everyone else’s issues, but he forgot that he was very much human too. And that he should be able to count on his friends as well.</p><p>After a while, Mike detached himself from Eddie, informing him with a soft smile:</p><p>“Well, I think our break lasted enough. We still have an hour left before you have to go home. Back to work?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, following Mike out of the break room. His gaze landed on the book that he threw in the trash bin, and he took out the garbage bag, closing it up and throwing it where it belonged, so that Mike wouldn’t have to look at it ever again. Eddie could still see the word on the cover, and he was furious. He couldn’t imagine how hurt Mike was and how he felt reading this word, but he believed it must be pretty close to how he felt whenever people insulted him, calling him a re… the r-word.</p><p>Mike didn’t deserve that. If only Richie and Eddie could make him see that he shouldn’t have to feel obligated to stay… The world outside of Derry was far from perfect, Eddie knew it, but Mike would have a chance to be happy and to strive. Here, not so much. Until then, Eddie would do what he could to be there for his friend. To let him know that he wasn’t alone and that what he was enduring wasn’t okay or something that he should feel responsible for. Yes, he would be there for him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It was time for a chapter centered on Mike again and, for once, he's able to talk about his problems instead of being constantly the supportive person. I really like Mike and his character and I'm always happy when I get to talk more about him. I wanted to talk about the kind of prejudice he's going through in Derry and that is lightly touched upon in the movies (I really think they should have focused more on his character, I'm still pissed off with what we got when it comes to Mike). </p><p>I hope I have been able to treat this subject respectfully, especially in the times we're going through. If you feel like I might have been insensitive or anything like that, let me know and I'll see what I can to word it all better. It's very important for me, since I'm not concerned directly, to treat this subject as accurately and respectfully as possible. It's the least I can do.</p><p>Anyway, thank you for still being there after all this time. Don't hesitate to let me know what you thought of this chapter. I love reading your comments and answering them. You can also leave a kudos, bookmark or subscribe if you feel like it.</p><p>Take care of yourself and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 14th chapter! I hope you'll like it, I really had fun writing it. Thank you all for your support and your kind words. Thanks to you, I'm still able to write as often as before, despite being back to work. It really helps to be able to sustain this schedule and routine and your nice words really make it worth it c:. Thanks again!</p><p>Anyway, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for sexual content</p><p>I think that's all! Don't hesitate to let me know if you want me to tag something or to be more specific. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Richie needed an out. He spent the last few days avoiding to stay alone with his mom as much as possible, not wanting to talk with her about what had created this wall between them. He had the feeling that he was constantly wearing a mask with his parents, pretending that he was someone that he was not, and it was slowly suffocating him. He could feel like himself whenever he was in his room, with Eddie, but even that started to feel claustrophobic. He was still scared that his mom could be around, hearing them, knowing what they were doing whenever he was kissing Eddie, or getting affectionate with him.</p><p>He needed to get out. But he didn’t want to bring Eddie to potentially loud places or to meet Liz yet, even though it was bound to happen at some point. Eddie was… tired. No, tired wasn’t the right word to describe his current state. Richie was having trouble to really pinpoint how Eddie felt. One moment, he seemed fine, smiling, flapping, cuddling with Richie. The next moment, he was elsewhere entirely, either zoning out or coming back to his old self, forgetting temporarily the progress he was making.</p><p>Richie had tried to determine precisely what caused those mood swings, but it wasn’t quite clear. Things he thought might potentially trigger Eddie didn’t, and stuff that seemed disconnected to what he had experienced actually caused him to regress. He didn’t react much to movie scenes that they watched together and should have hit close to home. But as soon as he heard Wentworth picking up the phone, Eddie had immediately started crying, clutching to Richie, trying to say his name in vain.</p><p>When it was all over, Eddie had been unable to explain to him what really set him off. That he felt that there was a reason, but that he couldn’t quite grasp the memory attached to it. There were things that Eddie had clearly repressed, and it was terrifying to think about. Things that would probably come out during his therapy sessions… Richie hated that, but it was probably for the best. The longer it’ll stay hidden in Eddie’s memories, the more he’ll be affected by it. They just had to stay strong…</p><p>He didn’t want to force Eddie again in a situation where he might regress publicly. And Eddie told him that he didn’t feel ready to meet his friend Liz yet, afraid of what she might perceive of him. They didn’t have many choices left. Of course, they could still go to the library, but Richie knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut regarding what Mike was going through, despite his wishes.</p><p>Mike had even snapped at him at some point, when Richie had called him to discuss this matter and convince him to leave Derry for good. Mike never snapped. He was the calmest person of their group, who was always able to ground them and keep them in check. </p><p>When he had told Richie that he needed to be left alone to think about all of that, Richie had listened to him. Even though he was dying to try to convince him furthermore. Derry didn’t deserve Mike. Why was he so determined to stay? Richie didn’t get it.</p><p>So, the library was a big no. It was Eddie who suggested going to the clubhouse, when Richie had started to pace nervously in their room and pick at his skin. When he said so, Richie kissed him and hugged him tightly, telling him that he was the smartest person he ever came across. Exaggerated? Yeah, probably. Still… The clubhouse was perfect for them to have some peace. No one knew of this place, except the Losers. They wouldn’t have to worry about Bowers either. This secret was well-kept.</p><p>Richie had parked his car as closely as possible from their spot, bringing his baseball bat with him, making sure that Bowers or his gang were nowhere around. Thankfully, they were not, and Eddie and Richie had been able to take refuge in the clubhouse. Having put a blanket on the ground, Richie was cuddling with Eddie, covered by a plaid, listening to the audiotapes they had brought with them.</p><p>At first, they were both cold, shivering and freezing, but they managed to warm up together, hugging tightly, holding hands as if their life depended on it. Richie would gladly spend the rest of his life just like that, away from the world and its cruelty, enjoying Eddie’s presence, expressing his love where no one could see or hear them. He knew that it couldn’t last forever, but, right now, he wanted to dream that it could…</p><p>Eddie whined gently, catching Richie’s attention. He stopped zoning out, coming back to reality just in time to feel Eddie’s lips crashing on his own, a kiss that Eddie quickly deepened. Soon enough, Richie was nothing but heat and excitement, letting his partner guide him in this expression of love, breathing through his own moans.</p><p>Eddie was eager, in a way Richie never imagined he would be. One of his hands was holding Richie’s tightly, the other caressing his back, brushing the skin in a way that caused Richie to melt. Eddie was turning him into putty, and Richie was more than happy to let him do so. When they finally parted, Eddie’s breath was starting to get wheezy, and Richie wasn’t really in a better state. He was probably as red as Eddie was, feeling his hair sticking to his sweaty skin.</p><p>More than that, Richie was full of desire. A desire for something he never did. A desire for something he always refused himself to accomplish. His breathing ragged, he whispered to Eddie, so lowly that his partner almost didn’t hear him:</p><p>“I want you to touch me.”</p><p>Eddie’s eyes widened at his words. He was visibly surprised, something that Richie couldn’t hold against him. He had always been the one to step back whenever they started to get too close to anything sexual, get hesitant, and even scared, every time Eddie proposed something new, something lewd. But right now, in their clubhouse, safe from everything and everyone else, Richie felt bold. Able to move forward, even if it was just from a few steps.</p><p>“<em>How?” </em></p><p>Eddie wasn’t good with vague requests. Richie knew that he had to be more forward, more direct, but he wasn’t used to doing so when he wasn’t joking. He took a deep breath, mumbling nervously:</p><p>“If… If you’re okay with that, I… I’d like you to touch my dick. And… And maybe I could touch yours too.”</p><p>Richie felt utterly ridiculous, saying those words, but Eddie didn’t laugh or judge him. He merely put their plaid away, looking at Richie with his big, delightful brown eyes, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I’m okay with that. Should we take off our clothes completely? Just our pants and underwear?” </em></p><p>Richie smiled at how casual Eddie currently was, as if he wasn’t talking about them getting naked for the most sexual stuff they ever did together for now. It was charming in some way. Eddie’s expression was completely serious, despite the glow he retained from their previous make-out session, decided to do those things and accomplish them well. Others might have been put off by his attitude, but Richie only loved him more for that. He didn’t want to make it a big deal, it would have probably discouraged him from his sudden impulse.</p><p>“I’d say the pants and underwear are fine for now. We don’t want to get sick, right?”</p><p>Eddie shrugged at his words, answering briefly with his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I’m too strong to get sick like that.” </em></p><p>Richie was about to retort something when Eddie put his hands on his pants, fiddling with his zipper. Oh… That’s how it was going to happen. Richie froze, looking at Eddie, struggling to breathe. It felt different from those times Eddie took his clothes off in the bathroom, before showering together. Eddie was focused and mechanical, fighting against his clumsy fingers to undress Richie, but to Richie’s eyes, he was being profoundly sexy, and Richie could barely handle it.</p><p>He gulped, moving to help Eddie, his heart beating so fast and so loudly that it was probably going to pierce through his chest at some point. Soon, Richie’s legs were naked, something that made him feel incredibly vulnerable and ridiculous at the same time. He chased this feeling away by undressing Eddie as well, careful in his motions to avoid triggering his sensory issues as much as possible.</p><p>And then, they were both naked. Eddie was sitting cross-legged, and Richie was curled up on himself, having trouble fully exposing himself in this context. He knew that it was stupid, but he still couldn’t allow himself to relax enough to let Eddie see him fully. His boyfriend wasn’t going to judge him, he knew it very well, but… but it was hard to convince his mind and his body of this fact.</p><p>Meanwhile, Eddie was unabashedly naked, showing his erect cock without much of a thought, his face flushed with desire and excitement. He wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t overly modest, like Richie currently was. Richie doubted he could be, anyway, not with the education he had received. His gaze was slightly glassy, while he got closer to Richie, caressing his cheek gently, whining softly. He managed to type on his lightwriter, his fingers shaking a bit from his current arousal:</p><p>“<em>Don’t be scared. Take your time.” </em></p><p>Eddie smiled, and Richie did the same, putting his hand over his boyfriend’s, taking a long, deep breath. Slowly, he started to uncurl, extending his legs. A voice in his head was screaming at him to hide himself, but he told it to shut up, let him enjoy this moment full of rare intimacy. He was safe. He was safe with Eddie. No one to see them. No one to know what they were doing. They were safe.</p><p>Eddie signed an <em>I love you</em>, and Richie signed it as well, his cheeks flushed. Eddie was so lively whenever he used sign language, it was so endearing. Richie had no doubt that, if Eddie could say those words with his voice, it would have been filled with emotions, deep and sincere. His head tilted to the side, Eddie looked lovingly at Richie and what he was revealing of his body, a gaze that made Richie feel beautiful and precious in someone’s eyes, before asking with a curious expression:</p><p>“<em>How should we proceed? One after the other or together or…?” </em></p><p>Richie interrupted him, not even thinking about it twice:</p><p>“Together.”</p><p>It would be easier that way, that’s what Richie thought. He couldn’t think of doing it first and was nervous about Eddie taking care of him without doing anything for his partner. That way, they would just care for the other at the same time and, if he was lucky enough, Richie would be too aroused to even start to overthink it.</p><p>They struggled for a short moment to find the best position for them to do so, before deciding to sit right next to each other, in a way that allowed them to look at each other whenever they wanted, but also to gaze somewhere else if needed. Eddie started to get his hand close to Richie’s dick, and Richie tried to do the same. As much as they tried to do so, they found themselves unable to get to it, Eddie whining nervously, Richie biting on his tongue. He wanted to. He really wanted to. It was just… It was…</p><p>“Everything okay, Eddie?”</p><p>It was easier if he focused on his partner. If he took care of Eddie. He could forget about the state he was currently experiencing and the deprecating thoughts swirling in his mind, if he was focused solely on Eddie…</p><p>Eddie hummed anxiously, rocking back and forth slightly. He managed to type on his lightwriter, his hum getting louder afterward:</p><p>“<em>I don’t want to hurt you.” </em></p><p>Richie let out an “Oh” at Eddie’s words. Managing to get a grip on himself, he cupped Eddie’s face tenderly, putting a reassuring smile on his lips, trying his best to be the rock his partner needed him to be:</p><p>“You’re not going to hurt me. If you’re a bit too tight or too rough, I’ll tell you, okay? I promise. I also want you to tell me if it’s too much for you and you wish for me to stop. Hmm… What could we do?”</p><p>Richie thought about it for a second, before thinking of something:</p><p>“Okay, so if you want me to stop, you can either pat the floor or tap on my body twice. I’ll get the message. Don’t hesitate, okay? I really want this to be good for us both. Even if you say yes now, it doesn’t mean that you can’t say no afterward. Okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, his humming progressively dying down. Richie sat down next to him, waiting for his partner to make the first move. As soon as Eddie’s hand started to get closer, Richie moved his own, fighting against the voices in his head that tried to convince him that he was dirty. He wasn’t. He wasn’t dirty. He was in love, and he was going to pleasure his boyfriend. Simple as that.</p><p>His hand caressed Eddie’s dick, just when his boyfriend touched his. Richie shivered when he felt Eddie’s fingers closing on his cock, biting back a needy moan. Weird. It was so odd, letting someone else touch him like that. But it wasn’t just someone else. It was Eddie Kaspbrak, and Richie trusted him blindly.</p><p>Eddie whined as soon as Richie touched him, barely caressing his skin. He was overly sensitive, and Richie tried to be mindful of that, but he didn’t really know how to proceed. Was it better if he was slow? Quicker? He didn’t know. He had no fucking idea. Raising his gaze towards Eddie, Richie saw how flushed he was, lips parted, breath uneven. He could almost feel his dick pulsating under his touch, wanting to caress it and touch it, but fearing that it might be too much for Eddie.</p><p>“Is it okay, Eds? Can I… Can I stroke it?”</p><p>Eddie moaned at the idea, throwing his head back shortly, before raising it up again, nodding to show his consent. Okay, so he was… He was really going to do it. Richie was… Richie was going to touch Eddie’s dick. Caress it. Make him come.</p><p>Fuck, oh, fuckity fuck! He was really going to do that!</p><p>Eddie whined keenly, his fingers tightening on Richie’s cock. Richie moaned loudly at the feeling, managing to mutter under his breath:</p><p>“O… Okay, yeah, sorry. Doing it. Doing it now. On… On three...”</p><p>Richie counted up to three, hoping that it would help Eddie to get ready for this feeling, before closing his fingers on his dick, stroking it gently. Eddie gasped audibly, panting and shaking slightly, his grip on Richie’s cock tightening too much for his liking. Grimacing painfully, Richie informed Eddie of this fact, keeping his tone gentle and loving:</p><p>“Don’t… Don’t squeeze that much, Eddie, please. Richie Jr. is… ah… pretty sensitive.”</p><p>Eddie chuckled at his words and relaxed his grip, imitating Richie’s pace. It was nothing like Richie ever experienced. Touching himself was nowhere close what he was currently feeling, knowing that Eddie was the one masturbating him, hearing him make all of those cute and needy noises, getting to caress his dick… Fuck, he was really touching Eddie’s cock!</p><p>Richie didn’t want to wash his hands ever again. Uh… He probably did, but right now? Richie was completely okay with this disgusting idea. Although he was probably not going to share that with Eddie… Yeah, no. That would definitely kill his boner. His tiny germaphobic boyfriend… Richie was falling in love with him all over again, watching Eddie coming apart from his contact, the way his hips would reflexively push up, trying to match Richie’s hand.</p><p>Eddie was definitely having trouble to keep caressing Richie as well as handling the feelings that were currently invading him. His pacing was uneven, his touch felt clumsy, but goddamn, Richie still felt like it was infinitely better than any of the moments he masturbated himself. Maybe Richie knew all of his own weak points, but Eddie was trying his hardest, and it was so fucking sexy. So fucking endearing.</p><p>At some point, Eddie let go of his cock, tapping on Richie’s knee twice. Richie immediately stopped, concerned for his boyfriend, hoping that he was doing okay. Oh, god, what if he started to regress right now? What was he supposed to do?</p><p>“Are you okay, Eddie?”</p><p>Eddie reached for his lightwriter, typing slowly on the device. Richie noted that he was definitely not using the hand that was previously on his dick and was happy to know that they had tissues in the clubhouse. That wouldn’t be enough for Eddie to feel clean, Richie knew it, but it was better than nothing. It wasn’t like he had exactly predicted that they were going to have this fucking activity in the clubhouse! Not that Richie regretted any of that, though…</p><p>“<em>Going to ejaculate. Before you. Don’t want to.” </em></p><p>So Eddie was close to his breaking point. Richie felt it, the way he squirmed between his hands, how his dick was pulsating, his voice rising higher and higher, louder and louder. Eddie was going to come, but Richie wasn’t about to do so, and he didn’t want that to happen. Putting his clean hand on Eddie’s cheek, taking a deep breath to recompose himself, Richie offered his boyfriend a loving and reassuring smile:</p><p>“Hey, Eddie Spaghetti, it’s fine. It’s just fine. You didn’t spend your whole teenage years beating the meat as I did, it’s normal that you’re more sensitive and quicker to finish. We’re not in one of my porn magazines or videos, we don’t have to cum together and have it fade to black. Or white. Or to the movie I attempted to tape over my porn VHS. The Land before time, worst boner killer ever. Unless you’re into dinos. Or foot.”</p><p>Eddie snorted at Richie’s words. He started to laugh, laugh, laugh, unable to stop. At some point, he managed to type on his lightwriter, wheezing with hilarity:</p><p>“<em>Foot? Why foot?” </em></p><p>“You know, Littlefoot, the main character… Some people are excited by foot in general, it’s a pun, it’s...”</p><p>“<em>Sexually excited by foot? What the fuck?” </em></p><p>Eddie was still wheezing, so much that Richie was started to wonder if he could even breathe enough for it to be safe. He did his best to get serious again, not wanting Eddie to feel overwhelmed and for their experience to suddenly turn sour:</p><p>“I’ll explain this stuff to you later. Let’s do your breathing techniques, and then we’ll get back to it, okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, biting back his laughter as much as possible. Holding Eddie’s hand, Richie guided him through his techniques, until he was calm enough for them to go back to their business. Richie’s excitement slightly went down, but as soon as Eddie put his hand on him again, he returned to his previous state, flushed and moaning for more.</p><p>He took care of Eddie as well, warning him when he was about to touch him, stroking his dick a bit quicker. Richie hesitated for a moment, before trying to apply some stuff he learned while touching himself, things that he was particularly sensitive about. Things that Eddie was <em>definitely </em>responsive to… The scream that he let out was quite telling, as well as the way he suddenly came, shaking, his lips parted in a long and deep moan, staining the blanket they were lying on. Ugh… At least, Richie had put the plaid away, protecting it from any possible stain. He’ll still have to wash the blanket and hope that his mother wouldn’t notice it.</p><p>No, no, he didn’t want to think about his mom when he was being touched by Eddie. Nope, nope. Eddie started to whine painfully, and Richie took off his hand, apologizing to him:</p><p>“Sorry, I… I forgot how sensitive you felt after… you know...”</p><p>Eddie had stopped stroking him as well, looking at him with his clouded gaze. He seemed less exhausted and out of it than he was when he ejaculated for the first time, but he was still processing it, trying to type something on his lightwriter, failing to do so.</p><p>“Hey, Eds, I can finish myself, don’t worry about it, I...”</p><p>“<em>Porn mag. They used their mouth. Want to try it.” </em></p><p>Richie was so stunned that he barely managed to let out a “What?”, looking at Eddie as if he was just growing a second head. Did he hear him well? Did he just say what he thought he heard him say?</p><p>“Eds, I… you… fuck… I don’t know, it’s… Are you sure?”</p><p>Eddie looked at him, neither nodding nor shaking his head. Really helpful… Richie let out a sigh, his body clearly confused, not knowing if he was aroused or afraid by this idea. Eddie’s mouth on his… on his… Oh fucking god… As soon as Richie started to imagine him between his legs, his big doe eyes looking at him with lust and arousal, his lips wrapped on his cock, his head bobbing up and down… It was too much for him. He never came while untouched, but this time, he did, overly excited by the way Eddie touched him before, utterly turned on by the movie that was playing on his mind.</p><p>Gosh… So, that… that settled it, right? Richie was certainly not about to let Eddie put his lips on his cock when he just came, and, noticing his hesitant look, he wasn’t really ready to do so either. Okay, that was okay. They didn’t need to go further right now. They had all the time in the world. It was already so much. God… Richie couldn’t believe what they just did. It was so… so fucking good. It was messy, clumsy, weird, but Richie loved every fucking minute of it. And he hoped Eddie did as well.</p><p>He helped Eddie to clean himself, using tissues, apologizing to his boyfriend who clearly thought that it wasn’t enough, as Richie predicted it earlier. But he seemed too dazed and tired to protest more and let Richie dress him up again. He tried to do the same for Richie, who had just cleaned himself, but his hands weren’t responding well, and he was struggling, groaning in frustration. Richie had to explicitly tell him that it was okay, and that he didn’t need to do so, for Eddie to let it go.</p><p>While Richie was putting his underwear and his pants back on, Eddie pushed the blanket away, his nose frowning in disgust, and laid down on the plaid, curling up to keep himself warm now that his previous excitement had started to come down. Richie joined him as quickly as he could, hugging him tightly. He could feel him shivering under his touch, not knowing if it was from the cold or his afterglow. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, doing it in their clubhouse, in the middle of winter season… Too late, anyway.</p><p>Richie kept him close, hugging him as tightly as possible, trying to warm him up. Eddie moaned softly from the touch, his breathing still ragged. He looked so stunning, his face still flushed, his skin beaded with sweat, his gaze lustful and relieved at the same time, as if he finally managed to scratch an itch that bothered him for way too long…</p><p>Kissing Eddie on the forehead, Richie admired him for a while, before saying while grinning cheekily:</p><p>“Sooo… Happy, Eddie Spaghetti?”</p><p>Eddie groaned at the nickname, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Not sexy.” </em></p><p>“What? Eddie Spaghetti, that’s damn sexy! Don’t let Eddie Spaghetti Jr. hear you say that!”</p><p>Eddie tried to remain annoyed, but he found himself unable to hold back the giggle coming out from his throat. He groaned again, but laughed as well, nuzzling his head against Richie’s torso.</p><p>“<em>Idiot.” </em></p><p>“I know. I’m your favorite idiot. Anyway, more seriously… Did you like it?”</p><p>Richie was scared of his answer, but he didn’t have to be. Eddie instantly nodded, biting back a yawn. He wasn’t going to last long, Richie knew it.</p><p>“<em>Loved it. Weird, intense, too intense sometimes, but loved it. Want to be able to keep touching you when I’m done.” </em></p><p>“We’ll work on all of that progressively, okay? I’ll learn how to make it more bearable for you, and you’ll see if you can last longer. With practice, I’m sure you’ll be a sexual beast in no time.”</p><p>Richie winked at Eddie, while Eddie groaned and hid his face in Richie’s chest, clearly red. He hesitated for a second, but decided that it was the best moment to ask Eddie, feeling safe to do so while they were still here:</p><p>“When… When you said that you… um… wanted to put your mouth on my…”</p><p>God, Richie was back to being so painfully and awkwardly shy! He took a deep breath, trying to get the words out as much as his brain tried to prevent him from doing so:</p><p>“On my dick, you… you really wanted to?”</p><p>Eddie stayed silent for a moment. He rubbed his eyes, straightening up to avoid falling asleep when he wanted to keep talking, his eyelids fluttering. He was always so cute when he tried to fight sleep. Richie doubted he would be able to struggle for long, but he hoped it would allow them to talk about it anyway. Here, in the clubhouse, he felt protected enough from the rest of the world to do so. Outside, even in their bedroom… Richie wasn’t so sure of that.</p><p>Finally, Eddie took his lightwriter, using it cautiously and slowly, his body definitely clumsy from the lack of energy he was currently experiencing:</p><p>“<em>Yes. But need to think. Want to see you cleaning your dick first. Don’t want germs on my lips. Need to have my mouth clean too.” </em></p><p>“Yeah, I didn’t really have anything at hand to do that for now. I’ll take wet wipes next time to get myself prepped. You could bring your toothbrush too. I mean, uh, if… if you really want to. Don’t feel that you have to force yourself or whatever. It’s not because it’s in those magazines that...”</p><p>Richie was starting to ramble nervously when Eddie cut him, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Want to. I like to suck on stuff.” </em></p><p>Richie felt his heart skipping a beat at Eddie’s words, his breath shortly caught in his throat. Geez… How was he going to be able to survive Eddie putting his fingers in his mouth without popping a boner in the process? For fuck’s sake… Richie chased away this thought as much as possible, focusing on Eddie, whose head was bobbing up and down, his eyelids fluttering more than ever. Okay, time to answer.</p><p>“Eds, I don’t know how you’re able to make your robotic voice sound so fucking sexy, but it does. We’ll do whatever you want to do. And I… I’ll see if I can do it to you too.”</p><p>It would be a lot. Sucking Eddie’s dick. A part of Richie really, really wanted to do it. But his internalized homophobia reminded him how fucking gay it was. He hadn’t done that yet. He wasn’t completely dirty yet. He just had to…</p><p>Richie shook his head, burying this disgusting voice as far as he could. He wouldn’t get dirty doing that. Because he would do it for the man he loved so much. For Eddie. Richie was about to add something else when he noticed Eddie’s hunched position and the snore coming out of his mouth.</p><p>Richie smiled tenderly, utterly enamored by his boyfriend and his endearing quirks. He pulled him closer, in a more comfortable position. When he noticed that he was shivering, Richie wrapped him in the plaid, hoping that Eddie wouldn’t get sick after all of that. He hugged him close, and Eddie started to munch on the fabric of his sweater, letting out small noises of contentment.</p><p>Richie laughed, caressing Eddie’s hair, kissing him gently:</p><p>“Never change, Eddie Spaghetti. I love you so fucking much.”</p><p>Richie knew that they should probably get back home, so that Eddie could rest in their bed, in a warm place. But he didn’t want to come home. Not yet. Here, there was no one to judge them. No one to tell them that the way they loved each other was wrong. Here, they were… safe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, yeah, another smutty scene! I just really love to write the way their relationship is evolving and how they're processing to both be at ease in this aspect of their relationship. My asexual ass is like "Uh?" for most of the scene, to be honest, so I have to think a lot about how they're feeling about this thing or that thing and what might turn them on and so on. It's actually quite a fun exercise! </p><p>Also, I really wanted them to get more at ease with sexual stuff in the clubhouse. I felt like it was the only place Richie would feel safe enough to be able to do so, while still struggling with his internalized homophobia. Progressively, he'll get more at ease with the idea and the act, but for now, that's how it is. The clubhouse is the place where nothing can hurt them, so Richie is able to fight back his brain and his negative thoughts. Elsewhere, it's still complicated.</p><p>I hope you liked it! Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos, I'd love to know what you thought about this chapter. Take care of yourself and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! I hope you're doing okay. Here's the 15th chapter of this fanfic c:. I'm currently on vacation for a few days, so I'm using my time to post a little earlier than I usually do. I hope you'll like it!</p><p>Thank you for your support and for being there after all this time. It means a lot to me c:. </p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for mention of infantilization<br/>TW for mention of abuse<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for self-harm</p><p>I think that's all. Don't hesitate to tell me if you want me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Eddie wasn’t fragile. After spending so many years of his life thinking that he was, this idea reinforced by the constant brainwashing that his mother put him through, Eddie simply refused to admit that his physical health couldn’t always be perfect and pristine. Which was why he didn’t want to admit that he was currently sick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was probably because, a few days ago, he and Richie spent too much time naked and sweaty in the clubhouse, forgetting temporarily about the weather and the temperature because both of them were so stupidly horny. Thinking about it, it wasn’t their brightest moment, that was for sure. But Eddie didn’t regret any of it. Richie made him feel things that he never felt before, and he was still deeply touched by the trust his boyfriend put in him, allowing Eddie to caress him despite being usually so cautious and fearful about anything even remotely sexual.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie hadn’t stop thinking about this moment after they came home, Richie’s hands on his body, how gentle he had been, and his telling reaction when Eddie suggested impulsively to give him head (which was an expression that Richie taught Eddie afterward, when they took the time to discuss it a bit more, making sure they were both okay with what happened).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie was so different whenever he and Eddie were intimate, allowing Eddie to see him vulnerable, raw, and honest. When he was in doubt, Eddie only wanted to reassure him. When he was pulling away, Eddie let him do so, ready to talk about it, to stop it altogether if necessary. Richie didn’t lie whenever they got more intimate, his body and his words delivering a truth that Eddie was listening to, because that’s how things were supposed to happen. Because that’s what love was about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie loved every aspect of his new relationship with Richie and was eager to discover it more and more. But he was also relieved to know that they were still the same towards each other, bickering, joking, supporting the other no questions asked. Eddie would have felt bad if every aspect of their previous friendship had just disappeared to leave room for this new relationship. Sometimes, he just appreciated being platonic with Richie, teasing him, getting enthusiastic with him whenever their current comics series was updated, or exchanging a few jokes. Eddie didn’t need more than that. It was perfect.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Today, Richie was seeing his therapist and had also planned on visiting Liz, preparing the field so that they would be able to meet together without risking to overwhelm Eddie, whose own therapy was currently making him more inclined to experience meltdowns and/or shutdowns. But Eddie didn’t want to stop living because of that. He wanted to be able to leave the house, meet people that mattered to Richie, and find his place among his peers, who could help him figure out his feelings and what he wanted to do with his relationship with Richie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But for now, Eddie was staying home, his brain slightly clouded, refusing stubbornly to admit that he was sick. Despite his runny nose. Despite this unpleasant wave of warmness that was engulfing his body and mostly his head. Despite his body feeling so overly sensitive that he could barely handle the clothes on his skin. No, Eddie wasn’t sick. He never had been. It was a lie that his mother crafted for him to stay with her, to keep him in his bedroom, where he wouldn’t be able to see anyone else. He wasn’t sick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie only wanted to curl on his bed and sleep it all away, but doing so would mean that he admitted that he was ill, and he definitely wasn’t. He was just a bit tired, that happened. If he pushed through it, he would be fine. Everything would be perfectly fine. Eddie repeated that sentence in his head, again and again, a low hum making its way out of his throat, which he didn’t notice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was trying to finish his breakfast, but he wasn’t hungry. The toasts that Maggie prepared for him tasted like cardboard, and he had trouble convincing himself to munch on it. But he was supposed to eat. It was breakfast time, he had to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear Maggie talking, but he didn’t quite understand what she was saying. Not all the time anyway. She was talking about… a job, maybe? A business in Derry that was losing its secretary the next month, and they were interested in Maggie’s profile. She seemed so enthusiastic and relieved, and, truly, Eddie wanted to be happy for her and show it overtly. But right now, it just seemed… too much for him. He nodded absently to her words, not even knowing what she was saying.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice was strangely echoey, and the more he was trying to focus on it, the more it was hurting his brain. But he was definitely not sick. He wasn’t fragile. He was just having one of his bad days. It happened. Fiddling with a loose thread on his sweater, Eddie managed to understand Maggie’s words a little bit better, focusing on the feeling between his fingers:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“… So I’ll be subjected to a trial period starting next month, see if I’m the right fit for this job. Oh, I just can’t wait! It’s been so long since I have been able to work. We definitely have to celebrate that! Went is coming home sooner today to do so. Once Richie’s back too, we’ll have to drink to that. Well, not drink drink, you know, but I learned a few recipes for alcohol-free cocktails, I’m sure you’re gonna love it!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maggie was talking, talking, talking, Eddie was exhausted just listening to her. Usually, he was more than happy to just be with her and lend an ear to her words, but right now, he just wanted some peace, a quiet time. His ears were ringing, and he couldn’t take it anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Trying to look for an excuse to leave the table and spend some time in his room, Eddie suddenly experienced a burning feeling on his cheek and jerked away, yelping painfully. He needed a few seconds to realize that it was only Maggie’s hand and that he definitely didn’t react like this to her touch usually. Fuck, what was that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maggie looked at him with concern, stopping herself from touching him as she usually did to comfort Eddie. With a soft tone, she asked him, keeping her voice low to avoid startling him any further:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay, Eddie? You look tired.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded, focusing harder than usual to type on his lightwriter. Everything seemed more complicated than it generally was, his brain sluggish, his body not responding very well to his commands. But he wasn’t sick. He was just tired. Just tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Didn’t sleep well. I’m okay. Happy for you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t tell if Maggie was convinced by his words or not, but she didn’t push the matter any further, smiling joyfully:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you are. I know it’s going to be a bit difficult, since I’m not gonna be at home to spend time with you as much as I am right now, but Richie will be there. And we’ll find something for the days he’s not, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shrugged, the fleeting thought that they didn’t trust him to be on his own passing through his mind. It made him angry, angrier than he would have been usually. Normally, he would have talked about this with Maggie, clarifying what she meant, a thoughtful and needed conversation to avoid any potential misunderstanding coming from her or himself. But Eddie wasn’t in the mood to be thoughtful and careful. His brain was definitely not allowing him to react calmly to anything. Munching on his index finger, he used his other hand to type, rocking on his chair:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Not a baby. Don’t need someone with me all the time.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He groaned while saying so, a reaction that visibly surprised Maggie. She brought her chair closer to Eddie, not touching him, attempting to reassure him:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not saying that you’re a baby, Eddie. I promise. It’s just not very fun or appealing, the idea of staying at home on your own without much to do… If we found you something to do when none of us can’t be there for you, you...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe I want to be alone. Maybe I don’t mind. Didn’t even ask me.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie didn’t even know why he was insisting so much on this topic. He didn’t want to be alone. He hated it. In fact, he would have been thrilled to find an activity, something to do with other people, whenever he couldn’t be with his family, but right now, all he could think about was that it was pissing him off. His head felt hot and weird, and the closest thing to which he could associate this feeling was anger. So, he was definitely pissed off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sniffled, biting harder on his finger. Maggie tried to stop him, but he pushed her hand away brutally, so much that she let out a pained sound, looking utterly confused and hurt by Eddie’s behavior. Eddie didn’t know what he was feeling or thinking. Everything just seemed so out of place, thoughts devoid of sense swirling in his mind, headache pounding, pounding, pounding...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Eddie. I didn’t mean to infantilize you. We’ll talk about those things, but you need to calm down, okay? You’re hurting yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maggie attempted to pull away his finger once again, but Eddie didn’t let her do so. He stood up from his chair, humming angrily, before taking his bowl and throwing it to the floor, causing it to break in pieces. The noise hurt him, so much that he had to put his hands over his ears in a swift motion. He was angry. He was definitely angry. Angry for what? He didn’t know. But this heat in his body, how lost he was, the burning feeling in his brain, the way his heart started to beat faster, he had to be angry. He had to. Because if he wasn’t, it meant that he was… that he was…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maggie wasn’t angry, but she definitely seemed upset. She looked at the mess he just made, sighing:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That wasn’t necessary, Eddie. If you’re angry, we can talk. If you’re too angry, you know that you can go to your room and bring down the pressure there, just like Richie does whenever he’s like this. Breaking stuff is not going to fix anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was calm, utterly calm, and it made Eddie even angrier. He didn’t know why, he didn’t know what he wanted her to do, but that wasn’t how she was supposed to act, and it frustrated him to no end. As a result, he took a plate and threw it to the ground, letting out a scream while it was shattering on the floor, the noise hurting him a bit more. Eddie snorted, wiping his face with his hand, while Maggie was looking at him with a piercing gaze, a stare that he hadn’t seen often on her face, especially directed at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you calmer now? Can we talk?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want to talk. That wasn’t how those things happened. He was being bad, and whenever he was being bad, he was supposed to be punished. But he wasn’t punished. He was angry, and he wasn’t punished, and it made him even more upset, and he didn’t know how to deal with these feelings. Everything felt so hot, so confusing, his clothes were hurting his skin, he wanted to take them off right now. That’s what he attempted to do, managing to pull off his sweater and his shirt, but not his pants, scratchy jeans that were burning his skin. He hated it, hated it, hated it!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seeing him do so, Maggie had lost her previous severe demeanor, getting closer while he was still attempting to take off his pants, without much of a success. She put her hand on his forehead and took it away when Eddie whined furiously:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re burning up, Eddie. Let me…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pushed her away when she attempted to take his hand. The physical effort caused him to stagger, so dizzy that he started to feel his legs buckle under his weight. Maggie prevented him at the last minute to fall on the broken glass, shushing him gently. She led him to the couch, forcing him to lie down, bringing him his lightwriter:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, honey, you’re sick. You need to let me take care of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shook his head, the motion causing him to wince in pain. He wasn’t sick, he couldn’t be sick, it was impossible. His mother lied to him, he was not fragile, he wasn’t physically ill, and he didn’t need anyone to care for him. He whined, trying to get up without managing to do so, flailing his arms uselessly to keep Maggie away. He was angry. He was angry. He was not sick. He was angry. He was… he was…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie started to cough. His throat was burning, just like the rest of his body. It wasn’t normal. Eddie knew it. He knew it perfectly. But he couldn’t accept it. And fighting something that would have only be benign normally was making it even worse. Eddie’s eyes were glassy, reflecting how confused he currently was. He couldn’t even think about using his lightwriter, moaning uselessly, trying to say that he wasn’t sick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His body was sweating profusely, and he hated it. It was disgusting, he wanted to get rid of the feeling, of the smell, of everything right now. Something wet on his face, tapping his skin. Eddie whined weakly, while Maggie was attempting to calm him down and to offer him some relief, using a wet cloth coated with cold water.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, can you hear me? I’m going to lead you to the bathroom and to put you in soft pajamas, alright? I’m staying with you. You’re not alone. Everything’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything was not okay. But Eddie stopped thrashing around, allowing Maggie to help him up. He needed a shower. He was dirty. He felt disgusting. A shower. He just needed a shower. Water on his skin. Eddie distractedly noticed that Maggie had cleaned up his mess, but he couldn’t bring himself to care right now. He just wanted to feel clean. His brain was focused on this simple and single idea. Getting clean. He would feel better afterward. That must be it, right? He was just dirty. A shower would fix everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maggie helped him out of his clothes, washing him gently. Eddie leaned against the wall, the cold tiles providing him a much-needed relief. Closing his eyes, he focused on his breathing, uneven, wheezy. He sniffled, still trying to convince himself that he wasn’t sick. He didn’t want to be locked in his room. He didn’t want to be alone. Alone with his mommy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mo...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maggie washed his hair, his body, doing whatever she could to not trigger his hypersensitivity, keeping him upright whenever his legs started to buckle up under his weight. She called out his name softly, attempting to reassure him, and Eddie repeated, his attempt at a word turning into a fearful whine:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mooooo….”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was there. He knew it. She was there. He could feel her presence, her influence, everything that made her the mother that Eddie loved and feared so much. She had to be. Because he wasn’t feeling well, and his mommy was always there when it was the case. His eyelids fluttered, attempting to make sense of his environment, his feelings, and what was happening right now. Where was he? Why was he feeling so utterly bad? What was happening?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mo...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hands on his skin, on his hair. She was washing him. His mommy was washing him. That’s how it always happened. His mommy was taking care of him because he couldn’t do it on his own. Because he was too stupid to do so. He moaned fearfully, trying to get away from her hands, to no avail. He didn’t want to be back. Why was he with his mommy? Why was he feeling </span>
  <em>
    <span>sick</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie was led out of the shower cabin and curled up on the floor, raising an arm to protect himself from his mommy and the fact that she was probably going to hit him. He was being bad. Bad, bad, bad. Boys that weren’t good were punished. Their things were taken away. They were hit, to learn how to be good. He didn’t want to be hurt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he wasn’t hurt. Soft clothes on his skin. A comfortable bed. His plush. Eddie moaned, utterly confused, and a voice gently shushed him:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Eddie. I’m taking care of you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It must be his mommy. His mommy was always taking care of him. His mommy… His mommy… He opened his eyes, glassy and unfocused, and was able to see her, putting a wet cloth on his forehead. He attempted to call out to her, but didn’t even manage to let out a single cohesive syllable, his mouth feeling like it was filled with marshmallow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t understand what she said to him. Eddie closed his eyes, and his mind took him away, far, far away from his reality. He dreamed of his mother, bigger and taller than he remembered her, and he saw himself small, smaller than he had ever been, so tiny that he could have fit into a shoebox. No matter what he was doing, where he was trying to go, his mother was always there, catching up to him easily, grabbing him entirely with her two gigantic hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t escape her. He couldn’t escape her. She was there. She was there. While asleep, Eddie was thrashing in his bed, moaning, wincing, screaming at some point. She was there. She was there. His mommy was there, and he was sick, and he couldn’t go anywhere. He was small, sick, and fragile, and he needed his mommy. He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t do anything. He was so, so tiny. So, so precious. So, so vulnerable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie bear, I’m not letting you go anywhere. Stay with mommy, where it’s safe and clean, where you cant get dirty. Mommy will always be there for her good, nice boy. Just obey. Obey, stay quiet, be nice. Mommy only loves his boy when he’s being good. You have to be good. You have no one else, Eddie bear. No one. No one wants to take care of a sick boy like you. But your mommy is there. Your mommy…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie’s eyes suddenly opened, and he whined, seeing someone so close to him. He curled up, trying to protect himself as much as possible. He was being bad. He was not supposed to be in bed at this hour. Mommy was going to be angry. He was going to be punished… he… he…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eds, Eddie, it’s me. It’s Richie. Look, it’s me. Richie Tozier. I’m not gonna hurt you. Everything’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie’s eyelids fluttered for a moment, until he started to see clearly who was in front of him, sitting on the bed. Richie. It was Richie. What was Richie doing in his room? He wasn’t supposed to be there. His mom was gonna get angry. Richie wasn’t allowed to be there when he was sick, he… he…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mouth agape, brain lost between two realities clashing together, Eddie was highly delirious, which usually happened when he had a fever. It wasn’t always so intense, but he tried so hard to fight reality and the fact that he was sick that everything just became worse and worse as time went by.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He managed to type slowly on his lightwriter, not even wondering how he could have this object if he was really back with his mother, as he thought he was:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Can’t be here. Mommy angry. Eddie bad. Had to be good.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie heard footsteps approaching, and he whined fearfully, curling up on himself. It was his mom. It had to be! She was going to chase away Richie, and he’ll never be able to see him ever again! He… He…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, you don’t have to be afraid. It’s my mo… I mean, it’s Maggie. Maggie’s not going to hurt you, she’ll never hurt you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie didn’t know what Maggie was doing there, in his room, in his home. Where was his mommy? She wouldn’t want him to have visitors. He was going to get punished. She’ll take away his plush. He won’t able to go back to school ever again. He…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A tight hug. As much as Eddie was feeling hot right now, he melted in the sudden touch, familiar, reassuring. He moaned weakly, grabbing Richie’s clothes with how little strength he still had in his body. Meanwhile, with a gentle and low voice, Richie repeated him that he was home, with the Toziers, and that his mother wasn’t there anymore to hurt him. That he wasn’t alone and that they were there for him. He repeated it, again and again, and Eddie started to believe him. He was lulled back to sleep by Richie’s soft tone, a sniffling snore escaping his sore throat. A sleep more peaceful, feeling protected in Richie’s arms. Here, no one could hurt him. Here, he was safe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he woke up again, Eddie was definitely less confused. Remembering what happened, he felt awfully ashamed and apologized to Maggie, who chased his worries away, caressing his hair gently:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You were right anyway, even if you didn’t have to go so far for me to acknowledge it. I should have asked you what you wanted to do and not assume that you might not want to stay on your own. It’s fine, honey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie still felt guilty and promised himself to do something nice for her, since she definitely deserved it. Maggie was nothing but kind to him, and she had been all of this time, making this house a home for him, greeting Eddie in her family as if it was the most natural thing in the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie was the one who mostly took care of him for the rest of the day, keeping his energy in check to not overwhelm Eddie, distracting him from his pain and his hurtful and confusing thoughts. He was the first who truly understood why Eddie was so upset at the idea of being sick, and he proceeded to reassure him, a patient smile on his lips:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, Eddie. We’re not going to lock you up in your room or anything like that. As soon as you’ll feel better, you and I will leave this house, and I’ll finally introduce you to Liz. She can’t wait to meet you, I’m sure you’re going to love her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It should have been obvious that he wasn’t going to be forcefully cooped up in his room for the rest of the month because he had been sick. But it wasn’t for Eddie. His mom took every opportunity to keep him out of school, to prevent him from seeing anyone else, to keep him with her at all times. Eddie didn’t want to be sick because he thought that it would be the end of his freedom. That he would be back to how it was before, days and days forced to stay in bed, with nothing much to do, with his mother as his only company.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that was stupid. His mother wasn’t there anymore. He was with Richie, Maggie, and Went, and they would never treat him that way. Eddie knew it, but… but he forgot about it. He forgot that he was with his true family, people who really cared about him, and thought that he was back with his mom, his mom who would have immediately locked him up and knocked him out with the meds she would have forced him to take.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Medication that Went was currently trying to convince him to swallow, Eddie keeping his mouth shut and shaking his head, refusing the pills that were supposed to cure him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, I promise you, it’s a common medication for a cold like the one you have. Tons of people are taking them every day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie didn’t need any medication. Meds were either fake or used to shut him up, make him compliant. He didn’t need it. He wasn’t fragile. Went insisted, but Eddie persisted, and Richie took over, sitting next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At some point, Richie attempted to caress his face, but Eddie mistook his caring gesture for a method used to force him to swallow his meds. He was going to pinch his nose, he knew it! Eddie swatted his hand away, whining fearfully, before putting his hands over his mouth, keeping it closed shut. He didn’t want to take any medication, he didn’t need it, he just didn’t!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Richie didn’t try to force him. Instead, he merely talked, caressing Eddie’s hair in this gentle way that always made him melt:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s probably going to make you feel a bit sleepy, but aside from that, it will only help your body to fight this cold. If it makes you so worried, I can take a pill too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie raised an eyebrow at Richie’s suggestion, putting one of his hands away from his mouth to type on his lightwriter:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Not sick. Don’t need medicine.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie was keeping his sentences short and to the point, too tired to provide the effort necessary to type them completely. Richie and his parents were used to it and didn’t say anything about it, which Eddie thanked them for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, probably, but it’s not gonna hurt me. I just want to show you that it’s perfectly okay and that these meds won’t mess with your body and your brain, unlike some of the stuff your mom gave you to knock you out. Those are not sleeping pills.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie caressed Eddie’s burning skin, and Eddie finally relented, putting his hands away, opening his mouth to swallow the pills dryly, before Went even brought to his lips a glass of water to help him do so. Wentworth grimaced at the sight, a sorry smile on his face:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Next time, just wait for some water, it’ll go down easier, okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded distractedly. He was used to it, even if it had been a while since he took any meds. Most of the time, when he was younger, he was just swallowing them dry, not always able to drink water whenever his watch beeped, reminding him that he had to take his medicine. God, he almost forgot about the device, after all this time…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lying down next to Eddie, Richie kept him company, even kissing him whenever Maggie or Went weren’t around. Eddie grimaced, trying to keep him away from his face and his germs, not wanting to contaminate Richie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Gonna get sick. Don’t do that.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie shrugged, a cheeky grin on his lips:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care. I love every part of you, even your germs. And if I’m sick, you’ll play the nurse for me. I’m pretty sure I dreamed about that before. Except that you were wearing a skimpy outfit and that you were definitely not using pills to cure me. Nurse Eddie Spaghetti, kissing, sucking, and fucking the sickness away, you were so efficient!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie went red at Richie’s words and threw a pillow at his face, before grimacing painfully, holding his head between his hands:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Hate it. Hate being sick.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s nothing fun, even without your warden of a mom to scare you shitless and keep you forcefully locked up. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine quickly. In the meantime, just let me take care of you, alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once again, Richie kissed him before bringing him a new comic book that he just bought for him. Eddie had trouble focusing on the words, but just looking at the pictures, Richie holding his hand tenderly, was enough to keep him entertained and happy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie was sick. Eddie was ill, and it was okay. The world wasn’t ending, and he wasn’t going to stop living. He was just sick, and it wouldn’t last. It was okay. It was perfectly okay.</span>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It's been a while since I wanted to write a sick!Eddie chapter. I wanted to show how he might react to the idea of being sick and having to take pills. I also took inspiration from my own experience. Whenever I'm getting sick, I'm highly sensitive and I have delirious moments, it's pretty hard to deal with. I start to hear and see things that aren't there and I'm prone to nightmares. Also, yeah, I'm so sensitive that a ladybug landing on my arm feels like a nail being planted in my skin.</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos. Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 16th chapter of this fanfic. I definitely didn't expect to write so many chapters for this story when I started it, but that's how things are. Thank you for your continuous support, it really means a lot for me. Getting to read your nice words and know that you're still there is truly a joy day after day. </p><p>Anyway, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of homophobia<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for casual ableism<br/>TW for mention of child abuse</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been a while, that was for sure. Richie was killing time in the waiting room, skimming through a magazine without really reading the words. It's been a while since he saw Dr. Norton for the last time. And, oh boy, did he have things to tell him… Where was he even supposed to start? Talking about his relationship with Eddie was probably a good way to introduce everything that came from it. Bowers' threat, his first coming out with his friends, his internalized homophobia that he had quite a hard time to keep under control, his strained relationship with his parents…</p><p>Richie sighed, letting go of the magazine, hiding his face in his hands. Why was everything always so fucking complicated? Couldn't he have a simple day in his life for once? Probably not. Richie was pretty sure that Eddie being part of his existence meant that he would never get to have an ordinary day. And if it meant that Eddie would always be there with him, he was okay with it, despite the difficulties. If they could just catch a break sometimes…</p><p>Oh, they did catch a break. In the clubhouse, a few days ago. Richie remembered this moment fondly and a bit awkwardly as well. God, they were both so clumsy, so inexperienced… Richie couldn't believe that he indeed just came from the idea of Eddie giving him head. His cheeks went red at the thought, and he shook his head, trying to focus on the magazine that he dropped earlier. Breathe in. Breathe out. He wasn't going to pop a boner in his therapist's office… He wasn't a fucking teenager anymore.</p><p>Eddie was still half-asleep when Richie left him this morning to go to his session. He hoped that he would be able to follow his usual routine, even without Richie by his side. Things became easier for Eddie once they were back home, but Richie was still not completely reassured. Eddie was prone to regression, and it hurt Richie so much to see how his eyes would become glassy, unfocused, how Eddie would go back to a behavior that he had been able to detach himself from, thanks to their support and Eddie's hard work on himself. Richie couldn't bear to hear him ask for punishment, thinking that he would be hit because he wasn't a "good boy".</p><p>He knew that it was pretty much unavoidable, that it only meant that Eddie was processing the trauma his mother induced in him, but it still hurt. And Eddie was probably suffering even more than Richie could even imagine it… He just had to hope that everything would be fine while he was away. After his therapy session, Richie had set up a meeting with Liz to update her on his relationship with Eddie and organize their future encounter. Make sure that she was aware of Eddie's current state and wouldn't trigger him carelessly.</p><p>Hearing someone clearing their throat next to him, Richie jumped, startled, only to notice that Dr. Norton was right there, waiting for his patient to follow him. Dropping the magazine, Richie shook his hand politely, following his therapist to his office. He felt strangely relieved once he was there, in this familiar setting where he could pour his heart out without fearing for his safety. Sitting on the couch, he smiled a bit awkwardly at Dr. Norton, who sat in front of him:</p><p>"Sorry to interrupt your passionate reading, Richie, but it was time for our session."</p><p>"If only you waited just a few seconds more, I might have been able to learn a thing or two about knitting..."</p><p>Dr. Norton laughed at his joke, which immediately put Richie at ease. He just liked it when his audience was receptive to his humor. And Dr. Norton appreciated it, thankfully. He remembered all too well the awkward silences he created with his school therapist, whenever he was attempting to joke to lighten up the mood… Yeah, not really his cup of tea. That and the whole "You don't really like-like your male classmate, Richard?" vibe, of course.</p><p>"So, how are you doing, Richie, after all this time? I hope you had great holidays."</p><p>Richie grimaced. How was he doing, really? That was quite a loaded question…</p><p>"Am I supposed to answer simply by yes or no? Because I don't think it'll be enough to truly describe how I'm actually feeling."</p><p>Dr. Norton nodded, showing that he understood Richie's predicament.</p><p>"Would you like to start with the good things or the bad stuff?"</p><p>Richie shrugged, shaking his leg nervously:</p><p>"Good stuff, I guess. I mean… Really, really good stuff."</p><p>A dreamy smile appeared on his lips, while Dr. Norton's face showed a hint of curiosity:</p><p>"Eddie and I are dating. For real. We're together-together."</p><p>Getting to say it out loud made Richie so happy that he would have almost flapped, just like Eddie tended to do whenever he felt joyful. God, he was really dating Eddie Kaspbrak. His old flame. The person who made him realize that he was definitely not straight. The man he was utterly gay for. Richie was dating him.</p><p>Dr. Norton smiled at his words and his visible enthusiasm, letting him know sincerely:</p><p>"I'm thrilled for you, Richie. You deserve to be happy, whatever it might imply. How are things going between the two of you? I was under the impression that Edward was not really knowledgeable when it comes to this kind of thing, from what you told me..."</p><p>Richie chuckled, thinking back to Eddie and the weird state of their relationship. To be honest, he wasn't much more knowledgeable when it came to this than Eddie. They just improvised, seeing how it went, discovering what they wanted slowly, progressively.</p><p>On one hand, Eddie barely learned that it was okay for him to masturbate and to touch Richie's cock without having to fear to hurt him. But on the other hand, Eddie was definitely eager, willing to do things that Richie could barely think about without his cheeks getting red and his brain reminding him again and again that he was still in his self-loathing phase, dealing with his internalized homophobia.</p><p>"We… We're taking things at our own pace. We actually came out to our friends, and it went well. We're still keeping it a secret from my folks, though. It's… complicated. Lots of stuff happened recently."</p><p>Richie took a deep breath, summarizing the last weeks to his therapist. How he and Eddie became a thing, Bowers's threat, his father's clumsy attempt to comfort him, how he came out to his friends, and so on. He talked a lot about Eddie as well. About his catatonic episode, the way he was currently working on his mother issues with his therapist and what it implied... How they were navigating this new relationship that was theirs, while keeping it hidden from his parents.</p><p>"I think Eddie would like me to come out to my parents and get it over with. He won't tell them because he knows that I don't want to, but I'm not sure he really understands what might happen if things went sour… Our friends took it well, so why would it be different with my folks?"</p><p>Richie sighed, fiddling with his glasses anxiously:</p><p>"Sometimes, I think he's right, and I just want to tell them. But I just have to remember how my mother kept teasing me about me having a girlfriend when I was younger or my father's words, how he seems utterly convinced that I was offended by the mere idea that Bowers would think that I'm gay… I have no idea how they're going to react, but I doubt they're going to put on the pride flag as soon as I'll be done with it."</p><p>Richie could do with it being awkward between them. With his mother hesitating to use the word "gay", with his dad trying clumsily to relate to his son or whatnot. It would be cringy, but he could handle it. But that wasn't the worst perspective. The worst outcome. They could decide that it was an issue Richie had to deal with. Something to fix. That Eddie had to be fixed as well. Richie couldn't stand the idea.</p><p>"I don't know what I'm supposed to do..."</p><p>Richie started to bit on his fingernails, while Dr. Norton was processing everything that his patient just said to him. He needed a few minutes to order his thoughts, starting with Henry Bowers' threat:</p><p>"I think you should really start to plan moving out of your town. Involve Edward as well, so that he will get accustomed to the idea quicker. This is not a safe place for you and I can't imagine you being able to get better while having to worry about all of that."</p><p>"You're probably right. It's just… I don't like to say it, but Eddie is in a fragile place right now, mentally speaking. I'm afraid that having to plan our moving out will only stress him further and slow down his recovery. I don't want to hinder his progress."</p><p>Richie didn't want to be the cause of another one of his regressive episodes. He was sure that talking about moving out more seriously than they did for now would trigger him, maybe bring him back to that moment he was forced to leave Derry with his mother, without even being able to say goodbye to his friends. Richie couldn't bear the thought of hearing him wail helplessly, thinking that he would be alone once again, away from the people he loved so much and who loved him back.</p><p>"As for your parents, Richie, I would like to tell you that you're wrong and that they're going to take it well for sure. I would love to tell you that your fear is baseless, but it's not. I can't tell you how they're going to react and I can't assure you that it'll bring you all closer. I think it's up to you to decide if you're ready to hide your true self to them for the rest of your life or if you're willing to take a leap of faith and risk losing them in the process."</p><p>Richie sighed once again, his throat closing up. To be honest, he had kinda hoped that his therapist would give him a pep talk so inspiring that he would be able to come out without a single doubt in his mind. But instead, he told him the truth, as raw and cruel it could be. No, he couldn't be sure that his parents would take it well. Yes, he might lose them entirely because they wouldn't accept him as he was. Or Eddie.</p><p>"But one thing you should know, Richie: your safety and well-being are what matter the most. If you decide to talk to them and it doesn't go well, don't agree to change for them. Leave if you have to. Rely on your friends, ask for help at the LGBT center, you could even call me, and I'll see what I can do. I'll do what I can to help you and take care of Edward as well. But never think that you might be broken and that you need to be fixed. It's not true."</p><p>Richie let out a sob, hiding his face in his hands. He was scared. He was so fucking scared. He didn't want to lose his folks, but he knew that he was going to talk to them at some point and that it was a real possibility. That he needed to start preparing himself and Eddie to this event and its consequences. He didn't want to. He didn't want to.</p><p>"Sometimes, I think that there's something wrong with me. I kiss Eddie, and I feel awful. As if I was tainting him. I don't know, I thought that it would just go away, now that I'm with Eddie. I love him, he loves me, I know that. But there's still this voice in my head, this gut feeling that tells me that I'm doing something bad and that I'm disgusting."</p><p>"We'll work on that together. I can't promise you that it will completely go away, but I'll help you to make the voice less and less convincing. You're not disgusting, and you're not tainting Edward by expressing your affection towards him. Are you the one initiating this kind of gesture, or is he demanding as well?"</p><p>Richie grimaced a bit, stopping to hide his face. He wiped his wet cheeks, taking a deep breath:</p><p>"You know, it's really awkward to talk about this stuff with you, Doc. I feel like in the next minutes, you're going to pull out a weird doll and asking me to point where I've been touched or something."</p><p>Dr. Norton chuckled at his attempt of a joke:</p><p>"I do have a monkey stuffed animal somewhere for my younger patients, if that's something you might be interested in."</p><p>"Hard pass. I don't think Mr. Monkey would enjoy getting a handjob." Richie cringed at his own words, cursing his motormouth. "Oh god, what the fuck did I just tell you? Can you forget it, please?"</p><p>"I'll do my best, I promise."</p><p>Richie smiled weakly, taking a deep breath, fiddling with his glasses.</p><p>"No, I'm not the one initiating, most of the time. Eddie is more eager to try things that I am. He's not ashamed or scared or anything like that. He's curious, and he wants to explore our relationship. I have to slow him down because I'm not ready, and he tends to react quite intensely, to the point that he might not always be able to care for himself after… hem… you know."</p><p>Richie blushed, feeling awfully awkward. It was so weird, talking about this aspect of his relationship with his therapist. He didn't want to share any details. He definitely didn't want to. Dr. Norton understood his embarrassment and proceeded to reassure him:</p><p>"We don't have to discuss anything that you're not willing to talk about, Richie. I will definitely advise you to meet a counselor at the LGBT center to discuss your relationship with Eddie and learn how to safely engage in whatever you'll want to do both. That's up to you to talk about these things with me as well or not."</p><p>"Yeah, I'll definitely do that. I don't know much about this stuff, and I don't want to hurt Eddie because of my inexperience. But thanks for giving me an out. I… It's just so fucking awkward. It's so weird that I can have this crass humor and say disgusting things all the time, but as soon as it's real, I'm just blushing like a fucking nun who saw a man's naked chest for the first time in her life."</p><p>Dr. Norton smiled at his words, writing a few things on the notebook that he had pulled out as soon as they started their session, tapping on the paper with his pen:</p><p>"There's nothing weird about it, Richie. Your humor allows you to detach yourself from the subject. But you're being serious and talking about something deeply intimate, that you're still learning to get at ease with. I would actually be quite surprised if you weren't embarrassed to talk about this topic."</p><p>Dr. Norton straightened up in his armchair, thinking about his next words:</p><p>"Keep talking with Edward, make sure that you're on the same page. It's a good thing that he's willing to try different things and doesn't struggle with the issues that you have to deal with, but it's important that he doesn't push you too much and that you allow him to understand fully why you need to take time and do things slowly. Good communication is essential to maintain a healthy relationship, no matter what kind of relation we're talking about."</p><p>"Yeah, I know. I'm trying. We're working on it. Eddie's very patient, it helps."</p><p>"That's a good thing. Don't hesitate to say no if you're not comfortable doing anything, alright? And it's the same for him. None of you should do anything you're not ready for."</p><p>Richie nodded pensively, thinking back to these intimate moments he shared with Eddie. He was relieved that his boyfriend didn't hesitate to stop to let him know about his fears, his worries. Richie never wanted Eddie to feel that he had to do something he didn't want to, only to please him. Never. In fact, if Eddie had never been willing to try anything remotely sexual, Richie would have gladly given up on this aspect of their relationship, enjoying what he got to have with his partner. Because he loved Eddie, no matter what.</p><p>"I'm glad for you, Richie, and rest assured that I'll be there to help you as long as you need me to do so. You're a good person, and there's nothing wrong with you. Whatever you decide to do about your parents, I'll be there to help you deal with all of that. You're not alone in this, Richie."</p><p>He needed that. Richie was relieved to know that he could count on his therapist, no matter what would happen. Of course, he knew that he had his friends and Eddie to help and that every single member of the Losers club would be happy to offer them a refuge if needed. But knowing that Dr. Norton, an authority figure he relied on, was willing to be there for him, even if things went sour… It really helped.</p><p>"Thanks, doc. I… uh… I think I want to talk with them about all of that. Not now, but… but I'll do it. I can't just keep it hidden for the rest of my life. I want my folks to get to meet the real Richie Tozier. Even if they might not accept him."</p><p>"I could help you with that. We could work on your coming out, determine where, when, and how you'll tell them. It's something that you should prepare yourself for, it doesn't have to be a spur of the moment. I'm sure people at the LGBT center will gladly support you as well."</p><p>"Yeah. I actually made a friend there, I'm sure she'll be okay to train me for this moment. Her name is Liz, I'm going to meet her after our appointment. I want her to meet Eddie, so I'm preparing the field."</p><p>Dr. Norton nodded approvingly, sharing his thoughts:</p><p>"It's a good thing that you made friends outside of Derry and that you're willing to spend some time without Edward by your side. I actually thought of something for your partner, so that he would be able to meet some of his peers and socialize on his own as well."</p><p>Dr. Norton pulled out a card, that he gave to Richie. It was a card for an association set in the town of Newport, Maine. Not too far from here. Richie could easily drive Eddie there and go back for him once he would be done.</p><p>"It's an association that has been created to allow autistic people to meet and interact with their peers. Their meetings happen twice every month, and they usually organize some activities to help everyone feel at ease. I called them to ask for some info, and they're willing to welcome Edward if he's okay with the idea. It is supported by volunteers, family members, and social and medical workers. He'll be well looked after. And if he's not into it, then he won't have to go back. Simple as that."</p><p>Richie played nervously with the card. On one hand, it would probably be good for Eddie to meet his peers, people who could truly understand him, and who might help him on his path to acceptance and recovery. On the other hand, Richie feared the idea that they might infantilize Eddie, no matter how well-meaning they were. He'll have to talk about it with him. If Eddie didn't want to give it a try, Richie wouldn't force him to do so.</p><p>"Thanks for the tip, Doc. I'll see what Eddie wants to do."</p><p>"No worries. If Edward decides to go, let me know how it went, okay?"</p><p>Richie nodded distractedly, putting the card in his pocket. They talked a bit more about various subjects, until it was time for Richie to leave. He took a deep breath, feeling relieved after having spoken so freely about what was troubling him. Now, he could spend some time with Liz…</p><p>*</p><p>When Richie arrived at her flat, Liz greeted him with a hug and an enthusiastic "Congrats, kiddo!", pulling him into her apartment. She had set up glasses of champagne on her coffee table, a sight that made him laugh. Liz was truly something else… He sat on her couch, while she was giving him his glass, ranting happily:</p><p>"I'm so glad for you, Richie, you can't even imagine! I want to know everything, especially the juicy details."</p><p>Richie grimaced, and she laughed, adding cheekily:</p><p>"Okay, okay, keep the interesting parts for yourself, you selfish bastard. I still want you to tell me how it happened. And I want to know everything about Eddie. But first, let's drink to you and your beautiful love story. Cheers!"</p><p>Their glasses tinted and Richie took a sip of his drink, a smile on his face:</p><p>"Thanks, Liz. Actually, Eddie's the one who took the first step. He kissed me first."</p><p>"Oh, that must have been so romantic! How did it happen?"</p><p>Richie told her about his first kiss underwater, and Liz sighed dreamily:</p><p>"That's so fucking cute. I definitely need to add that to my bucket list. So you kissed, and then what?"</p><p>"Well, things stayed awkward for most of the day. But once we were together, we talked about it and… uh… it turns out that Eddie confessed to me before, but I didn't understand it. He told me that he loved me in ASL. And when I told him that I didn't get it, he pretended that he told me to fuck off."</p><p>Liz stayed silent for a few seconds, before she started to grin and to laugh mercilessly:</p><p>"You two are such dorks, I can't believe it. You definitely belong to each other."</p><p>"Hey! Uh… thanks, I guess. Anyway, we're together now. And… And I love him so fucking much."</p><p>"That's definitely obvious. If you could see your face when you're talking about him… Those are quite the heart eyes, you lover boy."</p><p>Richie blushed slightly at the thought. Was it really that visible? He just really loved Eddie, how could he even proceed to hide that? Still, his parents didn't seem to be aware of it. Or were they? Richie wasn't sure to like the idea, if they indeed were and decided to stay silent on the matter…</p><p>"So we're here to prepare our future meeting. Damn, I can't wait to meet Eddie, after everything you told me about him. I bet he's freaking cute."</p><p>"He is." Richie smiled tenderly, thinking about the way Eddie looked at him with his big doe eyes, filled with affection and love. He shook his head to ground himself into reality and talk about what mattered. "You should probably not tell him, though. He might not appreciate it."</p><p>"Don't worry, I'll keep myself under control. I don't want to scare him on our first meeting."</p><p>Liz took a sip, staring at her ceiling, thoughtful:</p><p>"To be honest with you, I don't know a single thing about autism. You gotta tell me what I should probably avoid doing. I don't want to trigger him unwillingly. He's your partner, and you're my friend, I just hope we can be friends as well."</p><p>Richie nodded. He was prepared for that. He kinda knew that Liz was probably not very knowledgeable when it came to Eddie's disability. That she was willing to learn and work on her behavior to put him at ease was already a step in the right direction.</p><p>"So, first thing first, Eddie can definitely understand what you're telling him. So if you want to tell him something, just tell him, okay? Don't talk to me instead, and don't feel the need to dumb down your words. If he doesn't get what you're saying, he'll tell you or ask me."</p><p>"Okay, got it. I guess I should avoid calling him kiddo or anything like that as well?"</p><p>Richie grimaced at the thought. He knew how Liz was, but he doubted that Eddie would appreciate the nickname or be treated like that, even jokingly. Not so early in their relationship.</p><p>"Yeah, that would be for the best. We'll see later for the nicknames and all."</p><p>Liz nodded with a serious expression on her face. She seemed really decided to put Eddie at ease and befriend him. Richie appreciated it.</p><p>"He's not too keen on physical contact with strangers, so unless he's initiating it, just avoid it altogether, okay? If he wants to shake your hand, he'll do it."</p><p>"No probs. I'll hug you and bugger you instead."</p><p>Richie chuckled at the idea. Taking a sip of his glass, he ordered his thoughts, trying to determine what they needed to talk about as well.</p><p>"So, uh, if you can, try to not mention his stimming." Seeing her clueless expression, Richie knew that he needed to be more specific. "Uh, self-stimulatory behavior. Gestures and noises that he might do to calm himself down or because he's particularly happy about something or whatnot. He might suck on his fingers or hum or flap his hands, among other things. It's normal, and it's okay for him to do so. I don't want him to feel that he should restrain himself."</p><p>"Okay, duly noted. Thanks for the warning, I would have definitely been a bit put off if I saw him act like that without further notice. If it's helping him, then that's all that matters. Should I know anything else?"</p><p>Richie appreciated Liz being frank and direct about her potential uneasiness. He could definitely picture her raising an eyebrow, witnessing Eddie's stimming, and he didn't want his boyfriend to force himself to stop what would help him feel at ease.</p><p>"Uh, he might get tired of us socializing at some point. Don't take it personally if he's asking to go home or starts to lose interest in our discussion, okay? I know that your flat is a bit tiny, but is there a place where he could get some rest or something if he needs to?"</p><p>Liz shrugged, looking around her, thinking about it for a while:</p><p>"I guess I could put up a blanket fort or something. I could lend him some earmuffs if he needs it. He's sensitive to noise, if I remember correctly?"</p><p>"Yeah, quite a bit. I think he's going to like the idea of the blanket fort. We should definitely build one in my room too. I'm pretty sure he never got to do that before. I'm not going to enter into any detail, but he had a fucked up childhood."</p><p>"Okay, so I'll avoid talking about his parents, I guess. Not like I have much happier things to share about my family anyway. They choose their beliefs over their own daughter, after all."</p><p>Richie tightened his grip on his glass. He wasn't sure he wanted to ask, but he still did it, hesitantly:</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>Liz shook her head, downing her glass in one go.</p><p>"Not now. Later, maybe. I don't know. I don't like to talk about it."</p><p>"That's fine. You don't have to. I just… If you need to, I'm here."</p><p>Liz smiled at him, ruffling his hair:</p><p>"You're the best, Richie. So, okay, I won't treat Eddie like a kid, I'm not going to bat an eye at his stimming, and I'm not going to get offended if he doesn't want to interact with me any longer. Fine by me. Anything else?"</p><p>Richie was thinking about the subject when his cellphone rang. He immediately picked up the call, his mother informing him that Eddie was sick and that he should try to get back home as soon as possible. Richie let her know that he was on his way, sighing deeply once he hung up.</p><p>"Eddie's sick. I'm sorry, I have to go home."</p><p>"Hey, no worries. We'll have more time later. Call me to let me know that you're both okay, alright? And we'll plan our meeting as well."</p><p>"Yeah. Thanks, Liz. Really."</p><p>Liz shrugged, taking their glasses and putting them in her sink.</p><p>"Don't thank me. I'm doing the bare minimum your partner should aspire to. Treating him like any other human being I came across in my life."</p><p>Richie got up from the couch, straightening up, sighing once again:</p><p>"Believe it or not, that's more than most people he met are ever willing to do."</p><p>"I can definitely believe it."</p><p>She hugged Richie affectionately, a kind gesture that he definitely appreciated from her. He needed it. He was getting more worried by the minute, knowing that Eddie was sick and probably terrified of this fact, after everything his mother put him through. He had to go home quickly.</p><p>He excused himself and left promptly, doing everything he could to get back to Eddie as soon as possible. Managing to reassure Eddie and get him to take his meds proved itself to be quite tricky, but Richie was stubborn and decided to ease his boyfriend's worries and help him get better. He kept him distracted for the rest of the day, so that he wouldn't get overwhelmed by the idea that he was sick for real, something he was definitely struggling with.</p><p>At some point, while they were reading some comic books, lying down on their bed, Eddie rested his head against Richie's shoulder, falling asleep. He was snoring and wheezing, shaking slightly despite the blanket covering him and the soft pajamas that he was wearing. Richie grimaced, knowing that he probably got sick after they stupidly decided to get naked and horny at the clubhouse, in the middle of the winter. They should know better than that. Richie should know better than that.</p><p>He pulled out the card that his therapist gave him from his pocket, fiddling with it anxiously. He totally forgot to talk about it to Eddie, but he'll have to. Richie just hoped that, if Eddie decided to give it a try, it would be a pleasant experience for him… He deserved to have a good time and to make some new friends. People who could understand him in a way Richie would never be able to, despite his best efforts...</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Honestly, I wish my ex-partner would have been as supportive as Richie can be for Eddie, when it comes to his disability. My ex-boyfriend was always so hesitant when it came to my autism, as if it was a bad word or something. </p><p>If you're wondering, Eddie definitely allowed Richie to discuss his disability with Liz beforehand. Richie would have stayed silent on the matter if Eddie wanted him to. I can't wait to write their encounter! I'm really impatient to write Eddie spending time at the autism association too. I'm probably going to take some inspiration from my own experience at my old social skills group, which definitely had its positives and negatives. </p><p>Richie's working on his issues progressively and he's decided to set things straight, pun not intended, with his parents, no matter what will happen. I already know how I want that to happen, but I'll see when it's going to be...</p><p>Thank you for still being there. I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos to let me know what you thought. I'll never get tired of reading what you thought about my story and to answer you as soon as possible.</p><p>Take care, all of you, and see you soon!</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone! Welcome to the 17th chapter of this fanfic! Gosh, I realized that I've written more than 70 chapters for this story, I never thought I would write so much. I don't think I ever written so much for a story, by the way. Thinking that I'll be able to offer it a satisfying conclusion at some point, it's just so comforting! But we're not at this point yet.</p><p>Thank you all for your support and your kind words. I'm getting new readers here and there and you're also still there and it really helps to handle my daily life and the stress of my job. I hope you're all doing okay and that you're taking care of yourself as well.</p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for r-word<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for mention of abuse<br/>TW for mention of homophobia</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie was slowly recovering, his mind getting clearer each day passing by, his fever now entirely gone. </p><p>He had been quite surprised to realize that he was allowed to leave his room, expecting to be cooped up in their bedroom until he was completely cured, Richie carrying trays of food to him so that he would be able to eat, despite staying in bed. But they actually let him choose what he wanted to do, and Eddie decided to eat with them, sitting at the table, getting to enjoy his family's company.</p><p>It wasn't the end of the world. Eddie was sick, and it was okay. He still had trouble realizing that there was nothing grand or earth-shattering to this fact. That, while they were caring for him, they didn't treat him as inherently helpless, someone who couldn't take care of himself under any circumstances. It was… It was weird. Eddie needed some time to get used to it.</p><p>The hardest part had probably been the fact that he had to take a sick day and not join Mike at the library. Eddie felt awfully guilty at the idea and even tried to convince everyone that he could still handle a working day, even though he was still feverish and exhausted back then. He kept insisting, until Richie called Mike on the phone, and Mike let Eddie know that he should definitely stay at home and not try to come. That it didn't mean that he was going to lose his job or that Mike would think any less of him.</p><p>Eddie only dropped the subject when his friend reminded him that, sick as he was, he was likely to contaminate the books he would handle and spread out his germs. Eddie didn't want to cause anyone to get sick because of him. He was already awfully worried about Richie, who insisted on touching him, hugging him, kissing him, as if he couldn't get sick himself. Eddie voiced his concerns multiple times, but Richie always reassured him, letting him know that he was solid and that, even if he were to get sick, it wouldn't be dramatic.</p><p>"In fact, I might even get mom to cook some of my favorite stuff if I caught your germs, Eddie Spaghetti. D'you noticed how extra caring she is with you? You could ask her anything, and she would bring it to you. You lucky bastard!"</p><p>Eddie didn't like this idea. He didn't want to abuse Maggie's generosity and kindness, especially not after having snapped at her while highly feverish. He still felt awfully guilty about that, thinking of himself as an ungrateful brat. Maggie deserved so much better from him. Went too. And also Richie.</p><p>Being sick brought back Eddie's self-loathing at a high level, making him more likely to regress during the day as well. He often found himself calling out to his mom, despite knowing very well that she wasn't there and would never be able to answer back. He would cower, feeling a hand on his forehead or somewhere else on his skin, only to realize that it was Richie or his parents and that they weren't going to take away his plush or comics for any reason they might have.</p><p>The worst was still during the night, though. Or whenever Eddie was sleeping. He was always brought back to his mother in some way, although the nightmares always differed. One time, she was invading his library, and Mike actually pushed him towards her, telling Eddie that it was the only way and that he didn't want a whiny baby as a friend anymore.</p><p>During one of his naps, he dreamed of her walking on Richie and himself while they were in the clubhouse, grabbing him by the arm, throwing him into a bathtub, and scrubbing his skin raw until Eddie was nothing more than flesh and bones. This time, Eddie actually woke up screaming and curled up under the bed, scratching his arms furiously, so far gone that he was unable to recognize Richie or understand what he was telling him.</p><p>Richie had to force him out and bandage his arms quickly to avoid any serious injury, while Eddie was wailing fearfully, going as far as wetting his pajamas in terror, something he hadn't done in many, many years.</p><p>Eddie didn't remember any second of this episode, but he did notice that he was dressed differently when he came back to his senses. When he asked Richie about that, Richie only told him that he was sweating so much that they had to change his clothes urgently. Eddie didn't inquire further, only relieved to have Richie by his side and to know that he was safe and still free to do what he wanted and go where he wanted to go in their house.</p><p>Currently, they were alone, Went at his work, Maggie at a secretarial training for her future job. Eddie was lying down on the couch, covered by a plaid, his head resting on Richie's knees. He was watching the western movie that they rented, back at Richie's previous workplace, having quite a good time. Less tired, he was able to easily follow the action, laughing at the funny parts, enjoying the assumed campiness of the movie.</p><p>From times to times, he was cooing happily, while Richie was caressing his hair gently and launching himself into one of his Voices here and there, all too enthusiastic about pulling out what he called his "cow-boy accent". Even when the movie ended, Richie carried on with the "Howdy" and Eddie would lie if he pretended that it didn't have the slightest effect on him. He kinda wanted to see Richie sporting a cow-boy outfit, in fact…</p><p>Once the movie was entirely over, Richie turned off the tv, and Eddie shifted his position, keeping his head on his partner's knees, his face turned towards him. Richie bent over, kissing him tenderly, catching on his falling glasses at the last second before they fell onto Eddie's face. Eddie chuckled at the sight, while Richie was cursing under his breath:</p><p>"Stupid glasses. They always ruin everything."</p><p>"<em>You do need them to see anything, though." </em></p><p>"Yeah, but it doesn't mean that I have to like them, right? They made my eyes look too big, and it's like they're eating most of my face. They bring out my buck teeth too and..."</p><p>Eddie whined protestingly, furrowing his eyebrows. He caressed Richie's face, putting his index finger on his lips to make him shut up:</p><p>"<em>I like your glasses. Your eyes. Your teeth. Your face. I love everything about you, but I don't like it when you're being mean to yourself." </em></p><p>Eddie clearly noticed Richie blushing at his words, muttering something that he didn't catch on. He was sincere. Eddie liked Richie's qualities and flaws, his flattering features as well as his imperfections. To be perfectly honest, he didn't care much about his physical appearance, although Eddie liked looking at him. He loved the person that Richie was, more than what his eyes allowed him to see.</p><p>Eddie took Richie's hand, playing gently with his fingers, bringing them to his lips from times to times to kiss them. He knew that it was careless, but Richie was already entirely exposed to his germs, so he might as well enjoy his presence and care for him in the way he liked. Sniffling, Eddie focused entirely on Richie when he called him by his name, raising an eyebrow at the card he was showing him. Eddie took it between in his hand, reading the words written on it. AAN. Autism Association of Newport.</p><p>"My therapist gave that to me, during our previous session. They have meetings twice monthly. You could meet other autistic people. Maybe make some new friends. And have fun too. I don't know the details, but they're supposed to organize events, hold activities, and whatnot."</p><p>Eddie hummed thoughtfully, fiddling with the card. It was something they talked about before, this kind of thing, but now that it was more concrete, he didn't really know what to make of it. The idea of meeting new people scared him a little, especially knowing that they would be autistic like him.</p><p>He didn't really know why, but the idea worried him slightly. Would Richie be with him? And if he was, how would he react, seeing other autistic people, being able to compare them with Eddie? Maybe he would realize that Eddie was lesser than them. That he could do many more things if only he worked harder on himself, if only he was coddled less…</p><p>Eddie whimpered and Richie, concerned, immediately wrapped him in his arms, shushing him gently:</p><p>"Hey, hey, nothing to worry about. It's entirely up to you. If you don't want to go there, we won't. There's no wrong choice there."</p><p>"<em>You'll</em> <em>be there?" </em></p><p>Richie smiled at him, nodding as an answer:</p><p>"Of course, if you want me to. Dr. Norton thinks it would do us some good if you had an activity that we didn't share, but if you feel better and reassured to know that I'm here, then I'll be by your side. Don't worry your pretty little head about any of that."</p><p>Richie kissed him on the forehead, and Eddie sighed, closing his eyes for a second. He touched his skin, just right where Richie's lips brushed him, appreciating the feeling. He whined, a wordless ask, and Richie understood immediately, kissing him once again at the exact same spot. Eddie chuckled at the sensation, grabbing Richie's hand and holding it tenderly.</p><p>He used his other hand to tell him, his frank nature pushing him to confess:</p><p>"<em>Are you going to be angry if I'm not like them?" </em></p><p>Richie raised an eyebrow at his words, confused. He squeezed Eddie's hand, answering softly and reassuringly:</p><p>"There's no reason for me to be angry at you. Do you want to elaborate? I'm not sure I understand..."</p><p>Eddie sniffled, nodding and launching himself into one of his rants, typing quickly on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>I only met other autistic people briefly before, but I know that some of them can talk and live on their own. Mommy told me that they weren't really autistic and just wanted the attention, but I know that she's not always right, so she must be wrong about that too." </em></p><p>Richie grimaced at his words, his facial expression confirming Eddie's thoughts. After all, before his mother abused him specifically to strip him of his independence and force him to rely entirely on her, Eddie had been able to talk audibly, although he was prone to nonverbal episodes whenever he was too anxious.</p><p>He was able to go to school and pursue his education without much help needed. He was autistic back then, and he was still autistic now. Him being entirely nonverbal and having to rely on Richie and his family for many more things than he used to, that didn't make him more autistic, only unable to mask and fool others into thinking that he wasn't disabled.</p><p>"<em>I can't talk. I can't do many things. I'm trying to, but I can't figure it out. Those people, they probably know how to do tons of stuff that I can't even dream of. They're going to think I'm stupid or whiny. And you'll think that too." </em></p><p>Richie let out an offended noise from the back of his throat. He helped Eddie straighten up, looking at him with a serious expression, cupping his face gently between his hands:</p><p>"I don't care about <em>them. </em>They could bend time and space, and I still wouldn't care. They're not you, Eddie, and the fact that you're sharing a diagnosis doesn't mean that you have to walk at the same pace or be able to do the same things or anything like that. You do things your own way, and it's perfectly fine by me."</p><p>Richie smiled, pinching Eddie's cheek gently. Eddie whined, trying to bat his hand away. He settled on caressing his hair, Eddie leaning into Richie while he was doing so:</p><p>"Hey, I have ADHD, and I'm definitely not as well-balanced and functional as other people with this diagnosis. I'm jobless, still living with my folks, and I haven't studied past high school. Can you imagine if I tried to compare myself to the Fonz'?"</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow, detaching himself from Richie to look at him with a curious expression:</p><p>"Yeah, Henry Winkler, Fonzie from Happy Days. You know the show, right?"</p><p>Eddie nodded. He caught glimpses of it, when his mother spent most of her non-working days watching TV.</p><p>"Anyway, he has ADHD too. And he's dyslexic. He's cool as fuck. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. What would you say if I told you that I'm stupid because I can't measure up to the Fonz'?"</p><p>Eddie grimaced at his words. He hugged Richie for a second, before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>I'd</em> <em>tell you that you're better than the Fonz' because you're Richie Tozier, and I love you. And that I don't care about him or anyone else. You're you, and it's more than enough. I love you so much." </em></p><p>Eddie sniffled, while Richie was digesting his words and letting out a strangled "Thanks, Eds.". Richie cleared his throat, before managing to speak again:</p><p>"See? That's the same with you. You don't have to be a freaking genius for me to love you. You're doing what you can to recover from the horrible stuff you went through, and I'm admiring you for your bravery. I don't know if I'd still be able to smile and laugh after what you had to experience. You're strong, so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'm never going to compare you to any of your peers, and you should do the same. They have their strengths, just like you, and it doesn't make them better, just like their difficulties that you don't have don't make them any lesser than you."</p><p>Eddie nodded, grabbing Richie's shirt, adjusting his head so that he would be able to hear his partner's heartbeat. He liked this soothing sound. It reminded him that Richie was there, by his side, and that all of this was real. Tangible. He sighed softly, Richie caressing his hair and the back of his neck:</p><p>"Anyway, if you're willing to go there, you'll be the one in charge. If you don't want to go back, we won't. If you make a friend and you want to see them in another context, I'll do what I can to allow you to do so. It's your thing, Eddie. You get to decide whatever you want to do."</p><p>At Richie's words, Eddie thought back to his first weeks at the Tozier's house. How hard it was back then for him to make a single choice, even when he was presented with clear and limited options. Richie always encouraged him to think by himself and make decisions based on what he wanted, not what he thought people wanted of him. And even though he was still having a hard time here and there not to fall back on old habits, Eddie definitely got better at it.</p><p>He took a deep breath, wheezing slightly because of his stuffy nose, before nodding, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>I want to try. But I'd like you to be there with me first. If you're okay with that." </em></p><p>Richie smiled widely, kissing Eddie's lips shortly, his eyes full of love and affection:</p><p>"Of course, Eds. I'll call them and see when the next meeting will take place. I'll be there with you at all times. If you want to leave, we'll leave. No questions asked."</p><p>Eddie felt his throat closing up, seeing how Richie trusted him and valued his opinion. His sickness and being tired made him more emotive than usual, but it wasn't just that. His mom never asked once how he was feeling, if he was okay with her writing about him, flaunting him everywhere, using him as a prop. She never wondered if he didn't want to take part in his therapy sessions. Not once in her life, she asked him what he wanted to do.</p><p>But things were different now. Richie, Maggie, Went, Mike, the Losers… They all cared about what he was thinking, what he wanted to do. They never forced him to do anything and, if they tried to steer him away from something, they always explained why and he still had the last word. They wouldn't take away his independence for "his own good", as his mother pretended to do.</p><p>And he was always involved as well. Just like now, Richie switching topics to discuss with him the possibility of moving out, especially if his coming out didn't go well. Eddie listened to him attentively, lying down again on the couch, head on his knees.</p><p>"We don't have to go too far. Bangor would be a good option, I think. We wouldn't have to switch therapists, and you already know the town, so it wouldn't be like you had to throw yourself into the unknown completely. Bangor is definitely more lively than Derry, so I should be able to find a job as a waiter or something. You can also rely on your mother's books' income until we're settled. And if we can convince Mike to come, I'm pretty sure he could find a job as a librarian too. They would be stupid not to hire him."</p><p>Eddie nodded approvingly. He was trying to get used to the idea of moving out and, despite the painful twist in his guts, it wasn't as anxiety-inducing as he thought it would. Maybe because he had something to look for. Because he would be with Richie at every step. Because it would allow them to be happy and free.</p><p>Playing with Richie's hand, he brought it to his lips to kiss it softly. Richie let him do so with a tender smile, sighing heavily:</p><p>"We'll prepare all of that together, okay? Looking for a flat, a job and whatnot. I won't say yes to anything if you're not there to tell me that you're okay as well. Once it's settled, I… I'll talk to my parents. About us."</p><p>Richie's voice cracked slightly on his last words. He took a deep breath, while Eddie whined worryingly:</p><p>"I'm fine, Eds. It's just… Fuck, I'm so fucking scared. I talked with my therapist and… and I definitely want to, but…"</p><p>He closed his eyes, muttering under his breath:</p><p>"I love my parents. I love them so much. I don't want to lose them. I need them."</p><p>Eddie kissed Richie's hand, holding it to his cheek tenderly. If only he had the words to comfort him… If only he could assure him that everything would be fine… But Eddie didn't know. He couldn't predict how Maggie and Went were going to react. If they would accept them or try to change them. A part of him believed that they would love him and Richie no matter what, but he remembered his therapist's words, and he knew that he couldn't be utterly naive about that.</p><p>That there was still a chance that they might no accept it. That they might think that there was something wrong with them loving each other. And if it was the case, Eddie had to be prepared to turn his back from them and walk away from Maggie and Went, the people he loved so much, his real parents. And even though it hurt him to think about that, he knew that he would be able to move on. He already lost his family once. He could survive losing it twice. As long as Richie was there.</p><p>"<em>No matter what, I'll be with you, Richie. You and me, until the fucking end." </em></p><p>Eddie straightened up, throwing himself at Richie to kiss him and hold him in his arms. Richie let him take the wheel, moaning lovingly, tears rolling down his cheeks. Eddie didn't deepen their kiss, too tired to handle their make-out session turning into something else. Instead, he wiped Richie's cheeks, kissing his tears away, before curling up against him, feeling utterly safe and trusting. Richie was more than happy to hold him close, resting his head against Eddie's:</p><p>"Thanks, Eds. I… You don't know how much it means to me, knowing that you'll be there even if..."</p><p>Richie couldn't bring himself to finish his sentence. Eddie shushed him, squeezing his hand, covering it with kisses full of love. Richie chuckled at the feeling, wiggling his fingers slightly:</p><p>"I'm never going to wash my hands, if you keep kissing them like that. I'll be able to feel your lips on my skin for the rest of my life."</p><p>Eddie groaned, a disgusted expression on his face:</p><p>"<em>I'll</em> <em>never kiss you again if you don't wash your hands. Or the rest of your body. It's gross." </em></p><p>Eddie kept on peppering his hands with kisses, a bit more intensely, and Richie laughed:</p><p>"I'm starting to think that you like it when it's gross, Eds. You're kinky."</p><p>Eddie didn't know what that word meant, but he didn't care. Focused on his task, decided to worship Richie's big hands as he felt they deserved it, he kissed them, again and again, focusing on his fingertips. At some point, his eyes slightly glassy, he parted his lips, putting Richie's index finger in his mouth and sucking on it feverishly. Richie had laughed at his eagerness, but he stopped doing so as soon as Eddie started to suck on his finger, feeling his tongue moving up and down, wrapping around his skin.</p><p>"E… Eds..."</p><p>Eddie looked at Richie, with this defiant gaze that seemed to dare him to ask him to stop. But Richie didn't want to. As weird as it was, he loved what he was currently feeling, and he loved seeing Eddie's stim extending to his own body, sucking his finger as naturally as if he was sucking his own. Richie pushed gently another one of his fingers into Eddie's mouth, and Eddie took it eagerly, wrapping his lips around them, lapping and sucking.</p><p>The noises he was making were close to obscene, and Richie was clearly red, his breathing ragged. He couldn't stop looking at Eddie, getting used to the feeling of his lips around his long fingers, his heart skipping a beat when Eddie let out a strangled moan. They couldn't do that. Not here, not there. His mom was going to come home at any minute and… and… Oh fuck, why was he so turned on by that?</p><p>Richie shook his head to clear his thoughts and caressed Eddie's hair with his free hand, trying to get his attention:</p><p>"Hey, let's keep that for later, okay? Whatever it is. I don't know why, but I like it. But if you don't stop now, I'm going to pop a boner, and I can't imagine how I'll be able to explain that to my mom."</p><p>Eddie pouted, which was the cutest thing Richie had seen this day, his boyfriend scowling over the fact that he couldn't keep on sucking his fingers, but he relented and let him go, wiping his lips and his chin, coated with saliva. Richie washed his hands, and Eddie followed him around, offering to help when he started to cook their meal for this evening.</p><p>All the while, Richie kept looking at him, gaze full of love and a hint of something else that Eddie clearly noticed. Eddie liked it. He loved it whenever Richie focused entirely on him and looked at him like he was one of the seventh wonders of this world. It made him feel important. Appreciated. Adored.</p><p>At some point, Richie cleared his throat, asking him with an awkward expression on his face:</p><p>"So… uh… that thing with my fingers before… I have some questions. If you don't mind."</p><p>Eddie nodded, visibly curious. Richie took a deep breath, finally asking multiple things in a row:</p><p>"Is it a sexual thing? Do you want to do it again? Do you think you can take more of my fingers in your mouth, if that's the case?"</p><p>Eddie couldn't help, but smile at how red Richie's face was. He still needed time to think about it. Humming under his breath, tapping his fingers on his chest, Eddie finally managed to answer, without a single hint of embarrassment in his body language:</p><p>"<em>It's</em><em> not necessarily sexual, I think. I mean, it can be. It definitely was when I started to do it on the couch." </em></p><p>Richie audibly gulped at his frank words and Eddie chuckled, caressing his face gently:</p><p>"<em>But when I do it to myself, it's comforting, just like it feels good when I flap my hands or hum happily. If you want me to do it again..." </em></p><p>Richie nodded vigorously before Eddie could finish his sentence. He didn't know why he liked it, but he did. Feeling Eddie's lips wrapped on his fingers like that, it was… Richie didn't have the words to describe it. It wasn't just sexual for him either. Being part of one of Eddie's comforting gestures, just like when he was playing with his hand or his shirt, it meant a lot for him. It meant that Eddie was trusting him completely. And that his tiny germaphobic boyfriend was willing to put Richie's fingers in his mouth, even when he didn't wash them before right to his face… It was a lot.</p><p>Eddie started to type on his lightwriter again, and Richie focused wholly on him, his heartbeat rising slightly:</p><p>"<em>I'll</em> <em>be happy to do it again. I like it. It makes me feel warm and safe. And I can definitely take more than two fingers in my mouth." </em></p><p>Eddie grinned widely, but Richie didn't have the time to say anything. His mother came home, greeting them with a tired voice, thanking them for taking upon themselves to make dinner. She inquired about Eddie's well-being, and he assured that he was feeling fine, which was the truth. Still, he was relieved to sit down and rest a little, while Maggie took over and helped Richie.</p><p>Eddie wasn't always very perceptive, but he could still see the invisible wall between them, that same wall that existed between Went and Richie. The weight of his secret. Resting his head on his closed fist, Eddie looked at them thoughtfully, wondering how Maggie could bring herself to stop loving them because of their sexual orientation. Would it change anything, really? They were still the same, the boys that Maggie loved so much, her son and Eddie, whom she thought of as a family member as well. Why would she stop loving them?</p><p>Because you're disgusting, Eddie Bear. Because you're disgusting, stupid, and that no one will ever be able to truly love you. Because I was the only one who ever loved you and you killed me. You killed your mommy. How could you? No one will ever love you after that. Not Maggie. Not Went. Not Richie. Not your friends. Not Richie's friends. No one. Disgusting. Stupid. Retarded. Disgusting.</p><p>As most of the time, none of them had been able to predict that Eddie would regress. Focused on their cooking, Maggie and Richie immediately dropped everything when they heard Eddie moaning fearfully, calling for his mom:</p><p>"Mo..."</p><p>He didn't want Maggie to stop loving him or Richie. He didn't want to lose Went either. Eddie was strong, but he loved them. He loved them, and he was scared of losing them, even if he didn't want to admit it. So scared that it suddenly triggered him, his mother's voice invading his mind, taking him away progressively from his reality.</p><p>He slumped down to the floor, curling up there and holding his knees painfully to his chest, rocking back and forth. Flinching when Richie touched him, he raised an arm and moaned pitifully, thinking that he was going to be hit or punished in some way. Because he was disgusting and still felt that he deserved to be loved. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.</p><p>Kneeling down in front of him, Richie whispered soft words to him, not trying to make sense, only to reassure Eddie and bring him back from his tormented thoughts. Eddie couldn't understand what he was saying, not right now, but it helped him calm down. He stopped trying to protect himself from an upcoming hit, gazing at Richie with his far-away stare, mouth agape. Richie helped him up, leading him to the couch and covering him with his plaid. He went to look for Eddie's plush, and Eddie hugged it, biting and sucking noisily on its ear, making himself as small as he could not to be a bother. To not anger his mom, who deserved better than a bad son. He had to be good. A good boy. A nice boy.</p><p>All the while, he kept hearing her voice, feeling her hands on his skin, smothering him and making him feel tiny, so tiny and fragile. Because that's what he was. Fragile and stupid. He needed his mommy, and she wasn't there anymore. Or maybe she was? Eddie was awfully confused right now. He wasn't sure where he was, when he was. He felt young and scared, unable to care for himself. He only knew one thing, and it was that he didn't know anything. That he needed his mommy.</p><p>At some point, he felt hands on his body, on his arms, pulling him up, leading him to the kitchen table. He stood there next to his chair, hugging his stuffed animal, waiting to be guided furthermore. Because that's how it happened. Because his mommy decided for him what he had to do and he didn't know any better.</p><p>He heard a voice, that he loosely managed to identify as Richie's, talking gently to him, but he couldn't understand him, and he wasn't even quite sure that he was truly there, speaking to him. His mommy wouldn't let anyone visit him if he was sick, after all. Only if he had homework to do, and Eddie didn't go to school anymore. Or did he?</p><p>Pliant between whoever's hands, Eddie finally sat on his chair. He noticed the food on the table and parted his lips, waiting to be fed. A fork was put between his fingers, but Eddie let it go. He couldn't use it. He didn't know how. He needed his mommy. His mommy fed him. Washed him. Dressed him up. She knew how to care for him, and he knew that he had to let her do it, because he was stupid and he couldn't do any of that.</p><p>Richie's voice, again. He was pushing something towards him, a device that seemed definitely familiar to Eddie, but Eddie merely whined and pulled on his hair. It was confusing, everything was so confusing. He was tired, he was hungry, he was sick, he wanted his mommy, he needed her. His whine started to turn into a scream, but he suddenly saw a spoon filled with food, and he immediately calmed down, parting his lips obediently, folding his hands on his lap as he had been forcefully taught to do during his therapy sessions.</p><p>He ate what was given to him, keeping himself as still and quiet as possible. He was being a good boy. Mommy would be proud. Mommy wouldn't hurt him. Mommy would keep loving him because he was a nice, good boy. She wasn't going to hate him, as long as he kept being a good boy. He wouldn't be alone. He would still be loved.</p><p>When the meal was finished, Eddie waited on his mommy to praise him and caress his body in this way that he learned to tolerate, since he definitely didn't like it. At any minute, she would tell him that he was a good boy and that she loved him. But she didn't. Eddie whined fearfully, touching himself in the way his mom and his therapist used to touch him, trying to articulate:</p><p>"G… Guh… Guh'b..."</p><p>A gentle shush, a soft hand in his hair. Eddie stopped trying to talk, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch, sighing deeply. He was tired. He was so tired. He wanted to go to bed and have his mommy kiss him good night. Because it would mean that she still loved him. And he needed to be sure of that. He didn't really know why, but he had to.</p><p>He let himself be guided through the rest of the evening, keeping himself still and pliant. Someone could have made him jump out the window, and he wouldn't have even tried to resist. They knew better than him. His mommy knew better than him. He was washed and dressed up in his pajamas, his teeth brushed, his hair combed.</p><p>Led to his bed, he sighed with relief when he felt lips on his forehead (Maggie's lips? His mom? He didn't know). It meant that he was a good boy. It meant that he was still loved. He curled up on himself, humming under his breath. And he heard his voice, calling out to him so cautiously, so softly:</p><p>"Eds?"</p><p>Eddie whined as an answer. He saw his hand, getting close to his mouth, and Eddie held it, pushing Richie's fingers between his lips, sucking on them. He closed his eyes, focusing entirely on the warm feeling in his chest, the tenderness of the fingers he was licking and sucking, the gentle touch of Richie's other hand on his back, caressing him.</p><p>Eddie didn't come back to his senses before he started to sleep. But he felt safe, protected, and loved, and, for the first time since he had been sick, he didn't have a single bad dream this night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Eddie still have trouble to believe that he's loved unconditionally and knowing that his sexual preferences might change Maggie and Went's feelings towards him and Richie doesn't really help. He's definitely going to be triggered more easily as long as he's not sure that Went and Maggie won't stop loving them even after Richie's coming out. But he's getting better and Richie knows what to do to help him feel safe and loved, even trapped in the darkest parts of his mind.</p><p>I really wanted to clarify that Eddie stimming with Richie's fingers isn't inherently sexual. While I didn't extend my oral stimming to my boyfriend, I used to play with his hands and fingers all the time and there was definitely nothing sexual about it (I'm asexual, after all). When things started to get sour, I definitely stopped to do so, not trusting him enough to allow myself to share that with him. </p><p>There's a sexual side to what Eddie's doing, I'm not going to deny it, but mostly, it's him telling to Richie "I trust you entirely and I consider you like a part of myself". It's the next step after allowing himself to stim freely in front of Richie, basically. He knows that he can trust Richie with that. I think it's the rawest way for Eddie to express his love.</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos, I'd love to read your thoughts about what happened and what you think it's going to happen. </p><p>Thanks again for your support. Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone! Here's the 18th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you're doing okay. Thank you for your support and your kind words, I'm always so happy whenever I get to read you! I'm back to work once again, so this chapter is released a little later than the two last chapters I've posted. I hope you'll like it!</p><p>Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for mention of homophobia<br/>TW for mention of self-harm</p><p>I think that's all! Let me know if you wish me to tag something else! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie was terribly nervous. Richie would have to be blind (well, blinder than he already was) not to see it. Richie spoke more or less fluently Eddie's body language, noticing the way he was rocking on his seat, knocking his head slightly against the car's window, fingers slipped between his lips. All of it screamed that Eddie was anxious, but it was already foreseeable before they even hit the road. Eddie barely ate his breakfast, playing with his food, and he struggled even more than usual to put on his clothes and tie his shoes.</p><p>Now that he was feeling better, he and Richie decided that they could plan a date for Eddie to finally meet Liz. And today was the big day. Richie tried to reassure his boyfriend, to help him alleviate the pressure that he was putting on his own shoulders, but to no avail. At least, he did manage to convince him to take his teddy bear with him, in case he started to feel too nervous. Or if he were to regress.</p><p>None of them really used the word or mentioned it, but they both knew that it was there, looming over their heads. Eddie's episodes weren't rare, and the fact that he fell ill made them worse, by their intensity and how often they arrived. Since he recovered from his sickness, they started to decrease, but they were still happening, and Richie never got used to it. He just couldn't.</p><p>The way Eddie would suddenly lose his liveliness, retreating in the shell that he constructed to protect himself from his mother, how he seemed to forget every step he managed to make on his path to recovery, the way he would only care about being a good boy to those he loved, no matter what it took… It hurt so much, every single time.</p><p>Richie couldn't imagine how Eddie felt about that. Sometimes, he wasn't able to remember some parts of his episodes or even their entirety if they were too intense, and there were things that Richie couldn't get himself to tell Eddie, knowing how much it would hurt him. Maybe he should be more upfront, more honest, but… but it wasn't Eddie. The person that Eddie was during his episodes, it was a memory, a shield, a part of the past that he still had to learn to confront and accept. So, it wasn't Eddie and what he might do or say shouldn't matter.</p><p>Richie didn't tell Eddie that he wetted himself during one of his terrors, and he kept as a secret the way he accidentally scratched his arm, drawing blood, when Richie tried to prevent him from hurting himself. Eddie didn't need to feel guilty or ashamed about something he couldn't control. He already had so much on his plate… Richie didn't want to add those things on top of everything.</p><p>It wouldn't help. It wouldn't make them feel any better.</p><p>Richie hoped it would get easier after Eddie's next session with his therapist. He wasn't expecting any miraculous recovery, not so soon, but maybe it would help Eddie to cope a little bit easier? Richie didn't want to see him in such pain like that again. He didn't deserve it. Not after everything he went through. It was so unfair that he still had to suffer, when he was finally away from the people who tried to break him and failed.</p><p>Right now, Eddie was tracing shapes on his foggy window, using his free hand to do so, the other stuck between his lips, allowing him to suck on his fingers. Stopping at a red light, Richie gently caressed the back of Eddie's neck, causing him to shiver slightly and focus his attention on his partner:</p><p>"Hey, Eds. It's going to be okay. I swear. Liz is already dead set on loving you, it'll only get better once she meets you."</p><p>Eddie merely whined around his fingers, too busy and nervous to use his lightwriter. Richie smiled cheekily, holding out his hand to his partner:</p><p>"You can still suck on this if you're too nervous. I'd offer you something else, but I'm not sure it's quite secure."</p><p>Seeing Eddie's unsure look, Richie added, smiling even more and decided to either make him laugh or cause him to feel annoyed and forget a little while about his anxiety:</p><p>"When I say something else, I'm talking about my massive cock, of course."</p><p>Eddie snorted, blushing, pulling out his fingers from his mouth. He shook his head, signing to Richie that he was an idiot, before crossing his arms and turning his stare towards the window, clearly pouting. Richie laughed, ruffling his hair, before putting his hands back on the wheel, keeping on driving:</p><p>"Yeah, that's me, your idiot boyfriend. But seriously, Eds, it's going to be fine. I understand why you're scared, for real. I'm not dismissing your feelings, I assure you."</p><p>Eddie hummed thoughtfully, rubbing his hands together, rocking on his seat. He finally used his lightwriter, saying while keeping his eyes downcast:</p><p>"<em>You don't?" </em></p><p>Richie shook his head:</p><p>"Trust me, I get what you're feeling. And I know that I can't fully reassure you until you meet her. But Liz has been there for me when I first met her and desperately needed someone to tell me that I was okay and that there was nothing wrong with me or my feelings. She never judged me. She won't judge you. I swear."</p><p>He added, taking his hand shortly from the wheel to caress Eddie's cheek:</p><p>"But if you feel uneasy in any way and want an out, you'll just have to let me know, and we'll leave. I won't insist for you to stay and she's not going to get upset about it. You matter, and I'd rather drive us home early than to know that you forced yourself to stay to make me happy. It wouldn't, okay?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, letting out a whine that Richie interpreted as thankful. He didn't add much, probably still a bit overwhelmed, and they both settled into a comfortable silence, the atmosphere feeling slightly less heavy than it was previously. Every time he was able to do so, Richie would reach out to Eddie, caressing his skin and hair, squeezing his hand, and letting him know that he was there, loving him, clearly unable to not show his affection in any way for too long. </p><p>It was going to be fine. Everything would be fine. He briefed Liz beforehand, and Eddie had his plush if he needed the comfort. She lived in a relatively calm building, meaning that Eddie wouldn't be overstimulated from the get-go. Richie took a deep breath, tapping on his wheel. Everything would be fine.</p><p>When they finally arrived, Richie didn't even flinch when Eddie gripped his arm and remained close to him, in public. He knew that people could see. He was aware that they might notice the nature of their relationship. But he also knew how distressed Eddie was, and it was enough to allow him to shut up the voices in his head, focusing on his boyfriend's well-being. Eddie needed to feel his touch, and Richie gladly let him do so, ignoring the way his heart tightened, fearing to be seen, to be judged. </p><p>Arriving in front of Liz's apartment, Richie knocked, Eddie immediately hiding behind him when the door opened. Liz being Liz, she hugged Richie happily upon seeing him, keeping her distances respectfully with Eddie and waving her hand at him. Eddie didn't answer back, looking at her with a bewildered face. </p><p>Richie chuckled softly, while Eddie was getting used to Liz's punk style and her pink crest haircut, a style that he had never seen anyone sporting in real life. His mouth was slightly agape, and he started to move his hand towards Liz's hair, before stopping himself, whining embarrassingly. Liz only laughed, winking at him:</p><p>"Don't worry, dude, you can touch it if you want to. It's only fair game, I spend so much of my time ruffling Richie's hair, after all..."</p><p>"Yeah, she does. It's annoying."</p><p>Liz rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, inviting them to enter, closing the door behind them. Eddie remained glued to Richie, looking at her with a curious gaze and glancing at his environment as well. Richie hoped that he would manage to relax after a while, so that he could enjoy this moment. Not that Richie would hold a grudge against him if he didn't… He knew how hard it could be to meet new people and open up to them. There was a reason why Richie didn't have many friends aside from the Losers club and, well, Liz. </p><p>She signaled them to sit on her couch, while she brought some bottles and glasses, putting them on the coffee table, and took a nearby chair, sitting cross-legged on it. Her smile was wide and welcoming, her gaze never intrusive. She was indeed curious about Eddie, in the same way Eddie was curious about her, but she didn't seem to try to analyze him or anything like that. He didn't feel this unspoken question that he noticed in most people's way of acting towards him, whenever they meet for the first time, the way they seemed to ask wordlessly, "What's wrong with you?".</p><p>"I was about to berate you for not bringing me any treats this time, but I gotta say, your boyfriend is truly a snack."</p><p>Richie chuckled, while Eddie was burying his face in his partner's chest, redder than a tomato, moaning awkwardly. Not wanting to embarrass him too much, Liz refrained herself from joking more, smiling gently at him:</p><p>"It's nice to finally meet you, Eddie. I'm Elizabeth Chase, but you can call me Liz. In fact, please, I'm begging you, call me Liz! Elizabeth is so formal, I hate it. Richie talked so much about you, it's cool to finally put a face on your name."</p><p>Eddie raised his head towards Richie, who merely cleared his throat, scratching his neck as well. A thin smile appeared on his lips, and he rubbed his face against his partner, before saying to Liz, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>I hope you mostly heard good things. Otherwise, I might have to flick Richie on the forehead." </em></p><p>"Hey, not cool! I only said the nicest stuff about you. Right, Liz?"</p><p>Liz smiled mischievously, refusing to answer. Eddie flicked Richie on the forehead, earning a painful groan from his partner. Liz's focus shifted towards Eddie's lightwriter, pointing her finger at the device:</p><p>"I never saw this kind of stuff before! It looks so cool. Can I try it?"</p><p>Richie immediately noticed the way Eddie tensed, holding his lightwriter tightly against him. He was about to say something when Liz put her hands down on her legs, an apologetic smile on her face:</p><p>"Right, I probably shouldn't even ask. Sorry, Eddie. Don't hesitate to let my stupid ass know whenever I'm saying or doing something that might make you feel uncomfortable, alright? I can be quite a handful, sometimes."</p><p>"Only sometimes?"</p><p>Liz stuck out her tongue as an answer, managing to cause Eddie to giggle shortly. She beamed at his reaction, visibly happy to see him relax a little. She offered them some drinks, Richie and Eddie opting for non-alcoholic beverages while Liz poured herself a glass of rosé. Eddie visibly grimaced seeing the glass, prompting Liz to ask:</p><p>"Bad experience with alcohol, I assume?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, scrunching up his nose:</p><p>"<em>I drank once, and I had a hangover. Plus, I don't remember parts of the night. I didn't like it." </em></p><p>"How much did you drink? You probably overdid it. One glass is fine, promise. Not that I'm pushing you to drink or anything! It's your choice, you do you."</p><p>Eddie didn't want to drink, and Richie wasn't too keen on it either. He was driving with his boyfriend as his passenger, he didn't want to risk not having a clear enough mind to keep him out of danger. Better to be reasonable and stick to fruit juice and soda. Richie didn't need alcohol to loosen up, anyway. He could do so on his own quite well.</p><p>Progressively, Eddie started to relax, though he remained close to Richie, nuzzling his head against him. Liz didn't insist too much for him to interact, nor did she chose to ignore him either. She wanted him to feel included, but not pressured, and that's exactly what she managed to do. Richie was relieved to know that he had been right about Liz: she cared, and she was able to adapt her behavior to Eddie, so that he wouldn't get overwhelmed or intimidated. That's what he needed. That's what they both needed.</p><p>"You absolutely gotta come to the LGBT center at some point, Eddie! Richie didn't come much yet, but I bet everyone will be excited to meet you and to know that he snatched someone like you as his boyfriend. It's cool, you'll see."</p><p>"<em>I wanna come. I just need some time because things are complicated now." </em></p><p>Yeah, they were, Richie wasn't going to deny it. And, to be honest, he was a bit worried about Eddie's possible first visit there. Liz and Don had been the best for him and utterly welcoming, but he didn't forget the way this teenager started to harass him, asking prodding questions about his "TV experience" and Eddie. "You're sick", he told him, when he realized that Richie was in love with Eddie. Fuck him. Fuck him and everyone else. Richie squeezed Eddie's hand, and Eddie did so as well, a tender smile on his lips.</p><p>Liz let out a long sigh, watching them with a dreamy gaze:</p><p>"Uuuugh, I so want a girlfriend to look stupidly at for hours! It's not fair, I want my fairy tale too. When will I ever find my sweet, loving cutie pie?"</p><p>She pulled off an overly dramatic expression, causing Eddie to openly laugh.</p><p>"First, you should probably divorce from Beetlejuice. Cheating on your ghostly hubby, how dare you?"</p><p>"Fuck off, Richie. I told you, I'm a punk, not a gothic."</p><p>"<em>Who's Beetlejuice?" </em></p><p>Liz and Richie stared at Eddie while Eddie curled up on himself and flinched while they did so. Liz apologized, asking with a hint of excitement in her voice:</p><p>"You never watched Beetlejuice? Dude, we so have to watch it sometimes! I saw it at the theater, it was wild! I don't have a TV, but I bet my sweet ass that you two have one and that I should be able to squat and watch it with you."</p><p>Richie nodded enthusiastically, but he remembered that he wanted Eddie's input as well and caressed his hands, asking for his opinion:</p><p>"Would you be okay with that? You don't have to, it's fine."</p><p>"Yeah, don't worry." Liz grinned, drinking from her glass before adding: "I'm cool with staying at my flat too. It's tiny, but it's cozy."</p><p>Eddie took a deep breath. Richie could see him thinking it over and over, probably trying to appease his anxiety. Aside from Mike and the Losers, Patty included, they never invited anyone over. Greta did come at some point, but she didn't stay long, and Eddie couldn't really say that it had been the greatest experience he ever had. Putting his fingers in his mouth and sucking on them, he used his free hand to type on the lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>I'll be okay. But I don't want you to come unannounced." </em></p><p>Eddie was always forward, often too much. But Liz didn't take offense at what he said, merely nodding and smiling:</p><p>"Yeah, no worries. It's not my type anyway. We'll plan it, and I'll come whenever it's cool with you. I'll bring some snacks. Chocolate, maybe?"</p><p>Eddie's eyes widened slightly at her words, and she laughed, fiddling with her glass:</p><p>"Yeah, I figured you'd like it. That's what Richie brought to me last time he came here. I'm sad to admit that I devoured the entire box and that there isn't any treat left. I'll try to keep some for you next time."</p><p>Eddie pouted exaggeratedly, pretended to be more affected than he really was, and Richie chuckled, kissing him on the forehead. When he realized what he had just done, he pulled away, blushing, putting his hands over his mouth. He didn't have the time to freak out, Liz immediately getting up from her chair to kneel in front of him, patting his leg gently:</p><p>"Hey, you're fine. Nothing wrong with kissing your boyfriend. I swear. Well, you do make me want for a girlfriend even more, but aside from that, no reason to feel anxious doing that here, okay? You're in a safe place. What happens here stay here. If you want to cuddle with your boyfriend or kiss him, nothing is stopping you. Certainly not me."</p><p>Richie nodded, putting his hands down, but he was still anxious, his heart and mind racing. It came so naturally to him, the way he just kissed Eddie, not thinking for a second about his gesture… What would happen if he did so in public? Or, even worse, in front of his parents? They wouldn't mistake that for the affection they always shared, partners or not. They would <em>know. </em></p><p>Eddie squeezed his hand, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>We could do some of the breathing techniques I learned. Get you to relax." </em></p><p>"Yeah. Okay. Yeah." Richie took a deep breath, heart swelling up. Eddie was always so kind to him, so cautious. Even though he often felt guilty for not being able to care for him like he wanted to, it made him feel better, knowing he could rely on his partner and trust him utterly. "Breathing techniques. Cool."</p><p>Eddie guided him gently, and Liz participated as well, a soft expression on her face. Richie was so lucky to have them in their life… They understood. They didn't judge. They merely reassured him, showing him that they would still support him and love him, no matter what. Richie needed that in his life. Especially now that he wasn't sure that his parents' affection was truly unconditional…</p><p>After a while, he managed to calm down enough to take part in a card game, Liz apparently as competitive as Eddie could be, decided to beat them both. There was something profoundly mundane about their game that put Richie at ease.</p><p>It was ordinary, fun, without anything substantial attached to it. It was a real breeze, something that Richie clearly lacked most of the time. He was happy with Eddie, but their daily life was harsh and unforgiving, and Richie ostensibly welcomed this pure moment of entertainment, smiling at Eddie's growing excitement (and bad faith). He felt like they were finally allowed to be the young adults that they were, who were able to forget a little bit about the challenges in their lives.</p><p>Richie won the first round, and Eddie threw his cards in the air, groaning wildly.</p><p>"<em>You cheated!" </em></p><p>"I did not. I'm never cheating."</p><p>Eddie snorted loudly at his words, tapping his chest with his index finger:</p><p>"<em>Oh yeah? You totally cheated when we played UNO with our friends. You're a cheater. Case closed." </em></p><p>"Do I need to remind you that we were a team and that you cheated with me, Eds?"</p><p>Eddie grimaced and pouted, crossing his arms. Liz was looking at them both, picking up everyone's cards and shuffling them expertly.</p><p>"So should I start to cheat too, or can I trust you to win this next game fairly? Because I can cheat too and trust me, I'm pretty good at it. Years of strip poker at my sorority in college, that was quite productive."</p><p>Liz sported an evil grin, and Richie and Eddie both reached an agreement, promising to play the next game without even attempting to cheat. And they did so, getting overly excited by this challenge, none of them decided to let the others win. This time, Liz was the winner, and she gloated mercilessly, while Eddie was groaning even more and Richie laughing at his reaction:</p><p>"My, my, you're quite a sore loser, Eddie."</p><p>"<em>And you're an awful winner, Liz! It's not fair! I'll win the next one!" </em></p><p>Richie ruffled Eddie's hair, grinning cheekily:</p><p>"Nope, the next victory will be mine, confirming the Trashmouth as the definite king of any card game ever existing. You will all bow in front of my terrible power! Be afraid, fools!"</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes at Richie's antics and decided to take matters into his own hands. Without anything to foreshadow it, he grabbed Richie's cheeks and kissed him deeply, poking his tongue between his lips. Richie's eyes widened, but he found himself melting into the touch quickly, while Liz pretended to cry silently, begging for a girlfriend to kiss her as soon as they parted. </p><p>Eddie smiled knowingly, while Richie was left panting and mesmerized, clearly wanting more of that.</p><p>"You're truly evil, Eddie."</p><p>Eddie shrugged at Liz's remark, saying while pulling off his most innocent face:</p><p>
  <em>"It's not cheating, I just really wanted to show Richie how much I love him. I can't help it!" </em>
</p><p>Liz laughed at his words, and at Richie's dazed expression, his lips still slightly parted. She poked Richie's cheek, trying to get him to focus back on the situation:</p><p>"Earth to Richie, Earth to Richie, do you copy?"</p><p>He pushed her hand back, shaking his head, trying to focus on the game again. He looked at Eddie, who licked his lips while keeping his innocent expression on his face. Dear lord, his boyfriend was evil. The devil, even!</p><p>As much as he tried to, Richie couldn't get himself to focus on this round they were playing, his stare constantly wandering towards Eddie, who batted his eyelashes and pouted his lips slightly, even going as far as licking his finger in this way that he definitely <em> knew  </em>would affect Richie. He never played so badly before, and Eddie won the round, managing to beat Liz as well. </p><p>Once again, he threw his cards in the air, standing up and cackling, using his lightwriter to gloat even more than Liz did previously:</p><p>"<em>Ha, I beat your sorry asses, you fuckers! I knew I was the fucking best! Now, bow in front of my magnificence, my total victory, because… I… WON!" </em></p><p>Eddie clapped his hands energetically, swaying rapidly on his feet. He was indeed a sore loser, but an even worst winner. Even then, Richie couldn't bring himself to feel the slightest hint of frustration or anger. Not when Eddie was so clearly amused, allowing himself to act silly without overthinking it, without fearing to lose his love in the process. That's the Eddie he remembered from this year they spent together, when they were younger. The Eddie that was still there, no matter what he went through. The Eddie that he loved so much.</p><p>Richie knelt down at Eddie's feet, holding his hand and kissing it tenderly, raising his head towards his partner, who was looking down at him with a soft and embarrassed gaze:</p><p>"My dear king. My loving prince."</p><p>A long whine escaped Eddie's lips, and he went awfully red, pulling out his hand and hiding his face, humming awkwardly. Richie got up and invited Eddie to sit next to him on the couch, Eddie immediately hiding his embarrassment in Richie's body, hugging him tightly. Liz sighed loudly at the scene:</p><p>"Okay, Richie, you gotta tell me: is there any cute woman in your small town? I need you to play matchmaker. I need you both, in fact. Eddie will hold the boombox and, Richie, you'll steal a hose and pour water over me if I ever confess while it's not raining. Deal?"</p><p>Richie chuckled, while Eddie gave her a quick thumbs-up, still hiding his face in Richie's chest:</p><p>"Deal. Unfortunately, as far as I know, all the ladies that I know are painfully straight in Derry. And some of them taken."</p><p>"That's because they didn't meet me yet."</p><p>Liz seemed boldly confident in her words, and Richie couldn't help, but feel quite impressed, even though he knew that she must be joking. He wanted to be able to talk like that about his love and sexual orientation and not only with Eddie or Liz. She seemed so… open. Unafraid. He wanted to be like her. Truly. And, Richie promised himself, he would manage to do it. Even if it took him a lot of time. Even if it meant that he had to work twice as hard on himself as he already did. </p><p>One day, Richie would be able to claim his love for Eddie to the world. And to be fucking proud of it. No more shame. No more self-hatred. No more. He looked at Eddie, holding his hand tenderly, smiling and kissing him shortly, just to appreciate the feeling of his lips against his. For Eddie, he'd be able to do that. Richie knew it.</p><p>The rest of their day went smoothly. They talked, laughed, shared many things. Eddie wasn't so glued to Richie than he was initially, even daring to touch Liz's crest when she allowed him to do so. He grimaced when she suggested that he could probably sport the same haircut, not wanting to give it a shot at all. Richie had started laughing hysterically, thinking of his so cute and clean Eddie with a crest haircut, only managing to calm down after having cried for a while.</p><p>It was just perfect, everything Richie wanted this encounter to be. But Eddie started to get tired. He slowly stopped paying attention to their discussions, curling up on himself, sucking on his fingers, humming around them. Caressing his cheeks softly, Richie managed to get him to focus on him, whispering gently:</p><p>"Should we leave?"</p><p>Eddie hesitated for a second, before nodding, a bit embarrassed to not have been able to stay and interact any longer. But he did need to rest. And some silence as well. When Richie and Liz were discussing, they wouldn't stop, the sound of their voices getting progressively louder, while they talked faster and faster, carried by their passion and their energy. Eddie could only follow them for so long…</p><p>Liz only saluted them, not insisting for them to stay. </p><p>"It was a pleasure to meet you, Eddie. Richie is lucky to have you. And you're lucky to have him too, never forget that."</p><p>Eddie nodded, a thin smile on his lips. How could he forget? Richie was his world. His soulmate. He had been his friend, his brother, and now, he was his lover. With him, everything seemed brighter, prettier. Eddie felt stronger, able to overcome any obstacle he might encounter. Richie made him feel great. He made him want to become someone that he could love as much as he loved his partner.</p><p>Eddie yawned while they walked back to their car. Richie caressed his hair gently, whispering to his ear:</p><p>"Thank you. I'm so proud of you."</p><p>Eddie let out an embarrassed whine, gripping Richie's arm. Richie was sincere. Utterly sincere. He knew how those things could be difficult for Eddie and how stressed out he had been. And yet, Eddie took this leap of faith and allowed himself to have a really good time with someone he didn't know at all before. Richie could only admire him for that.</p><p>When he entered his car, Richie noticed that he had forgotten his phone on the dashboard. He grimaced, sighing and reprimanding himself for his carelessness:</p><p>"Fuck, I'm lucky it wasn't stolen..."</p><p>Calls. Calls. Calls. Tons of missing calls coming from… Mike? Richie felt his heartbeat rising, calling him back, focusing on the beep beep that seemed to echo endlessly.</p><p>"Come on, answer, answer..."</p><p>Eddie was looking at him with a worried expression, but Richie was too anxious to reassure him. He didn't even know if he could do such a thing!</p><p>Finally, he heard the familiar <em>click,  </em>meaning that Mike just picked up his phone:</p><p>"Mike? Are you okay? We're in Bangor, but we're coming as soon as possible! What's happening?"</p><p>Mike didn't say anything. He just… sobbed. A sob full of despair, that Richie never thought he would hear coming from his friend. Mike didn't cry. He remained peaceful, quiet, calm, on top of everything. He never sobbed like that. Never cried like that. Mike started to say something, but Richie couldn't understand him. Until he finally managed to make sense of his friend's words, a chill running down his spine:</p><p>"It's burned… The library… It's burned..."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... uh... Yeah. Sorry about this ending xD. I always planned for the library to be burned. However, it was supposed to happen during Eddie and Richie's holidays at Disneyland. At least, they're close enough to get to him and support him, I guess. We're entering slowly, but surely in the last phase of this third installment. And I definitely have more stories to tell, so there'll be a fourth installment at some point.</p><p>Liz finally got to meet Eddie! I hope you liked their encounter. Don't hesitate to let me know about that! If you want to leave kudos, comments or to subscribe to this story, feel free to do so!</p><p>I'll see you real soon. Thanks again for your support after all this time. Take care!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 19th chapter of this story! Well, that's it, we literally wrote more than the first installment of this series! I don't know how long this installment will be, but we're definitely getting to its latest part. I'll have to start thinking about a new title quickly for the fourth installment x). </p><p>Thank you all for your support, whether it is worded or silent. As much as I love reading everyone's thoughts about my chapters, I don't forget all of you who are reading as well. I hope you're doing okay.</p><p>Anyway, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for mention of racism<br/>TW for systemic racism<br/>TW for mention of infantilization</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something else. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time seemed stretched, as if destiny itself was trying to keep them apart from Mike. Eddie couldn’t stop thinking about Richie’s words, once he hung up. The library burned. It burned. It fucking burned! How? Why? Eddie had no answer to those questions, and he couldn’t quite believe that it happened. One second, they were fine, going home after a sweet moment shared with Liz. The next moment, everything was tumbling down, and Richie couldn’t drive fast enough to get them there.</p><p>Richie scared him. The expression on his face, his gaze, his grip on the wheel… It was like he was possessed by something that Eddie couldn’t quite grasp, something wild. They almost bumped into a car when they encountered a red light, and Eddie screamed, terrified, his hands flying to his ears in an unhelpful reflex. But they didn’t crash, thankfully. Eddie was still awfully shocked, letting out a long and pitiful whine, digging his fingernails in his skin. With a shaking hand, Richie caressed Eddie’s cheek, his breathing ragged, his eyes still widened:</p><p>“I’m sorry, Eddie, I… I didn’t mean… We have to...”</p><p>Richie took a deep breath, resting his head against the wheel. Eddie did his best to calm down, putting his fingers between his lips, moaning worriedly around them. He knew that they needed to be there for Mike as soon as possible, but… but they couldn’t put themselves in danger like that. They couldn’t risk hurting other people as well. It wouldn’t help Mike.</p><p>Richie looked up, driving off, pulling one of his hands from the wheel to chew on his nails, something he had last done a few months ago. Not the best coping mechanism, but fuck! Mike… He needed them. He needed their help. He needed his friends. And they weren’t there for him. Not right now.</p><p>Eddie whined once again, and Richie attempted to smile at him, without much success:</p><p>“Eds, I’m really sorry. We just need to get there quickly. I know you’re tired, but I need you to be strong, okay? Mike needs us.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, determined. As if he would just give up on his friend because he was <em>tired.  </em>That would be ridiculous! Mike had always been there for him, no matter what. Eddie could only do the same for him. He would allow himself to have a breakdown later, once he would be sure that Mike was taken care of. For now, he was going to hold on, push back his feelings, and be the friend Mike needed and deserved to have. </p><p>Rocking nervously on his seat, Eddie sucked and bit anxiously on his fingers, trying to keep his emotions in check. Richie didn’t even try to stop him from hurting himself. He didn’t seem quite there, focusing as much as he could on the road, muttering to himself things that Eddie couldn’t understand. He didn’t want to bother him or risk Richie to snap at him and regret it later. They needed to stay focused and to control themselves. For Mike.</p><p>The library burned. Eddie couldn’t apprehend this idea nor accept it fully. He still remembered his conversation with Mike, how devoted he was to this place, the hours they spent there working together, trying to make this place a welcoming space for anyone wanting to read and forget about the rest of the world for a while… Gone, it was gone. </p><p>Eddie whined louder at the thought. He couldn’t be there anymore with Mike, helping him as much as he could. He wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. It happened every week, and now, it was over. Over. Over. The word was repeating itself in his mind, Eddie obsessing over it. He shook his head, trying to remain focused, not to allow himself to get lost in his turmoil. If he was upset about it, he could only imagine how Mike was feeling right now… He was probably distraught.</p><p>Finally, they arrived. Eddie had been able to see the smoke quickly, as soon as they passed the sign welcoming them to Derry. It was real. It really happened. The library, it fucking burned. Eddie hit his left temple in a frustrated reflex, Richie holding his hand briefly to bring him comfort and try to calm him down. His partner reminded him that Mike needed them, and Eddie nodded, taking a deep breath, curling up on himself. Stay strong. For Mike. For their friend.</p><p>Richie parked the car without much care, running towards the firefighter truck next to which he could see Mike. He was draped in a blanket with a rough texture, eyes downcast, shaking like a leaf. Eddie had followed his partner closely, doing his best to keep up with his long legs, scrunching up his nose while having to handle the strong smell of smoke. He coughed slightly, his eyes watering, his ears ringing. There were so many people gathered here, looking at the library’s remnants, the firefighters finishing their work… The police were involved as well, the Sheriff standing close to Mike, trying to get him to answer his questions, to no avail.</p><p>Eddie had never seen Mike so frightened. He was taller than Richie, but right now, he seemed even smaller than Eddie was, terrified, his gaze haunted. He didn’t seem to notice the Sheriff’s presence, nor the way he started to pull his handcuffs, about to arrest Mike. Richie stood between his friend and Mr. Bowers, an indignant expression on his face:</p><p>“Hey, what the fuck are you doing?”</p><p>“We don’t know who started the fire, and Mr. Hanlon isn’t cooperating, he’s...”</p><p>“Of course, he isn’t fucking cooperating! Back off!”</p><p>Eddie stood between them as well, groaning angrily. Everything was so much, too much, but he knew that he could stand it, for Mike. He could handle it. He had to! Meanwhile, Richie had knelt down, facing Mike, caressing his cheeks:</p><p>“Mike, Mike, I’m here. You called me, remember? It’s me, it’s Richie. Eddie’s there too. Come on, we gotta get you home.”</p><p>“It’s burned...”</p><p>Mike’s voice was frail, so frail that Eddie almost felt like he was listening to a frightened child. He stopped focusing on Mr. Bowers, turning his head towards Mike. His friend seemed utterly lost, in a way Eddie never had seen him been. Mike wasn’t terrified like that. He was always so calm and so soft, smiling no matter what. Eddie didn’t know this Mike.</p><p>“It’s burned...” Mike repeated, tightening his hands on his blanket. “Mom… Dad...”</p><p>Richie reacted immediately, cupping Mike’s face, raising his head towards him:</p><p>“Hey, hey, Mike, look at me, stay with me! The library burned, but no one was hurt...”</p><p>Richie looked at a firefighter quickly so that it would be confirmed and was relieved to be able to repeat without lying:</p><p>“No one was hurt. You’re safe. Everyone’s safe. Listen to me, okay? You’re safe.”</p><p>Richie repeated himself a few times, doing his best to ground Mike, reminding him what day it was, which year, how old they were, everything that might help to pull him out of his childhood memories, of the day he saw his parents die in a fire, unable to help them in any way…</p><p>Meanwhile, Eddie was preventing Mr. Bowers to reach out to Mike, extending his arms, forming a shield between the Sheriff and Richie and his friend. </p><p>“You don’t understand, he’s a suspect, I need to...”</p><p>Eddie groaned once again, typing quickly on his device:</p><p>“<em>We both know who did it, and it’s not Mike. Back off, or I’ll tell everything to the Derry Herald. They’ll love to tell the story of how your precious son beat up Derry’s precious little angel and burned down his workplace as well.” </em></p><p>The Sheriff was about to say something, but Eddie didn’t give him the time to do so, growling furiously and adding:</p><p>“<em>I’ll do it! You know I’ll do it!” </em></p><p>Eddie wasn’t bluffing. He was deadly serious. If needed, he was willing to paint himself as a helpless victim to help them concoct the best sob story they ever managed to write for their stupid newspaper. It didn’t matter if people started to pity him even more, if he had to pretend to be more fragile than he was… Eddie knew who did it, and Henry Bowers wouldn’t get out of it unscathed, especially if it put Mike in trouble.</p><p>Mr. Bowers seemed to understand that he was backing himself into a corner. Not wanting to risk seeing his son get exposed like that, he let them know that he would need to interrogate Mike as soon as possible to get to the bottom of this affair, before finally allowing Richie and Eddie to accompany Mike home. </p><p>Richie supported Mike all the way to his car, since he was barely able to walk on his own. Eddie couldn’t do much to help, but he was there, keeping up, doing his utmost to remain calm. Mike was the one who needed help. Not him. Not right now. Eddie dug his fingernails in the palm of his hand, using the other one to caress Mike’s arm, to try to ground him just like Richie was attempting to.</p><p>Eddie couldn’t believe that he had forgotten that Mike’s parents died in a fire. They didn’t talk about it, not since Eddie’s departure, but it was obvious that this scar never fully healed, even though Mike pretended that everything was okay, that he was always perfectly fine. He wasn’t. And he needed them. He needed them, and Eddie would be there. No matter what.</p><p>Richie sat Mike on the front seat, and Eddie had to sit behind, a bad feeling in his chest. He never sat there. It wasn’t his place. He was always next to Richie. Always. He… He… Eddie hit his forehead quickly and violently, trying to remain calm, focusing on the pain to stay grounded. </p><p>“Eds, everything okay?”</p><p>Richie asked him that with a worried voice, and Eddie nodded, fastening his seatbelt and squirming to reach Mike and put his hand on his shoulder, whining gently. Mike didn’t answer. He was still clutching to the blanket, eyes haunted, shaking, and muttering. His cheeks were covered with tears, tears that never seemed to extinguish, a sob interrupting his barely audible and legible rambling from time to time. </p><p>Once they arrived at the Toziers’home, Richie helped Mike up, leading him to his bedroom. Eddie barely took the time to inform Maggie about what happened, too focused on their friend, awfully worried to see him like that. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Was it how it was, getting to experience his own episodes from an outsider’s perspective? If that’s so, it was definitely terrifying. Richie installed Mike on his bed and sat next to him, rubbing his back firmly, trying to get his attention by repeating him where and when they were, far, far away from the kid he used to be and the screams of his parents burning in a deadly fire.</p><p>Not knowing what to do, Eddie grabbed Mike’s hand, squeezing it tightly, curling up against him, whining softly. He felt utterly useless, unable to talk like Richie to bring him back, not knowing how to comfort Mike when he clearly needed them to do so. Eddie was definitely the worst friend Mike ever had… </p><p>He didn’t know how long it took Mike to start to come back. Eddie’s whole body was aching, and his brain was getting confused, thoughts swirling all around, words and images repeating themselves and mixing together in a violent maelstrom. Stay strong. Stay strong. Stay strong.</p><p>“… I couldn’t do anything.”</p><p>Mike took a deep breath. Richie shut up, allowing him the space and time to talk, to say what he had to say. Eddie pushed away his unbearable feelings, burying them in his mind and his heart as much as he could, so that he could focus on Mike and let him know that he was there, listening to him.</p><p>“I heard a window shattering, but… but it was too late already. Flames… Flames everywhere… I… I don’t… I don’t remember ge… ge… getting out. Flames… Flames burning...”</p><p>Mike let out a sob, a wail, even, and Richie hugged him, keeping him close, shushing him softly:</p><p>“It’s over, Mike. It’s okay, everything’s okay. You’re alive, no one was hurt. It’s just a building, a stupid building.”</p><p>Mike sobbed even more, and Eddie grimaced. That wasn’t what he needed to hear, not now. Mike was traumatized, but he also lost the place he cared the most about, something he worked so hard to get, that he wanted everyone to appreciate as much as he did. And it was all gone. In a few seconds, it was all gone. </p><p>“<em>I’m sorry, Mike. I’m sorry for the library. It’s not your fault. I’m so sorry.” </em></p><p>Eddie whined gently, hugging his friend as well. Mike kept on crying, crying, crying, and it seemed that nothing could ever stop his tears from rolling down his cheeks. He was sobbing for his parents that he kept seeing dying, for his dreams that burned down with the library, for this happiness that he managed to snatch and that had been taken away from him so suddenly, so brutally… </p><p>Eddie was furious. Bowers couldn’t just get away with everything anymore! He had to do something. He had to protect his friends, his family, his partner… Mike already lost so much. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Eddie scratched his palm angrily, trying to contain his frustration as much as possible. </p><p>Henry Bowers never stopped being the fucking bully that Eddie hated so much. But it was way past the bullshit he used to do to them. It wasn’t him trying to snatch Eddie’s medicine or breaking Richie’s glasses or throwing rocks at Mike… Eddie had managed to move on from the aggression he endured between his hands with Richie, mostly because he was persuaded that he couldn’t do a single thing about it, that it was just best for them to put it all behind. </p><p>But Eddie wasn’t helpless. He wasn’t powerless. He had a voice, and he was going to use it to bring down Henry Bowers, dragging him through the mud, making sure that no one could turn a blind eye to his evil deeds. They would know what he did. It didn’t matter if Eddie couldn’t prove it. It only mattered that his story spread like wildfire, impossible to tame entirely. People would talk. Rumors would be exchanged. Other victims might speak up. Eddie just had to take the first step.</p><p>But for now, he had to be there for Mike. Mike needed him. They kept comforting him as long as necessary, already decided that he would stay with them for the night and more if he wanted to. No way they would let him go back to his lonely apartment or to his grandparents’ farm. It would be even worse. As loving as they could be, they wouldn’t understand that Mike didn’t need their tough affection right now. They would hurt more than anything else. Mike needed to heal.</p><p>Mike was visibly exhausted, and he passed out, breathing heavily, his face clearly showing that he was far from experiencing a good dream. Richie laid down next to him, keeping him close, whispering sweet nothings to his ear to let him know that he wasn’t alone. Eddie… Eddie was about to burst. He was exhausted, his ears were ringing, his body was hurting, he wanted to throw up, everything was so confusing, noisy, smelly, too much, too much, too much. But Mike… Mike…</p><p>“I’m taking care of him, Eds. Go see mom.”</p><p>Eddie wasn’t about to discuss it. Not when Richie was so adamant. He was right anyway. Eddie was going to have a breakdown, and Mike didn’t need that from him. It would only make things worse if Eddie insisted on staying and ended up experiencing a meltdown. Richie would have to focus on him to keep Eddie from hurting himself, and Mike might feel guilty, thinking that he was the cause of Eddie’s panic and agitation. No, he didn’t need any of that.</p><p>Eddie got up and ran away from the bedroom, putting his hands over his ears, a loud hum escaping his lips. He climbed down the stairs, falling on the last step. He didn’t attempt to get up, still covering his ears, his humming getting louder and louder. It was too much. He was already tired when he left Liz’s place, but he was now utterly exhausted, confused, angry, and sad. It was so unfair. Mike didn’t deserve any of this. Why did they hurt him like that? Why wasn’t he allowed to keep the one thing he cared so much about in this life? Why? Why?</p><p>Eddie didn’t realize right away that Maggie was helping him up, assisted by Wentworth, who just came back from his work. He was still caught up in the moment when everything went downhill, his beautiful day turned into a nightmare. He couldn’t stop smelling smoke, and he kept on hearing Mike’s frightened and childish voice, echoing in his mind again and again and again. He needed it to stop… Right now!</p><p>Maggie was struggling to keep him safe, and Wentworth took over, holding Eddie in his arms, preventing him from hurting himself. Eddie was fighting his grip, a long moan coming out of his lips, trying so hard to make the pain inside stop, even if meant that it had to hurt from the outside. He needed to… He had to… </p><p>Eddie exhausted himself in this unwinnable battle. Richie had inherited his size and strength from his father, and Eddie, being small and scrawny like he was, couldn’t do anything to get away from his arms, from how tightly Went was holding him. Breath shallow, cheeks red, eyes swollen and wet, Eddie was forced to slump down, resting against Went’s chest, who whispered gentle words to his ear that Eddie couldn’t quite understand.</p><p>Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It all burned. The library, it was nothing but ashes, a remnant of what it used to be. Their place, the shelter Mike and he shared, away from the rest of the world. It was their thing, a proof of utter trust coming from Mike, who agreed to let Eddie work for him when no one else in Derry or maybe even elsewhere would have given him this shot… And now, it was gone. Gone. Fucking gone.</p><p>Eddie sobbed quietly, Maggie caressing his hair, Wentworth keeping him close. He wanted to tell them that he wasn’t the one who needed comfort, that Mike could really use it more than him, but he couldn’t get himself to do so. Not only because he couldn’t quite form the words in his mind right now, but because he felt so little, so small, so fragile, unable to keep his friends safe, unable to protect them from those who wanted to hurt them. He hadn’t been able to protect Richie from Hockstetter’s violence, no matter how much he tried to beg Henry Bowers for that. </p><p>And he wasn’t there when Mike needed him. Maybe he could have done something, maybe he could have prevented it somehow, maybe, just maybe… He didn’t know. But Eddie felt guilty, in a way he couldn’t quite explain. His friends, family, and Richie all did so much for him, pulling him out of his hellish life, putting him on the path of a much-needed recovery… But Eddie had never been able to do a single thing in return. Even right now, he should be with Mike, chasing his nightmares away, but… but…</p><p>But he was so weak. And overwhelmed. And tired. He needed to… He couldn’t… Eddie’s eyelids closed despite himself and, vanquished by his exhaustion, he lost his fight against sleep, falling into a deep slumber.</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie woke up with an audible gasp, eyes wide and full of fear. His thoughts were racing, but he couldn’t remember what scared him so much in his nightmares. He was alone in his room, gently covered by his blanket, hugging his plush tightly. The sky was getting dark, meaning that he probably slept for a while. Fuck… Where was Mike? How was he?</p><p>Eddie got up, still hazy from his nap, his limbs clumsily attempting to walk. He bumped into a wall while leaving the bedroom, groaning sleepily. He managed to grab his lightwriter while doing so, going down the stairs carefully, not wanting to fall down once again. He started to hear Richie and Mike’s voices, who were… arguing? He quickly went to the living room, his heart beating fast.</p><p>Mike was sitting down on the couch, slightly slouched, his hands covering the lower part of his face. His gaze, while not as despaired as the one he got before, was definitely haunted and tired, far from the peaceful expression he always had. Maggie and Went were close to him, gentle support that Mike definitely needed. </p><p>Meanwhile, Richie was pacing nervously, breathing too fast, his face twisted with worry, concern, and anger:</p><p>“Mike, you can’t just fucking go to the police station tomorrow. Bowers’ going to pin it all on you. You know that.”</p><p>“I can’t just stay put or run away. It would make me even more guilty in his eyes.”</p><p>Richie groaned furiously, and Eddie started to cower despite himself:</p><p>“What the fuck do you think it’s going to accomplish? You’re just gonna get in trouble, and that’s it. You don’t have anything against Henry Bowers, not the slightest proof to let them know that you weren’t the one who orchestrated this. Fuck, you could have a tight-laced proof, and his father would still manage to turn it against you! He just wants to use you to exonerate his fucked-up son!”</p><p>Mike sighed deeply. He seemed older than he ever was, as if he was carrying the world’s whole weight on his shoulders.</p><p>“What choice do I have, Richie? Tell me.”</p><p>“Let us help you. Let us come with you. Right?”</p><p>Maggie was about to say something when Eddie let them know that he was here, whining softly. Pulling a chair with him, he sat in front of Mike, looking at him very seriously:</p><p>“<em>I want to help. I should have been there for you.” </em></p><p>Mike managed to smile weakly, even if it didn’t last:</p><p>“No, you shouldn’t have, Eddie. I’m glad you weren’t. If you were hurt in any way, I couldn’t have forgiven myself. I can barely express how grateful I am that you were there at all… But it’s my problem. I don’t want to cause you any more trouble. If Sheriff Bowers wants me down to protect his son, he won’t hesitate to drag you and Richie in this hellhole as well… I...”</p><p>Eddie got up from his chair, walking to Mike and flicking his forehead. Mike looked at him with a confused gaze, while Richie was quietly supporting him:</p><p>“<em>No. You don’t get to play the martyr and run into an obvious trap just because you want us to stay out of trouble. You know how it works. All for one and one for all. You want to go to the police station to get interrogated? We’ll go with you. No way we’re going to let you go in there on your own. You don’t know what they could do to you...” </em></p><p>Eddie shivered at the thought that they could try to hurt Mike in so many ways to get him to confess. To make sure that Henry Bowers would be protected once again, escaping the justice he deserved to face. He already took everything from Mike. Eddie wasn’t about to let him take even more… </p><p>And Richie neither, that was for sure. He sat on the chair that Eddie left behind and, naturally, Eddie joined him, settling down on his lap, as if there was no other place he could find in this room. Mike couldn’t help, but smile at the sight. His friends, they were quite something, indeed… Weird, annoying, but, most of all, caring. And loyal, no matter what.</p><p>“Mike, we’re not letting you face that alone. I don’t care if I’m in trouble...”</p><p>“Richie, son, that’s very brave of you, but there must be another way.” Went sighed, crossing his arms. “I know how you are in this kind of situation. You’ll act how I tend to act and you’re going to get yourself in trouble. Say the wrong stuff, do the wrong thing.”</p><p>Richie was about to interrupt him, but his father didn’t give him the time to do so:</p><p>“And you won’t be the only one facing the consequences. Eddie and Mike will too. We need to think about this carefully.”</p><p>Eddie took a deep breath. He knew what he had to do. He didn’t want to, but… He had to.</p><p>“<em>I’m gonna contact this reporter that is obsessed with me. And I’m going to give him the article he dreamed of for so long. Exclusive interview, depicting Henry Bowers’ evil deeds.” </em></p><p>Eddie whined nervously, slipping his fingers between his lips. Richie caressed his hair gently, while Eddie continued:</p><p>“<em>I’ll talk about the time he attacked us, Richie and I. I’ll accuse him of being the one who burned down the library. Sheriff Bowers won’t be able to ignore that or put it under the rug. He’ll have to do something. I’ll try to convince Greta to talk too. She was the one who saved us from Bowers. She’s a witness.” </em></p><p>Maggie was looking at him with a gaze full of concern, unsure about his whole plan. Eddie couldn’t really blame her. He never reacted well to any of the moments he had been surprised by a reporter, either experiencing a meltdown, giving them the middle finger, or going through regression. But Eddie couldn’t think of a better plan to make sure that they wouldn’t turn Mike into a perfect scapegoat. </p><p>Bowers was ready to do everything he could to keep his son out of trouble. And he was more than willing to play the race card and get everyone riled up against Mike, exploiting their prejudices. Derry was fucking racist, and they barely tolerated Mike as of now. If they were given the slightest reason to ostracize him any further, they wouldn’t pass the chance.</p><p>“Eddie, honey, you’re sure? You… It’s not really...”</p><p>“Mom, Eddie’s telling you that he wants to do it. Maybe you can fucking trust him for once?”</p><p>No one was expecting Richie’s sudden outburst. Not even him, as it seemed. He mumbled an apology, while Maggie was digesting her son’s anger and harsh words, not understanding what she did wrong. Why was this wall still there, separating her and her husband from their lovely son? What did she do wrong?</p><p>“Mike, Eddie, in my room. We need to talk about that more and to prepare it. I have this fucking journalist’s number, I’ll contact him.”</p><p>“Richie, please...”</p><p>Richie didn’t answer to his mother’s plea, ignoring his father’s concern as well. Instead, he invited Eddie to get up from his knees, holding his hand and getting Mike to follow him as well. Eddie didn’t insist. Not when Richie was so determined, so focused. It wouldn’t do any good. Only stir a conflict that he didn’t have the strength to handle.</p><p>They’ll talk about that. Later. But for now, they had something else more important to discuss. Something urgent.</p><p>Eddie would lie if he said that he wasn’t nervous at all about this idea. He never wanted to talk to this reporter, to have him take his picture and put him on display ever again. He was only going to make people pity him more, and he knew it. But they wouldn’t listen to Mike. They wouldn’t pity him like Eddie. Eddie was their “poor little angel”, the one they ignored willfully when they didn’t know anything about his disability and when he was yet to be kinda famous. But now that he was “interesting” in some way, they were suddenly all concerned by his well-being. Fucking hypocrites. But for once, it could be useful. It was an asset to use, the ace hidden in his sleeve. </p><p>Henry Bowers had hurt Mike deeply. Eddie had no doubt in his mind that he had been the one who burned the library down. He was the only one cruel and twisted enough to do something so fucked up, so dangerous. He took everything Mike cared about and forced him to relive the worst moment of his life, again and again. Eddie couldn’t just let him get away with that. He had to do something. Even if it meant doing what he always wanted to avoid, facing one of the people he hated the most and having his almost dead fame brought back to the center…</p><p>“Eddie, you don’t have to do that.” Mike bit his lip, his eyes full of fear, regret, and a hint of anger. “It’s not on you. I should have been more careful. Maybe I could have seen it coming, I...”</p><p>“For fuck’s sake, Mike, stop playing the Jesus card, you’re not a fucking martyr, and we won’t risk you getting in fucking jail because you think that everything is your responsibility. It’s not.”</p><p>Richie sighed, fiddling with his glasses, sitting on his bed. Eddie looked at him curiously. He was expecting Richie to try to stop him, to change his mind, but he didn’t… As if he could read his mind and guess what he was thinking about, Richie smiled softly to Eddie, holding his hand:</p><p>“Listen, my favorite tiny angry gremlin. I don’t like it at all, and I wish you didn’t want to do that, but you want to do that, and I’m trusting you and supporting you. You know what you’re doing. You’re not a kid that needs adults to think for him. You’re Eddie Kaspbrak, and you’re so fucking brave.”</p><p>Richie squeezed Eddie’s hand and inviting him to get closer, hugging him tightly:</p><p>“I love you, Eds. Let me help you and be there for you.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, his heart beating too fast. Richie looked at Mike as well, inviting him in this hug. For a while, they stayed like that, limbs entangled, loving each other in a way that words couldn’t manage to explain. Nothing could keep them down for long. Together, they always got up on their feet, fighting back, again, and again, and again. </p><p>And that’s what they were going to do. Richie called the journalist, fiddling with his stupid calling card, setting up Eddie’s interview time. He had grimaced, hearing how the guy was beyond excited to finally get his fucking article. What was he going to write, exactly? But it was Eddie’s choice. And Richie wanted to show him that he trusted him. That he could make his own decisions, and no one would be able to force him to do otherwise.</p><p>They talked a while about what happened, what they were going to do, and what Eddie would say. Eddie wished to talk about Mike’s suffering and how it impacted him, because it was<em>  his </em> story, his pain, but Mike let him know that people would probably not care and, as much as Richie wanted to disagree, their friend was probably right. Derry didn’t care about Mike’s pain. But they would care about Eddie, because he looked the part, because he was slightly famous, because he was their “poor little angel”. As revolting as it was, it was unfortunately true, and Eddie couldn’t do much about it. He could only help and hope that it would be enough to stop Henry Bowers once and for all.</p><p>The hours went by, and it was way past midnight when they finally laid down on the bed. It wasn’t conceived for three people, but none of them could care less. Mike was in the middle, surrounded by Richie and Eddie, who provided him the comfort and support that he needed. Eddie was curled up against him, hugging his arm, letting him know that he was there for him. Richie was contorting his tall body, leaning down against Mike, holding his hand gently and tenderly. </p><p>They wanted Mike to feel loved and safe, and it worked. Mike chuckled quietly, hugging them back.</p><p>“I can’t believe you, guys… Thanks. Thank you so much.”</p><p>“Anytime, Mike. We’ll buy a bigger bed next time. You’ll get a front seat to our sweet love-making session, isn’t that neat?”</p><p>Eddie moaned and made a disgusted face, while Mike was laughing, used to Richie’s raunchy humor:</p><p>“No, thank you. You’re so gross sometimes, Richie. I’d rather be in jail than to have to see that.”</p><p>Neither Richie nor Eddie could get themselves to laugh at Mike’s joke. Because it could have happened. Because if they haven’t been there when Bowers had tried to handcuff him, he would likely be there right now, at the police station, being interrogated mercilessly while still in shock… Fuck this system. Fuck this town. Fuck everything.</p><p>“I have nothing left here anymore.”</p><p>Mike whispered these few words with a broken voice, trembling slightly. Choking a sob, he managed to utter, deeply vulnerable in a way he never was usually:</p><p>“I don’t want to stay here alone...”</p><p>Richie and Eddie didn’t need to consult each other to do the exact same thing: hugging Mike tenderly, keeping him close, letting him know how much they valued him, how much they loved him, that they would always be there for us, no matter what.</p><p>“Come with us...” Richie ushered, hugging Mike tightly. “Let’s leave Derry together. Okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded and whined approvingly. And Mike didn’t answer, at first. As if he couldn’t believe that they wanted him to go with them. That they never thought for once to leave him behind, not if he didn’t want to stay…</p><p>“Okay.” It was barely audible, a word uttered in a sob. Mike chuckled, crying and smiling at the same time. “Okay. Together.”</p><p>Together. Nothing and no one would ever keep them apart. Eddie would do anything to make sure of that. Absolutely anything. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, yeah, Eddie's finally going to use his unwanted fame for something he cares about. He realized that he is not powerless and that he can turn his struggles into strengths. Mike was the tipping point, because he was only trying to be the best in his work field and to make everyone else happy. For his dreams to be burned down like that, for him to get tortured and forced to confront his past so brutally... Eddie couldn't just accept it passively and hope for Bowers to get punished someday. He's decided to act, no matter what.</p><p>I just really love portraying Mike, Richie and Eddie's relationship, their friendship beyond Richie and Eddie's love. So, yeah, Mike is going to leave Derry with them. He doesn't have anything there for him to stay anymore. Maybe, in a way, it's for the best... </p><p>Thank you for your support after all this time. I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to comment, leave a kudos or subscribe to this story or the series in itself, so that you'll get warned of an upcoming update as soon as it happens. I'd love to know what you thought about this chapter and what you think's going to happen.</p><p>Take care! See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 20th chapter of this fanfic! Thank you for being there after all this time. This chapter is a little bit special, I really liked writing it, I hope you'll like it as well :D. It's been a while I wanted to write it, but never found the opportunity to do so, so here it is!</p><p>I hope you're doing okay. Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for mention of racism<br/>TW for ableism<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for infantilization<br/>TW for mention of homophobia</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mike, it hurts, Mike, make it stop, Mike, help us! Why aren’t you with us? We need you, it hurts so much! Mike, Mike, Mike, MIKE!</p><p>Mike opened his eyes, his breath caught in his throat. He could still smell the smoke, hear his parents screaming, his whole life disappearing in a raging fire. But he was safe. He was not there anymore. He sighed deeply, trying to calm himself down and not disturb the peaceful sleep of his friends. It was still early, after everything that happened yesterday, they needed the rest…</p><p>He still had trouble believing what happened. And why it did. Yesterday, he was working in his library, getting anxious about his upcoming projects, wondering if his budget would allow him to do everything he wanted to do. And then, suddenly, his world came to an end. Mike didn’t have the time to understand what happened, to realize his situation fully. The flames were already there, rising up, taking away from him everything that he cared about. Again. And again. And again.</p><p>His heart was beating too fast. His breathing was getting ragged. He needed to calm down or he was going to wake up everyone, causing them to worry once more. They already had so much on their plate, they couldn’t just take his load as well. Mike felt guilty already, thinking about Eddie’s determination to set things right. He shouldn’t have to do that. He shouldn’t have to force himself to talk to the people he hated the most, just to protect Mike. It wasn’t fair.</p><p>But nothing was fair. Mike had learned that a long time ago, when he lost his parents in a matter of minutes. The more time passed, the less he remembered clearly this event. They probably didn’t scream all this stuff that he was dreaming about, but he couldn’t be sure. He wasn’t sure the smell of burning flesh was truthful either or if it was just his mind trying to torment him any further. Everything was so messed up.</p><p>He never really had the opportunity to talk about that to anyone. His grandparents were all about leaving the past behind and focusing on the present, to build a good future. They barely mentioned Mike’s parents, only to remind him that he needed to be tough like his father. Mike wasn’t tough. He couldn’t bring himself to kill any sheep on his grandparents’ farm, which made him <em>weak, </em>according to his grandfather. A meek lamb who would end up devoured by this world’s wolves, one way or another…</p><p>Mike found his solace in the books he spent so much of his time reading, telling stories of heroic and compassionate characters, rewarded in the end for their good deeds, finding happiness in love and friendship. Alone as he used to be, he dreamed of getting this happiness too. He never asked for much: just a few friends, maybe someone to love…</p><p>And life decided to give him friends, making him part of the Losers club. They were all misfits in their own way, all different. A bunch of meek lambs that learned to bare their teeth and fight against any wolf they’d encountered… With them, Mike felt strong like he never had been. He could handle the townsfolk’s hatred, ignorance, and prejudice, as long as he had his pack to help him feel strong, valued, respected. </p><p>But one by one, the Losers left. Bill, Stan, Bev, Ben, all gone, all living a better life somewhere else. They called, and they tried to come at least once yearly, but it wasn’t the same. Before Eddie came back, Richie was a mere shadow of the person that he used to be, and he was mostly avoiding Mike, who could only try to let himself in when Richie allowed him to. Mike didn’t say anything, because he felt that it was a selfish thought, but those years were also hard for him.</p><p>He felt utterly alone, as if his entire world left him behind. He missed his moments with Bill, listening to him rambling about his stories and giving him his input. He longed for the time he got to spend with Ben, discussing the books they read and the poetry his friend liked so much. He missed Bev and the way she would always push him out of his comfort zone, always holding a hand out for him to feel safe and guided while doing so. </p><p>He wanted to go back to those times with Stanley, where they would do nothing but bird-watching together, peaceful and quiet moment in an otherwise fucked-up life. Mike never liked the birds and even feared some of them, but he loved standing close to Stanley and seeing him so focused, knowing that he was sharing with Mike something deeply personal for him. </p><p>He missed Richie and his crude jokes, the way he would care too much, and try to bring everyone around here to smile and laugh, as if they had every reason to be happy. The Richie he stayed close to all of those years was angry against the whole world and so engulfed in his despair that he couldn’t bear anyone else’s presence. Anyone who wasn’t Eddie.</p><p>And Mike missed Eddie too, yeah. He had been the latest addition to their group, and Mike wasn’t sure what to make of him first. When he first met him, Eddie was exhausted and barely able to interact with anyone, in a way Mike had trouble understanding. But the Eddie that he met this day was very different from the Eddie he would befriend later. </p><p>Eddie was weird, frank, snappy, talking so fast that Mike sometimes wondered if he even needed to breathe. But he was also genuinely caring and kind, so loyal to his friends that he would jump from a cliff for them. Eh, he actually did it, a few weeks ago… And then, he was the first to leave, only to come back… different. Different in a way that broke Mike’s heart so painfully.</p><p>Mike had found his calling, working for the Derry library, but he still felt alone, Richie focusing his entire time to Eddie. Mike understood it, but he couldn’t help the selfish thoughts in his mind. He missed his friends. Working allowed him to push that back and find solace and happiness in bringing joy to other people. He liked seeing the library full of life, children amazed by the stories he told them, people coming back again and again, learning to accept him and appreciate his work…</p><p>Then Richie and Eddie started to take some steps in the outside world, and Mike didn’t feel so alone anymore. He loved going out with them or having them at his library. He valued Eddie’s help and the work they did together at the library. It was a simple life, but it was everything Mike yearned for during all those years. He wouldn’t dare to ask for more.</p><p>But he should have been aware that life never allowed him to be happy for too long. First, he had to get used to the idea that Eddie and Richie were going to move out at some point. They offered him to come, but he couldn’t give up on his work. He had responsibilities, and he wasn’t going to back down, not when they were all counting on him. Mike had dreamed for so long to get away from his grandparents’ farm and work at the library. Now that he had this opportunity, he couldn’t just…</p><p>But the library burned. It burned, all of his work erased, all of his investment turning into ashes. And they probably wouldn’t rebuild it. It would be too expansive, too long of an investment, for how little they managed to gain from it. Mike could fight for the library’s survival as long as it was <em> there </em>, but he couldn’t do anything now that it was gone. It was over. </p><p>Mike felt… empty. He cried so much yesterday, probably more than he ever cried his entire life. He couldn’t bring himself to feel angry either. He was just numb. Although he could feel a spark of something positive, slowly birthing in his heart, in his mind… Knowing that he wasn’t alone. Knowing that he wouldn’t be left alone. </p><p>He turned his head towards Eddie, who was gripping his right arm, that Mike could barely feel anymore, and snoring lightly, all curled up, climbing a bit over his body. Mike was going to miss those moments they worked together, that was for sure. But Eddie was still there, determined, decided to do everything he could to make sure that Henry Bowers wouldn’t get away with that. To do everything for Mike. His heart warmed up at the thought. Mike doubted he deserved it, but he loved it nonetheless. He loved his friends.</p><p>Richie was on his left, one of his legs dangling out of the blanket, about to fall down from the bed that was definitely too small for them to share. He had let go of Mike’s hand at some point, but he was still close, his head buried in Mike’s neck, his hair tickling him a bit. Were they always sleeping that close to each other, Richie and Eddie? Mike never experienced something like that, used to his single bed in his empty flat. But it was… nice. A bit smothering, sure, but… but it helped him feel safe. Despite everything.</p><p>Richie started to tip over from the bed, and Mike prevented him at the last moment, using his strength to keep him from doing so. Richie’s eyes opened wide, a confused expression on his face:</p><p>“W… What?”</p><p>Mike couldn’t help, but laugh at the sight of Richie’s wild hair sticking everywhere, his lips parted in a bewildered expression, his gaze utterly lost. He whispered to him, managing to smile for a second:</p><p>“You were about to fall.”</p><p>“ ‘Wouldn’t be the first time...”</p><p>Richie yawned, adjusting his posture, looking at Eddie, who was still deeply asleep. At some point, he started to rub his face gently against Mike’s arm, muttering something unintelligible, to which Mike and Richie tenderly smiled. </p><p>“I can’t feel my right arm anymore. I think I’m about to lose it.”</p><p>Richie chuckled, patting Mike’s head:</p><p>“Yeah, I know the feeling. Do you need help with that?”</p><p>Mike shook his head as an answer. Using his left hand, he caressed Eddie’s cheek, who let out a weird noise as if he was reacting to the soft touch:</p><p>“No, that’s fine. We should let him rest a bit more. He’s going to have a hard day.”</p><p>Richie grimaced at the thought:</p><p>“Yeah, for sure. I can’t believe he’s really going to do that.”</p><p>“He shouldn’t. It’s… It’s not worth it. I’m okay, I can handle it, I...”</p><p>Richie put his index finger on Mike’s lips to shut him up. Mike obeyed, knowing already what Richie was about to tell and feeling a bit self-conscious that he had to be reminded of that again:</p><p>“You’re worth it, Mike. And it’s his decision, so it’s not our place to judge it or try to convince him to do otherwise. Eddie doesn’t need more people telling him that his decisions don’t matter and that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. We can only be there for him. And then, Eddie and I will be there for you, Mikey Mike.”</p><p>Richie held his hand in his, and Mike squeezed it. Richie had always been tactile, and that was something Mike took some time to get used to. His grandparents were never really hugging him or having a lot of tender gestures towards him. He learned to appreciate it with the Losers club. To crave for it even, sometimes. </p><p>“Are you okay, Mike? Did you sleep well?”</p><p>“Yes. And no. But it’s fine. You’re there and… and it means a lot to me.”</p><p>Mike blushed slightly and closed his eyes for a short moment, taking a deep breath. He often had trouble believing that he deserved to be cared for, especially by the folks that he loved. He couldn’t help, but feel selfish and egoistic at the slightest attention, the smallest things he dared to ask for. When he opened his eyes, Richie was straightened up on his bed, putting his glasses on and staring at him:</p><p>“Mike, you’re our friend. Of course, we’re there for you. I’m sorry if you ever doubted that, but you matter a whole lot to us and, frankly, we were pretty sad to think about leaving Derry without you. Eddie was decided to try to convince you again and again until you accepted. I’m not going to say that the library burning is actually good news, but...”</p><p>“Too soon, Richie.”</p><p>It was, but Mike still managed to bring a smile to his lips nonetheless. Richie didn’t mean to be hurtful. He was just trying to help, and Mike appreciated it. Richie chuckled nervously, fiddling with his glasses:</p><p>“Yeah, you’re right. Too soon. Still, I… I’m thrilled you’re coming with us, Mike. We’re all going to be the best roommates ever. <em> Friends  </em>can’t hold a candle to us all.”</p><p>“I’d be fine if we didn’t experience all the antics and drama they went through. Too much for me.”</p><p> Richie audibly gasped, putting a hand over his heart:</p><p>“What? So I can’t adopt a pet monkey? The tragedy!”</p><p>“You really want to compare yourself to Ross, Richie? I thought you’d be more of a Joey.”</p><p>Richie grimaced exaggeratedly, shaking his head:</p><p>“Yeah, no, I’m definitely not Ross. Who would want to be Ross anyway? But who would you be, Mike, I wonder… Chandler, perhaps? Monica?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t have been cast. Not white enough.”</p><p>Richie bit back a laugh at Mike’s joke.</p><p>“That’s dark. I mean… You know what the fuck I mean!”</p><p>Mike couldn’t help but laugh at Richie’s embarrassment. They must have been too noisy because Eddie started to move, rubbing his eyes. Still sleepy, he kept gripping Mike’s arm, going as far as kissing the skin. </p><p>“Eds? I’m here.”</p><p>Eddie raised his head towards Richie, staring at him with a faraway gaze, before looking down at Mike and realizing whose arm he was currently holding and just kissed. An “Oh” slipped past his lips, and he let go of Mike’s numbed arm, yawning and straightening up. Mike massaged his arm to try to gain back some sensation, while Eddie was slowly extracting his mind from the fog that was currently invading it. Eddie was a heavy sleeper, and he always had a hard time whenever he woke up from his naps or in the morning. Mike had seen it a few times, and it never stopped to be funny.</p><p>“My arm must have made a good pillow, I guess. You’re doing okay?”</p><p>Eddie answered with an “uh-uh” barely audible, before shoving his fingers between his lips, sucking distractedly on them. Richie got up, joining Eddie’s side of the bed, kneeling down at his feet. He held Eddie’s hand gently, caressing it tenderly:</p><p>“Come on, let’s do it like usual. Shower, then breakfast. We’ll see how it goes after that.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, allowing Richie to help him up. He leaned on his shoulder, seemingly about to sleep once again, while Richie smiled apologetically to Mike:</p><p>“Part of Eddie’s routine. It shouldn’t be too long. You can go downstairs and help yourself. Don’t feel awkward about it. Mi casa es su casa, as french folks say.”</p><p>“That’s not french, Richie.”</p><p>Richie pulled out his tongue as a childish answer, managing to get a giggle out of Mike. He sat on the bed while they were going to the bathroom, sighing deeply. The weight on his shoulders felt slightly less heavy, but it was still there, reminding him of everything he just lost, wondering if he could have done something to prevent it. But it happened, and he couldn’t do anything to fix that. </p><p>Mike could only move forward, along with his friends. And try to keep them safe. He was still feeling uneasy at the idea that Eddie accepted to make a show of himself because of him. Eddie hated to be the center of attention, especially if it was only because of his disability and not something he had accomplished personally. But that’s exactly what was going to happen, and Mike wasn’t sure he was worth something like that, despite what his friends told him.</p><p>When Mike arrived downstairs, Maggie was already up, preparing breakfast. She saluted him warmly and smiled, but Mike could see that she cried. He hadn’t forgotten how Richie shut her down yesterday, and, from what he had been able to gather, he probably kept this distance between himself and his parents since the beginning of the year. He understood why, but… but as someone who wished that he still had his parents to talk to, it still left him slightly bitter. </p><p>“Hey, Maggie. Need a hand?”</p><p>“It’s okay, Mike, just sit down. Richie and Eddie are in the bathroom, I’m assuming?”</p><p>Mike nodded at her words, while her smile became slightly sadder:</p><p>“They’re always there for each other. And for you too. I just wish they'd let us in, Went and I, from times to times...”</p><p>She sighed, before shaking her head, adding apologetically:</p><p>“Sorry, I’m dumping my stuff on you, but you already have so much to think about.”</p><p>“It’s fine, Maggie. I swear. Actually, I’d like it a lot if you could take my mind out of all of that.”</p><p>Mike had always been a listener, someone people knew they could rely on. Sometimes, he even had people he didn’t know at all coming at his library and dumping their load onto him. He didn’t always know how to react, but he tried to help, as much as possible. It felt good, knowing that he managed to lift up someone’s spirits. Even if they’d probably never do the same for him…</p><p>“It’s just… Richie keeps pushing us back, again and again. I’m trying really hard to figure out what’s wrong, what we could have done to hurt him, but I can’t think of anything, and he’s avoiding us. Eddie doesn’t want to talk either. I’m just… I’m scared, I suppose. Worried. Do you know what’s going on?”</p><p>It wasn’t Mike’s place to say anything. He wouldn’t betray Richie’s trust like that. He had been the first to know of Richie’s secret, even if his friend didn’t mean to tell him, and he wasn’t one to share what wasn’t his to give. Maggie’s concern was painful to witness, but it was too serious and too personal for Mike to tell her like that. It wasn’t like Richie was in danger or anything like that. Mike could have thought about telling someone else, in that case, to keep him safe. But not this secret. </p><p>“I can’t tell you a thing, Maggie. I’m sorry. When Richie’s going to be ready, he’ll tell you. But until then, you… you just have to wait.”</p><p>Maggie sighed, fiddling anxiously with her hair. Mike couldn’t say more, although he wished he could help her in some way. Getting close to her, he put his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently:</p><p>“It’s gonna be okay. I’m sure Richie won’t keep pushing you back any longer. Give him time.”</p><p>Hearing Richie and Eddie climbing down the stairs, Mike sat back on his chair, while Maggie was composing a smile on her face. After she saluted them, Eddie whined an answer and hugged her, but Richie merely greeted her back, and Mike grimaced slightly. But what could he do? He didn’t understand what Richie was going through, as much as he tried to. He could only stand back and hope for the best for his friends. </p><p>It was a weird and oppressive atmosphere. Mike didn’t like it much. Maggie kept trying to interact with Richie, but Richie focused entirely on Eddie and Mike, only giving her short answers that were probably frustrating her even more. It was going to explode at some point, and Mike wasn’t sure he wanted to be there when it did. He cleared his throat, trying to change the subject:</p><p>“So, uh, I heard you got a new job, Maggie? Congratulations.”</p><p>Maggie beamed at his words, and Mike knew he chose the right topic. It had been so long since Richie’s mom was jobless. Of course, she would be happy to talk about it.</p><p>“Thank you, Mike, that’s kind of you! I’m starting in a few days now, I’m really impatient. I can only hope it will last. It’s been so long...”</p><p>“I’m sure it’s going to be fine, Maggie. You earned it.”</p><p>Eddie whined approvingly, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>You’re gonna show everyone they were wrong not to give you a shot. And then, they’ll all line up to beg for your forgiveness.” </em></p><p>Maggie chuckled at Eddie’s words. But Richie didn’t react. He was looking down at his bowl of cereal, playing with his food without eating it. Maggie tried to get his attention, calling out to him softly:</p><p>“Richie...”</p><p>Richie slammed his spoon against his bowl, causing everyone to jump. Eddie let out a tiny yelp, and Richie apologized, caressing his hair. He sighed deeply, before finally telling Maggie:</p><p>“Mom, I just need some space. Give me some space, and I’ll tell you everything this weekend, okay? But right now, I’m fucking worried and upset, and if I have to worry about you on top of everything else, I won’t be able to be there for Mike or Eddie, and I have to. So, please, leave me alone for now.”</p><p>“This… This weekend?”</p><p>Richie lifted up his glasses, rubbing his eyes:</p><p>“Yes. I’ll tell you everything and you and Dad will do what you want with that. But until then, I need you to leave me alone. Please?”</p><p>Mike could see that Maggie wanted to add something, but she decided against it and remained silent. So, Richie was going to come out to his parents this weekend. Mike hoped it would be fine, but how could he be sure? People could be so… intolerant. He knew a few things about that.</p><p>He was pretty sure his grandparents would have a few choice words about Richie if they ever knew about it. Coming from people who knew everything about being prejudiced against, Mike couldn’t wrap his head around it. But that’s how it was. And he could only hope that Maggie and Went would be more open-minded than his own folks would ever be.</p><p>Hours were ticking by. Eddie and Richie were visibly nervous, pacing around the living room, waiting for the reporter to come to their house. After that, Mike would have to go to the station. Or they’d go looking for him directly, and it wouldn’t be good for his case, he knew it. He was deeply anxious about it. He had learned to fear the police, whose officers tended to give one good look at him before deeming him guilty of something, anything. He could only hope that they’d be understanding this time. Or that Eddie’s interview would be enough to prevent them from accusing him hastily.</p><p>Mike couldn’t imagine himself in jail. For what? He never did anything wrong. The worst thing he ever did was to forget to do one of his homework while he was homeschooled, but was it fucking worth jail-time? Of course not. It wasn’t. But life was unfair. Mike knew it. And if destiny decided that Mike hadn’t suffered enough, well, he couldn’t do much about it. Just try to make sure that his friends wouldn’t get hurt in the process.</p><p>Eddie slapped his head and let out a whine. Richie immediately stopped pacing and held him in his arms, shushing him and sitting down with him on the couch. Mike bit his bottom lip at the sight, feeling utterly guilty. If he had been able to prevent it from happening or, at least, to hold it together long enough to not need their help, Eddie wouldn’t have to do what he was about to do. And he wouldn’t feel so nervous.</p><p>“Eddie, you don’t...”</p><p>Eddie groaned at Mike’s words. He reached out for his lightwriter, while Richie kept stroking his other arm gently to calm him down:</p><p>“<em>Don’t tell me what to do, Mike. I’m not going to back down, and you know that.” </em></p><p>“But you shouldn’t have to. It’s my problem, I don’t want you to get hurt in the process. I’m fine, I promise.”</p><p>He wasn’t. And Eddie and Richie both knew it. Mike sighed deeply, while Richie smiled gently at him:</p><p>“I told you, he made his decision, and he’s stubborn.”</p><p>“But you shouldn’t have to do that for <em> me,  </em>Eddie.”</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow at Mike’s words. He got up from Richie’s lap and faced Mike, pinching his cheeks.</p><p>“W… Why?”</p><p>Eddie let his skin go, sitting next to Mike, rubbing his knee gently before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Because you’re worth it. Because I’m doing that for you and for me. Because I love you, and I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt. Because you’re my friend, Mike. My family.” </em></p><p>Family… It meant so much to Mike. He always thought of the Losers as his pack, his family, but never dared to voice it out loud, as if they would shut him down, reminding him of his place. But Eddie said it clearly, and Mike had felt his heart swelling up, hearing it from him. Richie said it as well, squeezing his hand:</p><p>“You’re stuck with us, Mikey Mike, like it or not. I’ll keep annoying you until the end of time, and Eddie’s gonna do that too. Because we’re family and that’s how it works. Shame, right?”</p><p>Mike had a quick smile, fighting the tears that wanted to roll down his cheeks. He thought he had lost everything, but it wasn’t the case. His dream might have turned into ashes, but he was still standing up, and he was not alone. He’ll find another goal. Somewhere he belonged, along with his friends. He’ll build a life, away from Derry, away from everything else.</p><p>The doorbell rang, and Eddie put his hands over his ears, an annoyed whine slipping past his lips. He took a deep breath, while Richie was getting up and greeting the reporter, guiding him to the living room. The man immediately took Eddie’s picture, prompting Richie to put his hand on the new camera, uttering menacingly:</p><p>“Don’t do that again without asking for Eddie’s permission, or I’ll smash this new camera like the old one. Are we clear?”</p><p>The reporter wasn’t happy with that, but he nodded, sitting on a chair, facing Eddie. Richie sat next to his partner, squeezing his hand to show him his support, while Mike was doing the same, looking at the guy who was going to interview Eddie. His gaze… It was greedy, intrusive, and devoid of any decency. Mike didn’t know how Eddie could handle to be looked at that way…</p><p>The reporter immediately started to talk to Richie, thanking him for this opportunity, but Richie shut him down quickly:</p><p>“It’s Eddie that you’re interviewing. You’re asking him questions, and he’ll answer how he wants to. He can understand you, and he’s the one who wants to talk to you, I’m only here to support him and make sure you’re not trying to bullshit him. So, do what you have to, but stop talking to me if it’s Eddie you should talk to.”</p><p>“<em>Richie’s right. I can understand you, and I can answer you. Let’s do it, we don’t have all day.” </em></p><p>The reporter didn’t seem to expect Eddie to respond like that and was currently at a loss for words. Mike sighed deeply, caressing Eddie’s hand. They were gotten off to a bad start, indeed. Hopefully, the rest of their day would get better...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yes, I finally managed to write a chapter from Mike's POV! I hope you liked it and I did justice to his character. He just has so much potential, but the movies did him dirty and I didn't learn to appreciate him fully until I watched the miniseries and got to know him a bit better. Who knows, maybe I'll write a whole fanfic about him one day? I'll see how it goes.</p><p>I wanted to share some of his inner thoughts, as I imagined them to be. I think he's the type who just wants to be there for everyone else, but starts to feel guilty as soon as someone is there for him. As if he hasn't earned it or something. He's just kindness incarnated and he would probably benefit from therapy, like Richie and Eddie. </p><p>Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos if you feel like it, I'd love to read your thoughts c:. Don't hesitate to subscribe as well if you want to be warned of any update as soon as a chapter is published.</p><p>Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 21st chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it. My mood wasn't exactly on top when I wrote it, the day has been difficult and I got creeped out by a weirdo who called me on my phone and started to say weird things to me. That he was an old friend or something and he seemed to know where I'm living (the city, at least)... I don't know, it was creepy. I had a hard time to stop obsessing over it, so yeah. Definitely influenced this chapter's writing. In a good or bad way? Can't tell x). I hope he'll never call again.</p><p>Anyway, I wanted to thank you all for your support and for being there. Writing this chapter REALLY helped me to take my mind off things and I needed it. So, thank you for being there to motivate me and help me get over my stuff c:. </p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for ableism<br/>TW for casual ableism<br/>TW for r-word<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for graphical content</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something else. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie was doing his best to remain calm, despite the anxiety gnawing his heart and guts. This setting, it was all too familiar. He remembered all of those interviews his mom did, parading him like some kind of fancy pet. Eddie had nothing to say, and no one was willing to listen to him anyway. None of the people who gushed over his mother ever thought for one second that Eddie could understand them and was able to communicate, given the right tools to do so.</p><p>And this reporter thought the same. He gave one look at Eddie and decided that he was not worth trying to talk to. Eddie hated that, especially now that he was on the path to recovery and realizing progressively that he deserved to be treated better. It made him feel small and pathetic, in a way he was having a hard time coping with. At least, he was now allowing himself to feel angry and not against himself. That person was an asshole, but Eddie needed him. He needed him to listen to him and write down his words.</p><p>Eddie stared at the journalist’s camera, hoping that he wouldn’t be foolish enough to try once again to take a picture of him without his consent. People did that all the time. Eddie was also filmed during a whole year, even during his most intimate moments. It was a weird idea, knowing that a part of his life had been put on tape for anyone to watch. He didn’t dare to take a look at it himself, but maybe he should… Face the person that he had been and say good-bye to that Eddie definitely. He’d have to talk to his therapist about that…</p><p>The reporter seemed particularly awkward at the moment, tapping with his pen on his notebook, looking at Richie, Eddie, and Mike intermittently, as if he didn’t know who he was supposed to talk to. He probably prepared himself to speak with Richie, assuming that Eddie didn’t really have the cognitive abilities to do so. Instead, he now had to face his prejudices, and he was clearly at a loss.</p><p>Eddie sighed, tapping the floor with his feet, before typing on his lightwriter, an annoyed expression on his face:</p><p>“<em>You’re here to interview me, so let’s talk. I told you, we don’t have all day.” </em></p><p>“Uh, yeah, sorry. So… Edward Kaspbrak, I wanted to thank you for this interview. Our readers and I were worried about you, we hoped to...”</p><p>“<em>No.” </em></p><p>Eddie interrupted him, a groan slipping past his lips. Richie caressed his shoulder tenderly, helping him stay calm, while Mike was holding one of his hands in a gentle squeeze. He needed that. Eddie needed his partner and his friend right now, to keep him grounded.</p><p>“<em>You were not worried about me. You were curious. That’s different.” </em></p><p>“I assure you, Edward, that we wanted nothing but the best for you. What you went through with your mother, and after that, including your disability, it’s terrible.”</p><p>“<em>I’m not a tragedy, Sir, and my autism isn’t terrible in itself. And I don’t recall any of you helping me when I wasn’t famous. I was still autistic back then, and my mother was still abusive. You all knew that, but you did nothing. Just like you never did anything about Henry Bowers, when you were all aware of what he was capable of.” </em></p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, memories flooding his mind. He still remembered the feeling of the tar against his face, while Bowers was holding him down, his hand gripping Eddie’s head with brutality. He could still feel the cold blade of his bully’s knife against his cheek, how much he was suffering everywhere. But most of all, he remembered how powerless he was and the terror he felt, being unable to stop Bowers’ friends from beating up Richie. A scared whine escaped his throat, and Richie hugged him tightly, whispering a few words to his ear. Enough to keep him grounded. Enough to give him the strength to continue to talk.</p><p>“Do you have a comment to make about Henry Bowers? He’s the Sheriff’s son, you should probably be careful about...”</p><p>“<em>I’m tired of being careful. I don’t care anymore. He hurt me, and he hurt my friends, and I can’t let him get away with that. He was the one who beat us up, Richie and I, a few months ago. And no one intervened.” </em></p><p>“We were all wondering what happened to you, Edward. You were covered with bruises, and neither you nor the Toziers deigned to comment on your wounds. We started to think that your foster family might have… you know...”</p><p>Eddie’s eyes widened at the reporter’s allegation. He couldn’t believe it. They really thought that the Toziers might have beat him up? Seriously? He had no idea if the guy ever wrote an article about that, and he didn’t want to know. Reading those words would only make him more furious… and he would lose control. He knew it.</p><p>Richie was the one who talked, Eddie too stunned and repulsed to manage to answer:</p><p>“We did nothing to him. I’ll never hurt Eddie! Bowers broke my fucking nose, as you can see it, and a few ribs as well. It took us way too long to heal physically, but even longer to feel safe enough to even leave our house. No one helped, except Greta Keene, the ex-pharmacist’s daughter. Ask her if you don’t believe us. If it wasn’t for her, I’m not even sure we’d be here right now, talking to you...”</p><p>Eddie shivered at the thought. Richie was right. Bowers wasn’t decided to stop hurting them, back then. He would have cut through his face with his knife, and his friends would have beaten up Richie to death. Eddie didn’t really remember how it ended, but he knew that Greta intervened, when no one else did. As mean as she was when they were kids and could still be, she did save their lives and risked Bowers’ wrath while doing so.</p><p>The reporter took a few notes, nodding and gripping his pen. He definitely didn’t seem to expect to hear any of that. He was ruffling through his notebook’s pages, crossing questions that he had planned to ask and were probably uninteresting right now. Getting to shine a light on the violence that Eddie faced was way more compelling than anything he had previously planned…</p><p>“Why would Henry Bowers attack you like that? Did he say something back then?”</p><p>Eddie was decided not to mention the homophobic slurs Henry had for them, which was probably a big part of the reason why he was hellbent on beating them up. They were different, and Henry wanted to make them pay for that. But Eddie wasn’t going to talk about that, certainly not to this fucking reporter. He didn’t need to know. No one else needed to know.</p><p>“<em>Bowers always hated us, even back in school. I used to hide during recess to avoid him and his little gang. I think he wants us dead. He didn’t hesitate to burn Derry’s library, even though Mike was in there. He’s fucking dangerous, and you all know it.” </em></p><p>Mike squeezed his hand tighter, and Eddie turned his gaze towards him, letting out a worried whine. Mike shushed him and caressed his hair:</p><p>“I’m fine, don’t worry. Keep on talking.”</p><p>He was probably not, but Eddie didn’t want to insist, especially not in front of the scum that was interviewing him. Taking a deep breath, Eddie typed on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>He’s the one who burned the library. You can write that in your rag. He probably thought that I was there too and wanted us to burn alive.” </em></p><p>“Those are strong allegations, Edward. What makes you so sure of that?”</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes at the journalist’s skepticism. They knew it. They all knew it, but didn’t dare to say a thing because they would anger the Sheriff and it would be bad business. No one wanted to have the cops on their back, and Mr. Bowers was sitting on top of his little kingdom with pride, all too happy to control everyone and be able to keep his son out of jail, only to beat him up whenever he felt like it. And no one said anything. No one did a single thing.</p><p>“<em>It’s Bowers. I know it. Write it in your article. Eddie Kaspbrak accuses Henry Bowers of burning Derry’s library and assaulting him. I’m not backing down. I don’t want you to tone it down. If you want to paint me as a broken and weeping little angel, then fine. Do that. I don’t care. But you need to put those exact words in your article. If you can get this statement to appear on the front page, then do so.” </em></p><p>“You’re playing a dangerous game, Edward.”</p><p>“<em>I don’t have a choice. I want him to fall. I want him to pay for what he did to my friends. If I have to go back on TV for it to happen, then I’ll do it.” </em></p><p>Eddie never imagined that he would want to do such a thing, one day. He still remembered vividly the day his mom was invited to her favorite talk show, dragging him along with her. The noise… Richie’s intervention… How he pushed her… How she… How she…</p><p>Eddie shook his head fiercely, while slapping his face to keep himself grounded. Richie took his hand in his, caressing the skin, trying to prevent him from hurting himself again. He had to. He had to do that, or he was going to regress, and he didn’t want to do that in front of that reporter. He couldn’t handle the thought. Too often, this man had seen him while he was incredibly vulnerable, unable to express himself, and unable to protect himself. He refused for that to happen once again.</p><p>He took a deep breath, looking at the reporter once again. The man seemed strangely relieved after seeing him act like that, as if he was finally encountering a familiar situation, something he was prepared for. The idea caused Eddie to get nauseous. He curled up slightly, while Richie was holding him close, cradling him so that he would feel protected. Safe. He needed it, and he didn’t even care that the reporter could witness him like that. Fuck him.</p><p>“So… uh… Edward, I had a few other questions. From the info we managed to gather, you’re currently in therapy, your autism finally treated accordingly. You seem to have made a lot of progress since the last time you appeared on TV. Do you think you’ll ever be able to be cured?”</p><p>Eddie groaned at his words, crossing his arms around his chest. He wasn’t sick. He was born disabled, that was completely different. He could never become neurotypical and, frankly, he had no idea what kind of person he would be if he weren’t autistic. His autism was him, shaping him in ways that no one could really be able to perceive, making him the person that he was. The person that Richie, his parents, and their friends loved. The person that he was learning to appreciate, day after day.</p><p>“<em>Do you have other stupid questions like this one? I don’t think I’ll have the patience for that.” </em></p><p>The reporter seemed particularly offended by Eddie’s words, and Eddie retorted by giving him the middle finger, huffing angrily. Richie patted his shoulder, trying to help him to relax. Which wasn’t really working, but it was the thought that counted. Then his partner used sign language, asking him for his permission to answer the question for him. Eddie nodded, while the journalist was looking at them with a bewildered stare.</p><p>“Autism is not curable. You’re born autistic, or you’re not, that’s it. There’s no cure, and there’s no need for one. Eddie is fine the way he is, he doesn’t need to become someone else to conform to society’s expectations. If you can’t see it, your loss.”</p><p>“But you do have to admit that there’s something wrong with him. Poor Edward can’t talk and probably needs lots of daily help. You can’t tell me that you don’t wish things were different.”</p><p>Eddie felt his throat closing up at the reporter’s words, the way he seemingly forgot all about him only to talk to Richie. He only had to say something, and it was over for Eddie. Richie was able to pass as neurotypical and, as such, he was listened to, talked to. Meanwhile, Eddie was nothing more than a subject for them to discuss. A prop. His mother’s doll.</p><p>Richie took his hand in his, holding it so tightly that it was starting to hurt. Mike seemed just as pissed off, but he remained quiet, calm, and ready to intervene if necessary.</p><p>“I wish Eddie would have had a supportive family to help him strive and love himself the way he deserves. I wish Eddie would never have had to leave Derry and suffer his mom and his therapist’s abuse. But I’ll never want Eddie to be anyone else than the person that he is. I don’t care that he needs help, I’m happy to be there for him, and he’s helping me too. I don’t give a fuck that he can’t speak audibly, he can express himself in many ways, and all of them are valid. He’s my best friend and I l… I like him just the way he is. There’s nothing wrong with him.”</p><p>Richie took a deep breath, letting go of Eddie’s hand to hug him closely, firmly, strongly. Eddie sighed, melting in Richie’s arms. He needed that. He needed this touch, he needed him to be there. Without him, Eddie… Eddie wouldn’t be strong enough to handle everything. Richie was the one who gave him the strength to stand up for himself and for the people he cared about. His partner. His love. His soulmate.</p><p>“But, Richard, don’t you think that, by doing so, you’re coddling Edward? You don’t know what he’d be capable of if you just...”</p><p>“Out.”</p><p>Mike was the one who spoke out loud, saying this simple word. Richie was about to throw himself at the reporter, and Eddie was visibly pale, his breathing ragged and his eyes unfocused.</p><p>“You have your interview. Write about what you want, as long as you put in your article that my friend Eddie accuses Henry Bowers of the deeds he described to you. Now, out.”</p><p>Mike got up, and the reporter didn’t insist. He managed to take a quick picture of Eddie and ran away before any of them could intervene. Was it really such a good idea, after all? Eddie had been able to stand up for himself and say his piece, but… but to what cost?</p><p>Eddie felt awful. He couldn’t stop thinking about this man’s words. If Richie wasn’t coddling him, he could… he might… After all, he did need help on a daily basis, to the point that he couldn’t even eat on his own sometimes or needed a hand to put on his clothes. And he used to be able to talk, but now he couldn’t and maybe, just maybe, if he tried harder, he could be less… less Eddie. And it wouldn’t be so hard on Richie and his parents. It was his fault. He had to…</p><p>I was right, Eddie, and you know it. You’re sick, and I’m taking care of you. Those therapy sessions, they were for your own good. I only wanted for you to get better, Eddie bear, but you decided to be naughty and to throw all of your progress away. Look at you, you can’t even say a single sentence, and you’re struggling to tie your own shoes. Do I need to remind you how old you are? I was there for you, and you rejected me.</p><p>Eddie slid his fingers between his lips, sucking on them and listening to his mother’s voice, curled up against Richie, eyes definitely glassy. She was right. His mommy was right. She had always been. She only wanted the best for him, and he had been terribly ungrateful.</p><p>Now, he couldn’t talk, was barely able to take care of himself and, on top of that, he was <em>satisfied  </em>with that? He was really feeling proud of himself, when he never did anything but regress and set himself back, again and again? He was sure that he couldn’t even get his colors right if he were a patient during one of his old therapy sessions. Because he was stupid and retarded and he didn’t even try to be more than that.</p><p>Through his fingers, he managed to whine unintelligibly for his mother, getting away from Richie and Mike as soon as they tried to comfort him. He didn’t deserve that. He was being bad, and he needed his mom because she would know what to do, so that Eddie would be able to be a good boy again. He called for his mom even louder when Maggie, who stayed aside all this time, fearing Richie’s reaction, closed her arms around him, trying to comfort him.</p><p>He hadn’t earned it! The hugs, the soft voices, how kind they were to him, he didn’t deserve any of that! He had to get better, and his mom knew how he was supposed to do it, and he needed her! Struggling against Maggie’s grip, he managed to get away from her, moaning and whining, unable to make sense of his thoughts, of where he was and what he was supposed to do. His mom’s loud voice was invading his mind progressively, so much that, soon enough, there wasn’t room for anything else.</p><p>He was back <em>there,  </em>with his mommy, and his mommy was taking care of him because he needed her to. Because he was a stupid and mean boy who was getting lazy and hindered his progress. His mom told him that, and she was right. Biting on his fingers, using his other hand to pull on his hair, Eddie hummed nervously, listening to his mom’s rambling in his head.</p><p>Oh, Eddie Bear, I’ll never leave you, don’t worry. Mommy knows what to do and how to care for you. But right now, Eddie Bear, you’re being very mean and ungrateful, and you need to be punished. You have to be punished because you’re not obeying, and you’re getting worse. Can’t talk. Can’t wash yourself. Can’t do anything. Bad. Bad. Bad.</p><p>Eddie barely felt the pain when he started to hit his head against a nearby wall. They managed to stop him after one violent hit, Eddie struggling, screaming and begging to be released, to be punished, so that he could be a good boy again. The good boy that his mommy loved. The good boy that was getting better. Mommy would be proud of him! Mommy would love him! Mommy would never leave him!</p><p>Eddie was getting tired, struggling to get away from whoever was holding him tightly and stopping him from hurting himself. He was thrashing all around, throwing his head back violently to try to feel some pain or to get away from the person that had been able to trap him in their hold, to no avail. He was still small and weak, and he couldn’t do anything about it. They didn’t want to treat him like he deserved to be. Why didn’t they?</p><p>Soon enough, Eddie was too exhausted to even move. He didn’t struggle when they helped him to lie down on the couch, and he didn’t try to get away when he found himself resting his head on someone’s knees. He kept trying to call his mom, but he couldn’t get past the first syllable, and she wasn’t answering. Surely because he had been a bad boy. She didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He was the worst.</p><p>He didn’t deserve their kindness. How gently they were caressing his hair, how softly they were talking to him, even if he couldn’t understand what they were saying. He was not a good boy, and bad boys didn’t deserve to be loved. He whined protestingly, and they shushed him tenderly, adding words that he still couldn’t get. Why were they still nice to him? Why wasn’t he punished? He had to be!</p><p>He squirmed slightly, but wasn’t able to move much, as if his body was trying to handle the world’s whole weight and was crushed by it. He let out another moan when the man he recognized as Richie cupped his cheeks gently, whispering words that weren’t making sense to him. And then he stopped feeling his hands on him, and he supposed that it must be his punishment. Good. He deserved it. Now, he just needed to get away from the person he was lying on, to raise his head from their knees and… and…</p><p>Eddie blinked, slowly, his mind getting more and more confused, engulfed in a darkness that he couldn’t escape from. He needed to… He had to…</p><p>A loving voice, singing for him. He couldn’t recognize the words or the melody, but… but Eddie liked it. It made him want to curl up on himself and… and…</p><p>Eddie barely had the time to slip his fingers between his lips before he was vanquished by his exhaustion. He fell asleep on Maggie’s knees, while she was caressing his hair and doing her best to comfort him. To be there for one of her sons, that she loved so much.</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie didn’t remember his dreams. But he was covered in sweat, and his whole body was hurting, a physical pain that he embraced and used to try to stay grounded, while his mind was trying to put back together his foggy memories. He remembered that the reporter arrived, that he had been awfully rude and dismissive, that they talked and… and… the rest was terribly confusing. His head was throbbing, and he felt as tired as he would be if he had just run a marathon.</p><p>He rubbed his eyes and noticed that he was lying on Maggie’s knees. She was asleep, and Eddie didn’t dare to move, not wanting to wake her up. But he had to… After the interview, Mike, Richie, and he were supposed to go to the police station together… He had to be there for his friend. He had to.</p><p>Eddie carefully got up, managing to do so without stirring up Maggie. A relieved sigh escaped his lips, while he walked on his wobbly legs, looking for Richie and Mike. But they weren’t in the living room anymore. He looked through the window and, sure enough, Richie’s car wasn’t there anymore. They must have taken it to go there, where Mike was supposed to be interviewed by Sheriff Bowers. Eddie grimaced, hoping that nothing bad would happen to them.</p><p>He sat on a nearby chair, too exhausted to stay up for long, taking a deep breath. Closing his eyes, he managed to put the pieces of his puzzling memory together, step by step. The journalist started to question his well-being and his situation and Eddie… Eddie just dropped. These doubts, Eddie was experiencing them, constantly. He was scared of being too much to handle for Richie and his parents, that they would get tired of him needing help all the damn time and that he could do so much better if he only <em>tried. </em></p><p>But Eddie did his best, right? He already did his best with what he had and… and Richie loved him, no matter what. That’s what he told to this fucking journalist. Of course, he had to use pretend words, but Eddie heard the truth behind his slightly altered speech. That Richie loved him and didn’t care that he was the way he was. That it didn’t make him less.</p><p>Eddie wasn’t unworthy of love. He gripped on this thought as much as possible, trying to push back the voices that wanted him to self-doubt. His mom’s voice, his ex-therapist’s voice, repeating him again and again that he was being bad and needed to do better. That he had to become a good boy, because that was the only thing he was able to achieve, the person that he should aspire to be. A good, weak, submissive little boy, obeying to his mommy’s every word, accepting everything that she would do to him, no matter what.</p><p>Eddie shivered, hugging himself tightly. He felt awful. His guts seemed all scrambled up, a pain that he couldn’t get rid of. It felt like he wanted to throw up, but when he reached the toilet bowl and tried to get it out, nothing happened. He was just sweating even more, which was making things worse. He was stinking, and his skin was getting itchy. Eddie needed a shower.</p><p>He climbed the stairs laboriously, swaying on his feet, out of breath when he arrived upstairs. He was wheezing so much that he wondered if he needed his inhaler or if he would be able to control his breathing on his own. No, he didn’t need it. He never needed it. He never needed anything coming from his fucking mom. She… She hurt him. She abused him. He didn’t want her back. He didn’t love her. He… He didn’t…</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, chasing this thought that he was definitely too uncomfortable with to face right now. First, a shower. He <em> definitely  </em>needed a shower. He stopped on his way to the bathroom to grab his pajamas, managing to feel proud of himself for not forgetting it this time. He could almost hear Richie tell him that, as tiny as a step it could feel, it was still something worth celebrating. That he, his dear Eddie Spaghetti, was awesome. Eddie giggled at the thought. Or maybe would he have called him his tiny angry gremlin? Richie could be wild, when it came to nicknames…</p><p>As much as Eddie protested whenever Richie used one of them, he truly loved every single one of the dorky nicknames Richie used for him. Yeah, even Eddie Spaghettits, as stupid as it was… As long as it was Richie calling him that, he didn’t really mind. Every one of his nicknames made him feel special. Loved. Richie was the only one who called him “Eds” or “Eddie Spaghetti” or his “tiny angry gremlin” and Eddie always reacted in some way, pretending to be offended or annoyed when, really, it made him feel all fuzzy inside.</p><p>It made him think that he didn’t really have a nickname for Richie. Well, truth to be told, Richie was already a nickname, but should he try to find a pet name for him? How would he react if he called him babe? Eddie blushed at the thought. Too much, too soon. Probably. Babe… Eddie bit back a laugh at the idea. No, he couldn’t get himself to type that on his lightwriter or sign it, it would be so weird. He… Maybe he could start with a simple “hon” or “love”? Or even “Rich”? He liked Rich. It felt soft in his mouth. Maybe he could actually get himself to say it out loud? Eddie would have to try that...</p><p>Deep in his thoughts, Eddie entered the bathroom, letting out a soft whine. Did they leave the window open this morning? Probably. It was so cold in here! What a terrible idea… What if he got sick again? Eddie wasn’t ready to handle that so soon, not after the last time…</p><p>Eddie shivered, putting aside his pajamas, trying to warm himself up. He felt so tired… He took off his shirt successfully, but gave up on his pants, his hands struggling with the zipper. He even managed to jam the damn thing, groaning and trying to fix it, to no avail. A long sigh escaped his lips, and he rested his elbows on the sink, hiding his face in his hands. He was so, so exhausted… And he couldn’t even undress himself on his own. He had to ask Maggie for help and… and fuck, he didn’t want to. He shouldn’t have to. He…</p><p>Eddie whined, letting out a weak sob. He wanted to be with Mike and Richie. Why did they leave him behind? Reasonably, he knew that they couldn’t wait on him and that Richie probably feared that he wouldn’t be able to handle Sheriff Bowers and his temper. And he would be right, given Eddie’s current state of mind, but… but… but he wanted to be with them. He wanted to be with them and not in this cold as fuck bathroom, unable to take off his pants, stuck there. Fuck, fuck, fuck.</p><p>“Need a hand, retard?”</p><p>Eddie raised his head up, in a quick motion. He didn’t have the time to react or to realize what was happening. One second, just one second and everything… everything became infinitely worse. A cold feeling striking his left cheek. The taste of blood in his mouth. The pain, so violent that he wasn’t even sure he could feel it anymore.</p><p>Right behind him, reflecting in the bathroom’s mirror, he was standing there, covered in blood (Eddie’s blood? He didn’t know), a wicked grin on his lips. Eddie’s thoughts started to make sense of the unbelievable situation, and he whimpered, a painful gurgle escaping his throat, blood trickling down the left side of his face.</p><p>A switchblade, piercing his cheek as easily as if it was butter. And Henry Bowers. Henry Bowers was there. And he was about to kill him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, yeah, I definitely planned on the bathroom scene to happen at some point, but not so soon and not like that... Guess I was influenced by a pretty dark mood, so, ahem, sorry folks xD. </p><p>Eddie was able to hold it together most of the interview, but he couldn't handle it anymore at the end. The reporter's words hit too close to home, to the self-doubt he's constantly experiencing. So, that was probably one of his most violent regressive episodes and he only got out of it mostly unscathed because Richie, Mike and Maggie acted together, managing to calm him down and prevent him from hurting himself too much. </p><p>He was still recovering from it when the incident with Bowers happened, so... yeah. You'll have to wait to see how it goes x). </p><p>Thank you for still being here, after all this time! Don't hesitate to comment and/or leave kudos, I'd love to know what you thought about this chapter! You can also subscribe to this story and this series if you wish to do so.</p><p>Take care, have a good day and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay c:. Welcome to the 22nd chapter of this fanfic! The story really didn't turn out how I thought it would, so I'm wondering what will happen next, as much as you do xD.</p><p>Thank you all for your support and your kind words. I'm still able to write and motivate myself thanks to you all, you're the best! </p><p>With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for graphic content<br/>TW for emetophobia<br/>TW for self-harm</p><p>I think that's all. The chapter is pretty intense, so keep that in mind. Don't hesitate to let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In any other circumstance, Richie would never have left Eddie behind. Not when he was having a regressive episode. Not when he needed him so obviously. Richie always stayed by his side when Eddie was distressed. He made sure that his partner would find the rest he needed, while providing him constant reassurance that he was there for him and wouldn't give up on him, no matter what.</p><p>After such a violent meltdown, Richie wanted nothing more than to let Eddie rest on his knees and watch over him while he was sleeping, making sure that he was okay and that he wasn't having any nightmare. But this time, he didn't. This time, Richie had been forced to leave, because he had something important to do. Because Mike needed him and he couldn't give up on his friend, especially not in a situation like the one they were going through.</p><p>Richie knew that he didn't have a choice and that Eddie was safe with his mom, but he was still nervous and felt incredibly guilty, driving Mike to the police station and biting on his nails here and there. Mike tried to calm him down, putting his hand on his shoulder:</p><p>"Richie, it's okay, I can take it from here. You can go back to Eddie and..."</p><p>"No." Richie's tone was inflexible. "You're not going there on your own. You don't know what might happen. You have no idea what Sheriff Bowers might do to you."</p><p>Mike bit his bottom lip, taking back his hand, drumming nervously on his right leg with his fingers. He was visibly displeased by the idea that he was forcing his two friends apart, and Richie felt even more guilty at the thought. Mike truly didn't realize how important he was for both of them. Richie was pretty sure that if Eddie had been able to communicate, he would have told them both to go without him, as much as he wanted to be with them to support Mike.</p><p>As much as Richie hated leaving Eddie behind when he was in such a state, he couldn't forgive himself if he let Mike face it all alone. He could perfectly picture in his mind what his friend might go through, the kind of fucked up stuff Henry Bowers' father could pull off to make sure that his son would not be incriminated. Mike was an easy target, too good for this world, someone they were already prejudiced against without even giving him much than a glance.</p><p>Mike would end up in a cell and, Richie was sure of it, he wouldn't even feel resentful towards him for giving up on him in such a critical moment. He would have this soft smile that he always had, saying that it was okay when it was certainly not, worrying about his friends rather than his own well-being. Fuck, they really needed to make him realize his worth…</p><p>No, Richie couldn't let that happen. He'll stay with Mike to make sure they weren't trying to bullshit him and that he would be interviewed fairly. He was a witness, not a suspect, not the culprit. For fuck's sake, why would he have burned the library while he was still in there? It made no fucking sense!</p><p>"Eddie's going to be okay." Richie took a deep breath, trying to relax, only managing to do it slightly. "He's tough. And Mom is there to keep an eye on him and help him if he's still regressed after his nap. He has a whole support system, and I'm not the only person he can rely on. We're all there for him whenever we can."</p><p>Richie just needed to trust them all. It was still pretty hard for him to do, even though he clearly progressed. Eddie was his partner, his heart, and the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Richie wanted him to be the happiest man in the world and be there for him as much as possible, whether because Eddie needed him or because they wanted to spend time together.</p><p>But he wasn't the only one there for Eddie. His parents were there too, Mike, the rest of the Losers club, despite the distance… Even Liz, although they might need to meet a few times again to feel completely at ease with one another. Heck, Richie was almost sure that he could even count on Greta Keene if it was really necessary. Not that it would be his first choice, given how much they disliked each other.</p><p>Eddie was well surrounded. And he was also strong and able to do so many things on his own. He didn't need Richie to constantly watch over him, like the Mother Hen that he always had been. Everything would be fine. They were going to go to the police station, giving their statement and then, they'll be back in no time. Richie would give Eddie one of his tender and tight hugs, and they'd lay down on the couch to watch one of those western movies that Eddie loved so much. Yeah, everything would be okay…</p><p>And here they were. Richie stopped his car, giving a nervous glance at the police station, before looking at Mike. His friend was trying to put on a relaxed face, but it was obvious that he was definitely anxious. Richie put his hand on Mike's, squeezing it gently:</p><p>"Hey, I'm with you. I'll stay with you, no matter what. You did nothing wrong, you know that?"</p><p>Mike nodded, and Richie smiled reassuringly:</p><p>"Good. So, you're coming here as a witness and a victim, nothing else. You'll give your statement, and they'll have to let you go. That's it."</p><p>"I'm not sure that it'll be very useful. I didn't see anything or anyone, I only heard some glass breaking."</p><p>"It doesn't have to be decisive, just get straight to the point and then we'll let them do their job if they're inclined to do so. Besides, we already know who did it, and I'm expecting Eddie's interview to turn the tables in some way. People are going to talk about it. It's going to be a mess, and we need it to be."</p><p>"Yeah. Yeah, you're right..."</p><p>Mike took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He mumbled something quickly, seemingly praying. Richie let him do so, tapping on his wheel with one hand, using the other one to squeeze Mike's gently. Mike opened his eyes, offering a contrite smile to Richie:</p><p>"Sorry. It just helps me to feel calmer."</p><p>"Hey, no judging from me, dude! You could pray to all the fucking gods on this earth, and I'll let you do. As long as one of them is kind enough to give us a little nudge in the right direction, I'm not complaining."</p><p>Richie smiled back and was the first to leave the car, stretching his body. It was going to be fine. Everything was going to be fine. Mike on his trail, he entered the police station, trying to ignore the way his organs twisted painfully. He had never been at ease with any kind of authority figure, and the fact that Mike was the one threatened made him even more nervous. He just wanted the best for his friends, family, and partner, why did everything and everyone seem determined to make them suffer?</p><p>Richie pulled off his most polite smile to the cop working at the reception desk:</p><p>"Hello. Hmm… I'm Richard Tozier and here's my friend Michael Hanlon. We were supposed to meet with Sheriff Bowers regarding the incident at the library..."</p><p>The cop ruffled through her papers, before looking up to them:</p><p>"Sheriff Bowers isn't there at the moment. I'll take your deposition here."</p><p>Richie raised an eyebrow, confused and surprised. Sheriff Bowers, not there? He would have thought that the guy would be so eager to pin the crime on Mike that he'd stay at the station the whole day to do so. Apparently, it wasn't the case. Lucky them! Richie smiled at Mike, who smiled back weakly, still nervous.</p><p>He doubted that it was very ethical for them to give their statement in a very public setting and not in the privacy of an office, but Richie wasn't going to complain. Not if they could get this over with and be left on their own afterward.</p><p>Mike talked about what happened concisely, keeping his cool despite describing an event that definitely tormented him. He didn't say much about the fire itself, mostly describing what he heard and did. The cop nodded and typed his statement, before she let them know her thoughts:</p><p>"Yup, it seems to be consistent with our investigation. The fire was definitely caused by an object thrown from the outside, which means that you would have had to provoke the fire, get in, and then get out, if you were really guilty. You don't seem to have a motive, and this event actually cost you your job, so you didn't win anything from that."</p><p>"So… We can go?"</p><p>Richie was slightly grimacing, fearing that she might tell them to wait for Sheriff Bowers's return or to get more details from Mike. He could see clearly that his friend wanted nothing more than to get out of here and try to bury the traumatic thoughts that were currently plaguing his mind.</p><p>"Yeah, you're free to go. Leave a phone number if we need to contact you and stay around until we close this case. It shouldn't be too long, it's probably just a stupid kid who wanted to reproduce something they saw on TV."</p><p>Totally, that was absolutely something like that. Any kid in Derry could just decide to burn down the library. It couldn't be the Sheriff's son, despite his violent tendencies and the number of times he seemed to be around whenever there was trouble. No, Henry Bowers was completely innocent, come on! Richie bit his cheek to keep himself from being snarky, dragging Mike outside of the police station.</p><p>They sat in Richie's car, and both of them let out a long and relieved sigh.</p><p>"So, uh, it wasn't so bad after all. Sometimes, things are just going fine, believe it or not."</p><p>Mike chuckled at Richie's words, wiping his face with his hands:</p><p>"Geez, I'm sweating so much, I thought I was going to have a panic attack there. Was it noticeable?"</p><p>"Nah, not if you're not speaking "Mike Hanlon's body language" fluently, like I do. You did well. We can leave that behind."</p><p>"Yeah..."</p><p>Mike fiddled with his seatbelt, while Richie was turning on the engine. He finally asked, with an embarrassed voice:</p><p>"Hey, uh, can we go to the library? I… I need to see it. And to fully accept what happened."</p><p>Richie could have bet that Mike was thinking that he was asking too much of him. Almost immediately, his friend added, glancing at him nervously:</p><p>"Actually, you can just drop me there. Or… Or I'll walk to it, it's not too far. You should go back to Eddie and tell him that I'm fine. I..."</p><p>Richie poked Mike's cheek softly, interrupting him in his rambling:</p><p>"Hey, Mike, it's fine. I'm driving you there, you'll take your time, and then we'll go back home and celebrate that. I told you, Eddie's okay. Mom's there with him. I'm sure he'll chew my ear off if I came back without you."</p><p>Putting his hand over his forehead, Richie added with a dramatic tone:</p><p>"He might even make me sleep on the couch, can you imagine? Because you weren't there! The tragedy!"</p><p>Richie let out an exaggerated wail, and Mike laughed, looking less nervous. Richie calmed down, smiling peacefully to his friend:</p><p>"So, you don't have a choice. I'm coming with you, and that's final."</p><p>"Okay, fine. I won't let you handle Eddie's terrible wrath. Promise."</p><p>Richie chuckled, driving them both to the library, or what was left of it anyway. Mike was looking through the window, silent during most of the journey, until he finally said:</p><p>"Do you want me to be there this weekend?"</p><p>"Uh?"</p><p>"You know… When you'll tell your parents about Eddie and you."</p><p>Richie's leg jerked at Mike's words, and he braked quite brutally, swearing while doing so. He took a deep breath and kept on driving, chewing on his bottom lip:</p><p>"I almost forgot about that. Fuck… uh. No, you don't have to. If it gets ugly, I don't want you to be caught in the middle of this shit. I..."</p><p>Mike put his hand on Richie's shoulder, giving him a supportive squeeze:</p><p>"I'll stay close. If things turn sour, give me a call and I'll come to get you both. You can stay with me as long as needed. Or even at Auntie's house, if Eddie is more at ease with a place he's already familiar with. I'm sure she won't mind."</p><p>Richie felt his throat closing up. Knowing that he wasn't alone and that his friends were supporting him meant the world to him. But having to rely on them in this case would mean that his parents rejected them for their sexuality and… and Richie didn't want that to happen. He couldn't bear the idea of it. Richie could already feel the tears that wanted to roll down his cheeks, just thinking about that. He shook his head, trying to remain calm.</p><p>"T… Thanks, Mike. I.. It means a lot. Really."</p><p>Mike was about to add something, but he barely had the time to let a single sound out before he found himself silent. They arrived at the library. Parking the car, Richie waited for Mike to decide to come out of the vehicle, if he wanted to. There was something unnerving about his haunted gaze, his frightened expression, so different from the serene Mike Richie was used to. He wasn't going to give up on him. He'd never give up on him.</p><p>"We can just go if you..."</p><p>"It's fine."</p><p>Mike clenched his fists, inhaled deeply, and got out of the car. Richie followed him closely, while he was walking towards the burned building, what was left of his workplace. Richie knew how much Mike loved it here, even as a kid. He was probably one of the most prolific readers of Derry, Ben following close. The library was his refuge, his sanctuary, and he made it safe and agreeable for anyone who might enter it. He fought hard for that, for every penny they were willing to give him, so that he would be able to make his patrons happy. He fought so hard…</p><p>Richie put his arm around Mike's shoulder, letting him know that he was there and that he wasn't alone to face this. Mike thanked him shortly, visibly having trouble expressing himself. No doubt that he was currently engulfed in his memories, thinking back to his parents as well as what happened in the library.</p><p>"It's only a building, Mike. You're alive, and no one was hurt. We're going to leave Derry together, and you'll work in an even better library, I'm sure of that. Who knows, you might even meet a cute librarian on the way..."</p><p>Mike chuckled, tearing up as well. He took a deep breath, wiping his face in a swift motion:</p><p>"That wouldn't be very professional, dating someone at my workplace..."</p><p>"Hey, as long as you're both consenting, I'm not going to complain. I would have said something if you tried to seduce Eddie, though. He's MY tiny angry gremlin."</p><p>Mike laughed once again, and Richie did as well. Taking a few steps towards the library, he stopped right behind the police tape, gripping it with his fingers. Richie stayed behind, ready to get closer if needed.</p><p>"I… I really had a good time there. It was stressful and exhausting, but I dreamed of working here, and I finally did. I was so happy that I got to work with Eddie and make this library a place for people to meet and share their passions. It was… It was quite an adventure. So, uh… Thanks, I guess. Thanks for letting me take care of you."</p><p>Mike waved clumsily at the library, managing to smile, before he cracked and started to sob. Richie approached him, hugging his friend tightly, while Mike was openly crying against him. He couldn't imagine what his friend was feeling right now. Grief, fear, anger, frustration, so many emotions that he was battling with and that he couldn't just bottle up. Richie didn't regret being there for him. Mike needed a shoulder to cry on, and Richie was honored to be that for his friend.</p><p>After a few minutes, Mike finally took a step back, snorting and wiping his tears away:</p><p>"Sorry for that, Richie. I… I'm fine. Just tired."</p><p>"Yeah, I bet. Let's go home, okay? And don't apologize. You obviously needed it, and I'm used to snot and other gross stuff. Eddie might have screamed a little, though. Just a bit."</p><p>Mike chuckled, sitting on the car seat and fastening his seatbelt.</p><p>"Probably. But he'd still have made sure that I was okay, regardless. That's how he is."</p><p>"Yeah. That's my Eddie Spaghetti right there."</p><p>Caring even when he was feeling downright awful. Always there, no matter what. Richie loved him so much. He couldn't wait to come home and reassure him. He was probably terribly worried about Mike and himself. Richie hoped that his mom managed to distract him a little bit, so that he wouldn't be too worked up. Eddie was sensitive, especially when he just experienced one of his episodes…<br/>
 <br/>
Richie was driving carefully, his window rolled down, smiling when he got close to his house. Suddenly, he heard a loud shriek, a voice that he could only recognize as his mom's, and he went white, barely managing to park the car. He ran out of it, slamming the entrance door open, calling for his mom and Eddie. They weren't downstairs, they… they…</p><p>Richie froze up when he came up the stairs to a scene he would never be able to forget. Eddie… Eddie was sitting on the floor, right next to the bathroom, his face and bare chest covered with blood. Blood dripping from his mouth, from the awful cut on his left cheek. Blood, blood everywhere. While he was climbing up the stairs, Richie thought he heard him whimpering, but Eddie was… laughing.</p><p>He was laughing while Richie's mom was trying to stop the bleeding. His eyes were wide open, filled with terror, and his right arm was rigid, his fingers clutching the air as if he was holding something invisible to the naked eye. And he was hysterical, laughing, laughing, laughing, unable to stop himself, unable to do anything else.</p><p>"E… Eddie?"</p><p>Richie could barely stand on his legs. He got closer to Eddie and noticed something in the bathroom. An arm. It was Bowers'. He was lying down on the floor, his switchblade lodged into his torso. He seemed unconscious, his breathing ragged, his body twitching here and there. Did he… Did Eddie…?</p><p>Richie started to gag audibly. He tried to stop himself, but he found himself throwing up, his guts twitching, his mind reeling. What the fuck… What the fuck just happened? What… Eddie… Why?</p><p>Mike was the calmest of them all, despite how obviously frightened he was.</p><p>"Maggie, did you… did you call 911?"</p><p>"Yes!" She answered in a scream, crying and snorting, trying to keep Eddie from bleeding too much. Eddie, who was still… laughing. Fuck. "It's my fault, I fell asleep, I should have..."</p><p>"Maggie, it's not your fault. Breathe. Eddie needs us right now."</p><p>Richie had fallen on his knees, looking at Eddie, not daring to touch him. He was whispering his name, again and again, but Eddie was completely out of it, gurgling, spitting blood and cackling hysterically. Mike took upon himself to clean the mess Richie did, before Eddie might get triggered even more by the foul smell. He couldn't understand how he held it together, when the whole world just seemed to collapse. He just knew he needed to be strong.</p><p>He knelt down in front of Eddie, trying to capture his wandering and terrified gaze:</p><p>"Eddie, can you hear me? It's Mike. I'm okay. Everything's okay. An ambulance is going to arrive, and your cheek's gonna get treated at the nearest hospital. You..."</p><p>Eddie's entire body convulsed, his head hitting the wall before any of them could prevent it from happening. He gurgled and coughed, before he started to laugh once again, unable to stop. He was crying, tears mixed with blood, wheezing, shaking, his fingers still trying to grip what Mike guessed might have been the handle of the knife he planted in Bowers' chest. Did he… Did he pull it out from his own cheek? Jesus…</p><p>Mike tried to calm him down, helped by Maggie and, soon enough, Richie too, who squeezed Eddie's left hand, saying loudly enough so that he would be able to hear him despite his hysterical laughter:</p><p>"I'm here, Eds. I'm here, and I'm not leaving you. I'm here."</p><p>He was still repeating those words when the ambulance finally arrived, the paramedics trying to strap him and take him away. But Eddie was struggling, screaming his head off, so much that Richie was getting worried that he might choke on his own blood. He gave himself a slap, trying to get a grip. Eddie needed him.</p><p>"He's autistic and nonverbal, I have to stay with him. Eddie..."</p><p>Richie caressed his hand, trying to get his attention:</p><p>"I'm coming with you. I'm holding your hand. You and me, together. You and me, Eddie Spaghetti."</p><p>The nickname seemed to do the trick. Eddie still wasn't calm, but he didn't struggle as much, and the paramedics were able to take care of him, Richie following them. Mike assured him that he was warning his father and driving his mom to the hospital. Okay. Okay. Richie could focus on Eddie and Eddie only. He couldn't care less that they were also handling Bowers, bringing him to the hospital as well. He was almost hoping that he would die, but he knew how much Eddie would be distraught if that happened. Eddie couldn't handle it, even if it was to defend himself. His soul was too gentle to bear such a weight…</p><p>Richie didn't leave Eddie's side, climbing in the ambulance with him. His laugh has quieted down, Eddie giggling here and there, his gaze seeming so far away that Richie had absolutely no idea how much he was aware of the situation and what was happening to him. One of the paramedics smiled reassuringly to Richie, while the others were focusing their efforts on Eddie:</p><p>"He's in the best hands. We're taking care of him."</p><p>"Why… Why is he laughing like that? Is he… Is he gonna be okay?"</p><p>Richie never heard him laugh like that. It wasn't like when he found his jokes hilarious. It seemed… desperate. As if The Joker himself used his gas on him, forcing him to laugh until he wouldn't even be able to think or breathe…</p><p>"People react to painful and traumatic events in many different ways. They might scream, cry, chatter until their throat hurts, or they might laugh. You said he was autistic and nonverbal, right?"</p><p>Richie nodded, clutching Eddie's hand as best as he could. He couldn't let go of it, or Eddie was getting even more hysterical. Eddie needed him. He needed to know that Richie was there.</p><p>"He's probably unable to express his thoughts at the moment, so his mind is resorting to using his rawest emotions to get it all out. Doesn't matter if they're "appropriate", as long as it's out. He's..."</p><p>"Eddie's getting too agitated, it's putting too much pressure on his wound. I have to sedate him."</p><p>As soon as the words were out of the paramedic's mouth, Eddie shrieked. He convulsed, screaming, screaming, fighting against the paramedic's grip like he was trying to escape death itself. Richie felt like he was going to throw up once again. He never saw him like that, so terrified, so lost, so frantic… A foul odor invaded Richie's senses, letting him know that Eddie just wet himself in his panic. He gripped Eddie's hand, squeezing so tightly that it was probably hurting him right now.</p><p>Eddie looked at him, whimpering, giggling, snorting, gurgling, his face still awfully bloodied. He was begging for help, begging for Richie to do something. But Richie couldn't do anything, except trying to reassure him:</p><p>"Eds, you need to let them sedate you. I'm not leaving your side. You… You'll fall asleep looking at me, and you'll wake up to see me again. I'm not leaving you. I swear. I swear on my fucking life. Eddie, please… Please, you need to relax."</p><p>Richie repeated those words, again and again, and Eddie progressively calmed down, while the paramedics were sedating him. His eyelids fluttered, and he was out like a light before Richie even had the time to count up to five. Richie had to let go of his hand, allowing the staff to work on him without him hindering them, but he didn't stop looking at Eddie's face while they were cleaning him up. Eddie… His Eddie… How the fuck…?</p><p>Richie couldn't believe it. When he left, Eddie was safe. Eddie was fucking safe. Mike and he should have come home and seen him watching TV, reading one of his comic books, or playing chess with Maggie. Not… Not bleeding and laughing as if he heard the best joke ever uttered. He… He should have… He didn't know. He didn't fucking know!</p><p>When they arrived, Richie followed closely. He was prepared to argue to stay by Eddie's side, but they seemed to understand how urgent it was for their patient to have someone familiar close in case he woke up. Richie didn't know if his mom and Mike arrived, if his father was on his way, but he couldn't care less. He could only think about Eddie, Eddie's bloodied face, Eddie's hysterical laughter, his whimpers, his screams, how lost and terrified he was… Fuck, fuck, fuck!</p><p>It should have been him. Eddie did nothing wrong. Richie… Richie should have been the one who… But he couldn't think like that right now. It was useless. Eddie needed him strong. He needed to see him smiling when he'll wake up, to know that he could count on Richie. That he wasn't alone.</p><p>It was going to be okay. They were gonna stitch up his cheek, and Eddie will be good as new. It was gonna be fine… Right? Right?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well... At least, Eddie's in good hands, right now. He's in shock and he's terrified by what happened, but also of the fact that he's in a hospital and that they sedated him, because the last time it happened, he just lost his mother and was never able to see her again. So yeah, pretty rough. Richie's there for him and his whole family will join soon, Mike included.</p><p>I'll write in more details about what happened with Henry Bowers in the next chapter. In the meantime, you'll just have to wait for it x).</p><p>Thank you for your support. Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos, to let me know what you thought about this chapter. I'm really curious to get your thoughts on this quite intense chapter, I might say x). You can also subscribe to the story and series if needed.</p><p>Thanks again! Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone! Welcome to the 23rd chapter of this fanfic! I'm relieved I manage to finish it before having to leave my flat for the day, I would have been so frustrated if I had to put it away and come back to it later... But I didn't, thankfully.</p><p>Thank you all for your support and your kind words! I hope you'll like this chapter. It'll be less intense than the previous one, but it still is, though. </p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for graphic content<br/>TW for r-slur<br/>TW for ableism<br/>TW for mention of sexual violence<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for homophobia<br/>TW for homophobic slurs<br/>TW for mention of homophobic violence<br/>TW for mention of torture<br/>TW for fatphobic language</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It stung. That was the first feeling Eddie experienced, opening his eyes and waking up after a few hours or so. His whole body felt heavy and clumsy, and his mind was drowsy as well, leaving him pretty confused. He didn’t recognize his surroundings, but there was definitely something familiar. Someone.</p><p>He was holding his hand. Richie was holding his hand, slumped over the bed, hair messy, and glasses crooked. He was catching up some sleep, breathing slowly, eyebrows slightly furrowed. Seeing him there, seeing him like that, it helped Eddie to feel safe. Loved. He took a deep breath, resting his head against his propped up pillow. He needed to make some sense of what happened to him. His thoughts were a mess, and he didn’t remember how he ended up here. Or what was even <em>here, </em>to be honest.</p><p>Eddie hardly managed to raise his free hand, about to scratch his cheek that was stinging so much. His fingers met a soft and weird texture, prompting him to let out a little yelp of surprise. Loud enough to stir Richie up, his partner raising his head, rubbing his eyes and adjusting his glasses. He squeezed Eddie’s hand, offering him a big smile:</p><p>“Hey, cutie. You’re awake.”</p><p>Eddie nodded slowly, looking at Richie. His cheeks were covered with trails of dried tears, and his eyes seemed blotchy. Eddie stopped trying to touch his own skin and raised his hand towards Richie’s face, attempting to cup it gently. His arm felt so, so heavy… He had to let it drop after a few seconds, letting out a tired sigh. He was so, so exhausted. But he didn’t feel like going back to sleep. Not when Richie was there with him.</p><p>“Mom and Dad are at the cafeteria, they’re looking for something decent to eat and drink. Mike is back at home, he went there to look for your teddy bear. ‘Thought you might like to have it. And I’m here. I promised that I’d be there when you woke up, and here I am.”</p><p>That’s when things started to come back to Eddie. His ride in the ambulance, the paramedics who sedated him, Richie’s promise… But before that, there was… there was… Eddie let out a frustrated grunt, trying so hard to jog his memory and order the mess in his mind. There was one thing that he was sure of, at least. He was in a hospital. And he didn’t want to be.</p><p>Eddie whined anxiously, gripping Richie’s hand. His eyes darted around, trying to look for a mean to express himself more clearly, his gaze landing on his lightwriter, so close and so far at the same time. He moaned needily, and Richie got the message, grabbing the object and putting it delicately on Eddie’s lap.</p><p>“Mike’s the one who thought to take it when he left home with my mom. We were both a mess, but Mike… Mike was awesome.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, relieved to have his lightwriter to talk. He wasn’t even sure he’d be able to use a pen right now, and his hands felt too clumsy for him to express himself using ASL. Not that he knew enough of it to hold more than a basic conversation, anyway… Carefully, he started to type, too slow for his own liking:</p><p>“<em>I don’t want to be here.” </em></p><p>Richie smiled tightly, squeezing Eddie’s hand. Eddie couldn’t help, but start to get awfully nervous. It was like his mind was desperately trying to hide something from him, and Eddie didn’t like the feeling. It was there, right there, but he couldn’t reach it. He couldn’t! Eddie whined loudly, using his free hand to hit his leg. Richie stopped him from doing so, shushing him gently:</p><p>“Hey, hey, it’s gonna be okay, Eddie, I swear. At worst, they might make you stay for the night, to make sure you’re not concussed or something, but I’ll stay there. I won’t let you alone. I won’t let them drug you again. They stitched up your cheek, there’s no need to sedate you anymore. You’re not alone, Eds.”</p><p>He didn’t want to be there. Eddie hated hospitals and the staff there. It reminded him of his mother and how he spent so much of his time here, as a child and a teenager, all for nothing. And he also remembered his mom’s death and how he ended up in this fucking hospital for so long, waking up panicked and confused only to be put back to sleep, so that he wouldn’t be a bother. None of them cared. They just wanted him quiet and peaceful, so that they could move on with their day.</p><p>“<em>Don’t leave me.” </em></p><p>“I won’t, Eds. I won’t. I promised I’d be there when you woke up and I didn’t lie, did I? I was there. And I’ll still be. I swear.”</p><p>Eddie nodded slowly, attempting to smile, without much success. His face felt… He didn’t really know. His left cheek was definitely stinging, and he was dying to scratch it. But there was gauze over it, and Eddie knew that he wasn’t supposed to take it off. He sighed, letting Richie know with a concerned expression:</p><p>“<em>I don’t remember what happened. I don’t know if it’s a good thing. </em>”</p><p>Richie grimaced. He squeezed Eddie’s hand, looking at him with a gentle gaze, full of love and worry:</p><p>“Do you want me to give you the rundown? I’m not sure you’re going to like it...”</p><p>Eddie wasn’t sure either. He attempted to write something, but his hands fell back on his bed, his eyelids fluttering. He moaned tiredly, trying to fight sleep and to remain awake, with Richie by his side. Richie caressed his right cheek, a soft smile on his lips:</p><p>“Sleep tight, Eddie. Don’t worry, I’m not leaving you. I’ll keep you safe.”</p><p>Right when he was closing his eyes, giving up his pointless fight, he heard Richie’s voice in his ear, a gentle whisper that warmed his heart and chased his fears away:</p><p>“I love you, Eddie Spaghetti.”</p><p>*</p><p>He was stabbed. Stabbed. Stabbed. Eddie’s thoughts were obsessed with this word, this detail, the feeling of Henry Bowers’ knife piercing his cheek. He let out a frightened moan, the blade hurting him even more while his face was moving and frowning despite himself. His jaw was slack open, slightly going to the side in a perpetual grimace, while his mind was trying to accept the unacceptable. He was stabbed. He was fucking stabbed!</p><p>Henry Bowers put his hands on Eddie’s shoulders, turning him forcibly towards himself. Eddie was able to see how bloodied the man was, blood that wasn’t belonging to any of them… He moaned weakly, his whole body shaking, his legs about to give up under his weight. And Bowers was… laughing. He caressed Eddie’s cheek, the one that wasn’t stabbed, giving him a tap slightly brutal, as if they were back in school, Henry bullying him during recess to keep himself entertained. Eddie yelped, blood dripping from his mouth and trickling down his naked chest. He was going to die… He was… He was…</p><p>“My old man told me that I was fucking crazy and that he was going to have me committed. Because of you. Because you couldn’t keep your fucking mouth shut, and you were going to tell everything! It’s your fucking fault!”</p><p>Henry grabbed him by the hair and yanked him up, Eddie hissing and whining from the pain. He coughed despite himself, his blood landing on Bowers’ face, who merely laughed at the scene. He couldn’t do anything… Bowers was so strong and big and Eddie… Eddie was weak and small. And stabbed. Stabbed. Stabbed.</p><p>Eddie moaned, an inarticulate plea, and Bowers pulled his hair even more, so much that Eddie was getting worried that he was going to scalp him:</p><p>“Shut up! Shut the fuck up, you fucking retard! You can’t fucking talk, you can’t fucking do anything, and you get to fucking walk free while my old man wants me committed? Why? Tell me why!”</p><p>Eddie didn’t know what to say or even attempt to. He was crying from the pain and the fear, starting to realize where all of this blood on Bowers was coming from… Bowers grinned wickedly, his face getting close to Eddie’s:</p><p>“You know what I did? I slit this fucker’s throat. He wasn’t expecting that. I slit it with the same fucking knife planted in your cheek. Then I stabbed him. Again and again. He never expected me to fight back. But I did. And now, I have nothing to lose...”</p><p>Henry let go of Eddie’s hair. Eddie managed painfully to stay on his own two feet, putting his hands on the sink behind him to support his weight. He heard quick steps climbing up the stairs, and a gurgled whine escaped his throat. The doorknob rattled, but Eddie had locked the door, and Maggie couldn’t enter. Stay out, stay out, call someone, get somewhere safe… Eddie wanted to yell all of that, but he could only moan fearfully, looking at Henry with begging eyes, while Bowers was snickering.</p><p>“What? You’re scared, retard? You don’t want me to hurt your mama? Oh wait, she’s not your mama. You killed her, right? You killed your fat whale of a mom, and now, you’re gonna get her killed too. But don’t worry, I’m gonna take good care of her. I’m gonna take good care of everyone that you love.”</p><p>Henry tapped his cheek once again, and Eddie flinched. His mind was racing, too many thoughts and feelings at the same time. He could feel himself slipping up, his brain trying to take him somewhere else, somewhere far away from this reality that he wasn’t able to accept…</p><p>It was with a demonic expression that Henry described, with a graphical language, how he was going to kill everyone that Eddie cared about. How he was going to take his sweet, sweet time with Maggie Tozier. How he was going to yank Wentworth’s teeth and make him swallow them. How he was going to burn Mike alive. And how… how…</p><p>“I’ll stab your faggot boyfriend in the eyes. And I’ll let him hear you squeal like the fucking pig that you are, while I’ll cut your faggot dick. They’re all going to die. All of them.”</p><p>Eddie didn’t know what possessed him at this moment. Something beyond his understanding, beyond his abilities. It was a matter of seconds. His right hand acted on its own volition, pulling the switchblade from his cheek in a swift motion and, before Bowers even had the time to react, Eddie stabbed him. He plunged the knife as deeply as he could in Henry Bowers’ chest, his hand clenching around the handle, blood pouring down his face.</p><p>Bowers was looking at him quietly, as if he couldn’t believe what just happened. He took a step back, Eddie letting go of the knife, his fingers twitching and attempting to close itself around the handle that wasn’t there anymore. The man slipped on the tiles, falling on his back, a low groan making its way out of his throat.</p><p>Eddie couldn’t stop looking at him. At the knife lodged in his chest. The knife he planted in his body. Oh god, he killed him… He just killed him… he…</p><p>Eddie didn’t remember opening the door, but he did. He grimaced while Maggie was cupping his face, screaming at the sight. He slipped on the floor, his legs unable to carry his weight any longer. Maggie’s hands were covered in blood. <em> His </em> blood.</p><p>The thought put a halt to what remained of his sanity at the moment and Eddie… Eddie laughed. Laughed. Laughed. Laughed.</p><p>He killed Bowers. He killed Henry Bowers, and he was going to die now. He… he…</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie’s eyes shot open, a scream escaping his throat. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt! He felt arms hugging him tightly, a soft whisper in his ear, fingers caressing his skin, his hair oh so gently. Eddie went silent immediately, resting his head against Richie, breathing painfully, sobs shaking his body. He remembered. He remembered and he didn’t want to. What he did… What he just did…</p><p>His brain kept jumping between the past and the present, unable to focus on a single moment in particular. He could see Bowers in front of him, the expression on his face when he realized that Eddie stabbed him, how he just… fell down. Like a disarticulated puppet. He could hear his words filled with his hatred, feel his hand on his cheek, and the cold stinging blade lodged in his skin, the… the…</p><p>A gentle melody in his ear. Richie was singing <em> their </em> song, Space Oddity, doing his best to ground Eddie in the present moment, chase away the fears, the sobs, and the awful memories plaguing him. Eddie was unable to say how long he had to do so, but for now, Richie was the only thing that mattered to him.</p><p>He didn’t know if someone else was there, if they were still at the hospital, but he didn’t care. His world was made of Richie and Richie only. He gripped his clothes weakly, an anguished moan escaping his lips. He needed him. He needed him so much. And Richie was there. Just like he promised. Eddie wasn’t alone to face this. He wasn’t left behind, this time.</p><p>Richie let Eddie go, while Mike, who was next to him, handed him his plush. Eddie grabbed it, hugging it tightly against his heart. He needed it. It was the closest thing he had to his father being there at his side, consoling him and keeping the monsters under his bed away. But there were no monsters under his bed. They were all real, and one of them was probably dead. Dead. Because of him.</p><p>Eddie whined, trying in vain to get a word out, something, anything to make himself understood.</p><p>“Here, honey. Here.”</p><p>Maggie put his lightwriter on his lap, caressing his hair gently. Eddie closed his eyes briefly, appreciating the feeling. He hadn’t realized how much he needed it, Maggie’s hand on his skin, on his hair… His mother’s hand. He sighed, managing to calm himself down, focusing on his lightwriter to type out his thoughts. It was complicated. His fingers were shaking, and he couldn’t articulate himself properly. He still managed to write, looking at Richie with a tearful gaze:</p><p>“<em>Bowers dead?” </em></p><p>Richie bit his bottom lip, and Eddie started to wail. Richie shushed him quickly, caressing his right cheek to get him to focus back on reality:</p><p>“No, no, he isn’t. After what he did to you, I wish he was, but he’s not. They’re treating him and keeping him under watch. He’s not going anywhere. He’ll never hurt you again.”</p><p>He wasn’t dead. Eddie didn’t kill him. He… He wasn’t… He wasn’t a murderer. A weight was suddenly lifted up of Eddie’s shoulders, and he couldn’t help but giggle. He didn’t even know why. It wasn’t like his reactions had been exactly appropriate these last few hours, anyway… He took a deep breath, accepting progressively what happened. What he did. Bowers threatened his family. And Eddie kept them safe. He saved them. He saved them all.</p><p>Eddie opened up his arms as wide as he could, and he didn’t need to say anything for them to get the message. Soon enough, Eddie was drowning in a group hug, pressed tightly and firmly, just like he loved it. His father, his mother, his brother Mike, his partner… They were all there, hugging him, praising him, covering him with love and affection that he desperately craved after what he went through. They were safe. They were all safe.</p><p>“I’m sorry to interrupt you...”</p><p>The group hug was finished too early for Eddie’s liking, interrupted by a doctor, standing at the door. He seemed familiar to Eddie, but he couldn’t quite remember him. Nothing surprising there. Eddie had spent so much of his childhood in this very same hospital, he ought to recognize some people there…</p><p>“I need to examine Edward’s wound.”</p><p>He took a step towards him, and Eddie couldn’t prevent himself from letting out a yelp. He didn’t want him close. He didn’t like doctors, nurses, and all those who plagued his childhood and, more than that, drugged him into compliance so that he wouldn’t bother them. Richie squeezed his hand, glaring at the doctor who merely smiled, trying to be reassuring:</p><p>“I’m aware of Edward’s predicament. I already worked with autistic patients in the past, I’ll be gentle. Granted, most of them were children, I’m not going to deny it. Edward is the first autistic adult patient that I’m treating.”</p><p>He slowly and carefully walked towards them, seemingly ready to stop if Eddie made any move or sound, indicating that he didn’t want him to get closer.</p><p>“I’m just going to lift your bandage and make sure that the stitches are doing their job correctly. Then I’ll ask you a few questions to make sure that you’re doing okay and don’t need further examination. Is that okay, Edward?”</p><p>Eddie couldn’t believe it. The man was really talking to him. To him directly and not to Richie or his family, as doctors and other people usually did. He was seen. Heard. Respected. Eddie’s mouth was agape, clearly shocked by what should have been evident to him. That he could be treated humanly by a doctor and not just ignored in favor of his family, the people taking care of him.</p><p>“Son? Is everything alright?”</p><p>Wentworth said that out loud, ruffling Eddie’s hair in a gentle motion. Eddie blinked a few times, attempting to get over the shock, nodding slowly. He typed on his lightwriter, managing to smile clumsily:</p><p>“<em>I’m fine. And I’m okay with that, doctor.” </em></p><p>The man smiled back at him and got closer. Gently, he lifted up Eddie’s gauze, taking a look at the wound.</p><p>“It seems to be healing well. You’ll have to be careful and try not to put too much strain on it.”</p><p>“E… Eddie just screamed a few minutes ago, is… is it okay? He had a nightmare or something, he...”</p><p>The doctor interrupted Richie’s rambling, replacing the gauze on Eddie’s skin. Eddie shivered slightly at the feeling, not fond of the texture against his skin. It wasn’t unbearable or anything like that, just… not very comfortable.</p><p>“I didn’t see anything alarming, but it would definitely help if you could maintain a calm environment for Edward, at least for the next ten days or so. Your stitches are holding well, Edward, but they might pop if you put too much strain on it. Yelling is definitely straining them.”</p><p>Eddie whined apologetically, and the doctor shook his head:</p><p>“It’s not your fault. You went through something traumatic, and you can’t always control your reactions. It’s okay, Edward. The best thing you can do is relax and let your family take care of you. You’re in good hands.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, squeezing Richie’s hand. Yeah, he definitely was. They were all there for him. Safe. Safe because he protected them. A proud feeling engulfed his heart at the thought. After all of those years being powerless, unable to be there for those he loved, having to suffer his mother’s abuse without being able to do anything about it, Eddie finally managed to stand up for himself. No, more than that. For his family. He vanquished Henry Bowers. He stopped him from hurting those he cared about. He really did that…</p><p>“Edward?”</p><p>Eddie focused back on the situation, trying to stop himself from zoning out. It wasn’t easy to do… He felt like he was floating, slightly away from this world, not totally out, but not really there either. His cheek was itchy, and he wanted to scratch it, but he couldn’t. As a reflex, he started to slip his fingers between his lips, but someone prevented him. Richie.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Eds, the doctors told us that it would be best if you didn’t do that for the next few days. Your wound could get infected, or the stitches could pop or something.”</p><p>Eddie whined protestingly. He was now <em>dying </em> to slip his fingers between his lips, sucking on them, knowing he couldn’t. He was aware that it was dangerous, but that’s how he always relaxed, and now, he wasn’t allowed to. He didn’t know what to make of his hands, of his fingers, and his body was craving for this relief, this stim that grounded him and helped him deal with everything else.</p><p>He started to get agitated, his legs shaking, a nervous hum coming out of his tight throat. While they were all trying to figure out how to calm him down, Mike intervened, pulling out one of the Slinky he bought for Eddie at his work, giving him while smiling:</p><p>“Here, take this.”</p><p>Eddie almost instantly calmed down, looking at the colorful object. He played with it, his eyes mesmerized by the little thing, his mind briefly captured by the Slinky and how stimmy it was. It allowed him to forget for a little while what bothered him so much and to offer to his body and his brain the relief it was craving for. After a few minutes playing with the Slinky, Eddie was calm enough to answer the doctor’s questions.</p><p>He asked him a few things, waiting patiently for his answer. How old he was, when was his birthday, the president’s name, where he was living, stuff quite obvious that Eddie didn’t have any trouble to answer to.</p><p>“Alright, so you didn’t seem to have any memory problem. Your friend Richard told me that you didn’t quite remember what happened when you got stabbed. Is it still the case?</p><p>Eddie shook his head. No, he remembered clearly. Every second of it. He wasn’t sure he could forget any of it, not even after ten or twenty years. It was definitely etched in his mind, and it wasn’t going to get erased in any way. He knew it.</p><p>“<em>I remember. Don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Did it to protect my family.” </em></p><p>Richie’s hand tightened his grip on his, and Eddie smiled at him. Bowers… Bowers would have hurt him so much. He couldn’t imagine Richie blinded, having to hear his boyfriend scream until he died… Richie would have been broken. Definitely. If Bowers didn’t kill him after that, of course. Eddie shivered at the thought. Fuck… Fuck, he would have hurt them so much…</p><p>“I told the police that you needed some rest and peace of mind. They’ll interrogate you eventually, but I managed to make them wait until your wound is healed properly. I don’t think you need more stress than what you already have to handle.”</p><p>Eddie thanked him, reassured to know that he didn’t have to tell the police what happened right away. It was too close, too raw, he needed some time to get some distance and fully accept all of that. It was a lot. Truly.</p><p>“Just to be safe, we’re going to keep you for the night, make sure that you’re doing okay. Your family can stay here as well. I’ve warned the staff about your disability, and I’ll make sure they’ll treat you properly. In the meantime, you should get some rest. Remember, don’t put too much strain on your stitches. Keep your hands away from your mouth. And if you feel pain or any weird feeling that you don’t know what to make of, use this to call us out...”</p><p>The doctor showed him a button to press, Eddie nodding to show that he understood.</p><p>“And one of us will come and make sure everything’s okay. Don’t hesitate, even if you’re not sure if you’re hurting. I’ll take the time needed to check on you. Some of my autistic patients had trouble articulating what they were feeling at the time, so I work with them and their families to figure out how to help. I’ll do the same for you.”</p><p>He was so nice, so caring… Eddie never met a doctor like him, and he was so relieved. He finally remembered the time he saw him, years before. He was so young, around seven or so, scared out of his mind because his mom convinced him that he was sick like his father and that he was going to die. The man consoled him, eased his fears, even slipped a candy to him when his mother wasn’t around to notice it. He was kind back then and still nice to this day.</p><p>Eddie didn’t know if the man remembered him. Probably not, after all those years. But Eddie did, and he was thankful. It wasn’t often that doctors treated him gently and respectfully… The man gave some recommendations, letting Eddie know that a nurse would come in a few hours to help him to the bathroom and change his bandage after he showered. He knew what was going to happen. He wasn’t powerless or kept in the dark, like he used to. He was treated decently. And it was almost a miracle in itself.</p><p>He was beyond happy when the doctor left and his family sat around him, Richie the closest, holding his hand as if his life depended on it. They all did their best to distract him from the itchy feeling in his cheek, the memories of what happened with Bowers, talking to him, hugging him, and making sure that he was okay. That he knew he was loved and supported. That he wasn’t alone.</p><p>Hospitals weren’t so scary when Eddie wasn’t left on his own. When doctors were kind and took his needs into account. When his family was around. When his partner was there, showing him his love. Eddie was dying to kiss him. But it would have to wait… Until then, Eddie was content with what he had. What he could have lost, if he didn’t stand up and defended himself.</p><p>He defeated Bowers. He protected them. His family. His love.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I wanted Eddie to be in a safe environment after what he went through and to finally have a supportive and caring doctor. My hospital experiences were downright horrible, but I didn't want him to get through that after what he already handled. So he's getting some rest with his family, to accept what happened.</p><p>I hesitated to have Bowers killed, but I think it's best for him to stay alive and to face justice. I think it will help Eddie to get some closure, whether it's about his current aggression or the violence he went through all of these years because of Bowers and his friends. </p><p>Now he just needs time to heal and to get past what he went through. I think that knowing that he managed to defend himself and didn't just suffer through this awful situation help him to stay grounded. He managed to get some control and to stand up for himself. It means a lot for Eddie, who spent most of his life depending on others' whims and desires, not being able to do anything or to make any decision whatsoever.</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter! Thank you all for still being there. Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos and to subscribe if necessary. I can't wait to see what you thought of this chapter!</p><p>See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, everyone, I hope you're doing okay! Here's the 24th chapter of this fanfic, hope you'll like it c:. I really liked writing it!</p><p>Thank you all for your support. I'm so happy to know that you still like this story and my Eddie and Richie :D. It's such a pleasure to write for you all and for myself as well c:. </p><p>With that said, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for mention of emetophobia</p><p>I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was quite early in the morning when Eddie was discharged from the hospital. Richie was the one who asked that to happen, knowing that there might be curious people or reporters lurking around, waiting to see Derry’s precious little angel and how scarred he was. They lived in a small town, rumors circulated quickly. No doubt that everyone knew what happened, more or less.</p><p>Eddie was having a hard time staying awake, his eyelids fluttering, resting his head against Richie’s shoulder while his parents drove them back home. Richie was more than happy to let him do so, keeping Eddie gently from scratching his bandage or putting his fingers in his mouth. He caressed the skin, played with his hands so that Eddie would still be able to stim, even if he couldn’t do it like he usually did.</p><p>Richie couldn’t believe that they were already coming home. That everything was okay, after all of that. Eddie… Eddie was so strong, it was incredible. Richie didn’t know yet what exactly happened between him and Henry Bowers, but it must have been particularly traumatic. A knife lodged in his face… Richie couldn’t help, but feel relieved at the idea that he didn’t have to see Eddie like this. Even though his open wound, blood pouring down his face, wasn’t exactly better…</p><p>Richie would never forget what he saw that day. He dreamed about it the night before, jerking awake, so terrified that he could only look for Eddie’s presence, leaving his camp bed to join his boyfriend and make sure that he was okay. He tried not to wake him up, but Eddie stirred up, moaning sleepily and opening his arms clumsily to hug Richie. It was all that he needed and, despite his tears and how much he was shaking, Richie managed to find sleep again and actually feel rested in the morning.</p><p>Eddie seemed to have a peaceful night, more or less. He nodded sleepily when Richie asked him so, letting out a big yawn, rubbing his eyes. Eddie was definitely not a morning person, that was for sure. He seemed ready to doze off when the doctor examined him one last time before allowing them to go back home. Mike left them, assuring Richie that he would call the Losers and reassure them about Eddie’s condition, that he won’t have to worry about that, on top of everything else.</p><p>Richie was definitely grateful to his friend, who kept his cool during all of this, despite how critical the situation was. Mike was awesome. Richie promised himself to invite Mike to the restaurant of his choice and to let him order everything on the menu if he wanted to. But first, they had to go back home. Richie hoped that Eddie would handle well their return.</p><p>As brave as he was, Eddie still underwent something highly traumatic, and Richie doubted that he wouldn’t at least flinch near or in the bathroom. His father went back home yesterday to clean all the blood, but the memories were still there, that was for sure. Richie would be there for Eddie. He wouldn’t let him face that on his own.</p><p>Richie heard a light snore and chuckled, poking Eddie’s right cheek tenderly. Eddie moaned protestingly, trying to swat Richie’s hand away, letting out a groan. Richie poked him once again, grinning at his partner’s behavior:</p><p>“Come on, Eds, we’re not that far from our house. You’re gonna get extra tired if I let you sleep on our way home. And if you’re too tired, you’re gonna miss breakfast. It would be terrible, right?”</p><p>Eddie whined, but he straightened up, struggling to stay awake and not falling asleep again. He was so cute, rubbing his eyes, his head bobbing up and down and letting out small noises here and there. Richie just wanted to hug him until the end of time, a thought that he couldn’t allow himself to entertain, he knew that very well. He couldn’t let himself slip back into his old habits and take the risk to smother Eddie, scared for his safety. Not after everything they went through. Not after the tremendous progress Eddie was constantly making…</p><p>They stopped the car at a nearby convenience store, so that Maggie and Wentworth would be able to buy food that Eddie could actually eat without risking to hurt himself. They’ll start first with soup, applesauce, and other yogurts, liquid food that he wouldn’t have to chew on before moving on to eggs and mashed potatoes, taking tiny steps until Eddie’s cheek was fully healed.</p><p>Richie couldn’t stop himself from teasing him, calling Eddie a “grandpa”. Eddie merely rolled his eyes at this new nickname, too tired to engage in one of their usual banters. He’d probably feel better once his stomach will be full…</p><p>Looking around him, checking that no one could see them, Richie kissed Eddie quickly on his right cheek, whispering to him:</p><p>“God, I can’t wait to kiss you for real, Eds. I love you so much.”</p><p>Eddie kissed Richie into the crook of his neck, humming happily. Richie’s breathing quickened slightly, and he had to control himself to not just take Eddie’s lips right here, right there. Not when his parents could come back at any minute… Despite what happened, Richie still intended to tell them about his sexuality, but he didn’t want them to discover it like that. Not if he could avoid it.</p><p>It didn’t take too long for Wentworth and Maggie to come back, and soon enough, they were driving off, getting to their house a few minutes later. Eddie grabbed his hand, and Richie squeezed it back, walking to the front door. Richie was ready to prepare breakfast, but Eddie stopped him dead in his tracks, thoughtful, looking at the stairs.</p><p>Worried, Richie caressed his cheek, making sure that he was okay:</p><p>“Something wrong, Eds?”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He typed slowly on his lightwriter, his nose scrunching up adorably while he was focusing on his task. Richie found himself smiling widely, his lips lowering down at Eddie’s words:</p><p>“<em>Shower first, then breakfast.” </em></p><p>Richie cleared his throat. He wasn’t expecting Eddie to want to go to the bathroom so soon. Yes, indeed, it was part of his routine, but after what happened… Taking a deep breath, Richie asked gently, trying to hide the tremors in his voice:</p><p>“You’re sure? We don’t have to...”</p><p>Eddie nodded gravely. There was something profoundly determined in his gaze, something Richie couldn’t argue against. Not without disrespecting Eddie, disregarding the promises he made to his partner and himself to treat him as an adult free to make his own decisions. He finished typing, stopping himself from sliding his fingers between his lips and shaking his free hand nervously instead:</p><p>“<em>Yes, I’m sure. I need it. It’s important. I need to do it now, or it’s going to be harder. I know it.” </em></p><p>Richie swallowed his saliva, his heart beating too fast. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that… Climbing up the stairs and… and seeing the place where <em> it  </em>happened? Having to go there with Eddie, to stand there, to stay there? Richie shuddered despite himself and Eddie hugged him, reassuring him:</p><p>“<em>I can do it alone. Or ask Went or Maggie.” </em></p><p>Richie shook his head at Eddie’s words. As if he was going to let his partner face that on his own! And he was usually the one who was there when Eddie was showering, either to wash with him, to help him or just be a reassuring presence. Eddie needed his routine back. And Richie wasn’t going to stress him out any further.</p><p>“Okay. Okay. I’m… I’m following you, Eddie.”</p><p>Richie let his parents know that they were going to shower, as well as putting back Eddie’s plush in their bedroom, where it belonged. Eddie hugged his bear tightly, dropping it on the bed. He chose some loose and comfortable clothes to replace those he was wearing, a quick change brought by Mike since the clothes that he had were soiled with blood, sweat, and urine. And he didn’t even have a t-shirt to put on, after what happened…</p><p>Richie was the one who stopped briefly at the bathroom’s entrance, gulping, his eyes meeting the exact place where he found Eddie, his mother trying to stop the bleeding in vain. Richie shivered, and Eddie whined reassuringly, holding his hand, helping him to step away from the spot into the bathroom. That’s where things became a bit more complicated.</p><p>Eddie found himself staring at the mirror, unable to stop looking at his reflexion, to focus on anything else. His mouth agape, his gaze seemed far away, while he couldn’t help but be forced to remember. To experience what happened, all over again. Richie didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to risk startling Eddie and cause him to have a meltdown, potentially endangering his physical healing, but he couldn’t just let him lose himself like that…</p><p>Hugging Eddie from behind, Richie peppered his neck with kisses, again and again, ready to do it as much as necessary. Eddie’s eyelids fluttered, and he was finally able to turn away from the mirror, ostensibly avoiding to look at it as much as possible. Richie undressed himself, and Eddie did the same, slowly, progressively, struggling slightly with his buttons.</p><p>Richie helped him with the last two, taking Eddie’s hand in his and pressing his lips against the soft skin. Eddie giggled slightly, his face reddening at the gesture. He gently kissed Richie and put his index finger under his boyfriend’s chin to lift his face up. Not for too long and not deepening the kiss, so that they wouldn’t get carried away, putting Eddie’s recovery at risk.</p><p>Richie took care of Eddie, making sure that he wouldn’t wet his bandage. The doctor had been clear, the stitches needed to stay dry for at least two days straight, more if necessary. Richie took him very seriously and listened to him more attentively than he ever listened to an authority figure. He wouldn’t jeopardize Eddie’s recovery. Heck no!</p><p>Eddie washed Richie as well, focusing on his body. Richie let out a shuddered moan when his partner brushed his dick quickly, Eddie mustering a fake innocent smile, as if he didn’t do anything at all. Asshole. Richie was definitely in love with him, that was obvious. His tiny angry gremlin, how happy he was to get to still have him, despite everything…</p><p>Eddie moaned happily, relieved to take a shower, and go back to his precious routine. Richie was relieved that Henry Bowers didn’t steal that from him. No, his Eddie Spaghetti was above all of that, way, way stronger than Richie could ever be. That’s what he thought at least.</p><p>But Eddie didn’t come out unscathed of this experience, far from it. Richie realized it as soon as he made the mistake of putting his hands on his partner’s shoulders, Eddie’s back facing the mirror. His eyes suddenly widened, and Eddie jerked away, letting out a fearful yelp. Richie didn’t realize that he was about to make things worse, getting his hand closer to Eddie’s right cheek, hoping to ground him back to reality.</p><p>Eddie raised his arm in a jerky motion, as if to protect himself from an incoming hit, before curling up on the floor, wheezing heavily. When he started to punch his head, Richie pulled him out immediately from the bathroom, grabbing their stuff quickly as well. He helped him to their bedroom, sitting him on their bed. Richie joined him next, inviting Eddie to sit on his knees, rocking him slowly and regularly. All the while, he was kissing his partner and shushing him softly, reminding him where and when he was, that he was not in danger anymore, that everything was okay.</p><p>After a moment, Eddie managed to calm down. Slightly dazed, he was about to put his fingers between his fingers, but Richie had to stop him, moving his arms up and down in a regular motion. Eddie focused on the stimmy movement, humming rhythmically, his eyes definitely glassy. He needed a few more minutes to come back to his senses, blinking and moaning, confused to be in their room when he remembered being in the bathroom.</p><p>Richie dressed him up, Eddie unable to focus on this task, still lost in his thoughts, unsure of what he was supposed to do. Then, he put his own clothes on, helping Eddie on his feet, hugging him tightly. His partner might be strong, but he still went through hell, and that wasn’t something he could just forget easily. Richie himself couldn’t walk past the bathroom without feeling his intestines twisting up, bile taste in his throat. He would be there for Eddie, no matter what.</p><p>When they went downstairs, breakfast was ready, waiting for them. Richie sat right next to Eddie, at their usual spots. He looked at what was on the table, checking that there weren’t any foods that could be potentially dangerous for Eddie. It’s not like they couldn’t eat it themselves, but Richie’d rather not tempt Eddie or have his boyfriend taste something distractedly and risk hurting himself in the process. His parents must have thought the same, and Richie was definitely thankful.</p><p>He smiled when he saw Eddie eagerly eating his applesauce and drinking his lukewarm chocolate, so enthusiastic that he smeared it all over his face, his gauze included. Well, Richie would have to change that after their breakfast, for sure… Richie chuckled, catching Eddie’s attention and wiping his face tenderly. He was so cute. Cute, cute, cute! Richie couldn’t wait to be able to pinch his cheeks as he used to, teasing his little Eddie Spaghetti, waiting for him to retort however he wanted. But for now, Eddie’s left cheek was healing, and Richie wasn’t going to touch it if he didn’t have to.</p><p>They kept the conversation light, avoiding talking about what happened. Richie was sure that Eddie would have this discussion whenever he felt ready, and he didn’t want to force that on him. Sure, he really wished to know what happened, be aware of all of Henry Bowers’ fucked up behavior, and precisely know how to reassure Eddie, but he wasn’t going to pull this story out of him. It might trigger him, and Eddie needed a safe and calm environment, where he wouldn’t have to scream and risk having his stitches popping out.</p><p>Eddie participated happily, even if he was slower than usual when it came to using his lightwriter. He was particularly enthusiastic when Richie mentioned movies that were going to be released these next few months and how he hoped to get to watch them at the movie theater. Eddie never went to a cinema before, and Richie promised him before that they would go together. He couldn’t wait! He nodded, whined, and flapped his hands excitedly when his partner suggested to him that they’d go see the new Power Rangers movie.</p><p>Eddie never got to watch this show, his mom always switched channels, telling him that it was stupid and too violent, and Eddie never dared to disobey, not even trying to watch it when she wasn’t here. Now, he could do that, and she wouldn’t be able to say anything! Eddie cooed joyfully, resting his head against Richie’s shoulder.</p><p>The Toziers described to him what it would be like, how he would get to experience the movie, Richie by his side. Maggie raised some concerns, but Wentworth reassured her, convinced that Eddie could either handle it or that he trusted him to tell Richie if it wasn’t the case.</p><p>“There’s no shame in quitting, son, not when you have actually tried. If it’s too much for you, you’ll just have to ask Richie, and you’ll leave the theater or step away for a while.”</p><p>Eddie grimaced at Wentworth’s words, taking his time to type on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>But we’re gonna pay for the tickets. It would be a waste.” </em></p><p>Richie nudged him gently, caressing his hair:</p><p>“Nah, Eds, don’t worry your pretty little head about that. The real waste would be to have you force yourself to endure the movie and not enjoy this moment with me. It’s good that you want to try, but you don’t have to push yourself too much. And if you want to, we could still try again later. It’s not because you can handle it once that it’s going to be the same every time.”</p><p>Eddie nodded thoughtfully, finishing his applesauce. Richie had no trouble to believe that Eddie might have some difficulties to wrap his head around this idea. The fact that they trusted him to handle it and yet didn’t expect him to endure it if it wasn’t the case… That was very far from everything his mother put him through, and Eddie was still learning what life was, outside of her control. Richie was more than ready to be there for his partner at every step, whether it was forward or, sometimes, backward.</p><p>He was lucky to still have Eddie alive and well, Richie knew that, and he wasn’t going to let it all go to waste. Eddie said that he protected him, that he protected them, and Richie was decided to return him the favor, to be by his side and support him, no matter what. Wherever their path would lead them, Richie would be there, following Eddie’s steps and guiding him whenever his partner deemed it necessary. They’ll be here for each other, as they always had…</p><p>Once their breakfast was finished, Eddie insisted on helping, despite Maggie assuring him that he could stay put, and he didn’t have to do so. He whined protestingly, getting up from his seat and starting to put the dishes in the sink.</p><p>“<em>I can help, I’m doing okay! I want to help!” </em></p><p>“Don’t argue, Maggie, my love.” Wentworth hugged his wife, kissing her on the cheek. “You know how stubborn he is. He wants to help, then let him.”</p><p>“He shouldn’t have to, he was barely discharged from the hospital.”</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes theatrically, and Richie grinned, taking his boyfriend’s side:</p><p>“Come on, mom, they stitched up his cheek, not his legs or his arms. Unless...”</p><p>Richie took Eddie’s hand, agitating it slightly, causing his boyfriend to laugh, taken by surprise.</p><p>“Look, still attached! We’ll get worried if his body parts fell off, like in “The Nightmare before Christmas”.”</p><p>Richie suddenly realized something, and he looked Eddie very seriously, who raised an eyebrow with a confused expression:</p><p>“Eds, have you watched “The Nightmare before Christmas” yet?”</p><p>Eddie shook his head, and Richie gasped exaggeratedly.</p><p>“Dear Lord, save this poor creature! You have to watch this movie! Then we could dress up like the characters for Halloween and...”</p><p>Another realization was incoming. Richie took a deep breath and asked, although he could already guess what answer Eddie was about to give him:</p><p>“Have you ever had a proper Halloween? Did you trick or treat, put on a costume, watch some horror movies, eat candies at least?”</p><p>Eddie adopted a pensive expression, before shrugging his shoulders and typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I think I did dress up with my dad when he was still alive. I don’t remember much of it. I must have been three or four years old.” </em></p><p>Eddie smiled softly, probably appreciating one of the few memories he had of his father. From what Richie had been able to gather, Frank Kaspbrak was indeed a good man and a good dad, so much that Eddie was still loving him and thinking fondly of him, despite how little time they had together. If he could have been there for his son all of those years, things would have been wildly different, Richie was sure of that. He wanted to believe that the man would never have allowed his wife to treat Eddie like she did, that he would have offered him a sweet childhood, a life where his needs would have been appropriately supported…</p><p>But Frank Kaspbrak was dead years ago, and nothing could change that. Richie still thought that he had to ask Eddie to talk about him someday, if he wanted to. Given how much he was attached to his teddy bear and his father’s old chessboard, Richie was pretty sure that Eddie wouldn’t mind and might even be happy to jog his memory and try to remember more of his dad.</p><p>Eddie finally pulled himself from his memories, his gaze slightly hazy and a soft smile on his lips. He pursued his thoughts, admitting with a grimace:</p><p>“<em>But I never celebrated Halloween. My mother used to tell me that it was dangerous to roam at night and that I would be kidnapped. That I could lose myself wearing a costume and that it could be dangerous for my fragile mental health. And I’m not even talking about the candies!” </em></p><p>Eddie let out a disapproving noise, from the back of his throat, and Richie couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous all of it was.</p><p>“Eddie, I assure you, nothing wrong will come out of you dressing up. On the contrary, I’m sure you’ll have fun. We definitely have to celebrate that, in the old-fashioned way. We might be a bit old for trick or treating, but I don’t give a fuck… I don’t care.”</p><p>Richie added, while his mother was giving him a pointed look. Yeah, yeah, no swearing… As if it was really important for her. Richie knew that she was only teasing him. That’s how his mother was…</p><p>He suddenly looked at her, his brain reminding him of the last few weeks, and this wall still existing between them. He bit his bottom lip and turned his head away. Richie didn’t feel like staying with his parents now. He wanted to be alone with Eddie…</p><p>Forcing a laugh out of his throat, he took Eddie’s hand, pressing it urgently:</p><p>“Well, I have to change my Lil’ Eddie Spaghetti’s bandage, so let’s do that! See you!”</p><p>Richie quickly climbed up the stairs, a bewildered Eddie following his trail. He guided his partner to the bedroom, going swiftly to the bathroom to take the supplies he needed. Richie came back immediately to Eddie, grabbing a chair and sitting in front of him.</p><p>“<em>Are you okay?” </em></p><p>Richie nodded, before he remembered how much Eddie hated it whenever he lied. He didn’t know if his boyfriend would be able to tell that he wasn’t truthful, but Richie didn’t want to betray his trust anyway. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down as well as bracing himself for the care he was about to deliver to Eddie:</p><p>“Actually, no. I mean, nothing bad, I just… You know how it is, with Mom and Dad. I can’t stop thinking about our secret and their possible reactions.”</p><p>Eddie let out a gentle noise, caressing Richie’s cheek. Richie cupped his hand tenderly, sighing softly. Eddie always knew how to provide him the comfort he needed…</p><p>“<em>You know, maybe we should rip-off the band-aid while the wound is still fresh.” </em></p><p>Richie raised an eyebrow at Eddie’s words, gazing at him with a confused look:</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“<em>I mean, we could tell them. After you took care of my bandage. We don’t have to wait for the weekend. I just got out of the hospital, they’re still in super caring mode, especially Maggie. It might help them to accept it...” </em></p><p>Richie laughed nervously at Eddie’s words. He rubbed his own cheek against Eddie’s hand, letting out with a shaky voice, although he was trying to joke about it:</p><p>“My, oh my, how Machiavellian you are, Eddie Spaghetti! Strike the enemy when they’re still weak...”</p><p>“<em>They’re not the enemy, Richie. They’re your parents. And I’m here. You’re not alone. If you feel ready to do it now, then let’s.” </em></p><p>Richie bit his bottom lip. Was he ready? A part of him wanted to crawl under his mattress, as Eddie did when his nightmares were particularly violent, but another part of him just wanted to get it over with. If his parents accepted them, then it would be for the best. If they didn’t… Well, Richie would call Mike and share his flat for a while, until they moved out to someplace better. It wouldn’t be easy, but Eddie offered to do so himself, and Richie didn’t want to doubt his word. Despite how attached he was to his parents and their home, Eddie would follow him. Richie knew it.</p><p>“Let me treat you and… uh… I’ll think about it in the meantime, okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, keeping himself as still as possible. Before Richie touched his bandage, he typed on his lightwriter, asking expectantly:</p><p>“<em>Once the bandage is off, can you show me how it looks?” </em></p><p>Richie grimaced at the thought. The stitches were still fresh, and the wound wouldn’t be pretty to witness. The doctor didn’t show him yet, fearing that it might trigger Eddie and prolong his stay at the hospital. But Eddie wanted to, and Richie promised himself not to dismiss his needs and his wants.</p><p>“Yeah, sure, Eds. Keep in mind that you’re still recovering and that your scar won’t be like that when you are fully healed. And if it’s upsetting to you, we’ll look into surgery or stuff to make it go away, alright?”</p><p>Eddie nodded thoughtfully. Richie immediately added, not wanting to worry his partner:</p><p>“Listen, with or without the scar, you’re still my pretty, cutie Eddie Spaghetti. If anything, the scar makes you utterly badass. People will think that you’re a pirate, a warrior, or something. My knight in shining armor.”</p><p>Richie kissed Eddie, stealing the laugh that was building in his partner’s throat. He didn’t make it last too long, not wanting to avoid any longer this moment.</p><p>“Ready, Eddie?”</p><p>Eddie whined approvingly. Richie carefully lifted the bandage, covered with chocolate stains, trying not to think about all of the mistakes he could make while doing so. He treated Eddie’s wound, ensuring that it remained clean and that there wasn’t any food stuck there. Once this was done, Richie took a handheld mirror, showing his reflection to Eddie. He jokingly added, hoping to relax his partner:</p><p>“Mirror mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?”</p><p>Eddie didn’t answer. He quietly looked at the mirror, moving his hand towards his stitched wound, but not touching it, thankfully. Richie didn’t dare to intervene, not wanting to upset Eddie or to make him think that he wasn’t taking it seriously. He wanted to tell Eddie how much he loved him, how cute he was, how beautiful he was… But it was Eddie’s moment. The first time he ever saw his face, what would be his scar, albeit it will probably not be as noticeable as it currently was.</p><p>After a while, Eddie… grinned. He typed on his lightwriter, grunting funnily:</p><p>“<em>Ahoy, captain!” </em></p><p>Richie wasn’t expecting that. He started to laugh uncontrollably, forcing himself to stop so that Eddie wouldn’t laugh too much either, straining his stitches. Holding his stomach, Richie took deep breaths, asking Eddie:</p><p>“So… I guess… it’s okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, a more serious expression on his face:</p><p>“<em>Yes. This scar, it means that I won. That I managed to protect you all. I’m proud of it. Besides, now, I’ll know why people are gonna stare at me. They’ll see the scar before anything else.” </em></p><p>Unfortunately, Eddie was probably right. No, definitely. Most people weren’t used to scarred faces and other physical differences. They were going to stare. Some of them might point at him. Kids could ask inappropriate questions. But Eddie seemed okay with it. More comfortable than he currently was with people noticing his disability first…</p><p>Richie got closer to Eddie, so much that their foreheads touched. They both closed their eyes for a second, before Richie kissed him on his other cheek, letting him know tenderly:</p><p>“I’m so proud of you, Eds. And I can’t wait to kiss your scar. It’s definitely sexy! Hey, we’ll have to do some role-play! You’ll be the leader mafioso, and I’ll be your devoted right-hand, ready to serve you in any way possible.”</p><p>Richie winked cheekily, and Eddie took the hint, getting red and whining embarrassingly. Richie laughed, poking Eddie’s right cheek, before putting back a new gauze as gently as possible.</p><p>“There, good as new! Thank you for being such a wonderful patient, Eddie Spaghetti! Next time, I’ll wear a nurse uniform.”</p><p>“<em>Really?” </em></p><p>Eddie wiggled his eyebrows, trying to have a suggestive expression, but failing to do so. He was so damn cute, Richie found himself chuckling and hugging him.</p><p>“Never change, Eds. I love you.”</p><p>“<em>Love you too.” </em></p><p>Richie detached himself from Eddie, who looked at him with a curious stare. He knew precisely what Eddie wanted to ask him. Before he did so, Richie took a deep breath, squeezing Eddie’s hand:</p><p>“Okay, let’s do it.”</p><p>He wanted to throw up. To run away. To shut up forever, if needed. But Richie got up and followed Eddie outside of their bedroom. Step by step, they arrived downstairs, getting to the living room. His parents were sitting on the couch, hugging and chatting mindlessly, showing their love without fear, without shame. Richie envied them.</p><p>Deep breath. Deep breath. Richie let himself drop on the couch, Eddie sitting next to him. He bit his bottom lip, hesitating, not knowing what to say. His legs were shaking, and he couldn’t help but rub his face with his hand, almost knocking off his glasses in the process. Noticing how nervous he was, his parents focused back on him, while Eddie was squeezing his hand, showing him his support.</p><p>Breathe in. Breathe out.</p><p>“Mom… Dad… I’m...”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>... Yeah, I did cut the chapter here, I'm sorry xD. I hope you'll be able to forgive me xD. </p><p>That was a really nice chapter to write. I was glad to show how all of it was affecting Eddie and everyone else, all of them differently. Maggie gets more protective, Richie has trouble to get near the bathroom (but inside of it is fine), Eddie gets triggered when he's in front of the mirror and touched in some ways while in the bathroom and Wentworth... Well, he's trying to keep it together and to be there to support his wife and his sons c:. </p><p>I also wanted Eddie to be proud of his scar. He's not afraid of it and he's actually happy that it might be quite visible. That way, people will notice first something that remind him of how he was able to protect his family and himself, and not the fact that people don't accept his disability and him being different. He's gonna show it off as soon as he can xD.</p><p>Thank you all for your kind words and for still being there! I hope you liked this chapter. Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos if you feel like it, I'd love to know what you think about this chapter (and if you hate me for this cliffhanger xD). You can also subscribe to this work and this series c:. </p><p>Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Here's the 25th chapter, I hope you'll like it! I couldn't wait to write it, it didn't exactly come out how I thought it would, but I'm still satisfied.</p><p>Thank you all for your wonderful support and your loyalty c:. It's thanks to you that I'm still able to write, regardless of my current schedule :D. Your support means the world to me.</p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for casual homophobia<br/>TW for homophobic slurs<br/>TW for ableist slurs<br/>TW for r-word<br/>TW for homophobia<br/>TW for ableism<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for emetophobia</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something else. I hope you'll like it c:. Take care!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Mom… Dad… I’m… I’m gay.”</p><p>That was it. Richie came out to his parents. Eddie stopped squeezing his partner’s hand, gripping his arm to show him his full support. He said it. He just said it. And right at this moment, it was like time was suspended. Eddie’s breathing was caught in his throat, and he couldn’t get himself to look at Went and Maggie. Too much. Too intense.</p><p>Maybe he should add something. But Eddie didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t even sure yet that he was gay. He just knew that he loved Richie. Now that he was thinking about it, Eddie didn’t need to tell them more than that, right? Taking a deep breath, he typed on his lightwriter, his fingers shaking slightly:</p><p>“<em>I’m in love with Richie. And he’s in love with me.” </em></p><p>For a second, Richie looked at him, granting him a smile full of affection and tenderness, before he focused back on his parents. Eddie was still unable to look at them, not even their faces. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to read their expressions right now and, as a result, would get overly stressed out. He needed to remain calm. It was Richie’s moment. It was their moment. Eddie couldn’t ruin it like that…</p><p>“Richie, honey, is this… is this a joke?”</p><p>Maggie’s words got Eddie to raise his head, despite how overwhelmed he was. An upset whine slipped past his lips, while Richie found himself laughing nervously, his whole body tensing. God, it was scary how stiff Richie was, it had to be painful! Eddie bit his bottom lip, hugging his boyfriend, resting his head against his shoulder. He was there for him. He was there for Richie, no matter what…</p><p>“It’s not a joke, mom. I’m… I’m really gay. And Eddie’s not joking either. We’re… hmm… We’re dating.”</p><p>A deafening silence took place in the Toziers’ household, a silence that no one seemed to dare to break. Eddie could only hear Richie’s ragged breathing, his own wheezing, but not much else. He… He wasn’t expecting that. How quiet everyone was. Eddie was ready to defend Richie if needed or to answer happily to a positive reaction, but this… he didn’t know what to make of it. And it was awfully stressful. Trying to keep his emotions in check, Eddie started to practice the stim his therapist taught him, closing his fingers on his thumb at a quick and regular pace.</p><p>He should say something. He was supposed to support Richie. Why wasn’t he saying something? Why was he suddenly so scared? Eddie didn’t know how to interpret their reactions. He… He…</p><p>“Mom, Dad, say something, please.”</p><p>Richie’s voice broke slightly on the last word, and Eddie hugged him tighter, offering him the comfort that he needed right now. Fuck… Fuck, fuck, why Eddie had been unable to predict that? He should have thought about it a lot more, he…</p><p>Eddie jumped on his seat, startled, when Went suddenly got up, leaving the room without a word. Richie called out to his dad, a plea hidden in plain sight, but to no avail. Hearing Richie let out a sob was what got Eddie to finally act, typing quickly on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Why did Went leave? And why aren’t you saying anything?” </em></p><p>The robotic voice couldn’t convey what Eddie was feeling right now, but his body was vibrating with anxiety and anger. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that! Richie should be comforted, reassured, just like it went down when he confessed to the Losers! So, why…?</p><p>Maggie rubbed her face for a second, letting out a sigh. She shook her head, visibly trying to put some order in her thoughts, before she finally managed to say out loud, while sporting an expression that Eddie couldn’t decipher:</p><p>“Richie, you know how your father is. He’s… He doesn’t want to say something brash, so he’s taking a few minutes to calm himself down.”</p><p>“It’s not very reassuring, Mom...”</p><p>It wasn’t. Eddie was still at a loss with what he was supposed to do. Their reaction to Richie’s coming out, it wasn’t crystal clear to him. It wasn’t a yes, it wasn’t a no, it was… it was weird and awkward, and it made him feel uneasy and confused. Eddie found himself whining anxiously, and Richie was the one who hugged him this time, shushing him gently. Eddie closed his eyes shortly, while his partner was caressing his hair, doing his best to not explode when everything inside him wanted to.</p><p>“I… It’s… It’s just a lot, Richie. I’m still processing what happened the day before and… and… I… I just need a minute, okay?”</p><p>“I’m scared, mom. I’m really scared.”</p><p>Richie never seemed so vulnerable before. So frail. It was like he was about to break into pieces, his whole being shattering from a shock that he couldn’t just handle. He looked so small, hugging Eddie as if he was his lifeline. He probably was, right at this moment…</p><p>Maggie let out a soft “Oh” at his shaky words, and she got up from her place, sitting next to her son. She took Richie’s hand in hers, caressing it gently. Eddie looked at her with a bewildered stare, unable to understand what she was currently thinking or doing. He curled up against Richie, starting to slide his fingers between his lips, stopping at the last minute, reminding himself of his doctor’s recommendations. He played nervously with his sleeves, while Maggie asked gently, looking at them both:</p><p>“When… When did you know?”</p><p>Eddie shrugged. It was difficult to say. He always felt that Richie was not a friend like the others for him, but pinpointing exactly when he started to love him? When he first saw him? When they began to know each other? When they met again? When Eddie started to learn about the concept of love, helped by his therapist? It was too complicated. And it didn’t really matter to him, honestly. The past was the past. And nothing could change that.</p><p>But Richie still answered, stopping to hug Eddie for a second to wipe his teary face:</p><p>“Hmm… I was 12 years old, I think? I already had a crush on Eddie. It was always him. We… uh… We only started to date around Christmas, though.”</p><p>“Jesus...”</p><p>Maggie covered her mouth with her trembling fingers, her eyes downcast. Eddie heard her mumbling with an incredulous voice:</p><p>“All this time and I… I didn’t...”</p><p>Her hand that was still holding Richie’s squeezed it even more, while she was saying louder, turning her face towards them:</p><p>“I… I imagined tons of things, when you… When you started to put some distance between us, Richie. I… I thought you might be in trouble. I thought you could be sick. That you might hang out with the wrong crowd. I… I even started to fear that, because of me, you… You started to drink too much and...”</p><p>“Mom, mom, it’s none of that, okay?” Richie intervened quickly, visibly horrified by what his mother just implied. “I’m fine, I’m not compelled to drink, I… I would never fell into this trap. Not after what you went through. I swear. I just… I was...”</p><p>Richie bit his bottom lip, hugging Eddie close:</p><p>“I was scared of your reaction. I… I still am, I don’t know… I…”</p><p>The rest of his sentence was lost into a whimper. Eddie found himself crying as well. He didn’t know what was happening, if Maggie was taking it well, what Went was currently doing… There was nothing but uncertainty, and Eddie wasn’t equipped to deal with that. He’d rather have them outright say that they didn’t want to see them anymore, he would know what to do, at least! He wouldn’t hope for them to still accept them, to always love them…</p><p>He could already hear his mom’s voice in his mind. Eddie detached himself from Richie, putting his hands over his ears. Shut up, shut up, shut up! He just started to moan desperately, closing his eyes, when he felt hands cupping his face. He opened his eyelids, letting out a choked whine when he realized that Maggie was there, kneeling in front of him, touching him like she always did. He pulled down his arms, letting his limbs rest on the couch, while Richie’s mother whispered softly:</p><p>“Honey, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. It doesn’t change how I feel towards you or Richie. I love you both so much, my heart can’t contain it. But… But I’m just processing, alright? It doesn’t mean that I’m rejecting you or the way you love. I’m not. I promise.”</p><p>Eddie nodded slowly, showing that he understood what she meant. Okay, okay, she... she just needed time. Like he did when he wasn’t getting words anymore or encountering a notion that was clashing with everything he knew until then. It didn’t mean that she hated them or wanted them gone. She loved them. Maggie still loved them.</p><p>He put his hand over Maggie’s, caressing it clumsily, letting out a sigh. She slowly got up on her feet, kissing Eddie on the forehead, before she sat back next to Richie, who was paler than a ghost and seemed ready to throw up. Eddie rested his head on his shoulder, curling up against his boyfriend’s body and gripping his arm again. He needed it. And Richie too.</p><p>Maggie put her hand on her son’s knee, letting him decide what he wanted to do with it. He closed his fingers around it, a bit unsure, as if he was fearing that she might reject him. And he probably was…</p><p>“I should have seen it, Richie. You’re my son, I… A mother is supposed to feel this sort of thing, right? I… You and Eddie were always so affectionate towards each other, I should have known. I should have talked to you, asked you, but I… I think I buried my head in the sand and pretended that it wasn’t there. I… I don’t know. I never thought that it could be a possibility, you know?”</p><p>“Mom, it’s o...”</p><p>“It’s not okay, Richie.”</p><p>Maggie took a deep breath, hiding her face behind her free hand. She was shaking slightly, and Eddie could see that she was crying. He whimpered, worried, and she lowered her hand, offering him a weak smile, before she managed to say:</p><p>“I thought I managed to build a safe environment for you. That you would feel that you could trust me with anything. But… But I kept asking you about a girlfriend, teasing you on the subject and, not for one second, I thought that you might be gay. It never crossed my mind. When you were born, I was ready for your hyperactivity, I told myself that I would let you know and feel that you could be yourself in any way that suited you. And I failed you. I...”</p><p>She grabbed Eddie and Richie, pulling them into a hug, letting out in a sob:</p><p>“I failed you both. I’m so sorry.”</p><p>Eddie didn’t know how he was supposed to answer. Maggie crying and apologizing wasn’t something he had pictured as a possibility either. He let himself be hugged, his arms dangling uselessly, squishing Richie between himself and his mother. A sound interrupted them, a throat clearing. Went was standing awkwardly a few steps away from there, playing nervously with a stress ball, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but here. Nevertheless, he still took a chair and sat in front of them, shaking his legs anxiously:</p><p>“I… uh… I’m not good with that kind of thing, you know? I’m… I don’t always know what to say and when I say something, I’m often messing it up. And… And I don’t want to mess that up, sons. I… I don’t want to.”</p><p>He squeezed his stress ball tightly, while Eddie was doing the same with Richie’s arm, probably hurting him the process. But Richie merely let him do so, entirely focused on his dad, fearing his words. Scared to be rejected by one of the people that he loved the most. The father he respected so much.</p><p>“I… I heard what your mother said. And I wasn’t ready either. I… I still can’t wrap my head around it completely. I’m… I’m going to, I swear, I just…”</p><p>Went took a deep breath, his eyes wandering everywhere but on Richie and Eddie. Eddie was suspended to his every word, waiting to be entirely sure that the man he thought as his second dad would still love them, that he wouldn’t try to change them.</p><p>“I… I never met a gay person before. Or maybe I did, and I never knew, how could I tell? It’s not written on anyone’s forehead, it’s not that simple. I only heard about that on the news, in some movies. Whenever there was a newscast mentioning gay people, it was to say that someone had been mugged or assaulted or even worse. I remember hearing those awful, awful things about HIV and AIDS and… and when you told me those words, Richie, I… My first thought was to be afraid. Afraid for you both.”</p><p>Went bit his bottom lip, visibly upset. Eddie looked briefly at Richie, but his boyfriend remained still and quiet, unsure how to react either. Went suddenly seemed to remember something, and he raised his head, words slipping past his lips:</p><p>“Oh, god! When I… When Bowers… When he wrote you those words, I… Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, that’s when… That’s when you started to… It was my fault. I… I immediately assumed that you didn’t want us to think that you were gay, but you… Oh, fuck!”</p><p>Wentworth was getting too agitated. He couldn’t keep track of his thoughts, of his words. Maggie got up from her seat, kneeling in front of him, holding his hands in hers:</p><p>“Went, you need to relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Deeply. Richie and Eddie need you. Come on, Went, my love… Breathe.”</p><p>Maggie was there, helping her husband to remain grounded and calm down, so that he would be able to focus on what really mattered: family. His family. Eddie and Richie, his sons. The way she supported him reminded Eddie of how much Richie was there for him as well. And how he was trying to do the same, to be a rock for Richie whenever he felt like he was crumbling down.</p><p> Maggie and Wentworth, Eddie and Richie… They weren’t so different, after all. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, the love that he was feeling for his boyfriend. But it was, and Eddie couldn’t do much, but wait. Wait to be sure of Wentworth’s answer. Wait to know what will happen. What they might have to do.</p><p>Went finally managed to calm himself down. Maggie stood up behind him, hugging him tightly, kissing him on the cheek.</p><p>“Come on, Went. They’re waiting.”</p><p>“Y… Yeah. I’m sorry, I just… I didn’t process <em>that.  </em>The fact that I hurt you like that. I… I should have been more thoughtful. I’m sorry, Richie, Eddie.”</p><p>“Dad…”</p><p>Richie tried to say something, but his words died down in his throat. Eddie took over, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>So, is that okay? You’re accepting it? Because if you don’t, we’re leaving.” </em></p><p>Went and Maggie were visibly taken aback by Eddie’s harsh words. Richie wasn’t expecting it either. He whispered a soft and awkward “Eds...”, shifting on his seat:</p><p>“<em>What? That’s true! I love you, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to cure, nothing to change! And Went, Maggie, you’re my family, and my heart goes to you, but if you can’t accept us like we are, we’ll be leaving, and we won’t turn back.” </em></p><p>Eddie was getting frustrated with how emotionless the robotic voice, wanting to convey how determined he was. He grunted, hitting his knee with his closed fist, filled with conflicting feelings. Richie grabbed his hand and squeezed it, shaking his head slowly. No self-harm. Don’t hurt yourself. Eddie knew it, it was just… it was so fucking intense, and he didn’t know how to deal with all of that!</p><p>Went was the first to be able to talk again after Eddie’s words. He parted his lips, closed them again, before he finally managed to say:</p><p>“Eddie, son, I’ll never do anything that would lead you, both of you, to leave us forever. I might not understand it fully, and I’ll… I’ll need time to completely accept it and get it, but… but you’re more important than any prejudice I might hold. You’re my sons, and I love you so much. I love everything about you both. Everything.”</p><p>That was it. It was now absolutely sure. Regardless of how they were processing this news, Went and Maggie made it clear that they loved them and that Eddie and Richie were still family. That they would never try to change them, that they would be the one to make an effort, open their mind, take a step towards them. It was… It was done.</p><p>Eddie wasn’t sure who, between Richie and himself, was the first who started to wail. But soon, these loud cries were pulled out of their throats, and they found themselves showered with love, hugged tightly by Went and Maggie, words of reassurance and support whispered to their ears.</p><p>It wasn’t what Eddie pictured. It wasn’t perfect or downright awful, it was… it was messy, but it was okay. Because Went and Maggie were willing to learn, and they wanted to be there, no matter what. They might make a few mistakes, some missteps, but their heart was definitely in the right place and keeping this family united and filled with love was more important than anything else.</p><p>Eddie didn’t know how long they stayed like that, crying and hugging, but he was exhausted when they finally separated, his throat aching. Richie checked on his healing scar, making sure that he didn’t pull a stitch or something when he started to wail, but Eddie was fine. He was just… tired. He waited so long for it to happen, and now that it was done, Eddie wanted to bury himself under tons of blanket and curl up there, his heart processing everything he went through.</p><p>Eddie yawned, resting his head on Richie’s knees. There wasn’t an inkling of energy left in his spent body. Between what happened to Mike, his interview with the reporter, Bowers, the hospital, and now that… Eddie’s brain was waving the white flag, asking him for some mercy. He should… He should probably try to stay awake a bit more… Be there for Richie, be ready to answer some questions if… if…</p><p>Maggie covered him gently with a plaid, kissing the top of his head, while Went closed the curtains, dimming the light coming from the outside world. Eddie moaned sleepily, and Richie caressed his cheek, avoiding his gauze cautiously, letting him know with a tender smile:</p><p>“Go on, take a nap. I’m not moving.”</p><p>“We’ll be here when you wake up, Honey.” Maggie adjusted the plaid, making sure he was properly covered. “Have some rest.”</p><p>Eddie didn’t need more than that to let it go. His fluttering eyelids finally closed and a soft snore slipped past his lips, while he was falling asleep, drifting slowly towards his dreams…</p><p>But Eddie wasn’t just dreaming. He was having a nightmare. At first, everything seemed lovely. He was flying, surrounded by his family, not a care in the world. Then, things started to shift. They all disappeared, one by one, until he found himself all alone. The beautiful environment he was in changed as well, turning into a bathroom he was too familiar with. Bloodied tiles. Red crimson liquid on his face. And Bowers was facing Eddie, the knife plunged into his body, but seemingly unbothered. He tapped Eddie’s left cheek, before holding him by the throat:</p><p>“You retard. You fucking fag. You really think they love you? That they accepted you?”</p><p>Eddie felt like he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even struggle! He was paralyzed, choking, forced to face Bowers and his wicked grin, while he insisted, delivering what seemed like truth bullets to Eddie’s traumatized mind:</p><p>“They’re not. They think you’re disgusting. Stupid. But they’re lying to you, because you threatened them to take their dear Richie away from them. That’s a fucking low blow, girly boy.”</p><p>Eddie managed to let out a whimper, but Bowers strangled him even more, and he couldn’t let out a single sound. He was powerless. He managed to defeat him, but, but… but Bowers was still standing and hurting him and…</p><p>“There’s only one person who ever loved you, and you killed her. You killed me.”</p><p>Bowers’ voice shifted, as well as his whole body. Sonia Kaspbrak was standing in front of Eddie, still strangling him. Her face was red and distorted in an eternal grimace, the last image he had of her while she had her heart attack. She let go of his throat and hugged him tightly, too tightly. Eddie felt himself getting smaller and smaller, until he was nothing but a tiny, scrawny kid, towered over by his giant mother.</p><p>“Stay with me, Eddie bear. I’m the only one who ever truly loved you, no matter how stupid, retarded, and deviant you were. I’ll fix you. I’ll keep you safe. Stay with me.”</p><p>Eddie didn’t want to. Richie… He had to… Richie! But he couldn’t move. His body was acting against his wishes, hugging his mother back, getting smaller, and even more fragile. So frail that, when his mom tightened her hug once again, Eddie shattered into thousands of pieces, like a teacup thrown against the ground. Broken. He was… broken.</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie’s fifteen minutes nap seemed to go just fine. At first, he was merely whimpering and scrunching up his nose, nothing unusual. But then he started to get wildly agitated, more and more as time went by, until he looked possessed. He was struggling under the plaid, and Went quickly took it away, not wanting him to feel tangled up and trapped by the soft fabric. Richie tried to call his name, but Eddie wasn’t answering or reacting in any way that could let them suppose that he was hearing his boyfriend’s voice.</p><p>Eddie finally opened his eyes, a low growling sound making its way out of his throat. It wasn’t like anything Richie ever heard from him. It was like he was desperately choking and attempting to take his first gulp of oxygen, without much success. His gaze was feverish, his eyes rolling in their sockets, darting everywhere in a fast and panicked motion. Eddie started to retch, making a strangled noise, and Richie was quick to put him on his side, allowing Eddie to empty his stomach’s content on the floor.</p><p>Maggie went to look for a tissue quickly, tapping on his lips gently. Eddie wasn’t moving. He was breathing heavily, his body shaking as if he was having seizures.</p><p>“Eddie? Eddie, can you hear me?”</p><p>He could. But he wasn’t able to answer. He could merely breathe and shake, lost between multiple realities, his nightmare, past, and present. He could feel the taste of puke in his mouth and pain throbbing on his right cheek. It hurt… It really hurt. Or did it? Eddie couldn’t tell. He was… He needed…</p><p>“Mo...”</p><p>Eddie called his mom weakly, attempting to slip his fingers in his suffering mouth. Someone stopped him, and he whined, trying to do it again. His hands were held away from his mouth, and words that were now coming all garbled started to resonate in his ears, too loud, too much! It was hurting! Why were they hurting him like that?</p><p>Mommy, he needed his mommy! Where was she? Where was his mommy? He was broken, he was in pain, he couldn’t move, Mommy! Mommy! Eddie’s anxious hum turned into a full-blown shout, and he screamed louder than he ever did, the pain getting worse and worse, making him even more scared. Where was his mommy? Where was she? Mommy! Mommy!</p><p>He must have done something wrong. He had been bad. Not a good boy. Not the good boy that his mommy loved, and now he was hurting, and he was paralyzed, and his mouth felt disgusting and painful and… and…</p><p>Eddie felt a sting in his neck. His eyes widened, and his scream turned into a tired moan, then a whisper. He stopped thrashing around, his gaze landing on the man that was facing him. It was… It was a doctor… He… He just… Why was he so… tired? M… Mommy… M… Mo…</p><p>*</p><p>When Eddie started to stir up, he heard some voices, that he managed to decipher progressively:</p><p>“… cleaned the inside of his mouth, the stitches hold on. A few more seconds of that, and they would have popped up. I told you he needed a calm environment, he...”</p><p>Eddie had opened his eyes, and they all noticed, Went, Maggie, Richie, and the doctor, the one who treated him at the hospital. Richie cupped his right cheek with his hand, calling his name softly:</p><p>“Eddie...”</p><p>Eddie attempted to grab his fingers and squeeze them gently, but he could barely move his arms. He let out a worried whine, the doctor answering to his concerns:</p><p>“I had to sedate you. I gave you a heavier dose than I normally would, so that you wouldn’t hurt yourself even further. Your cheek is only starting to heal, this kind of strain, you can’t handle it. Your scar might worsen, or we might have to stitch you up once again, you never know.”</p><p>Eddie moaned fearfully at the man’s words, especially when he mentioned that he had to sedate him. Richie promised him that it wouldn’t happen again. Why did he lie? And where was his mommy?</p><p>“M...Mo…?”</p><p>The doctor raised an eyebrow, visibly confused. Richie whispered something in his ear, that Eddie couldn’t hear. The doctor nodded, smiling gently at Eddie. He sat on the bed next to him, showing him a tube filled with pills, explaining to him:</p><p>“We can’t have you hurt yourself like that whenever you’re dreaming, Eddie. Those pills will ensure that you’ll get a peaceful sleep as soon as you take them. You...”</p><p>Eddie moaned again, attempting to push the drug tube away, failing to do so. He didn’t want to. He didn’t need to take pills, he wasn’t sick, his mommy… Eddie blinked slowly, looking at the tube with a disoriented gaze. Was… Was he ill, actually? He… He had to take his meds, and he needed his inhaler and his mommy, she, she, she took care of him, right? Where was she?</p><p>Eddie tried to suck on his fingers, but he couldn’t even get them near his mouth. His bottom lip was hanging open, too heavy to keep it closed. His whole body, it felt so… so weighty. He called for his mom once again, but she still wasn’t there. Why wasn’t she there? Has he… Has he been a bad boy? Was it his punishment? Was it why his body felt like that?</p><p>Eddie whimpered, and Richie hugged him, shushing him and kissing him on the forehead. At the soft gesture, Eddie calmed down, looking at Richie with a confused stare. He hadn’t realized that the doctor left, giving his last recommendations to Went and Maggie. There was nothing but Richie in his messed up world right now. Richie and his mother’s absence…</p><p>“Mo…?”</p><p>It was hard, managing to say this single syllable. He could feel his lips barely touching each other, pursing to allow him to get the sound out, however garbled it might be. Eddie started to feel drool dripping over his chin, and he couldn’t even wipe it. Did he really care? He wanted his mommy…</p><p>Richie dried his face gently, with a soft tissue, caressing Eddie’s hair:</p><p>“It’s gonna be okay. I’m taking care of you. We’re all there for you. We’ll always be there for you.”</p><p>Eddie felt like he should say something. But he couldn’t. He was only able to call his mom once more, drooling all over the lower part of his face and his blanket again. But Richie was there. Richie was taking care of him. Richie was keeping him safe.</p><p>During the rest of the day, Eddie drifted on and off, trapped in a drowsy state. His family fed him and helped him to the shower, Eddie unable to stand all alone on his own two feet. All the while, he kept trying to call his mom, unable to see her, unable to feel her hands on his skin, to hear her voice answering back. But he wasn’t alone. His family was there. They were there, no matter what. And he didn’t know exactly why, but it made him feel safe. Loved.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah, it got more angsty than I thought it would at the end, sorry &gt;_&lt;. Eddie had too much to process and his brain just gave up. He'll have to accept the idea to take some sleeping pills to keep himself calm whenever he's going to sleep, but it's not going to be easy... Richie and his family will be there to explain it to him and support him, of course c:.</p><p>So, yeah, I didn't want Richie's coming out to his parents to feel too perfect? As much as they're there for their son (sons with Eddie), Maggie and Went are still holding some prejudiced thoughts, that they have to fight against. I based some of their reaction to my own coming out to my mom (although I let out the tired "What do you even want me to say?" when I said it to her, because it was honestly more hurtful than anything else) and other people's coming out too. I hope it feels genuine. </p><p>As strong as Eddie is, he is still deeply traumatized by what he went through and he has to deal with that on top of anything else. Between his anxiety during Richie's coming out and everything else, he couldn't handle it anymore and he regressed, convincing himself that he wasn't loved and that he had no one, but his mom. Which is wrong, of course, but in his current state, he's not quite able to understand it...</p><p>Sorry again for this angsty ending xD. I hope you liked this chapter c:. Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos, if you want to do so. Let me know how angry you are xD. You can also subscribe to this series and this work, of course c:.</p><p>Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 26th chapter of this fanfic! I thought I would never get around writing it, it's so HOT in my country right now, I'm dying x_x. Thankfully, I was able to take a day off, I wouldn't have been able to focus on my work with that temperature... </p><p>Thank you for your support and your kind words c:. Getting to read your comments and know you're still enjoying the story are the highlights of my daily life :D. I hope you're all doing okay and I wish you the best c:.</p><p>With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for mention of abuse<br/>TW for mention of infantilization<br/>TW for mention of ableism</p><p>I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need something to be tagged. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was something slightly surrealist about the fact that they were finally out. That Eddie and Richie didn’t have any more secrets left for their family. For so long, Richie repressed a whole part of himself, scared of being rejected for it. Afraid of losing the people he loved so much over his sexual orientation. But now, they both knew. And even if they didn’t display the almost immediate acceptance that the Losers showed to them, Went and Maggie were trying. And it showed.</p><p>Maggie wanted to be sure that her sons knew how much she loved them. She showered them with more affection than ever, words full of tenderness, hugging them so much that Richie started to wonder if he didn’t spend most of his day in his mother’s arms. He wasn’t complaining… for now. He clearly needed the reassurance, after spending so much of these last years thinking that his family might stop loving him if he ever was truthful to them.</p><p>Went handled things a bit differently. While Richie and Eddie were reading comics in their room, he knocked at the door and came in, ready to have the dreaded <em>talk.  </em></p><p>“Dad, please!” Richie begged, while Eddie was raising an eyebrow, confused by his reaction and the whole situation. “We’re not kids, Eddie and I, we...”</p><p>“I just want to make sure that you’re not acting carelessly. Do you protect yourself correctly?”</p><p>Richie hid his face behind his hands, letting out a groan that made Eddie laugh out loud. He didn’t want to have this conversation. He wasn’t even sure he knew how to answer! They still had so much to learn, to explore, to understand… And it was pretty obvious that his dad didn’t have a clue either. But he was trying…</p><p>“Dad, we’re not doing… whatever you think we’re doing. Don’t even say the word, please, for fuck’s sake!”</p><p>“Richie, it’s important for me to know that you’re both taking this subject seriously. This is not a joking matter, it’s...”</p><p>Richie let out a deep sigh, interrupting his father:</p><p>“We’re taking our time, Dad. I… I have people I can talk to, about this stuff. People who are experienced, some of them being health workers… It’s fine, okay? You don’t need to… to have this awkward talk. We’re fine. I’ll never do anything that could hurt Eddie, and Eddie thinks the same.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, squeezing Richie’s hand gently. It felt weird, knowing that his parents were now aware of the feelings behind their affectionate gestures… A part of him wanted to hide it, to conceal it, but Richie knew he needed to shut down this voice as quickly as possible. He wasn’t in any danger. His parents weren’t going to turn their back on him if he and Eddie shared some tender moments in front of them. Nothing too explicit, of course. The mere thought was enough to make him nauseous…</p><p>“<em>We’re adults. We’re handling it, and we’re keeping ourselves informed. Whenever we feel ready, we’ll make sure to be prepared. Promise.” </em></p><p>Eddie smiled softly, his gauze moving slightly, following his facial expression. Richie was relieved to know that he was healing just fine, after their rocky start. They definitely didn’t think it through, coming out while they were both still shaken up by what happened. Richie had been so terrified that Eddie hurt himself in a way that couldn’t be fixed or that Eddie might get stuck in his regression episode. After all, he remained like this for two whole days, the longest he’d ever been so far.</p><p>It was heartbreaking to hear his boyfriend call for his mom, unable to do the things he usually did, confused to the point that he didn’t even know if he was still supposed to be the fragile asthmatic teenager his mother made him believe he was or the abused autistic young adult, traumatized into compliance.</p><p>At some point, Richie even called Dr. Park, explaining to her the whole situation, feeling dejected that she didn’t have any miracle solution to offer to him, aside from waiting and ensuring that they would keep Eddie in a quiet and reassuring environment. Richie booked an appointment after Eddie’s cheek would be completely healed, both of them knowing that Eddie’s therapy sessions could be quite harsh and emotional. The last thing they needed was for him to let out blood-curling screams and endangering his physical recovery…</p><p>Richie also booked an appointment with his own therapist. He definitely needed to pour his heart out to Dr. Norton and be given some pointers on how he was supposed to handle it all. He had so much to say, since the last time he saw him…</p><p>But right now, Eddie was fine. They stayed at home and shared quiet activities, away from the rest of the world, from the Derry Herald’s reporters who wanted to take a look at their “precious angel” and his scarred face, eager to report Sheriff Bowers’ gruesome death and his son’s arrest. Eddie didn’t need that right now. And Richie neither, to be perfectly honest. He didn’t want to hear Eddie recall what happened to him, to see him spiral into a panic attack and retreat himself in the boy he used to be, protecting himself from the harm he experienced.</p><p>Richie kept himself ready to listen to Eddie whenever he’d feel the need to talk to him, but… but not now. Not when he was still having chills while walking near the bathroom. Not when he found himself waking up in the middle of the night, memories of this dreadful event burned into his mind, his brain providing him with even more gruesome nightmares, featuring Eddie dying in his arms or having his face stabbed so many times that he couldn’t even recognize him anymore.</p><p>Eddie didn’t stir up once when Richie did, knocked out by the drugs in his system. It had been unsettling, having to convince him to take these pills, watching him struggle with the idea that he felt like he was back to square one, back to the meek kid who had to take so many meds because he was supposedly too fragile to handle life itself. The first time he swallowed them, Richie saw fear in Eddie’s eyes. His partner made him promise that he would wake up in their bed, that they wouldn’t have left home and that he wouldn’t be separated from his friends and family, unable to even say goodbye to them. And Richie swore, hugging Eddie until his boyfriend fell asleep.</p><p>Eddie didn’t move or make any of the soft noises he usually did when he was sleeping. He was out like a light, his body so pliant that Richie had been able to move him in a more comfortable position, and Eddie didn’t react in the slightest. Richie was pretty sure that even a stampede wouldn’t be enough to wake Eddie up, and it was a bit freaky to think about. The next morning, Eddie woke up rested, but he remained half-asleep longer than he used to, hazy gaze, thoughts slowed down, and clumsy body.</p><p>Eddie dutifully took his pills whenever he started to feel on the verge of napping during the day and at night as well. Richie was there to bring him a glass of water, so that Eddie wouldn’t have to swallow them dry. And that was part of their new routine, for now. Richie couldn’t wait for Eddie’s full physical recovery and to throw away those dreaded pills. As much as Eddie was willing to take them for his own sake, Richie could see that he hated it. And, truth be told, Richie missed the way Eddie would move and express himself on his sleep, waking up to his boyfriend’s arm and leg wrapping him up like the happy sandwich that he was.</p><p>That’s how they handled things. As best as could. And that’s how they were going to handle their sex life as well, taking the time needed, keeping themselves informed, making sure that they were both ready in many ways before taking the next step.</p><p>Richie hoped that his father understood, that this talk wouldn’t last any longer. It was so weird and awkward, it reminded him of the time his dad saw him touching himself and, after a while, launched himself into a full explanation, squeezing reassuring words here and there. But Richie was a kid at the time, and he wasn’t one anymore. He didn’t need his dad to explain to him the bees and the flowers, certainly not.</p><p>Went cleared his throat, visibly as uneasy as Richie was. Eddie seemed mostly indifferent, having made his point and waiting to go back to his tender moment with his boyfriend, curled up next to him, reading the same comics. Richie couldn’t help but envy how Eddie wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest, even though he knew that it mostly stemmed from his fucked up education.</p><p>Eddie spent so much of his life without being allowed an inkling of modesty and privacy, everyone talking about him as if he couldn’t take part in their conversation, sharing details so intimate as if it was nothing. Went trying to awkwardly talk about their sex life was nothing compared to what Eddie heard and went through already. Eddie never had the <em>talk </em>with his mom, simply because she never thought of him as anything but her precious doll to show off and care for.</p><p>If anything, Eddie was mildly amused by how embarrassed Richie and Went both were, and he didn’t seem to understand why the conversation wasn’t already over. Richie’s father asked them if they were protecting themselves, they said they did, end of the discussion. He opened up their comic book again, grabbing Richie’s sleeve gently to get his attention. Richie smiled at him, caressing his hair:</p><p>“Yeah, don’t worry, we’re gonna finish that. Dad, is that all?”</p><p>“Uh… Yes, that’s all.” Went hesitated for a second, before he added: “You know, I would have had the same talk if you brought back a girlfriend, it’s not because… you know...”</p><p>His father was tiptoeing around the word and Richie, as much as he was trying to be patient and understanding, found himself pretty annoyed:</p><p>“Yeah, I know, Dad. Not because I’m gay. At least, I can’t get Eddie pregnant, so that’s one less thing to worry about, right?”</p><p>“<em>Hey, you never know. There might be mini Richie and Eddie already growing up in there.” </em></p><p>Eddie patted his stomach in an exaggerated affectionate way, before he found himself snorting and chuckling, his laugh getting contagious. Once they calmed down, his father apologized sheepishly, admitting while rubbing his neck nervously:</p><p>“I’m… I’m getting there, Richie. I’m sorry, I just need to rewire some of my mentality, I’m working on it. You deserve both better from me.”</p><p>“<em>It’s fine, Went.” </em></p><p>“No, it’s not, son. Don’t think that it is, please. I’m the one with an issue here. And I’m going to fix it and be the father you deserve to have. I promise.”</p><p>Went ruffled Eddie’s hair, patted Richie’s cheek a bit clumsily, before leaving the room. Richie let out a deep sigh, visibly relieved, a smile creeping up on his face when Eddie whined impatiently, agitating the comic book in his hand:</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, let’s get back into it, you gremlin. I can’t understand why you’re so much into it, it’s garbage.”</p><p>“<em>Richie, what did you expect from a comics named “Batman: Jazz” other than garbage?” </em></p><p>Richie thought about it for a second, before chuckling to himself:</p><p>“Okay, point taken.”</p><p>“<em>See? At least, it’s entertaining garbage. Come on, I want to go back to jacked-up Batman explaining the wonders of Jazz as opposed to… anything else, really.” </em></p><p>Eddie moaned needily, begging Richie to come back so that they could hug and read together. Richie didn’t make him wait any longer. He laid down next to Eddie, taking the comic book from his hands, while Eddie curled up against him, resting his head on Richie’s shoulder. As a reflex, he started to slide his fingers between his lips, but Richie stopped him from doing so, holding his hand and squeezing it gently. Eddie let out a soft “oh”, remembering that he wasn’t supposed to do so at the moment.</p><p>That was also one of the reasons Richie couldn’t wait for Eddie’s cheek to be fully healed. He hated stopping him from stimming in the way he preferred to. Maybe it wasn’t a good habit, but Richie wasn’t one to judge his boyfriend or try to prevent him from doing so if it wasn’t hurtful. Richie apologized softly, kissing Eddie on the top of his head:</p><p>“I promise, once your cheek is healed, you’ll be able to do that as much as you want. I’ll even give you my fingers, if you want to.”</p><p>Richie waved his hand with a grin, earning a chuckle from Eddie. Eddie licked his lips, adding with a wicked smile:</p><p>“<em>Your fingers… or something else.” </em></p><p>Richie found himself at a loss for words, redder than a tomato. He parted his lips, closed them again, a nervous laugh making its way out of his throat. Concerned, Eddie lost his playful expression, cupping Richie’s cheek gently, whining worriedly. Richie forced himself to take a deep breath, trying to calm himself down:</p><p>“Hey, no worries. I just… I wasn’t expecting it. You really want to do it?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, caressing Richie’s face, before curling up once again against him:</p><p>“<em>Yeah. But not if you don’t want to. And we don’t have to do it immediately. I think it would be a good thing if we went to the LGBT center first and ask some questions. I don’t want to hurt you unwillingly.” </em></p><p>“I want to, Eds. And you’re right, no need to rush it up. Liz told me that there were pros working there that could help us. They’re used to questions like the ones we’ll ask them.”</p><p>Eddie nodded once more, kissing Richie’s neck gently, before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>First, I need my cheek to be healed. Then we’ll have to do that and wait for your parents to leave the house. I’m not doing that if Went and Maggie are there. It’s gross.” </em></p><p>Richie grimaced, ruffling Eddie’s hair:</p><p>“Yeah, they definitely don’t need to see that. Ever. But we’re not there yet. Weren’t you the one who wanted to know what was all about Batman’s weird jazz fetish?”</p><p>Eddie moaned eagerly, while Richie was opening up the comic book for them to keep reading it:</p><p>“<em>I don’t even understand the point of making a comic book centered on music. They can describe it all they want as the most beautiful thing ever, we can’t hear it! It’s just weird.” </em></p><p>Richie chuckled, reading and turning the pages while Eddie launched himself into one of his rants, nitpicking on every little thing, groaning audibly, laughing out loud at some of the most outlandish panels.</p><p>Richie loved to see him like that, so vivid and amused, far from the scared boy he went back to whenever he was regressing or the terrified and traumatized adult who was forced to handle far more than he should have. He would give anything so that Eddie would never have to suffer anymore like he did already. With Bowers gone, their secret out, and their family still loving them, maybe they could finally hope for the best?</p><p>When they closed the comic book, Eddie let him know in many words how it was one of the worst Batman stories he ever read, that nothing would probably top that ever and that Batman’s weird body shape would haunt him in his dreams. Amused by his boyfriend’s behavior and angry rant, Richie, as the comic book nerd that he was, felt obligated to add to his fuel:</p><p>“You know, it’s far from the worst thing I’ve ever read. Did you know that there’s an old comic where Lois Lane and Lana Lang are trying to brainwash a “turned-into-a-baby” Superman so that he would marry one of them once he’s back to his original age?”</p><p>Eddie stared at him with his mouth agape, Richie savoring the mix of disgust, disbelief, and pure shock reflected in his eyes. Eddie finally grunted, tapping his forehead lightly to express how despaired he was about the whole thing, letting out a long sigh:</p><p>“<em>Why do I love comics, already?” </em></p><p>“Because some of them are awesome, of course. And because you can read them with me.”</p><p>Richie straightened up, sitting on the bed, spreading his legs so that Eddie could slip his body between them, resting his back and his head against him. Richie closed his arms around his boyfriend, breathing his soft lavender smell lingering from their shower and shampoo. God, he loved Eddie so much. And he could have lost him, just like that…</p><p>“I’m so glad you’re here, Eddie. I love you.”</p><p>Eddie turned slightly towards Richie, signing that he loved him too, a massive smile on his lips. Richie kissed him softly, keeping his tongue in his own mouth, resisting the temptation to push past Eddie’s lips and deepen their kiss. Oh, he missed that too… How Eddie would be so eager to respond, squirming and moaning, looking for his touch as if their kiss wasn’t enough to satisfy his hunger for Richie’s presence. How daring his boyfriend could be, despite how much his mother tried to traumatize him into remaining the innocent kid she thought of him as.</p><p>Eddie was stronger than that, stronger than her, stronger than anything and anyone else. And Richie felt humbled, knowing that he was the one Eddie choose to love. He would do everything he could to be up to the task. The faithful knight to his wonderful prince. Although Eddie made a damn knight in shining armor as well, that was for sure…</p><p>After they parted their lips, Eddie resumed back to his initial position, his hands resting on Richie’s arms who were hugging him so gently, so tenderly. Those were Richie’s favorite moments with his partner. They didn’t feel the need to fill the comfortable silence between them or look for a distraction. They just enjoyed the fact that they were together, their respective touch, getting to hear the other breathing, their heart beating almost in unison.</p><p>Eddie’s gaze was focused on the ceiling, looking at something that Richie couldn’t quite see. He remembered this time Eddie told him that he could sometimes see tiny lights moving and dancing all around, especially when he was in the dark. That he would sometimes relax just observing their movement, like a big galaxy that he was the only one to perceive. Was it what he was looking at, right now?</p><p>Nibbling Eddie’s ear softly, causing him to shiver slightly and let out a weak moan, Richie whispered to his partner, hugging him tightly:</p><p>“Are you watching your stars, Eds?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, smiling widely. Richie remembered how relieved he had been when, after his confession, Richie merely wondered if it didn’t hurt and if it didn’t bother him. Eddie seemed to think that Richie would dismiss it or treat it like a childish lie that he would tell to get some attention. It wasn’t, and Richie knew it. But the fact that Eddie honestly expected Richie to react like that was heartbreaking. How many things he never dared to share, fearing that it might be used against him or that he would only be mocked or dismissed?</p><p>Richie wasn’t sure he understood it all, but Eddie explained it to him as clearly as possible, and Richie didn’t question it for one second. Whether it was an autism thing or something else, it was part of Eddie’s life, and Richie ought to acknowledge it and respect Eddie’s perception of their world. That’s all that matters.</p><p>While he was looking at Eddie’s distracted and fascinated expression, thinking how adorable his boyfriend was, Richie had an idea. He let Eddie know, after kissing him once again:</p><p>“I could close the blinds a little. You’d see it better, right?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, flapping his hands. His expression turned slightly red, and he asked, eyes downcast:</p><p>“<em>Don’t close them entirely, okay? I don’t like being in the dark.” </em></p><p>Richie reassured Eddie, ruffling his hair before getting up from the bed:</p><p>“Don’t worry, Eddie Spaghetti. I didn’t forget it.”</p><p>They never slept with their blinds fully closed. Eddie liked to have some light, whether it was coming from the street lamps or the moon itself. Richie recalled the time where Eddie confessed that his mom would sometimes lock him up in his room, without any light source, because he had been a “bad son”, something she still did from times to times after they moved out from Derry.</p><p>Richie had felt fury creeping out while Eddie had told him how he screamed for his mom to come to get him, begged for a bit of light, terrified by the dark, seeing figures in the shadows. He was always relieved and thankful whenever his mom returned, clutching to her as if she was his lifeline. Richie couldn’t believe how twisted Sonia Kaspbrak was. He wondered if Eddie talked about those things with his therapist. Dr. Park would probably know how to react to it better than Richie would…</p><p>The room was now darker, but Richie made sure that some light could still come from the outside. He joined Eddie on the bed, back to their previous posture, hugging him tightly, just like Eddie loved it. Richie raised his head towards the ceiling, staring at what he couldn’t see, asking his partner:</p><p>“You can see them better now, right?”</p><p>Eddie cooed happily, snuggling against Richie, his eyes following a pattern that Richie wasn’t able to perceive. Enjoying the feeling and Eddie’s visible joy, Richie smiled frankly, kissing Eddie wherever he could in this position.</p><p>“How many stars can you see?”</p><p>Eddie grabbed his lightwriter, typing without even looking, his gaze focused on the ceiling:</p><p>“<em>Too many to count them. It’s a whole galaxy. They’re dancing. It’s beautiful.” </em></p><p>“I bet it is. Can you describe it to me?”</p><p>And Eddie did, typing quickly on his lightwriter. Richie could almost see them, those tiny light dots moving around, waves and waves circling back and forth, floating like specks of dust. Eddie was enthusiastic and eager to talk, delighted to be listened to, to share something no one ever tried to understand before. And Richie was honored that Eddie felt at ease to describe all of that to him, inviting him in his own wonderful world.</p><p>Tightening his hug a bit more, Richie rocked Eddie gently, back and forth, singing his ear:</p><p>“<em>This is Major Eds to Ground Control, you’re stepping through the door</em><br/>
<em> And you’re floating in a most peculiar way<br/>
And the stars look very different today...</em>”</p><p>It was their song, their hymn. That was one of the first things Richie said to Eddie when they properly met, switching the lyrics of Space Oddity as a joke that Eddie clearly didn’t understand at the time. But it slowly became <em>their </em>thing, something they shared and that no one else could really get. Richie loved to sing it to Eddie, witnessing his reaction, his awed expression.</p><p>Richie wasn’t able to see Eddie’s stars, but he believed in their presence and made himself part of his partner’s dreamy journey, singing the beauty of what he could perceive. He knew very well that some people would mock them, that they would dismiss Eddie’s star vision as some kind of “crazy talk” or use it to infantilize him further. Richie would never be one of those people. Never.</p><p>A knock on their door interrupted them, Maggie’s voice asking them if they wanted to join them downstairs to watch a movie on TV.</p><p>Kissing Eddie on his right cheek, Richie waited for his approval before letting his mom know that they were coming, opening up the blinds. Eddie rubbed his eyes, groaning at the sudden increase of the light. Richie apologized gently, caressing Eddie’s hair. Eddie grabbed his hand, leading him out of their bedroom. Richie did his best to avoid looking at the bathroom, feeling a lump in his throat when he found himself unable to. Blood… So much blood...</p><p>Eddie squeezed his hand tenderly, diverting his attention back to him, back to reality. He smiled, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I’m okay. I’m alive. I’m well. And I love you.” </em></p><p>And he was. Eddie was fine. He was alive. He was healing. That was all that matters. They were still there, after everything they went through. Richie took a deep breath, managing to smile as well, before he followed Eddie down the stairs. Maggie and Went were sitting on the couch, leaving them space between them so that they could sit here, in the cocoon that they were forming.</p><p>Richie loved it. It reminded him of those times where he was just a little boy, squished between his parents, watching and quoting movies after movies, to his parents’ delight and slight annoyance from times to times. Richie could be a lot, that was for sure.</p><p>And that’s how they spent the rest of their day, watching “Hook” on TV, a movie that, once again, Eddie hadn’t watched before. Richie launched himself into a Mr. Smee impression at some point, getting his voice eerily close to the actor’s performance. Eddie giggled, appreciating the show, wishing that he could join in the fun. But he accepted that was how things were, that he would most definitely never be able to communicate audibly again, and he didn’t dwell on it for too long, enjoying this moment with his family.</p><p>Went was right next to him, his arm covering Eddie slightly in an awkward hug. Eddie appreciated the feeling. This soft affectionate touch, it meant more than any of the times his mother showered him with smothering hugs, hands that felt intrusive, physical contact unwanted. Eddie knew that Went would retreat his hand if Eddie let him know that he didn’t want that from him. And it means so much to him, knowing that the people in his life respected him and didn’t dismiss his needs, his wants. That they valued him enough to know that he was a whole person who could make his own choices.</p><p>Towards the end of the movie, one of the younger characters uttered this sentence, which ringed truthful to Eddie’s ears. “I wish I had a dad like you”. Frank had been a wonderful father, from how little he could remember it, but he wasn’t there anymore. And his mother had been nothing, but abusive towards him.</p><p>Maggie and Went… They weren’t perfect, but they were there, trying, doing everything they could so that he and Richie could be happy. Maggie and Went were willing to change their mindset rather than trying to mold them into people they weren’t. They would never try to make Eddie go through what his mother forced him to endure, so that he would remain her good little boy forever. No.</p><p>Eddie hugged Went back after this line, a soft whine escaping his lips when he felt his surrogate father kissing the top of his head. Just like his dad would do, showing him his love through soft, special moments… Nothing grand, nothing exaggerated, no need for an audience to witness them. Just love. Love from a father to the young man he now considered his son. Love from a parent who accepted that their children had to grow up, change, and become people they didn’t expect them to be.</p><p>Love. Simply love.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, this chapter was a breather, after the previous chapters I've written c:. I really wanted everyone to get a break and enjoy some nice time together. I really loved writing once again about Eddie's visual snow, I never had the opportunity to talk more about it since the first installment. It's one of those things I never got to share with anyone else. The only time I talked about it to a member of my family, he just stared at me without understanding a thing and moved on. I wanted Eddie to have Richie trying to understand him and support him.</p><p>Also, fun fact: Batman: Jazz is a real comic book, a three-part miniseries honestly quite weird. There are several videos on youtube about it by Linkara, if you want to experience it yourself.</p><p>At first, I wanted them to read one of the most awful comics I've ever laid my eyes on, which was Catwoman: Guardian of Gotham (a comic book with every woman drawn like a porn star posing for the camera at every minute, regardless of realism, an absurd and nonsensical plot and probably the worst Catwoman costume I've got to see), but it was released in 1999, so I couldn't put it in my fanfic. Cut to me thinking waaaay too long about this tiny plot detail, when I could have just remained vague xD.</p><p>Anyway, it was really nice to write a non-angsty chapter for once, I might keep at it for a while, who knows ;) ? Thank you for your support and your kind words, I hope you're all doing fine. Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos if you feel like it, as well as subscribe to this story and series. I can't wait to read what you thought about it c:.</p><p>Take care! See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay. Welcome to the 27th chapter of this fanfic! I don't know how much more chapters I'm going to write for this installment, but I definitely have to start to think about a title for the fourth installment x). </p><p>Thank you for your support and welcome to any new reader! I'm always happy to read your words and see what you thought about the story so far. It helps a lot!</p><p>Anyway, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for mention of self-harm<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for mention of homophobia</p><p>I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie knew that it would probably be better for him if he stayed home for the rest of his healing process, but he really needed an out right now. To step out from his daily life a little, forget what was currently part of his routine. He had one of his bad days yesterday, getting irrationally angry when Richie gave him the sleeping pills he was supposed to swallow, throwing the tube away and hitting himself afterward when a bit of its content spilled out on the floor.</p><p>He didn’t know why he did that, exactly. But he did, and he felt ashamed. Eddie knew that it was for his own good, so that he wouldn’t have nightmares and risk screaming and/or hurting himself in his sleep, endangering his recovery, but he couldn’t help it. Seeing the pills, it reminded him of his mother and the way he used to rely on his meds constantly, thinking that he was too fragile to do anything, besides staying with his mom. And he didn’t want to go back to this Eddie. Never.</p><p>As always, Richie had been thoughtful and patient, calming his partner, grabbing the tube and cleaning his mess, as if Eddie hadn’t just been an ungrateful brat, unable to process that it was necessary for him to take them, that he didn’t have to react that way. It’s okay, Richie told him. You didn’t mean it, he added. I understand. That’s what Eddie needed to hear, much more than anything else. That Richie understood.</p><p>Eddie took his pills this night, feeling awfully ashamed, finding rest and comfort in Richie’s tender hug. Waking up today, he couldn’t bring himself to look at his meds, and the thought kept harassing him, preventing him from relaxing, making him terribly nervous. That’s why he suggested to Richie, a bit shyly:</p><p>“<em>We could go to the tea room we’re always going to, in Bangor. We could even call Mike, I’m sure he could use the distraction too.” </em></p><p>Richie slightly grimaced at his offer, looking at him with a serious gaze:</p><p>“You’re sure? We could wait a few days more, your stitches will be gone and...”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He typed on his lightwriter, focused on what he was doing:</p><p>“<em>I need some distraction. I’m on edge, and I can’t distract myself here. I keep thinking about yesterday.” </em></p><p>“Eds, it’s fine, I assure you. It happens, you were pissed off, it’s not...”</p><p>“<em>Richie, please.” </em></p><p>Despite his initial worry, Richie didn’t need a lot of convincing to agree. He probably needed to leave the house too. Eddie clearly noticed that Richie was still tensing whenever they were walking next to the bathroom, and if his own sleep was forcefully peaceful, Richie was often waking up with dark circles under his eyes and traces of dried tears on his cheeks. And Eddie couldn’t do anything about it, which made everything even more frustrating.</p><p>Richie called Mike, while Eddie sent a text message to Maggie, letting her know where they were going. She just started her job, and she wasn’t home right now. Eddie didn’t want her to come back and worry needlessly about them, when they just wanted to have some fun outside. Eddie would feel horribly guilty if Maggie started to panic and relive those terrible moments when she truly thought that she was losing him. She didn’t deserve that.</p><p>Richie grabbed him from behind, nibbling gently on his ear. Eddie let out a soft moan, his partner chuckling at his reaction. Richie kissed him on the top of his head, informing him that Mike agreed and that he would be there in a few moments. Enough for them to prepare their stuff. Richie took what he needed to clean Eddie’s wound and replace his bandages, as well as his lightwriter charger, just in case it proved itself necessary. Eddie appreciated how thoughtful Richie always was. It meant a lot, especially given that his hyperactivity could sometimes make him quite forgetful.</p><p>That was a clear effort that he was making, and it was for Eddie’s sake. Eddie kissed him, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Thank you for thinking about me.” </em></p><p>Richie smiled at his words, ruffling Eddie’s hair:</p><p>“Of course, how could I even stop thinking about you? You’re in every single one of my thoughts, Eddie Spaghetti. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to know some of them, if you get my drift...”</p><p>Richie grinned cockily, and Eddie rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, playing on the same field:</p><p>“<em>Please, you really think you could shock me? If you only knew what I can think about you...” </em></p><p>Eddie licked his lips, imitating his partner’s grin. Richie’s cheeks got slightly red, while he let out in a squeaky voice:</p><p>“Ah? Really?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, amused by Richie’s evident embarrassment. But he wasn’t going to share that, no, no. Not until he was completely recovered anyway. Eddie had a lot of things he wanted to experiment with Richie, if his partner was comfortable with it, of course. Eddie would never do anything that might make Richie feel uneasy, not on purpose. But he was curious about a lot of things and eager to try.</p><p>“<em>I’m not going to tell you, though. I’m not sure Mike would appreciate us greeting him with visible boners.” </em></p><p>“Hey, you don’t know what he’s into! I’m telling you, he probably had a wicked porn stash in the library, that you didn’t even know about...”</p><p>Eddie put his index finger on Richie’s lips, shutting him up. He typed on his lightwriter, a concerned expression on his face:</p><p>“<em>Maybe we should avoid this topic in particular. I don’t think Mike needs the reminder.” </em></p><p>Richie rubbed his neck, an apologetic expression on his face.</p><p>“Yeah, you’re right. I’ll keep my motormouth under control, I swear. I don’t want to upset Mike. We’re supposed to have a good time, after all.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, smiling gently, caressing Richie’s cheek in a tender gesture. He loved how caring they got to be for each other. How affectionate they could be. And now, they weren’t scared anymore to raise Maggie and Went’s suspicion. Well, they still didn’t want Richie’s parents to see them in their most intimate moments, of course, but that was a pretty standard thought to have, not something to constantly stress about…</p><p>Eddie was aware that it didn’t mean that Richie would feel more comfortable displaying their relationship in a public setting, and he accepted it. They needed to be careful, anyway. There were plenty of Bowers in this world, people who would hate them immediately if they figured out the nature of their relationship and would be willing to hurt them in many ways. Eddie didn’t want to put Richie through that ever again. Not if he could avoid it.</p><p>Of course, it would be nice if they could just kiss each other whenever they wanted. Patty and Stan or Bev and Ben never had to worry about that. But that’s how the world was, and Eddie couldn’t do much about it, for now. He could make sure that he and Richie have a good time together and, whenever they felt safe to do so, showing him his love in any way they were both okay with.</p><p>“Eddie?”</p><p>Richie poked him softly on the temple, causing Eddie to stop zoning out. Eddie raised his head towards his partner, an interrogative “Uh?” slipping past his lips. Richie was holding his plush, showing it to him:</p><p>“Do you want to take it?”</p><p>Eddie didn’t hesitate much before nodding, relieved that Richie’s face wasn’t showing any traces of judgment towards his decision. Maybe he wouldn’t even need to pull it out of their bag, but it was reassuring, knowing that his teddy bear was there, within easy reach. He still felt the need to ask, avoiding Richie’s stare:</p><p>“<em>You don’t think it’s stupid, right? I mean… I’m a grown-up, and … you know...” </em></p><p>Richie cupped his face between his hands, looking at him with a gaze full of love and understanding:</p><p>“It’s not stupid, Eddie Spaghetti. It helps. Trust me, if having a dildo in our bag allowed you to feel relaxed, I would definitely put tons of them in there.”</p><p>Eddie groaned at his words and flicked Richie on the forehead, pouting exaggeratedly:</p><p>“<em>You can never be serious for more than one second, right?” </em></p><p>“That’s my curse, Eds. Hey, there’s no deceit here, you clearly knew what you were getting into when you decided to kiss me.”</p><p>“<em>I was drowning. My brain was not fully functioning. Bad decision on my part.” </em></p><p>Richie gasped theatrically at his words, and Eddie laughed, kissing him immediately afterward.</p><p>“<em>But I’m not drowning right now and look at what I’m doing. Best decision I’ve ever made.” </em></p><p>Eddie would never regret taking the first step in their relationship, although it had been quite impulsive. Richie needed him to be obvious to honestly believe that Eddie could love him, and Eddie didn’t have the words to express his feelings. He did try to confess earlier, but Richie didn’t get it, and he was still cringing, thinking about it.</p><p>It wasn’t perfect, but Eddie didn’t want it to be. He was okay with Richie’s defaults, and he was ready to deal with the difficulties they encountered. He wasn’t flawless either, and he had his own issues that they had to work with. It wasn’t one-sided, not in any way. They were aware of that, doing their best to communicate and make sure none of them felt forced to do anything they didn’t want to. It didn’t prevent them from arguing here and there, but they were working on it. They wanted to.</p><p>Right when they finished preparing their stuff, Mike arrived, ringing the doorbell. Eddie immediately threw himself at his friend, wrapping him in a warm embrace. Even if his memories of what happened after Bowers attacked him were confused, he knew how much Mike had been helpful and supportive. Without him, Eddie wasn’t sure Richie and Maggie would have been able to pull themselves together…</p><p>“Hey, Eddie, it’s good to see you.” Mike hugged him a bit more, before taking a step back, looking at his bandaged cheek. “Is it healing well?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, while Richie got closer, putting his hand on his shoulder:</p><p>“Yeah, Eddie’s taking it like a champ. A few days more, and we’ll finally be able to admire his pretty face without the gauze covering some of it. I can’t wait to kiss his scar without fearing to stuck my lips into one of his stitches.”</p><p>Eddie grimaced at the idea, shivering slightly:</p><p>“<em>Gross, so gross!” </em></p><p>“We would be stuck to each other for the rest of our life. I would spend eternity kissing you. Hey, it wouldn’t be so bad, after all. Let me try...”</p><p>Richie pretended to reach for his bandage, and Eddie ducked, groaning and muttering unintelligible words under his breath. He focused on putting on his shoes and tying his shoelaces, while Richie and Mike were discussing, waiting patiently for him to get ready.</p><p>Eddie often felt frustrated with his issues when it came to fine motor skills. He had always been clumsy, but his mother’s treatment made everything worse, and he wasn’t sure he would ever truly get better with this kind of stuff. </p><p>He had been so utterly convinced that he couldn’t do anything on his own that his body didn’t obey his prompts properly, waiting for someone to do it for him. But Eddie didn’t want to have to rely on Richie for everything. Even if it was difficult and frustrating, he would do it.</p><p>He finally managed to tie his shoes and let out a relieved sigh. Richie held out his hand towards him, a proud smile on his face. Eddie was grateful that he never felt the need to praise him too much whenever he managed to do something like that. He remembered how his mother and his therapist used to shower him with compliments when he obeyed them, doing something as simple as touching his nose when they asked him to or tapping on a red card, and it left a bad taste in his mouth.</p><p>But Richie didn’t do any of that. He was reassuring him whenever Eddie was doubting, but he wasn’t trying to amplify exaggeratedly what he was doing. Tying his shoes on his own, even if it wasn’t an easy feat for him, it was just part of his life. Nothing worth congratulating as if Eddie had just climbed the Everest or whatnot…</p><p>Mike was the one who was driving them to Bangor. Eddie insisted that Richie sit in front of the car, telling him that he was fine with being on his own in the back. No, he wasn’t going to put his fingers in his mouth. Yes, really, he was okay with that. Eddie sighed, patting Richie on the top of his head:</p><p>“<em>Beep Beep, Richie. You’re my boyfriend, not my parent. Can you tone down your overbearing side a little?” </em></p><p>Richie laughed awkwardly, giving a quick look to Mike, who clearly showed that he agreed with Eddie, before nodding and apologizing:</p><p>“Yeah, you’re right. My bad. If you think you’ll be fine, then I’m trusting you.”</p><p>“<em>Thank you. Now, get in the car, put on your seatbelt, and don’t annoy Mike while he’s driving.” </em></p><p>“Aye, aye captain! … Hey, why are you allowed to nag me, and I can’t?”</p><p>Eddie shrugged, a cheeky grin on his lips. Mike took this opportunity to tease Richie, telling him while he was sitting in his car:</p><p>“Because he’s a responsible adult, and you’re not.”</p><p>“Hey! E tu, Brute?”</p><p>Eddie chuckled. He sat behind Richie, putting his hand on his shoulder. Richie contorted himself to kiss his fingers, winking at him. Eddie winked back, before fastening his seatbelt and pulling out his plush from their bag, hugging it tightly. It was the first time since he came back from the hospital that he was leaving their house. He hoped that no one would recognize them…</p><p>Eddie didn’t know how much his story had been mediatized, if people knew who he was, but he hoped that it wasn’t the case, past Derry. He just wanted to have a nice time, away from his daily life. If he could be allowed to forget about all of that for a while, it would be great…</p><p>Using one arm to hug his plush, he flapped the other, observing how his long sleeve would follow the motion. Once again, Eddie was wearing a hoodie belonging to Richie, way too long for him, but definitely comforting and reassuring. He couldn’t imagine leaving the house without doing so, it was part of his routine now. It was like Richie was hugging him permanently, and that’s what he needed, especially now, after everything that happened.</p><p>Mike put on some music, keeping the volume low so that Eddie wouldn’t get overwhelmed, and Richie sang over it, visibly enthusiastic about the whole thing. Richie really needed a change of scenery, Eddie could see that. And it was the same for him. Eddie rested his head against the window, looking at the outside world. He remembered being a kid and thinking that he would never be able to explore it. That his fragile health would always make it impossible for him.</p><p>But it wasn’t the case. Eddie could do so much more than he thought initially. He was looking forward to their Disney World trip, something they still had to discuss properly, and he was also impatient to be able to move out. A new town, new people to meet, a whole new life without having to rely on Richie’s parents constantly…</p><p>As much as Eddie loved Went and Maggie, he was really looking forward to it. He wanted to prove to himself that he could do it. That they would be able to live together, all three of them, away from Derry, away from this shitty town and everything they had to go through there.</p><p>Eddie was going to do his best to contribute and not be a bother. If he couldn’t work, he’d take care of their flat and keep it tidied and clean. He wasn’t going to slack off and let Mike and Richie deal with every little thing in their daily life. Eddie was determined to help, however he could. Eddie hummed happily, rocking slightly on his seat. Yeah, it was going to be awesome…</p><p>When they arrived in Bangor, Richie stretched out his limbs, relieved to be able to leave the car. Eddie came to him, a big smile on his lips, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>See? I told you that I could handle it.” </em></p><p>“Yeah, I know, Eds. You’re always right, Eddie Spaghetti.”</p><p>Eddie raised his chin at Richie’s words, and Richie chuckled, patting his head:</p><p>“Don’t get too cocky, though. You’re still my tiny angry gremlin, if I want to German suplex you, I can do it easily.”</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow, slightly confused, and Mike explained in a few words:</p><p>“It’s a wrestling technique. And no, Richie’s never going to do that, because that’s extremely dangerous. Right?”</p><p>“I’m stupid, not reckless! Wait, maybe the opposite… Who cares. I can still put my Eddie Spaghettiny over my shoulder whenever I want.”</p><p>Eddie groaned, trying to flick Richie on the nose:</p><p>“<em>Not tiny!” </em></p><p>“Yes, you are. My tiny cutie pie.”</p><p>Richie patted him once again on the head, and Eddie whined protestingly, about to use his lightwriter to rant angrily about Richie’s nicknames. Mike stopped him from doing so, calming them as usual:</p><p>“Guys, let’s relax. We don’t want to attract any attention, right? Richie, stop calling Eddie tiny.”</p><p>“Yessir!”</p><p>Eddie stuck out his tongue at Richie, who did the same with a cheeky expression on his face. Soon enough, they were laughing, and Eddie couldn’t remain angry. He wasn’t really, he just didn’t like to be reminded that he was small. If only he could be as tall as Richie… But that’s not how things were, unfortunately.</p><p>Richie put his arm over Eddie’s shoulder, keeping him close in a tight embrace. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, after all… Eddie let himself be guided, following Mike and Richie to their usual tearoom. Eddie saluted them politely, raising an eyebrow when the staff led them to another room than the one they were usually eating in.</p><p>The waiter who was taking care of them introduced himself, explaining them the special treatment:</p><p>“We thought you might like some privacy and a quiet place, after what happened. We’re usually using this room when we get overcrowded, so you won’t risk being bothered here. Let me know if you need anything. There’s a bathroom there, if you need it, and if you ever start to feel distressed, don’t hesitate to tell us, and we’ll see what we can do.”</p><p>The young man faced Eddie, letting him know with a soft smile:</p><p>“My brother is autistic too. I don’t know what I would do if he ever had to go through what you experienced. I’m honestly glad that you’re still there, alive and well.”</p><p>He gave them their menus, pointing some stuff to Eddie:</p><p>“Those should be safe for you to eat, even with your wound. You should probably avoid this drink, it’s acidic, and it might be painful. Take all the time you need.”</p><p>The waiter took off, Eddie too surprised to even say a single word. Richie and Mike seemed just as confused, clearly not expecting this kind of treatment.</p><p>“Well… We’re definitely coming back here more often.” Richie took a look at his menu, squeezing Eddie’s hand under the table. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, trying to put some order in his thoughts. First, he had the confirmation that some people could recognize him and that they knew what happened to him. And now, they accommodated him, without any hesitation, as if it was the most normal thing in the world? He even talked to him directly, it was…</p><p>“<em>I’m </em> … <em>  I’m processing. It’s very nice of them.” </em></p><p>“I think we should tip him. He deserves it.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, approving Mike’s words. The guy definitely knew about what happened, but he stayed discreet and didn’t ask any intrusive questions. Eddie didn’t know if he would have been able to handle it, otherwise… He wanted to be here to forget about what happened, not to relive it constantly.</p><p>They were the only ones in this room, and they could talk and act however they wanted, no one would bother them, no one would look at them. Eddie could stim as much as he needed, not feeling self-conscious about it. And their waiter was so nice to them. He was genuinely impressed with Eddie’s lightwriter, taking some references to see if he could order the same for his brother. He waited patiently for him to make his choice, not showing any signs of frustration despite Eddie struggling to make a decision.</p><p>And he always talked to him whenever he had to, not to Richie or Mike as some people tended to do. The waiter trusted him to understand his words and communicate with him, and it meant a lot to Eddie. When they finished giving their order, and the guy left their table, Eddie hummed happily, flapping his hands. It shouldn’t be exceptional that he was being treated decently, but it was. And Eddie appreciated it. A lot.</p><p>Richie caressed his cheek tenderly, appreciating what he could see. They definitely made the right choice, leaving the house for a while and coming here. It was just what they needed. Seeing Eddie so joyful, it was just perfect. Richie couldn’t ask for more.</p><p>Eddie started to feel his cheek stinging a little, while their drinks and pastries were served, and he pulled on Richie’s sleeve, getting his attention:</p><p>“<em>I need to change my bandage.” </em></p><p>“Oh, yeah, sure, let me help you. We’re coming back quickly, Mike!”</p><p>Mike nodded, telling them to take the time they needed. Eddie followed Richie to the bathroom, his back against the wall while Richie was cautiously taking care of his wound.</p><p>“Let me know if I’m hurting you, okay?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, but it was fine. Richie was careful, and his cheek was almost completely healed. Most of his stitches vanished on their own, and they’d get what was left to be taken off by the doctor, at the hospital. After that, Eddie would be able to leave all of that behind him. He couldn’t wait for that to happen…</p><p>“I had an idea, tell me if you disagree...”</p><p>Curious, Eddie let out an interrogative noise, encouraging Richie to share his thoughts:</p><p>“I was thinking that we could invite Mike to our trip to Disney World. When you’ll be healed and after giving your testimony to the police, of course. I think he could use the distraction and it might be a good way to test the waters, see if we could make good roommates.”</p><p>Richie sighed softly, putting a new gauze on Eddie’s cheek:</p><p>“I know that it was supposed to be <em> our  </em>thing, but Mike is our friend and...”</p><p>“<em>I’m okay with it. I think it will be fun. And we could still have our hotel room and have our fun there, away from Mike. Discreetly, of course.” </em></p><p>Richie chuckled at Eddie’s words, kissing him quickly on the lips:</p><p>“You kinky bastard. So, that’s a yes?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, smiling widely. Of course, he would be happy to spend his first real vacation with his friend! And Mike would love it, for sure! They would get away from Derry for a while, and they could also start to plan their move out. They just needed to prepare that carefully… Eddie didn’t deal well with unexpected stuff, and he didn’t want to risk ruining their trip because of that.</p><p>“Okay, let’s discuss that with Mike.”</p><p>Richie took Eddie’s hand, leading him back to their table. When they announced him what they talked about, Mike seemed embarrassed, telling them that they didn’t have to do that, that it was nice of them, but that they deserved their time together.</p><p>“Nonsense, Mikey Mike. We would be even happier if we could spend that moment with you. It’s Eddie’s first time, and he’d gladly share that with you! Well, he doesn’t want to share every single one of his first times with you, but...”</p><p>Eddie hit Richie lightly on the arm, grumbling and rolling his eyes. Mike laughed at their antics, playing with his food:</p><p>“It’s really nice of you, but I don’t want to intrude.”</p><p>“If you’re having issues with money, we could...”</p><p>“No, no, it’s fine! I’m just...”</p><p>Mike sighed, fiddling with his spoon:</p><p>“I just don’t want to bother you.”</p><p>“And that’s not going to be the case!”</p><p>Richie grabbed Mike’s free hand, squeezing it gently:</p><p>“We both agreed. You’re our friend, we want to spend this time with you.”</p><p>Eddie nodded enthusiastically, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Besides, I need you to keep Richie under control, he’s going to run everywhere, and I’m gonna lose him.” </em></p><p>“Not true! What do you think I am, some kind of sugar-high kid?”</p><p>Eddie pointed at Richie’s dish, which was filled to the brim with pastries that would make a diabetic faint, just looking at it.</p><p>“… Okay, point taken. Still, I definitely have some impulse control. Somewhere, deep, deep inside of me.”</p><p>Eddie expressed his skepticism exaggeratedly, causing Richie to laugh at his face. Mike smiled at their dynamic, finally relenting:</p><p>“Fine, I’ll come with you. But I’m having my own room. Last time I slept with Eddie, I couldn’t feel my right arm when I woke up.”</p><p>“Yeah, he’s a clingy little shit, sometimes.”</p><p>Eddie gasped at Richie’s words, groaning and trying to let him know how offended he was. But he calmed down quickly, helped by the delicious smell, and how hungry and thirsty he was. While they were eating and drinking, they proceeded to plan their trip, talking about what they wanted to do, how they would go there, what they could see besides Disney World.</p><p>Eddie was involved in the conversation as well, Richie and Mike waiting for his input and making sure that he felt comfortable with everything they suggested. It felt so good, being included, his opinions valued. That’s all Eddie ever needed. That’s all he ever wanted.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I actually started to write a whole page about the meltdown I'm mentioning at the beginning of the chapter, but then I was like "Fuck it, I just want to write a wholesome chapter" and I just scrapped it out. So, yeah, Mike, Richie and Eddie are just having a good time and they're getting the accommodation Eddie needs, without a fuss. It's always so awesome whenever I get accommodated without people making a big deal about it. I hate it when I mention my disability and people start to treat me like I can't understand them or they start talking to the person with me...</p><p>I really wanted Eddie to have a good time, so that's how it is c:. They're also starting to plan their  trip and their move out. I hadn't planned to bring Mike along for the Disney world trip, but in the end, it seemed appropriate. They'll get to have a nice time there and Mike won't be left alone to deal with everything else. </p><p>I don't know when we'll get to it, but it shouldn't be too long, I think c:.</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos if you feel like it! You can also subscribe to this story and this series, so that you'll be warned whenever I'll post the new installment. </p><p>I'm also on tumblr, you can check out Reddie-4-more, I just wrote a little thing based on a request I received (basically Eddie experiencing a meltdown during high school and Richie comforting him). If you have any requests, don't hesitate to let me know and I'll see what I can do. Here's the link: http://reddie-4-more.tumblr.com/</p><p>Thank you again. Have a nice day, see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 28th chapter! I hope you're doing fine. I'm myself okay, I had a great time writing the previous chapters and this one, I just love when I get to write some fluff :D. Thank you for your support and your kind words, it's always appreciated!</p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for sexual content<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for internalized homophobia</p><p>I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Richie couldn’t stop kissing Eddie’s cheek, not even for a minute. His partner was squirming under his touch, split between chuckles and exaggerated annoyance. He was slightly flushed and didn’t make a move to stop Richie, clearly enjoying every second of it. Richie didn’t know how much he truly missed seeing and touching Eddie’s left cheek until he had finally been allowed to do so.</p><p>This morning, Richie drove Eddie to the hospital so that the doctor would remove his stitches. The man had been reassuring and kind, managing to keep Eddie calm in a process that could have been pretty complicated otherwise. Removing stitches wasn’t usually painful, but Eddie’s autism had to be taken into account. His sensitivities could flare up and cause him to flail and wail, making the process more difficult and risking to compromise his full recovery.</p><p>The doctor was aware of that and made sure to distract Eddie from the tugging feeling that he could experience, getting him to talk about his favorite western movies. Eddie had been more than happy to type on his lightwriter everything he could think of, using one hand to do so, the other squeezed gently by Richie, who insisted on staying by his boyfriend’s side, even though the whole thing was clearly making him feel squeamish.</p><p>He kept being scared that the doctor might tug too harshly and hurt Eddie in the process, but it wasn’t the case. Sooner than later, the whole thing had been finished, and they were both free to go back home, after having listened carefully to the doctor’s recommendations for the next few days, to avoid possible infection.</p><p>Richie’s parents were both working, which meant that he and Eddie had the whole house just for them. The first thing Richie did was cooking one of Eddie’s favorite dishes, smiling at his joyful and delighted expression, the way he clapped his hands and bounced on the balls of his feet. After spending the last few days eating mostly liquid or mashed food, Eddie was visibly overjoyed to be able to taste something solid, closing his teeth eagerly on the tender meat, humming happily.</p><p>Honestly, Richie could have just spent the whole meal admiring Eddie stuffing himself. There was nothing he adored more than to see his partner enjoying the simple pleasures that life could give. A few months earlier, Eddie wouldn’t even have dared to touch his fork without Richie explicitly allowing him to do so, and his organism, fragilized by various diets, couldn’t have handled so much food either. Getting to witness Eddie’s joy was a gift in itself, and Richie would never get tired of it.</p><p>He still ate as well, Eddie insisting that he did once he noticed that Richie didn’t even touch his plate, losing himself while staring at his partner. No matter what, Eddie cared about him, and that was also a lovely thing to think about. After that, Richie led Eddie to their room, and they laid down on the bed, entangling their limbs in a tight hug.</p><p>Of course, Richie just had to kiss Eddie’s scarred cheek. He wanted nothing more than to get this honor, putting his lips on the token of his boyfriend’s courage and survival. This scar, it meant that Eddie was still <em> here,  </em>no matter what. A knife in his cheek hadn’t been enough to take him down, no. Eddie, brave Eddie, pulled the blade from his own skin and managed to defeat Henry Bowers, against all the odds. </p><p>Eddie was alive. He was well. And now, Richie could kiss him, without fearing to hurt him in the process. And that’s what he did, worshiping the scarred skin of his partner, kissing it again and again, Eddie chuckling helplessly while Richie was doing so.</p><p>“Iiie...”</p><p>Eddie giggled, managing to get away from Richie’s lips, cupping his face between his hands, caressing the skin:</p><p>“What, Eddie Spaghetti? I haven’t kissed it enough yet! Can’t you hear your cheek screaming for me to keep going? Come on, let me...”</p><p>Eddie always knew how to shut him up, in a way that Richie actually appreciated. Soon enough, their lips were meeting, Richie closing his eyes in the process. He felt Eddie’s tongue poking out, and he invited it in, parting his lips open, losing himself in the feeling. It had only been a few days, but, gosh, how much Richie missed this! He felt almost desperate, small noises escaping from his throat, his hands caressing Eddie’s body however he could. </p><p>If only he didn’t have to breathe… Soon enough, they were forced to stop, Eddie inhaling deeply, his gaze filled with passion meeting briefly Richie’s. It shouldn’t be legal, having such beautiful doe eyes! Richie could feel his brain juice oozing from every pore of his body, just looking at them. How could he resist? How could anyone resist such a gaze? Richie was definitely cursed, and that wasn’t a spell he wanted to break.</p><p>A wet feeling in his neck stopped him dead in his thoughts. Eddie just started kissing him there, gentle touches, again and again. Richie was the one to squirm this time, whispering with a ragged voice:</p><p>“E… Eds...”</p><p>Eddie shushed him softly, straightening up and putting his index finger on Richie’s lips, smirking at his awed expression. Then, he went back to what he was doing, kissing again and again, while Richie was caressing his hair, shivering slightly under his touch. God, Eddie was going to kill him… Richie could feel himself getting feverish, his breathing turning into uneven panting, a single thought occupying his mind: want, want, want. He wanted Eddie. He wanted him so much. </p><p>And Eddie gave, as if the world was about to crumble down, and it was the last thing he could do. He was slowly descending, going from kissing Richie’s neck to his collarbone, pulling clumsily on his shirt to get to touch the skin. Richie had to stop him when he heard a slight crack coming from the tissue, unable to repress a laugh.</p><p>“Wait, Eds, I actually like this shirt! Just lemme...”</p><p>Richie just started to pull on his shirt when Eddie’s hands took over, taking it off. Richie let out a soft “oh”, before doing the same thing for Eddie, his gestures full of care and affection. Once they were both shirtless, they took the time to admire each other, Richie cupping Eddie’s scarred cheek with tenderness, his boyfriend licking his lips in an oh so tempting motion. God…</p><p>“You’re killing me, Eds. Figuratively!” Richie felt the need to add so, seeing Eddie’s expression full of incomprehension and a beginning of concern. “You’re just… Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”</p><p>Eddie grabbed his lightwriter, typing quickly, clearly flushed:</p><p>“<em>You’re beautiful too. I want to kiss you everywhere.” </em></p><p>“Everywhere? Really? Even my armpit? So kinky!”</p><p>Richie couldn’t help it, grinning at Eddie’s eye-roll and sigh, his bemused expression turning into a wonderstruck face when his partner took his hand in his, putting his lips on the skin. Richie’s fingers twitched slightly, while Eddie kept on kissing him, all over his arm. His teeth scraped his shoulder slightly, and Richie felt himself shivering, breath stuck in his throat. Finally, Eddie went back to what he was doing previously, kissing Richie’s neck again and again, pushing him gently and getting him to lie on the mattress, straddling him.</p><p>Richie could feel his inner thighs burning with desire, parting his legs slightly, feeling constricted in his jeans. He whispered Eddie’s name, caressing his back, again and again. Eddie was rubbing himself against Richie’s body, his hips going back and forth in a movement that he didn’t seem to be totally in control of.</p><p>Despite the barrier of their remaining clothes, Richie could feel Eddie’s bulge, moaning at the thought. Meanwhile, Eddie kept on kissing him feverishly, getting more and more eager, more and more excited. Richie felt like he was on fire, his mind going nowhere and everywhere at the same time, his hands aiming to please. His fingers slowly slipped from Eddie’s back to his chest, brushing his nipples tentatively.</p><p>Eddie keened at the touch, his rubbing getting more intense. It was probably hurting, between his underwear and his pants, but it didn’t seem to make him want to stop, on the contrary. His face was getting red, and his breathing turned into a wheezing, soon unable to keep on kissing his partner everywhere.</p><p>Getting carried away, Richie pinched Eddie’s nipples, not expecting to see him react so overtly. Letting out a loud moan, Eddie threw his head back, and his hips twitched for a short moment before he had to put his hands on Richie’s chest, catching his breath. Richie couldn’t stop looking at his face, the way he was biting his bottom lip, his gaze slightly glassy:</p><p>“H… Holy shit, Eds…”</p><p>His words seemed to cause Eddie to come down from his afterglow quite quickly, his ecstatic expression turning into shame when he realized that he just came in his pants, because Richie touched his nipples. Turning red, Eddie immediately stopped straddling his partner, curling up and hiding his face behind his hands, a long and embarrassed whine making its way out of his throat. Despite his own arousal, Richie quickly straightened up, shushing Eddie gently, not wanting him to blow this out of proportion:</p><p>“Hey, hey Eddie, it’s fine. It’s okay. I… uh… I’m kinda proud that I managed to make you feel like that, to be honest. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. I swear.”</p><p>Eddie didn’t stop whining, and Richie could see that he was starting to dig his nails in his skin. He took his hands in his, moving them up and down slowly so that he would be able to soothe his partner, a tender smile on his lips.</p><p>“I love to see you so excited and flushed, Eddie. I love hearing you moan and the way you’re twitching while you’re coming. I love all of that and all of you. You don’t have to...”</p><p>Eddie shook his head, whining protestingly. Richie released his hands, allowing him to reach for his lightwriter and type, still shaking slightly:</p><p>“<em>No! Too quick! You didn’t come.” </em></p><p>Eddie pressed his legs together, and he grimaced, adding with a disgusted noise:</p><p>“<em>Gross. Feel so gross.” </em></p><p>Richie caressed Eddie’s face, inviting his boyfriend to look at him. He smiled reassuringly to him, asking in a gentle voice:</p><p>“Should I take your pants and underwear off?”</p><p>Eddie didn’t hesitate for long, nodding almost immediately. Richie slid what remained of his clothes off, noticing Eddie’s clear relief as soon as he took off his wet underwear. His partner didn’t dare to look at him while Richie was doing so, clearly embarrassed. But he didn’t have to. Richie was glad to take care of him, and he wasn’t expecting him to act like a porn star. Richie wasn’t one either.</p><p>And, to be honest, he was close to cum too, just from feeling Eddie rubbing himself like he did against him, using his body in a way Richie was really eager to consent to. Taking off his glasses, Richie cleaned them with his discarded shirt, while Eddie was looking at him, putting his fingers between his lips and sucking on them.</p><p>Richie could really see how much this stim was appeasing Eddie, his whining getting quieter by the second, his shivering losing its intensity as well. He was relieved that his boyfriend was allowed to do so again, knowing how much he missed it while he had to wait for his cheek to heal completely. </p><p>As soon as he put his glasses on, Richie noticed that Eddie’s stare was locked on his own crotch. Despite the fact that he was less excited, his cock was still half-hardened, something that Eddie clearly noticed.</p><p>Taking off his fingers from his lips, Eddie reached for a tissue to wipe them, before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I want to touch you.” </em></p><p>Richie flushed at Eddie’s words. He took a quick look at his alarm clock, making sure that they still had plenty of time before his parents went home. The last thing he wanted was for his mom or his dad to see them like that… He wasn’t even sure he could get himself to kiss Eddie in front of them, without cringing and fearing their reaction.</p><p>No, Richie didn’t want to think about his parents. He only needed one quick look at Eddie for his thoughts to focus on his partner, how pretty and unbashful he was, now that he was fully naked, his “nasty” clothes away from his body. His cock was now flaccid and probably hypersensitive. Richie knew better than to attempt to touch it when Eddie was in this state. The last thing he wanted was to cause him a sensory overload, not when they were having such a lovely time together…</p><p>“Iiie...”</p><p>Eddie tried to call his name, in this way that made Richie’s heart beat fast and passionately. Having zoned out, he got a grip on himself, smiling to Eddie, who was clearly getting impatient. Richie was getting nervous, now that he was totally aware of what they were doing, but he was fighting against the voices in his head, trying to convince him that he was doing something wrong. They were not. Not when he had been able to make Eddie come that way, not when his boyfriend was able to pull off a bossy and pleading expression at the same time, longing to make him come as well.</p><p>Richie caressed Eddie’s hair, ruffling it affectionately, nodding:</p><p>“Yeah, of course. How do you want me…?”</p><p>Eddie pushed him back on the mattress, a bit roughly. Richie grinned at the sight, loving it whenever his partner was getting confident. So different from the Eddie they managed to bring back from his life with Sonia Kaspbrak, forced into compliance and submission…</p><p>Eddie seemed to hesitate, tapping on his lips. Richie could guess the thoughts that were crossing his mind and damn, that was so exciting that he could almost feel himself coming, just imagining it. But Richie shook his head, being reasonable, informing Eddie:</p><p>“I don’t think it’s quite recommended yet to use your mouth like that, Eddie Spaghetti. I mean, the doctor didn’t explicitly forbid it, but I’m guessing that giving a blowjob right after getting your stitches off isn’t allowed in at least the first 48 hours...”</p><p>Eddie found himself chuckling at Richie’s words, before thinking a bit more about what he just said and typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Blowjob?” </em></p><p>Richie nodded, realizing that Eddie probably never heard this word before. Not that he really had the opportunity to do so or to use it either, not in the infantilized world his mom kept him in:</p><p>“Yeah, it’s what you were thinking about. Putting your mouth on my dick, sucking on it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super excited about it, and, uh, I really want to do that with you too...”</p><p>Even though Richie knew that it wouldn’t be easy to take the first step and getting himself to do so, not when his mind kept trying to convince him that he was disgusting for even thinking about it…</p><p>“But I don’t think it’s reasonable right now. Plus, I think we should get an appointment with the sex doc at the LGBT center, see if we need to take some precautions. But, uh, a handjob should be fine. I think.”</p><p>And now, Richie was rambling. Great. Eddie looked at his hand pensively, his lips moving to form the word “handjob”, while he was only able to let out an inarticulate noise. Growing embarrassed, Richie felt the need to add, his face red:</p><p>“You don’t have to, I can do it myself, I...”</p><p>Eddie grunted, getting close to Richie and taking off his pants and underwear as quickly as possible. Oh. Okay. Okay. Richie took a deep breath, while his dick got freed, hardened by desire. Eddie looked at Richie’s cock and found himself putting his fingers between his lips, sucking on them in a way Richie couldn’t quite decipher. Was he nervous or was it how he was expressing his desire?</p><p> Realizing what he had done, Eddie was about to reach for another tissue, but Richie stopped him.</p><p>“Uh… I think it’ll be better if your fingers are slightly wet. Don’t… Don’t worry, we’ll take a shower afterward, get us all clean. I’ll put your clothes and the sheets in the washing machine too, you don’t have to… oh, fuck!”</p><p>Eddie just poked his dick while he was talking, Richie keening under the rapid touch. Quickly though, his partner took his cock in his right hand, caressing it slowly. Richie, who was leaning on his elbows until then, let his head fall onto his pillow, mouth agape. Eddie was highly focused on his task, his gaze on Richie’s dick, looking at his face from time to time. He whined interrogatively, and Richie managed to mumble between two panting moans:</p><p>“You’re… You’re doing great, babe… Ow!”</p><p>Eddie squeezed his dick a little too hard at the nickname, pain rushing. He immediately took off his fingers, trying to reach for his lightwriter with his left hand, his face full of concern and embarrassment:</p><p>“Eds, Eds, it’s fine. Sorry, just… don’t squeeze like that, okay? Remember, Richie Jr. is sensitive.”</p><p>Richie managed to make Eddie chuckle, which was precisely what he was attempting to, and he invited him with a head gesture to go back to what he was doing. Eddie nodded, taking a deep breath, and he gently gripped Richie’s dick, caressing it again, up and down. His fingers grazed Richie’s balls, and he moaned, digging his fingernails in the sheets.</p><p>Richie was trapped in what seemed like heaven and hell at the same time, wriggling under Eddie’s careful touch, so close to come and yet… His hips jerked when Eddie rubbed the tip of his penis, a high-pitched whine slipping past his lips. Visibly intrigued by his reaction, Eddie kept on rubbing this specific part, until Richie came, moan stuck in his throat, his whole body twitching. Fuck, fuck, fuck!</p><p>It was only when Richie came back to his senses, ragged breathing, whining softly, that he realized that he just ejaculated on his boyfriend. On his face and on his hand. Oh, fuck!</p><p>“Eddie, I’m sor…!”</p><p>Richie stopped dead in his tracks, clearly not expecting Eddie to react as he did. His boyfriend didn’t seem perturbed, on the contrary. With a curiosity almost scientific, he reached for the cum on his right cheek, getting acquainted with the texture on his skin, before sliding his finger between his lips, sucking on it tentatively.</p><p>Fuck. Oh, fuck. Richie could only look at his boyfriend, flabbergasted, while Eddie was focused on the taste and feeling in his mouth, his face showing how concentrated he was. He didn’t know exactly why, but Richie’s brain reminded him of some stuff he read about autism, how some autistic people tended to experience the world firstly by tasting what caught their attention. Visibly, it was the case with Eddie.</p><p>After a short moment, Eddie pulled out his finger, nodding with a pensive expression. He reached for his lightwriter with his clean hand, typing on it:</p><p>“<em>It’s okay. A bit weird.” </em></p><p>Richie couldn’t help but laugh at Eddie’s words. He was always so matter-of-fact about everything, it was so endearing. His partner just tasted his cum and decided that it was “okay”. The thought made him laugh even more, and Richie straightened up, hugging Eddie:</p><p>“God, please, never change. You’re so wonderfully odd, I love you.”</p><p>Eddie whined happily, flapping his clean hand. He then used it to type on his lightwriter, looking at Richie with a gaze full of affection:</p><p>“<em>I love you too. Was I good?” </em></p><p>“Are you kidding? You were the best, Eddie! If you keep on treating me like that, I’ll never want to leave our bed. You’re making me as horny as a rabbit. Look, I’m already turning into one...”</p><p>Richie took one of Eddie’s hand and started to nibble on his fingers, causing him to squeal and giggle at the touch. That’s when Richie realized that it was definitely his own cum that he was tasting and… uh… well, better not to think too much about it. He stopped quickly, wiping his lips, suggesting to Eddie:</p><p>“I think a warm shower will be most welcome, right?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Yeah, but we have to clean everything before that. Or we’ll get sweaty again, and the shower would have been useless.” </em></p><p>Richie chuckled, but agreed, always happy to follow Eddie’s recommendations. He could see how much he liked it, whenever Richie listened to his words and showed his agreement. Eddie was clearly still getting used to the idea that his opinion mattered, and it made him all giddy, humming happily while cleaning the mess they both made. Richie couldn’t exactly pinpoint if it was definitely cute or incredibly sad… Probably both. Once they were done, putting their dirty laundry in a basket, Richie suggested that they went to the shower, grinning cheekily:</p><p>“Unless you’re willing to go to the laundry room while naked? I’m sure this reporter would get a kick out of this, being able to take a picture of you all nude, my tiny porn star…”</p><p>Eddie groaned at Richie’s words, who felt obligated to add, unable to stop himself when he started teasing his boyfriend:</p><p>“You need a porn star nickname, though! I have the perfect one for you: Eddie the inhaler! With a mouth like yours, we...”</p><p>Eddie moaned and put his hands on Richie’s lips, trying to shut him up. Richie smiled at his attempt, taking his hands away and whispering to him:</p><p>“You know, there’s a sure way to make me shut the f...”</p><p>Eddie didn’t hesitate for a second, kissing him immediately. Well. Fine. Richie was keeping his mouth shut. Quiet. Silent. No more words. Zero. He was still smiling when Eddie stopped, looking at him, visibly satisfied to notice that Richie wasn’t saying a thing anymore. He raised his chin proudly, and Richie chuckled at the sight, leading him to the shower cabin:</p><p>“Okay, okay, Casanova, let’s get us clean.”</p><p>Richie loved those moments, maybe even more than the sex. When he could take care of his dazed Eddie, seeing him all joyful and trusting, Richie felt like the happiest man in the world. Eddie was also caring for him, although his gestures were clumsy, but Richie adored it all the same. It reminded him that Eddie loved him, and that’s all he needed to know, that’s all he needed to have.</p><p>When they got out of the shower, Richie helped Eddie put on his pajamas and let him do the same to him, smiling tenderly at his focused expression, the way his tongue would tip out of his lips while he was buttoning Richie’s shirt, careful not to mess it up.</p><p>He patted Eddie’s head gently when he had finished, before going back to their room and putting their laundry in the washing machine, while Eddie was brushing his teeth. His breath smelled like mint when Richie joined him back to their room, kissing him softly.</p><p>They laid down on their bed all done, crinkling the clean sheets while doing so. Eddie pouted at the sight, and Richie chuckled:</p><p>“Come on, Eds, you know it can’t just remain perfectly ordered.”</p><p>“<em>I know, but it still pisses me off, I don’t even know why.” </em></p><p>Richie laughed at Eddie’s words and expression, hugging him tenderly. He really loved his tiny angry gremlin, no doubt about it. Kissing him on the top of his head, Richie pulled away when Eddie started to type on his lightwriter, looking at him affectionately:</p><p>“Wanna say something, Eddie Spaghetti? Go on, you can admit that I’m a god in bed, I’ll gladly accept the title.”</p><p>Eddie groaned at his words, but it was quickly followed by a laugh that he barely attempted to stifle. Richie grinned, but his smile weakened at Eddie’s words, gazing at him with concern:</p><p>“<em>Can you come with me tomorrow, at the precinct? You know. For the interview.” </em></p><p>Richie grimaced. He almost forgot, with how happy he was that Eddie’s remaining stitches were finally taken away. Two days ago, the police called, asking to see Eddie as soon as possible to get his testimony about what happened. They decided to do it tomorrow, to get it done with.</p><p>Eddie still didn’t tell him everything, but Richie wasn’t quite sure he wanted to know… A part of him needed it, sure. But he feared his reaction, knowing what Eddie went through… But his partner needed him, and it was more important than anything else.</p><p>“Yeah, of course. I’ll be with you.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, smiling shyly.</p><p>“<em>Dr. Park will be there too, to help me if needed. Mike asked to come, but between you, Dr. Park, and the police officer that will interrogate me, it’ll be enough. I can’t deal with more people in a tiny room, and in this context, I would feel...” </em></p><p>Eddie hummed thoughtfully, looking for the perfect word to express what he was feeling. Richie supplied him a few, trying to be helpful:</p><p>“Crowded? Smothered? Trapped?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, smiling slightly more, caressing Richie’s cheek.</p><p>“<em>Yeah. All of that.” </em></p><p>That was also why he insisted that Richie’s parents didn’t accompany him. His mom insisted, but Eddie was decided, and Richie was pretty sure that it wasn’t just for his own comfort. He knew how upset Richie’s mom had been, and he didn’t want to stress her furthermore, not if he could avoid it…</p><p>But Eddie needed Richie by his side, and he would be there. Richie kissed him gently on the tip of his nose, trying to reassure him:</p><p>“You’ll see, it’s gonna be done quickly. When it’s done, I’ll be pampering you. Then we’ll plan our road trip to Disney World with Mike, and we’ll get to act like silly kids again, without a care in the world.”</p><p>“<em>Because we’re not already acting like silly kids?” </em></p><p>“Touché.”</p><p>Richie laughed, tickling Eddie’s neck, getting him to squirm and chuckle. He then kissed Eddie’s scarred cheek, again and again.</p><p>“<em>It doesn’t feel weird? Your lips on my scar?” </em></p><p>Richie shook his head, kissing his precious Eddie again:</p><p>“No. It feels perfect. Just perfect.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, I didn't exactly plan on turning the chapter into a smutty one, but it happened xD. The only idea I had when I start to write it was that Richie couldn't get himself to stop kissing Eddie's scar. I think he just really likes it because it's a proof that his Eddie is stronger and braver than anything and anyone else and it's making him think that nothing and no one will ever be able to take him away from him ever again. </p><p>I just really love writing our two dorks in love, despite my asexual ass being pretty much lost throughout the whole chapter. I hope you liked it c:. </p><p>Don't hesitate to leave a comment and/or kudos if you feel like it, I'd love to know what you thought about this chapter. You can also subscribe to this series and this installment as well.</p><p>I added a spotify playlist on my blog, that I've created specifically for this fanfic. You can contribute to it too (if I didn't mess it up xD), if you wish so. Here's the link:  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5p2UZySfS61FQrQ3TSWRLC?si=KI9UuaB4RHWHb5Og8rWkXA</p><p>Have a nice day! See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 29th chapter, I hope you'll like it! I had a terrible day, so it was really helpful to be able to go back home and to write. It's so hot right now, I can't stand high temperatures, it makes me all clumsy and confused x_x. I could barely hold my pen during the day, it was a mess. Thank god, I'm finally home with my fan to keep the temperature down.</p><p>Thank you all for being here after all this time and welcome to the new readers, I hope you're all doing okay! You made the end of my day way better than the rest of it, so thank you c:.</p><p>With that said, here are the TW:</p><p>TW for ableism<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for infantilization<br/>TW for emetophobia<br/>TW for self-harm<br/>TW for r-word</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eddie was delighted to finally be able to spend the night without having to take these stupid sleeping pills anymore. He’d rather face his worst nightmares than have to feel himself drifting off to darkness, unable to resist it. </p><p>Despite Richie and his parents’ repeated reassurances, Eddie couldn’t help but fear that he might open his eyes to a whole new room, away from those he loved so much, back to a past that he absolutely dreaded.</p><p>Eddie had survived his abuse, his bullying, and Bowers’ attempted murder, but that would be the tipping point. He wouldn’t stand it. The simple idea was enough to make him shiver out of fear… No, terror. As much as his regressed self aspired to find his mom, from what he was able to remember of his episodes, Eddie certainly didn’t miss the life he had with her.</p><p>Eddie was free and loved, among people who didn’t try to make him what he’d never become. They didn’t care if he couldn’t talk verbally, and they actively encouraged him to make his own choices, to express himself in the way that suited him, even to say things that they disagreed with… They were his family, his real family. Leaving them again, knowing that he might never see them, that he wouldn’t be the Eddie that they helped him to be? Never.</p><p>Eddie was willing to move forward. Not backward. That’s why he couldn’t get used to the idea of swallowing those sleeping pills. Until then, they had always been given to him against his will, and they were used to make him pliant, to prevent him from doing what he wanted to. He trusted Richie, Went, and Maggie, but still. He was really relieved to not have to take them anymore.</p><p>Even if it meant that he couldn’t find sleep. Eddie huffed, trying to remain discreet, not wanting to wake up Richie, who seemed peaceful and relaxed. He deserved the rest, after everything that happened… Eddie moved slowly, turning his body towards Richie, so that he would be able to admire him properly. He could spend hours just looking at him, staring at his sleepy face, his lips slightly parted. What was he dreaming about? Eddie hoped that it was lovely. He didn’t seem agitated, so it probably was…</p><p>Eddie resisted the urge to touch his partner’s skin, caress his cheeks, ruffle his messy hair. If he could, Eddie would just spend the rest of his life stuck to Richie, never parting away from him. But that wouldn’t be practical. How would they even go through their day, all tangled up? Eddie suppressed a chuckle, imagining himself and Richie in this mess. Richie would make a bad joke or pun, that was for sure. And Eddie… Eddie would mope at first, getting angry at Richie for feeling the need to be humorous at a time like this, and then he’d try to think of a solution, while Richie would do what he could to keep him calm. That’s how they always were, after all…</p><p>No, Eddie was glad about what they had. Richie was there, by his side, and that was all that mattered. Taking a deep breath, Eddie yielded to temptation and cupped Richie’s cheek shortly, taking his hand away when he thought that his partner started to stir up. But Richie merely made a weird face, letting out an incoherent word, before going back to his peaceful slumber. That was for the best. He clearly needed it.</p><p>Richie had been wonderfully supportive these last few days, while Eddie hadn’t been quite easy to handle, he admitted it. Not being able to stim the way he usually did had been stressful, one more problem to add to an already unbalanced pile. At the thought, Eddie slipped his fingers between his lips, sucking on them eagerly. God, he missed that so much! He was unable to stop himself from letting out a relieved whine, enjoying the feeling. He couldn’t wait to suck Richie’s fingers as well… or something else. </p><p>Eddie’s gaze went from Richie’s face to his body, his cheeks getting red while his mind was filled with memories of the moment they spent together today. Eddie still couldn’t believe that he came into his pants. And the way he was grinding his crotch against Richie, almost desperately… Gosh, he must have been possessed or something, Eddie couldn’t recognize himself at all in this behavior. He was unable to determine if he lost control or if it was totally the opposite, gaining the upper hand, allowing his body and mind to behave in a way he would never have otherwise.</p><p>A few months ago, Eddie couldn’t even touch his dick, fearing the awful lies his mother told him, feeling deeply ashamed at the idea. Richie dispelled his mother’s bullshit, helping Eddie to accept his body and the way it expressed itself, as bewildering it could be. Eddie really did have a good time, making himself come like that, before taking care of Richie and making him do the same. And nothing terrible happened. They weren’t sick, they weren’t hurt, they just had fun, and there wasn’t anything else to say about it.</p><p>Eddie loved sex. He loved it with Richie, and he couldn’t imagine doing so with anyone else. It was… special. Weird, messy, clumsy, but it was their thing, and Eddie wouldn’t trade it for a night with a sex god. Never. He liked it with his partner. Richie was always so caring and gentle, taking the time to explain the things that Eddie didn’t get, making sure that he was okay and that he was enjoying himself.</p><p>In the meantime, Eddie could also take care of Richie and help him to get rid of his bad thoughts. They were going slowly, but Eddie was okay with that. He didn’t mind waiting, not as long as Richie wouldn’t feel at ease with doing more. If he never did, Eddie would simply enjoy the other parts of their relationship. They were just as endearing, after all! Like the fact that they were sleeping together, in the same bed…</p><p>Eddie curled up, moving slightly towards Richie, sighing happily once he was settled all against him. There was no better place to be than this one. If time could stop, Eddie would joyfully remain like this for the rest of his life. But that’s not how it worked. Hours were passing by and, soon, Eddie would have to wake up. To do something he was afraid to accomplish, which was probably the reason why he couldn’t find sleep yet…</p><p>Eddie bit his bottom lip, thoughtful. He didn’t want to go to the precinct, nor did he want to talk about what happened with Bowers. If he could just forget it all, it would be for the best… But Eddie knew that it didn’t work that way. Just like he had to face his past with his mom, he couldn’t run away from what happened in the bathroom, this moment during which Eddie almost died…</p><p>He touched his scarred cheek, getting used to the feeling. He managed to smile, remembering the way Richie kept kissing it this afternoon, eager to show Eddie that he wasn’t repulsed by it, on the contrary. Eddie wasn’t either. He just needed some time to fully accept it, so that he wouldn’t be continuously startled every time he looked in a mirror and saw his reflection, different from what he was expecting.</p><p>People were going to stare, that was for sure. But Eddie was okay with that. He’d rather have them noticing his scar first than his stims or his difficulties. Maybe some of them would get scared. Maybe they’ll force themselves to stop looking. Eddie preferred that than the attention he got until then. The way people looked at him with pity, seeing him as a helpless child, when Eddie was certainly not that. He was an adult. And he could take care of himself, even if he needed help.</p><p>Richie always assumed that he could understand, that he was able to get it, taking the time to explain if Eddie let him know that he didn’t or if he could see him struggling. He was trusting him to tie his own shoes, shower himself, put on his clothes, all of those things Eddie’s mother convinced him that he was unable to accomplish on his own. Richie trusted him, and it meant the world for Eddie.</p><p>He was relieved to know that Richie would be there tomorrow, while he was testifying against Henri Bowers, at the police station. Eddie needed him. He needed to know that he was there and that he was doing fine, that he wasn’t… Eddie bit his bottom lip, shaking his head to chase the terrible thought.</p><p>Bowers couldn’t hurt them anymore. He’d never be able to carry out his threats, not a single one of them. He wouldn’t hurt Mike, Maggie, Went… and Richie. No, he was going to be locked up, and that would be for the best. Despite everything, Eddie still hoped that Henry Bowers would get the help he needed. They both had their issues, and Eddie had a supportive environment to help him deal with it. Bowers never had that.</p><p>But Eddie wouldn’t go as far as dismiss Bowers’ responsibility or pitying him. He was still the guy who tormented him during most of his childhood, who chose to go after himself and Richie and beat them down, who burned Mike’s library (and could have very well killed him in the process). He remained the man who attempted to murder Eddie, taking pleasure in seeing the fear and the pain in his eyes. And he had to be brought to justice for everything that he did.</p><p>Maybe Henry Bowers could find some inner peace, now that his father was dead… Eddie was mostly hoping that he would never have to hear from him ever again after all of that. He went through enough. He deserved some peace. A nice time with his partner and his friend, allowing themselves to act silly and have mindless fun, away from everything else… Eddie couldn’t wait for it to happen. It was going to be so fun!</p><p>But first, Eddie had to be brave, just a little more. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes, getting even closer to Richie, curled up all against him. Eddie felt Richie’s arms hugging him tightly, and he smiled, inhaling his partner’s smell, appreciating the fact that they were both there, safe and sound, able to love each other without having to hide it from those who mattered to them. Not anymore. They were free. They were happy. Nothing would ever take that away from them. Nothing.</p><p>*</p><p>Eddie couldn’t stop shaking his leg, sucking his fingers, eyes downcast. They arrived early at the police station, Eddie getting too stressed out to remain at their home any longer. Dr. Park was there too, sitting next to him, keeping an eye on him. Eddie was reassured, knowing that he could rely on his therapist. She would know what to do if he started to lose control. She would be able to explain his predicament to the police officer who was going to interrogate him, to prevent things from getting worse…</p><p>And of course, Richie was there, caressing his free hand, whispering soft words to his ears to help him relax. It didn’t quite work, but Eddie appreciated the effort nonetheless. Richie was trying his best, as always, and it was one of the reasons Eddie loved him so much. He never gave up on him, no matter what. And he always tried to support Eddie, to help him go through what was tormenting him, being the rock that Eddie needed him to be, especially right now.</p><p>A voice called out to them, and Richie squeezed his hand, getting Eddie to follow him while the officer was leading them all to a small room. Eddie wrinkled his nose when they entered here. It smelled old and musty, not in the right way like it could be at the library sometimes, before it turned into ashes.</p><p>The officer turned on the light, and Eddie groaned, shielding his eyes. Too bright. Noisy. The neon lights were buzzing, making this sound that Eddie hated and that he was often the only one able to hear. Although, judging by the grimace on Richie’s face, he probably heard it as well…</p><p>Richie was about to intervene, but Dr. Park took over, a polite smile on her lips:</p><p>“Excuse me, Sir? Would it be possible to turn off the light? It’s upsetting my patient, and it might impair his ability to testify.”</p><p>“Oh, uh, yes. Sorry, Ma’am.”</p><p>The officer did so, and Eddie sighed with relief, rubbing his eyes, fiddling with his lightwriter. He wouldn’t have been able to focus on his testimony, if he had to deal with that on top of everything else… Richie ruffled his hair gently and pulled out his chair for him. Eddie sat down, dangling his legs freely, putting his lightwriter on the table. His therapist and his boyfriend both sat next to him, making him feel safe and protected. He wasn’t alone. He could do it.</p><p>The officer seemed a bit uneasy, taking turns looking at Eddie and his therapist, parting his lips, closing them, not knowing what to do or what he was supposed to say. Eddie audibly groaned when the man decided to talk to Dr. Park first, immediately annoyed. He was the one who was interrogated, for fuck’s sake!</p><p>He just started to ask her something, but Dr. Park quickly advised the man to talk directly to Eddie, a tight smile on her lips, visibly displeased by what just happened:</p><p>“Edward is perfectly able to communicate and answer your questions. Richard and I are merely here to offer him some support and ensure that the process will go smoothly. We’re not to be interrogated, regarding what happened during the attack that my patient had to survive. Thank you for your cooperation.”</p><p>The officer stared at the petite woman for a moment, clearly taken aback. He cleared his throat, put a recording device on the table and fiddled with it, informing Eddie:</p><p>“This interview will be recorded and, if it’s viable, used during Henry Bowers’ trial as a testimony. Do you agree to these conditions?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, taking a deep breath. He wouldn’t have to see Bowers ever again, if he did all of that properly. The officer smiled, pressing the “pause” button to add something that he definitely didn’t want on the record:</p><p>“I wanted to thank you for what you did. This little freak killed our Sheriff mercilessly. Our precinct isn’t the same since then.”</p><p>Eddie felt his blood running cold at the policeman’s words, thinking back to what happened, to what Henry Bowers told him. He clenched his teeth, typing quickly on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I only protected myself. Sheriff Bowers beat his son and allowed him to become who he is. So many people knew about it, and yet, nothing was done. Sounds familiar...” </em></p><p>Eddie picked at his scar, letting out an angry whine. Richie stopped him from doing so, holding his hand tightly and tenderly. Eddie gazed at him, smiling clumsily. The officer was about to say something, but Dr. Park cut him off, ensuring that the discussion wasn’t going to get heated:</p><p>“We should remain on topic. It’ll be for the best if we could get it over with as soon as possible.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, rocking on his chair. He wanted nothing more than to go back to his home and watch some movie, feeling safe and loved in Richie’s warm embrace. Here, he felt so… vulnerable. Authority figures had never been trustworthy, from Eddie’s point of view, and this officer wasn’t different. The man was visibly upset, but he let it slide, seemingly eager to be done with it all as much as Eddie was:</p><p>“Fine. Can you start by recapping the events that led to your aggression, Mr. Kaspbrak?”</p><p>Eddie nodded. He typed on his lightwriter, highly focused on his task, while the robotic voice was telling his story for him, expressing what his vocal cords couldn’t get out:</p><p>“<em>I had a meltdown, and I fell asleep on my mother’s knees. I...” </em></p><p>“Your mother?”</p><p>Eddie groaned, forced to stop his lightwriter before it spilled out the already programmed words. He never liked being interrupted, but it was even worse now. Even though it made his communication easier to handle, the lightwriter had its flaws too, and it wasn’t very practical when people tried to interject and talk over him. Eddie had to erase what he typed already, an annoyed hum making its way out of his throat, while Dr. Park reminded him to breathe deeply and use the stim that she taught him long ago.</p><p>Pressing his fingers around his thumb a few times, Eddie managed to remain calm, answering to the officer’s question:</p><p>“<em>Yes. My mother, Maggie Tozier. She’s more of a mom to me than my biological parent had ever been. It’s not relevant to the story. So, as I was saying...” </em></p><p>Deep breath. Exhale. Inhale. Eddie put some order in his thoughts, destabilized to have been interrupted so needlessly, managing to stay on track:</p><p>“<em>I felt dirty and sweaty, so I went to the bathroom to take a shower. I was really tired, so I had trouble getting naked. I only managed to take off my shirt when Bowers talked, and I noticed him behind me, seeing him in the mirror’s reflection. He stab...” </em></p><p>“Hold on, you didn’t notice him first? Isn’t that weird? You must have seen him when you entered, are you sure you remember that correctly?”</p><p>Eddie moaned angrily, banging the table with his fists so brutally and suddenly that everyone else around him jumped, clearly startled. He managed to stop his lightwriter from spilling the rest of what he had written, frustrated and confused. </p><p>No, he didn’t notice him right away. Yes, he was aware that he should have. The bathroom wasn’t so big, he should have seen Bowers immediately, but he didn’t.</p><p>Eddie started to pull on his hair, unable to handle his frustration any longer. The officer got up from his chair, and Eddie curled up reflexively, as if the man was going to hit him for his reaction. Richie hugged him tightly, putting his hand away from his head, while Dr. Park got up as well, putting herself between the policeman and Eddie:</p><p>“You’re stressing my patient, Sir. If you don’t sit back and let him tell what happened without interrupting him constantly, he’s not going to be able to testify at all, and he’s risking a meltdown. That’s not something you want to be recorded, Sir.”</p><p>The officer sat back, fidgeting nervously, giving Eddie anxious glances, who was now audibly humming, while Richie was rocking him and hugging him tightly. Once Eddie was calmed down, Richie asked him softly, a reassuring smile on his lips:</p><p>“Would you feel better on my knees, Eds? It’s fine. I’ll keep you safe.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, getting up from his chair to sit on Richie’s knees, his back against his partner, feeling better as soon as Richie closed his arms around him. Better. Way better. </p><p>He didn’t care if the officer thought that it was weird or off-putting. It helped. It didn’t hurt anyone. Eddie focused back on his story, hoping that he wasn’t going to get interrupted again:</p><p>“<em>Bowers stabbed me in my left cheek. I tasted blood, and it hurt so much that I wasn’t sure how much I was suffering. Or if it hurt at all. It was weird. He made me look at him, and he caressed my cheek...” </em></p><p>Eddie put his hand mindlessly on his right cheek, brushing the skin as if he could still feel Bowers’ fingers there. He shivered, doing his best to concentrate on his testimony:</p><p>“<em>He told me that his father insulted him, calling him crazy, and that he was going to be put in an institution or something. That it was my fault. Then he pulled on my hair and told me that I was a retard that couldn’t do a single thing, not even talk, and that I should be the one committed.” </em></p><p>Eddie heard a soft whine coming from Richie, his arms tightening even more around his body. It was the first time he got to hear exactly what happened, and it was obviously upsetting him. Eddie wanted to stop it, but he had to tell what he remembered. He had to.</p><p>“<em>He told me that he killed his dad, with the same knife he used to attack me. Then he...” </em></p><p>Eddie’s fingers hovered over his typewriter, memories so clear that it seemed to happen barely a few hours before. Calm. He needed to remain calm, in control. He could freak out later. Right now, he had to get a grip. To get his story out. The rest didn’t matter.</p><p>“Edward, are you okay? Can you hear me?”</p><p>Eddie got back to reality, startled by his therapist’s voice. He nodded, trying to hide the tremors in his hands, unsuccessfully. Concerned, Dr. Park asked him if he needed a break and Eddie shook his head, typing as quickly as he could, given his current condition:</p><p>“<em>No! Finish my story first!” </em></p><p>She didn’t try to stop him, or reason with him, and Eddie was grateful for that. She trusted his judgment. Richie too. He could do it. He could do it, for them all. For the people he loved so much.</p><p>His sentences were less structured, Eddie focusing on what he was saying rather than the way it was coming out:</p><p>“<em>Told me he was gonna hurt Maggie. That I killed my mommy. Gonna kill Maggie like my mommy, my fault. Told me he was gonna kill everyone. Stab Richie’s eyes. Make him hear me squeal. Couldn’t let him do that. Pulled the knife out and stab.” </em></p><p>Eddie’s right hand closed over nothing, as if he was still holding the handle of the switchblade, back to that horrible day. Blood. Blood everywhere. Blood in his mouth. Blood on his skin. Bowers lying on the tiles, the knife sticking out of his chest. Dead. He was dead. He was dead because of him. Eddie killed him.</p><p>And after that? After that… Eddie wasn’t sure. Everything seemed so… confusing. Far away. What was he doing, again? Where was he? In the bathroom, right? He just killed Bowers. He killed Bowers, and everything hurt. After that… After that… After that, there was his mommy. Yes, there was his mommy, he remembered! She hugged him, and she… she told him to stay with her. That she was the only one who ever loved him, that she was going to fix him and keep him safe.</p><p>Stay with me, Eddie bear. Stay with me. It won’t hurt anymore. No more pain. You won’t make anyone suffer any longer. Stay with me, Eddie Bear. Stay with me.</p><p>Eddie kept hearing her words, but he couldn’t see her. He couldn’t see his mom. Where was she? He needed her! He was covered in blood, and it hurt, and he was scared, and there was no one because he killed Bowers, and he was a retarded freak, and no one could ever love someone like him.</p><p>“M… Mo?”</p><p>Eddie didn’t realize that he articulated this syllable out loud, his eyes glazed over, his hand closing on an invisible handle, again and again. He couldn’t hear Richie calling his name or Dr. Park’s words, trying to keep him grounded. He was already too far gone. He didn’t know that the officer stopped the recording, unsure of what he was supposed to do. He didn’t even remember that he was at the police station, to begin with. He was… He was…</p><p>“Mo?”</p><p>She wasn’t answering. He could hear her repeat the same words over and over, but she wasn’t acknowledging him, she wasn’t hugging him anymore, she wasn’t <em> there. </em> She wasn’t paying attention to him, she wasn’t caring for him, and he needed her because he couldn’t do a single thing. He needed his mommy.</p><p>“Mo…!”</p><p>Eddie screamed louder, his mouth feeling like it was filled with blood. He attempted to take it out, to get rid of the taste and the blood flow, pressing his fingers in his mouth so deeply and brutally that he started to retch, bending and vomiting on his own knees, his throat hurting, his clothes disgusting on his skin. Mommy! He needed his mommy to take it off! Mommy!</p><p>Eddie couldn’t move, and he didn’t know why. He wasn’t even sure where he was. His eyes were snapped shut, and what he managed to see was merely an illusion created by his traumatized mind, a lost place between this dreadful moment in the bathroom and the years he spent under his mother’s thumb, unable to escape her.</p><p>“Mo… Mo...”</p><p>He was begging, begging for her to look after him. Eddie felt utterly alone, unable to realize that they were caring for him, cleaning his clothes as much as they could, trying to get his attention and to bring him back from his nightmares. It lasted for a while, his body shaking with spasms, weird and terrified noises coming out of his throat, until he managed to open his eyes again, getting a good look at his surroundings.</p><p>His fingers closed on his teddy bear, that Richie gave him, hoping that the feeling might snap him out of his episode. Eddie hugged it, rocking on his chair, staring hazily at the wall. He was… He was… He must be with his mommy. And he was in therapy, and he was on the chair, and he had to do his exercises. To be a good boy. Yes, that’s what it was!</p><p>Eddie had a clumsy smile, closer to a grimace, and he pointed at his nose, because he had to do that, because they wanted him to point at his body parts when they told him to do so, and Eddie was a good boy who obeyed to his mommy and his therapist. He did that again, waiting for the praise, getting nothing. He frowned, repeating his motion, confused by the lack of reaction. He was being a good boy, right? Right?</p><p>“G’buh… Guh’b...”</p><p>Eddie heard a voice shushing him, hands cupping his face. He was forced to focus on a face that was definitely familiar, but that he couldn’t quite remember. He tried to get away, whining, because he had to do his exercises and he couldn’t do that if this person held him like that, but she kept him in this position, speaking to him gently:</p><p>“Edward, it’s time to leave. We’re bringing you home.”</p><p>He wasn’t home? But… Oh. Sometimes, he had his therapy sessions elsewhere, when his mommy was interviewed. That was probably why she wasn’t there. Mommy was busy. But Eddie was going to be a good boy and follow his therapist back to his mommy’s home. He grabbed her hand, expecting his therapist to praise him for being so nice and diligent. He didn’t forget that he was too stupid to roam freely, that he needed someone to hold his hand when he wasn’t home!</p><p>But she still didn’t praise him. Eddie frowned even more, letting out a desperate whine, begging to be told that he was a good boy and that he was doing everything he had to, that he deserved to be loved and cared for. His therapist’s words got all mixed up, and Eddie kept repeating, stroking his cheek with his free hand, forgetting to hold his teddy bear in the process:</p><p>“Guh’b. Guh’b.”</p><p>Then his hand was also held and squeezed, and Eddie shut up, playing mindlessly with the fingers that he could touch. Hands quiet. He had to be quiet. Calm. Nice. A good boy. A good boy for his mommy. </p><p>Soon enough, he was led to a car, sat down on the back seat, his seatbelt fastened for him. He couldn’t do it, after all. He was too stupid for that. He needed his mommy and his therapist to help him.</p><p>He frowned at the thought, his confused brain trying to make sense of everything. There were two people, but his mommy wasn’t around. There was his therapist and… and…</p><p>“Iiie?”</p><p>Richie answered him gently, his voice filled with concern, telling him that they were going back home and that they’d be there soon. Eddie nodded, sitting back, playing with his therapist’s hand mindlessly, the woman sat next to him. He could barely understand her words, but he was listening to her. </p><p>He had to. He was a good boy. And his mommy will be proud of him, and he’ll get hugs! And then, she’ll bathe him, and she’ll tell him that she loved him because he’s so nice! Eddie giggled at the thought, clapping his hands and moaning happily. </p><p>But he remembered that good boys were supposed to be quiet, and he forced himself to shut up, pulling on his hair to punish himself for being so noisy and stupid. Stupid Eddie. Bad Eddie. No wonder he’s all alone. Who would want to care for someone like him? His mommy was the only one. Eddie loved his mommy.</p><p>Once they were back home, Dr. Park and Richie helped him to climb the stairs, Eddie barely standing on his legs, completely out of it. Richie cleaned his mouth and dressed him up in a pair of fresh pants, before leading him to his room, where Dr. Park was waiting to help him come back from his regressive episode. </p><p>Eddie was installed on his bed, curling up instantly and grabbing his plush when Richie gave it to him, biting and sucking on its ear. He was being nice. He was allowed to have his teddy bear. It meant that he was a good boy. Once again, his therapist cupped his face, and Eddie focused back on her, on her words, unable to look elsewhere. </p><p>She told him where he was, when he was, again and again and again, a litany that Eddie’s mind repeated back to him, in an echolalic reflex. He felt a soft kiss on his fingers, a feeling he was definitely not used to, but that he was familiar with. But not in his life with his mommy. He was… He was…</p><p>“Iiie?”</p><p>Eddie’s eyelids fluttered, and he let go of his teddy bear, coming back slowly to his senses. He looked around him, lost at first, realizing where he was. His room. Their room. And Richie was there too. He was now hugging him tightly, while Dr. Park took a step back, a relieved expression on her face.</p><p>“Eds, fuck, you’re back, right? Tell me you’re back!”</p><p>Eddie nodded. He could see his lightwriter, but he didn’t have the energy to use it. He felt so… exhausted. He whispered Richie’s name as best as he could, this syllable full of love and tenderness:</p><p>“Iiie...”</p><p>He was back. Back from… from what exactly? Eddie tried to make some sense of what just happened, but everything was so freaking confusing. He was at the station, then in the bathroom and… and…? Eddie whined, lost and dazed, stressed by the amount of time he couldn’t quite remember, trapped in his regressive episode. It’s not like he totally forgot, it was just… so confusing.</p><p>But they were back home and right now, that’s all that mattered. He was safe. Eddie allowed himself to relax, until he remembered what he was supposed to do. He got agitated in Richie’s arms, trying to grab his lightwriter, managing to type on it:</p><p>“<em>Testify!” </em></p><p>He had to go back! He had to! He…</p><p>Eddie was about to hit himself when his therapist stopped him gently, guiding him into doing their usual exercise, closing his fingers around his thumb again and again:</p><p>“You did what you had to. They have your deposition. If they need more, they’ll let you know, but I think it won’t be useful. You’ve been clear and to the point. You can be proud of you, Edward.”</p><p>“Yeah, Eds, so proud! So fucking proud! You did it. You really did it.”</p><p>Richie kissed his cheek, hugging him tightly. That’s how Eddie loved it. It was perfect. It felt so good, hearing his therapist and his boyfriend telling him that he should be proud of himself. It was so much better than to be told that he was a good boy… Because he wasn’t. Eddie was an adult, a very brave adult, and he did what he had to. Now, he could rest.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well, back to my angsty roots xD. I promise that the next chapters will be lighter x). We're heading to the end of this installment, I think I'm going to write Richie, Eddie and Mike's trip to Disney World and then I'll start the new one. I have a few ideas for the title of the next (last?) installment, I'll just have to settle on one definitely when it's time xD.</p><p>Eddie was triggered pretty hard in this chapter. I think it's mostly because the officer kept interrupting him and he wasn't expecting it. Combined with the stress of having to relive this terrible moment, he was just unable to remain grounded and he started to regress and get confused. Thankfully, Dr. Park and Richie managed to bring him back progressively. He's still a bit dazed at the end of the chapter, but he's clearly doing better. It was quite intense to write.</p><p>I hope you liked it! Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos! You can also subscribe to this story and the series, if you wish to do so. I can't wait to see what you thought about this chapter, you're all the best :D.</p><p>Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! Welcome to the 30th chapter of this fanfic! I hope you'll like it! I'm happy I managed to write it, despite how hot it currently is, I can barely focus on anything with these temperatures x_x.  I hope you're doing fine!<br/>Thank you all for still being here and for your kind words! I really have the best readers, you're awesome c:.</p><p>With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for mention of homophobia<br/>TW for mention of ableism</p><p>I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Whenever Eddie had one of his episodes, Richie was always terrified to never see him coming back. That he would remain in this state, stuck in his memories, lost between the past and the present. Richie would stay by his side, of course. Nothing would make him abandon his partner, never. Even if Eddie couldn’t recognize him or didn’t even interact with him anymore, Richie would be there, taking care of him. He would help him daily, keep him safe, make sure that he was happy as he could be like that.</p><p>Richie was decided, and he would never change his mind on the subject. He couldn’t imagine for one second giving up on Eddie, getting him committed, away from his family, his friends, everything and everyone that mattered to him. No, he would stay with Eddie, no matter what. That’s the decision he took when he saw Eddie so far gone, after he testified at the police station.</p><p>It was scary to see how his gaze suddenly went hazy, his whole demeanor changing back to the way he was when he was back with them for the first time. Afraid and mindlessly obedient, not allowing himself the slightest hint of self-expression, punishing himself if he dared to act in a way that his mother would have deemed “unacceptable”… That wasn’t the Eddie that Richie had to let go, all those years before, and not the Eddie that his partner learned to become either, supported by his family, friends, and therapist.</p><p>But Richie loved Eddie, and it would never change. But he was still utterly relieved when Eddie came back to his senses, slowly regaining his awareness. When Dr. Park left, Richie hugged him so tightly that Eddie had to let him know that it was too much, whining and tapping on his arms. Eddie had been so brave. So fucking brave. He deserved some rest now, for sure.</p><p>They spent the next few days enjoying the other’s presence, keeping the excitement to a minimum, so that Eddie would be allowed to relax and recover. To be honest, Richie needed quiet time too. Between Eddie’s regressive episode and what he revealed at the police station, it was… it was definitely too much. God, Richie could picture it perfectly, how terrified Eddie must have been, at the mercy of Henry Bowers. Hurting, knowing that he was going to die, without anyone that he loved around…</p><p>But Eddie pulled through. He found the strength to fight back, because… because Bowers threatened them all. And Eddie couldn’t let him hurt them. Richie’s heart was swelling at the thought. For them, Eddie had been so brave. Richie couldn’t imagine how painful it must have been, pulling off this switchblade from his own cheek. No wonder Eddie lost it after all of that…</p><p>But Richie didn’t want to think about all of that, right now. No, today, they were celebrating Eddie’s recovery and the end of the Bowers’ supremacy in Derry. They invited a handful of people over and, of course, Maggie and Went would be there as well. How could they not be?</p><p>Richie was actually helping his mother cooking some pastries, while Went and Eddie were out to the supermarket, buying drinks, cardboard plates, and plastic cups. He missed it so much, those moments with his mom… So scared of losing his parents, he put up this wall between them to protect himself, to make it less painful if he and Eddie had to cut ties after their coming out, but it wasn’t necessary. As much as they were still tiptoeing around the subject, his parents were genuinely trying to be supportive, and it meant the world to Richie.</p><p>“Richie, honey, can you hand me the chocolate chips, please?”</p><p>“Yeah, no problem!”</p><p>Richie reached for the box, which was, of course, on the highest shelf. Not an issue for him or his father, but for his mom or Eddie… Giving it to her, his mother sighed, a knowing smile on her lips:</p><p>“Your dad, obviously. You two really need to remember that there are regular-sized people in this family and stop putting everything where Eddie and I can’t reach it.”</p><p>“Where’s the fun in that?” Richie laughed, closing the cupboard. “I’m still waiting on Eddie to ask me to get something for him.”</p><p>His mom rolled her eyes, half-focused on her cooking:</p><p>“You know very well that he’d rather climb on top of three stacked chairs to reach for something than to have to hear you teasing him. He’s too proud for that.”</p><p>“I just can’t resist, my tiny angry gremlin is so cute whenever I’m annoying the heck out of him. But don’t worry, I know when to stop. I don’t want to upset him.”</p><p>Maggie nodded, smiling, and ruffling her son’s hair. God, he really missed those gestures… Maybe he was a bit too old for that, but Richie just loved it, when he could be affectionate with his parents and when they were doing the same for him. It reminded him that he was loved. That he mattered.</p><p>Not thinking much about it, he hugged his mother, who jumped, feeling her son’s arms wrapping around her body suddenly. She relaxed quickly, appreciating the moment as much as Richie was.</p><p>“I love you, Mom. I feel like I didn’t tell you so enough, those last few weeks.”</p><p>His mother smiled a bit more, kissing him on the top of his head, putting her index finger under his chin to lift his face slightly:</p><p>“I love you too, Richie. And I’m glad you decided to trust us. It must have been so hard, keeping this secret all of those years… If only your father and I had been able to make you feel safe enough to talk about that earlier, things would have been so different. You wouldn’t have had to suffer so much...”</p><p>Richie felt his throat closing up. He took a step back, focusing on his breathing to not let himself cry. It was supposed to be a fun day, goddammit! He wasn’t going to tear up because his mom validated his feelings, it would be ridiculous…</p><p>“It’s in the past, Mom. I’m just… I’m happy that you didn’t reject me. Or Eddie. He… He didn’t deserve that, you know?”</p><p>“Oh, Richie. You didn’t deserve it either. Don’t ever think about yourself like that. You’re a wonderful son, and I’m thankful every day to be your mom. Nothing would ever change that, I assure you.”</p><p>Richie kept himself busy with the cookies they were preparing, trying to keep his emotion under control. She really said it. She really told him that she would love him no matter what. His mom. And it was for real, this time, because she<em> knew </em>and she still loved him. God…</p><p>“Mom, stop, you’re going to make me cry! We’re supposed to have a party for Eddie, not bawl our eyes out.”</p><p>His mother chuckled, putting what they prepared in the oven, before wiping her hands on her apron. </p><p>“I’m sorry, you’re right. I hope you’ll both have a fun time. You’re really sure you want to invite Greta as well? She’s not really one of your friends, if I recall...”</p><p>Richie shrugged at her words. He wasn’t quite sure of it either. She had never been totally at ease with Eddie’s disability, and she was still their childhood bully, not the nicest person to have around. </p><p>“Eddie’s idea, not mine. He said he wanted to thank her for agreeing to testify against Bowers at his trial. I think he feels a bit guilty about not being able to be there himself, so he wants to show her his gratitude. I wouldn’t even have thought to call her, if Eddie didn’t suggest it first.”</p><p>“Well, if it’s his choice, then I guess we just have to trust his judgment. She’s been warned anyway, the last time she came here. She knows I won’t allow her to treat Eddie in a way that might make him feel uneasy.”</p><p>Richie doubted Greta would risk it. She wasn’t particularly kind, but she wasn’t stupid. And she seemed to have some sort of soft spot for Eddie. Whether it was because she was feeling guilty or something else, it was quite obvious. Richie wanted to trust her, but, more than that, he wanted to believe that Eddie was right about her. That she deserved to be among them, to celebrate Eddie’s recovery. </p><p>“Too bad this party was organized on such short notice, none of your friends, aside from Mike, had been able to make it.” Maggie sighed, a nostalgic smile on her lips. “It’s been so long since you’ve all been there. I miss seeing you all happy and carefree.”</p><p>Richie wouldn’t say he was exactly “carefree” or his friends at the time, but he didn’t want to ruin the mood. Instead, he shrugged again, while he was cleaning the kitchen:</p><p>“Yeah, they regret that they can’t make it, but they’re all so far away. And they’re plenty busy. Bev is working on a collection, Bill’s apparently invited to some radio show to talk about his book and everyone else is just focusing on their studies, it would be pretty hard for them to leave, even for a few days. But they promised to make it for our house-warming, when Eddie, Mike and I will...”</p><p>Richie interrupted himself when his mother let go of the plate in her hands. He managed to catch it before it shattered on the floor, looking up at his mom:</p><p>“Mom, you okay?”</p><p>She was looking at him with a surprised and pained gaze, her hands shaking slightly. </p><p>“H… House-warming?”</p><p>Oh shit, they didn’t talk about it already! With everything that happened, Richie completely forgot about it. Putting back the plate on the table, he chuckled nervously, scratching his neck:</p><p>“Yeah, uh. We don’t have a flat yet or anything like that, but Mike, Eddie, and I decided to start searching for something in Bangor. Mike already contacted the local library, he’s supposed to have an interview in a few days. Uh… Shit, I’m sorry, I should have...”</p><p>His mom hid her face in her hands, her shoulders trembling slightly. She was crying. Fuck, she was crying! Richie didn’t know what he was supposed to. He took a step towards her, hesitating to reach out for her:</p><p>“Mom, it’s… it’s gonna be okay. We’re not leaving tomorrow, we still have plenty of time. And… And anyway, we’re not looking anywhere else, we choose Bangor so that Eddie would be able to keep his therapist and live in a somewhat familiar town. It’s not far from here, we could see each other whenever we want and...”</p><p>His mom hugged him tightly, and Richie did the same. God, now he was crying too. Great. He attempted to wipe his cheeks, while his mother whispered to him:</p><p>“I feel like I just got you back, and now, you’re leaving… I know it’s a good thing and I… I’m really proud of you all for taking this first step. But I’m gonna miss having you home.”</p><p>“Me too, Mom. I’m… I’m gonna miss this. I mean, not so much those times you tried to get me to keep my room clean, because it’s not going to happen anytime soon...”</p><p>His mother laughed, ending the hug and wiping her teary eyes. Richie did the same, grateful that Eddie and his father were still away right now. He was pretty sure that Eddie would start to cry as well, because that’s how he was, and his dad would be completely at a loss, everyone around him tearing up. Richie smiled at the thought. It would be pretty funny, actually…</p><p>“Eddie is more persuasive than I am.” His mom put away her apron, sniffling slightly. “Your room is actually cleaner since you’re with him than it ever had been before.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m not gonna lie, Eddie can be pretty scary when he’s angry about something. You should have seen him when he noticed the way I put my clothes in our cupboard. I swear he was going to kill me!”</p><p>His mom chuckled, probably picturing the scene quite easily. Eddie had his temper, and Richie loved him for that. It was probably what allowed him to survive everything he went through as well. He put up a good fight and, in the end, he won. Despite his issues, despite what he still had to struggle with, Eddie was still standing. And Richie couldn’t be prouder of him. </p><p>Leading his mom to the couch, waiting for Eddie and Went to come back, Richie held her hand tenderly:</p><p>“Mom, I promise we’re not just gonna leave and never come back. I love you. Eddie loves you. He was so distraught, thinking that he might never see you again if you and Dad didn’t accept us the way we were. I was not in better shape, to be honest. I… I just couldn’t stand the idea. I kept pushing back the moment I would tell you because I didn’t want to have to give up on <em>this.” </em></p><p>Richie squeezed her hand tightly, his mom doing the same. He loved his family so much. Giving up on them, it would have been… Richie couldn’t even describe it. He didn’t have a word strong enough to define it all.</p><p>“I love you too, Richie. And your dad too, even if he doesn’t always know how to say it. And… And I know we’re still a bit on the fence, about you and Eddie, but we’re going to educate ourselves, and we’ll be there for you along the way.”</p><p>She chuckled, cupping her son’s face with her free hand:</p><p>“Honestly, the only thing I’m really sad about is knowing that I’m probably never going to see you getting married. I admit it, I was excited to think about you in a suit, waiting for your bride. I gave up on you having children for a long time, but that… I would have loved to see it.”</p><p>Richie grimaced exaggeratedly at her words, causing his mom to laugh:</p><p>“Children? Me? Can you imagine tiny Richie running around? There’s only one of me, and he’s already perfect. No need for a pale copy, the world has me, and it’s enough.”</p><p>It was something Richie thought about, a few times. He couldn’t imagine himself as a father. He would already feel accomplished if he managed to make something of his life. But having to care for a baby, a kid, being responsible for their well-being? Richie could already feel his Mother hen instincts taking over and making him the worst helicopter parent that ever existed. His children would hate him eventually, that was for sure.</p><p>But mostly, he knew that he would be anxious all the time that his kids might be in distress and trying to hide that from him. He knew what it was like very well. He kept so many secrets from his parents, he couldn’t imagine how anxious they must have been sometimes…</p><p>And of course, there was Eddie. He didn’t really discuss it with him already, but he will, eventually, even if he doubted that they would ever be allowed to adopt, given that they were both disabled, Eddie in a way that couldn’t remain hidden for long, and that the system wouldn’t look on them kindly. That and the fact that they were a gay couple, which deemed them unfit in regards to the law anyway.</p><p>Eddie would exhaust himself, if he had to care for a child. Richie could picture it clearly: Eddie would sacrifice his health and well-being to take care of their kid until he couldn’t stand it anymore. His heart broke, just imagining it. Richie wanted Eddie to be happy, and that wouldn’t be a joyful life to lead. But if he wanted to do it, and if the system allowed them to do so, it was definitely something they needed to discuss furthermore…</p><p>“Richie?”</p><p>Richie snapped out of his zoning out, looking at his mom. She was smiling, caressing his cheek:</p><p>“Back on earth, honey?”</p><p>Richie nodded, an apologetic smile on his lips:</p><p>“Yeah, sorry. Anyway, even if we can’t do it legally, if Eddie’s up for it, we could still have a ceremony at some point. Something nice, with those we really care about.”</p><p>Richie went red at the thought. He and Eddie, sharing vows, rings, pretending to get married, starting to call each other “husband”, “hubby” or whatnot… God, too much, too much!</p><p>“But we barely started to date, mom, we’re not going to rush it like that! We’re taking our time.”</p><p>“That’s a good thing, Richie. You’re… You’re happy, right? Both of you?”</p><p>Richie thought back to those times he shared with Eddie. The way they were learning to care for the other, to free themselves from their own issues so that they would enjoy their relationship in many, many ways… It could be complicated and messy, but Richie wouldn’t trade it for anything else. Never.</p><p>“Yeah, mom. We’re definitely happy.”</p><p>His mother nodded, about to add something, when Eddie and Went came back home, their arms loaded with grocery bags. Richie and his mom got up to help them, Richie allowing himself to kiss Eddie on the cheek. Eddie grinned afterward, and Richie felt like he was the happiest man in the world, getting to see his partner smiling like that.</p><p>They prepared everything, and eventually, their guests arrived. Mike was the first, of course, living the closest. He hugged them all, patting Eddie’s scarred cheek gently:</p><p>“Look at you, Eddie. You’re so badass. I bet you’re going to love telling everyone why you have this scar.”</p><p>“<em>Of course! Getting to say “I’ve been stabbed in the cheek” and witnessing people’s reaction, it’s gonna be the best.” </em></p><p>Mike chuckled at his enthusiasm. He offered his help, insisting when Richie’s mom tried to decline. Mike wasn’t one to stay inactive when he was invited somewhere. He had to give a hand, that’s how he was.</p><p>“So, Mike, did you already buy your ticket to Disney World, to go with my boys?” Went smiled, looking at Eddie and Richie, who were bickering tenderly about how they were supposed to put everything on the coffee table. “They’re so excited to go there and share that with you.”</p><p>“Yes, I did. I have some money on the side, so it will be good for our road trip too. Eddie wanted to pay for everything, but I couldn’t let him do so. He still managed to convince me to pay for my hotel room. I couldn’t resist long, not when he used his puppy eyes against me.”</p><p>Went laughed at Mike’s words, gazing at his sons with a look full of love:</p><p>“Yeah, he can be pretty stubborn. And we can’t resist it either. Richie’s the weaker, when it comes to his puppy gaze. You’ll have to watch over them during your trip, alright?”</p><p>“Don’t worry, Went. They’re in good company.”</p><p>Liz was the second to arrive. Richie had suggested inviting her over, and Eddie immediately agreed, too happy to get to see her again and celebrate that with her. Richie was a bit nervous about his parents’ reaction, given Liz’s particular fashion style and how they met. He had finally told his parents the truth, that he met her at the LGBT association he was part of, but aside from a bit of surprise, they didn’t say much on the matter. He hoped it was going to be okay.</p><p>Liz hugged him fiercely when he greeted her at the door. She whispered a small “congratulations” in his ear, patting him on the back. He told her about his coming out, after Eddie was calmed down and the situation was under control. She already congratulated him back then, but it was so nice to get to hear her say it again, now that they got to see each other.</p><p>Liz hesitated when Eddie came to her, but he was the one who opened his arms and invited her for a hug, and she hugged him back, while he was humming happily. She grinned at the sight of his scar, whispering something to his ear that Richie couldn’t hear, but that made Eddie laugh out loud. Everything was fine. Everything would be fine.</p><p>She went to salute Richie’s parents, shaking their hand and smiling at them:</p><p>“I’m Elizabeth Chase, but you can call me Liz. Don’t worry, I’m not about to sacrifice a goat or something. I’m harmless. Mostly.”</p><p>“Oh, we’re not worried. Richie got us used to a… how to put it lightly…a very unique fashion sense?” Maggie smiled, looking at Liz’s bracelets. “Is it really pointy? Or it’s just for the show?”</p><p>“It is pointy. And it can hurt pretty badly, if someone’s trying to mess with me. The last guy who insisted on trying to get my number regretted it instantly.”</p><p>Maggie touched the spikes once Liz allowed her to do so, curious about the whole thing. Their interaction was interrupted when Richie asked Liz to follow him, discussing with her in the hallway:</p><p>“Look, there’s another guest coming today. She… uh… She doesn’t know about Eddie and me, as far as I can tell. So, if you can...”</p><p>Liz nodded, putting her hand on his shoulder:</p><p>“Don’t worry, kiddo. I can play the part of the straight woman really well. And I’m not going to say anything about you and Eddie. It’s your choice, remember? I’ll never take that away from you.”</p><p>“Thanks, Liz. Really.”</p><p>She shrugged, probably to say that it wasn’t worth thanking her. Richie wanted to insist when the doorbell rang. He grimaced slightly, bracing himself for what was about to arrive. Hopefully, Greta would be… correct. She wasn’t going to play the part of the bully with Eddie or Liz, right? He opened the door, and there she was, head down, rummaging in her bag:</p><p>“Come on, it must be there somewhere!”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“The gift I bought for Eddie! For fuck’s sake, I didn’t forget it, did I? Fuck, fuck, fuck!”</p><p>Greta finally managed to find the small package, holding it up with a triumphant expression. Doing so, she gazed upon Liz for the first time. And she certainly didn’t have the reaction that Richie was expecting of her. Greta found herself staring, mouth agape, until Richie shook his hand in front of her eyes, calling her name.</p><p>“What? Fuck off, Tozier!”</p><p>Richie grinned, introducing Liz who was smiling just as much, giving a good look at Greta:</p><p>“Liz, this is Greta Keene. She’s… a friend, I guess.”</p><p>“Thanks for the introduction, Trashmouth. I’m deeply touched.”</p><p>Liz chuckled at her words, holding out her hand:</p><p>“I’m glad to meet you, Greta. I’m Elizabeth Chase.”</p><p>“Well… uh… glad to meet you too. I… uh...”</p><p>Greta was at a loss for words. That was a first. Richie stopped himself from teasing her, not wanting her to freak out when she was obviously having her first gay crush, inviting them all to join them in the living room. They sat on the couch and the chairs they put there previously, Greta instinctively sitting next to Liz, who was more than happy to let her do so and get to know her a bit more.</p><p>Richie definitely didn’t expect that. But if it allowed Greta to be distracted enough not to say something hurtful, he wasn’t going to say anything. They were both adults anyway. If Liz wanted to make a move, that was her choice. He cleared his throat, getting anyone’s attention:</p><p>“So, uh, I wanted to thank you all for being there. As you know it, we invited you over to celebrate Eddie’s recovery...”</p><p>Eddie grinned proudly, showing off his scar. God, he was really going to do that as much as possible, right? Richie wanted to spend the rest of the day kissing his cheek, but he’d do so this night, when they’ll be in their room. He took a deep breath, chasing away the naughty pictures his mind wanted him to think about:</p><p>“And the end of Bowers’ supremacy in Derry. We can only hope that the town will get better after what happened. I’m aware you don’t really know the place, Liz, but it’s pretty shitty.”</p><p>“I can imagine. Although, I’m starting to like its inhabitants quite a lot, I might say.”</p><p>She glanced at Greta, who looked down at her gift, fiddling with the paper.</p><p>“I wanted to thank you all for your support and your help.”</p><p>“<em>Me too. There are lots of things Richie and I wouldn’t have been able to get through if you weren’t there to help us. So, thank you all, really.” </em></p><p>“I didn’t do much,” Greta grumbled, eyes downcast. “I patched up Eddie. It’s not praiseworthy.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head, whining gently to get her to raise her gaze.</p><p>“<em>You saved us from Bowers once. And you’re going to testify at his trial, when I know that you never wanted to do that. It’s a lot, Greta. Thank you.” </em></p><p>Greta’s face was redder than ever, and she mumbled an embarrassed “You’re welcome”, visibly not used to this kind of attention. Eddie had made the right choice, inviting her over for their little party. Richie might never forget the type of person she was, but maybe he could forgive her. Beverly did so, after all…</p><p>They toasted happily, enjoying their alcohol-free drinks as well as the cookies that Richie and his mom baked earlier. Eddie was eager to talk with everyone, typing quickly on his lightwriter, happy that everyone was listening to him and including him in their discussions. Even Greta did so, although she was still a bit awkward about it.</p><p>Eddie had flapped his hands when he noticed Greta’s gift, opening it quickly to reveal a shirt. A shirt featuring Scar, from the movie “The Lion King”, and a sassy quote.</p><p>“I don’t know, it’s stupid. I saw it, and I thought that it could be funny. It’s dumb. I can take it back if you...”</p><p>Eddie shook his head, hugging the t-shirt against his chest. He would be more than happy to wear it, Richie knew that perfectly.</p><p>Overall, it was a wonderful afternoon. Richie got to talk a bit more with Mike and Eddie about their upcoming trip, trying to negotiate to take his own car when Mike wanted them to use his, trying to convince him that it would handle the journey better than his old machine. Yeah, he was probably right, but still! It was their first road trip, Richie loved his car too much to give up on the idea to use it.</p><p>But he finally relented when Mike reminded him that they really didn’t want to have a car breakdown and that it was likely to happen, if they took his car. It would delay their trip, causing Eddie to stress out. Okay, okay, they’ll take Mike’s car. That was decided.</p><p>Meanwhile, Liz and Greta took the time to get to know each other, talking endlessly until Greta had to leave, working at the pharmacy this evening. When she left, Liz showed off a paper with a number written on it to Richie, who gave her the thumbs up. He didn’t know if they would only remain friendly or if Greta would be willing to try <em>something else </em>with Liz, but Richie was happy that his friend took this shot. Liz deserved to have her happiness. And, well, if it was with Greta, who was he to judge?</p><p>When Liz left, she handed a few documents to Richie’s parents, brochures coming from the LGBT center, to help them understand this new aspect of their sons’ lives.</p><p>“I know it must be pretty confusing at the moment, but it’ll get better, I swear. I’m glad you’re trying, Richie and Eddie are so lucky to have you as parents. I… I wish I...”</p><p>Liz’s voice started to break. She rushed to say her goodbyes and left before Richie was able to stop her from doing so. Fuck, he hoped she was doing okay… He didn’t think that she would… Fuck. He really needed to call her. Tomorrow. After they all got some rest.</p><p>Mike was the last to leave. He hugged Eddie and Richie tenderly, thanking them for letting him come along, whether it was about their trip or their upcoming moving out.</p><p>“Of course, Mikey Mike. What would we do without you?”</p><p>“<em>Remember, I need you to watch over Richie. I don’t want to lose him in the park.” </em></p><p>Richie gasped exaggeratedly, while Mike and Eddie chuckled at his antics. Once Mike was gone, Richie immediately started to tickle Eddie mercilessly, causing him to laugh and scream, trying to squirm away:</p><p>“That’s because you’re treating me like a kid, Eddie Spaghetti. Well, kids love to tickle their peers, right? Suffer my wrath, you tiny gremlin!”</p><p>He didn’t tickle him for too long, knowing that Eddie was probably exhausted after this afternoon. Kissing him on the cheek, Richie whispered to him:</p><p>“I love you, Eddie. Thank you for being here.”</p><p>Despite everything, Eddie was still there. By his side. Richie couldn’t be happier. Well, Eddie kissing him back definitely made him even more overjoyed, that was for sure…</p><p>They could let it all behind. They’ll soon be out of here for their road trip, Eddie getting to go to an amusement park for the first time. And then… Then, they’ll start a new life. All three of them. After that, they won’t be any Losers remaining in Derry. Stuck in this stupid town.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Would you believe me if I told you that I totally planned Liz/Greta since I created Liz? I don't know why, I just pictured them together and I wondered if I ever would have the opportunity to write it in. Now it's done! It's not like they're gonna be together and in love immediately, but it's probably something that will evolve aside, while Richie and Eddie will live their own stories. </p><p>I'm really happy I got to write a Richie &amp; Maggie moment as well, it's been a while and I love to write them both. This chapter was nice to write overall, mostly fluff and good feelings c:. I had a good time. I hope you had too!</p><p>Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos if you feel like it. You can also subscribe to the story and this series, if you want to. </p><p>I hope you're all doing okay! Thank you for being here. Take care and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Chapter 31</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Welcome to the 31st chapter of this fanfic! We're closer to the end of this installment, I think I'll end it in 3 to 5 chapters from here. Then I'll start the next (last?) one afterward.</p><p>Gah, the heat is killing me, I hope the weather will get nicer real soon x_x. Thank god, I can change my mind a little by writing for this fanfic. </p><p>Thank you all for your kind words, they really help c:. I just got a very mean comment on my Tumblr blog and it helps a lot, knowing that you're all so nice and supportive. I don't understand why people are so mean sometimes...</p><p>Anyway, here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter: </p><p>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for mention of emetophobia</p><p>I think that's all for this one c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the third time Eddie rummaged through their bags, trying to make sure that they didn't forget anything important. They had enough clothes, he took his teddy bear, his white slate if his lightwriter were to be uncharged, his toiletry bag… Eddie was racking his brain, unable to think of something else they were supposed to take, when Richie hugged him from behind, kissing him on top of his head.</p><p>"I think we have it all, Eds. And if we're missing something, we could still buy it there. Don't worry, it's gonna be fine."</p><p>Eddie closed their bags, letting out a sigh. He was nervous. Excited too, of course, but mostly anxious right now. It was the first time he went on a road trip, especially for such a long drive. Well, while he was conscious, anyway… He had absolutely no memories of the time he moved out with his mom, his mother making sure that he was knocked out for their whole trip.</p><p>Richie said that their journey would be quite long, around a whole day, and that they would stop at a motel in the middle of it, get some rest and not put themselves in danger by driving too much. He also reassured Eddie, telling him that they would have breaks and that they'll stop as soon as possible if Eddie felt the need to leave the car for a while. He wouldn't be trapped there.</p><p>Eddie didn't want to be a bad passenger. It was supposed to be a fun trip for an awesome destination, and he didn't want to ruin it by being… well, himself. Hugging Richie back, Eddie typed on his lightwriter, looking at him with concerned eyes:</p><p>"<em>You'll</em> <em>tell me if I'm bothering you, right?" </em></p><p>Richie raised an eyebrow at his words, confused. He smiled at him, ruffling Eddie's hair:</p><p>"You're never bothering me, Eds. I swear. It's the first time you're traveling so long, I can understand if you're getting cranky along the way. If anything, I'm probably the one who's going to bother you, with my trashmouth."</p><p>Eddie shook his head, kissing Richie and caressing his cheek in a tender gesture. He wasn't going to let his partner badmouth himself like that, not if he could do something about it! Ending their soft kiss, Eddie rested his head against Richie's chest, while saying to him:</p><p>"<em>I like your trashmouth, Richie. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't kiss it so much, right?" </em></p><p>Richie chuckled at his words. Taking a step back, he grabbed their bags, smiling widely:</p><p>"Trust me, you're going to regret saying that after five hours or more stuck with me. And Mike. Poor Mike is going to jump from the car, at some point..."</p><p>Eddie grinned at Richie's words, imagining the scene clearly. Their dear friend, forced to handle their bickering, choosing to open the car door and throw himself on the road rather than listening to them one more second… Poor Mike, indeed. Eddie was going to do his utmost so that Mike would have a nice trip with them. And fun holidays as well. He deserved it, after everything he went through.</p><p>Eddie tried to take one of their bags, Richie avoiding him swiftly:</p><p>"I'm handling it! Let me be the strong man for once, Eds. You're always the strongest, protecting me and all, you can at least let me carry our bags. My fragile masculinity will thank you for that."</p><p>Eddie rolled his eyes, but he didn't insist, grabbing his backpack instead. They put in there everything that he might need for the trip, to keep himself calm and relaxed. The Slinky that Mike offered him, a stress ball lent by Went, his plush that Eddie decided at the last minute to put there, in case he'd feel the need to hug it and stim with it…</p><p>Maggie insisted for them to take some snacks as well, not wanting his boys to get needlessly hungry on the road. She was stuffing Eddie's backpack, while repeating tons and tons of recommendations that she already told them quite a few times:</p><p>"You never know when you're going to be able to stop. Oh, and take some water too! I don't want you to be dehydrated. Don't hesitate to call me to let me know if you're doing okay, alright? You can also call Dr. Park if needed, she'll help you in case Eddie might get too upset. Don't leave your motel room all alone if you need to go somewhere, okay? You never know what kind of people sleep there, I don't want you to..."</p><p>"Mom, mom, it's fine. We're adults. We're handling it."</p><p>Richie stopped his mother's speech before it went out of hand, hugging her gently. Well, if Eddie didn't know already from whom Richie had inherited his overbearing tendencies, it was quite clear now. He added to reassure Maggie, hugging her as well:</p><p>"<em>We'll</em> <em>call and send texts, don't worry. You can also call us if you want to." </em></p><p>"I'll try not to bother you too much. You earned this trip, after…"</p><p>Maggie didn't finish her sentence, all of them knowing very well what she was talking about. Went was the one who broke the ominous silence, joining them all in the group hug:</p><p>"Don't forget to take pictures. I'll make an album, you could bring it to your new place, when you move out. I'll make one for us as well."</p><p>Eddie liked this idea. He loved it very much. His mother wasn't really the kind to immortalize his childhood, and she threw away the few photos that she had of her husband, so much that Eddie could only rely on his memory to try to remember his father's face. This trip with Mike and Richie, that was something Eddie wanted to be able to relive from times to times. The pictures would help.</p><p>While Went took Richie aside, giving him some advice since it was his first road trip as well, Maggie held Eddie's hand gently, caressing his skin:</p><p>"If there's anything that is making you feel anxious, I want you to talk to Mike and Richie, okay? Don't try to keep it hidden because you think you should deal with that on your own. You don't have to. We want that experience to be good and amusing for you, and I'm pretty sure Richie will be upset if he were to learn that you didn't have a fun time, but didn't dare to tell him so."</p><p>Eddie grimaced. Maggie knew him all too well. He was aware that he shouldn't feel ashamed of the fact that he needed help from times to times, but he couldn't help it. He was too used to think of himself as a burden to see it otherwise. Nonetheless, he nodded, squeezing Maggie's hand while doing so:</p><p>"<em>I promise. If I'm getting stressed out, I'll talk to Richie and Mike." </em></p><p>"Good."</p><p>She kissed him on the forehead, adding with a loving smile:</p><p>"I'm really proud of you, Eddie. I know it's a big step for you, this trip. I hope it'll be a wonderful experience for you."</p><p>Eddie nodded enthusiastically, flapping his free hand. He never did something like that, whether it was this long trip, sleeping in a motel room, or going to a theme park, but he was ready for all of that and even more. </p><p>Life was made of new experiences, again and again, and shielding himself from that would mean that he would not be able to live to his fullest. And he was decided to do so, if only to spite his mother. If she knew what happened to him since her death, she would likely have another heart attack. And Eddie wasn't going to mourn her. No, he wasn't.</p><p>It was time for them to leave. Mike arrived, taking the time to salute Maggie and Went, while helping Richie putting the bags in his car's trunk. It was at this moment that Eddie noticed how red Richie was, trying to hide his embarrassment. When Eddie went to him, whining to express his curiosity and typing on his lightwriter to ask him what was wrong, Richie shook his head, whispering to him:</p><p>"Later, okay? I'll tell you when we're alone."</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow, not knowing what to think about all of that. He started to fidget nervously, and Richie immediately reassured him, kissing his scarred cheek tenderly:</p><p>"Nothing too serious, Eddie, don't worry. It's just… Dad being a dad. We'll talk about it in our motel room, okay?"</p><p>Richie winked at Eddie, kissing him a second time, before leading him to the car. Eddie didn't insist, even though he really wanted to know what it was all about. Did Went said something to Richie? And if so, what were they talking about? It was pretty obvious that Richie didn't want to discuss it while his parents or Mike were around, but still… Eddie wanted to know.</p><p>Eddie sat on the back of the car, as always, while Mike was behind the wheel. Richie seemed to hesitate, not knowing if he wanted to sit in the front or next to his boyfriend. Mike smiled knowingly at him, pointing behind him:</p><p>"Go sit in the back of the car, you mush. I'm pretty sure you're gonna get a stiff neck otherwise, spending the whole trip turning your head to look at Eddie."</p><p>"As if I'll ever do that!"</p><p>But Richie didn't protest, sitting next to Eddie, letting him rest his head on his shoulder. Eddie hugged him as well, happy to get to be so close to Richie for the rest of the trip. Richie chuckled, caressing his hair:</p><p>"I'm the best pillow you ever had, right?"</p><p>Eddie nodded furiously, agreeing wholly. He nuzzled his face against Richie's body, letting out a joyful sigh. He was ready for the whole trip. And even more. He detached himself slightly from Richie to wave at Maggie and Went when Mike took off, before going back to his previous posture, hugging Richie tightly. Mike laughed at the sight, adjusting his rearview mirror, saying enthusiastically:</p><p>"I hope you're ready for our long trip. We should see our motel in ten hours or so, depending on the traffic and how many breaks we'll have to take. Feel free to ask for one whenever, Eddie! You too, Richie."</p><p>"Yeah, yeah, dad, don't worry. If you start to get tired, let me know, okay? I'll drive too."</p><p>Eddie bit his lip at Richie's words. If only he could drive as well… Mike and Richie wouldn't have to exhaust themselves and to stay focused so long on the road. But he never learned how to do so, and he wasn't sure he could even get his license one day, no matter how hard he would work for it. With his disability, they might deem him unfit before he could even give it a shot…</p><p>An index finger poked his nose and Eddie instinctively frowned, his face getting an amused smile out of Richie:</p><p>"Something troubling you, Eds?"</p><p>Eddie shrugged. He wasn't really sure. He wasn't upset, per se, he was just a bit disappointed that he couldn't help more with this trip. He should be able to do something more, even if he didn't really know what.</p><p>He finally typed on his lightwriter, humming under his breath:</p><p>"<em>Sorry. I just thought I would like to drive too. I feel useless." </em></p><p>Richie kissed him on the forehead, hugging him afterward. Eddie enjoyed the feeling, a smile creeping up on his face. It felt like Eddie belonged there, in Richie's arms. No other place in this world felt as right as this one, curled up against Richie's body. If he could, Eddie would spend the rest of his life like this…</p><p>"You're not useless, Eddie. I'll tell you so as much as necessary. As for driving, I don't know if you'll get your license one day or what, but I could teach you. I'll find us an empty parking lot or a deserted road, and you could give it a shot."</p><p>Eddie's eyes widened at Richie's words. He looked at him with an astonished gaze, as if he wasn't sure he heard him correctly:</p><p>"<em>Really?" </em></p><p>"Of course, Eds. We'll try to find the time when we're home, okay?"</p><p>Eddie squealed happily, hugging Richie tighter. He always thought driving would be the kind of thing that he'd never be allowed to even try, but it wasn't the case. Richie was willing to teach him! He really said it! And if Richie said something, he was going to do it. He wouldn't lie to him, Eddie knew it!</p><p>Eddie hummed gleefully, rubbing his cheek against Richie's shoulder. He couldn't be happier. After everything they went through, life was finally willing to be kind to them, and Eddie was decided to appreciate it as long as it lasted. Meanwhile, Mike suggested that they'd put some music on and did so, Richie jumping on the occasion to sing along.</p><p>Eddie put his ear against Richie's chest, hearing his heartbeat and how his voice seemed to vibrate when he was listening to it from this angle. It was definitely soothing. Eddie didn't know how he managed to survive for so long without Richie by his side. His existence had been dull and meaningless without him, the daily life of a man forbidden to grow up, only allowed to be his mother's shiny doll to show off. Eddie was so much more than that, and he was clearly conscious of it now…</p><p>His eyes glued to the window, Eddie discovered so many new landscapes that he never got to see before. It was… It was incredible. So different from Derry, from Bangor, from where he used to live with his mom… It was now that Eddie truly realized that there was a whole world out there, waiting for him to explore it. He detached himself from Richie, putting his hands against the car window, mouth agape.</p><p>"You can open the window, you know."</p><p>Eddie let out a soft "Oh" at Richie's words. He didn't know he was allowed to do it. His mother never let him do so, pretending that his fragile lungs wouldn't be able to stand the toxic air or that he might get some germs. Maybe she was afraid that he would be tempted to jump out and escape her grasp…</p><p>Eddie rolled down the window nervously, as if he was expecting his mother to scream at him. But nothing bad happened. He shyly put his hand outside, cooing when he felt the cold air against his skin. He took it back, closing and opening his fist, getting used to this new feeling.</p><p>Meanwhile, Richie was looking at him with a tender gaze, slightly sad as well, but that wasn't something that Eddie was able to perceive. Not lingering on it, he put his hand out again, closing his eyes. Such a simple thing, and yet, it was definitely new. Eddie missed out on so many things in his life, it was kinda scary to think about it…</p><p>While Eddie was enjoying this feeling, Richie and Mike started to discuss their upcoming stay at Disney World, arguing playfully on the rides they wanted to do:</p><p>"You're kidding me, Mike? You're not going to try any roller coaster? Come on, don't be such a grandpa!"</p><p>"I don't know, man, do I really want to puke my intestines out, or do I want to enjoy my time there? Such a difficult choice to make..."</p><p>"What's the point of going to a theme park, if not to give you a fright? Mikey Mike, seriously! I'll do one of your grandpa attractions if you're giving a shot to at least one roller coaster. Deal?"</p><p>Mike hesitated for a second, before he sighed and let out a resigned "Deal", causing Richie to loudly voice his enthusiasm. His near-scream reached Eddie's ears, who was zoning out and enjoying the fresh air on his fingers, and he jumped while whining. Richie apologized, ruffling his hair:</p><p>"Sorry, Eds. I was just celebrating the fact that I managed to convince Mike to give a try to a roller coaster. You wanna do one too, right?"</p><p>Eddie looked at Richie with a confused gaze. To be honest, he wasn't quite sure what a roller coaster was. He knew that there were rides at Disney World and that it was supposed to be fun, but he had a hard time picturing it. He shrugged, admitting to Richie and Mike:</p><p>"<em>I don't really know what it is." </em></p><p>Richie gasped at his words, as he often did when he realized how little Eddie actually knew of this world. He hugged him for a second, before assuring him with a determined voice:</p><p>"You'll get to discover it. And enjoy it. Once we get to Disney World, I'll take a brochure and a map, and we'll get a good look at it. That way, you could know more about the rides and decide what you want to do. Okay?"</p><p>Eddie nodded. God, so many things he was about to discover… Eddie was starting to feel slightly dizzy, thinking about it. He went back to nuzzling against Richie, while his boyfriend was caressing his hair, the way Eddie loved so much.</p><p>"And you're not going to force Eddie to try on a roller coaster if he doesn't want to, right?"</p><p>"As if I'll ever do that! I won't force my Eddie Spaghetti to do anything!"</p><p>Mike chuckled at Richie's words, adding with a cheeky tone:</p><p>"I spy with my little eye favoritism."</p><p>"Tss, absolutely not. Eddie's better at pulling off the puppy eyes than you are, Mike, that's all. I can't resist it."</p><p>As if to prove Richie's point, Eddie raised his gaze towards him, looking at him with his big brown eyes and slightly puckering his lips. Richie immediately obeyed his silent request and kissed him, while Mike was trying his best to focus on the road, smiling at his friends' behavior.</p><p>"See? Can't resist! 'Tis a curse! An unfathomable curse!"</p><p>"<em>Shut up and kiss me again." </em></p><p>"Yes, Eddie Spaghetti."</p><p>And Richie kissed him again, and Eddie was the happiest man in the world. They spent the next hours hugging, talking, teasing each other, Eddie playing gently with Richie's fingers. At some point, Richie fed him some snacks, and Eddie accepted them gladly, doing the same for his boyfriend. He passed some snacks to Mike as well when they were stopped at a red-light, not wanting him to feel too hungry or left out.</p><p>Mike stretched his arms and yawned, saying out loud:</p><p>"I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired. How about a little break? There's a service station not far from here, according to the map."</p><p>"Yeah, no problem. Do you want me to take the wheel after?"</p><p>Mike nodded, accepting gladly to get some rest after so many hours. They stopped at the service station that he mentioned previously, and they all got out, Richie stretching his giant limbs while Eddie was doing the same, relieved to be able to get out a little.</p><p>"Okay, bathroom break. I bet we can also buy some awful coffee there, we definitely have to do that."</p><p>"Why would you want to order something terrible, Richie?"</p><p>"Part of the charm, Mikey Mike. It's like the food on an airplane, it's disgusting, but it's a reminder that you're on a trip and that you're going to a place where the food is definitely better. Come on!"</p><p>Mike shook his head with a smile, trailing behind Richie and Eddie. Eddie was standing near Richie, a bit nervous. He never went to a service station before. How was it inside? Was he supposed to know some basic rules? What if he messed it up? He whined anxiously, and Richie grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly:</p><p>"It's okay, Eds. We're here. There's nothing to be scared of. We'll just get a coffee or something, rest for a while, go to the bathroom, and then we'll be on our way. Okay?"</p><p>Eddie nodded. He was slightly relieved to feel Richie's hand against his. It helped with his anxiety, knowing that he was there. The place didn't seem out of the ordinary. There weren't too many people, only a few customers, and a cashier. Eddie eyed the bathroom nearby, pulling on Richie's hand.</p><p>"What? Oh. You want me to go there with you?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, getting red at the thought. How stupid he was, getting scared to go to a bathroom all alone? But Richie didn't mock him. He only winked at him, squeezing his hand once again:</p><p>"Okay, let's go. Mike, can you order us something to drink? I'll take a coffee, as sugary as possible, and Eddie, you…?"</p><p>Eddie hesitated, but he managed to make his choice, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>Orange juice, please." </em></p><p>Mike nodded, getting to the counter while Richie was guiding Eddie to the bathroom.</p><p> Eddie winced at the smell and at the state of the bathroom. It was… It was disgusting! It reminded him of his high school's bathroom stalls, how awful it could be, sometimes. He gulped, while Richie apologized:</p><p>"Yeah, it's not really the best. I took your hand sanitizer, and you can put some toilet paper on the toilet bowl, so that it's not too disgusting. You're gonna be okay?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, refusing to think that he could need Richie's help for something like that. He was just going to the bathroom, nothing terrible about it! He was still quick to put his hands under the water and wash them thoroughly when he finished his business, relieved to be able to use his hand sanitizer as well. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting!</p><p>People were really gross sometimes. How could you leave a bathroom in such a state? Eddie was tempted to ask for some cleaning products to the owner of this store and cleanse it all, even if he had to spend the whole day on it. But Richie quickly distracted him from his obsessive thoughts, getting far away from the bathroom and joining Mike, who was waiting for them with their drinks.</p><p>"Thanks, Mikey Mike. How much?"</p><p>Mike shook his head at Richie's words, taking a sip of his coffee cup:</p><p>"Don't worry. It's on the house."</p><p>Richie didn't insist, but Eddie started to whine, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>You don't have to pay for all of that. I have tons of money." </em></p><p>"It's fine, Eddie, don't worry. And you shouldn't say that out loud. You never know if someone might listen."</p><p>Eddie apologized, grabbing his orange juice and drinking from it. He noticed that some customers were looking at him, specifically at his scarred cheek. It was quite noticeable, to be honest. It was the first time Eddie really got to see people's reactions to it, and he would probably need a bit of time to get used to it. At least, they weren't looking at him as if he was helpless, which they tended to do as soon as they noticed that he was disabled.</p><p>When they finished their drinks, they left the store to walk a little more, before going back to Mike's car. Mike sat next to Eddie, and Eddie, getting tired, rested against him, closing his eyes and slipping his fingers between his lips. Richie smiled at the sight, admiring him in the rearview mirror:</p><p>"Have a good nap, Eddie Spaghetti. Don't worry about a thing, Mike and I are handling this trip. Get some rest."</p><p>Mike was comfortable. It wasn't quite like sleeping with Richie, but Eddie appreciated it nonetheless. He felt safe, curled up against Mike, his friend draping him delicately with his arm. Letting himself be soothed by Mike and Richie's conversation, Eddie progressively fell asleep, a light snore escaping his throat.</p><p>He drifted on and off during the whole trip, waking up all confused to get back to sleep a few minutes later, his eyelids fluttering. It was a lot, this trip. They were so far away from everything Eddie knew, it was just easier for him to sleep through it than to ponder on all of it, getting more and more anxious at the number of unknown things he was coming across and that he hadn't experienced yet.</p><p>He didn't stir up when Mike and Richie stopped again to take a break, both of them taking turns to keep an eye on Eddie and go to the service station for a drink and a bathroom break. His dreams were mostly pleasant, filled with joyful moments yet to come. They were far away, the nightmares that were usually plaguing his naps and his nights… Eddie was far too happy for his mind to conjure them.</p><p>Finally, he was gently shaken up, opening his eyes to see Richie facing him. It was nighttime, and the car was stopped.</p><p>"We arrived. We already paid for our rooms. Can you stand up?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, getting on his feet slowly. He was currently half-asleep, resting against Richie while they were walking to their room.</p><p>"I cleaned it up a bit while Mike was watching you. He's in his room now, a few doors away from ours. You can take a shower if you want."</p><p>Eddie shrugged, sitting on the bed, sliding his fingers between his lips while he was slowly waking up from his slumber. Once he was more conscious, he raised his head towards Richie, who was sitting next to him and caressing his hair mindlessly, while watching a movie on TV. He immediately focused back on Eddie when he realized that he was ready for them to talk, smiling widely:</p><p>"You see? You weren't a bother during the trip. You were awesome."</p><p>"<em>You too. And Mike as well. I love traveling with you." </em></p><p>"Yeah, it's great. We should do that more often. Next time, it'll be to see the Losers, okay?"</p><p>Eddie nodded happily. Smelling his own odor, he decided that it was time for a shower, grabbing Richie's hand so that he would come with him. That was their routine, and Eddie didn't want to change it. They showered together, Richie taking extra care of him, Eddie washing him tenderly. He was relieved to slip on his clean pajamas, sitting back on the bed next to Richie.</p><p>"So… uh… you remember before we took the car? When I was all embarrassed and shit?"</p><p>Eddie nodded. He did remember. And Richie promised him to explain why. His partner sighed, rummaging through their bags, pulling out a box. A box full of condoms. Eddie gazed at Richie with a curious stare, while Richie shrugged:</p><p>"Don't ask me, Dad insisted. He said that he would feel more at ease, if he knew that we'd protect ourselves. I told him that I didn't plan to jump on you as soon as we'd be in our hotel room, but he insisted, and I didn't want to upset him. So, uh, there it is."</p><p>Eddie looked at the box curiously, reading the instructions on its back. Richie cleared his throat, fiddling with his glasses:</p><p>"We… uh… We don't have to do anything, you know? It's not because we have this box that… uh… shit, I'm being awkward, now. Fuck."</p><p>Richie hid his face behind his hands. Eddie reached for them, pulling on them gently to get to look at his boyfriend. A gentle smile on his lips, he typed on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em>We could join Mike for a sleepover. I bet he must feel lonely, in his tiny room." </em></p><p>Richie smiled as well, seemingly grateful that Eddie changed the subject. He ruffled his hair, getting up and holding his hand out for him:</p><p>"Yeah, you're right. Let's go keep Mike company, I bet he'd be happy. We could find some flick to watch together as well. Take your pillow."</p><p>Richie took his own as well, while Eddie grabbed his and his teddy bear. They joined Mike, who was lying on his bed and watching a movie lazily. He gladly welcomed them in his room, and they managed to all take place on the bed, Eddie at the center, Richie and Mike surrounding him in a warm embrace.</p><p>No, definitely, Eddie couldn't be happier… It was perfect. Just perfect.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Mike, Richie and Eddie are finally having their road trip! It's been so long since I thought about this, I'm glad I finally get to write it. I'm enjoying writing them having a nice time, all fluff and no angst c:. I think I need it, actually xD.</p><p>I hope you liked it as well. Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos. You can also subscribe to this series and story.<br/>I can't wait to see what you thought about it!</p><p>Take care! See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Chapter 32</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone, welcome to the 32nd chapter of this fanfic! God, we finished the second installment at this point, I feel like every installment is getting longer each time xD. A few more chapters and we'll be done with this one, on to the next one.</p><p>I finally have my title, thanks to impacticaljoker on Tumblr. The next installment will be titled "Together" and it might be the last (I'll see when I'll write it). In the meantime, let's enjoy this one while it's still ongoing!</p><p>Thank you all for your kind words and your support. I hope you'll like this chapter.</p><p>Here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for ableism<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for mention of racism<br/>TW for self-harm</p><p>I think that's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When he woke up, Richie could see that Eddie was quite confused. He didn't know how much time passed since his boyfriend opened his eyes, but he was clearly lost, looking around him, sucking on his fingers. Richie grabbed his glasses quickly, putting them on, gazing at his partner to try to gauge a little bit better his current state. He probably woke up not too long ago, given his hazy stare… Eddie was definitely still half-asleep, his brain waiting to catch up with the rest of his body.</p><p>Richie caressed Eddie's cheek, managing to get his attention and alleviate the stress that started to take over his mind. He smiled at his boyfriend, opening his arms for him:</p><p>"Hey, Eds. Come here."</p><p>Eddie didn't think for long, nuzzling happily against Richie, letting out a soft sigh. Richie caressed his hair, and his partner hummed at the gesture, hugging him tighter. Eddie was always so tactile when he wasn't totally awake, it was incredibly cute. If he could, Richie would spend the rest of the day cuddling right there, keeping his Eddie Spaghetti close and filled with love, but that wasn't the plan.</p><p>They still had a long journey ahead, and the earlier they arrived, the best it would be for Eddie. He could get used to his new room, get some rest, give a look at the various brochures Richie would collect for him, and be fully prepared for the next day. Eddie needed this stability, especially in a place that would be clearly noisy and filled with people. The last thing Richie wanted was for Eddie to get anxious about something that was supposed to be fun.</p><p>Of course, if Eddie was upset and needed a quiet time, Richie would drop everything to allow him to relax and get away from what was stressing him out. He wouldn't force Mike to do the same, although he doubted that their friend would want to have fun on his own. Richie was happy to go to Disney World, but if Eddie struggled and suffered so that he could enjoy it, it would be even worse than giving up and wasting the tickets he bought.</p><p>It wouldn't be a waste anyway. Eddie needed to make his own experiences, and it didn't have to be exclusively positive. At least, he'd be able to say that he tried, even if it didn't work out. But Richie didn't want to think about that yet. He wanted to believe that Eddie would have fun and appreciate his stay. He earned it, after everything he went through.</p><p>Richie caressed Eddie's scar mindlessly, while his partner had stuck his ear against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Eddie handled the long trip like a champ, the day before, and Richie hoped it would be the same today. He had been nothing but sweet, and Richie loved to share this journey with him.</p><p>He had been so wholesome, curled up all over Mike, snoring and sleeping, letting out happy noises from time to time. Richie thanked Mike later for accepting so gracefully to become Eddie's pillow, and Mike only laughed, adding that it didn't bother him in the slightest. They had such a good time afterward, joining him in his room to watch some movie and spend a few more hours together.</p><p>Eddie had been the first one to crash, despite how long he slept while they were driving. Richie couldn't blame him. It was the first time Eddie traveled so far, not counting the times he did so while barely conscious or entirely out of it. And it was also a first for him, sleeping in a motel room with Richie, so far away from home. No wonder he was so exhausted. It was a lot of new things to get through, even if Eddie had an easier time handling it, knowing how long it was supposed to last and being prepared beforehand for it.</p><p>When Richie carried him back to their room, he spent a long time watching him, ensuring he wasn't experiencing any nightmares. It was a relief to see him sleep naturally without taking those pills that he dreaded so much. Richie didn't think that it was a bad thing to use sleeping pills, his mom did so for a while when she started to get clean and used to spend hours staring at the ceiling. But Eddie's past clearly justified his trigger, and Richie wasn't about to negate his feelings.</p><p>Richie couldn't stop smiling, hearing Eddie's soft snore, the way he would whine and mumble incoherent syllables. He could swear that he heard him say his name at some point… or tried to, anyway. It must have been a pretty good dream. Good. Very good. If Richie didn't have to see Eddie screaming and scared shitless by his nightmares anymore, he would consider himself lucky. But as much as Richie was suffering, witnessing Eddie's pain, his partner had the worst deal, having to go through it again and again. As if what he experienced wasn't enough suffering…</p><p>Richie felt lips against his, and he stopped zoning out, coming back to reality so that he would be able to appreciate this gentle kiss. Looking at his face and his smile, Eddie was definitely awakened this time. He had grabbed his lightwriter, typing on it quickly:</p><p>"<em> Good morning, Richie! Rise and shine, we have a long road waiting for us!" </em></p><p>Richie yawned, stretching his arms, ruffling his boyfriend's hair:</p><p>"Hello, Eddie Spaghetti. You're right, there are still miles and miles to cross before arriving at our destination. Shall I lead you to the bathroom, my liege?"</p><p>Richie kissed Eddie's fingers, earning a chuckle from him. He rolled his eyes afterward, but he wasn't really convincing, especially after Richie heard his delightful laughter. That's how his Eddie Spaghetti was, and Richie loved him more and more every second ticking by. Eddie took his hand, caressing it gently:</p><p>"<em> Let me follow you, my knight." </em></p><p>Richie couldn't smile more, even if he tried to. It always warmed his heart whenever Eddie indulged him, appreciating his humor, his answers in the same vein as Richie's cheesy lines. He was used to people ignoring him or "beep-beeping" his jokes, but Eddie never did.</p><p>Even if he was annoyed, it was usually playfully, and he would enjoy their banter as much as Richie. And Richie actually did his best to not go too far with him, something he wasn't always careful about with other people. Because Eddie suffered enough without having to handle hurtful words coming from his boyfriend, one of the people he should be able to trust in any given situation.</p><p>Grabbing spare clothes for Eddie and himself, Richie went to the bathroom, closing the door behind them. It was now their ritual, Eddie undressing Richie, Richie taking off his boyfriend's clothes. Richie wasn't the only one taking care of his partner, Eddie was participating too. Richie felt that it was necessary, so that Eddie would maintain his autonomy and feel valued. And, to be honest, Richie loved it whenever Eddie cared for him, carefully undressing him and making sure that he was doing it properly.</p><p>When Eddie took off his glasses, he grabbed Richie's hand, letting him know where they were. Always so attentive… Richie could feel his heart melt, appreciating every single little gesture Eddie did specifically for him. They stood under the showerhead, starting to wash the other. Richie, always the wiser when it came to Eddie's well-being, brought their shampoo and soap with them, knowing that his boyfriend would probably despise the feeling of cheap products that they could find in motel rooms. If they could keep their rituals and some parts of Eddie's routine, Richie was sure that he would handle it all better. Richie would do anything he could so that Eddie wouldn't get anxious uselessly. It wasn't hard, bringing their products for the trip. Just small things that made everything else much easier to deal with.</p><p>He couldn't imagine Sonia Kaspbrak making this sort of effort for her son. It's not like she wanted Eddie to feel at ease and relaxed. The more he was stressed out and on the verge of a meltdown, the more she could use him as a prop so that people could pity her as well as admire her for being such a "good mother".</p><p>Eddie's meltdowns and shutdowns always had a reason, something that explained why they happened. Sometimes, it was as simple as turning off a flickering light or allowing him to go to a quiet place for a moment, so that he could stim as much as he needed and get some rest. Sure, other times, it was more complicated.</p><p>Eddie had a painful past to deal with, a handful of triggers that he was clearly sensitive to, and it could be challenging for him to express how he was feeling. But they never gave up until Eddie felt better. Even if that's all they could do, Richie, his friends and family let him know that he wasn't on his own and that he could rely on them and get it all out. But Mrs. Kaspbrak never gave him that. She hurt him so much…</p><p>Richie shook his head, chasing away those negative ideas. He was having a good time with Eddie and, soon enough, Mike too. He didn't want to let Mrs. Kaspbrak's memory ruin that. Eddie looked at him with a confused gaze, a concerned whine slipping past his lips, and Richie reassured him, kissing him on the forehead:</p><p>"Just a few bad thoughts, Eds. They're gone, I'm okay."</p><p>Eddie moaned again, cupping Richie's face, wanting to be sure that his partner was truly fine. God, he was too much. Richie loved him more than mere words could ever express it. He took his hands in his, kissing them gently:</p><p>"I promise, Eddie. I'm okay. I'll let you know if I'm not. Do the same for me, alright?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, before focusing on getting Richie clean, pampering him in the process. Richie wondered what the child he used to be would think, knowing that he would actually enjoy showering when he'd be grown up. He would probably feel utterly betrayed.</p><p>Richie was definitely a gross kid, certainly opposite to how Eddie must have been. A shame he didn't have any pics left from his childhood… Richie would have enjoyed it so much, getting to see his Lil'Eddie Spaghetti, so cute in his short overalls (because Eddie must have had this kind of clothes, Richie would bet on it).</p><p>When they were done, they dressed up, putting on their own clothes this time. That way, Eddie wouldn't lose his good habits and would still be able to do it if they couldn't maintain their ritual in the future. Richie didn't know what their life would be, in a new flat with a job that he didn't quite look for yet… He would definitely have to, when they'd be home.</p><p>Once they were ready, they exited the bathroom, gathering their stuff, making sure that they didn't leave anything behind. They were about to finish when someone knocked at the door. Richie opened, revealing Mike, who was holding two plastic bags filled with food and drinks.</p><p>"Breakfast delivery for Mr. Tozier and Mr. Kaspbrak!"</p><p>Richie smiled widely, inviting Mike inside:</p><p>"I certainly hope that Mr. Hanlon is included, I'll have to throw a fit if he isn't. How can you forget the Great Mike Hanlon, the magnificent Mikey Mike, the..."</p><p>Mike shoved one of his bags in Richie's face, shutting him up quickly:</p><p>"Don't worry, I didn't forget him. How could I?"</p><p>Richie grinned, while Mike turned his head towards Eddie, greeting him with a warm smile:</p><p>"Hello, Eddie. I hope you slept well."</p><p>Eddie nodded happily, a delighted expression when he noticed the smell coming from the plastic bags' content. He bounced on the ball of his feet, before giving a look around and wondering, raising an eyebrow:</p><p>"<em> Where are we going to eat?" </em></p><p>Richie brought the bag he was holding on the bed, tapping the mattress:</p><p>"Well, we can sit there, Eds. There should be enough room for us three."</p><p>Eddie grimaced at the thought. A bed wasn't a place to eat. Then again, they didn't really have a desk or anything like that to enjoy their breakfast. And Eddie definitely didn't want to skip on his meal, an important part of his routine, and an essential part of maintaining a healthy physical condition. He pouted slightly, causing Mike to chuckle:</p><p>"Don't worry, we'll clean the bed thoroughly if that makes you feel better. And we're definitely not going to eat in our room, when we get to our hotel in Disney World. I swear."</p><p>Eddie looked at Richie for it to be confirmed, and Richie nodded, smiling to reassure him. Eddie finally relented, thinking that it was a chance for him to do something that he wasn't used to, in a safe space with people he knew wouldn't mock him.</p><p>He sat cross-legged, getting enthusiastic when he noticed that Mike got him a hot chocolate and a few pastries, as well as a plastic cup filled with orange juice. He hummed happily, while Richie thanked Mike:</p><p>"You're the best, Mikey Mike. What would we do without you?"</p><p>"Probably not much. That's why you're letting me tag along."</p><p>Richie gasped exaggeratedly, and Eddie did the same, imitating his boyfriend's expression clumsily. They were soon laughing and Eddie, wiping his hands carefully with a napkin, typed on his lightwriter:</p><p>"<em> We do need you, Mike. But you're with us because you're our friend and we love you. Never think otherwise." </em></p><p>Mike remained silent for a minute, his fingers clutching his coffee cup. He finally smiled, answering with a wavering voice:</p><p>"I love you too, Eddie. And Richie, of course."</p><p>Richie scoffed theatrically, putting the back of his hand on his forehead:</p><p>"So I'm just an afterthought? After everything we went through, Mikey? The passion, the art, how much we were in sync on the dance floor?"</p><p>"I don't know what kind of life you used to lead, but it was definitely not with <em> this  </em>Mikey."</p><p>Mike pointed at himself, winking at Eddie, who seemed slightly unsure about Richie's humor and finally fully realized that it was a joke. He snorted, which made Richie smile even more. He loved nothing more than to hear his Eddie Spaghetti snorting like that. It meant that he was definitely amused and unable to hide it or pretend that he wasn't.</p><p>They ate their breakfast for the rest of the time, discussing who would drive first, where they should stop, and giving a last look to the road map. Eddie listened to them and participated whenever he can, but he was mostly enjoying his breakfast and the simple idea of spending so much time with the people he loved dearly. If only the other Losers could be there too, it would be awesome.</p><p>Once they finished eating, Eddie cleaned the bed thoroughly, while Mike and Richie checked once again that they didn't forget anything. It was utterly important to not leave anything behind, especially if it belonged to Eddie. Richie couldn't imagine how heartbroken Eddie would be if he were to forget his plush… No, he didn't want to think about it. At all.</p><p>But the teddy bear was right where it belonged, and their room was clean. Mike already checked his own and gave back the key, meaning that Richie just had to return theirs, and they would be able to leave this motel and head towards Disney World. This time, Eddie accompanied him, walking beside Richie while Mike was waiting for them in the car.</p><p>The hotel owner didn't say much while grabbing their key, just checking that they left the right address and a number in case the room was trashed, but Richie was confident that the guy would never see a room as clean as theirs was. Eddie made sure of that.</p><p>Eddie was slightly relieved when the owner barely gave him a look, probably used to meet all kinds of people while on the job. He definitely saw weirder people than a young adult fidgety and scarred. When it was done, they joined Mike in the car, Richie sitting in the back and letting Eddie use him as a pillow once again, clearly enjoying the feeling.</p><p>"Come on, Mikey Mike! To infinity and beyond!"</p><p>Mike turned on the engine, laughing at Richie's antics, before focusing back on the road. He put on some music at a low volume. They enjoyed the ride, alternating between singing, discussing various subjects, teasing each other, and letting a comfortable silence take place here and there.</p><p>Just like the day before, Eddie's gaze was glued to the car window, absorbing all those new landscapes, so different from Derry or what he could see from his mother's flat's windows. Maybe they could travel again, at some point. Not for a particular destination, just to see and experience as many things as possible. Eddie wanted to climb on top of the highest mountains and swim in the deepest seas and lakes, as long as Richie would be there with him, letting him know that he wasn't alone in this big adventure.</p><p>After a while, they stopped at a service station, stretching their legs and enjoying a cup of coffee or chocolate. Again, Eddie was stared at, something Richie, Mike, and he definitely noticed. As much as he'd rather be looked at because of his scar than his disability, it was still an uncomfortable feeling. When he saw a person walking three times in front of the same products without picking anything, only wanting to get a good look at him, Eddie whined out loud, squirming in his seat.</p><p>Richie and Mike exchanged a quick look, before Richie put his hand on Eddie's, asking him gently:</p><p>"Do you want to leave?"</p><p>Eddie nodded, and they didn't wait any longer. Richie let him grab his arm, conscious that he probably needed the comfort right now, and they walked back to Mike's car. Richie was about to take the wheel, but Mike shook his head:</p><p>"I'm fine for a few more hours. We'll stop a bit later. Get behind with Eddie."</p><p>Noticing that Mike and Richie didn't switch their places, Eddie started to feel guilty and hummed anxiously, putting his fingers in his hair to try to yank it. Richie stopped him immediately, grabbing his hands and moving them up and down slowly, whispering softly to his boyfriend:</p><p>"It's okay, Eddie. Breathe deeply. Inhale, exhale. You're upset, and it's okay. It's understandable. Do you remember what you're supposed to do when you want to hurt yourself?"</p><p>Eddie nodded shyly, an ashamed expression on his face. Richie let go of his hands, and Eddie started to close his fingers around his thumbs, again and again, focusing on the motion while Richie kept on reassuring him:</p><p>"Mike asked to drive a bit more. It's not your fault, it's his decision. If he gets tired, I'll take his place or stop for a while until he's ready to go again. It's not a big deal. Right, Mike?"</p><p>Mike nodded. He hadn't started the car yet, wanting to make sure that Eddie would be okay before doing so. He was looking at them, smiling at Eddie who glancing at him, waiting for his confirmation:</p><p>"Yeah, no worries, Eddie. You have every right to feel hurt. These people are the worst."</p><p>"<em> Is it going to be like that every time?" </em></p><p>Richie sighed at his question. He caressed Eddie's hair gently, answering truthfully:</p><p>"Yeah, probably. Very often, anyway. It's not on you, it's just… Most people aren't used to see stuff like your scar. They stare because they don't know what to make of it. They can stare too when you're stimming or when I'm getting over-excited, because they're not used to see it."</p><p>Eddie had stopped stimming as his therapist taught him too, sliding his fingers between his lips to suck on them, a thoughtful expression on his face. Richie continued his speech, still caressing Eddie's hair, making sure that he wasn't biting his hand:</p><p>"People like you and me, we're… they don't consider us "normal". Because society, as a whole, doesn't consider us like that either. They're not used to see disability, just like people in Derry and somewhere else might be prejudiced against Mike because they think he's "other" too."</p><p>Mike grimaced at his words, but he nodded as well. For most of his life, Derry's folks refused to consider him part of the town, like any citizen. They looked at him, and they saw his skin color, nothing else. They didn't care about who he was, his aspirations, his qualities, his flaws… They only cared about what they thought of him, and it was definitely wrong.</p><p>Richie couldn't wait to get away from Derry. A new place, a new life in Bangor, with Mike and Eddie. It would be for the best.</p><p>"It's not on you. You don't have to feel guilty or hide or anything like that. It's okay to get upset and angry. I can even give them a piece of my mind for you, if you wish so. I have a few creative insults in mind for those assholes..."</p><p>Eddie managed to smile and hugged Richie, Richie hugging him back. Mike asked if they were okay, and Eddie nodded, telling him that he could drive without having to worry about him. He was fine. He had Richie. And he knew that he didn't do anything wrong. It was just… life being fucked up, as usual.</p><p>Eddie's anxiety soon got the better of him, and it wasn't long before his eyelids started to flutter. He straightened up, trying to remain awake. He already slept for a while yesterday, while Mike and Richie were driving. He had to… He shouldn't…</p><p>His head was bobbing up and down, his mouth agape, his expression getting confused. He was clearly tired and yet, refusing to lose this battle. Richie smiled at the sight, putting his arm over Eddie's shoulder and guiding him to curl up against him again.</p><p>"Don't worry your pretty little head, Eds, and get some rest."</p><p>Eddie whined, typing sleepily on his lightwriter:</p><p>
  <em>"Don't want to. Selfish. Want to stay with you." </em>
</p><p>"Hey, don't say that, Eddie. You're not selfish. It's a long trip, and you got anxious, it's fine that you're getting tired. Nothing wrong with that. Come on, Eds, stop resisting. I'll wake you up once we get near to our destination. That way, you'll be completely awake when we'd be there, okay? I promise."</p><p>Eddie hesitated for a second, before finally nodding. He didn't want to miss too much, and he was scared to spend his first late afternoon and evening napping, when he could have fun with Richie and Mike. If Richie promised that he would wake him up, Eddie believed him. And of course, Richie wouldn't lie.</p><p>Eddie barely had the time to rest his head against Richie's shoulder before he started to snore, unable to resist any longer. He remained like this for most of the trip, not even stirring up when Richie and Mike traded places. Whenever it was safe to do so, Richie glanced at Eddie, making sure that he was comfortably installed and that he wasn't experiencing any nightmares.</p><p>He started to get agitated and whine out loud at some point, but Mike was quick to wrap him in a gentle embrace and sing a soft lullaby in his ear, enough to comfort him and put him back to a peaceful sleep.</p><p>Richie and Eddie were lucky to have him as a friend, that was for sure. He took such good care of Eddie, while taking the time to reassure Richie and discuss with him, keeping his voice low to not stir up his sleepy friend.</p><p>After a while, Richie rambled about their upcoming stay to a Mike who clearly expected him to do so, sooner or later:</p><p>"I took some earmuffs for Eddie, he could wear them in the park, when it gets too loud for him. I wanted to take some earplugs, but he can't stand them for more than a few seconds. I called the hotel to remind them of Eddie's disability and make sure that they'll get us a room without screaming children next door. Your room is next to ours, so you can visit us whenever you want. God, what if he starts to freak out during a ride? What are we supposed to do? They have guidelines for this kind of stuff, right? They..."</p><p>"Richie. Breathe."</p><p>Richie interrupted himself, obeying Mike's gentle order. Breathing slowly. In and out. Okay, better.</p><p>"I'm sorry, it's my overbearing tendency again, I..."</p><p>Mike put his hand on Richie's shoulder, squeezing it quickly.</p><p>"It's gonna be fine. Eddie will have a great time and us too. The staff is definitely trained, Eddie is far from being the first disabled guest there. It's gonna be alright."</p><p>And Richie wanted to believe Mike. He really wanted to. Because Eddie definitely deserved to have fun and to forget about everything for a while. To get a few days without having to think about his mother, Bowers, what happened to him… He definitely earned it and even more. Richie felt his throat closing up, and he stopped the car as soon as he could, hands gripping the wheel.</p><p>"I was so scared. I was so fucking scared for him. I still am. When I close my eyes, I… I see his cheek split open, bleeding and bleeding and bleeding, and I hear him laughing and crying, and… and..."</p><p>Making sure that Eddie wasn't disturbed in the process, Mike unbuckled his seatbelt, reaching for Richie's back and hugging him as much as he could in this position.</p><p>"Eddie's okay. He pulled through, as always. He's strong, so strong. And he has you. He has us. Now, we're going to have a real fun time, then we'll plan our moving out. A new flat, a new job, a new beginning. Away from Derry, from this fucked up town and its fucked up folks. But right now, we're all just going to allow ourselves to behave like some kids and have fun at a theme park. You earned it too, Richie. Really."</p><p>Richie put his hand on one of Mike's arms, letting out a long sigh. He whispered that Mike earned it as well, before closing his eyes, focusing on his breathing for a while. When he got calmer, he managed to smile, turning his head towards Mike:</p><p>"I'm okay. I'm fine. I think we're getting quite close. You should wake up Eddie."</p><p>Mike nodded. While Richie was driving away, his friend helped his partner to stir up, Eddie yawning and rubbing his eyes, always the sleepyhead. Once they arrived, Eddie was completely awake, and he looked through the window with widened eyes, clearly wonderstruck.</p><p>Their hotel was directly in the park, a music-themed hotel cheap enough (compared to the other hotels, anyway) to allow Mike and Richie and Eddie to rent two rooms after having already bought their tickets. It was expensive, but Richie had some money on the side, and Eddie did as well, if he wanted to buy some souvenirs to remember their stay. They could do something like that from time to time. They had the means to do so.</p><p>Once their car was parked, Richie and Mike looked for a staff member to talk to, while Eddie was looking around him, mouth agape, clearly overjoyed. So many colors and lights and the music! It was maybe a bit too much for him, at the moment. He started to put his hands over his ears, humming nervously, his behavior noticed by the staff member.</p><p>The woman got closer to Eddie, managing to get his attention, before giving him a card, greeting him and explaining shortly to him:</p><p>"Here's your guest assistance card. You'll have to keep it with you at all times. That way, we'll know to look out for you and provide you with the assistance you need. I'll lead you three to your rooms, and then you can do whatever you want in our hotel, as long as you're respecting the rules. If you need any help, you or your friends can ring me up. I'm Betty, and I'll specifically take care of you three during your stay."</p><p>She had a warm smile on her face, devoid of any malign intention. She must have had some training because she didn't flinch when she noticed his scar and didn't dumb down her vocabulary. She handed a few brochures to Richie, before leading them to their rooms. Just as promised, they were in a quieter area, away from screaming children. Betty opened them their door, before letting them on their own with a few last words:</p><p>"Don't forget, if you ever need, ring up the standard and ask for Betty. I'll see what I can do to help. Have a nice stay!"</p><p>Once they were all alone, Mike having put his stuff quickly in his own room before joining his friends, Richie immediately ditched their bags and ran to the bed, jumping on it and laying down with a satisfied expression.</p><p>"So fluffy! Eds, Mike, you gotta try it! Come on!"</p><p>Mike didn't hesitate for a second, but Eddie was still dazed, looking everywhere with his mouth agape. Jumping on the bed? They shouldn't! It wasn't appropriate! They…</p><p>"Eds!"</p><p>Richie called him out once more, opening his arms for him. This time, Eddie just acted on his impulse, joining his friends and jumping towards Richie's warm embrace. He laughed out loud, flapping his hands, while being cuddled by Mike as well as Richie. Finally. Finally, they were there. And Eddie could allow himself to be a kid again. Or maybe to act like a child for the first time in his life.</p><p>He wasn't scared of getting sick anymore. He wasn't forced to stay on the side while everyone was having fun. He was included, fully included, and his friends wouldn't go anywhere he didn't want to be or couldn't be. At the thought, Eddie almost cried. No, he actually started to tear up. More than that, he even sobbed, gripping Richie's shirt, hiding his face against his chest. He was happy, he was so happy and… and it was definitely a lot.</p><p>Richie hugged him, and Mike did the same. They rocked him gently, letting him the time to calm down. They had all the time they needed. They were finally here. Where they could have fun. Where they could forget everything else, if only for a little while...</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>That's it, they finally arrived! Next chapter, they'll finally get to enjoy their stay. Some of it will be inspired by my own experience at Disneyland Paris and the other part by my search. I'll try to be as accurate as possible. If any of you went to Disney World in the 90's and feel something is not quite right, don't hesitate to let me know!</p><p>I'm so impatient to write Richie, Eddie and Mike having fun, they definitely deserve it. Some break from angst, it's doing wonders for my mood, despite the heat and the exhaustion x).</p><p>I hope you liked this chapter! Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos, I can't wait to see what you thought about this chapter. You can also subscribe to this series and/or this installment, if you wish to do so.</p><p>Take care, have a nice day and see you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Chapter 33</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello, everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Here's the 33rd chapter of this fanfic, hope you'll like it. I think there's still two or three chapters left and I'll be done with this installment. Damn, I've written so much more than I thought I would. More than any of the things I've ever written before, I think. It's thanks to you all, you're wonderful c:. Thank you for your kind words and for still being here after all this time.</p><p>Here are the Trigger Warnings for this chapter:</p><p>TW for ableism<br/>TW for internalized ableism<br/>TW for mention of homophobia<br/>TW for self-harm</p><p>I think that's all. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Eddie finished typing his text to Maggie and Went, telling them that they were all okay and that he was impatient to finally get to experience a day in a theme park. Once he was done, he laid down on his bed, arms stretched, looking at the ceiling. Richie and Mike were downstairs, bringing back some food for their breakfast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After discussing it, they decided that it would be best if they didn't have to eat with everyone else at the restaurant in their hotel. Eddie wouldn't have to handle the noise so early, meaning that he would be more energetic for the rest of the day. Thankfully, the staff was understanding and didn't make a fuss about it. They were all aware of Eddie's disability and accommodated it as much as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie ran his fingers through his soft jumper, appreciating its fluffy texture, humming under his breath. They had two whole days to enjoy their time here, before having to get ready to leave. Eddie was decided to make the most of it, even if it meant that he would be exhausted afterward. It was the first time in his life he was allowed to have fun, and he didn't want to waste it, not if he could do otherwise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He chuckled, thinking about the moments he would get to spend with Richie and Mike. He was so happy that their friend accepted to come, it made everything even more awesome than it already was. Eddie saw it clearly last night, when they took a look at the park's various brochures, so that they would be able to plan their days: Mike was delighted. Their friend, always so mature and responsible, seemed finally decided to let out some steam and allow himself to be childish again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He clearly needed that, after everything they went through. As much as Mike tried to assure that he was okay and that it was all behind him, Eddie clearly noticed his haunted gaze, from times to times. He was probably still thinking about the Derry Library fire, maybe about Eddie as well. He did see him covered in blood and completely out of it. But Mike, as always, refused to acknowledge that he might not be okay, preferring to care for his friends instead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie was determined for Mike to have a great time, even more than himself. Of course, it mattered that Richie enjoyed it too. Eddie just wanted two of his favorite people in the whole world to have fun, was it too much to ask? He hoped it was not the case.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Getting bored while waiting for Richie and Mike to come back, Eddie rolled over on the bed, his hands grabbing his plush to hug it and move its arms mindlessly. He decided that he was not going to take it for the day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His teddy bear would stay here, safe, and secure. Eddie didn't want to risk losing it, given the crowd he was going to have to face and how everything will probably be highly distracting. This plush was one of the only things that remained from his father, and Eddie couldn't handle the idea of misplacing it. Chewing on his plush's ear, Eddie started to think about his dad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Would he have taken him to a theme park, if they had the chance? Eddie liked to think that he would. He needed to believe that Frank Kaspbrak would have been a wonderful father, because that's how he remembered him. The few memories he had of his dad were so wholesome and tender, they made him miss what he never had. What would his father think of him, if he could see him right now?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few months or weeks ago, Eddie would have immediately thought that his father would look down on him, given his issues and the number of things he couldn't do or that he needed help to accomplish. Now, he had the feeling that his dad would be proud of him. Proud that he managed to do so much, despite what he had to go through. Proud of his bravery. Just like his family was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While he was pondering this idea, his bedroom door opened, revealing Richie and Mike bringing back a trey filled with supplies for their breakfast. Eddie straightened up on the bed, flapping his hands joyfully when he noticed the amount of food and drinks he would choose from. The old Eddie would have freaked out at the sight, but this Eddie was cooing happily, waiting for Richie and Mike to sit by his sides so that they could enjoy their breakfast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie handed him a juice box, ruffling his hair:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, it was probably for the best that you didn't come, it was quite crowded. Even Mike wanted nothing more than to have some peace."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike nodded, confirming Richie's words. Eddie smiled at his boyfriend, warmed up by his words. Richie always made sure that Eddie knew whenever the way he was accommodated benefited them as well. It helped Eddie to feel less guilty, knowing that those he cared about appreciated it too. He didn't like the idea that he was forcing something on Mike and Richie that they wouldn't want to do otherwise…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once their breakfast was eaten, Eddie took the time he needed to tie up his shoes, while Richie and Mike were rummaging through their backpack, making sure they didn't forget anything important. His heartbeat was rising slightly, knowing what was to come. Eddie felt like a kid again. No, more than that. He felt like he could actually be just a child this time, not a sick and fragile doll to protect from the rest of the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Standing up, Eddie started to bounce impatiently on the ball of his feet, whining out loud so that Mike and Richie would pick up the pace. Richie laughed when he heard that, asking with a grin:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My, My, Eddie, so hasty that you forget to brush your teeth? Who are you, and what have you done to the love of my life?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie blushed, embarrassed by Richie's term of endearment as well as his oversight. He really almost skipped brushing his teeth? Eddie Kaspbrak, for real? He took care of that immediately, joined quickly by Mike and Richie, before it was finally time for them to leave. Mike handed him a pair of fluffy earmuffs, that Eddie tried on before to make sure that he would be able to stand its texture.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Here. You should probably put it on already. We're going to be in quite a crowd, it should ease the transition."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie put them on without hesitation, causing Richie to smile widely, clearly delighted by the sight:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Eddie Spaghetti, how can you be so adorable? Cute, cute, cute!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie pinched his cheek, and Eddie moaned as a protest, swatting his hand away. But he calmed down as soon as Richie kissed him on the forehead, appreciating the soft and wet feeling. Grabbing Richie's arm, Eddie followed him closely, Mike trailing behind them. Richie looked at him with a gentle smile, not trying to get away from his grip:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you okay, Eds?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded. He typed quickly on his lightwriter, before hugging Richie's arm tighter:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fine. A bit nervous. I don't know what to expect."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie's voice was slightly muffled by his earmuffs, but Eddie could still hear them, which was all that mattered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, I get it. I'm nervous too. I just want it to be a fun experience for you both."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie pouted at Richie's words, adding immediately:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>And you too!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie raised an eyebrow, before laughing shortly, caressing Eddie's hair:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't worry, I'm gonna have fun, big time. This place is heavenly for overexcited sugar-addicted guys like me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We'll try to keep up with you, Richie, but we're probably going to have to rest at some point." Mike smiled, walking beside Eddie. "Eddie and I are old men, that's just how it is."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shook his head vehemently at Mike's affirmation, while Richie grinned cheekily:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not gonna forget you, that's for sure. We need to take care of our Elders, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie rolled his eyes, poking at Richie's cheek:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>I'm</em></span>
  <em>
    <span> younger than you, asshole. You're the oldest of this group, Richie, you're the one we should take care of."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie put the back of his hand over his forehead, while Mike was clearly laughing at their antics:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't remind me, Eddie, I'm still in my prime. Let me enjoy my denial for a little bit more, okay? Unless…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie smirked even more, telling to Eddie with a smart-arsed tone:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Unless you want me to be your Sugar Daddy, Eddie Spaghetti."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie raised an eyebrow, confused. After a long sigh, Mike volunteered to explain this term to him, whispering to his ear. Eddie's eyes widened, and he punched Richie's arm, albeit he didn't put any strength into it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey!" Richie protested, wincing exaggeratedly. "That's an honest proposition. Think about it, truly, it could..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie whined and flicked Richie on the forehead, interrupting him in the process. Mike did his best to calm them down, not wanting Eddie to be already exhausted before they even left the hotel. Reaching the lobby was Eddie's first step in what would be the world he would evolve in for the next days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He instinctively tightened his grip on Richie's arm, feeling intimidated by the number of people here. Too many for them all to pay attention to him, fortunately, but a few of them still glanced at him, his scar and his behavior. So many folks, Eddie didn't know what to make of it. The earmuffs muffled the noise a bit, but it was still more than anything Eddie ever had to handle. Richie caressed his cheek, managing to get his attention:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're doing okay, Eds? If you don't feel like it, we can just turn back. It's okay. You tried, it's what mattered."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shook his head, not wanting to give up so soon. Sure, it was a lot, but Eddie could bear it. Mike and Richie were here, they were going to have some well-deserved, and that's all. He gave his friend and his partner a thumbs-up, letting them know that he was doing okay and handling it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was thankful that they decided to trust him and to proceed further. Eddie was still used to people disregarding his feelings and what he wanted, whether it was because they didn't think he could do whatever he wished to accomplish or because they thought he could do it, even though he made very clear that it wasn't the case. But right there, right now, Eddie wanted to step out of his comfort zone and enjoy his time at this theme park. And Richie and Mike understood it perfectly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clutching to Richie even more when they left the hotel, Eddie looked around him with eyes full of wonder and a bit of worry, while Mike was reading a map and trying to find the way to the ride they wanted to try on first. He indicated a direction to his friends, getting them to follow him:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>It's a small world </span>
  </em>
  <span>shouldn't be far from here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Man, we're going to have this stupid song stuck in our head for the rest of the day. You're really sure you want this to be our first ride?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike folded the map, sighing with a knowing smile:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Richie, it's iconic. We need to kick off with one of the most emblematic rides here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There are plenty of emblematic rides, besides the one with the creepy puppets singing a lullaby."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie whined to get their attention, typing on his lightwriter:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>We don't have to do it if you don't want to. It's okay."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie shook his head, stopping his walk to cup Eddie's chin and look at him with a gaze full of affection:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nah, I'm pulling your leg. I'm glad to do that with you. Everything you want to do, I'll be there with you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He added, glancing at Mike:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"With you too, Mike, of course!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Always happy to be the third-wheel, man."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie, who clearly didn't expect it, had a chocked-up laugh, coughing for a short moment afterward. He rolled his eyes, getting Mike to step closer, putting his free arm over his shoulders:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Get over here, Dumbo, and stop saying such bullshit. It wouldn't be as fun as it is without you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded approvingly, and Mike smiled from ear to ear, obviously appreciating that they let him know that once again. Eddie knew that he would say it to his friend as much as needed, and he was pretty sure that Richie had the same thought. Mike really should be aware of how great and essential he was to them… To Richie and Eddie, of course, but to the rest of the Losers Club as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie sighed, a soft expression on his face:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The Losers would have loved it here. We really ought to come back there with them, at some point."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I agree. I'll have Bill to be the third-wheel with me, at least."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie chuckled, while Eddie pouted and tried to poke Mike, despite his partner standing between them. He was quick to stop, though, his focus shifting to the noisy crowd they were currently facing. So many people, every one of them different from the others… Eddie clutched to his earmuffs when a screaming kid, loudly demanding his defeated parents to buy him some candies, walked by them, too close for his liking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie immediately grabbed his hand, helping him to stim and to concentrate on this feeling rather than the high-pitched scream that was still ringing in his ears, although the kid was nowhere to be seen right now. Sometimes, Eddie really hated his brain and the weird things it chose to latch on…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thankfully, they finally arrived where they wanted to go, Eddie pulling on the cord around his neck to show his disability pass to the staff member at the ride's exit. The guy checked it out, smiled at them, and saluted them, letting them in. It was a bit weird, having to walk in a direction when most people were going the other way, but that's how things were.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A few people were already there, a woman in a wheelchair with her husband and their two kids, as well as a father with a girl with Down syndrome. They were waiting patiently for their turn, the man striking a conversation with Richie, who was the closest to him:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're tagging along too for the free "don't wait in line" advantage? I don't even know this woman, as beautiful and wonderful as she seems to be."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman fondly rolled her eyes, pulling her husband's arm so that he would be at her level, kissing him on the cheek:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't mind my husband, he has a terrible sense of humor. I'm Debra, this is my annoying hubby, Jack, and these are our two amazing kids, Calvin and Matt. Say hi, boys!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The oldest, who must be around fifteen, raised his head from his phone for a moment, giving the nod, before he stopped paying attention to them. The other, who was probably seven or so, saluted them happily, getting too close to Eddie and trying to put his hand on his scarred cheek. Eddie took a step back, whining anxiously, and the mother scolded her son.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Matt, remember what I told you? Keep your distances, and don't touch anyone. I'm sorry, he's at this age where he's just so tactile."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Debra looked at Eddie, who was hiding slightly behind Richie, gripping his arm tightly. She smiled gently at him, showing him her own disability pass:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hi, you. Look, we have the same. We're probably going to see each other a few times, waiting in our line. We already saw Ted and his daughter twice since we arrived here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man nodded politely, but focused back on his daughter, obviously not in the mood to meddle with them. Richie introduced himself, letting Mike and Eddie do the same. After his friend, Eddie typed on his lightwriter, slightly nervous about the woman's reaction, but she kept on smiling, her husband keeping their youngest son close so that he wouldn't bother Eddie once again:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>I'm</em></span>
  <em>
    <span> Eddie. It's my first time here. Nice to meet you."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"First timer, huh?" Jack grinned, sharing a gaze with his wife. "You're going to enjoy it. We came here quite a few times already. It's not easy to find an accommodating theme park, so when we found one, we stuck to it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie grimaced at his words. Yeah, he could definitely understand it. He couldn't imagine going to a similar place with Eddie, where his needs wouldn't be taken into account. It would be a nightmare, devoid of any fun. As much as this family's various challenges must be different, Richie felt a faint connection between them. They knew what it was like.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Matt loves this ride. We never miss it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The teenager groaned audibly, and his parents laughed, Jack adding cheekily:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The next one is for you, Calvin, and you know it. Matt won't go to this ride without you by his side, it's tradition."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Debra glanced at Eddie for a second, before asking with a concerned voice:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No one bothered you yet?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shook his head, letting out a curious whine. She clarified, a reassuring smile on her lips:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't worry, it shouldn't be the case. It's just that, sometimes, other guests can be… invading. And annoying. I had this mother and her three-year-old kid who insisted on becoming my friend, hoping that she'd get to skip the line if she was with me. I had to explain to her that it didn't work like that, and she lost interest, but not before insulting me. Shame, I lost such a good friend..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her last words caused them to chuckle. Mike inquired, just before they had to climb on the ride:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And the staff is treating you well?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, I never had any trouble with them, so far. I hope it'll be the same for you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was now time for them to enjoy their first ride. Eddie was unable to contain his excitement, flapping his hands and humming happily. It was really happening! He was at Disney World, and he was going to try on his first ride!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie put his arm over his boyfriend's shoulders, enjoying the sight of his delighted face more than the ride itself. Not even the annoying song could stop him from grinning widely, falling in love once again with Eddie's big doe eyes, full of wonder and cheerfulness. He wanted nothing more than to kiss him on the cheek, but he couldn't do so, not in public. He had to be careful. Another Henry Bowers could be among them…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie's mood started to darken, but Eddie pulled on his sleeve to get him to focus on a puppet, and he quickly went back to smiling, his partner working his magic on him. How could Richie remain upset when Eddie was so visibly gleeful?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie was bouncing on the ball of his feet when they left the ride, while Mike was humming absentmindedly the dreaded song, probably stuck in his head for the rest of the day. They saluted the family on their way out, Richie keeping an eye on Eddie to make sure he wouldn't get too distracted and start to wander away in the process, but he didn't have to worry. Eddie immediately grabbed his arm, using the free one to flap it energetically, before typing on the lightwriter:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>It was AWESOME! So many colors and puppets and I loved it. I want to go back!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Later, Eddie, okay? Mike needs to get this song out of his system for now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike was whispering the lyrics under his breath, his expression clearly showing that he wasn't enjoying it in the slightest:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It's a world of hopes and a world of fears..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded, chuckling at his poor friend's current situation. Okay, he wasn't going to force that on him so soon. Eddie could be merciful. Sometimes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While still humming the horrendous song, Mike grabbed their map, giving it a quick look before saying aloud:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, the next one is </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Barnstormer</span>
  </em>
  <span>, right? Eddie will get a first taste of what a rollercoaster can be like, and he'll see if he wants to try on something a bit more thrilling afterward."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yup, that's what we talked about. Still okay with that, Eds?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded, grinning from ear to ear. Despite the noisy crowd and how he could feel himself getting slowly tired, he couldn't be happier. He followed Richie, who was himself guided by Mike, who took on the responsibility of holding the map very seriously. Eddie's eyes widened when he noticed a man dressed as Prince Charming, pulling on Richie's sleeve.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What? Oh, yeah, you'll see plenty of characters here and there. You wanna get a picture with Princey?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shook his head, feeling slightly embarrassed. It's not that he didn't want to, it's just… most of the people who came close to the staff member were kids and… and he definitely wasn't. But Richie knew his partner very well and reassured him:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, Eds, it's fine. You're not the first adult to get a picture with the guy, far from it. He's used to it, I swear. Look, there's a line where you can use your disability pass, you won't have to wait too much with the crowd around."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie still hesitated, and Mike took over, a soft smile on his lips:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"All three of us, with Prince Charming. I bet Went and Maggie will love this picture. Don't you think?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That's what finally got him to agree and to let go of his internalized shame. Richie got the attention of a staff member nearby, showing Eddie's pass. Eddie heard a few protests from people waiting for their turn, but Mike told him not to pay attention to it, and he did so. If they wanted so much to benefit from his disability pass, they just had to be disabled as well, Eddie was sure that they would love the trade!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guy playing Prince Charming's part was nothing but sweet, asking before putting his hand on Eddie's shoulder, Eddie allowing it for a few seconds, letting the staff member took a picture of them all. He was still relieved when the man stopped touching him, not at ease with strangers putting their hands on him. He waved at the man, who waved back politely, already focusing on the next guests in line.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Look at that, Mike! Prince Charming is about to steal my man! Well, not without a fight, that's for sure!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike rolled his eyes fondly, while Eddie gave all his attention back to Richie, hugging him and nuzzling his face against his body, whining in protest. He clearly disagreed with everything Richie just said, showing him his affection even though he knew that his partner was only joking. Because Eddie loved Richie and he didn't want him to have a single doubt about that, even for a second.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They finally took off and arrived at the next ride. They didn't see the friendly family again, but Eddie didn't care, too excited to get to try on a new ride. He was humming and swaying on his feet, when the staff member who took notice of Eddie's disability pass got closer to them, saying quickly to Richie and Mike:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You do know that he's going to have to ride with an adult by his side, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie raised an eyebrow, glancing at Eddie and Mike, before answering back:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, I know. I also know that he's an adult too and that you can talk to him. He definitely understands you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The man gave a quick look to Eddie, before apologizing to him and his friends as well. Eddie accepted his excuses, mostly because the guy looked exhausted and probably needed a break, but he clearly didn't appreciate what just happened. People were speaking to him now, not over him! He deserved to be respected, and it was the bare minimum he should get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Thanks, Richie. I was stunned."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Any time, Eddie. He should know better than to treat you like some kid."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Definitely. I hope he's the only one who will act that way. We'll definitely have to talk to someone otherwise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded thoughtfully, before focusing back on the ride. He couldn't wait to try it! Thankfully, they didn't have to wait for too long. It was short-lived, but full of sensations and left Eddie wanting even more. He was shaking his legs slightly when they got off the ride, while Richie and Mike were stretching their bodies, clearly suffering:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well, definitely not a ride for tall people." Richie grimaced painfully, massaging his neck. "I guess it must have been perfect for you, my tiny angry gremlin."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie glared at him and stuck out his tongue, Richie doing the same childishly and enthusiastically. Mike smiled fondly at their antics, while stretching his legs. No, definitely not made for people like him or Richie…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They wandered in the park for a while, climbing on the various trains to visit the different sections of the theme park. It was incredibly big, Eddie couldn't wrap his head around it. After a few other rides, he started to get hungry, saying so to Richie and Mike.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm starving too, good point. There's a fast-food here, let's eat."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We should probably buy it and eat it somewhere else. It's gonna be overcrowded."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good idea, Mike. What would we do without you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie winked at him, clapping his back, before walking towards the establishment. He smiled when he noticed the line specifically conceived for the disabled guests, relieved to know that they wouldn't have to stay here for too long:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Blessed is the disability pass, for it allows Eddie Spaghetti not to know the dreaded horror that comes with waiting at a fast food line."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie pretended to be praying, and Eddie chuckled, clutching to his arm. Truth to be told, it was REALLY noisy there and he was glad that they could leave the place soon. He wouldn't be able to stand it for too long… A staff member handed them a menu for them to look at and Eddie had just let her know about his choice, when someone tried to get their attention, clearly displeased:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, what the fuck? My wife and I, we've been waiting for half an hour, and you're serving him?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The waitress sighed and explained briefly, visibly used to this kind of interaction:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sir, our guidelines stipulate that disabled guests should be served first. You're next in line, you just have to..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't care! You know how much I paid to be here with my family? I think I paid enough to not have some cripple cutting the line right in front of me!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie groaned audibly, typing on his lightwriter and glaring at the man:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck you!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He noticed a quick smile on the waitress' face, who immediately concealed it and tried to calm the man, but he wasn't having it:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This little freak insulted me! What are you waiting for to throw him out? Have you seen his face? He's scaring my daughter!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pointed at the toddler in his wife's arms, who started to cry, facing so much anger and agitation. Her mother tried to calm her down, pulling on her husband's sleeve to get away, but he still insisted, pointing at Eddie's scarred cheek before looking at Richie and Mike:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"What were you thinking? It's a kids' place here, not a freakshow! Cover him, for fuck's sake!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie put his hand on his cheek, unable to believe what was happening right now. He let go of his lightwriter, still attached to the small cord around his neck, the machine bouncing lightly against his chest. Cover him. Cover him. Cover him. As if he was nothing but disgusting. As if he should hide, because… because…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie grabbed Eddie's arms and hugged him tightly, shushing him gently and whispering sweet words to his ears. Eddie barely noticed that he started to hit himself and that his boyfriend stopped him from doing so, humming loudly and anxiously. The waitress called for some back-up, and one of her colleagues handled the family, while she led them to the restroom, devoid of any presence at the moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie sat on a chair, Eddie on his knees, rocking him and calming him as much as possible, while Mike was discussing with the waitress, who kept on apologizing:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm so sorry, I should have been able to stop that before it went too far. I'm really, really sorry, is there anything I can do to help? Should I call someone?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike glanced at Richie, who shook his head and shushed Eddie gently, who was now wailing and trying to get away from his embrace to scratch his scarred cheek. Disgusting, he was disgusting!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike sighed, feeling frustrated to not be able to help Eddie as well, answering to the staff member:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We… We're handling it. Can we have a water bottle and something soft to eat? And would it be possible to get our order and leave when Eddie is calmer?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Of course, Sir. I'm really, really sorry for the inconvenience. Your order will be on the house, of course. And you can eat here, it's pretty quiet. If you need me to, I could call someone to give you a ride back to your hotel or something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thanks. We'll see if it's necessary."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman nodded, giving Eddie a pained glance before going to the kitchen to get them what Mike asked for. Once it was done, Mike sat next to his friends, putting the water bottle and the savory donuts on the table, for Eddie to eat and drink once calmed down. He was already starting to tire from his meltdown, whining and resting his head against Richie, soft sobs escaping his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's okay, Eds, it's okay. This man was an asshole, don't believe any of the stuff he said about you. I promise, I love your scar, and I love you. You're my beautiful Eddie Spaghetti, and nothing will ever change that. I swear."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie kissed him on his scarred cheek, again and again, Eddie letting him do so. He sniffled, eyes red and blotched, tears still rolling down his face. Mike put his hand on his friend's knee, squeezing it gently:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, Eddie, I didn't think it would escalate so quickly. I should have said something."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shook his head, too tired to formulate a single sentence. It wasn't Mike's fault if… if he was…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie kissed his scar once again, getting Eddie to look at him:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Eds, listen. You remember how proud you were of this scar when the stitches were taken off? Nothing's changed. It's still proof that you survived. That you're stronger than Bowers or any idiots that can't get past what they're seeing. Would this guy have been able to pull a knife from his own cheek to stab his childhood bully? I don't think so. You're worth so much more than this asshole, I promise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Again and again, Richie kissed him and, progressively, Eddie managed to calm down. He was exhausted when it happened, Richie helping him get rehydrated while Mike cut his donuts in tinier pieces so that Eddie would be able to munch on them. He ate a few of them, unable to swallow more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can you stand up, Eddie?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie tried to, but he had to give up. He was so, so tired. What just happened, it took so much out of him… He wanted nothing but rest. And yet… Eddie managed to use his lightwriter, typing slowly:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Not back to the hotel. Have fun."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie shook his head, kissing Eddie quickly, brushing his hair:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you're not having fun, then neither are we, Eds, remember? It's okay. We still have tomorrow, maybe later today, if you're up to it, but you don't have to. We already went on quite a few rides, and we even took a picture with Prince Charming, can you imagine? So many things to tell mom and dad!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie smiled, hoping to get the message across. Thankfully, Eddie was too tired to protest, and he rested on him, his eyelids fluttering. Mike got up, informing them:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm going to find this waitress, see if she can call us a cab or something to get back to the hotel."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie nodded, focusing back wholly on Eddie, who struggled to remain awake. It didn't last for long. His grip on Richie's shirt got weaker, and a soft snore escaped his lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had no idea when and how they went back to their hotel, but they did, and he woke up a few hours later, feeling rested, even though he was still quite tired.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie was hugging him tenderly, keeping him safe from any possible nightmare. Mike was sitting on a nearby chair, reading a book he took with him in his luggage. They both smiled at him when they noticed that Eddie woke up, Richie kissing the top of his head lovingly:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey, sleepyhead. How are you feeling?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie yawned, rubbing his eyes. He was feeling tired. And… And a bit down, to be honest. Probably more than that. His hand reached for his scarred cheek thoughtfully, but Richie gently set his fingers aside and put his lips on his scar, more than happy to show him his love like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I love you, Eds. Mike loves you too. And this scar, it's a part of you. I love it just as much as you, because it's you. It's you surviving all the shit you went through and being there, with me, despite everything. I love it, and I love you, and I'll never tire of saying it to you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie kissed Eddie's lips, a chaste kiss just to remind him of his feelings towards him. Eddie nodded quietly, his mind still catching up with the rest of his body. Putting his book away, Mike joined them, sitting on the bed and smiling at Eddie:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We can stay here if you want. There's a swimming pool and other stuff if you're up for it. Or we could just stay in your room, I'm fine with it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie shook his head. It was precisely because he wanted to isolate himself and stay here that he couldn't allow himself to do so. He wasn't going to let this asshole ruin his fun! Their fun! Grabbing his lightwriter, he typed with a concentrated expression on his face:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>No. I want to go back and do some other rides. I want to take pictures and laugh and enjoy this moment with you both. It's our thing. He's not allowed to take it away from us."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike and Richie glanced at each other, before Richie nodded, helping Eddie on his feet:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Okay, champ. We're going back. Eat and drink something first, though. And I guess you might want to take a shower after all of this?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie grimaced. Yeah, he was clearly sweating, he needed the shower. It would help him relax. Feel better about himself, about going back, about facing all of those people again, and the assholes among them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He shouldn't care. This guy wasn't worth it. Everyone else had been so kind and accommodating. Why should he care about this one dickhead, when everything was so good until he came along? He would probably never see him again. And it was for the best. Eddie wasn't going to let any of his bullies ruin their fun, not anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a meal and a shower, Eddie was ready to go back. To enjoy his stay, with Richie and Mike by his side. And no one will take that away from him. No one.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's it for part one of Eddie, Mike and Richie at Disney World! Part 2 will arrive soon. I hope you liked this chapter!</p><p>Some of it was inspired by my own experience at Disneyland. I did have a staff member telling my friends that I needed to be accompanied by an adult to go on a ride, unprompted (mind you, I'm 26 years old, 27 at the end of the year. My friends were next to me and were going to ride with me anyway). A random lady tried to get in the line with us at some point, not understanding why I got to get to the ride faster than she was (she didn't insist, thankfully, when I told her why). Some people were visibly upset when we used the line for disabled guests, whether for the ride or eating, but I was lucky enough not to get a screamer, unlike Eddie. </p><p>As for the guy getting upset at Eddie's scar, it's not my story, but someone else's. This person was burned and slowly healing, although their body would remain scarred for life. Someone actually had the galls to ask them to cover their skin because it was "upsetting their kid". It's just... ugh. Revulsing.</p><p>There are other things that happened, but I'll see if I'll use them in the next chapter (and even if I don't, I'll share it in my author's notes). </p><p>I hope you liked this chapter. Wasn't easy to write, I spent quite some time studying the various rides and making sure that I didn't put one that wasn't open yet at the time. I would hate to be too inaccurate x).</p><p>Thank you for your attention. Don't hesitate to let me know what you thought, either by leaving a comment or a kudos, if you feel like it. You can also subscribe to this series and this installment.</p><p>Take care! See you soon!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Chapter 34</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone! Welcome to the 34th chapter of this fanfic! I don't know if the next one will be the last or if I'll split it in two parts, but this installment will definitely be ended in a few days! Gosh, what an adventure! I definitely didn't expect to write four installments for this series when I started it, but that's how it'll be. Thank you all for your continuing support c:. It's thanks to you that I was able to write so much!</p><p>Anyway, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for homophobic slurs<br/>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for mention of homophobia<br/>TW for mention of ableism<br/>TW for sexual content</p><p>I think that's all. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Richie was still amazed by Eddie’s bravery, no matter how many times his boyfriend showcased it. He was able to bounce back from the abuse he went through as a child and a teenager, despite the many issues he still had to face. He defended himself against the man who threatened to kill him and the people he loved, going as far as pulling a knife from his own cheek to stab Bowers with it.</p><p>And he was able to say “fuck” to the people who kept trying to put him down, because he was different, because he looked different, because of all those things that made him a visible target. Someone who, according to some of the assholes who badmouthed him, shouldn’t even show his face in a public setting, because they were forced to see him…</p><p>It took a lot of inner strength to endure that and decide anyway to go out and have fun. And Eddie could do that. He could do that and even more. Richie would never cease to be impressed by his partner’s tenacity. He wished he could be as strong as he was, and he wanted to be, if only to give Eddie the support he needed.</p><p>Richie was slightly concerned when Eddie decided to go back to the theme park after his meltdown and nap, but he wasn’t one to try to say to his partner that he couldn’t do something, especially if Eddie assured him that he could. Eddie’s free will had been stomped on so often that Richie refused to be another person in his life to tell him that he couldn’t do this or that. He had to restrain his Mother Hen instinct, and Mike was really helpful, keeping an eye on Eddie and on Richie as well.</p><p>None of them regretted for one second to have decided to bring Mike with them for their trip. It was obvious that their friend needed the company, and to distract himself from what he had to go through those last few weeks. And Richie was delighted to see him so happy and excited, letting go of his quiet and responsible demeanor, if only temporarily. Mike was an essential part of their own happiness, Richie couldn’t deny it. Moving out with him and Eddie was the best decision Richie ever took, and he couldn’t wait for it to happen.</p><p>They mostly went for slow rides this afternoon, Eddie too tired to handle anything more thrilling. Richie was fine with it, enjoying spending time with his friend and his partner, to see Eddie’s eyes filled with glee and wonder, while they were high up in the air, slowly turning and getting a good view of the entire park. Eddie rested his head against his shoulder at some point, and Richie caressed his hair gently, wishing that this moment could last forever. Of course, they were only like that for a mere minute or so, but Richie appreciated it nonetheless.</p><p>They decided to take a break at some point, Richie buying them all a hot drink, perfect for this weather, before they sat on a bench, resting their sore legs and looking at their surroundings. Eddie was sipping on his hot chocolate, swinging his legs, sat between Mike and Richie. It seemed to be their go-to position, the way they naturally chose to sit, lay down or even walk, Eddie at the center, surrounded by his friend and his partner.</p><p>His hands clutching his coffee, Mike let out a thoughtful sigh, a soft smile on his lips:</p><p>“We’re finally here. Can you imagine? It feels so long ago, the first time you came back to us, Eddie. And now, look at you, look at us. How far we come.”</p><p>“Feeling nostalgic, Mike?” Richie smiled, pulling Eddie closer to him. Eddie let him do so willingly, a relaxed hum escaping his throat. “Yeah, it’s… I don’t know. At the same time, I feel like it’s been forever since you woke up in my bed for the first time, Eds, but it also seems super close.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I feel the same. Sometimes, I’m waking up, and I think I’m back with my mom. But I know that I’m with you guys, as well as Maggie and Went, it’s just that I forget sometimes.” </em></p><p>Richie put his hand on Eddie’s knee, caressing it tenderly, a gentle smile on his lips:</p><p>“It’s okay. You’re still recovering, and it’s normal. I think it’s gonna be a while before these feelings vanish entirely. And if they don’t, it’s okay too. You went through something traumatic, for so many years in your life. The fact that you’re here today, able to have fun and be happy, it means a lot.”</p><p>Eddie smiled back, resting his head against Richie’s shoulder. There was definitely no better feeling in this world than this particular one, Eddie trusting him entirely and leaning against his body. It was a gesture full of love, and Richie would definitely agree to spend the rest of his life stuck in this position if it meant that Eddie would stay with him like that.</p><p>“<em>You know, in a few days… It’s gonna be a year since Mom passed away.” </em></p><p>Richie exchanged a quick glance with Mike, who seemed as horrified and unsettled by the idea as he was himself. Putting his arm over Eddie’s shoulder, Richie asked him gently, not wanting to stress him out when he was still recovering from his previous episode:</p><p>“Do you want us to do something? You know… Not for her, because I don’t want to celebrate Sonia Kaspbrak’s memory, far from it. But for you.”</p><p>Eddie shrugged, an unsure expression on his face. While he was sipping on his chocolate, Mike suggested, putting his own arm over Eddie’s shoulders, keeping him in a warm embrace just like Richie:</p><p>“We could have a “day for Eddie”. We’ll drive you to Bangor to shop, go to the Tea Room, maybe watch a movie at a theater or something. It doesn’t have to be grand or exceptional, just a day for you. We’ll keep you busy, and we’ll spoil you for the day. I think you earned it.”</p><p>Mike winked at him and Eddie, who was clearly about to protest, softened his words, typing shyly on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>You don’t have to do that.” </em></p><p>“And you shouldn’t have to mope for the entire day, Eds.” Richie pulled off his arm, putting his hand on Eddie’s and squeezing it gently. “It doesn’t have to be a sad day. And even if we don’t go to Bangor, we’ll still pamper you, because it’s your day, not hers. It’s not about her death, it’s about you getting free from her. And I think it’s something to celebrate.”</p><p>Richie looked around them, before allowing himself to give a quick kiss on Eddie’s scarred cheek, his heart beating too fast. He hated it, the fact that he couldn’t be as openly affectionate with his boyfriend as he wished he could be. If he wasn’t scared for them (and still slightly ashamed), Richie would spend his time hugging him and kissing him, showing Eddie the extent of his love every minute of the day.</p><p>“A whole year…” Mike finished his coffee, throwing the cup in a nearby trash can, before focusing back on Eddie. “See how far you came? See where you are, right now? All those things you accomplished, that you were able to do… You can be proud of yourself, Eddie. Truly.”</p><p>Richie wondered what would await Eddie in the future. First, they would move out and live on their own. But after that? Richie didn’t doubt that his partner would be able to do all sorts of stuff that his mother convinced him that he was too fragile or stupid (two things he definitely wasn’t) to accomplish. He’d probably leave their apartment on his own for the first time, without Richie or Mike by his side. Maybe he’d get a job. Perhaps some new friends too.</p><p>Eddie still had so many things to learn and discover. They definitely had to plan a big trip to see the other Losers, get to be a part of their life, even for a short moment. Eddie definitely wanted it to happen, even if it was still a lot for him for now. They’ll do that and even more in the future. They had all the time in the world…</p><p>Richie would lie if he pretended that he wasn’t at least slightly anxious about their future. The more Eddie would discover of their world and the more people he’d meet, the less he might want to spend time with him, find him interesting, or even lovable. </p><p>Richie wouldn’t blame him, Eddie deserved to be happy, and if he felt happier with other people, he wouldn’t stop him, but… but he wanted to stay with him forever. To love him and be loved by him, just like right now. Was it too much to ask? Wouldn’t he prevent him from being fully happy, keeping him too close? Wasn’t he acting like Sonia Kaspbrak, in some way?</p><p>Richie was startled when Mike put his hand on his shoulder, shaking him slightly so that he would stop zoning out:</p><p>“Hey, Richie, you’re with us? We thought we could do some more rides before going back to the hotel.”</p><p>“Uh? Oh, yeah, sure. I’m right behind you.”</p><p>Mike looked at him for a few seconds, clearly concerned, but he didn’t say a word. Eddie was waiting on them, bouncing on the ball of his feet, in this adorable way that always made Richie’s heart swell. Smiling at them, he got up, throwing his cup, and following them, a few steps behind. This time, Eddie gripped Mike’s arm, babbling happily about the things he wanted to do and see while they still could. </p><p>Richie focused on his breathing to push away the negative thoughts that were trying to invade his mind. He didn’t want to be a Debbie Downer and ruin everyone else’s fun, especially since Eddie was specifically making an effort to do so, despite what he experienced a few hours earlier. Managing to put a smile on his lips, Richie got closer to Mike and Eddie, listening to his boyfriend’s enthusiastic ramble, making a few quips here and there. </p><p>Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t get over the idea that Eddie might leave him at some point, once he’d realize that there were far more interesting people in the world than Richie was. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed obvious, unavoidable. It was only a matter of time before Richie would find himself all alone again…</p><p>*</p><p>They were all quite tired when they finally decided to get back to their hotel rooms. They spent some more time together, eating, giving a quick look at the arcade room (too noisy and crowded for Eddie), watching some stuff on TV, and planning the next day. But soon enough, Mike decided to go back to his room and read some of his books until falling asleep, relieved to get some quiet and alone time. Meanwhile, Eddie and Richie went through their bedtime routine, getting all clean and comfy before sliding under their blanket, hugging each other tenderly. </p><p>Richie was ready for Eddie to fall asleep quickly, given the day he just had, but Eddie seemed to have something else in mind, straightening up and looking at Richie with a thoughtful gaze, before typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>Are you okay?” </em></p><p>Eddie was more perceptive than Richie gave him credit for. He shouldn’t underestimate him, and he knew it, but Richie still hoped that Eddie was too caught up in his joy and glee to notice that his partner’s smiles weren’t as sincere as they should be. It wasn’t the case, visibly.</p><p>Richie wanted to say that he was fine. That Eddie shouldn’t worry. But that would be a lie, and Richie promised to be honest with him, so he couldn’t just pretend that everything was okay. It wasn’t.</p><p>“I… uh… It’s nothing too bad, I’m just… How should I put it?”</p><p>Eddie was incredibly patient sometimes, and Richie loved him for that. He didn’t rush him to put words on his thoughts, only snuggling against him, showing him his support and affection as evidently as possible. Richie sighed, caressing Eddie’s hair, managing to say out loud:</p><p>“We… We started to talk about our future, and I thought… I thought that you might leave me, once you’d meet new people. Because you’ll realize that I’m not really worth it.”</p><p>Richie’s throat closed up at those last words, and he wasn’t able to say anything else. He would cry if he did, he knew it. And he didn’t want to. Eddie would feel forced to comfort him, and he shouldn’t have to.</p><p>Eddie left his previous posture, sitting cross-legged and looking at Richie very seriously. He didn’t know what his boyfriend was about to say, but he expected him to be angry or to feel insulted, even though he didn’t really know why Eddie would react this way. But he didn’t. Instead, Eddie caressed his cheek, before asking him, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>You met other people these last few years. You have a new friend, Liz. There was even a guy who was interested in you, Connor. I don’t know him, but I know Liz, and she’s great. Connor must be nice too. Yet, you still decided to care for me when I came back and never stopped loving me. You didn’t have to. You could have thought that I wasn’t worth it.” </em></p><p>“But you were, and you still are!” Richie was legitimately offended. He straightened up as well, cupping Eddie’s face. “You’re worth it and even more than that. You have so many qualities you’re not aware of, and I’d rather spend my whole life yearning for you than to give myself to someone else. Someone that isn’t you.”</p><p>Eddie smiled at him, taking Richie’s hands away from his face and squeezing them tenderly, before focusing back on his communication device:</p><p>“<em>I could say the same to you, Richie. In fact, I’m going to. You’re worth it. I’m so happy every day to know that you’re my boyfriend and that we’re together. I love discovering our relationship with you, I love taking my time and seeing what you like, what you don’t like so much, how we can make it work. I love your jokes, nicknames, and how caring you can be, even if it’s too much sometimes. You’re making me stronger. My strength, I have it thanks to the people I love. Thanks to you.” </em></p><p>Eddie stopped writing, signing slowly and looking at Richie with a gaze full of love and devotion, while Richie was staring back, mouth agape:</p><p>“<em>I </em> … <em>love…you.” </em></p><p>Richie hugged him as an answer, unable to say another word. God, he loved Eddie so much. So, so much. How lucky was he that his boyfriend was still there, despite everything he went through? Richie could have lost him so many times, and he might not even have been aware of it. And Eddie… Eddie was still this wonderful person, that Richie was truly blessed to be loved by.</p><p>“I love you too, Eds. Fuck, I love you so much.”</p><p>Eddie was the one who initiated their kiss, throwing himself at Richie so that he would lie down on the bed. Eddie straddled him and grabbed his wrists, in a way that always caused Richie to shiver with desire, bending to kiss him. Their tongues met, and Eddie let out a soft hum, getting carried away and letting go of Richie’s wrists to caress his hips with one hand, using the other to keep himself upright.</p><p>They had to stop at some point, both of them breathing shakily. Richie was mesmerized by Eddie’s eyes, how big they were and how lustful they seemed. His partner wasn’t as innocent and childish as people thought, filled with desire that he had no shame to act on. Richie loved every part of Eddie, how he flapped his hands whenever he was too happy to contain it or how he would launch himself into a passionate rant about pretty much everything that was able to rile him up.</p><p>But he also loved this secret part of him, that he was the only one to know of. How eager Eddie was whenever he was kissing him, how his hands would try to caress as much skin as possible, how he would get carried away so easily, hungry for Richie’s affection and physical love… Richie never thought that, between the two of them, he would be the prudish one, needing time to allow himself to take new steps in their relationship, hesitating at every progress they were making.</p><p>Just like that, when Eddie suddenly stopped straddling him, putting the blanket away and typing quickly on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I want to suck your dick.” </em></p><p>Richie whimpered at his words, unable to clearly know if he was excited or scared by the idea. That was something they discussed before, but they never tried to, until then. Noticing his distress, Eddie considerably calmed down, caressing Richie’s cheek, before reassuring him:</p><p>“<em>We don’t have to.” </em></p><p>Richie shook his head. He took a deep breath, before answering with a shaky voice:</p><p>“No, no, I… I want to. I just… I wasn’t expecting it. You really want to do it?”</p><p>Eddie nodded, licking his lips. Jesus, Richie was going to have a heart attack!</p><p>“<em>I want to try. When I took a look at your porn mag, I saw a woman doing that, and I thought about it quite a few times since then. I even dreamed about it.” </em></p><p>Richie gulped. His boyfriend admitting that he had wet dreams about him, thinking about sucking his cock… If Eddie elaborated, Richie wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop himself from climaxing on the spot. As much as he was anxious about the whole thing, Richie really wanted to give it a shot. He stood up from their bed, grabbing a long towel and the condoms his father packed for them. If his dad knew that they really used them, he would never let him live it down, that was for sure.</p><p>“Scoot over, I’m gonna put that on the bed. You definitely don’t want to sleep on cum-stained sheets, right?”</p><p>Eddie grimaced, shaking his head energetically, causing Richie to laugh at the sight. He carefully spread the towel on the bed, before taking a condom from its box, looking at it curiously. It was really the first time he was going to put one on himself, and he didn’t want to mess up. Eddie was looking at him as well, raising an eyebrow:</p><p>“I talked to Liz briefly, she said it was safer to use a condom, even if it’s just for a blowjob. I don’t want to give you some nasty stuff by accident, so yeah.”</p><p>Richie managed to roll it on his erect penis, a sensation he still had to get used to. Maybe Eddie would do that for him one day? He shivered at the idea. Laying down on the bed, he signaled Eddie to get closer, his boyfriend sitting next to him, unsure of the position he was supposed to adopt.</p><p>“I’m sorry if the taste is weird, I don’t think the condoms are flavored. You’re not allergic to latex, are you?”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He added, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>I like it. When my mom took me to the dentist, he always wore those latex gloves and put them in my mouth to check my teeth. I didn’t dislike it.” </em></p><p>Richie chuckled at the anecdote, charmed by how delightfully weird his boyfriend could sometimes be. He focused on Eddie rather than on his own apprehension, spreading his legs so that Eddie would be able to find a comfortable position to do what he wanted to. Richie gulped at the thought. God, he was really about to get a blowjob from his boyfriend, right? His first…</p><p>While Eddie was laying down between his legs, giving a curious and eager look at his partner’s cock, Richie managed to say, laughing nervously:</p><p>“K… Keep the teeth away and… and be gentle, alright? Slow. It’s… It’s my first time, I’m… I’m…”</p><p>Eddie kissed his inner thighs, causing Richie to shiver and let out a weak whine, typing on his lightwriter:</p><p>“<em>It’s okay. I’ll be gentle. Tell me if you want me to stop.” </em></p><p>It was weird how experimented Eddie seemed to be, when he was talking like that. But he was just as clueless as Richie was. But he didn’t have the same fears, the same issues. Eddie wasn’t ashamed of what he wanted, of his sexuality. He was discovering it, and he wasn’t shying away from what it implied. Richie gulped, resting his head against his pillow, taking a deep breath. Okay… Anytime, now…</p><p>It was a bit weird with the condom. Richie couldn’t entirely feel Eddie’s tongue, the way he hesitantly gave it a lick, as if he was tasting ice cream for the first time. But it was probably for the best because Richie was already on edge and it was enough for him to let out a soft “Ah!” at the feeling, closing his fists on the towel when Eddie started to put his mouth on his cock, slowly attempting to take it all. Richie wasn’t quite sure he could, but he definitely appreciated the effort.</p><p>Eddie was doing what he could to keep his teeth from scraping the condom, getting used to what he was experiencing. Richie couldn’t believe how quickly Eddie decided to take him, despite his germaphobic tendencies. He thought that he would hesitate more, maybe ramble a bit about the possible (and definitely exaggerated) risks he was aware of. But he didn’t. And he was making Richie squirm and whine, sucking on his cock as eagerly as if he was doing the same to a savory treat.</p><p>Richie let out a loud moan, his hips lifting in a reflex that he couldn’t quite control. He felt himself hitting Eddie’s throat, and Eddie pulled out immediately, eyes widened, coughing and gagging. Richie straightened up, his arousal taking a step back to his concern towards Eddie:</p><p>“Eds, I’m sorry, fuck, are you okay? I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry, I...”</p><p>Eddie put his index finger on Richie’s lips to stop his worried rambling, holding a shaky breath. He grabbed a water bottle nearby, drinking a few sips, before putting it away and lining up again, ready to go back to what he was doing previously. Richie put his hand on Eddie’s hair, getting him to look at him:</p><p>“Eds, we can stop. It’s okay, I fucked up, you don’t have to go back to it. I’ll be more careful next time, I promise.”</p><p>Eddie shook his head. He signed quickly that he wanted to do it, not elaborating because he didn’t have the words in ASL yet, before parting his lips and going back to sucking his boyfriend’s dick. Richie keened, his head hitting the pillow again, panting uncontrollably while Eddie was doing his best to get him off. God, god, god… Richie’s brain was literally melting. His hips bucked a second time, despite himself, but Eddie seemed prepared to this eventuality this time and kept on sucking him, as if nothing happened.</p><p>“Eddie, I’m… I’m… Oh, fuck!”</p><p>It wasn’t long before Richie came, biting on his bottom lip to stop himself from moaning too loudly and not risk Mike hearing them. His condom filled up, and Eddie stopped what he was doing, looking at it and at Richie’s face intermittently, visibly unsure of what he was supposed to do.</p><p>“L… Lemme handle it.” Richie was slurring slightly, still dazed by the amount of pleasure he experienced and the thought that Eddie sucked him. He couldn’t believe it, but it… it really happened. Richie took care of everything, while Eddie started to take away the towel. He stopped him quickly, suggesting with a shy voice:</p><p>“I… I could do the same to you, Eds.”</p><p>Eddie raised an eyebrow at his suggestion. He definitely didn’t expect that Richie would offer him to give him a blowjob as well. He reached for his lightwriter, typing quickly:</p><p>“<em>You don’t have to. I had a really good time. I can take care of myself, or you can give me a handjob if you want to.” </em></p><p>“But I want to do that for you, Eds. I want to.”</p><p>Richie caressed Eddie’s cheek, a smile on his lips. Eddie let go of his concern, taking off his pajama pants, before giving a puzzled look at the condom. Richie took it from his hands, reassuring him:</p><p>“I’ll put it on for you, okay? I’ll be very careful, you can look and learn. I’m really good at that, I practiced on tons of bananas in sex ed.”</p><p>Eddie chuckled at the thought. He shivered slightly when Richie put it on, getting used to the latex against his skin and how it was constricting his dick, answering back with a cheeky grin:</p><p>“<em>I hope I’m more exciting than any banana you put that on.” </em></p><p>Richie laughed out loud, looking up at Eddie:</p><p>“Definitely. I doubt you’ll be as sugary, though. And some of them were definitely bigger.”</p><p>Eddie gasped at his words, flicking Richie on the forehead:</p><p>“<em>I’m</em> <em>not tiny!” </em></p><p>Richie smiled at him more seriously, caressing Eddie’s hips gently:</p><p>“No, you’re perfectly-sized. I was just kidding. Come on, lay down on the towel, I’m going to take care of you.”</p><p>Eddie nodded, doing what Richie told him to, spreading his legs. It was a position that made him feel vulnerable, and he let out a soft whine, Richie immediately proceeding to reassure him:</p><p>“I’ll be very gentle too, don’t worry. If you don’t like it or if you want me to stop, you can tap on my head or the mattress twice, and I’ll stop.”</p><p>Even if Eddie couldn’t get himself to do so, Richie would be careful and check on him to make sure that it wasn’t too much for him. He didn’t want to make Eddie feel uneasy, he was supposed to take care of him and offer him a good time.</p><p>Richie took off his glasses, putting them on the nightstand, before positioning himself between Eddie’s legs, his head getting closer to his boyfriend’s cock. Richie gulped at the sight and the musky smell. He was about to give it his first try when his mind flashed back to his high school years and the graffiti in the bathroom’s stalls. <em>Richie Tozier sucks flamer cocks. </em>He remembered all the insults, the slurs, the violence. Cocksucker. Fairy. Fag. Faggot. How Hockstetter and the others punched him, while Bowers was hurting Eddie in front of him. Unable to help him. Unable to save him. Weak. Faggot. Disgusting.</p><p>“Iiie?”</p><p>Richie didn’t notice that he started to cry. Eddie straightened up, reaching for Richie’s hands to get him up as well, opening his arms for him. Richie threw himself at his boyfriend, his silent tears turning into an ugly sobbing, while he was whispering, again and again:</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...”</p><p>Eddie shushed him, caressing his hair, letting him sob and sob and sob until Richie didn’t have any tears left to spare. He wanted to take care of Eddie, he wanted to do for him what his boyfriend offered him, but Eddie shook his head, wiping Richie’s wet cheeks:</p><p>“<em>Shower. Then we’ll cuddle and sleep. Okay?” </em></p><p>Richie nodded, feeling incredibly ashamed and selfish. He should have been able to pleasure Eddie, just like he did for him. Why was it so hard to be the one to give, when he had been able to receive? Grabbing his glasses, he rolled down Eddie’s condom, throwing it with the other one. He felt… so tired. Eddie had to help him up, guiding him to the bathroom.</p><p>When Eddie started to wash him, Richie cried again, resting against his boyfriend’s shoulder, unable to stop himself. Eddie kissed him chastely, tenderly, shaking his head when Richie apologized once more, signing quickly:</p><p>“<em>No. Don’t. It’s okay.” </em></p><p>Richie was a mess. He wanted to wash Eddie as well, but he was paralyzed, stuck in his own mind, reliving the worst moments in his life, drowning in his own guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Meanwhile, Eddie was taking care of him and himself, his arousal vanishing definitely under the lukewarm water. Richie was the worst. He was definitely the worst.</p><p>He let Eddie lead him all the way, pliant in his hands when his boyfriend dressed him up after their shower, following him to their bed. Eddie put everything back where it was supposed to be, inviting Richie to lie down and hugging him tenderly, using one hand to type:</p><p>“<em>Do you want to talk about it?” </em></p><p>Richie didn’t want to, but he needed it, and he knew it. He bit his bottom lip, sniffling, whispering shyly:</p><p>“I… I started to remember. The slurs. The violence. I… I couldn’t get myself to… I started to feel d… disgusting.”</p><p>Richie put his hand over his mouth, realizing what he just said, before apologizing quickly with a panicked voice:</p><p>“I… I don’t think you’re disgusting, Eddie, I really appreciated it, it has nothing to do with you, I swear! It’s just me, I’m stupid, I’m an awful boyfriend, I’m repulsive, I...”</p><p>“Iiie.”</p><p>Eddie called out to him softly, massaging his scalp. Richie shut up, letting his boyfriend’s fingers caress his hair and sighing deeply, his heart heavy. They remained quiet for a moment, Eddie caring for him like that without stopping once, until he finally said:</p><p>“<em>You tried, and it didn’t work. That’s okay. We’ll try another time. And if it never works, then you won’t do it, and that’s all. There’s nothing dramatic about it.” </em></p><p>“But I should be able to…!”</p><p>Eddie shook his head:</p><p>“<em>There’s</em> <em>nothing you should do. Not in this context anyway. It’s about what you want and what I want. There are things I won’t be comfortable with, and there are things you don’t feel like doing, and that’s okay. It’s good that you’re willing to try. I appreciate it, really. But even if you don’t want to do it again, I think we need to work on getting rid of these nasty thoughts in your head.” </em></p><p>Eddie kissed his forehead, a tender smile on his lips:</p><p>“<em>You’re</em> <em>not disgusting. There’s nothing that you should feel ashamed of. Except some of your awful puns.” </em></p><p>Richie managed to chuckle at Eddie’s joke. His boyfriend always knew what to say and do to comfort him. God, things truly changed… Richie remembered being the one Eddie had to continually rely on, even for the simplest decisions. But Eddie was the rock Richie needed him to be, strong, reliable, caring. He should probably feel guilty about that too, but it made him feel safe. Protected. And he needed to be.</p><p>“<em>We don’t have to try again anytime soon. I won’t insist. If you want to do it, then we’ll discuss it, and we’ll prepare for it. In the meantime, I think you should talk to your therapist and the medical staff at the LGBT center. They might be able to help.” </em></p><p>Eddie kissed him again, and Richie let him do so. For once, he had nothing to say. He just wanted to listen to his boyfriend and be comforted. Forget for a little while the awful thoughts swirling in his mind.</p><p>“<em>But don’t feel pressured to do anything. I’m fine with what we have already. I love kissing you. And I definitely love your handjobs. Your big hands are just what I need to take care of my perfectly-sized dick.” </em></p><p>Richie chuckled again, prompting Eddie to smile even more. He was feeling better and getting cuddled by his boyfriend like that definitely helped. They stayed like this for a while, Richie basking in the attention that Eddie offered him, their warm embrace that allowed him to stay away from his nastiest thoughts. After a while, he managed to whisper, feeling slightly embarrassed about it:</p><p>“Can you… Can you spoon me, Eddie? I know I’m too tall, and it’s not what we’re used to, but...”</p><p>Eddie didn’t protest or ask him why he felt the need to do that. No, he merely gestured for Richie to get into a position that allowed him to spoon his boyfriend, finding a way for them both to be comfortable. Richie’s heart swelled, feeling his boyfriend’s arms around him, his legs trying to wrap him up too in the warmest embrace he could manage.</p><p>Richie… Richie was safe. He didn’t feel disgusting at the moment. He felt loved.</p><p>“Good night, Eddie Spaghetti. Thank you.”</p><p>Eddie whined sleepily, nuzzling against Richie. It wasn’t long before he was asleep, snoring softly, and Richie joined him soon afterward. He was safe. He was loved. It was all that mattered.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I just really love writing Eddie and Richie comforting each other. It's very important for me to show that their relationship is not one-sided, that Eddie takes care of Richie as much as Richie takes care of him. They both have their issues and they can count on their partner to help and support them. </p><p>I didn't plan at first to write a smutty scene, but it seemed to be a good opportunity to explore Richie's issues with his internalized homophobia and how it manifests itself. I don't think Eddie understands it all entirely, but he knows that Richie needs his support and to take his time and that's all that matters to him. He doesn't want Richie to force himself or to feel bad about any of the things they're doing.</p><p>Next chapter will be their last day at Disney World. I can't wait to write it! I'm probably gonna focus a bit more on Mike too, he definitely deserves it c:.</p><p>Thank you for your support! Don't hesitate to leave a comment or a kudos if you feel like it, I'd love to read what you thought about this chapter. You can also subscribe to this story and to this series, so that you'll be informed quickly when the next installment will be posted.</p><p>Take care! See you soon!</p>
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<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Chapter 35</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello! Welcome to the 35th chapter of this fanfic! After this one, I'll write the last chapter then we'll start the next installment! Gosh, I can't wait!</p><p>Thank you all for your support! It really helps. I had a stressful day and getting to write really helped to relax and feel happier. So, thank you for that, because you're giving me the motivation I need c:. </p><p>I think you're going to like this chapter, I'm writing it from Mike's POV :D. I think it's going to happen a bit more often in the next installment, I really like the exercise :D.</p><p>With that said, here are the TW for this chapter:</p><p>TW for mention of ableism</p><p>I think that's all c:. Let me know if you need me to tag something! Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <span>Mike let out a deep breath, lying on his bed, putting away the book that he was currently reading. He could barely believe where he was right now. Mike, farmer boy Mike, librarian Mike, townsman Mike, out of Derry, in a hotel room at one of the most famous theme parks in the world… If someone told him that he would get to be a part of such a trip, Mike would have probably laughed. But there he was, having spent a whole day with his friends and resting for the evening in his room.</span>
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  <span>Mike definitely needed a quiet time. The day had been quite eventful, between all those rides and Eddie's meltdown, and he wasn't used to this amount of excitement. Looking at the ceiling, Mike allowed his mind to wander away, thinking back to this day and all those that preceded.</span>
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  <span>He was deeply touched to have been invited by Richie and Eddie to join them. He never thought they would do so, it was clearly unexpected. It should have been an opportunity for them to be alone together, but instead, they brought him along for the ride, and Mike couldn't be happier. They wanted him there. They didn't discard him because they had each other.</span>
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  <span>As much as Mike knew that it wasn't rational, he couldn't help but think that his friends might leave him behind at some point, realizing how boring he was. He wasn't a leader like Bill or a poet like Ben. He could never be as funnily dry and sarcastic as Stan could be, and he definitely didn't have the fiery temper of Beverly. He couldn't match Richie's jokes and energy, and he wasn't as brave and interesting as Eddie. Among all of his friends, Mike always felt like the weak link.</span>
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  <span>It didn't help that he was homeschooled and couldn't share his friends' classes and school days. Sometimes, they'd talk about what happened during the day, laughing about something they witnessed together, and Mike would just smile tightly, unable to connect, unable to find his place in their discussion to join in. Never totally in, never totally out.</span>
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  <span>He was aware that it was his self-doubt talking, but it didn't make it any less hard to handle. One by one, they all left to pursue their studies, and their dreams and Mike and Richie were the only Losers left in Derry. Then Eddie came back, and Mike started to find his footing. Richie was revitalized by Eddie's return, and Mike had the feeling that he finally got two of his friends back, after all these years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He saw their relationship evolving, Richie's crush getting more and more painfully obvious, Eddie discovering his own feelings, until they finally took it to the next step. As happy as he had been for them, Mike had feared that they would definitely give up on him. Eddie had Richie, Richie had Eddie. Why would they need a Mike?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But he was still invited. They included him as much as possible. Did what they could to make him realize his own worth, that he mattered as a friend and not just someone to lean on or that could listen to them. They had been there for him, just like he had been there for them. They invited along for this trip that should have been theirs only.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And after that, they'll all move together. Away from Derry. Away from everything that kept holding Mike back. A smile crept up on his face at the thought. He wasn't going to be the only Loser left, as he often felt it was going to be. They were all leaving, together. Mike couldn't wait.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, they'll have to plan it all very carefully. And to set some boundaries right away. Like not having sex when Mike was directly in earshot. The walls weren't as thick as Mike was hoping them to be, and he could </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely </span>
  </em>
  <span>hear Richie moaning. Dear god… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike got up quickly, reaching for his music player and his headphones in his bag, putting them on immediately. Ah, better. If there was one thing he didn't want to be an unwilling witness to, it was undoubtedly his friends having sex. He'd rather listen to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>New kids on the block </span>
  </em>
  <span>mixtape Ben actually took the time to put together for him and his friends, when they teased him playfully on his musical tastes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike smiled a bit more, while he was listening to the first notes of "Please don't go girl". It wasn't exactly his thing, but it was Ben's, and it helped Mike feel as if his friend was here by his side, listening to it with him. The Losers… He really missed them. Mike hoped they'd be able to be together soon enough, once they'd move out. He'd be so proud, finally saying to Bill and everyone else that he left Derry. Celebrating their new beginning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike took back his book, but he had trouble focusing on it. He couldn't stop thinking about what was going to happen real soon. A new place, a new job, having Richie and Eddie as flatmates… Mike could finally start to live, for real. He might be able to move on from Derry, from its inhabitants, from everything that happened there. The fire…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike shot up from the bed, running to the bathroom and turning on the water, splashing his face vividly, almost ruining his tape player in the process. He could already smell the ashes and the flesh burning, hearing his parents' blood-curling scream… Mike shook his head, taking a deep breath. In. And out. In. And out. He wasn't in Derry. He wasn't in the library. He wasn't back with his parents. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was in his hotel room at Disney World, and he had one of the most enjoyable days of his life with his friends. No smoke. No fire. No danger. Nothing. After a few minutes of drenching his face in the water, Mike managed to calm down. Slightly shaking, he went back to his bed, curling up on the mattress. He thought for a second about joining Richie and Eddie, but he didn't want to be a bother. He could handle it. He could handle it. He could…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike put away his headphones and grabbed his cellphone, calling the first number he could think of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"B-Bill Denbrough speaking."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike took a deep breath. Hearing his friend's voice, it… it already helped. A lot. He managed to let out, after a few shaky breaths:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Bill? It's me. I… Is it okay if you… if you talk to me? For a while?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>their </span>
  </em>
  <span>thing, kind of like how Richie caressing Eddie's hair seemed to help him calm down. Even far away from each other, Mike still found comfort in Bill, and the same could be said for Bill. Mike clearly remembered staying on the phone with him for hours every year on the same date, the day Georgie died. Listening to Bill's broken sobs, reminding him of the good memories to erase the worst, letting him know that he was definitely not alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Bill was there now. Talking. Talking to help Mike to forget for a while. He stuttered his way through his last writing project, mentioned his new girlfriend, Audra, that he really wanted to introduce to them all, told him about some of his classes… Anything to keep Mike's mind entertained, to help him feel not so much alone. He knew that Bill would ask later what it was all about, but for now, he was only helping, and Mike was relying on him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike found sleep listening to his friend, soothed by Bill's voice and his speech, noticing how he seemed to trip less on his words while he talked to him. He didn't even realize that Bill hung up at some point, wishing him pleasant dreams. Mike was already far gone, finally experiencing a blissful sleep after many, many nights filled with nightmares…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>*</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike felt incredibly rested and happy the day after, getting dressed quickly and joining Richie and Eddie in their room for their breakfast. Eddie, as always, wasn't fully awake yet, mouth agape, eyelids fluttering, seemingly ready to go back to sleep at any minute. Mike chuckled at the sight, while Richie was trying to get him to wake up completely by peppering kisses on his face. It finally seemed to do the trick, Eddie letting out a whine and kissing him back, before typing on his lightwriter:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop, Richie, let me eat!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"But I'm so hungry, and a whole Eddie Spaghetti is the only snack that will fill me up to the brim!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pretended to bite Eddie's arm, and Eddie squealed, trying playfully to swat him away. Mike smiled knowingly, used to be the one calming them down and keeping their tiny group running smoothly:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Come on, guys, your breakfast's going to get cold. Plus, if we want to enjoy the park while there aren't too many people, it's best to leave early."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie finally ceased to tease Eddie, allowing him to enjoy his hot chocolate. Mike sighed softly at his friends' antics, listening to their discussion and quipping here and there to share his opinion on their schedule for the day. It was their last day here, they had to make the most of it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, Eddie's well-being was their top priority. If he started to get upset and wanted to go back to their room, Mike and Richie would follow him there, no hesitation. Mike would feel awful, knowing that he left his friends (he doubted Richie would leave Eddie behind) to have fun on his own. It wasn't what this was all about. Mike wanted to spend as much time as he could with Richie and Eddie. Seeing his friends gleefully enjoy their stay was worth more than the biggest amount of money Mike could think of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they were done, Mike went back to his room to freshen up a bit, before joining them and waiting on Eddie while he was focused on tying up his shoes. He was definitely struggling, his fingers refusing to cooperate this morning, and Mike had to physically restrain himself from helping him. He was pretty sure Richie was thinking the same, sitting on the bed, his legs dangling and shaking slightly while he was gazing lovingly at his boyfriend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was important for Eddie to keep doing things by himself as much as possible. If he asked for help, Mike would intervene, of course. He would probably encourage him to try again first, before giving him the support needed. But Mike wasn't going to intervene on Eddie's behalf when he didn't ask for it, and he wasn't going to take away from him every shred of his autonomy. Even if it meant that everything would take longer to be accomplished. Mike wasn't impatient, anyway. He could wait for his friend as much as needed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a few more minutes, Eddie finally managed to tie his shoes correctly and gave a thumbs up, a broad smile on his face. Richie caressed his hair, kissing his scarred cheek, before getting up and holding his arm out for Eddie to grab it. Eddie instinctively nuzzled against it, while Richie turned his head towards Mike, an apologetic smile on his lips:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hope you're not getting too antsy, Mikey Mike."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't worry, Richie, the rides are not going to disappear on us suddenly. It's not that kind of story."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie grinned at the idea, putting on what he thought was a "scary" voice:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You never know… I've heard that if we're getting stuck in the Haunted Mansion, the Ghost Host will capture our soul and trap it in a portrait. Creepy..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie laughed at his exaggerated faces, and Mike rolled his eyes fondly, used to Richie's antics. He was so glad to be there with them… Of course, if all the Losers were all here, it would be even better, but Mike wasn't picky, and he definitely enjoyed the fact that he got to be here with Richie and Eddie. He hoped there wouldn't be any asshole trying to ruin their fun today…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The park was less crowded at this hour of the day, and Mike could clearly see that it was easier on Eddie. He still wore his earmuffs, though, keeping his grip tight on Richie's arm, as if he feared losing him, losing them altogether. Mike didn't know how Eddie would react if they were separated. Would he be able to remain calm and remember to use his phone to call them? Would he start to panic and experience one of his meltdowns? Mike couldn't say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was something they also had to think about, given that they were going to move together. Mike and Richie would have a job to pay for the rent. If Eddie didn't, he'd have to stay at home on his own. Maybe he'd want to go out for a bit. Thinking back to their teenage years, Mike realized that Eddie probably never left his house on his own, not once. He cursed Sonia Kaspbrak in his head, hating her more and more every time he noticed a new way she hurt Eddie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They'd probably have to teach him how to use public transports, what kind of people he could trust if he needed help, what he should say and not say… Mike thought back to Eddie saying out loud that he had "tons of money" and he grimaced at the idea that he might repeat it and attract bad people, willing to hurt him to steal what he had. Yeah, no, they definitely had a lot to think about and to work on. By trying to keep Eddie for her and her only, Sonia impaired him in many ways that he wouldn't have been if he had lived with supportive parents from the beginning.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Mike was willing to help, and he knew that Richie was decided to do so as well. Eddie had been there for him, and Mike would be there too, at every step. It was only natural. Eddie was his friend, and he loved him dearly. He would do the same for Bill, Richie, Bev, Ben, and Stan. He absolutely would.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For now, Mike was happy to follow his friends where they wanted to go, taking it all in. Mike never went to such a crowded and noisy place, it was almost intoxicating at some points. As much as he enjoyed it, he would definitely be relieved when they'd go back to their rooms. Mike's personality didn't mesh well with the overexcited ambiance, contrary to Richie, who seemed totally in his element, his hyperactivity getting more noticeable at the second. He almost seemed to stim, like Eddie would, and that was quite endearing to see.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie grabbed his arm suddenly, causing Mike to jump, startled. His friend pointed a ride, bouncing excitedly while doing so:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Mikey Mike, we have to do</span>
  <em>
    <span> this!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The ride Richie wanted to try on so much was the Space Mountain. Mike looked at the attraction and didn't hide his grimace. He did try on a few thrilling rides, but that wasn't his thing, far from it. He almost threw up at some point and decided to stay away from this as much as possible. Eddie didn't seem comfortable with the idea either, looking at the ride with a hesitant look, an anxious hum escaping his throat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie noticed it and lowered his arm down, ready to move on to another ride. But Mike could clearly see how much his friend wanted to do it and he offered, a soft smile on his lips:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go wait in line, Richie. I'm staying with Eddie. We'll grab something to drink and wait for you. If it's too long, we'll go to a quick ride in the meantime."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie hesitated, feeling a bit guilty to leave Mike and Eddie behind. Massaging his neck in a nervous tick, he asked, as if he wasn't quite sure that he was allowed to:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're sure? I don't have to, it's just a stupid ride, I..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Go."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded after saying that, grinning at his boyfriend. Richie thanked them both, running to the ride to wait in line. True to his word, Mike bought a soft drink for Eddie and himself, sitting on a nearby bench. Eddie sat next to him, cross-legged, sipping on his juice and looking around him with a curious stare. They stayed silent for a short moment, appreciating the atmosphere and not feeling the need to fill their quiet time with meaningless words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie was the first to speak up, typing on his lightwriter:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>I'm</em></span>
  <em>
    <span>glad you're here."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike smiled at him, putting his hand on Eddie's knee to squeeze it gently, before taking it away, not wanting to overwhelm his friend with physical contact. Not when everything was already too much, so many noises, so many people around…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm happy too. I didn't think I'd come with you. I was definitely ready to wait for you to come back to Derry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie let out an offended whine, shaking his head. Taking a sip from his drink, he then typed quickly, clearly decided to show Mike his disapproval:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>That would have sucked so hard!"</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike laughed at Eddie's impulsive answer, while his friend added as an afterthought:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Well, I mean, I would have been with Richie, so it wouldn't have been bad, but… but you're here, and you make it even better. It feels right when you're with us. I like it."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"I like it too, Eddie."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike always loved his conversations with his friend. Eddie was definitely different from most people Mike ever came across, but he didn't mind, on the contrary. He was frank, loud, always straight to the point. He said the hardest things as easily as if he was just talking about the weather, and it made everything more interesting. Mike honestly missed the time they spent together at the library, working and talking about books, life, and every subject they could think of. It was clear that Eddie was eager to share what was going on in his mind, and Mike was more than happy to listen to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie was currently deep in his thoughts, taking apart his empty plastic cup. Mike didn't dare to snap him out of it, knowing that it would feel uncomfortable for his friend. Sometimes, he just had to step away from everything else, and Mike respected that. As long as Eddie wasn't trying to hurt himself or showing signs of anxiety, he wouldn't intervene.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, Eddie typed on his lightwriter, his gaze avoiding Mike's altogether:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>You'll</em></span>
  <em>
    <span>tell me if I'm bothering you, right? When we'll live together."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike raised an eyebrow, confused. He didn't know why Eddie came to this particular thought, but he could see that he was preoccupied. A part of him wanted to answer that Eddie would never bother him, but that wasn't what his friend needed to hear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll always be frank with you, Eddie. I promise. To be honest, I'm more worried about keeping Richie's messy tendencies to the lowest possible level. I went to his room when you weren't here. It was hell on earth."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded vigorously, adding with a vivid expression on his face:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, totally! Have you seen how he put his clothes in our closet? Terrifying! Outrageous! No, I'll definitely have to keep that under control."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie laughed, and Mike did the same. But soon enough, his friend was serious again, rocking his legs slowly and typing:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>I'm</em></span>
  <em>
    <span> not always easy to live with. I have my meltdowns, my routine, my temper. I can be selfish, and I can be a brat too. Richie and I, we fought sometimes. He said it's fine and that he was in the wrong, but I don't know. I don't want you to start to hate me. Or Richie."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike put his hand on Eddie's hair, brushing it gently. He then raised his arm, signaling Eddie to get closer. Mike hugged his friend softly, letting him rest his head against his collarbone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll never hate you, Eddie. And I don't say that to reassure you, that's a fact. You're my friend, and I feel blessed to be yours. Being a part of the Losers Club is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love every single one of you so much. I could never hate you, just like I could never hate Richie, Bill, Bev, Stan, or Ben. You're my pack and my world."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie's left hand grabbed Mike's coat, and he allowed him to do so, keeping himself still:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"<em>You're</em></span>
  <em>
    <span> my world too. You are the only friends I ever had, you all, and you mean everything to me. I care about you as much as I care about Richie. It's just a bit… different."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike nodded at Eddie's words. He could definitely understand. Not that he had experienced already the kind of relationship Richie and Eddie shared, far from it. Although he did feel this connection to Bill…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike put this thought away, deep, deep down in his heart. He'd deal with that later. Now, his priority was Eddie and getting to enjoy his time with his friend as much as possible. He'd worry about his confusing feelings later…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Smiling to Eddie, Mike stood up, stretching his legs and his arms:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's quite a long wait time. I bet Richie isn't about to come out soon. There's a quiet ride here, do you want to give it a try?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie nodded happily and followed him, grabbing his arm as he did previously with Richie. It felt right, having his friend by his side, getting to have fun with him. Mike was really living his best days here…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Waiting in their allotted area, Mike was happy to see the sweet family they met yesterday. He waved to Debra and Jack, as well as their youngest kid, Matt. The oldest, Calvin, wasn't here at the time. Debra waved back, getting close to them:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hello, you two! Let me guess: you also have someone waiting to get on the Space Mountain ride, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Touché." Mike grinned, happy to see some friendly faces. "Richie desperately wanted to go there, but neither Eddie nor me were up for it, so he has to wait in line."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Calvin tried to convince me to go with him, but I'm definitely not ready to handle the whiplash and the ache in my bones."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And I can't stay away from my delightful wife for too long."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack bent over to kiss Debra on her forehead, smiling lovingly. Meanwhile, Matt took a definite interest in Eddie, pointing to his scarred cheek and asking loudly:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How did you get that?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Debra was about to intervene to stop her son, but Eddie shook his head, letting her know it was okay, before typing on his lightwriter and grinning:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>I pulled a knife out of my cheek."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Matt's eyes widened, and he let out an impressed "Wow", while Debra and Jack looked at Eddie with a surprised and unsure expression. They didn't seem sure that he was telling the truth, but they weren't going to inquire furthermore. But their son was definitely intrigued, and he asked afterward:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So cool! That's why you can't talk?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once again, Eddie shook his head. He seemed at ease to talk about the subject with the kid, and Mike stayed out of it, waiting to see if he started to get annoyed. But the boy was just curious, he didn't look at him as "defective" or "broken" as others did. Probably because he was used to his mother's disability and had been taught that many, many different people existed out there…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"</span>
  <em>
    <span>I don't remember how to talk. I can whine and say a few syllables, but trying to talk is tiring and painful. So, I use this device, and I have this über cool robotic voice."</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wow, wow, wow! Can I try it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not a toy, Matt, leave Eddie alone."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Matt pouted, and Mike laughed, as well as his friend. Eddie knew better than to let the kid mess with his lightwriter, even if it was just for a few seconds. Mike suspected that he didn't want the device to let out a loud "FUCK” because Matt pressed the wrong button, but it was definitely not advised to allow the child to use it. Its settings were carefully put in, and such use could ruin it altogether.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack smiled at them, apologizing on behalf of his son:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Matt is a bit much sometimes, sorry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't worry. Eddie is always happy to say how he got his badass scar. Right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie gave the thumbs up and grinned. He was definitely proud of him, and Mike couldn't fault him for that. His scar was the proof of his undeniable bravery, a mark of his survival, despite everything he had to handle. If he wanted to show off a little, good for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Debra turned towards Eddie and asked him gently, concern laced in her voice:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I hope no one bothered you since we last met. Able-bodied people can be a lot sometimes, right?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie grimaced. He looked at Mike, nodding towards him, and Mike spoke up, while Eddie sucked on his fingers, trying to keep the anxiety at bay:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Someone did. It wasn't pleasant."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike told them the story, and Debra and Jack shared a look before they smiled and grimaced out of compassion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Most people don't seem to understand that we don't get these accommodations for nothing. I'm fine with who I am and how I am, but if I could just stand in line like everyone else without feeling the most crushing pain you could think of, then I'd definitely do it. When you stand in the line for disabled guests, they look at you, and you can hear the thoughts crossing their minds. It's rarely nice."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jack slid his hand in Debra's, squeezing it tightly. She took a deep breath, adding with a pained smile:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Someone actually told me that I was brave, because they would have definitely killed themselves if they ever had to be in a wheelchair like me. They didn't even know about my chronic pain or anything like that, they just looked at me for a few seconds, and they decided that my life wasn't worth it. But it's not true. I have a wonderful husband, children that I love dearly, and I'm enjoying every day of my existence."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Debra put her hand on Eddie's, who jumped and took a step back as a reflex. She apologized quickly and brought back her hands to herself, making sure to keep her distances:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I hope you'll be able to do that too. You definitely deserve to be happy just like you are, don't let anyone tell you otherwise."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie slowly nodded, exchanging a glance with Mike. She was right, and Mike was happy he got to met her and hear her words. Eddie was fine just the way he was, and he shouldn't have to change because assholes thought he wasn't good enough for the rest of society. Even if Eddie always needed their help to go out or live daily with Mike and Richie, it wouldn't matter. As long as he was happy and felt good in his own skin…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was time for them to go on the ride. They enjoyed it thoroughly, the slow attraction being exactly what they needed after this heartfelt talk. When Mike and Eddie finished, they waved goodbye to Debra and Jack and went back to their spot, where Richie was waiting for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So, Richie, how was it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mike could see that he held himself back until they got there and he chuckled when Richie literally exploded:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It was AWESOME! I thought my neck was going to snap, but it didn't! I so want to go back to it today!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Richie grinned, grabbing Eddie's hand as well as Mike's, bouncing on his feet, still filled with adrenaline:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But first, I want to have fun with you! Come on, let's go, you slowpokes!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pulled them with him, and Mike and Eddie followed him happily. The rest of the day was filled with laughter, wonder, and fun, so much that they started to get drunk on it. They took many pictures, Richie all too happy to pose with Mickey, Minnie, and as many characters as possible.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Eddie started to yawn, they went back to the hotel, their heads filled with memories and glee. While Richie took care of his boyfriend, Mike went back to his room, packing his bags. Tomorrow, they'd be on the road, going back to Derry. But not for long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Soon enough, they'd keep on looking for a flat, a job, everything they needed to start their new life on the right foot. And then, Mike will be able to say goodbye to his childhood, to the sadness that plagued his past, to the quiet kid who had trouble making friends, and didn't believe he deserved the ones he managed to get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But that would change. Mike was decided to become the best version of himself, out there. Just like his friends did. He deserved this new beginning. He definitely earned it.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yay, Mike for the win! Am I going to ship Hanbrough or am I not? Suspens... Honestly, I haven't quite decided yet, so I'll see how it goes c:. </p><p>I really like writing him and see things from his point of view. He's going to gain a lot from leaving Derry and getting to be the person he wants to be, outside of this fucked up town c:. I can't wait to write it all!</p><p>Anyway, thank you for your support! Don't hesitate to leave comments and/or kudos if you feel like it! You can also subscribe to this series and this story (even though there's only one chapter left xD). I can't wait to see what you thought about it!</p><p>Take care!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Chapter 36</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone! I hope you're doing okay! Here's the 36th and last chapter of this installment! Damn, we went so far, I'm a bit emotional thinking about it. Thank you all for still being here, I truly hope I won't let you down with the next installment.<br/>I hope you'll like this chapter!</p><p>Here are the TW:</p><p>TW for internalized homophobia<br/>TW for homophobic slurs<br/>TW for mention of ableism</p><p>I think it's all! Let me know if you need me to tag something. Good reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Richie hadn’t seen Dr. Norton in a while. God knows how much he needed it, though… With everything that happened, he was relieved to see this familiar and reassuring face, always there to help him figure out the shit in his life… and the less shitty things. The best stuff, even. Like Eddie. And Mike. His family. His friends.</p><p>Richie let himself fall on the couch, while his therapist took place in front of him, gazing at him with his gentle eyes, making him feel safe before they even exchanged a word, besides saying hello to each other. Richie didn’t even know where to start, to be honest. So many things to say, so much stuff to process… He took a deep breath, resting his head on the sofa’s back and shaking his left leg nervously.</p><p>Dr. Norton was patient, as always. Richie could only thank him for that. He needed a bit of time to make sense of his thoughts, know what to say and how to say it. And his therapist was aware of the way his mind was working, respecting Richie’s process. He finally managed to say, a tight smile on his lips:</p><p>“So… uh… I called you about Eddie, right? About what happened with Bowers. Eds, he’s… he’s doing a lot better actually.”</p><p>“I’m glad to hear it, Richie. We could have scheduled a session earlier, you shouldn’t hesitate to ask.”</p><p>Richie cleared his throat, feeling slightly awkward. To be honest, he kind of avoided his therapist, mostly because he didn’t feel ready to deal with his emotions and memories, but also because he didn’t want to leave Eddie’s side. He did call him to inform him of his coming out and Eddie’s situation, but not much more.</p><p>He felt safer being here now, able to convince himself that Eddie wasn’t going to be stabbed at any minute. The last few weeks really helped.</p><p>“Too much stuff happening. I wanted to be there for Eddie after it happened, then we celebrated his recovery, before making our very own first road trip together. Time flew by, it was a bit exhilarating. Still is, actually.”</p><p>“Did you have a good trip? Getting to leave your usual environment for a while was probably the best you could do, for yourself and for your partner as well. Such a traumatic event, it’s hard to process...”</p><p>Richie chuckled nervously, admitting while massaging his stiffed neck:</p><p>“I’m still anxious whenever I walk by the bathroom. It’s fine once I’m inside, but when I’m standing in front of the door, it’s like I can still see it happening. Smell it, hear it, whatever you want...”</p><p>Richie shivered slightly, focusing on his breathing to keep the bad thoughts away. Eddie was fine. Eddie was just fine. Bowers was out of the picture, and they’ll never have to see him again. Everything was okay. A-okay, even.</p><p>Dr. Norton gave him the time he needed to calm down, waiting for Richie to be ostensibly ready to ask him:</p><p>“And about your road trip?”</p><p>Glad to be able to change the subject, Richie grinned openly, before saying enthusiastically:</p><p>“Oh yeah, it was awesome! The trip went damn well, and I had lots of fun with Eddie and my friend Mike. I never really left Derry before, aside from a few instances, so that was something! At first, I was a bit anxious for Eddie, but he handled it all like a champ, and we didn’t have any problem.”</p><p>Richie proceeded to tell his therapist about their stay, how much fun they had. He didn’t hide the fact that Eddie had been prejudiced against, Dr. Norton grimacing sympathetically at his plight, but there were far more good things to talk about than bad ones. In the end, he hesitated for a moment, but he managed to say, his gaze firmly planted on the floor:</p><p>“We… Eddie and I, we… we took our relationship a step further and I… I kinda ruined it.”</p><p>“Did Edward tell you that?”</p><p>Richie raised an eyebrow at his therapist’s question, shaking his head:</p><p>“Of course not! But he wouldn’t dare to, that’s...”</p><p>Richie stopped himself from talking, biting his bottom lip. He couldn’t say that. Eddie would tell him if something bothered him. He was a lot more open and daring than he was when he first came back to them. If he was truly annoyed by how it all went, Eddie would have said it so. Without any hesitation.</p><p>“Okay, he doesn’t think that I ruined it. Doesn’t mean it’s false. He… hem...”</p><p>Damn, that was embarrassing to talk about! Richie could easily pull out raunchy jokes, but when it’s real, it was totally different. Richie felt naked and vulnerable, two feelings he was definitely not at ease with. But Dr. Norton didn’t shame him or show any signs of discomfort. He was just waiting for Richie to keep speaking, trying to determine if he needed to say something to help his patient…</p><p>“He took care of me and… and I didn’t. I couldn’t. I started to think back about all of those voices accusing me of… of…”<br/>
 <br/>
Richie took a deep breath, closing his fists tightly:</p><p>“Telling me that I was a cocksucker, a fairy, a fag… Name a slur, and I probably thought about it already. I… I know that I am all those things, but it doesn’t make it easier to process. On the contrary.”</p><p>Dr. Norton tapped on his notebook with his pen, looking at Richie with a serious expression on his face:</p><p>“You’re not those things. Those are insults thrown at you to shame you, they don’t define you if you don’t want them to. Even if you like sucking dicks...”</p><p>Gosh, Dr. Norton was saying that so casually, he wasn’t even blushing! Richie couldn’t get himself to look at him, gazing at his shoes as if they were the most exciting thing in the world.</p><p>“… it doesn’t say anything about who you are. You’re Richie Tozier. You’re the one who gets to decide who is behind this name. Would you like to tell me so?”</p><p>Richie raised his head towards his therapist, slightly confused:</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Introduce yourself. Say what you think defines you.”</p><p>Richie wasn’t sure he liked this exercise. He shook his leg again, mumbling with a tight smile:</p><p>“But you know me already.”</p><p>“This isn’t about me, Richie. It’s about you.”</p><p>Okay, so he wasn’t going to wiggle his way out of that. Fuck, fuck, what could he say about himself? The first thoughts that crossed his mind were all negative, and he was pretty sure it wasn’t the point of this exercise. Twisting his fingers painfully, he finally managed to utter, feeling awfully uneasy:</p><p>“Um… So, I’m Richie Tozier, and I’m the local jokester. I do Voices and… stuff.”</p><p>Dr. Norton nodded encouragingly, remaining quiet so that Richie would continue to talk about himself earnestly. Which seemed to be one of the hardest things for Richie to accomplish.</p><p>“I… I love movies and watching them with people that I care about. I talk too much, but that’s okay because I try to let everyone else speak as well. I like it when I feel that I’m existing, when people make me feel that. Maybe a bit too much.”</p><p>He chuckled softly, aware of his flaws, his difficulties. Richie was definitely too dependent on everyone else’s opinion, the way they looked at him. Especially his friends and his family.</p><p>“I… I’m Eddie Kaspbrak’s boyfriend. And I’m fucking proud of it, even though I can’t show it publicly. I wish I could.”</p><p>“Do you think you can’t do it because it’s a risk to take or because you’re not sure you’re ready to assume it, even if it was safe for you to do so?”</p><p>Richie remained silent at his therapist’s question. It wasn’t easy to answer. Of course, he loved his boyfriend and would like to scream it to the entire world. He didn’t because he knew what it’s like, to be beaten up for being different. But even when he was all alone with Eddie, even when they were sharing a safe and soft intimacy, it was still…</p><p>Richie let out a long sigh, ceasing to torture his fingers and fiddling nervously with his glasses:</p><p>“Both. Both, I think. It’s risky, but it’s not only about that. When I’m alone with Eddie, I… I don’t know. I see how unabashed he is about our whole relationship, despite his lack of experience and the way he was constantly infantilized, how curious and eager he is, and I just… I’m falling apart. The thoughts, the memories, they’re holding me back, and it shouldn’t be the case. I’m out to everyone I care about. I’m free.”</p><p>Dr. Norton smiled gently, writing a few things down, before giving his opinion on the matter:</p><p>“It’s not that simple, Richie. You can’t just suddenly erase years of self-hatred and shame. It’s a long process, and it’s taking some time. There might be things that will still trouble you, no matter how much you’re working on them. It’s up to you to see how far you’re willing to go, how much you’re able to fight against the persona you were forced to create to survive…”</p><p>Richie couldn’t quite separate himself from the act he put on to remain safe, to make everyone else believe that he was straight, a nail that wasn’t sticking out. He was unable to remember when he first started to do it, so much that he felt that, if he were to remove the mask, there would be nothing behind it. Nothing and no one.</p><p>“You think I can do it, Doc?”</p><p>Richie felt a bit ashamed, asking for his therapist’s approval the same way a kid would hope for his parents’ or his teacher’s. But Dr. Norton wasn’t judging him. He seemed to be only kindness and understanding, both qualities Richie definitely needed, coming from him:</p><p>“I think you can do a lot, Richie, and I’m willing to help you at every step you want to make. I’m here for that.”</p><p>Richie couldn’t help but hide behind his humor once again, so that he wouldn’t start feeling all emotional:</p><p>“Well, thank fucking god you are, I didn’t pay you all this time for you to give up on me, Doc!”</p><p>Dr. Norton chuckled at Richie’s joke, but he quickly went back to being serious, knowing exactly what his patient was doing:</p><p>“It’s not just about the paycheck. Of course, it’s an undeniable perk, I’m not going to lie about it. But I would be a pretty lousy therapist if I didn’t care about every one of my patients, Richie.”</p><p>Richie puckered his lips, pulling off the puppy eyes while asking with an exaggerated dramatic voice:</p><p>“But I am your number one patient, right, doc?”</p><p>Dr. Norton grinned, answering back instantly:</p><p>“I don’t play favorites, Richie. But I do care about your well-being, and I only want the best for you.”</p><p>Richie pondered on his therapist’s answer for a while, before shrugging and deciding that it was good enough for him. He would lie if he said that he didn’t want Dr. Norton to tell him outright that he was his favorite patient, but that would be highly unprofessional. Come on, Richie wasn’t hopeless to the point that he was seeking his own therapist’s approval and esteem, right? Right…</p><p>Stretching his arms, Richie finally asked, still unable to look at his therapist while talking about this type of things:</p><p>“So, uh, about Eddie and I… What should we do? I don’t know how to get past my discomfort. I don’t want to upset Eddie by sobbing between his legs at every occasion, it’s not really, hem, sexy.”</p><p>Dr. Norton nodded to show his understanding, facing Richie and answering with a soft smile:</p><p>“Take the time you need. Tiny steps. It doesn’t have to go all the way immediately. Love and sex are complex things, regardless of the issues you both have to work on. See what you’re comfortable with. Add a few things you feel slightly uneasy towards, but not too much. If thinking about doing this or that sounds more pleasant than painful, I’d suggest to try it. Not before discussing it with your partner, of course, and making sure that you know what you’re doing.”</p><p>“Yeah, I can rely on the guys at the LGBT center for that. They’re awesome. Thank you for recommending it to me. They really helped.”</p><p>Richie wondered how his therapist came to know about this place. Did he know someone there? Was he a member? Richie never saw him when he went to the center, and he didn’t really hear about him either. Richie wasn’t sure he should be too curious about the subject. He needed to keep a distance from his therapist, proper boundaries, and it was definitely part of it.</p><p>“It’s… It’s thanks to you I was finally able to come out to my folks. So, really, thank you.”</p><p>“No need for it, Richie. I’m only doing my job. Tell me, how are they taking it now? You said they seemed quite awkward and off-put at first.”</p><p>Richie laughed at his therapist’s words, who couldn’t be truer:</p><p>“Yeah, uh, they’re starting to accept it, but they’re definitely tip-toeing around it and being damn clumsy. My dad keeps insisting on us being safe, and I think he’s persuaded that Eddie and I are wild beasts who are always having sex whenever he’s not seeing us. And he definitely doesn’t want us to have unsafe sex.”</p><p>An amused smile appeared a few seconds on Dr. Norton’s face, so quickly that Richie wasn’t sure if he imagined it in the first place.</p><p>“It’s actually pretty common for straight people to oversexualize LGBT relationships. It might be a good thing to talk about it with him, put his mind at ease. It’s not because you’re gay that every single moment that you’re spending with your boyfriend has to be sexual. Remind him that he’s not acting like that with your mother at every hour of the day, that it’s the same for you. By the way, how about Mrs. Tozier? Is she taking it well?”</p><p>Richie nodded, a soft expression on his face:</p><p>“Yeah, she is. She’s still not quite sure how to address it, and she can be a bit clumsy in her wording sometimes, but she doesn’t deny it, and she actually started to playfully call Eddie her “son-in-law”. He’s always blushing whenever she’s doing that, it’s so damn cute. She actually tries to encourage me to be more affectionate with Eddie when we’re all together.”</p><p>He added, laughing at the thought:</p><p>“She’s not, like, encouraging me to grope him or whatnot, that would be absurd and downright fucked up. But Mom doesn’t mind if I give Eddie chaste kisses, and she says that we’ve always been close, so it shouldn’t be an issue now that we’re officially together. It really helps.”</p><p>“That’s a good thing that your parents are willing to make efforts to accept you just like you are. Others might not have. Your fear was completely legitimate, the fact that they didn’t reject you doesn’t invalidate your feelings.”</p><p>Richie wasn’t expecting his therapist to talk about it, but he wasn’t wrong. Sometimes, he did feel a bit silly to not have confessed to his parents earlier, to have let himself be guided by his fears for so long. But it was a real risk. Not everyone he would come out to would be as accepting as his friends or willing to work on their prejudices as his parents. Liz’s own folks didn’t accept her as she was, and she had to part ways with them. It could have been even worse.</p><p>To be honest, Richie felt relieved, knowing that his fears were valid. He hadn’t been delusional, and he didn’t exaggerate it all. It could have gone really wrong, and he needed to feel ready to tell it. It was the right time. The right moment. And he didn’t regret it at all. He didn’t regret anything.</p><p>“Uh, thanks.” Richie’s voice was slightly shaking. “I didn’t know I needed to hear that.”</p><p>“Again, don’t thank me. It’s just my own two cents on the subject, nothing more.”</p><p>Richie chuckled at how casual his therapist could sometimes be. That’s why Dr. Norton was a perfect match for him. He was a professional, but he wasn’t afraid to loosen up a bit, here and there. Richie would feel intimidated if it wasn’t the case…</p><p>Tapping on his knees, Richie remained silent for a minute, asking himself what he wanted to talk about, before the answer made itself clear in his mind. Of course, it was so damn obvious!</p><p>“So, uh, this is it. Eddie and I, we’re moving out. We have our flat. Our room is almost entirely clean of our stuff. Mike is already there, he wanted to make sure it was perfect when we arrived. He even started to work, he’s the best. Can you imagine?”</p><p>Dr. Norton seemed a bit surprised by how sudden it all was. Richie couldn’t blame him. It all went so fast… As soon as they returned from Disney World, Richie, Mike, and Eddie went back to looking for a flat, and they finally found it. Eddie worked with his therapist to make the transition easier, and they started to move out, bit by bit, taking the time Eddie needed to accept the change. And it was almost completely ready.</p><p>“So, I suppose it’s goodbye?”</p><p>“Don’t try to get rid of me so soon, Doc!” Richie laughed, grinning happily. “If anything, I’m closer to your office now. I can bother you even more often if I feel like it.”</p><p>“Well, as long as you’re paying, I don’t mind...”</p><p>Richie snickered at his therapist’s tongue-in-cheek humor, one he appreciated particularly. When he got calmer, he added, his facial expression getting thoughtful:</p><p>“Eddie’s dealing with it pretty well so far. I can only hope it will last.”</p><p>“And you, Richie?”</p><p>Yeah, that was all it was about, right? How Richie dealt with the idea that he was moving out. Leaving his parents’ house. Starting a new life. He sighed, fiddling with his glasses:</p><p>“As always, it can’t be simple, doc. I mean, I’m glad, I’m truly glad that I can finally leave Derry behind. And knowing I won’t have to walk in front of this damn bathroom every day and get random flashbacks is a definite relief. But...”</p><p>But it wasn’t all happy and dandy. Richie was anxious. Nervous.</p><p>“I never lived on my own. I always relied on my parents to take care of myself, to help with Eddie, to do all of those adult things that I can’t seem to wrap my head around. Seriously, man, taxes are the worst.”</p><p>Dr. Norton chuckled, but he quickly went silent, allowing Richie to continue:</p><p>“And now, I’m suddenly thrown into the real world and… and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it. Mike already has a goddamn job, he raided a decoration store as if his freakin’ life depended on it and he knows where he wants everything to go. I’m just looking at my flat, and I’m going “Well, it’s big.”. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life.”</p><p>“You don’t have the slightest idea?”</p><p>Richie shrugged, unsure of what he was supposed to say. He finally mumbled shyly, as if he was too ashamed to admit it completely out loud:</p><p>“I want to make people laugh. But you don’t make a living out of it. Unless I chose to become a goddamn clown and I’m still scared shitless by these painted assholes.”</p><p>Richie smiled weakly at his own joke, but he wasn’t into it. Truly, he didn’t know what to make of his life. Given that he only finished high school and never had a degree, it’s not like he had tons of opportunities either…</p><p>“Maybe you could find a way to do so while having a job with a good enough salary to allow you to pay the bills? Waiters and bartenders who can make their clients laugh and get them to stay are quite precious to those who hired them.”</p><p>Richie thought back to his mother and father’s expectations, to his promising grades and everything he could have accomplished if he studied, if he didn’t stop after his high school graduation. But that would have meant leaving Derry, and he made a promise to Eddie. Mike would have been left on his own too, and it was definitely not something Richie wanted to think about.</p><p>So, that was one more thing he wasn’t regretting, once again. Even if it meant that he’d probably have to do a job that he would only be able not to hate completely… As long as he could pay his rent and spoil Eddie and his friends a bit, Richie didn’t mind. He could deal with it.</p><p>“You also worked in a video store, if I’m not mistaken? That’s a job you could try to find as well. Your options are not as limited as you think they are, Richie.”</p><p>Richie nodded. He did feel a bit relieved of his anxiety, after all of that, but not entirely. The fact that he was jobless and would have to act like an adult for real was only the tip of the iceberg…</p><p>“I… uh… I’m scared I won’t be able to be there for Eddie as much as he needs me to. He could always rely on my parents when I wasn’t around. Mike’s there, I guess, but what will happen if we’re both working? If Eddie’s on his own and he has to deal with a meltdown? Or if he’s leaving the flat and getting lost? If someone’s trying to take advantage of him? If he’s being brutalized? If…?”</p><p>His therapist interrupted him, knowing that Richie was started to spiral and would soon be stuck in this kind of thinking:</p><p>“Do you trust your partner?”</p><p>Richie stopped his rambling, looking at Dr. Norton with an offended gaze:</p><p>“Of course, I trust him! I completely trust Eddie!”</p><p>“Then you have to believe that he’ll be fine. That he’ll handle it. You said he was working on it with his therapist, right?”</p><p>Richie nodded. Dr. Park was genuinely excellent with Eddie. She taught him a few more techniques to calm himself down, helped him to plan his days when he would be alone in their flat, and explained to him who he should talk to if he was lost or needed help in any way.</p><p>She advised them to keep their new bedroom’s decoration and setting as close as possible to the one Richie and Eddie were currently occupying, so that Eddie wouldn’t get too disoriented and confused by the changes in his everyday life.</p><p>She was ready to come more often to help Eddie adjust to his new situation, even if she had to arrive unscheduled. Unlike Dr. Norton, Nora Park didn’t have too many patients at the same time, so that she would be available for each of them when needed. Some of them needed as much support as Eddie, even more, so it was definitely essential.</p><p>“From what you’re telling me, Edward is aware of what he’ll have to work on and what moving out will imply. Now, he needs you to trust him to handle it. He’ll know it if you constantly worry about him when he’s on his own. And it won’t help to develop his autonomy. Far from it.”</p><p>Richie knew it very well. But it was still difficult to get a grip on his overbearing tendencies, fed by his anxiety and weak self-esteem. He didn’t think he would be enough for Eddie. That he would able to support him as much as Eddie needed it, deserved it. Once again, it was all about himself, even if he pretended to think about his partner… God, Richie could be so self-centered sometimes!</p><p>He sighed, putting his face in his hands for a few seconds, before raising it and saying with a jaded tone:</p><p>“You’re right. You’re right, and I definitely should trust Eddie more. He proved it to me so often, I wish he didn’t have to go through all of that. But he did, and he’s still standing, still happy, still him, and… and I want to be as strong and brave as he is.”</p><p>“But you are, Richie. It’s perfectly normal to stumble, to make mistakes, to have difficulties in handling everyday stuff. It becomes problematic when you can’t accept it, and you’re holding yourself to expectations too high to be healthy. Your relationship with Edward can’t be one-sided. You can’t always be the one supporting him. You have to accept that he’s there for you too. And he is, right?”</p><p>Oh yes, he was… He had been the rock Richie needed him to be when he crumbled under the pressure of his self-hatred and internalized homophobia. Eddie could have been upset that he didn’t get to come, that he was basically blue-balled by Richie’s issues, but if he was, he didn’t show any signs of it. He had been supportive, patient, reliable, the perfect boyfriend. Richie loved him so much.</p><p>But maybe it was the issue. Richie was definitely putting Eddie on a pedestal, even if it meant that he would put himself down for that to happen. And it wasn’t healthy. Eddie was human. He had his flaws. And Richie loved them too and needed to be more aware of them, as much as he was aware of Eddie’s qualities. He wasn’t the dirt under Eddie’s shoe. He was his partner, and he loved him wholly. He loved his snores, his temper, the way he could sometimes act like a diva just because he felt like it… He loved him fully and entirely.</p><p>“He’s there for me. He really is. I… I’ll work on myself, I promise. I want him to be happy, and I want us to have a healthy relationship, full of joy. Besides, Mike definitely deserves better than our drama and us arguing all the damn time. He already told us he was resigned to play the third wheel. Poor Mike.”</p><p>Richie chuckled, but he knew damn well that he wasn’t going to let that happen. Mike was an essential part of their life, and they would make sure that he knew it. He wasn’t a third wheel, he wasn’t an afterthought. He was their friend, their family, and Richie loved him so much.</p><p>He and Dr. Norton talked a bit more afterward, exchanging a few thoughts on the future, what Richie wanted to do, the fact that he was hoping the Losers to their new flat as soon as possible. When Richie left, he felt lighter, a weight lifted from his shoulders.</p><p>He sat in his car, taking a deep breath. Back to his house. Well, his parents’ house. He wondered how they were all doing. His dad was probably taking as many pictures as he could of Eddie, and his mom might try to hide a few tears, not wanting to show how emotional she was about the whole thing. She told him that the house would feel empty without them, and Richie believed her.</p><p>His father was probably thinking the same thing, but he wasn’t really good at sharing his thoughts and emotions. Richie did see him cradling an old stuffed animal that was a favorite of his when he was only a kid. It would definitely be weird to say goodbye for the last time and live their first days at their new flat. It’s not like they weren’t going to see his parents ever again, thankfully.</p><p>But it wouldn’t be the same. They wouldn’t sit together on the couch to watch a movie so often. They wouldn’t share their meals every day. Richie wouldn’t be able to bother his dad so much, to exhaust himself while they were both getting overexcited, teasing and annoying each other. He wouldn’t have these heart-to-heart talks so often with his mom. He wouldn’t hug them daily. He…</p><p>Oh. Richie felt a tear rolling down his cheeks. And another. And another. Soon, he couldn’t stop himself from crying. One hand on his face, he rested the other on the wheel, the engine still off. Why was he crying like that? He wasn’t leaving them forever, he was just… he was just…</p><p>Richie cried for a while, unable to stop himself from doing so. He wasn’t quite aware of it, but he was mourning his childhood, the kid he used to be, the life he used to live. Soon enough, a page would definitely be turned, and, as much as it was a positive thing, Richie would miss it. The good moments. Being his parents’ baby kid, their immature son, the child that didn’t want to grow up.</p><p>But it was time for Peter Pan to leave his Neverland. For Richie to stop crying for a childhood that his mind was currently idealizing, afraid of the unknown. He sniffled, wiped his face, and forced himself to think about the future and the best things he didn’t experience yet. A life with Eddie and Mike. Away from Derry. Free to love his boyfriend however he wanted. Free from his secrets, from his shame.</p><p>Freedom, at last.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's it for this installment! I really wanted to end it on Richie reflecting on what happened and what's yet to come. He still has a lot to work on and many progresses to make, but he's not alone and he's ready for it. He'll be there for Eddie and Mike and they'll be there for him. </p><p>God, I can't believe I'm closing this installment. It's just so weird to think about. I really hope you liked it and that you'll like the next one.</p><p>It'll be titled "Together" and the first chapter should be written this week-end. I don't know yet from whose point of view, but I have a few ideas already. </p><p>Thank you for reading. You can leave comments and/or kudos if you feel like it, I'd really like to know what you thought about this chapter, maybe the installment as a whole if you didn't comment yet. Don't feel shy, I won't bite c:. I just want to be able to thank all of you as much as possible. You really made my days these last months.</p><p>Don't forget to subscribe to this series or to me as an author if you want to be warned as soon as possible about the next installment! I can't wait to write it and get to interact with you again!</p><p>Take care, have a nice day and see you soon! Thanks again!</p>
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